Late Show with David Letterman, May 20, 2015

my fellow Americans our long national nightmare is over our long national nightmare is over our long national nightmare is over our long national nightmare is over our long national nightmare is over Letterman is retiring just kidding right [Applause] from a magical place not found on it's the Late Show with David [Applause] [Applause] I'm a talker [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you please be seated [Applause] [Music] don't make me okay alright sit down thank you don't make me now see now what happens we don't have time for the giving gifts to the audience segment thank you very much ladies gentlemen welcome to the Late Show I want to tell you one thing I'll be honest with you it's beginning to look like I'm not going to get the Tonight Show I I'll tell you something else and I know people are well-meaning but I am sick and tired maybe Paul you get a little of this what are you gonna do now they can't retire yeah what are you gonna do now yeah it's you're retired well okay all right you want to know what I'm gonna do now that I'm retired by god I hope to become the new face of Scientology don't kid yourself emotions are running high in in this building I was talking with a sound guy backstage Dutch yes yes and he well you don't come to think of that may not be his name I for the last 20 years I've been calling everybody Dutch that's all right sorry speaking of emotional farewells here now is my goodbye farewell statement to the staff that took place earlier today I hope you enjoy this [Music] moving for always people say to me Dave when did you know it was time to retire and I said well there were signs there's always signs along the way and I think one of the signs was Todd the cue card kid came up to me and he said for the love of God Dave I can't write the words any bigger [Music] [Applause] oh this is a great segment I love this segment the name of this segment is a comedy we would have done tomorrow see this is stuff is this stuff we had planned for Thursday okay I hope you enjoy it [Music] Hilary will personally apologize to you for financial improprieties in exchange for a donation a Mad Max tie-in promotion from Supercuts and Mike Huckabee's space on a thing that's comedy we would have done Thursday well here's some statistics Paul and I have been doing the show of 33 years and that 6028 shows a lot of shows earlier today we got a call from Stephen Hawking and and he bless his heart had done the math because he's a genius and stuff and 6028 shows and he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter [Music] but here's a problem when you don't have your own show anymore here's the problem russer when I screw up now yes and Lord knows I'll be screwing up I have to go on somebody else's show to apologize that's the product I'll tell you this well it's been hard on my family and I don't know where the confusion happened I don't know where it began but my son keeps saying why does daddy have to go to prison I don't I remember Paul you remember this when we started the show but there were mixed responses on the one hand some people said that the show didn't have a chance remember that half of the people said that show doesn't have a chance on the other hand the other half of the people says that show doesn't have a prayer I was having trouble sleeping last night because that beneficiary yes yes so I was up late and I was dialing around the channels and I came upon something that I thought was sort of enjoyable so I ran it off I put it on the thing I brought her down and I'm gonna show it with you folks last now maybe you saw it also it take a look what I saw last night [Laughter] Tommy Dave's been on the air for 33 years back then Bart and Lisa were kids and Maggie was still a baby time gets away from you when we started the show the biggest program the the hottest show on television you know it was how Keeping Up with the Gabor keeping up a lot of time on the air it's the way down in the vault listen to this help me out with something I don't know do you remember Elian Gonzalez what a case that was the kid in Cuba and where should he go of the United States and he's been in Cuba well you're not gonna believe this the kid is 21 years old 21 years old now and yesterday he announced that he wants to come back to America now my question to you is should I take this personal okay thanks but and and here's the best part of all my good friend Paul more than a guy who's on television with me every night a great friend best friend and a wonderful guy last thing we know [Music] we are going to continue in show business next month be June in Las Vegas which by the way is the time to go to law Paul and I will be debuting our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers some new illusions this new losing planet well like I said a lot of stuff that confuses me and here's something else I I guess they're trying to be supportive I guess they're trying to be well-meaning you know that show it's not jeopardy it's the other one I've we look for we love jeopardy we watch it wheel of fortune yeah look at this it's toss-up time again it's our third of the night good riddance to David Letterman [Music] really [Applause] where everybody [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] after the break is special just endless I've been given my second which works best just how much I truly that's it okay the light show sponsored by board we go further so you can [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's fire to studio 6a my mistake that was in the morning sparklers and confetti now you weren't on the morning I was not on it's the problem why weren't you on the morning show couldn't get up that early can get up why should I be different than every other viewer no no folks before we let this thing get too far down the road I just want to say a couple of things about Stephen Colbert I'm very excited I think he's going to do a wonderful job and I wish Stephen and his staff and crew nothing but the greatest success so what you know part of the what we have done on this program we would we would get kids I think this is art Linkletter did this sure in the previous millennium yeah kids say the darndest thing kids say the darndest things and we said well there's an idea we can steal I see and you know we'll make any difference to the kids for heaven's sake so we would spend a lot of time going to various locations sometimes inviting the kids here into the theater yeah and we would just chat with the kids here now some conversations we had over the years with the kids kids love me oh they love oh they absolutely watch this hi kids how is mommy good what's mommy's name I don't know Brian guess my favorite food now come on come on just give it a try come on yeah I'll give you a hint all right try it trend gets my favorite food pie nope meatloaf I started off with three ordinary day-to-day pickles there we go where'd you get the user is your day-to-day pickles now you can also get him in the month-long variety years and years ago when I was in prison santa came to see us of course in prison they have no chimneys because the cons would be going over the wall left and right out and gone you know what Santa brought me a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes the very best Christmas ever that's a nice story isn't special upholstery farm a hundred miles from here it's an upholstery fun 25 giant pounds of Turkey a poultry farm [Applause] do you love science are you fascinated by science yeah and what's your favorite food stop eat a lot of salt there yeah there gonna be enough for you [Music] I want you to hold it down in this end like this okay well you're down there why don't you do it it's not dangerous okay normally most when those things come off they're gonna be so beautiful you won't believe it I am supposed to have braces when I was a kid but I didn't my parents used the money for a wet bar downstairs this is a fire extinguisher full full of carbon dioxide so you'd be on it probably I'll be on David Letterman that'll be fun that'd be nice to have you on and what is that there that you're mixing it in [Applause] [Music] you have any creepy kids in your class Wow a stray sheep drives me nuts that she misbehave yes does she does she ever throw things no if she is she a disruptive influence in class when she goes if you share her materials oh she does does she work well with others so Lord on right is she constantly interrupted about none you must have friends a guy like you nope are you sad friends what'd you do I accidentally push them right down down the stairs and they are bloody nose do you think maybe there's a lesson to be learned here yeah well and what is that accidents happen you have brothers and sisters what's her name sure HR Rachel you want to say hi to Rachel okay go ahead and say hi to Rachel [Music] here we go say hi to Rachel just go ahead right there see ya all right I'll accompany are you saying ready bashing Judas knows you gotta be quiet [Music] why not you are not you are not funny [Music] [Applause] the kids when we come back it's tonight's top ten list please welcome mr. Andy Kaufman [Applause] [Music] tell me about taxi was you like a tissue hitting would you like a tissue My dear Andy husband dear dear Andy that is villain here's tonight's top [Applause] [Applause] [Music] thank you fall this is a I think this is a pretty good list considering it's our last list and the category top ten things I've always wanted to say today ah yeah now listen to this presenting tonight's top ten list ten frequent Late Show guests and good friends of ours once again [Music] top ten things and let me just thank them in advance I appreciate their time their talents and their generosity top ten things I've always wanted to say to Dave number ten Alec Baldwin [Applause] [Music] [Applause] of all the talk shows yours is most geographically convenient to my home thank you Alex thank you number nine Barbara Walters [Applause] Dave did you know that you wear the same cologne as moammar qaddafi yes yes [Applause] [Music] number eight Steve Martin [Applause] your extensive plastic surgery was a necessity and a mistake [Applause] [Music] number seven Jerry Seinfeld [Applause] Dave I have no idea what I'll do when you go off the air you know I just thought of something I'll be fine [Applause] and I think Gerry may have a benefit later number six Jim Carrey [Applause] [Music] honestly Dave I've always found you to be a bit of an over actor [Applause] number five Chris Rock [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm just glad your show is being given to another white guy [Music] you know I had nothing to do with that number four Julia Louie Dreyfus [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thanks for letting me take part in another hugely disappointing series finale I have nothing to do with that either number three Peyton Manning [Music] [Applause] Dave you are the comedy what I am the comedy [Applause] [Music] Oh [Music] [Applause] number two Tina Fey [Applause] [Music] thanks for finally proving men can be funny that things I've always wanted to say to Dave number one Bill Murray [Music] Dave I'll never have the money I owe you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I rotated them rim oh my god that was fun [Music] [Applause] it's our friend thank you everybody we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] what is the square root of 25 speak think about this you give the dog to shops you'd think you'd get it right I'm telling him that tremendous to see those be followed us what a thrill and I can't begin to articulate my feelings toward each and every one of them over the years and then of course there's and did you notice me standing next to Peyton Manning it's like we're twins chat well first of all you towered over up you towered over [Applause] this this happened I think it was June 17th 1996 hey the visit to our friendly Taco Bell take a look hi welcome to Taco Bell hi can I have a kid's meal with a soft taco if you're Mexican the meals half off oh yeah welcome to Taco Bell what do you want I'd like two three cheese milk okay wait a minute wait a minute I'm not exactly a computer slow down a slide again take it from the beginning what is it you would like for one two three I'd okay I had a kind of a bad weekend I was born my lawn I got a riding mower a couple of weeks ago and the damn thing rolled over my foot I lost three toes in a medium Diet Coke medium relative to what halfway between the song on the large okay track we got it we can do that ask you to speak up I can hardly hear you I want to tacos supreme soft and one original all right okay too [Applause] I'm ninety nine-cent three cheese melt all right slow down ma'am I am very very tired I'm just getting over the worst case of stomach flu I'm the manager Kenny no you not yes I am yes I am [Applause] yeah we'll get you one of those can you do me a favor it's my lunch break and I haven't had a chance to get anything to eat can can I ask you to get me a little something to eat here here's how this will work oh you order for me a burrito supreme okay okay what would you like ma'am anything else and your stupid thing whatever you want No I'll 84 but you have to order it already it's a burrito supreme with no meat okay try it again what else ma'am alright fine thank you very much that's the 2680 the real todos 2680 the burrito supreme is a little pricey something and a burrito supreme with no meat is that correct she's gone already chief [Applause] override vodkas bullfighters everybody [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] president was a night before Christmas that a creature was stirring not even a mouse now I gotta read Spanish [Music] not a creature was stirring not even a mouse Albert before us favorite moment of the whole show right there now Paul and I of course you're a TV friends yes and as so we know you are primarily through the TV people are constantly saying to us well what do you do when you're not on TV and what happens that we don't get to see that we can't see on the TV so with that in mind we've put together a little it's a vignette it's a slice-of-life it's it's a day in my life take a look [Music] how are you good morning everyone I've been out all day [Music] [Music] asleep right everybody hey I'll tell you what we have today Barbara good more hi assignment always good thanks how's Harry Harry's fine good you know he quit school what yeah you let him quit already we're gonna dirt on tonight's show we've got Jack Hanna he's damn good he is damn good he's been on another two times he's never once brought the same animal you don't think there's more than hundred two animals oh I know I do but I think there's only so make adorable baby animals you can display on TV right although you can display on tea I'm sure ya know but tonight he's not bringing animals later hey Cho Billy Joe [Music] survive Michael Kiki Oh Oh for heaven's sakes Michael Keaton [Music] it's pretty good you just are so clearly resentful of having to do it which is fantastic you know sing some great show that maybe Mary's got to reposition like last week I was trying not to get my desk message how's that yeah you know what a minute about the rest of my life to social media you get electrocuted thanks Loretta an intern that electrocuted rough dead the copier [Applause] [Music] I just refreshed high school from what you know tell me this how come yeah my cousin cousin beaver crash to the high school prom it's cool when I do it it creepy I like that the theme of the prom MIDI crash was enchantment under the influence let me just remind you that everything that you say or do is being recorded now for you to make a full layer so no combing over the White House correspondent coverage you can find some really interesting things look at this is this seat taken sweetheart pretty lady like you shouldn't have to getting it so it's not so drunken clubs easy it's entire movie every shooting the monuments can we get the microphone down here and maybe just cut out the middleman I tried sure damn weather what happened the breadsticks are easier to grab the act one the first thing is the Smithsonian curator taking the cue cards then it's the White House Correspondents Dinner so we're ending on the Spider Man is that the strong what else we have there we have well or we could end with the Tony guy oh that's pretty strong let's do that hey Bo how you doing I know you hate this what happened oh you hate syphilis there's a parade of people coming and they all say the same thing Dave I know you hate this and they go on to do it [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] the 33 years whether I've back with Foo Fighters let in gentlemen [Music] [Music] about those guys you know I've i-i've been thinking about this and I I think I could be taller than Peyton Manning let me let me say a couple of things here and then we'll continue with activities the last six weeks it's been crazy people have been saying lovely things about us and it's really been over the top and I can't tell you how flattering embarrassing and gratifying it has all been I had two things to say about this first of all we've done over 6000 shows and I was [Music] I was here for most of them I and I can tell you a pretty high percentage of those shows just absolutely suck well so now and also in light of all of this praise merited or not do me a favor save a little for my funeral all right okay I'd appreciate it Paul and I came here 22 years ago from NBC and fellow by the name of Howard Stringer was the the man who ran CBS in those days and he wanted us to do the show here in this theater and and Paul and I said okay we'll go take a look at it but frankly it was a dump I mean it was it was a huge horrible dump it was not certified for habitation and and we came in and this is a true story crawling with rats big rats but but there were so many rafters and beams falling down the and this is also true the rats were stoop-shouldered now that's absolutely absolutely a true story but he turned it in along turned it into this beautiful theater how gurney also helped and and now look at it and we've we've come to call this home each and every day and love it more and more and what a wonderful place to do a show and and what tremendous music that this place has house and in those days Kathleen anchors also helped them design it and it had to yeah she was wonderful it had to meet architectural regulations because it's a landmark structure here in the city and quickly we grew to love it and then then Howard Stringer left and I believe now he is in charge of a string of very successful nail salons it's nice and then a man named les Moonves took over and les is still with us today and les came in and I I will just say a few things about our relationship with Les Moonves this man over the years has been a friend to the show he has been very supportive of the show and he has been more than patient with me and if this was a printed sheet of paper you could underline patient several dozen times so I would like to thank mr. Moonves for that support and the crew what a tremendous crew we have had here the people you see on the stage the people you don't see on the stage the people you see upstairs the props Department the audio the cameras the makeup the Wardrobe the scenic it goes on and on and on and these people night after night have put up with my nonsense and taken great care of not just me but everybody on the show my thank you to everybody involved with that the staff what a tremendous staff and was that we have researchers and these poor people work in some kind of subterranean pit there is no natural light there whatsoever but yet they come in day in and day out and they do the work we have we have the talent coordinators they bring the guests in we have the segment producers they put together the segments we have producers we have people in the control room I've never been in the control room but is the control room let me have a shot of the there there hi everybody how's it going I'm Dave [Music] let's keep it to three drinks today okay and of course the writers throughout the years of this show on the show at NBC I have been blessed and lucky to work with men and women who are smarter than I am and funnier than I am and I have always been interested in doing the show that the writers have given me now these people collectively that I have just now mentioned and introduced believe me this is absolutely the truth deserve more credit for this show than I ever will thank you to all of those people [Music] now folks we see every night my thanks to our announcer Alan kalter I don't know of a better announcer Alan kalter a guy who has been with me for 35 years and mostly everyday he and I have been involved in making television shows Biff Henderson Biff worried age dependency right there Thank You Beth god bless you here's what I will miss most about this show and we will start now with Felicia Collins Felicia Collins Sid McGinnis Willie Anton fig Tom Malone Frank green Aaron hi and my good good friend as good a friend as you can have on television as good a friend as you can have in life absolutely a musical genius Paul Shaffer it's the stevia how about that ban thank you everybody thank you so much David you changed our lives we've loved every second of it it's so obvious every night and again tonight that they are so much better at their job than I am my job a part of the show was my mother for guys oh yes know that I don't know that's that's that's Betty White Betty White man let me see my mom there she is I remember the first time we were gonna have mom on the show and I called her and I said mom we would like you to be on my show and mom said you have a show and it's been nothing but fun every time I want to thank my own family my wife Regina and my son Harry thank you [Music] bring that kid just seriously just thank you for being my family I love you both and really nothing else matters does it [Music] and before the show Harry wanted me to introduce his buddy Tommy Roboto Tommy right there Tommy [Music] oh man I want to thank the the folks at home you know and people come up to me all the time they say Dave I've been watching you since your morning show and I always say have you thought about a complete psychological workout the people who watch this show there's nothing I can do to ever repay you thank you for everything you've given me everything and thank you again let me tell you a little something about Foo Fighters first of all can we show the picture that we were gonna show of my son before he stood up let me hear it was the picture we were we've had him to all the best clinics yes so 15 years ago I have open-heart surgery and these people saved my life the and I'm out not doing the show for like five or six weeks it and I'm in talking with Sheila Rodgers who she says well on your first show back is there anything special you would like musically and I said well yeah and we got to talking and we said what about Foo Fighters they had been on I think at that time four or five times and she said well I'll ask them but it could be a problem and I said well just ask them and and also there's a song of theirs I would like to hear it's it's special to me it's been meaningful through my heart recovery it would be just great two days later she calls back she says well there's some we have some they're on tour in South America and I said oh darn is she says well that's alright they cancelled the tour who said they are coming back to do the show and they are doing the song that you asked for and ladies and gentlemen happily ever since we've been joined at the hip god bless you gentlemen [Music] all right that's pretty much all I got the only thing I have left to do for the last time on a television program thank you and good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] Wow [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] but this on Seidman yes I'm sure [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 187,698

Keywords: Late Show with David Letterman

Id: 2EMtwKZhBIs

Length: 59min 56sec (3596 seconds)

Published: Mon May 16 2016