Little Johnny Jokes Compilation...

[Music] um can somebody please tell me how old little johnny is at this point like but he gotta be at least a hundred years old or something like that i don't heard my parents generation give little johnny jokes my generation the generation now no little john like everybody this dude has got to be super old but at the end of the day he's still funny so we're going to get into some little johnny jokes for some tick-tock compilations that we got him from and uh if you're new to the channel man subscribe real quick hope y'all having a safe merry christmas man all right let's go there was a masked man that went in to rob a bank just as he got up to the teller his mask fell off but he quickly put it back on he asked to tell her if she saw his face and she said that she did he shot and killed her he asked to tell her next to her if she had saw his face she said she did he shot and killed her little johnny was standing behind him and he asked little johnny if he saw his face and he said no i didn't but uh i'm pretty sure my wife did dirty hey john want to hear joe yeah so turns out little susie got pregnant and she's ready to have the baby so little johnny's taking her to the hospital she's in excruciating pain and little giant says doc what can we do he says well she's too late for the epidural but i have one other option i can transfer the pain over to you being the father and it'll take away her pain but it's going to be 10 times as bad he says i don't care do what you got to do so the doctor hooks him up and transfers it over 25 percent little johnny says i feel nothing doctor says all right he transfers over 50 percent well john says i feel nothing dr cesar i'm going to put it at 100 but it's going to be a lot so he transfers it over though giant says i feel nothing duck says well with that kind of pain you could you could that you could kill you well johnny says i still feel nothing little susie gave birth to a beautiful baby boy later on that week they go home and they find the mailman dead on their front porch i should have picked up on that one i should have picked that one out little johnny was playing at the playground when he notices his dad's car drive by with his aunt sarah in it well he looks over and he sees if they park and they start walking towards the woods so little johnny follows him in there he notices that his dad kisses his aunt sarah in the mouth they lay down a blanket and they start taking off their clothes and little johnny's eyes get so big and he runs home and he tells his mom he says mama mama daddy and aunt say they were kissing they laid down lately started doing that she's mom says now little johnny this sounds like a great story maybe we should finish this that supper with your dad social giants is okay and then sometime comes along and a little giant's mom says well how about you finish that story he says okay well you know dad and sarah they started kissing they took off their clothes and you know what mom they did the same exact thing that you and uncle jeff did when dad was away with the army [Music] one sunday morning the sunday school teacher asked the kids to tell her something about jesus little susie raises their hand she said jesus was born in a manger teacher says that's correct little susie little billy raises his hand and says he died for our sins on the cross teacher says that's correct little billy little johnny raises his hand he said he drives a big red truck and he doesn't know how to drive teacher says well where did you learn this he said my daddy says well what did he tell you he said nothing one day we were driving down the road and this big red truck cuts us off and my dad looks over and says jesus christ why don't you learn how to drive come on little johnny's in college and he gets his first job at an adult toy store well brunette walks in on his first day and she says how much for this black sex toy well johnny says fifty dollars for the black one and fifty dollars for the pink one she says oh that's too much money she walks out oh redhead walks in a little while later and she says hey how much for this pink sex toy well johnny says fifty dollars for the pink one fifty dollars for the black one she says oh that's too much money and she walks out a little while later blonde walks in and she says how much for a sex toy well giant says well we got a black one here for fifty dollars and a pink one here for fifty dollars she says well how much for that plaid one behind you he says oh that's a special one that one's 250 dollars she says oh yes i'll take it that's great so the boss comes in says hey little johnny how'd you do he says well i didn't sell any sex toys today but i did sell your thermos for 250 dollars teacher says little johnny i got a riddle for you what building has the most stories he says that's easy it's the sears tower she says well the correct answer is a library but i like the way you're thinking he says all right teach i got one for you when i go in i can cause pain i fill your holes when you ask me to i also ask that you spit and not swallow what am i teacher says little johnny you go to the principal's office he says what for i'm a dentist but i like the way you're thinking snap dirty minded teachers yo everyone here a joke yep sure so little johnny comes home from his first college class and he goes to his dad he says dad i need to know the difference between hypothetically and reality he says okay well why don't you go ask your mom if she would have sex with another man for a million dollars so he goes and asks her and comes back and says oh she said hell yeah definitely would he says all right now go ask your sister if she would have sex with any man for a million dollars he goes and asks her and comes back he says oh she said she definitely would he says okay well hypothetically we're sitting on two million dollars but in reality we're living with a couple women of the night hey john want to hear a joke oh yeah baby teacher says little johnny i got a riddle for you i fill up a room but i take up no space what am i well johnny says that's easy it's the smell of a fart teacher says well the correct answer is light but i like the way you're thinking oh johnny says okay teach i got one for you all day long it's in and out i discharged loads for my shaft both women and men go down on me what am i teacher says little johnny you go to the principal's office he says what for i'm an elevator but i like the way you're thinking [Laughter] little johnny and his family had moved into a house next to a vacant lot well a couple of weeks had gone by and this construction crew moved in well this really intrigued little johnny and it wasn't long before he went over to investigate well the crew loved him so much that they adopted him as the construction crew mascot they'd sit and talk to him during their breaks and their lunch and they were always there laughing and having fun with little johnny well it was more surprising that at the end of the week they gave little johnny his own 10 paycheck well john's mom says we should bring this down to the bank so you can open up your own bank account little johnny was so excited to give the teller his money and open up his account and she thought it was amazing she said little johnny that's an awesome story do you plan on working there next week well johnny says yeah if those [ __ ] down at menards can get us some [ __ ] drywall delivered [Laughter] yeah teacher says little jenny i got a riddle for you what kind of treat this teacher ain't learned yet can you carry in your hand little giant says that's easy you can carry all trees in your hands at their seeds teacher says well the correct answer is a palm tree but i like the way you're thinking giant says okay teach i got one for you i'm at least six inches long you put me in your mouth after i'm in your mouth you should always spit and never swallow and i'm a whole lot more fun if i vibrate teacher says little johnny you go to the principal's office he says what for i'm a toothbrush but i like the way you're thinking i actually figured that one out it was little johnny's first year in college and his professor asked him to tell a story with a moral in it well guy thinks about it and he says okay i got one there was this horse and this chicken that were out playing in the meadow when this horse falls into some quicksand he tells the chicken hurry up go back to the farm and get the farmer so he can pull me out of here so the chicken runs back he can't find the farmer anywhere so he hops in the bmw backs it up to the quicksand ties a rope around the bumper throws it to the horse and then drives away and pulls him out of there worked out pretty well a couple days later the chicken falls into the quicksand he tells the horse hurry up go back to the farmer intent so he can get me out of here horse thinks he says well i could probably just stand over top of you so he goes and stands over top of him he says he'll grab hold of my penis chicken grabs a hold of his penis and the horse walks away and pulls him out teacher says that's great but what's the moral well giant says the moral is if you're hung like a horse you don't need a bmw to pick up chicks hey john right here joe yep this little giant seizure says hey little jenny i got a rule for you what invention allows you to see through walls well johnny says that's easy it's an x-ray machine she says well the correct answer is a window but i like the way you're thinking well johnny says all right teach i got one for you you stick your poles inside of me you tie me down to get me up and i always get wet before you what am i little johnny's teacher says you go to the principal's office he said what for i'm a tent but i like the way you're thinking hey teacher says little johnny i got a riddle for you what's the last thing you take off before going to bed jesus it's easy it's my shirt teacher says well the correct answer is your feet off the floor but i like the way you're thinking johnny says all right teach i got one for you you fiddle with me at night before you go to sleep you can't get caught playing with me at school you'll get in trouble and you only let a few select people touch me what am i teacher says little johnny you go to the principal's office he says what for i'm your phone but i like the way you're thinking i couldn't figure that one out i was trying teacher says little johnny i got a riddle for you what is yours but your friends use it more often than you do johnny says that's easy it's my phone number teacher says the correct answer is your name but i like the way you're thinking well guy says all right teach i got one for you i'm spread out before being eaten your tongue gets me off and sometimes people lick my nuts what am i teacher says little johnny you go to the principal's office he said what for it's peanut butter i like the way you're thinking yo teacher says little johnny i got a riddle for you what goes up but can never come down well johnny says that's easy it's a bubble because once a bubble goes up it pops it can't come back down teacher says well the correct answer is your age but i like the way you're thinking well johnny says okay teach i got one for you some people like to be on the top some people like to be on the bottom and it always involves a bed what am i teacher says little johnny you're going to the principal's office he said what for i'm a bunk bed but i like the way you're that thinking says little johnny i want you to tell me a story my teacher's a freak hermione stay in the gutter hey we got to start looking at little johnny as like an upstanding citizen right listen to these riddles with the moral in it the giant things but i says okay i got one there's this fly that's going over this lake and it's feeling real hot he figures if i swoop down six inches i could be cooled off by the water well there's this largemouth bass that sees this and he figures if that flag goes down six inches i can jump out of the water and get it a bear sees this and figures if that fish jumps out of the water he can grab the fish well a hunter sees the bear and figures if that fly goes down that fish jumps up the bear goes after he gets to shoot the bear well the mouse sees that there's a sandwich in the hunter's pocket if the hunter shoots that sandwich is going to fall out and he's going to be able to get it well a cat sees that the mouse is going to go after the sandwich if it goes after the sandwich the cat can get the mouse so the fly goes down six inches the bass goes after the fly the bear goes after the bass the hunter shoots the bear the mouse gets the sandwich the cat over jumps the mouse and falls in the water teacher says that's great but what's the moral well giant says the moral is every time a flag goes down six inches a [ __ ] is bound to get wet the neighbor lady had a baby a little johnny's mom let him know that they were going to go over and see the newborn tonight after supper but she wanted to let lil giant know that the baby was born without ears so she didn't want to hear any jokes about having no ears not hearing anything okay he says i got it no no ear jokes so they go over there and talking for a little while and the baby starts crying from his room so the mom goes and picks him up and little johnny's kind of looking them over and she says well little johnny what do you think it's like oh look at he's got the cutest little toes and look at those tiny little fingers and he's got the most beautiful big brown eyes can tell me some can he see all right lady smiles and says yeah doctor says he has 20 20 vision well johnny says oh that's great because if he couldn't see he'd be [ __ ] says little johnny i got a riddle for you which month has 28 days apologizes it's easy february she says well the correct answer is all of them but i like the way you're thinking i knew she was gonna say all of them well johnny says okay teach i got one for you you put your poles inside of me you tie me down to get me up and i always get wet before you do what am i teacher says little johnny you go to the principal's office i said what for i'm a tent but i like the way you're thinking we heard that one already hey john want to hear joe hey yeah so little johnny had grown up and become a doctor and was sent down to the amazon to check out this tribe for covid19 when he gets there he just notices that there's all men and he says to how do you guys relieve sexual attention well one of the guys in the tribe says we'll come down by the river tomorrow morning and we'll show you so little johnny gets up in the morning goes down and sees that there's a donkey there well the guy says well since you're our guest you can go first so not wanting to break custom though johnny starts kissing the donkey and proceeds to make love to it well after about 10 minutes one of the guys in the tribe says hey are you about done over there we need that donkey to get across the river to go to the tribe of women teacher says little johnny i got a riddle for you there was a girl that was on a 20-foot ladder and fell off and didn't get hurt why is sorry that that's easy it's because she fell into a big pool of water teacher says well the correct answer is she fell off the bottom step but i like the way you're thinking giant says okay good i got one for you over a thousand people went down on me i wasn't a maiden for very long something very big and hard ripped me open what am i teacher says little johnny you go to the principal's office he says what for it's the titanic but i like the way you're thinking teacher says little johnny i got a riddle for you david's parents had three sons snap crackle and what was the third one well johnny says that's easy pop teacher says no the correct answer is david but i like the way you're thinking well james says okay teach i got one for you every man has one some are big some are small it feels great when you blow it but if you're not careful it might drip teaches us oh gosh little johnny you go to the principal's office he says what for it's a nose but i like the way you're thinking i caught it right at the end nose little johnny and little susie had moved down to texas after he retired and he had always wanted a new pair of cowboy boots so once he found some that were on sale he went and bought some well he put him on and he went home and little susie was sitting at the kitchen table and he said you notice anything different she said no so he was all upset and he went into the bedroom and took off all of his clothes and left nothing on but his cowboy boots and he walked back in he says all right you sure you don't notice anything different little susie looked his naked body up and down she says you know what little johnny it's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it's gonna be hanging down tomorrow he says okay do you know why it's hanging down and she said why he said because it's looking at my amazing new boots she says little johnny you should have bought the hat you should have bought the hat little johnny goes to the dentist to get his tooth pulled and the dentist pulls out a needle to give him a shot of novocaine for the paint which i says no i hate needles please no needles so the dentist says all right how about we put this mask on and i'll give you some laughing gas he says no no not the mask he says the mask makes me feel like i'm gonna suffocate so what dennis thinks and he says well how how are you with pills he says pills are fine and then it says okay here take this viagra he said i didn't know that viagra was used as a pain pill then it says it's not but it's going to give you something to hold on to when i pull this tooth [Music] i had to stop that one [Laughter] yo ew oh man hey johnny hey joke time all right so johnny goes in the bar he's got three ducks puts each of the ducks up on the bar and he sits there and drinks for a little while and eventually has to go to the bathroom so the bartender walks over and he kind of looks at the ducks and he says well says the first one he says well what's your name he says huey he says oh okay well how's your day been he says it's been great i've been in and out of puddles all day next duck he says well what's your name he says dewey he says oh okay well how was your day he says oh it's been great same thing in and out of puddles all day and if i could i'd do it again so i saw that's great he goes to the third duck so i bet your name's louie he says no it's puddles and don't even ask me about my day hey john want to hear a joke uh yep so johnny's got his head and his beer at the bar and his buddy tony comes in he's just well johnny what's wrong he says you know that hot chick at work that every time i go and try talk to her i'd get a boner he said yeah he says well i finally got the nerve to ask her out he says okay he said so what'd you do about the boner problem he says well i went and got some duct tape and i taped it to my leg in case it happened again then she wouldn't notice he says oh that's a good idea he said so tonight i went to her house i rang the doorbell and she opened the door and she was looking amazing i'm telling you dressed to the nines she was hot short little mini skirt tony says oh yeah he says well what happened well johnny puts his head down he says i kicked her in the face little johnny was three years old and he saw this pregnant lady out on the street so he ran up to her and he says hey why is your belly so big she said oh there's a baby in there she rubbed her tummy he said there's a baby in your tummy she said yeah there is so whoa is he a good baby she said yeah he's a really good baby oh that's his background i'm like what is that plan he said well if he's so good then why'd you eat him [Music] seriously little johnny and two of his friends died in a tragic car accident and ended up meeting saint peter at the pearly gates st pete says all right boys your fate will be decided on whether or not you can avoid stepping on a duck in a duck-filled room what this means is if you should happen to step on a duck you will get the most ugliest woman in heaven but if you should avoid stepping on any ducks you will get all right like that music is kill what made them put music in the background all of a sudden we 20 minutes in the most beautiful woman in heaven connor was up first and he got halfway through and he ended up stepping on a duck saint peter says i'm sorry conor you get the most ugliest woman in heaven up next was matthew and matthew got almost all the way through until the very i can't do it let's go to the next one i can't do it that's too much music i'm gonna try to edit it out and post hopefully what's up juicy little well what in the world oh johnny wakes all right little johnny's in spelling class and teacher says okay who can spell the word before little susie raises her hand she says uh b b-e-p-h she says no susie that's wrong little timmy raises his hand he says um before b-e-f-o-o-r teacher says no that's wrong little giant raises his hand he says before b-e-f-o-r-e teacher says yeah that's correct she says do you think you could use that in a sentence he says sure two plus two before hey john i hear a joke no it's coming for you so it was right after christmas vacation the teacher asked the kids where did they go on vacation a little johnny raises his hand he says we went to visit my grandma in punxsutawney pennsylvania teacher says oh little johnny that's great that'd be a great vocabulary word can you spell that for me oh johnny says oh you know come to think of it i i think she lives in ohio [Laughter] hey john we're here joe uh okay they'll do no work in that office y'all notice that right a little johnny's class is learning about medicine and the teacher says all right class i want you to name off some medicines and what they're used for little susie raised her hand she says tylenol teacher says great little susan what's it used for well susie says headaches teacher says yeah that's good little billy raises his hand he says nyquil teacher says uh what's that used for he said well it's used for when you can't sleep at night teacher says that's great little billy little johnny says viagra and she says well okay well what's that used for he said diarrhea she said well who told you that he said nobody but at every evening my mom tells my dad to take that so that his [ __ ] gets harder hey john i hear a joke yeah i do well johnny was in science class they had four worms and there was four jars first jar had a jar alcohol they put the worm in there second jar had cigarette smoke they put the worm in there third jar was a jar of sperm they put the worm in there and the fourth jar was a jar of soil next day they come back the worms that were in the alcohol cigarette smoke and sperm died and the one with the soil lived teacher said do you know what happened here well johnny raises his hand real quick he says yeah what's going on is if you drink you smoke cigarettes and you have sex you'll never get worms [Laughter] [Applause] listen bro it's probably a million little johnny jokes out there so if y'all got a good one drop them in the comment section man appreciate y'all coming to chill with me for the night and now again merry christmas y'all be safe let's get ready for new year's baby all right so the next reaction to my piece y'all stay solid hey

Channel: The Matthews Fam

Views: 39,734

Rating: 4.9395466 out of 5

Keywords: jeremylittel, funny, hilarious, memes, littlejohnny, jokes, little johnny jokes, funny jokes, dirty jokes, little johnny, best jokes, dark humor, try not to laugh, tik tok, dad jokes, little johnny jokes dirty, little johnny jokes tik tok, little johnny jokes compilation, little johnny jokes ice cream, little johnny jokes dam fish, little johnny jokes duck, little johnny jokes teacher bet, little johnny jokes at school, funny jokes that make you laugh so hard

Id: DxEOFeHQ4EU

Length: 26min 41sec (1601 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 25 2020