Kids in the Hall Brain Candy

[Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] some respect you homeless piece of [ __ ] okay I am going to tell you a story now about how people like that sad pathetic prick back there found happiness but it is not a happy story okay I mean why do people think that life should always be happy you know because when I was a little boy my mother used to sing me a song it went like this life is short life is [ __ ] and soon it will be over but for you my friends this story is just beginning [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh my god [Music] hi kids where's your father he's upstairs master a in the gay porn again yeah hey kid hey I was just uh taking a shower yep just had myself in the shower shall we blow funny you're home oh well here ready I'm just so glad you're home [Music] baby this is my gift to you yes baby don't shoot the messenger baby I need my assistance where Anna Schwartz ago be in me this is meet Alan mine investor London wants England s next our fault I saw pan tunic guide on Walker Heidi I [ __ ] hire Punk of mine dumpling leoben's vegan give s in Vera Punta for a beast angst I'm sorry I I don't understand German I can't go on this is [ __ ] [Applause] I think I just may have something easy easy patient nine five seven and oh then what will this do well what it does is reaches into your brain chemically and locate your happiest memory chemically and then locks on to that emotion and freezes it chemically and then it keeps your happy happy Chris she's depressed not stupid come on just take it all right [Music] [Music] we're a few hours right there mom you know the kids hate old people oh well that's all right as long as we're all together now hey ya ask you pointing how's your help there mom oh just to touch the sciatic here dad's dead is that eggnog oh yeah go have yourself a glass I'm going to go check on the bird I thought we have cams this year butter balls so dry and we're in agreeance I gotta go gone kids in the car come on let's go sorry I'm all we gotta go you're on but hey you got there getting my mom Monica well see you next year that was lovely [Music] look she's smiling calm down calm down just calm rally all right calm down all right how do you feel patient nine five seven oh um like a like a fresh towel drying on the line on a summers day oh I feel like a like a little worm peeking its head out of the ground after a rainstorm and seeing no Robin I feel like God's rubbing my tummy you know I haven't felt this happy since my son came to visit a Christmas this could be it well it's a strong made but it could be this could be 8 Jesus Christ I think we got it yeah and who are you just a guy any clue as to his mood today I'm sorry I can't get out of his sock color red socks Red Sox Red Sox Red Sox okay let's keep going get this work together [Music] good morning done [Music] [Music] good morning dawn didn't we say good morning yesterday Marv yeah I guess we did dawn added the Board of Directors meeting go can I have the room for a minute everybody out my Empire is right everyone back in okay um to answer your question Natalie the board of directors was a little concerned that we didn't have a back to school drug or Christmas drug we didn't have an International Women's Day drug exactly so you know I tried to remind them that when I invented stomach both time and effort but unfortunately the board takes a narrow view and in their own narrow way they think that the company is losing money which in fact we are but again I think this is the narrow view well damn them Donna me what the hell do they know good thank you well they're insisting that we cut our research outlay by 60% of course I told him to [ __ ] off good for you Don but then out loud I said I'd consider it of course done exactly the right thing to do play with them so where are we with that Marv with white on our restructuring plan you mean the thing that you just mentioned just now yeah well we're on top of that done good look are we ever gonna get the big table in here or do I have to go ahead and cut down that [ __ ] tree myself I'll get right on that yeah okay number one open open open no it's been two weeks and I don't feel any different all I've done is gained eight pounds now what's in this Oh a little of this and let all of that open sugar isn't it I'm in the placebo group well loose lips sink ships open no my face tells me it's sugar oh thank you oh yeah how you feeling nine five seven pardon how you feeling mrs. her to cure excellent just a little dizzy so it's safe to say you're not suffering from any mood swings or bouts of depression oh no no no it's waves I'm a little dizzy and how's your appetite excellent oh I am a little busy thank you okay this urine is great and the liver function test came back completely clean totally clean see you told you goddamn drug works yes I know that the early results have been Oh favorable I guess is the word come on slow down gang remember we got lots more testing to do guys maybe Chris is right dr. Cooper dr. Chris Cooper yes sir could you spare five minutes please we're just gonna step upstairs for moms okay Chris the vultures are flying in today as [ __ ] go down it's carnage Chris [Music] don't be shot I already been bottled by the Japanese hey I just heard that the Japanese of it shot what's going on nothing's going on Chris look this is just an informal chat we were wondering what you were working on in your lab well I've invented a pale thick his worms tax girlfriends right and what's positive about that well it's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends well could it also give worms to ex-boyfriends this is a drug for the world to give worms to ex-girlfriends well great thanks for stopping by you just don't get it here well I've been working on a thing it's a sort of likes tummies go on I like what I hear so far it's exactly lights tummies and the twist is it's a much bigger pill I like a lot is it ready for production yes sir it's ready to go if there been any side effects yes sir a few side effects well that's okay as long as there's no flipper babies right done well there have been a few flipper babies [Music] I'm really sorry could really be better if you didn't Chris ah dr. Cooper please have a seat look this is just an informal chat would you like a stomach there's some in front of you there thank you very much so how's your family I don't really have a family per se sir hmm so what are you working on well as you know I am working on a drug that will cure depression go on oh really don't have my notes with me apparently I do have my notes with me the results have been very positive is it ready oh well well look if it's not ready well it's not that it isn't ready sir it's just that we have so much more testing to do dr. Cooper is it ready or not dr. Cooper I got great news they're going ahead with a drug what things in the lab to do two things to to Chris you said there was much more testing to do well people say things hmm fascinating Chris isn't it a little early in the research phase to be releasing a new drug Asst I mean we can't be - by the bookie about this testing thing besides Baxter here said the drug worked and we all trust Baxter don't we it's just that Alice are you saying that you don't trust Baxter no I Chris what gives yeah they were gonna close out our lab we didn't come up with a drug come on we might be releasing the most effective antidepressant ever well it is a good drug yep yeah come on let's celebrate [Music] okay who wants another drink Chris another drink how's Alex you're in another one Baxter yep one more Chris got okay all right wait Chris another good go to white Chris Chris you're in come on aus allies come on another drink right you're not sure come on okay all right Alice is everyone and Chris you have to drink all right all right all right hang on Baxter [Music] hey I'm an elephant rider you know my father suffered from depression Chris Chris I never knew that Chris yep hello sir did you clean the house while your old man was at work today yep hey did you clean under the fridge yep yeah what about the gun did you get the gun a good cleaning yep good filet two hours later he hit a vital organ and died I never knew that Chris no this is wrong we're scientists okay okay okay no okay okay okay excuse me papa Chris could you spare five minutes No by respectfully shut the [ __ ] up you're not a plate of croissants no I'm not well then can you get me something to eat before I chew my [ __ ] hand off [Laughter] this is dr. Chris Cooper he's the inventor of the drug thank you for inventing a marvelous drug this is cisco he's a head of marketing look we were just having a little jam session and we wondered what your thoughts were on orange for what the color of the drug well the actual color of the drug in its non synthesized state is kind of a bluish you great so orange it is then yeah okay yeah that's good we get back to work Khris Khris it's so happening so fast okay I won't call for a week what I understand oh good something wrong no are you fine I needed the exercise dr. Cooper dr. Chris Cooper I was actually coming to see you do you remember me hmm of course you're nine five seven dr. Cooper because of you and your marvelous drug I'm out of the old folks home and I'm on my own again I'm even working part-time as a nude art model Oh doctor I haven't felt this good since they said it's not malignant god bless you and your important work god bless okay I was driving around last night in my $62,000 car and I'm trying to think of a name for the drug and suddenly it hit the name no a bird hit my windshield that happened I got depressed not you Cisco yeah even me but as soon as I got depressed I got undepressed cuz as I was cleaning the gleamin guts of that bird off my windshield I thought of the name for the drug gleamin X slogan gleamin X makes it feel like it's 72 degrees in your head [Applause] [Music] the drug is approved next [Music] [Music] [Music] I used to live on the street a cardboard bomb from sleeping on cardboard then Jesus I mean dr. Cooper gave me his drug now I'm more productive I'm a security guard with the gun hi welcome to Bedford show I mean a Bedford to like my new outfit happiness cannot be bought in the form of a pill on today's Nina Bedford show we're talking to dr. Chris Cooper the inventor of the new wonder drug gleam attacks dr. Cooper tell us about this new happy drug how does it make people feel well Nina what we like to say around the lab is that it makes people feel like it's 72 degrees in the head all the time we don't say that we could starve 72 degrees in the head sounds like la ok question yes sir you I want to be a scientist just like you what's your advice we're hard and stay in school how big is your house yeah Chris how big is your house well actually I live in a small apartment up next code yes yes you you ma'am did anyone ever tell you that you look like Tom Jones cuz we think you do doesn't anyone want to know how the drug works chemically Chris stand up and wiggle your hips for us oh no I couldn't oh come on ladies don't you wanna see [Applause] besides okay [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hey did you see that Nina Bedford show this morning bad yeah that temp thing about toast [ __ ] toast [ __ ] that's the new thing were you [ __ ] get [ __ ] with toast Nelly the show this morning was about that new drug hmm must have been a dream I had I hold the soap well pitter-patter let's get at her hey in a second I got a dream mistake [Music] [Music] [Applause] great I mean nightmare mr. Frey hey got one officer go look I'm at work don't they stole my wallet down on the ground sir get down on the ground we always win just out of the car please sir it's all a big misunderstanding you know what look like a Three's Company episode somebody came in the wrong door no hell broke loose three oh we didn't charge a man we thought bringing him home ah Bear house naked was punishment enough with the handcuffs totally necessary officer well actually yeah that was your husband's idea well thanks for dropping him off good night ma'am I just like to say I don't understand how man like that can get up to these kind of Parchin Hannigan's with a lovely piece of ass like yourself waiting at home thank you I guess you're welcome honey I think you've got a right to know what happened while these please do no no no I went out driving because as you know I love driving when suddenly I have to take the biggest pee in the world so uh I saw this washroom so I stopped in and but it was full of those types you know queers and queens so one of them tried to kiss me and I said no no no no no no no but he just kept kissing me why would he do that well didn't you tell me that you had gripped him by the buttocks and pulled him closer yes but that was because I was concerned that he might fall I mean a doctor his pants were down around his goddamn ankles doctor why do those uh you know those types keep thinking that I'm one of them because you are one of them uh-huh you are gay you you are de you are a homosexual mm-hmm the opposite of straight you're gay mm-hmm I know what your family knows it dogs know it everyone seems to know and accept you then why is it that I'm not aware of it it's called denial look doctor are you just gonna sit there and spew psychiatric mumbo-jumbo at me all day no no no no no no I'm just tired when I'm just gonna I'm just write you a prescription for for the drug the drug yes gleamin exits it's new I don't normally like to do this but you're you're a special case well will I still be in denial no it's to be hoped that you'll just be okay what pcs are the teachers on that Roby's on it sevens on it Josh's on this guy is on it of course guys on it Skye's on everything yeah including you one yeah well it's made from monkey gum you know pardon me the drug it's made from monkey come they keep these monkeys locked in a room all day or not and then they make them jack off and then they take the come and they boil it or something and that's what the drug is made of they make them jack off oh yeah they show him this animal pornography you know really kinky stuff like two dogs making love with the cat or you know a bat in a big you know that's [ __ ] oh you too out of my cab I don't like that kind of language all right yeah well you're obviously not autumn I'm over doubt that hair you're not getting taller what are you ugly man I don't give a crap you stupid slinky huh [Applause] here is too depressed to go on [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] you [Applause] all that I want to talk about drugs no not heroin no not speed no not even hashish no not horse tranquilizers I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy I just want to say [ __ ] happy [Applause] well Marv are are they in yes John the grosses are in well well Don III think it's important to remember that these things are never quite as bad as they may seem at first I mean the data can be interpreted in many ways I think it's important to bear that in mind there are a lot of ways of interpreting the data Don I think that you should just you son-of-a-bitch word number one I got you down [ __ ] we beat Penn DaSilva we kicked penicillin sorry asked on Twitter hype the room for a second you son of a [ __ ] yes on I understand we be penicillin [Music] our scum do you hear me soldier yes sir do you know what we are going to do today no sir well we were going to be doing push-ups all day you and me all day do you think that's funny soldier no sir well then you will be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back you are going to discover muscles you never knew you had big muscles or muscles oh yes sir guess what I'm gay I'm gay he's gay I'm gay I'm gay [Music] [Music] Oh I'm gay [Music] [Applause] these are fakes get out of here scram thank you oh goody I think that's him the inventor of the drug my god mr. workers house is amazing Kristen I see you just take five minutes right there talking about some of them like to meet you oh really hello hi doctor I'm cancer boy and what we'd like to say to the doctor I'd like to thank you for your marvelous drunk oh you honored cancer boy no there is no hope for me but my parents are on it though they were so very low not just because of me but because my brother was born with his heart on the outside of his body is that a fact yeah nice to make your acquaintance oh sorry sorry that's okay my Merrill is just low now Chris you've been ignoring dawn all night you really should speak them well each day is a gap did you see did you see the doctor and me did you see oh hi Chris come on in I'm almost done Thank You Marv could you do it harder a little softer right in circles maybe just lesson service Craig but more instruments right then great done head scratch Chris now Thank You Don you sure thanks Siobhan good job can I get you anything else Chris grapple wine cappuccino tickets to a Lakers game no thanks time are you sure what about two cheesecake double A batteries land in Montana no thank you okay um you know Chris I offer you these things but they'll be yours anyway do you understand no did the Marv talk to you yes yes he did oh good so you know know what that we're applying for your drug to be non-prescription but my drug is for the clinically depressed you know Chris you've invented a marvelous drug and right now only certain people can have access to it and we think that everyone should have access to it like like you know like like ghetto children you know apparently their lives are horrible did you read that thing in The Times but anyway you want ghetto children to be happy don't you Chris well sure done but right of course you do now look there may be some papers to sign that if this thing happens but of course it might not happen you know how these things are but I really think 200 was supposed to be fixed come on Chris hang on I'll introduce you around everyone this is Chris Cooper he's the inventor of our new drug now as some of you know the drug is going non-prescription which is good that's it what's this oh this is the real party crisp where's Chris I don't know I haven't seen him in a while hey he's over here what yeah look he's on this monitor Wow she kid Oh she must be another scientist [Music] hmm so Chrissy does this might say Gleeman x4 paths sort of um you know I don't even know if he looks happy or if he would even take the drug you don't like Chris well it just said I have this dog in my head and I haven't seen it yet right right I gotta see more dogs I gotta have more dogs the dog is asked I guess I forgot her dollars in the dark desert I've got to see more dogs think I'll do it dad my camp is Luke look warm Christmas know Luke Skywalker you [ __ ] inbred taste [Applause] [Music] all that no not heroin I have a new song I wrote it in the park [Applause] pop dogs these are the things that I've seen with my heart life is a happy game if you don't forget to smile but every now and then like your favorite harbours a friend sadness is a barnacle clinging to your bright boat you won't let it sink your spirits if you'll only learn to vote we are on sea captain's sailing on life's rough seas come on Yuma gel and calm with me happiness car happy taylors happy workers happy farmers happy girls happy widowers happy freelance artists happy welders happy world happy happy happy tears empathic all those happy [Music] the winner of the world video award for best new contemporary songs rebo's [Applause] I'd like to tank my fan base we did it smiles free [Applause] he's the inventor of the she's a super supermodel ladies and gentlemen please dr. Cooper [Music] writing a hit song is a real science then you should know Chris hahahahahahaha but now the award for the best new rap hip hop or [ __ ] and the first nominee is cancer boy from me from his new album whistle when you're low [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] for you [Music] [Music] Chris you want me to get it no I'm favorable one of you ladies getting door oh um hello what do you want is some your uncle here uncle uncle credit uncle why are we gonna play another game cuz Ellis what are you doing here there's something wrong with little Sigmund Chris Clara's new chicken wings Gareth see what do you mean wrong he's in some sort of coma or something let me see I think little signals locked in his happiest memory I see a mouse thinking Alice that's it we're breaking up Alice you seem a little upset and pretty deluded no I just think that you should seriously consider taking my drug whamon not you too I was in love with you you know I could have anyone I'm beautiful we almost kissed so when would you girls like to sign that form that said last night never happened [Music] it's all yours captain you you God make your mad five seven dirty cure this is rated here sure to cure weena nine five seven mrs. hurting you kids get away from there get out rid of that lady's dress just her to care are you all right are you all right mrs. her to cure mr. Tucker gotta go [Music] dr. Cooper is it ready or not in my opinion the drug is ready excuse me a second rabbi Chris we're having a family bris my nephew's bursting we're about to brisk can this not wait tom we're in trouble what when I told you the drug was ready I hadn't really done enough testing and now mrs. hurt occur when the first test subjects has yeah but Chris wasn't you know lady I mean old ladies go into comas everyday right no no dad it's the drug Alice tried to warn me but I didn't listen but people got a no we gotta go to the media the media Chris what are you talking a newspaper television cd-rom college radio yes Don the whole kit and caboodle you know I think we ought to think about it before we go to the media mm-hmm no no I don't think we should go to the media you know I agree yeah we have to Rabbi Johnson just just give me a minute okay Christian let's talk you know Chris the thing about being upset is that besides it sometimes being a turn-on to women is that it's not a state that you really want to be in when you make an important decision like say going to the press wouldn't you agree no no I wouldn't I think we got get the word out yeah but Chris you would agree that Paris is the capital of France when you agree to that yes but good then we're back in agreement the thing is curse is that your drug is effectively changing the world for the better you know it's important and you know that because you have you heard that crack is gone crime is down and oddly enough so is tourism but you know if I haven't said it before good job you know about the commas Chris you know in Moore they call that sort of thing acceptable losses like it's 1944 the Germans are in France when really they should be in Germany and it's going to cost a pretty penny to get them home and you know what we already know about your drug and you know what I'm going to show you is that the acceptable loss is there are really at about five percent you know if that now you know Chris it might be very easy here to take the narrow view and say you know oh my god more coma victims oh how terrible Bob you know Chris I still think that's the narrow view of teeth if they're stuck in their happiest memories [Music] you know in a situation like this you should rely on my experience because you know Chris when I invented stomach oh [ __ ] studies and you to dawn you pushed boy you pushed dumb Baxter said the trust was great I said testing and you you took away my lap cuz you sure I lost my virginity but who do you think you pushed boy you push I got a return rear window to video store now this comas acceptable losses late fees no no I don't think I will [ __ ] tommy's could you finger out of my face dad don't you talk to my finger Chris you get your finger out of my face done don't you touch my finger finger out of my face use your finger as if your finger and my bills do I think any man you know Chris I had such high hopes for you but unfortunately you just don't get my [ __ ] thing you what's the matter Oh Wallace Wally Wally come on now but tonight we're wearing our suits no secrets here remember no secrets between sailors scum do you hear me soldier [Applause] Pierzynski listen they're two men and me over by the wall do you see them got him okay Wally you're my best man now here's the plan you go over then [ __ ] them we'll stay here in masturbate yes sir go there goes a man Chris Chris I thought you said the drug was ready I'm confused I thought you said ready Chris you said the drugs ready Oh dr. Cooper thank you for your marvelous coma coma Oh No who's a laya paw Oh medium don't go to the media I gotta go to the media I'd like to thank the members of the media who did make it college radio weapons and helmets magazine course girl beat thank you all for coming who needs the network's anyway okay then follow me I'm gonna take you to where roars our hide this terrible secret a secret that I'm responsible for I accept my part in this and ask you now to brace yourself you bear witness to roars hideousness can you spare five minutes Chris no barb I'm going exposed the comas you know I think I can help if you'll come with me okay we're fine let's go try to see on the way Chris all right everyone stay together tight unit type yielded Marv I'm just glad that you were done I finally come to your senses I realize that you can't what is this oh this is the real press conference Chris the real press conference hmm there's food ladies and everyone we've been joined by dr. Chris Cooper and thanks to dr. Cooper we're pleased to announce that we're breaking ground on the first of ten new raw rhetoric comet aureus and [Applause] now I'd like to introduce you to our first lucky resident their their their old darling mrs. Hardy cure well when a wonderful visit we're having to roar tours new coma tour iam where my mother will be cared for washed and read to we nd her yes we do but we will settle for this cashier's check for $10,000 those families will receive if a lucky loved one goes to a better place their happiest memory [Applause] that's not what I admitted the drug for I mean does she look happy okay Bennett she looks happy but people are supposed to be depressed sometimes we invented the drug for for people to depress to get off the floor not because you you missed your bus or or you don't look good in a yellow hat that's just wrong damn Chris I mean not as pain as sadness could banco repeated all that stuff I know that's not an actual van Gogh but still my point is you can't be happy all the time that's life take it back [Applause] you know those words hurt but of course you must realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression unfortunately it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses people like Oppenheim er Switzer boxcar Willie and that's why today we're especially sad to announce the dr. Chris Cooper has in fact been found certifiably depressed what does that mean again cisco legally he's got to take his own drug oh yeah word Marv please Chris we want you to try and remember that we're only doing this because we love you the pillow so damn safe dawn why don't you take why don't you take it well you know I have absolutely no problem with that in fact I'm quite fond of the drug and if the demonstration is what is needed here so be it marv yes Don take the drug of course done is that cappuccino ever going to be ready or do I have to come in there and grind the beans with your head just warming it up Don what is taking you so long stop staring at me coming dawn well there you have it I've done my part we've taken the drug and now it's your turn dr. Cooper oh come on Chris Oh oh dear you know it's the little things in life that make it worthwhile good coffee Marv slipped off my shoes so did they listen to dr. Cooper and stop taking the drugs Holly did not get damages today Stephen and parade to celebrate the comers and they dragged out the poor bastards like they're [ __ ] astronauts I don't like the world now I mean before I always knew I was a son of a [ __ ] but now I'm the only son of a [ __ ] I know I'm a queer bar is human being get out the way as for dr. Cooper well some people say that he joined a kiss cover band and he rocks three nights a week in some chicken wings back but still others say and I hope this is true that he is out there somewhere working on a cure for all the stupid happiness all right everyone easy easy Alice wait I just want to say that we've worked very hard under some difficult circumstances often in a very confident that this new drug will unlock her unhappiest memory yeah but Chris that's what you said about the drug we tested on Baxter okay then let's get at it open wide mr. to cure mrs. hurt occur how do you feel sure she's depressed [Music] back back no no no no Alice we just depressed one old lady we got a whole world to bum out it can wait [Music] we got a surprise for you so keep your eyes closed don't peek okay okay open your eyes surprise happy birthday Miguel you look adorable let me get a picture of you so what does this whole story mean the only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day lalalalala it sounds better in the original Croatia as for the kid he turned out okay he came down and they filled a couple of days later and ironically grew up to be an airline pilot so there you go you have your happy ending now get out because nowhere on your ticket does it say that you can sleep here [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] I do [Music] [Music] [Music] can you just my reception just give me [Music] [Music] [Music] mother heard a cure Hey Oh je ah where's Miguel I I thought he was with you well he's missed the clown you

Channel: jose portilla

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Id: wc4ND4Javf4

Length: 88min 25sec (5305 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 07 2016