LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
KRISTEN STEWART. ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT IS REALLY GREAT TO BE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," I GOT TO
TELL YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M HERE TO PROMOTE MY MOVIE "TWILIGHT" WHICH THIS WEEK HAS
BEEN ON iTUNES FOR EIGHT YEARS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CHECK IT OUT. I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS TO BE
HOSTING BECAUSE, I KNOW THE PRESIDENT'S PROBABLY WATCHING.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T THINK HE LIKES ME THAT
MUCH. HERE'S HOW I KNOW.
FOUR YEARS AGO THIS GUY I WAS DATING THIS GUY NAMED ROB.
ROBERT. WE BROKE UP AND THEN WE GOT BACK
TOGETHER, AND FOR SOME REASON IT MADE DONALD TRUMP GO INSANE.
[ LAUGHTER ] HERE'S WHAT HE ACTUALLY TWEETED
AND THIS IS REAL. "ROBERT PATTINSON SHOULD NOT
DATE KRISTEN STEWART BECAUSE SHE CHEATED ON HIM LIKE A DOG AND
WILL DO IT AGAIN. JUST WATCH.
YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER." [ LAUGHTER ]
NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. RIGHT?
THAT'S SO CRAZY, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED ABOUT YOU ONCE.
NO, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED ABOUT ME 11 TIMES.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE ALSO SAID, "EVERYONE KNOWS
I'M RIGHT THAT ROBERT PATTINSON SHOULD DUMP KRISTEN STEWART.
IN A COUPLE YEARS HE WILL THANK ME.
BE SMART, ROBERT." [ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW. THEN ONE DAY LATER HE TWEETED,
"EVERYONE'S ASKING ME TO SPEAK MORE ON ROBERT AND KRISTEN AND I
DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME EXCEPT TO SAY, ROBERT, DROP HER, SHE
CHEATED ON YOU AND SHE'LL DO IT AGAIN."
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY.
TO BE FAIR, I DON'T THINK DONALD TRUMP HATED ME.
I THINK HE'S IN LOVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND.
BECAUSE HE ALSO TWEETED THIS. "MISS UNIVERSE 2012 PAGEANT WILL
BE AIRING LIVE ON NBC AND TELEMUNDO DECEMBER 19th.
OPEN INVITE. STANDS FOR ROBERT PATTINSON."
[ LAUGHTER ] SO YEAH, THAT IS CRAZY.
RIGHT? THE PRESIDENT IS NOT A HUGE FAN
OF ME. BUT THAT IS SO OKAY.
AND DONALD, IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME NOW, YOU'RE REALLY PROBABLY
NOT GOING TO LIKE ME NOW. BECAUSE I'M HOSTING "SNL" AND
I'M LIKE SO GAY, DUDE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT I HAVE TO SAY, IT IS REALLY, REALLY AWESOME TO BE HERE.
I'M SURE MAYBE SOME OF YOU ARE SURPRISED THAT I'M HOSTING
BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M TOO COOL OR SCHOOL OR SOMETHING --
>> HELL YEAH, KRISTEN. I'M TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL TOO, I
DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS SHOW. >> REALLY?
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT IT? >> YEAH, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE
ON IT, RIGHT? I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE YOU,
RIGHT? SLEEP ALL DAY, PARTY ALL NIGHT.
>> YEAH, THAT'S COOL. THAT SOUNDS COOL.
I DON'T REALLY DO THAT, THOUGH. I WORKED ON FIVE MOVIES LAST
YEAR. ONE OF THEM'S CALLED "PERSONAL
SHOPPER," YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.
I DIRECTED A SHORT FILM THAT PREMIERED AT SUNDANCE, WHICH WAS
FUN. >> HUH.
THEY DID SUNDANCE THIS YEAR? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, DUDE, THEY DO IT EVERY YEAR, IT'S A THING.
>> HA, OKAY. THAT'S WEIRD BECAUSE I SENT THEM
A BUNCH OF LITTLE MOVIES, THEY SAID THEY WEREN'T DOING IT THIS
YEAR. OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY, YOU SEEN MY HOG? IT'S PRETTY COOL, I GUESS, BUT
WHO FRICKIN' CARES? >> NO, I SEE THAT.
THAT'S AWESOME. WHAT KIND OF MOTORCYCLE IS THAT?
IT'S COOL. >> IT'S A BIG BLACK ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHO EVEN CARES, RIGHT?
ALL I CARE ABOUT IS SEX. YEAH, I'M NEVER NOT DOING IT.
I HAVE SEX EVERY SINGLE DAY. >> YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
>> EVERY DAY. >> UM -- I THINK THAT'S REALLY
HEALTHY. THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.
YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, THOUGH.
JUST TO MAKE ME THINK YOU'RE COOL.
BECAUSE I THINK YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME.
IT'S A DONE DEAL. >> OH THANK GOD.
>> YEAH, THANK YOU. BECAUSE I HAVE SEX ONCE A WEEK
ON SUNDAYS RIGHT BEFORE DINNER AND THAT'S IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ACTUALLY, THAT IS MORE
HEALTHY, A REALLY GOOD CHOICE. WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW AND I
TOTALLY CARE THAT I'M HERE BECAUSE IT'S THE COOLEST -- [
EXPLETIVE ] I'M SORRY AND ALESSIA CARA IS ALSO HERE AND
I'LL NEVER COME BACK. STICK AROUND!
