KPCS: Dana Gould #127

today's episode of Kevin Pollock's chat show is brought to you by audible go to audible podcast.com kpcs to download your free audio book Charli Rose you're not wrong about that hello how are you Kevin Pollock's Chat Show back in your face or just your ears whatever the case may be thanks for joining us today we're uh we're pre-taping because my guest is very very important and he'll be working uh on The emy's Telecast uh live he'll be standing in the Wings Live uh making sure the damn thing's funny Bruce fanch well better than Bruce fanch is the Hope because Bruce stands there literally like you cannot pass the bridge unless um but we're hoping for hoping for great Emmys with Jane Lynch how could it not be so we'll get to that uh shortly but I know it's on Fox what does that mean it won't be funny because it's on Fox oh I see come on The Simpsons can make fun of fox I can't uh yeah what happened to Sam LaVine what was that I just saw Sam excuse me sir Jewish sir what are you doing here the Arab has taken us over ladies and news this is Jason anun we've talked at Great length about uh our work together and he was a guest on this show back in the 70s guest number three guest number three who else was on that show no one cares Elon Musk Elon Musk that's right he got all the ratings revealed the secret he revealed that one secret it was like wow yeah it was suddenly a news day uh hello uh Dr antune for 127 episodes you've been saying is Sam okay is he going to make the show this week and then this week he couldn't come well Sam's been unemployed this long so finally apparently has gotten a job so I'm able to nothing will endear you to his heart more than to sit in his chair and take a shot at his nuts they had to adjust the camera for me so we are on the taller cam is this the taller cam I'm working the crew now at this point uh well Mr antune thank you so much for for sitting in and and joining us and you you'll help with who tweeted later and we're excited about that uh what's new what can you tell us what's going on I have a child I'm sorry sound like you said you have a child two months two months old two months old is my child and his name is Holden Quinn antune and what did he weigh in at at Birth 7 pound 4 ooun he was 21 12 inches long I don't know whose joke it is but there's a reason that number doesn't get calculated throughout the years you know I came in at 7 lb 4 oz 7B 4 o now he's uh 146 you're saying he's doubled in si he's doubled his size we went in for his uh two month shots which is like craziness he's like laying on the table procreated please explain if you haven't procreated two Monon shot is you get all the different shots at two months so you can basically bring your child to out in the public in the public okay this is why you've had a quarantine tent over the you sit in your house for six months not six months six weeks seven weeks and doing nothing but going to Ralph's and Trader Joe's and bring and you have to put things on your hands before youch your people come and visit you you have the the the we came we visited we came for the viewing and you squirted us on entrance and squirted us on the way out was Kevin never held him nope neither did I only Elaine only elain Elaine El he loved Elaine because Elaine's what bouncing it was bouncing I don't mean a bouncing on her ample bosom is that what that was I resemble that comment cut to we shoot we get the two month shot two two Monon old shots not two why am I saying this wrong I don't know but shots at 2 months old they stab his knees they stab they give him a little little liquid I think it's a robo virus or I don't remember what it was called it's a liquid and then three shots in the the the little chunky marshmallow Stay Puff Marshmallow thigh it doesn't have veins yet do have veins I think it's cuz it's just just marshmallowy so finally my wife shaa is looking down at him and the nurse is over here and he's like he's all like what are we doing it's cold and then finally he's like and looking at Sha's eyes so know anytime there's any pain is going to associate it with the mother and the father is videotaping it so he's cute though I love there's no way this has anything to do with therapy bills of the Future No but I never thought I was going to have a child and now that I have a child I've have never loved anything more in my entire life other than me other than Kevin well thanks for sitting in um yes I understand although Holden's only two months old he's already started working out he's already started working out yeah seriously yeah now again you mentioned he's a Hollywood baby he's a Hollywood baby he's got to be on a diet he's already sticking his finger down the throat for no reason and uh you mentioned he's got those cute little thighs but apparently they're getting too big or something yeah I told him you got to do if you if you want to get rid of the thighs you got to start working out so and I have it on tape I have a you have a clip I have a clip did you bring a clip yes all right let's take a look at the clip of Holden and tune working out here we go that's not cute at all I don't know what you're talking about now there's music playing in the background normally we didn't we couldn't afford the rights but normally there's music right and then he just says you know what Dad I uh I'm kind of done now he's floating like a yo like Yoda he just made he just made a face like I'm making yeah he crapped I don't know what that's like in the Arab family but in the Jewish Family literally the child and that's how you know they're [ __ ] well when you feed when I start feeding my baby hummus then he'll humus up oh well congratulations thank you on all of it and thank you for sitting in you know there's responsibilities here we'll come to later but for now Jamie yes is it weird not having a Jew next to you but in fact an Arab the counterpart well the thing about Sam that drives me crazy is he always reads over my shoulder and he's like why'd you write this what what are you doing you don't appreciate the scrutinizing so I want to see how much yune scrutinizes me now that you've mentioned it either a that's all he'll do or a I have no chat it's not live so I have no chat room so there's he can't really now he's wondering what the [ __ ] he's doing here I know you just killed the story um didn't you uh don't you have something to report didn't something magical happen yesterday at the L capy 10 no you saw the Lion King for the first time you went to the El Capitan for the first time yeah but you never saw The Lion King all right fine we'll get to my shitty part of the story but you got to go to the El capy tan how was that wasn't there a dancing Simba It tone the mircat oh the Mir cat Nathan Lane's character yes there was a dancing toone no it was great and I I want to go back for uh The Nightmare Before Christmas in 4D 4D cuz there special effects in the theater in the theater they're going to snow on us snow and fog and Tim burtney goodness we're going yes Timber walks across the screen at one point and uh waves awkwardly large margin comes out her no that's a different movie uh for D that's going to be exciting that's very exciting oh and yeah and Halloween time started at Disneyland yesterday so I have to go next week that's my favorite time of year well it's the best time because Tim Burton throws up on the Haunted Mansion he does yeah it's fantastic it's the greatest thing in the world all right um I want to say thanks to Aaron Carr we've uh we've exchanged emails and um he won I think the Larry King game sent him uh his T-shirt and he sent a sweatshirt and a water bottle and this beautiful hat from the USS George HW Bush This is the maiden voyage of this particular vessel that he's on uh and uh we couldn't be more proud so thank you very much for this Aaron car and I will wear it with tremendous Pride um and you know what send me another one I trying to figure out while I was being sincere how could I possibly be a dick and it almost came out um all right I did want to say apparently we've switched our RSS feed for those of you around the world and out at Sea uh please resubscribe for the video uh I don't want to name names or point fingers uh blip.tv but um we had there's too much manual going on so um please um resubscribe all and we did have a proud sponsor I don't know if you saw a little blip at the top of the show audible.com Audible has the largest selection of digital audio books available for download with over 85,000 titles Audible has the best narrators interrupting interrupting I always say that every week the best narrators interrupting books by top authors that doesn't make any sense at all try reading it again monkey Audible has the best narrators interpreting books by top authors ah now would it makes sense my recommended book of the week for you is this is a book by Demetri Martin go to ingesting the show are you watching are you listening are you what um and we're starting to finally hear back from peeps so um how we consume the show this one is from Karen kavie cavi K or hi I watch using my Apple TV device I love that it's a device not just Apple TV by using my Apple TV device and flat screen TV stop it says large flat screen and I'm if you have a 27 in flat screen kill yourself not or open a hotel I was watch using my Apple TV device and large flat who a robot wrote this I wash with breakfast to start my day with laughter instead of depressing news on CNN keep up the good work oh that was from Peg balls BS no that was from the cavy all right this is from Peg balsman Kevin I so prefer to watch the show live I curl up on my couch with the laptop on the coffee table I look forward to watching the show sideways on Sundays that's the name of my third book but I have to tell you that I have issue with the lack of notification of time changes it is annoying to find out when I tune in at the scheduled time only to find out the show time changed and I missed an hour of the show or I go to tune in and find that the time change to a later time only only to fall asleep waiting for the show to start I rarely find time change information God I'm a horrible reader really find time change information on the website are tweets sent out H crap I'm not tweet Savvy hate to miss you guys thank you for free podcasts again um now the problem with the tweets are it's one of those things where it's such a it's so timely like if you don't see that tweet come in within like 5 10 minutes it's it's lost in your stre mean Ying our social media genius executive this one that's that's rocking a baby on rocking a baby on a rample pzzle it's a water bed I love elain oh youing in the other room she's like I'm hung over and I don't want to deal with this so she's kind of enough to put all these changes on Facebook and I tweet it up as much as I can can but you're right it is frustrating at times especially if you're not doing the Facebook or the tweeting threatening to come in here but keeping in mind that we launched this show and the only marketing we used was Twitter um the only marketing we've ever really used was Twitter I would say get the [ __ ] on Twitter honey if you're going to follow the show but that's uh that's not fair of me so I'm going to say get the [ __ ] on Twitter honey if you're going to watch the show all right uh much thanks to Adam Richmond for our little two minutes on man versus food apparently that aired Wednesday cuz I couldn't have gotten more [ __ ] tweets on that uh we've asked you also to write us questions if you want to know something about us in particular this section of the show is called ask Kevin ask Kevin she did not sing ask Kevin ask Kevin from Pitch Black Hey Kevin have any of your impressions changed over the years as your voice changed or perhaps when you're sick becoming more difficult or perhaps better it is true and I'll talk to my guest because we were talking off camera a little bit about his trouble with Larry King and what it did to his throat it is true when I'm sick with a cold my Sylvester Stallone is Flawless oh absolutely you know when you get that thing and suddenly everything is still on you um I sound like Dei when I'm sick that's true I do I have that raspy voice which reminds me that de's voice very very sexy in uh for a day and a half um and then this question from Howard nope I always think Howard Hawk it's Robert Hawk how are you long after growing up with Adam West's work I respectfully miss a chance to approach him oh I missed a chance to approach him after he had paid his lunch check and before he had risen from his table I wanted to meet him but did not want to intrude so for ask Kevin I ask what is the protocol for respectfully approaching a celebrity we the fans would like like to know uh we want to be cool fans at the same time but at the same time privacy and ambition always conflict thoughts um a very respectful question very respectful indeed uh I don't I think that it's probably an individual thing and I feel like if I give you advice on what's best you'll use it and then Jason ston will rip off your head and [ __ ] down your neck as much as I don't want that to happen I'd like to be there when it does I think is what I'm getting I give it tip please honey know who the hell you're talking to don't go up to the person and be like what do I know you from he you I went to school with you did I go to school with you like if you're going to approach somebody go on your [ __ ] smartphone and look it up first at least or don't come over it all that's what annoys me the worst is what have I seen you in and then you're like yeah go no I what have I seen you in my answer to what did I see you in is I sorry I wasn't with you when you saw it they go you an actor and then they get mad and then they scream at you tell us the story again at the airport walk to the airport I no you're in a Starbucks at the airport I'm standing outside with the luggage this guy comes up to me and is like what movies has your boyfriend been in and I said a lot I don't know what you've seen he's like just tell me what movies he's been in and I'm like a Few Good Men and he's said Thank you was it that hard it walked away best fan possible wish I had him on the show now oh my God what a piece of [ __ ] uh also major major props and oh oh there's the that we're done with the ask C major props and thanks to the fine folks at the at the Peter Pit Zach and the Gang down at Heros Beach of everywhere near there folks and around the country for that [ __ ] matter check out the Peter Pit they got some great stuff in this Sho you wondering you bet you gurin Brothers get yourself a gin brothers from my hometown San Francisco go online you son of a [ __ ] and look them up they got beautiful hats and not terribly expensive for handmade hats I'm just saying under 50 bucks in many in many cases uh and lastly the Larry King game we have a winner this week it's been several weeks and we have a winner in 27 minutes I'll introduce my guest this Larry King come from Jeff Sawyer Mount horb Wisconsin wow I didn't even know there was a mount horb or Jeff Sawyer no Jeff Sawyer but not horb h o r e b how would you pronounce it yes of course I'm sorry I left I left out the terribly jewy Andor Arab that's where mesb that's where Moses went Moses came down from Mount and said there were 12 I did some editing uh all right now because no Jew would ever actually share what happened if you want a lovely Kevin po sh Show t-shirt simply write in your version of Larry King game here's this week's winner it's brief it is to the point and it made me laugh my back has one skin tag for every state in America to hunga California you're on on the air I love every square inch of that usually they're long and Flowery my back has a skin tag for every state is that the shortest one or you heard that is the shortest one no are these all 50 states or these the states that only like Larry King recognizes because he's like [ __ ] Alaska in Hawaii never heard Larry say [ __ ] Alaska in Hawaii it might have been a Sarah Palin thing um all right so there's our winner for this week congratulations if you want any part of that write to contact at Kevin poock chat.com again that's contact at Kevin Pool chat.com for ask Kevin Larry kingame or tell us how you consume the show um my guest today unbelievably exciting we have uh made efforts over time to make this happen that's all I'm going to say and uh today's the payoff so uh here's to that um I've been a big big huge fan for a very very long time have quoted him on this show several times I'll tell you when and in the context whenever anyone says something about a horrible comedy club that they played in which many of our guests have over these 127 shows I always think of his dead-on interpretation of the name of a comedy club because they all have the worst names possible and his name in fact it may be apocryphal now I may have changed it over the years because I've been dining off of his Brilliance always giving him credit uh for some 25 years uh uh from when he said uh oh you play that club yeah you should play the one I just came from what was the name of it Uncle fck chuckle Hutch ladies and gentlemen Dana thank you Uncle [ __ ] I've been [ __ ] It uncle fucker's chuckle Hutch yeah yeah there was another great one uh that I never did Sir laughs a lot there one and there's a really funny comic uh it became a writer named Paul clay I love Paul yeah you know Paul clay Paul had a great observation is that when you walk up to a one nighter in the sign out front and it says comedy night nit illiteracy will be the theme of your evening count on it count on it yes thank you for having me I'm sorry I've been so difficult to get a hold of listen you know what and yet I'm doing nothing well we we'll get to that we'll get to all the nothing you're allegedly doing um let's uh let's go right to the my career is stalled like a bip plane in a steep climb I'm sorry in putting together your dossier the the reference speaking of references the references to um uh Dennis Miller who who I love how Dana Carvey once reduced Dennis Miller's entire act if not career to topic reference indifference wow yeah that's am to his face by the way I'm not telling Tales out of school um topic reference inde deference wow um so uh uh we uh I think originally met in San Francisco where you uh cut some serious uh standup comedy teeth yeah that's sort of I I started out in Boston but I sort of became a good comedian in San Francisco but you had the thing with me I hope according to your dossier that you started at 177 um in nightclubs yeah like right out of high two weeks out of high school I did my first Open Mic at a place in Boston called the dingho the dingho which was Chinese restaurant um H with a comedy uh Club in the front Well I booked Boston uh over 25 years ago some you know the connection and whatnot and somebody said you got to play the dingho while you're here and I said sorry they said yeah you got to play The Ding Ho I said well what is that they said it's a Chinese rest and I said stop talking turns out two weeks before just in the month before I first performed there on June 17th 1982 uh Steven Wright was discovered for The Tonight Show for The Tonight Show literally two weeks before in that room yes and he appeared like the following week for the first time ever the weird thing is he got discovered this way Peter Lali the producer of the tenant show was in Boston looking at colleges for his son Tom who was getting ready to go to college while he was in Boston he just said hey let me see who you have let me see who was in town right saw Steven picked Steven Steven career took off I mean it was a legendary appearance on The Tonight Show yes it was and he was on the the following week which was unheard of unheard of uh oddly that kid Tom who did not go to Harvard Lali Lali now my manager shut the [ __ ] up is that weird that's beyond weird yeah um ironically that man Tom Lali owns a Plymouth Duster um by the knee they don't make him anymore we don't make anything no he's but is and it was a legendary and the and the I I remember the night obviously very you know in in comedy you always remember your first time in sex You' try hard to forget it yeah um but uh I've been trying so hard me too um I was thinking of it a lot when you said there's been too much handling you well any comedian that's toured knows what you're talking about uh but uh you know was Lenny Clark hosted and all these Bob goway Don Gavin Steven wri all these they were an amazing amazing group of comedians in Boston they were truly extraordinary comedians at the time there uh go Wade and but I remember uh Jack Gallagher Jack Gallagher huge who played the doctor on curb the first couple Seasons um but Lenny Clark seemed to be the Kingpin at the time yeah and I remember the first time seeing his act thinking I will never see anyone funnier than this no and he is one of those guys in this is the thing that that Boston you know created is that you really had to be and Kenny Rogerson who was a huge influence on me I stole stuff never material but I pillaged his Essence mercilessly um uh he um you know there it's a really rough town it's like Liverpool in in a musical analogy it's a really rough Town Boston I was trying to explain to people what it's like people who haven't been there think oh Boston it's just Harvard and and MIT and no yeah and I I I was just telling the story the other day I was on a date going to see Broadcast News wow walking down Commonwealth Avenue with Mary Beth Begley I'll a date with and uh car drove by and this guy just looked at me [ __ ] you queer I just like I'm with a guy with a girl walking down the street what what what why you can't even do the math that gets you to no no it's true there's no Bridge there's no just R just hostility no connective tissue but to do that you had to be a really strong comedian because they didn't like unlike like when when I went to San Francisco it was like getting into a hot tub you know because they like you know we've read the three comedy newspapers this city has to offer I'd like to hear what you have it was so insane cuz in Boston you're literally like trying to talk over the fight yeah um and and as a result Lenny is a you know the sort of the the T-Rex of that town where you there was nothing else going on in the room than him when he walked on stage yeah but that doesn't translate to The Tonight Show David Letterman like that kind of cool right performance so that's uh that's something that I had to I had to really for myself uh sort of take my ACT apart and and walk back 10 miles and figure out how to do it in those shows right right yeah yeah yeah to what I proud to say to mediocre effect well of course how did you decide while thriving in that environment other than wanting to escape I couldn't wait to get out of there I grew up there and I was just I couldn't wait to go and and but but San Francisco in particular San Francisco in particular because you skirt I love [ __ ] no um I love just just let that be the one clip One Clip that's the Carl Pilkington L Dana ghoul found dead you remember him now I love K Dana 1964 um file photo no I two things um I was really good friends with Bob gowe and Tom Kenny and his uh these other guys that followed him out to San Francisco and and I did oddly enough I'm one of I had a met a girl who lived out there well kill two Bros with one sound and uh so you killed Tom Kenny and the girl I killed Tom Kenny and the girl and it was just great it was it was I knew I didn't I wanted to go to Los Angeles I didn't want to go to New York and I just think that came from being from the East Coast you know I wanted to go to La and I knew that I didn't have enough money you know I I I I was a very calculated thing I'll move to San Francisco I'll establish a little West Coast Network I'll get you know have enough of a Road schedule that I can live and then I'll move to LA and that's exactly what I did I I how long were you in San Francisco I was only I only lived there two years but I would then I performed more in San Francisco after I had moved to Los Angeles oh of course you know you establish a foothold nobody wants you to come back my first couple years in La I can only afford to live in Los Angeles by going back to San Francisco every six weeks that's exactly what yeah exactly the same thing between San Francisco and Boston right and then the in the uh this American Southeast uh where I did a lot of road work in the in the late 9 your Carol your Florida the the uh yeah the chrisa Rond denunzio how would you like to get paid white or green circuit if you're if you if you know what oh the 80s yeah oh the 80s green how would you like to get paid white or green that's that's I had not heard it put that way now that was neither one of those gentlemen uh ever said that to me but people club Owners down in in the Carolinas and yeah that was a common it was yeah again it was the it was the 80s it was but it was you know I I it was you know going on the road when you're 23 is great you know it's like it's it's the it's awesome I had a blast I don't know that people have that perspective actually or that it's even been discussed in detail on the show what were one of the some of the first things that you saw out there in the Great Wide World Naked comedian I see I see what you're saying naked waitress you found strangers to sleep with yeah the 99.9% of it but what about Ben food clothing shelter well yeah you are a male you're heterosexual uh but in terms of audiences in uh towns with accents you're not familiar with and and seeing how the ACT translates from well because I came from Boston I was able to do that with a fair amount of ease because I I really did you know if you come up in San Francisco it's that is a very that's a terrible place in a way because you're free to devel an incredibly unique specific act like um that uh that you know JY ker yeah that it's not weighed down by the the meat and potatoes demands of just being able to stay on stage right and in a in a front of an audience you can be a true original unique and Snowflake and they love you for it right whereas the rest of the country want you to get to the joke yeah exactly and and that's well put snowflake is perfectly put and then and but because I came from a you know a place get [ __ ] joke it's like if you could could you just make your abortion not as noisy I have to finish this joke you know it's like somebody's you know somebody's repainting car parts there's a yeah someone's performing a cat abortion that'd be better you know I love this see people don't appreciate a good abortion joke yeah I love abortion and miscarriage jokes yes well well we'll work on the L yeah hilarious hilarious m mares we need to we need to punch up the few working I can't believe that music will closed in a day I know it's weird I guess we'll get Trey and Matt on it see if they can't make it sing but uh but no but so I was but you know it is in a way it's depressing because you're you know you're in Greenville North Carolina nobody's into what you're you know no one is into what you're into and uh and you're just you know but you know that is when you're you know you're 23 and you sort of live out your little beat Nick fantasy and that sort of are you focused on the ACT much or is it just an adventure no I was very focused I knew I wanted to be a standup since I was like 14 so for me it was I it was very very into it I assume you've read Bourne standing up one of the all-time great book sure so here's a guy who Steve Martin in this case goes on the road to literally redefine what kind of act he's going to do and only discover how to do that act by putting in his 10,000 hours right in front of the strangers throughout the country yeah um so that part I'm curious about in terms of finding your voice because at 23 you know you're still a smartass even if you started at 17 your act as Leaps and Bounds lot years ahead of where you started but you're still 23 you're still 23 I mean it was I was a very effective entertainment for a half an hour well you're supposed to do an hour no I mean I was when I was middling on the road you know or and then when I was headlining but and then around effective meaning I was good but I wasn't I could fill the time I could keep the audience's attention I was I was entertaining I was not intimidated by you know because I came out of a cauldron so I I could I could do the job right in terms of being a comedian in terms of doing something that didn't happen until about 1989 right and without getting into into too much shop talk and and you know it's uh Kenny Rogerson who I mentioned from Boston figures in the story in two different ways you know you can't be a good comedian until you can't know you are you can't know who you are on stage until you know who you are offstage and for me because I was basically I was raised pretty much unsupervised um six seven kids yeah Irish Catholic Irish Catholic yeah the the fifth the the fifth of six how many of you don't have shoes on yeah the yeah the half of your mom's job I was the only sober person I knew within miles within M including like my brother's friends my parents friends the other half of the duplex that we lived in it was just no it was literally it was Angela's Ashes I me it was just and I literally I did not and I grew up in a very very small town there were 52 kids in my graduating high school class 52 52 hope Dale Massachusetts the world's most ironically named Town yeah um and you know I literally did not have social skills I literally did not know how to behave how to talk to people I didn't know how to meet people that I didn't know and I and Kenny Rogerson has said this about his uh uh his when he was uh clean now that he's clean he would say like you know I I meet people that I knew when I was using I I meet people I've met when I was using and I just apologize and walk away that's the first thing yeah and and I will steal that and I say uh you know I meet people I knew before I was 30 and I just apologize and walk away um and uh but around yeah around because you were socially inept or because you were trying to figure out I was always on and very I was always that's when I met you yeah I was like the rais I was like the sun on the raisin brand box just like I would just just you know just all the time I remember thinking he likes Coke yeah I've never done it right you know I was I've never done anything you were just High charged high energy it was pure it was a laser of need well a photon torpedo of need of need well I like to say suggest that we all suffer from hey look at me disease from a very early age who choose this profession whether we had support from the families however our stories very iian because they have their [ __ ] together right yeah here's another thing you don't often hear now that I've worked through all of my emotional issues I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism but uh but I sort of discovered uh an like an in into the around 1989 just by the nature of doing it all the time yeah and I uh and I and I finally I uh I was in a relationship that sort of gave me some emotional support um I was sort of free to uh get into the stuff I I started to do the stuff on stage that I thought was funny right you know I stopped trying to be like a different comedian I like what how do I think that is funny and I took you know like I could show you the math where I took like Kenny rogerson's sort of Love Of Darkness like gay Wilson cartoons and and Albert Brooks's very uh conversational ease like all of his standup on Comedy minus one which is the whole Richie Haven story on is is literally like what I took and just said like in the way that Paul McCartney says he heard the ever I'm not comparing myself to Paul McCartney but the way he I'll do that yeah um the way he took like you know the the Everly Brothers and Buddy Holly and was able to sort of retrofit them into what his talent like that that one monologue of Albert Brooks has really changed the way I performed because it was just like he's just telling about he's just talking about something that happened to him well I wanted to ask you specifically about a time when the boom of stand up comedy was dying uh 9091 and you were uh with like-minded standups in the Los Angeles area Patton Oswald and the like and that was before Pat I know what you're getting at that was Patton had just moved to San Francisco um in 1990 yeah in the in the early 90s he there was two sort of groups we'll go ahead like the alternative comedy scene is no the idea well in a larger sense and giving it a name of course but the idea that you would go on stage as you were just saying and instead of doing the act the patent talk about politics religion and the so on I'm going to go out and actually talk about what what was annoying the [ __ ] out of me two hours ago yeah we H there was a group of us living in La this 91 I just moved I I I'd been living in La for a couple years and uh I my friends here I um you know I had my like regular standup comedy World friends people that I had become friends with by middling for them in the late 80s people like um it was funny uh I was friends I'm friends with two different generations of comedians I was really good friends with Kevin Rooney and Dennis Miller and Carol leafer and Bill Maher and and all of those people cuz you middle for them CU I middle for them and was with them socially you know all the and your actors always it it it was effective yeah I was I was a plumber I could fix your toilet you know sort of uh but then there were my my life friends that were the people that I just lived with and that was like Jenny Gara um Kathy Griffin Bob Odenkirk had just come to LA from working on Saturday Night Live Ben Stiller it was before his show had come on he had just had a show on MTV right um and and what we know these and those are the people that I sort of lived with and went to movies with and and hung out with and we noticed that our audience wasn't in comedy clubs this was right when standup had as you said the the the boom was had reached its point of putrescence and uh and it was just uh kind of over and and our the people that comedy fans didn't go to comedy clubs they've been driven out right by the just the sheer number of people with jackets rolled up to their their elbows yeah um there was an inventory problem there was an inventory it was just it was everywhere you know you you know I you know six shows on TV the evening at The Improv sty it's a same thing that killed I'm from button Willow Omaha we have seven clubs the same thing that killed Vaudeville uh was a saturation of theaters in their case or in our case clubs around the country where there was too many venues and not enough Talent it was an inventory problem right and also you had six shows on TV reminding you that there were far too many comedians who had five minutes you'd never heard of and it no longer meant anything yeah Jerry Seinfeld tells a story about being in line in an airport and somebody goes uh this was back in the time when J Jerry Seinfeld had to go to airports yes now he's like what what is that is that where they Park planes no that's an airport Jerry U but he was he was Lally why don't they call their pilot by his first name yeah uh they uh he was in line at the airport and this guy goes you're a comedian right and he said yeah he go yeah my my my brother-in-law's comedian yeah it was just it was yeah then was it him or Mar that broke it down further cuz I heard another variation of that or maybe just someone was expounding in I thought it was Mar in the early 80s someone asked you what you did for a living you said a comedian they went really what is what what is that world like by the late ' 80s what do you do for living I'm a comedian oh yeah my uh my cousins say it's great and then by the mid99s what do you what do you do for like I'm a comedian oh yeah me too you too you too oh that's really funny you too who the [ __ ] are you what do you mean you to uh oh yeah me too that's hilarious yeah so are you working who's booking that right white or green yeah yeah and it that was at the point where I would start every show with uh and this will tell you about the clubs at the time you know it's lovely to be here although I have to be honest with you I got into comedy so I wouldn't have to work at the mall by the way there's still clubs at the mall yeah they're still they're still at the mall but um I remember very specifically going to see Elvis Costello and the rude five sure on the spike tour wow at Universal Amphitheater uh and I was I must have been with with Janine and I remember looking at the audience and saying like why aren't these people at our shows cuz it was just like it was it was just us it was just Rel all the same everybody's dressed like us they were and so um it was really Janine I think started it I honestly think it was her that we we just started going into we went to this place called Big and Tall books which is onely Boulevard it was just at like a hipster bookstore and they had a little area upstairs we said we're going to do a show at Big and Tall books and where because that's where like our friends would hang out and there was a little coffee thing there it was very much that early '90s mhm friends thing and uh we'll just do a show there and we said but to make it different it was like you know it can't you can't just do your act that's the rule that was the rule to make to give it you know why is this a show right why they can go to The Improv they don't want know no you can't do your act it has to be new stuff and um and there there was a you know some other weird like game show rule to it um and that was sort of and that's how I learned to become a good comedian and that metastized into uncabaret which is a big thing in La uh every Sunday night at this club called Luna Park and that's when everybody like Andy Kindler and paa Tomkins had moved to town by that time Patton had moved down to LA and uh all my and again all my social group right um in the like 9394 995 and that was really the I think of it as a period of people in suede jackets writing on their hands but uh but that's really where I sort of became a a comedian to continue the Beatles analogy further that was Hamburg where I learned how to like what I did today but an interesting just side note that's may may be interesting to Comedy fans maybe not that was the origin of having your notebook with you on stage because you had written it that day for the show that night right you wouldn't literally walk on stage and stream of conscious to talk no we we certainly I know Kathy did and I know I did because we did it at the same place during the day you know we like we work you know this is this will work I want to talk about this I want to talk about that yeah you weren't there writing jokes and then reading them you no but that somehow that became over the course of time that became misconstrued as don't prepare to go on stage right that became like well what what else is there what else no no no no no no that's there it's a show it's still a show you know that it was interesting to watch that get misconstrued yeah there was a funny thing happening with my generation of comedian which is I guess the graduating class just in front of you behind you however that chronologically works well it was those people that as I said it was the it's the class that I had my other foot in right cuz just to finish the thought the weird thing about me I was the only guy from that group who was straddling that would also go to The Improv and do a set you know and it would still go on the road and work as tempy and so let me ask you about that transition then in terms of the freedom of uh expression for lack of a better um that took place and became the uncabaret right and then when you played The Improv in Tempe um how long before you were bringing one to the other uh it was or just filtering it was filtered constantly but I will say this with with all false modesty aside around like 94 95 96 for me anyway it really clicked like what I was doing really clicked and I was able to take you know the thing that a lot of my sort of my alternative comedy class didn't have at the time was just meat and potatoes comedy chops because I had come out of The Cauldron of Boston and had had to work the Carolinas that had just the tools right and then I was able to take the stuff that we were doing on stage and bring it that allow I had enough chops that I could do what I was doing in a regular club and sort of introduce it to a bigger audience and it was and I was strong those early days of bringing actual thoughts to the back to the Carolinas yeah and I well no by that time I didn't have to go to the Carolinas but I remember doing the Comedy Works in Denver temp Comedy Works in Denver Tempe Improv yeah but you know and of course San Francisco which was which was just already there but no I remember going to the Tempe Improv and I had bits where I would go into the audience and and Heckle myself and and long and and and then and long like theatrical pieces but but what it was was I had so much confidence and because I knew what I was doing that you could sell it and and that was you know I was I was again I was good yeah I was it was it those were really you were finding your voice yeah yeah I was sort of and probably blossoming and and thriving because of it as a performer yes as a person I was miserable well please that's assumed no I have to talk about food I have to talk about food now I had a very unhealthy relationship with food where after a show I would only [ __ ] food what a strange name for the club owner um uh to to J to jump around I've never stepped at the virgin but I love to break the seal on a new peanut butter so that I don't know that's a joke I've been trying to make work for 30 years oh I thought the part of the I know yeah you're leaving out the penis dent in the top no I've never actually done it I didn't put that together nobody wants to come back to that it's like a Terminator trying to punch through a steel wall exactly uh to jump around because there's nothing less interesting than chronological order yes and nothing nothing less interesting than listening to me talk about how I came up with my ACT oh no that's actually uh the great stuff I feel as a host I want to jump around and force us to mix things up that's all uh jumping to the present of a new fairly new creation called Carville which Jamie and I saw maybe the maiden voyage or yes it was yes it was and you've done a one at least one more Poss we have and now we're doing six we have like six more planned every like six weeks you and Dave Kenner and who else is involved in uh it's a rag tag band of rebels um it's uh Jim Turner Mark fight uh um Pat Healey is Eddie pepone um and uh then we're getting some comedians the these girls that I work with uh on this other show called Lucha Vavoom which is a massed Mexican wrestling SL Burlesque Review that I work that I participate in no you don't yes I do and uh and I work with these girls the puel Twins and it's uh it's it's actually you know what it is is it's the kind of show that during the time that we were just talking about I would always see and go oh God I could never do that Jim Turner who uh was on arus and uh was Randy the of the Redwoods the original MTV mascot uh he had a very very brilliant stage show in LA in the early 90s called the girly magazine party which was a stage show version of Playboy after dark and he played Tellis wonders the editor of jaunt magazine and its sister Publications slat turn and goo and it was a night in the John Chateau uhuh where you can see some dangerous I I want to I'm going to not do it justice some dangerous cats misbehaving or just a weird great thing and it was just this very funny sort of variety stage show parody that was and who is who is the other one with him now doing the clowns sitting out uh Mark fight who who's also in uh in the girly magazine party because what you realize over the course of the girly magazine party is that tell us wond Suite the publisher of all these magazines doesn't know how to read he's illiterate fantastic every time he get something to read he just hands it to mark but I would look at it and I was like I want to do that I could never do that because I'm so I'm such a standup and uh and but finally just uh you know Dave Kenner and I uh as an actor uh um but we have a lot we have we have a lot of stuff in common um we're both well respected by our peers and then everybody else just asks us why aren't you famous um every day every day boy that question never gets off no no no can't get enough of that question why am I a failure is that what you said I'm I remember being out in La three years my brother on the phone saying you know what you should do you should do the Tonight Show oh thank you my God you should get on the Carson that's what you should do you want to be in Show Business you've been out there in LA 3 years why don't you want why you why don't youbody didn't do that my favorite one was when you just had to go hi Tonight Show yeah Kevin PA I was running of two Tuesday is good for you I've got tennis in the morning I like your use of props thank you um that was that was do you know what that was I like your use of props no that was a complete rip of Albert Brooks in the famous comedian school oh God and I like the way you moved your hand yes um I just showed Jamie the um he there's a great YouTube video of him on the Flip Wilson show doing the uh national anthem national for YouTube all that stuff yeah yeah I like the ventriloquist oh Danny Danny it's so amazing yeah Danny I'm going to light a cigarette I'm going to have a smoke break why don't you talk to the people and he drops them and lights a cigarette oh yeah all that unbelievable yeah so anyway uh long story longer I really this is a show that is just of the has no ulterior motive it's uh I did stand up in it but it's it's I love the lowest rung of the show business ladder I love carnivals I love you know you're talking about it's Halloween I you know I I'm a giant monster freak Halloween freak and uh I'm going to The Nightmare Before Christmas at the El capan I'm going to you know I go to not scary farm I go toal Studios conventions used to be a thing Fango conventions sure I go to Universal Studios but the best one I go to is the haunted corn maze at Pierce College in in northri yeah which is a corn maze cornfield Maze and you go through it at night and people jump out at you oh no we could never do that you would have a heart attack and die they're not allowed to touch you it doesn't matter I got attacked by a Chucky doll last Sunday and I'm still having a nightmare yeah it's the greatest and not allowed to touch you just relieve you of your bowel yeah know you can well it's you it's not that bad it's it's it's certainly kids can't do it but it's it's it's fun my favorite story is I was there with my other grown adult Halloween nerd friends and uh we're walking through the maze at night and uh and this guy comes out of the Corn he goes and my friend Rob Rob Cohen who you probably know had some kettle corn and he went want some kettle corn no thanks we all fell on I'm good but I loveone back into the thing yeah I love that Carnival that Tom weights uhuh kind of like you know one step above a donkey show yeah uh What What In quit Show Business yeah exactly I love but I love that a and so we we developed this show that's sort of like it's as if you saw a show out of Carnival right and uh and uh or a show of Carney yeah show of Carneys and I'm doing characters for the first time in my life uh really you're loving it it's so fun it's so fun uh yeah I I'm gonna I don't do myself at all in this year the one you saw I was still doing myself now I host the whole thing is this uh is this one character named cap de Haven who runs the carnival and cap I was in the I was in the I was in the service I did my time for my country by by being in the service I mean I was a subject for the CIA a test site where they were gauging the effects of sleep deprivation on people who were subsisting only on rum drinks is that sort of thing um Jamie can't stop saying after going to Carville piece of [ __ ] Jimmy too Jimmy who was working outside we love that piece of [ __ ] he was running the camera and we sometimes we just look at each other and we go oh I'm a piece of [ __ ] oh yeah from clown Town yeah these weird clowns and uh yeah this the next one we're doing there's a big uh there's a big face off of three uh three mind readers uh mine uh and then the two guys that are the clowns there's a they have a Kim Smith Mindbender and Clorox the world's only albino hermaphrodite mind reader and cuz it wasn't enough to be a mind reader yeah no he it's but he will smell your past or your future but it's completely ridiculous and you know what it is is again it was just like it's just something that I never it was so completely out of my comfort zone as a performer but I always loved like I my comedy like my comedy God you know I think Carin was Carlin always was Carlin um just because his although I can't I could never do what he did the way he did it right um he was sort of like that was the those were the that was the field I was tilling and I loved but also at the same time I loved PeeWee Herman right and and that stuff that just had was just pure fun right and didn't have any like agenda or angst to it or The Angst was cartoon angst um and uh you know I'm at a I'm at a at a point in in my life where I you know my my personal angst is is fairly contained and you know I I really just wanted to have I love having another character that you can just stuff that I write that I can't do like that you it can just live on in these other characters it's just really fun um and uh and Dave and I uh Dave and I are having a a lot of fun doing it well speaking of Dave same birthday also Dave and I really M what are the odds August 24th I was just going to say happy belated birthday thank you so much uh Dave kekan was here and we do we're doing a thing on the show where we ask uh he's a right bastard a series of five questions he is a right bastard a series of five questions this or that they're written specifically for the guest by the audience uhhuh and we gave it a name which was a tweet five because we were having people submit them through Twitter and then Dave offered up this for the tweet that face it's that face at the end that really brings it all together and and utterly Fearless the most Fearless performer I think I've ever seen utterly Fe I mean I really um it's you know I I really did go like you know what is the thing that I'm the most afraid of doing and who is the person that I would be the most afraid to do it with improvise on stage with Dave K yeah and that's what we're doing that's why I he's a Jedi cuz you saw me that night and I was a wreck I was like I'm going to come out as a character I know it's going to work or not yeah you apologizing it for 10 solid minutes before it happened yeah it was pretty sad and then you went on and have the time of your life it was great this one had written to you from from the Facebook actually from Eddie nun this T5 designed specifically for you sir it's a this or that Coco Pepsi no cor answer here we go ready right Ben Stiller show Mr show uh oh God see these are all Sophie's Choice my friend Okay you Okay I I will Mr shop yes Homer or Mr Burns Mr Burns Paton oswal to paof Tomkins Pat no oh that's that's that's horrible horrible you're really quick with that one yeah no I'll give you I can tell you why all of them I I tell you why all of it's the same thing we're going to get that best for comedy depression or anger anger Boston or San Francisco San Francisco also the correct answer uh W you want to justify that Paton Oswald now so that paulf doesn't come in from the other room he's just outside he was just outside well it was the same it's the same answer as the Mr show answerer right um you know I'm assuming it's who would you most likely which would you rather watch and I didn't work on Mr Show I did work on the Ben Stiller show right so I can enjoy I can enjoy it more objectively because when I was to Ben stilla show I'm either pissed off that I wasn't in the sketch or oh my God I remember that day I had I was covered in ants you know so it's like that and it's the same with Paul and patton Paul is one of those guys that I I consider uh uh I mean they're both my peers but Paul is somebody that it's sort of like I better get to this before you do because I I feel that we're you know we're we shop at the same store right in a good I say that in a good way sure they're both amazing and Patton's a little more unique oh yeah they're both extraordinary yeah and lovely people Paul I'm sorry no not even to justify and yet one of them is my enemy one of them is the next Hitler it's up to you you know who else is speaking of Eddie petone is also one of those people I don't know if you've had Eddie on the show or I haven't he is he is one of those guys that's just like and you made me think of that because one day he had a tweet was a wasn't paying attention and accidentally killed a house painter but I might have prevented another Hitler oh nice that's very nice I may just have prevented another Hitler that's what it was that's pretty sweet and spectacular he performed that night at the carne bille I believe yes he did other years my parents have 18 photo albums of pictures of me failing 18 photo albums full uh let's talk about uh Dana gold the actor summer George one of the three jobs I got from auditioning three yes in my career is a story of a wonderful acting uh job I did I got the job because I wrote the show produced it built some cameras from scratch you know funded it uh but uh it was uh the summer George was Jerry's childhood friend on Seinfeld from summer vacation and uh I went in and audition for it and uh a really good friend of mine was also auditioning for it who did you audition for uh Jerry and uh Jeff Schaefer and Alec Berg and and other people and uh and I got it which was through me for a loop how many auditions had you been on prior to them a ton a millions and I still go out on them and I just I don't have the machine that can get a job from an audition I still go because I'm a good have a work ethic and I go but it's you know it's always just like I've discussed on the show how there it's actually um it's designed in complete contrast to the result yeah it has nothing to do with the job you're going to do no worse worse than that the confidence that I want you to have as an actor when I hire you you couldn't possibly have during the audition right the difference between an offer Please do this and how that makes you feel as a performer to please Comm in and prove to me that you deserve this yes those are polar offics yeah and and having been on both sides because again the only way I act is when I write it produce it direct right um uh it's so much about getting a sense of who the person is David Lynch just meets with you and talks to you right and gets a sense of who you are right and I think that's all you you need to do and and and you know I did a pilot last year where um that I wrote and starred in and produced and built the cameras rented it was ABC Warner Brothers big budget pilot the the premise of the pilot was what if my dad had to move in with my wife and our children um and uh Brian Denny he played my father and uh uh trailer Howard uh played my wife and I played me and uh I fired me halfway through it and replaced myself with the better actor no um and we couldn't find uh the woman to play my wife and we I wanted I wrote it for Rachel Harris who was was a no-brainer but she was not available unfortunately and literally we saw aund and and and eventually it's just like well just get anyone get anyone and then uh trailer Howard from monk came in and it was just like Oh Where Have You Been yeah why weren she was doing something else you know but it was literally it had nothing to do with her read she she walked in and said hello and we're like oh okay yeah you can do it it it has nothing to nothing that she did during the scenes told me that she was the person to do it it's just you get a sense of who they are yeah you know and and with me the way I look at it now is like people know who I am they know what my what my areaa of expertise is just do it or or don't but you know I don't want to come in I'm not going to come in for like two Jag don't it's like why anybody you know why what's the point I'm not sure Jag was the character I think that was the name of the show those initial I hope it was him why I did it you know that's like dear Die Hard do you know Mad Max that was The Simpsons joke I wrote about that Homer would was writing fan letters to movies quote that all the time oh that was my joke that's funny I'm in Show Business she uh quotes the show non-stop as does Sam LaVine um he writes fan letters to actual movies that's the episode with the Shifty eyed dog yes yes um there was a time when you decided or someone decided for you that you should pursue you should focus more on the writing yes I got a good look at my right profile and thought I have no good side good side yeah it doesn't matter where you put the camera yeah there's no yeah I looked at 400 photos of me looking for one good photo and finally I hit me it's me I'm not a good-looking man um I yeah um you know the comedy I was I had I did all that and I did a sitcom I finally got on the cast of a sitcom uh you know all you know I assumed in all my arrogance I was going to be a big comedy star sure as did I Everybody by the way you know everybody told me and they all had better cars than I did they should know right you know yeah when Seinfeld says you're going to have your own show you think well that's Yer of course I'm going to have my own show yeah and way he told both of us that yes um and then uh and I you know and and then you just like and I finally got on a show and it was it wasn't I was not allowed to be funny in the way that I'm funny it was not it was not it was a Fred here he talked about it okay it was a dysfunctional situation working was the name of the show Fred Savage if only it were it's still yeah greatest guy ever by the way oh my goodness yeah talk about like people like child stars are crazy and I was like have you met Fred Savage yeah he's the most he's more normal than I am yeah um which isn't a big compliment but uh and I just found it really dissatisfying and at the same time I was writing you know I I wrote a I was so bored while I was acting I wrote a show for MTV that I did in the summer of that first show called super adventure team which was basically the movie Team America about nine years before the movie Team America Marinette yeah Thunderbirds Thunderbirds uh and I just and I realized that you know and then then I wrote it yeah I'm telling the story out of context out my favorite part I'm telling uh the story out of here's the the nutshell version before I got on that show I wrote I I had had several pilot deals you know you you've had a million of them I've had a million of them we'd like you to start on a show come in we'll hook you up with a writer they'll develop a show and as I've said ad nauseum over the years I've had my hand and more failed Pilots than an Air Force proctologist um and uh and I wrote one for myself right in 1995 mhm uh called World on a String that was basically Seinfeld meets peewee's Playhouse it was like that kind of show in a hyper reality and in the pilot I had a very small decision to make should I give my friend my sexy across the- Hall friend who I have a platonic relationship a birthday party of course I should even though she really doesn't want one uhhuh and uh my friend played by her first job I think in La patet Brewster wow um and uh and then Kevin McDonald from the Kids in the Hall uh shows up uh and takes me into the future and shows me that if I don't give her the party that she doesn't want I will end up homeless in six months and and I'm living in a dumpster eating a cat um and it would get made and it was great and it was funny and it didn't go but what I found is I really enjoyed writing it more than acting in it right the writing it was the fun part and uh and then I said all right you know what I'll I'll just write and I'll do standup and and that's a great career uh and then literally like will you audition for the sitcom I was like you know I don't need it I'm I'm good I get a deal to write a script I'll do that the director is a friend you really want you to to go it was Jamie widows um uh and I said okay all right I love I love Jamie I'll go in and because I didn't care that's when you get the job I got the job yeah uh and uh and it only cemented my belief that the writing part was fun and the acting part wasn't and I was literally that show was uh when I came to call jetpack acting where I was I was described in the LA times as an underused third banana that's got to be the name of the book yeah and it was literally like it would be a long story and then like I would just like pop up out of nowh who's the new girl literally that was one scene where like they're talking and there's a guy that and and it was just like you know it it was just I remember one week oh God one week I was a my character was a Mena genius sure and the next week I literally did not know how a phone worked my my no character assassination the phone is ringing and I'm like looking around my desk for what's making the noise but like but last week I was in a to me you you are making this you're too smart Dan don't you understand the character is too smart that he doesn't have time to figure out what the where the phone might be but that was my fault for what I know now for not saying no now is it anywhere near this time that George Meer invites You by The Simpsons to punch up jokes it's right then yeah yeah it's right then that's exactly what happened like that crazy time I bought right when you got sick and tired of it yeah it was for George Myers said hey do you want to come punch up jokes to he was a fan of your standup yeah he was a big fan of UN Cabaret right he was a big fan of uncabaret uh and um they were looking for someone to punch up jokes on a weekly basis yeah just once a week Tuesdays and look at scripts and and punch these jokes yeah just come in and work and and I a great job by the way for a comedian terrifying at first and Tim as a [ __ ] and that's what I want to talk about because you feel like Billy Preston when he walks into the let be session I guess I'll play with you guys also you're walking in and like wow these guys are good congratulations since you graduated from Harvard yeah yeah yeah you graduated you graduated from Harvard the you show up I've got some jokes yeah well that that stayed the seven years because I was very much like we all went to Harvard Lampoon and he's a Carney well yeah yeah I mean it's an amazing conveyor belt system that they literally pluck them here's your diploma oh and a contract from the yeah and then and yeah but at uh when I was hired U Mike Scully uh who ran the show with George Meyer and they really did make a a an attempt to break that up and to put in people with different skill sets um you know and because I came out of standup I knew how to just write hard jokes you know Mike Scully wasn't a Harvard guy either George was right together they were able they do they could it's like it's like Dave Kar and I yeah we have different strengths um and uh and so know and and that you know it's like so I just stayed there for seven or eight seven years well let's talk about how wildly it's one thing as a overview gained a lot of weight chapter title how I [ __ ] myself the first time I showed up there yeah but first of all that writer's room I think the rest of us are insanely curious about because as part of your dossier showed um you at one point said we have to understand because it's an animated show there's no set for us to go down and have a run through it's just riders in a room for amount of hours every day yeah you know the footage you know the famous photo of Obama and the cabinet watching ra on yeah SEAL Team Six it's that all day but you're trying to figure out a good joke with a word cargo pants in it you know it's just sitting in that room at that table with just staring at a TV but it has the script on it there's a TV on a stand and I literally think they still have a TV on a stand I don't even think they have a flat screen still right of course cuz fox has no fox has no creative control over the show at all Jim Brooks's deal is here's the show I'll give you the show you press play that's it and it drives them insane because they can't [ __ ] with it by the way you just reminded me of something I just have to make a note of it instead of interjecting with by plums James El Brooks Will Be Our Guest here next Sunday oh I'm going to need a question from you for him what was it about me that caused you to hate that was the question thank you um okay so so his deal was press play we're going to give you the show yeah so and there was a great and well you can ask him about this and it's a you know there was a time when uh Midway through the show I think it was Sandy guaw left the network and then he came back and then uh they thought that they'd retest the show just put it into testing again to see what people think after it had been on this is like season 20 just because it's just like we have to they can't not do it and Jim this is you have to ask him the real version because I only know what trickle down uh but supposedly Jim said well that's great you can absolutely test it and and get all your information uh basically I love the show and I think it's funny and when I think it's not funny anymore I'll stop making it yeah and they were like that's good for that's good too but it is that you know it is that you know the old saying about uh communism uh you probe with a Chinese communism you probe with a Bayonet if you encounter straw proceed if you encounter steel withdraw they are actually very conflict diverse uh and uh that is that's true and and that's sort of how Fox was can we [ __ ] with you here no okay we're just trying we'll come back in a week but but because they can't creatively I mean you have to you can't say [ __ ] stuff but the standards and practices notes obviously but because as to what's funny cuz the Network's ability and forgive me those of you watch and listen with any sort of regularity the Network's ability to find the center of why something's funny and works their santti ability to find the Apex it's amazing as to where to add the water is uncanny it's uncanny and it's what they do best I will quote another Simpsons writer David mkin please and and to prove that that's true I'm wearing a David mkin now in case Diane Sawyer is wearing one it's stuck to her forehead um he said uh and and to prove this is true what's amazing about network television is As on the business side of television as the number of executives whose job is to help the show as that number has doubled what they've managed to do viewership is down by a half I see so you've got the more people that are in comedy writers helping the less people watch this yeah interesting um graph but they can't since they can't [ __ ] with the show that way they'll find any way to [ __ ] with it and one day Mike Scully you know you know every day at 3 you walk in in the morning you have have a lunch order and then you lunch comes at 1: you eat from 1 to 2:15 and then this is what the show is like and then you're back and then 3:00 they do a Starbucks Jamba Juice run and then if it's late if it goes late which is rare they're pretty good and they've got it down get a pizza no big fancy dinners we're not like these you know right we're going out to The Tavern on the Green they're going to fly it in we get a pizza all right it's also 1980 right no that well it's another it's a story it's not I won't B with it but he get might get a call and this is you know season 17 from the front office of fox you can't have pizza and Jamba Juice on the same day like and Mike I think Mike said you're calling from a building the show paid for you're calling from the new building that's because of us and he you know Mike was great he goes well I can't keep the people late I can't make the to I can't keep the people late and not feed him and I can't make the order if I can't keep them late so if you want to call upstairs and get them to knock the order down to 20 shows this season awesome yeah last year heard um but we're done with these calls yeah but no they keep trying because it's their job right you know uh that that first script assignment cuz you went from joke puncher to right around the time according to the dossier that that job's tenure was ending um you uh were a fairly new parent parent I believe or a fairly new husband one of the two and they and that's when they said well how would you feel about coming in every day it was it was it was kind it was kind of like that yeah I had just become uh you know when I started the show I was uh I was a guy living with his girlfriend uh and I ended the show uh a married guy with two kids and still had the girlfriend yeah in Eno um always in in Ceno by the way the gumar is always in in Ceno she's always in in Cino in a luxury in a luxury Villa um no you know I grew I became an adult I left the show as a as a grown man I would put it that way and uh I did you know I I the comedy the second phase of the comedy boom had kind of withered away and it was you know like late 97 98 and comedy was really getting sparis I by that time like people don't understand like in 1998 well no it's 20 it's 2000 but you know I've been I was only 36 but I've been doing standup 18 years already right you know I was still a young man but I was already like Jesus an 18 year veteran I've been done this 20 [ __ ] years yeah um uh at mid-30s yeah and and so and I was just you know this was just a great Challenge and I didn't need I you know I didn't I'd gotten to a point in my life where I didn't need Strang to love me anymore uh and and I really enjoyed it but in terms of getting picked up I knew my contract was ending and nobody had said anything and I felt fairly confident I could use that to get a job someplace else yeah I could the hell of a calling card yeah I figured I could you know I could get on I made The Simpsons funnier anybody yeah I I I could get on um you know uh Heather's reasons why not or whatever one of those shows were one of the greatest shows ever by the way you know tin full of biscuits whatever they had going um there's Reon why not Veronica from the producers of she's the sheriff he's the transvesti uh Veronica snatch I actually think I met on Veronica's snch they're really nice people it was the original title of Veronica's Closet but uh and literally Mike Skully you know and this is a Terri this is writers hate this story because I know people that have like their dreams to write on the Simpson they've written 78 spec scripts they can't get anybody to read them I was literally sitting in the room and uh Mike Scully walked in and he said uh hey you know what you're I just looked your contract is up um I think your contract is up and I thought he was going to go you don't have to be here today if you don't want to or something like that and he literally said you just want to come every day and I said yeah and he was like great and then just and why I love Mike SK he just went sucker and walked out like that's genius yeah but that's why Mike's the greatest yeah because he doesn't Mike is the boss but he doesn't act like the boss which makes him the greatest boss ever makes him greatest boss ever yeah yeah Al jeene is also a great boss I don't mean to be giving Al short shrift well no of course not but so so but Al Mike hired me and Al fired no he didn't fire no he didn't no you fired yourself Mike Mike mik it was it was Mike hired me and uh you know he hired a guy that didn't go to Harvard that was just a comic you know for that team I mean that was a big vote of confidence that was that was put me a different level yeah yeah it did it put me in a different sort of level it was great and then getting that first script assignment the first time you're sitting in that writer's room where you went from joke punching to or were you doing joke punching in the writer's room with all the writers yeah okay first joke I ever yeah and it's and it's with George Meyer who is one of the legendary I mean he in the writer room of your show of shows I mean there's not a lot of there was a day where we were coming up with Homer fell off a roof and bounced off an awning onto another awning onto another awning and then he bounced onto a truck carrying a bunch of marshmallow fluff marshmallow fluff truck and then we're thinking okay what's the end of the joke two hours of like you know 12 people at the table watching Team Six like oh could the you know what if the truck I I remember there pictures like what if the truck goes off a cliff but lands on a train carrying marshmallow fluff or something and then all of those and people are just like and the weird thing about The Simpsons is there's no polite laughter if your joke sucks oh wow it's just I remember once i p i you know he he was the one that told mik that that originally brought me into the show but I pitched something to George he just I think it was because he's my friend that he felt comfortable doing this he just looked at me and he went yawn well that's why I I think if we weren't friends he wouldn't have done that he's not an [ __ ] by well but there's a part of that also that goes back it's like you're here now we're not going to [ __ ] it is I I keep using Beatles analogy it's like I no I'm not gonna you know it's like no it's you if you weren't good you wouldn't be here grow up right um but anyway we couldn't figure out this joke and then out of nowhere George just goes what if Homer lands on the marshmallow fluff and he's good and then after a bunch of scorpions come out from underneath the marshmallows and start stinging him and we're like yeah that was my next pitch you know he just bring he can just come up with stuff that you just makes you shudder he once said uh he was just sitting there and he went country Croc two words two lies not made in the country doesn't come in a Croc how do you compete with that you don't yeah just go home yeah uh and the first script yeah I wrot the first script the the the the they protect you a lot you know they really you know I'd written scripts before I'd written pilots and stuff and and and I you know it is it is funny I mean do you pitch them a great a billion ideas AO but a uh episode story and they say you go ahead and write the script because we're going to rewrite as a committee anyways no I kind of got a sense of that because I've been there long enough that I knew what you know it's basically you you work on a script that you've worked on for a month and they go terrific act one they just you know the your your stuff surviving is an is a rarity it's you write the script and they use that as a the reason this show is so good is because it's just refined every script is refined to the nth level right just like um and they have a great sort of uh story structure that they had there uh it's a threea show and oh it's four now but it was three at the time and and you know your your First Act is just a sketch that has nothing to do with the episode and then you start the story at the end of the First Act and the second act is is the story and for the third act you have to bend the story as hard as you possibly can without breaking it but the third act twist has to be as a strong twist as you can possibly do and I wanted to do a show based on my dad who um we uh my father started a hunting club of course he did in in our town I grew up in the the sticks of Massachusetts and and he and his friends there was this old barn and they converted it and they it became a private hunting club Club there was a lake that they stocked with fish and there was an archery range in the back and there was a it's still there it's called the the nipmuck Rod and Gun Club my dad I'll say um but if you go to narr gun club.com it is a vigorous gay porn site um vigorous yeah it is an elastic gayor well that would work um but uh but they found out that you know because it was a private club that they didn't eat a liquor license so there's a bar there that I grew up in you know that just I grew up in this bar watching my dad bartend and stuff um and I just like that story and I like I like the idea of Homer opening up his own bar in the in the house in the garage uh and they what's the name of the episode I know Homer as Mo Homer the mo the mo Homer the mo um and the uh the uh the the the sign for Homer's bar over the bar is the n MC Roden Gun Club sign um but and then all started with uh Mo going back to bartending school right to Bone up Jeremy's irons no who's the who's the based on George Plimpton the old Mentor when he goes back yes I'm dying Mo a George Meer joke a George Meer joke um yeah staring at the lake look at the lake the way the leaves fall on the lake I love how the water Sparkles so I'm dying Mo and then yeah and then Mo uh and then uh Homer takes over the and then and and Homer runs Mo and it it's great and he's so happy and then Mo comes back and and turns the bar into a high class Ian shreer type facility called M based on my experience of being in the men's room of the W Hotel in New York and not realizing I was in the men's room I walked into this room and it was just four white walls and a waterfall with a small trough and I I'm looking for the bathroom and within 7 Seconds A Guy Walks In starts pissing in the waterfall and somebody walks out of the wall it's like the stall doors were like there like cabinet doors that you press and it was a [ __ ] of style over function and um uh and I just thought that was really I really hate that and I thought I'll really yeah show make a meal on that yeah they'll have to redesign the hotel when I'm done and then uh and then and then and then we got to the third act and it was some they went on and then remm game you know it was and they went hunting it was pretty nuts but uh I think that was the that was the I think of the episodes that I wrote it was the funniest one I wrote I don't think it's not my favorite one it's not the best episode I wrote but I think it it just has the funniest stuff in it right yeah and moving up the food chain there as a writer I don't think you yeah well you don't just get a better title oh is that and fatter and is that an agent thing yeah like when I was co-executive producer I was doing the same thing I was doing as a supervisor really nothing changed not really you get some more responsibilities you know you get to direct a little there's a few more people in the room you get to call new kid yeah that's it new fish yeah and you get fatter and by that time you're fatter uhhuh that's you take care of that when you leave right yeah but it was you know it was It was a it was a wonderful place and uh I really uh I loved it but I felt after after seven years I was really I was a I didn't want to stay there my whole career my my manager Tom lelli said you don't want to stay there till it's too late because you just you don't want to be like the guy from The Simpsons that you know I'm a much bigger fan of me than I am of The Simpsons so I wanted to I I really had the itch after seven years and then kind of like I was like all right I want to do something again I'm getting a little getting a little crazy right and I really now is there part of you in the back of your mind thinking I could go back later and I know that have me and therefore I'm going to go out and no I couldn't go back I couldn't go back they would take me because of the way it functions yeah yeah I don't know I I honestly don't think they would they have the money and it's not that I get paid so much just don't think it it it's like that and it would be going back me going back to the Simpsons now would be like I had such a great time in high school I'd like to do my senior year again there's your movie the senior senior Jefferson hi as a new senior hello I feel good oh I forgot the needle scratch yeah right yeah yeah that's every movie you could do that trailer too Chandler's list the Nazis have taken over Germany and they hate the who I feel good um but the other thing that I'm leaving out is my wife has a much better job than I do and she makes enough money that I have the freedom to go I think I'm going to go I see you have the freedom to [ __ ] around a little bit well you sound like you you make it sound dirty I mean creatively yeah I don't have you know my wife my wife and two kids are not if I had a wife and two kids and my wife was home raising the kids I would be making random casual decision I'm not following my Bliss anymore I would I would still be there going what if Homer found a hat that's funny right but I did feel like I would I had done in the seventh season I really just could I couldn't think of an episode to do that seems like even though the show's been there 20 plus years seven years riding on any show yeah I mean it's a very natural cycle it feels like a cycle of time yeah seven years um and there's a reason it's not called the eight-year agch yeah well it's a seven-year AG I mean that it and and in fact the the ep the episode before the last one that I wrote uh which was the best one I wrote um I pitched something I my my children are from China my my our children are all um adopted from China and I pitched a bunch of weird things about like you know Homer becomes radiated or you know just and uh and and Al at the time said uh you know it would be great why don't you just do an episode about you know adopting a baby from China you know that that's the episode you should do and and I was like yeah yeah I'll do that didn't make any sense what but and that was the best obviously because it was so real just a really good episode um and that's a nice Alene story who I've given short shrift in this interview yes he knew yeah yeah and Al has the you know in my stories of The Simpsons um Al has the uh The Misfortune of Being the Jay Leno to a guy that grew up on Johnny Carson it's like well but Mike was my guy you know it's like he's the Roger Moore yeah you know no no knock on him it's just where I came into the picture right yeah he's a he's a really nice guy I like him a lot are you ready for another tweet five sir yes Q ker oh here we go I got to call him T that's the only reason we're doing is to remind you you have to call him now this by the way improvising on stage with him to turn and see his face it's terrifying but just like he's got it yeah what do you got I can't imagine and I've improvised with like Robin Williams and Jim Carrey I've been on stage improv with Robin's easier because you just stand there you read a book you just move back against the wall yeah I I this is just a cobs County Club in San Francisco improvising after a show with Jim Carrey and me and a bunch of people and we were playing freeze tag oh no and Jim goes freeze he comes and he goes I got nothing that's pretty fantastic pretty great yeah pretty Bal I got nothing I got nothing this one is from our our one of our original and bestest of friends uh here at the show Martha S at the at the the Twitter handle um Papa's Got a Brand New badge or goooo guy pan goooo guy pan is the episode that I was talking about you're referring to that's being your personal favorite based on my experience adopting my first daughter um but everything is everything is what you is from your life the goog guy pan is about my experiences in China adopting my first daughter the baby uh is designed on uh the first photo we were given of our daughter um and uh Papa's Got a Brand New badge is an earlier episode inspired by when we bought a house and we had to get you know westtech security like the first thing you do if you live in LA is like yes there are cops but you have to have your own comps you know and it's all but it's like you can trace back to where every episode I can tell you where I was in my life at that time it's amazing because they always mirror where you where you are at that time in your life ah the old right what you know it really is true and what I find interesting is even when you don't also it's what's aggravating you at the time it's what aggravating you at the time but even when you don't plan on it it still happen you can't help it yeah but that's the greatest thing about that's the joy that I get from writing that I don't that is different from standup is that the characters and the story starts to dictate itself right in in in a much more concentrated form than standup that's actually an Insight that those of you watching at home should jot down yes you if you're done [ __ ] yourself in awe and now speaking of pure joy on to question two of the Tweet five Michelle Bachman or Sarah Palin Michelle Bachman Sarah Palin one of those people although the new information about a previous trist with one of the NBA's better is that true have you not heard I don't know this one oh boy it went down a couple days ago when she was 22-year-old uh black or white African-American oh that's not going to go well with her fan base that's great for the Tea Party fan lot ofing that flag right now lot of people in their fan base they put the pillow in the pillow case and there's two holes in the pillow case perfectly F yeah it's kind of pointy on top the pillowcase oddly yeah um monster paloa or fangor is weekend of Horrors oh monster paloa Don nuts or hu Hower Don nuts I love to speing up L uh Larry talber as played by bichel Del Toro or Larry talber as played by l chany Jr uh Larry T is played by l chany Jr great story about that please Larry tbet for those of you who don't know is The Wolf Man gooo guy pan was written by Larry tbet because at the time goooo Gyan was airing we were getting ready to go to China to adopt our second daughter right Alice who today is home of temperature yeah um and there's it is a police state in China L we forget yeah and they do we had friends in China that were blogging and sending photos back and there was a photo of the baby in the washer tub the baby happened to be naked huh as babies want yeah they sent like six photos and the two of the naked babies somehow never made it out oh my God it's literally you know it's I was in the lobby talking from an email never made it out yeah cuz it's going through a server oh boy yeah no that's that's not censorship at all it's no it's it is censorship but they say we censor why why are you screaming at me it's just what I do it's like going to McDonald's and tell complaining that you're serving food it's it's Frenching the fries exactly I was in the lobby of the hotel with our sort of guide and I was saying we're talking about Nixon about how he's loved in China and I was talking about you know what is amazing in in America at the time he was incred incredibly uh at the end of his career he was still lived in China he was hated in America by that time and he's just he was literally like uhhuh yeah like just who's don't have they don't want to talk about politics right you know and you get a lot like before you go over like don't do not bring drugs do not bring pornography do not you will just you will go home your baby will not go home with you you know just like they are not fing around um and uh by the way what other two things would you bring when going to adopt a baby yeah other than drugs and porn Drugs porn what else is there Cheerios um but yeah I know what that H you got the baby but that is the thing it's like why are you telling me that's I they just say it because they don't want to be embarrassed but it's like you know they do sell it at the airport it is that impulse buy well I better get some airplanes and the new club you know might be like who I think David Cross has a bit of about that so I don't want to steal his bit but it's like who buys porn at the airport who buys porn at all anymore you can't keep it out of your computer it's like it's like leaves get these out of here so much porn everywhere the bathrooms are too small anyway yeah it's not it's yeah and that's no no one wants to go there uh but anyway so we were afraid that this episode was going to air and there's going to be something squirly you know they think we're making fun of the Chinese government of the police and so my wife just said just don't have your name on it and uh so it was written uh it was written by Larry talbat you're saying you gave screen credit to a fictional character is Larry talbat on that episode I think in the rerun it went back to my name but when it first aired it was written by lar to the kids are home kids are home we safe but we still we ended up going back for our third um but by that time uh it had aired but yeah no that's an interesting Larry tobet was The Wolf Man Who was my hero growing Who I Really your first goal according to the dossier my dossier your first goal uh was to be the wolf yeah I really and it's it's all been since psychologically explained to me Kevin there's two two my two biggest obsessions as a child were were explained to me one was my love of of the wolf man but a true a true connection I really did how at the moon at midnight I I really related to him mhm because I was raised Catholic and yet I was a normal human boy and so I would do things that I had no control over and then would be filled with shame the next day and the reason that Lan Cheney J's portrayal of the wolf man is so great as opposed to his other you know he he was amazing in the m and man and he's amazing in The Wolf Man and then a every other horror movies and it's kind of a yawn he really phoned it in on a lot of like playing Frank he didn't he played the Frankenstein monster but he didn't do anything with it in the way that Boris carof did um but the Wolfman really did he he was a a terrible alcoholic uh and I'm not talking out of school well documented uh but he really like he got it complet like he knew it and the Wolf Man is just basically The Wolf Man is the story of an alcoholic just like I don't know what did I do you know what who's dead yeah what's happening I got a headache there is that great scene in the in the in the in the remake of The Wolf Man with bonio Del Toro where he wakes up and he's just in a field covered with blood has no idea what happened in Anthony Hopkins is his dad and he goes you have done Terrible Things Larry and my brother when he uh gets really drunk uh on a like on a Friday night will call me on Saturday and go I've done Terrible Things Dana but but L what's amazing in the in the there's two great two things in the Wolfman that are really crazy um one in the first scene where he turns into the Wolfman he's sitting in a chair and he's in these khaki pants and a wife beater and he turns into the wolf man and then they cut to him out in the Moore and he's in dark shirt and dark pants I like that The Wolf Man changed and the other one is L Cheney J L Cheney Jr from I think from Cleveland uhhuh is the son of British uh is the son of a British to the manor born played by um Claude Reigns yeah this hello L hi a pop and sure is good to be back in England where I was raised by you you know it's really it's really a stretch the other my other childhood Obsession was plantet of the Apes which I'm first and I which I just was uh that was to me like what baseball is to kids I just something about Planet of the Apes just I couldn't get enough of it right and I was my shrink one said you know it makes perfect sense because you were raised in a houseful of Alcoholics monkeys and like Charlton Hesson in that movie The you were in a world that was turned upside down and I was like that and if you've ever seen it it's it's it's Moses dressed like Tarzan being chased by King Kong dressed like foni it's just the coolest thing ever you did not say that to your sh yeah I did it's a testament to the Gen you were talking about Tim Burton being a genius anybody who doubts Tim Burton is a genius Tim Burton made a movie where apes could talk and had weapons and ride horses and yet made it boring that's genius only a genius he made my second favorite movie of all time and Edward Scissors Hands uh Ed Wood oh Ed Wood yeah and then made a ghastly remake of my favorite movie of all time right my feelings of him are mixed he's like an ex-wife I love him and I hate him I love him and I hate him um you know what this feels like a show you should cut down to about four minutes it feels like it's time for who tweeted oh Crank It Up and you also wrote the lyrics to the song the president wor Pearl wor Pearl yeah I I want to talk about that please now is that Joseph Mona is he the host of who tweeted that's Sam LaVine oh of course yeah yeah yeah but it's not exactly it's me uh Jason what are you what if what's happening this my first time what's weird is we're we're also standing he's just that t he's a giant I just turn like this uh this is my first time uh hosting this game so so be gentle mle on your uh on your baby oh thank you so much thank you so be gentle with you be gentle I'm going to explain the game homemade store bought they're both good that's right yeah that's true they're all beautiful the only difference between my children and your children is that my children is holding more of your children's debt they'll do better at the sh when China comes to claim the country we're just going to point to our kids and go we work for them I don't know what you want yeah you're all so beautiful though a so I'll explain the rules who tweeted uhhuh please so I'm going to read a series of eight tweets written either by Tyra Tyra Banks Paris Hilton Justin Bieber ah so any each time I read that individual tweet you'll ring in by saying your name and who you think wrote it Tyra par and is this like Jeopardy where it's a race to see who rings in first or do we all yeah if you ring in first no whoever rings in first is the only one to answer okay yes if you get it wrong I don't get a shot I would recommend listening to the entire read the whole thing unlike a Jeopardy contestants who try to because it might end with I think that being a black woman that would give it away I'm going to read it flat I'm going to read it completely I think that being Justin Bieber and if you get it correct points yes incorrect negative3 points there's a penalty for incorrect answers Mister but if you win the game what do you got for us a double saw Buck what the double saw Buck seventh President Andrew Jackson also called Old Hickory I thought a double saw Buck was $30 nope a double saw Buck is a saw Buck is $10 the reason why they call it a saw Buck is because on the old $10 bill it had a an X for 10 and that resembled a uh the legs of a sawbuck that's why they call it double Sawbuck two there do you know that there is a where's the camera there is a hitchhiker there's a person hitchhiking on the back of the 20 if you look but you haven't smoked enough pot he must have got a ride that's an old old bar joke that's an old Art Carney joke bar joke but a goodie to keep them flattened and as leny JR would famously say when he would go into bars and towards the end of his life who wants to buy The Wolf Man a drink did he really people girls in high school used to call me wolf man because I was so hairy sure the old I think it's Jeff cesario's joke oh really I'm so hairy when I walk on the beach people go who called a cab Ah that's a joke about your people no yeah yeah yeah all right let's start this game yes please have you ever asked why do you hate us yeah all my best friends are Jews and other poems other poem all right tweet number one okay tweet tweet number one in bed watching Family Guy I love this show so hilarious Stewie is so funny and cute Dana Justin Bieber incorrect we don't have to celebrate it I was in bed with Justin Bieber when he tweeted yeah can you make this the next game should be can you make this tweet better who who uh who was that that was Paris Hilton see no one thinks she has a sense of humor just [ __ ] I'm surprised she knew how to spell guy number two tweet number two never Dole Your Shine for somebody else Jesus Kevin tyer Banks correct I was going to say Bieber again wow all right tweet number three tweet number three hasht don't text and drive hashone guard Dana Tyra again incorrect you're get celebrated get celebrated you're not supposed to celebrate and laugh when the guest gets it wrong you know that was U you my answer was racist by the way because don't text and drive is Oprah's big thing and I figured they must be friends because I think Oprah produces her show H is that why I think so because Oprah produces her show or because they're both funny women I also think it's interesting that Oprah probably has not driven a car in 40 years she's bigger than a car what uh and Justin what say what does say Justin doesn't drive that's ironic all right number four thinking about starting Christmas early like November I'm not even answering Kevin Bieber Kevin that is correct thank you for not celebrating oh you were destroy Canadians celebrate Christmas yeah right that's an American holiday they call it Gordy how day hockey fan loves that one no it's a Simpsons reference oh no it's a hockey reference no but it's also a Simpsons reference oh well I came from the same fruit from the same tree yes all right two we're both two for two that's the important part two for two negative and positive number five my fam tune in to Howard 110 minutes to hear me chat with Howard Stern about all things Dana Paris incorrect I think it's important to be consistent in life Robert Klein just watching the hat trick right there Dana that is the hat trick well I guess you guys are better at channeling idiots than I am who wrote that one that was Tyra Banks wow see now she would have been third because I don't picture her on Howard Howard Stern also I have not listened to more than 30 seconds of Howard Stern so how would the [ __ ] Paris was the GU because you would figure she would be like you know a guest on the Howard St show because she's a [ __ ] a this would be better if it was just like it was like uh it's either uh Wilfred Brimley Jimmy Carter or Nina Harley I'm ready that's good drove by Johnny wads old house shed AER Wilford Brimley oh that's fantastic keep going where are we I actually met Nina Harley she is sweet as a peach is she yeah she a lovely person I didn't even mean to make that sound dirty she's really really nice person that really enjoys stop seeming shocked no I'm not shocked at all but it's a I I I'm interrupting the game no no you know in San Francisco sure the Alex Bennett radio show The Comedians would go on you went on I now on serious in newor on Sirus who by the way Alex Bennett who predicted Sirius in like 1985 wow he really did he's very ahead of his time um I you meet a lot of porn stars because it's like they come and do the show and you're the comedian he had them on all the time yeah and you meet him and 99% of them are just like lizard sunning itself in a rock just like you know just nothing like it's daddy didn't hurt me daddy didn't me daddy didn't hurt me so hi Dad or uncle just curious um you know it's just a nothing there's no there there uh and then uh I did this show called uh porn stars and pundits uh sort of a talk uh show and uh it was me and her and she was incredibly engaged and and really incredibly smart and but not like I'm not surprised that she's smart but I'm she's very functional right she just I think she just loves [ __ ] I really do I think she just loves [ __ ] what a odd thing to say about a person that [ __ ] for Liv she loves her job yeah and isn't that what it's about at the end of the day if you love what you do you never work a day in your life app she woke up to that every morning and I and that was also said by the star of over 11 different gang bang videos that would be a great just like a thought balloon somebody jerking off 11 guys if you love what you do you'll never work a day in your life when I'm done with this I'm going to go apple picking with my sister let me just get a gallon of Goo off my face all right what were you saying Jason we let me let me dredge my clothes the way they scour The Grotto rocks of James KH oh man you know I live uh in Rody McDowell's old house speaking of Planet of the Apes uh someone's going to need a tour soon because she's been visited by the ghost of him lately yes he's very upset I know where he's not at my house why is he upset honey because a Planet of the Apes and uh fright night he's he's very upset I spoke with him we should have this an hour ago because now we can go a whole other place all right but I I will just say there was our pool there was so much genetic material SE in the swimming pool that we took some to a a lab did you yeah yeah and we are growing our own Tab Hunter we saw him the hi he's not done yet he's not done yet not done hairless and pale but I thought it would be great if at the end of the new Planet of the Apes if he still had like Rody's like Fay British voice like even though he wasn't like at the end he's like Cesar is home like he just don't have that like Shakespearean actor voice I'm sorry for no reason wait did you see the new one yeah thought it was I loved it actually I the minority here no no we haven't seen it it's great it's really good uh let me finish so I I'm sorry then I'll end up pulling up a chair and join number six at the dentist frownie SM frownies Kevin Bieber should I finish it nope you're wrong good well read the rest of the see if there's anything else that would be giving it away brutal way to start the day oh no not what I was You Waiting For Love Tyra just yeah that was yeah Paris Hilton at the dentist my crown was knocked Loose by the [ __ ] of a rich guy's kid Harris should we move on to number seven have you seen these posters around town apparently Jonah Hill is making a movie about David burkowitz working as a Bab babysitter I know what is that poster be more pedophile need a babysitter he really looks like David bwoods not anymore he's like he like 100 he looks like a shadow now he looks like a shadow David bur now he looks like David now oh no he's still alive isn't he yes Steven Tyler looks like Jim Morrison now a skeleton and a wig and a leather suit oh tweet number seven tweet number seven just landed back in LA yes now time to pack for my trips to Spain turkey India then ABA love to travel I never stop well I'm going to I'm going to take this one okay and lose I'm gonna say it's parison correct oh no W you totally [ __ ] up the curve we all thought you were going to say Bieber still in the minus though okay fortunately this last question makes no difference is worth 15 points okay yeah just make so you have a chance here we go shout out to at 50 cents and his sorc with Street King de feed over two million kids with the United Nations hash makea change congrats Kevin baver yes that was obvious that was the only he's very good friends with those they he has actually he has more cred in that Community than you would think ludicrous is on one of his big hits I think yeah I know that because when we were in China last summer getting our third daughter mhm my first and second daughter played the video on mom's iPad every minute and and of every day until you got to China then you were arrested no they played it every day and I would be in China and I look out you know just like I was we were in Jang XI province which is just in the summer it's very humid and rainy and gray and and uh and it just it was just so depressing in the other room when I was thir I had my first every if I hear that song now I just think Jang chy Jang chy thank you Jason and Dana congratulations sit down give me that um no the new ring McDow uh wait wait this not over yet I'm waiting Rond mcdown uh was I actually met him oh I got to hear this and uh he you well you know this I'm sure there is no one more beloved by people who knew him than him he was everybody's friend right and through the best parties had yeah at my house uh his bathroom is in the Hollywood history museum at the maxfactor building at Hollywood and Vine because the walls were just filled with pictures of like Harrison Ford and Betty Davis was just snapshots in a little frame on the wall um and we actually had to go there and photograph it because we needed to match the tile because when we oh my God bought the house that room had just been they just threw drywall up and painted it but everything else was tile and um and the the bathroom Paul Rubin actually was the one when he passed away there was like we have to save the bathroom and it had like on the back of the door was a framed letter from Fox apologizing to him for submitting him in the best actor category for Cleopatra instead of Best Supporting Actor category which [ __ ] up his chances of a nomination and they actually wrote a letter apologize for in a frame good luck that happening yeah now it was like [ __ ] you yeah thanks for cashing the check we sent you dick um and uh he you know he just everybody loved him and and I you know I I met him and uh my my he had one of the statues from Battle for the plan out of the Apes in his back in in the backyard just a giant thing of Caesar yes okay so you're that vers in it you're that vers in it you know that it would be Caesar from Battle I don't I don't know the your ape temperature I just took a stab oh yeah it was he was Caesar and there's a statue of Caesar from battlef the Planet of the Apes in that was in the backyard that is now in the Screen Actors Guild retirement home wow in the Rose Garden the guy that restored that statue for him was a friend of mine and I met him at his house and there's a and he owns the lawgiver statue from the original like the 9- foot statue of like the ape God from the original 1968 movie and uh there's a picture of he and I standing in front of it like it's that now hangs in his house that I live in now it's really weird that is really weird and I have a and I have that statue in the yard not the original but one from the mold when the ladies come over that's the deal closer perhaps you'd like to see the lawgiver statue zip zip shame zip flop shame honey honey now my wife is a very good sport and letting me have that we were looking at the house right and it was too big for us but we knew we were about to start a family and we thought well it won't be too big for us in 5 years uh and if we're careful with our money we can do it but we were on the fence right and then the guy goes yeah no it used to be a famous actor lived here uh I don't know if you've ever heard of him Ry McDow and my wife I could feel my wife just go and there you were with your checkbook that was the end of it how much is it yeah how much now that was the end of it but he if his ghost is out there it's not in that house CU there's just like not a a a weird vibe in it and we lived in a house that had a creepy Vibe did you before yeah what kind of creepy Vibe just I don't know you know and I I don't know I don't you know you watch Liberty ghost stories I love yeah of course and I don't it's it's just a you know we had we lived right behind the Chateau Marmont and this very it might have just been the design of the house was very vertical and angular but it just had a there was a creepiness to it just like an unsettling vibe in the house um and uh this nothing can't conjure no I was in there when they were renovate again and it was just like no power it was just those tarps like it and I midnight no electricity no doors or Windows perfect opportunity to be spooked yeah nothing couldn't even get couldn't get nothing out of me couldn't get nothing out of me yeah no I I I like ghosts the president wore pearls sir could I sing it uh yeah that was uh that was uh Lisa it was a parody of aita right and uh one of Jamie's favorites oh good yes I had to watch aita a lot and then uh and then uh I wrote those songs I don't even the song that was good was the uh sort of the the version of the like getting prepped and rainbow high is the name of the song fromita so it was the parody of that right yeah rainbow high yes that's the I KN I think the parody is called Springfield High see mm I couldn't sing it for you no Jimmy could I can sing the Andrew Lo Weber version I don't if you start this Andrew Weber version I might know what it I'm not gonna s on there speak speak no get Emily in here speak again now you haven't seen the new Apes movie no I want go to the movies I want to go see don't you go to the everything the Motion Pictures you're talking about yeah do you not go to the movies yes I do there are certain ones that escape me and I'm very upset about it you know where I took my kids to see uh uh plan Apes please my kids who are too young to see it uh the drive-in I read that you and your wife and family frequently they drive- in near you I need to know where this Drive-In is there is a fantastic Drive-In in Montclair which is 40 minutes east just by Pasadena by ironically Claremont hello and uh it is a state-of-the-art beautiful we used to go in the 90s ironically and now you go sincerely yeah well it was shitty it was really run down and and and they'd run old like you know just about out of the theater stuff but we go but now it's completely spruced up and how about the old piece of [ __ ] speakers put on car radio it comes out your car radio but it's great when you have kids it comes out of your car radio yeah you just tune what you know there's four screens it's four screens there's a big snack bar there and then screen here screen there screen the screen there and uh you go where where you going uh PL of thees all right uh screen four 580 turn into 580 yeah fm986 and uh and it's and what's great it's with kids like we all so other than the exhaust from all the cars having to be no they're not just the poers on but uh no we like we went to see uh the cars are on as it's hot yeah you half the audience dies because of the because of the ex still but we went to see uh Mr poppers Penguins I'll say if you know what I'm saying but we you know it was great because we actually get to talk popping a penguin now I'm totally popping a penguin over this video um uh but we you know if you can actually talk too right because it's you're not in a theater you can if you if you're husband and wife team with a lot of kids and two careers it's a nice time to catch up that's the place you go yeah what was that thing we used to do with our genitals that was so great P must be um about writing movies you once said writing screenplays is hard but not as hard as getting the job in the first place it's easier to meet chicks wearing an ask me about genital warts t-shirt yes that's pretty great yes uh how does the pitch process go for you when you go I know you talked about television a little bit but you've also pitch obviously many times for the motion pictures as well it it's well pitching a movie and and especially now it's so brutal um you have to tell them the whole movie and solve and anticipate the questions that they'll have about the movie and keep it entertaining and do it in 10 minutes right and that's impossible really a skill you have to learn right you know and the first time I did it I thought I'm a Storyteller this is a no brutal 25 minutes your 10 minutes turning and the guy uh the the studio executive who will go nameless was incredibly kind uh and is is still a very good friend of ours but he said I I would have liked the pitch a little shorter but I like what I did get the job but he was like I would have liked the pitch a little shorter but what an elegant what an elegant way of saying learn how to do your job but uh yeah no it's it's it's brutal and it's but it's harder to get a movie made now it's really it's you know uh it's just the way budgets are it's it's impossible yeah it's it's impossible literally yeah all when you wrote and directed The Comedy short film soulmates yes did you get the directing bug at all did it not take hold you know what it did is it showed me that I don't want to do it I see um I just don't what is it you hate no I I don't hate any of it I had a blast but I'm just you feel inadequate I'm not good at it you know the the the movie was really directed by the DP uh uh Victor who like with all these shots he was like um maybe uh we start there and then we'll come up on that I was like oh yeah yeah that's good but in my head I love to write them I I love writing them it's so fulfilling um and and uh and editing I actually enjoy but uh just the the well the editing is great because it's the final rewrite and as a writer yeah and just and just when you cut to a reaction instead of staying on this Focus you can you can really make a movie um but the directing is that's the hard slog that's the you know that's like you know being a being in the Infantry just getting all the covers necessary getting all the yeah hard I'm a you know yeah Ben Stiller is is I I don't know anyone who works half as hard as he does he was like I was like I thought I was going to be a big movie star and then I met Ben Stiller long before he was a movie star and I was like oh well I can probably make a nice living you know he's just like he's just nobody he's so focused and he knows exactly there's a laser beam that takes place at some point it's just like it's just something you can it's you know like being it's like being a tennis pro it's like you just you were either born to do that you know or not really I mean like he I mean that it's a life devotion yeah and it's just it has to be something that you really have a proclivity to do and a drive to do right you know I could be a shitty one but we've got enough of those yeah as it turns out yeah this I I would here's what I would say I would always feel like there was a somebody better than me that could be doing it I don't feel like that when I'm writing right oh well that's great that's actually pretty fantastic in terms of not that there aren't better writers than me but that in terms of no one will get my take on this well the business is hard enough life is hard enough so why don't you go ahead and find out by a certain age what you enjoy and what you feel like you can Thrive most doing yeah yeah I don't want to you know there's a there there are enough people out there that want to do that yeah they don't maybe I'll do it yeah you know that's how sort of how I felt about being uh raising children the real yeah no that's completely legit that's completely legit you know don't have that chromosome inside of me that is screaming and yelling I've got to raise children I must and I thought there's more than enough people out there that are kind of half asking it do I want to be one of them did you have what you would call a happy childhood yeah that's probably a big part of that because I know a lot of I know a lot of Parenthood the the the the the one of the great joys of it is correcting yeah yeah it's true and it is it's weird to go the other way I'm going to have children so that I can [ __ ] it up yes I I had it so good I need to destroy somebody visit it on you yes but no I think that's completely uh that makes perfect sense it's like no that that job has been done correctly and with with uh with uh with me I'm very I there's no the only resemblance between the way I parent my kids and the way my father parented us is that I look like my and outside of that there's nothing yeah it's very different yeah I would think so yeah um did you enjoy was the first season of par wreck that you yeah I came in well the second season the First full season I was hired um to just sort of you know it's interesting about that show is they everything for my money yeah but they didn't really they didn't have that at first they that show was allowed to find itself yeah where Mo show you know and I'm that's not a knock on the show at all Seinfeld Seinfeld didn't really find itself until about '94 I think they'll say that you know was not the same show when it started um and that really found its own sort of GrooVe it's a it's a it's a it's an amazing uh it's amazing show more interesting than most you know it used to be that like the the TV was the in the ghetto and the movies was the the rich neighborhood but the I find the most interesting comedies and the most compelling dramas are all on television yeah very little you know you know it's so true unless your name is Iron Man um well Steve Iron Man Steve Steve Iron Man car detailing Ironman I'm Steve Ironman what about Superman who could who could lease a tall building in a single call Steve Superman I'm Eric Spider-Man all the superheroes are Jewish um I like this a lot now I I July you at the Denver Comedy Works yes yeah uh I like that you're going out and and and you're able to talk about how having kids you know used to be a standup without kids and you did and in fact um this was kind of shown to you here's some standup special of yours that you did that you used to uh uh piss and moan over people about having children and uh you had to say uh uh what is it about guys who are more than 100 lb overweight that always wear t-shirts with Furious Eagles clinging to the flag you notice this at Disneyland it's like they wrap themselves in patriotism because nothing else fits I would have never had jokes like that without my kids yes because if you found yourself at Disneyland yes yeah and it just it it does the the you know if if for nothing else they help your act well you know believe me over the years when I've thought about parenting it was purely for the ACT 30 minutes you a whole 30 chunk no it uh you know it opens a completely new world and yeah it's all about life experience to begin with any but which is not yeah it is it is a it's a it's um it's it's it's amazing and it's also um because our kids are so Savvy you know growing up Mom Mom and Dad are in Show Business they're in La you know they have it pretty good um it's funny you know because it's they're using phras like at disne L the kids saying look at the great unwashed how savvy are how savvy are these kids no they're not they're Savvy and and just like with us they're they're more like there's we pal around I can like you know you can kind of P around with them MH you know which may be a bad thing for a parent but like we were on we were flying back from H uh uh Hawaii our summer vacation and my my 9-year-old is sitting on the other side of the plane and the movie starts and it's Water for Elephants which I've never seen my I see my 9-year-old get up walk walk down and she walks up to me and she goes dad is this appropriate W this movie yeah like it's a Renee zelger circus movie how how bad can it be turns out very bad but uh but I said well it's on the plane I don't think it's going to mess you up that much if they're if they're able to show it I hadn't seen it but I just thought it was just she's she's like they know what to ask her that's really funny it would be even greater if she was asking because she knew zeld Wier was in the film is this what you want my pallet mudded with Dad do you really want to see this the first post divorce movie I don't think it's a good choice no and now they're doing they're in this little thing where they're doing Greece in their little theater thing and uh and I the kids yeah and I said well I guess you should watch gree and uh we watched Greece which I'd never seen it's filthy Greece is filthy the ly the lyrics especially for grease lightning are pretty filthy and it's all about horny chicks with buns in the oven in sexual situations they have like cuz I remember like if you would do it in high school there's a watered down version where it's I'm hoping that's when they do no definitely and I had to explain to them that uh Tony Rizzo is Tracy turn blatt's mom from Hairspray and that was not an easy thing to do John Travolta is you know it's it's like yes he was he is both a skinny guy and a fat woman listen and then he was Tracy turn blad's mom in Hairspray um my friend I would hate it if they went into Show Business oh really yeah my hope is they're Asian they live New UCLA they'll end up working in a hospital that's my that's what I figure that's that's what you figure yeah uhuh I've got them on a good track even a vet you know this is a I don't want to I don't want to keep you butt I don't want to keep you but my dog uh-huh had brain surgery I'll say this summer well he had it coming yeah he's now he meows no we had it we had he was meowing that's why you had the brain Sur we have a dog he had a brain he had started having seizures I take him in there's a tumor but it's on the surface of the brain it's not in the brain we can actually get it very easily it's and it's like when you hear brain surgery you don't it's not like people it's dog's brain they bounce back she'll be home in three days and might shaved her head they cut her brain he's using none of it no it is over the speech center it he's not using it's fine but I I thought who goes to school to become a brain surgeon and stops at dogs it's like climbing to within a few feet of the top of a mountain it's like one of the world's great ukulele players just take the extra step you know what want to go all the way to the human brain yeah no no no no that's tricky no money in that nope I can get German Shepherds to say huh yeah and I was explaining to this homeless guy how expensive it is and uh he was so into himself all right go back to finding your Peach Pit in the dumpster no one cares about me um oh God this made me laugh too holy crap this made me laugh the myth of a fair universe is the wishful thinking of a PE of a people struggling to justify their belief and a god they know isn't real life is cruel and we're alone who wants chocolate milk no where did I say about raising kids and how that'ss that's either a quote from me or Louis CK that's a similar line um he has uh he has something not too disimilar that's why I hope I didn't steal it um uh yeah you know uh I was just saying I was talking to a friend of mine last night who's uh you know I'm not like a committed atheist I it might be something but they don't they don't help whoever they don't help and this woman her husband had an affair with a woman they interceded they saved the marriage but a year goes later goes by and she founds out that he's been keeping the affair going actually has a split life it's like half you know and he literally was like living a dual life yeah and flipped out just couldn't take the Duality or whatever whatever the schizophrenia of it and just crashed and this woman who says like well I just feel that God can save him and here's when to go children are born with cancer yeah if God could save anybody yeah he would wouldn't try to douchebag husband to keep his dick in his pants if God has a schedule yeah and 17 assistants you're not on the agenda yeah exactly did you see the plane crashing into the stands at the air show if God could scoot stuff around yeah you know it's just like it just the narcissism and it's the people that think that the Earth will end during their life the same thing been here billions of years but while I'm here I don't mind praying but call it what it is muttering your want list to an invisible giant and that my friend brings us to the Larry King game um I can't than enough honest to goodness man who put me in the hospital yeah yes oh that's right we didn't let's tell the story first and then we'll do Larry King very briefly early on uh in the mid 90s I think you were doing um a a Larry King riff I had a like a a seven minute bit about Larry King's show where the based on the premise of the more important the first guest the worst the second guest was tonight's guest Soviet you know former Soviet dissident Alexander szenen and she has one eye and likes crackers Sandy Duncan and then and then it just you know it went you know it went you know a uh you know architect of the Civil Rights Movement byard Rustin also copper um and yeah cumulo nimbus clouds and Mickey dolins you know I just uh and but I would do this every night for two shows a night for seven minutes for seven minutes of stretch and I blistered my vocal cord literally yeah literally blistered my vocal cord Randy schnitman the Randy schn the Randy schnitman the do Randy yeah I'm sure you know who he is nope oh my God he's the Beverly Hills right PL uh Beverly Hills throat doctor that everybody go it's like literally you go into his I think I know him because I think he came to a show I was doing where I was losing my voice and they said we're going to get someone who's going to put a a shot in your ass and you're going to be that's Randy that's r no I've literally gone into his office and sat next to Neil Diamond uh and he what are you in for a kid yeah he's he was uh a and he's so show business plugged in I was talking about did you see I said uh I think it was uh Anchorman he like you see Anchor Man oh my God is that funny he goes yeah that came up a lot too it was long the first cut was really long my God but I think he's like he's credited in the movie and like he's he's great and he basically saved my career he did a surgery and uh and cut it off my voice came back completely that is pretty astounding he did it twice actually twice had to do it to the point so good is he that you can now do Larry King without fear I don't do it as well no I would never do it that I was doing it the way I did it then now I've actually learned how to use my voice I do it up in my nose there you go same thing but get it out of there put it up there you know this I'm sure yes barely um all right the premise again I want to bad Larry King it's already there up in your nose and then I want that moment where Larry shares something about himself right before he goes to commercial right before he goes to the phone rather and when you go to the phone with the name of the city is funny sounding it helps this of course is Larry sharing stuff about himself not about you but actually be Larry so am I gonna do this cold or you going to do one you're going to do it cold it's it's improvised all right uh which we've proven already today you have uh a history and a and a fondness for and you can go back to prehistoric times when Larry was you know a bus boy at the original brosaurus uh Diner all the way up to why he has 17 wives I mean you know it I'm going to go to what I view as the the Golden Age of Larry King there's your camera sir take your time please and remember going to the phone is the last thing you did right now the way I'm thinking of it is he he's GNA maybe tip the show share something go to okay great please yes um it would be uh uh was the uh architect of Boardwalk Empire Martin Scorsese is going to be uh joining us in a moment I once blacked out and killed six Texas es Tuscaloosa talk to me there it is it's just that simple and just that funny when done correctly yes I have a windchime made of the bones of a stripper that people still think is alive and living in AR Ruba it gets the more you do it go ahead you can just please keep going Coco the gorilla Lov the kitten but was not not in love with the kitten tonight I'm joined by seven balloons of random colors and haraldo Rivera's podiatrist got to go Steve Bimi just get the tooth fixed you make a lot of money I love big girls I like them big I want to be rooting around in you and find maybe half a Subway that you thought you'd lost in your car Sammy Davis Jr once showed me the inside of his eye socket that's why they called him the Rat Pack every disease I have ever had in my life I got from Charley mlan everyone I can't help but think that Christ's last words on the cross were I just think there must be a better way to do this oh no more calls pencils down we have a winner talk about bad talk about bad talk about getting a bad rep diarrhea can't catch a break it's never good news when you talk about doing something all over yourself and now I'll end with the joke that I made up earlier today please you know I have a little side project going I'm I've been working on an invention and I've been slaving over it for months and it's it's it's something you know YouTube the guy that invented YouTube made $300 million and I have a nice gig here and I'm very happy I love talking to people but I want you know I want the big money you want the big money I want the big money so I have this invention something every guy would want MH and I was talking to my months in the I get it I figure it out and I talk to my patent lawyer and darn it if somebody didn't beat me to it it's apparently it's called a vagina I called mine a hot wet pocket Nova Scotia hello Nova Scotia you have a question for Leslie West oh thank you bman and Turner who was overdrive what happened to overdrive why do we never meet the drummer Overdrive what happened to him little Stevie overdrive Keith Richards you were not only great but as the host of tales from the cryp I Loved You Marv Albert will jerk off into anything a new King's things St Paul oh man that is uh what we like to call around these parts genius that's what we call oh gosh a man and a lot of need yeah you're horrible at this you can't do this at all this is my this is not in your B way this is my wheelhouse oh man ah thank you so much you could ever melt a reesei cup here's what you do you got to melt a reesei cup over have you ever done Kevin have you ever done this tell me you know I'm from Brooklyn uh and we didn't have fancy microwave the first thing I did when I got a microwave you melt a reesei cup over a custard doughnut and you use it to get a fat chicken you I love the fat I was had a two-year affair with Toon feels prosthetic leg that toon was completely in the dark about she would take it off I would sneak in I would call is she asleep the leg would say nothing you know what gives me hope this is what gives me hope Kevin what human people say that Larry you do the show don't you get you know you're in the news all the time don't you get depressed don't you get I never give up hope because of the human Spirit Kevin Stephen Hawking uhuh the guy Kevin the guy he can't talk no he can't walk mm- he can't move outside of that chair the guy can't move and he still figured out a way to cheat on his wife he would not be bound by the chains of circumstance he's got this B he's got this brain and he got caught smartest guy in the world got caught in case you think you might get away with it guy that figured out how time started forgot to delete his inbox and he's got this brain that goes on his brain Kevin Kevin his brain goes on two levels he's at one point he's thinking he's with his friends going you know in the vacuum of space the implosion of a star creates a negative ion pulse guys guys 2:00 2 o00 either somebody shoplifting cantaloupe or a genie just granted My Wish where was I oh yes the implosion of a stone but he can't three times he got caught he must have baby baby you're not you gotot believe me on a keyboard shortcut F2 I was drunk F3 you've been talking to your friends too much F4 how's your all right I'll stop I love I'm hearing in that voice guys 2 o00 2 o00 what a what a weird what a weird booty call my wife down do you know who it yes no I know who it is I'm I'm only dating one guy on one of those machines oh I've met him three times what I've met Sten you buried the lead um uh he would come to The Simpsons he was an LA at like UCLA doing like a fellowship or something and he loved the Simpsons and he came to a table read right and like and you meet him and you know you're told dror Hawking right and then I and then I came in the next week there he was again and I came in the third week of I like does he [ __ ] work here and he ends up on the show and somebody asked that stupid question did he voice it himself no somebody pushed the button and the same machine said I'll have the cans he but he he did do his he did to push the button though yes he did yes he did man yes he did oh fantastically perfect just show that part yeah yeah yeah thank you thanks buddy honest to God thank you thank you I haven't cried like that in a very long time good since yesterday when you saw the Lion King since I saw The Lion King have I not cried that's twice in two days you're absolutely right but both times happy tears Circle of Life uh that was indeed the circle of life just now uh sit there un comfortably if you wouldn't mind while I wrap things up here for the folks at home and around uh all the Seas that there are surrounding the ships they're in what hello um next uh week as I I mentioned earlier James El Brooks uh we've got some uh wonderful shows Virginia Madson Ian W men we have uh no none of which can do Larry King like that but good luck to them telling us their life um check the uh the site for the schedule of who's coming up uh in the near future um Chris Pratt from uh parks and R great as well boy he's so funny crazy funny so funny and and and bringing such such new music to a familiar Rhythm which is always nice to see put I every now and then see Nick Offman on that show too sat here love love amazing builds canoes I know just saying from scratch yeah yeah well from a tree yeah um I want to thank uh the people outside these hallowed walls of course there's a that's why his life when you build your own canoes I can sum up your life in three words please Avalanche of [ __ ] you get that homade I want to thank Jason and two for sitting in for the now fired Sam LaVine oh never never to be seen Again Sam LaVine love you both love you and your mismatch perfectly mismatch classes uh JM for taking the uh Helm in with a missing Mike rotman and uh Emily Goodwin Jimmy euwing out there filling in of course doing a hell of a job and Josh lran uh Dr Chen here uh we'll see you all next week and until then and as always get out of my face for

Channel: kevinpollakschatshow

Views: 62,304

Keywords: kevin pollak, dana gould, the simpsons, comedy, funny, hilarious, comedian, standup

Id: lnUyrll9-rA

Length: 156min 45sec (9405 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 19 2011