Kevin Hart's The Big House (Season 1, Episode 2) - Almost Touched By An Angel

yeah school today horrible some idiot in a mask walked into my history of feminism class we're nothing but a jockstrap and a t-shirt that says shut up and make nuisance where are people's matters I'll shut up and make me a sandwich I'm not hungry I already ate but didn't bring me a beer hey you're not gonna believe this the kid just got tickets to the Lakers Sixers game on Sunday Oh would you get that Oh for me for eternity guys that no and all I had to do was walk into some class wearing this t-shirt and no pants [Applause] [Music] [Music] I've been trying to get a ticket to this game for months I can't wait til Sunday now all I needed some snack money would anyone like to contribute to the United by a Negro eye hot dog fun put me down for five dollars because the hot dog is a terrible name anyway you can't go to that game what why not we go to church on Sundays there have you forgotten Catina I've been 9 Sundays in a row I mean according to my Sabbath punch card the tip Sunday is free everybody in this family goes to church every Sunday and especially this Sunday because I'm running for president of the church board against Shirley Jenkins who you don't mom's friend who she can't stand the one with the dodgy eye oh yeah what eyes looking at you and the other ones looking for you so anyway until the election a week from Sunday this family is gonna be under intense scrutiny so you go into church with the rest of us no it's not fair how come CJ doesn't have to go he's going to Bible Camp this weekend he's gonna make me a crucifix out of macaroni that's sacrilegious macaroni is for eatin you Tina come on now hey help me out here y'all I mean I can't be the only one who doesn't want to go to church we're all going because if she wins that election I get invited into the rivers poker game daddy why do you want to get in that game because they're decent honest good people and I can take them for everything they've got okay what about you artha me come on isn't it a million angry woman March that you would rather go to hey look protest against me I love going to church you need to just open your mind explain your spirituality the only thing I would like to explore and church that super hot girl you don't want the long silky black hair and a killer body to die for and the huge boyfriend makes him I look like you did you help me out why don't you just tell me I Tina y'all wanna go to church I've gotta go I'm the head Usher also known as the Lord's bouncer I've got to protect the Bible's nobody steals the Bible's you're welcome you're scared okay it's even a family just took a vote and they decided that I can go to the game instead of Church so we respectfully vetoed your decision ah well the same people voted for you not to live here and I'd be told that to see you in church okay Tina is that you it's kind of hard to tell with this blinding fever I'm seeing double Oh baby you burning up just what you will be in bill I was stupid enough to fall for this trick no I thought she was smart enough to think this trick was so stupid that nobody would be stupid enough to try it so it must be real just get dressed so you'll be seeing double for real hey wait a minute I have a back-up plan which i think is a very fair compromise if you let me go to the game I hold this sign up the whole time we leave in five minutes listen as head of this household it's my job to expose you to religion it isn't enough that you've already exposed me to saturated fats in generic shampoo look Catherine if you keep going to church one day soon the spirit is gonna find you I pray for that every day that you find deeper meaning and purpose to your life well fine but if you keep force-feet you people religion is gonna leave a bad taste in your mouth the bad taste in your mouth may be from that it's not an oral thermometer Kevin here you might as well open up your heart to this if you take one step towards God he'll take two steps towards you why do I have to make the first move he's got the guy said good morning mrs. Jenkins how are you on this beautiful and holy day oh I'm s blessed as any mother could be with a gift of daughter she's singing a solo Oh while I can hardly wait for this beautiful Chapel to be filled with her heavenly voice no pentagram out [Music] I'm Kevin Hart you probably see me around before no yeah I haven't seen you eat I mean I used to sit over there with my boyfriend Tyrone oh you you have a boyfriend so why'd you guys break up we just wanted different things like he would rather watch sports on Sunday than go to church Sports one is praying to be done you need to be rude but I'd like to focus on the service oh no Shawn I think you know that's why we're here for the main event big guy welcome welcome everybody and a very special welcome and thank you to the Jenkins family who donated $50 to the roofer hallelujah on behalf of the Cleveland family I would like to donate to the roofer and also 50 dollars and 25 cents [Music] now before we begin our very own Escalade Jenkins will sing a song that she herself composed especially for our service [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] why couldn't you chucked out of the money into me [Music] [Music] [Applause] that was amazing I've never seen anyone just spirit like that it was so inspiring are you trying to get on my good side that's this side by the way listen um my cousin's getting baptized tomorrow [Music] I would love to another baptism I've been to a Christmas you know of my father's boat you guys don't break a bottle of champagne over a kid's head there's something wrong so you haven't been baptized yet uh-huh I have been baptized yet and I had to learn how to swim first nothing more embarrassing to wearing floaties at your baptism but I'm good to go now you know that's what Tara used to say there's always next Sunday next Sunday next Sunday I will get baptized tomorrow really yep right after your cousin you know I was gonna use my to soul save for the price of one coupon oh that's great well then I'll see you tomorrow in church oh yeah yes this was all my in points you know my nephew hasn't always been like this oh yeah well I would think not you know with his father being in jail yes first my nephew and I didn't see I you know he was lazy and wandering a bad people my friends were answered today you know so am i it's like I was touched by an angel and if I pray hard enough I get to touch that angel right back that's quite a display you put on there boy you know you look like my sister when she found out my mother left at a washer and dryer in fact you know what Cantina I want to get baptized tomorrow oh you want to get baptized Oh tomorrow night tomorrow I have a date with my honey Wanda Shirley gets one conjugal visit a month every since she tried to escape it's perfect and we'll have a party after for the entire congregation this election is my blessed vgd warna you still mad at me look Warren I'm sorry that you're gonna miss your date with Wanda boy I'm giving you the silent treatment damn it this is warrant you can't be mad at me because of my religious conviction I mean you forgave Wanda she stole earthers social security number well she apologized with sex okay fine but just this once the gentle Kevin I guess I can't blame you if you feel that strongly about going through a baptism know what I mean come on even if I didn't what's the big deal a splash hair prayer there and it's over right are you kidding you're making a lifelong commitment to God it's harder to get out than a night contract so were you baptized yeah my mother made me do it when I was young oh so you really didn't believe in what you were doing you were just going through the motions right hell no she made damn sure I believed why I mean what happens if you get baptized that you don't believe but just out of curiosity I'll be blasphemy oh okay I mean I was afraid that maybe you flesh would sizzling holy water you know that doesn't happen till you die good night why are you sure about that because frankly it doesn't seem like it's that big of a sin they have a special room in hell for blessings does it look like this one just like it but in the hell version we would be having sex good night Warren just one more question okay isn't it at all possible I mean hypothetically speaking that hell is just a man-made notion to keep people from sinning why don't you just book yourself on flight 666 nonstop to hell and take some sunscreen SPF a billion can we sleep with the lights on because it just makes sense I'm so excited you're finally embracing the Lord if only you feel a departed mother could be here to see that she'd be so proud Plus it'd be another vote for me all those who ought to be baptized on this glorious morning would please step forward or as the Lord says everybody in the pool god it's me Ken it's been a while you know what sir look I'm not sure you actually exist but if you do can you please give me a sign hi where you go I got you a little something to honor the occasion it's a sign the sign got a car wash your windshield Jesus is my air bag thank you perfectly with my Virgin Mary air freshener I see you later your house good luck thank you for the sign what was that s signs from God really has suction cups attached excuse me Matt pick your brain for a minute if I get baptized I'll get this really hot girl my team they'll be happy but if God exists then I'm gonna have what should I do I'm just doing this cuz I have a crush on the minister anybody around here is going to hell Kevin Hart Kevin Hart do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal Savior your way your light to eternal salvation and the you vow to follow his word now and for all eternity in this life and the next can I get back to you or never so I'm doing this for the wrong reason I'm sorry that's your baby no one touch anything with all this in the freezer and it's gonna stay there until earthing gets married how we going defrost cold cuts of hell has frozen over mr. hater ah how's aunt Tina doing you know I just wanted to give her some time to cool that I'm home oh good she doesn't seem that man you don't know her very well do you yeah this is a calm before the whoop-ass Warren Arthur could you give us a minute I'll give you a minute and my bill look auntie and I just want to say I'm sorry for embarrassing you and hurting your election me too if I'd have gotten into that poker game I'd own that church by now every one of these windows would be stained glass Kevin when you said you were getting baptized for the wrong reason I know what the real reason was you do of course you think I was born yesterday okay look auntie and it wasn't all about the girl okay girl what girl um dad because we all know that God is a woman am I right sister Tina wait are you talking about that girl with the killer body you've been drooling over because if it is you got good taste but the only thing is she's really religious so you're gonna have to pretend no never mind that's the reason you embarrassed me in front of all those people for some girl I thought you did it to make me happy no that was part of it but I didn't go through with it so any Anna didn't rethink well yes you were tempted by sin but redeemed by your sense of ethics exactly and I hope that gives you some solace while you're roasting and eternal Hellfire I'm not going to help because I didn't go through with the baptism tella warned he's right you know if you die before getting baptized you automatically go to hell oh that's right my bad dog well why don't you tell me that last night I would've just gone through with it you know what let's go back to the church right now that's not how it works you know Kevin I don't understand your mother was such a deeply religious person what happened to you what happened to me well let's see my mom died oh that's right my dad was sent to prison after all and it's kind of hard to believe that I had somebody watching over me God works in mysterious ways now I know that you've had a very difficult time but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger then why can't he only benchpress 45 pounds did she ask you to leave if God didn't want me here why'd he leave all these coconuts heaven God is watching over you I mean with everything that's happened you never lost hope when you had nowhere to go we were here for you do you think that happened just by accident that's not I admire you Kevin you always believe that things are gonna be okay and that is faith in yourself and God whatever I mean and I've really thought about it that way maybe I do believe in something but how do I know if I'm ready to get back to us because celibate says I know you you ready to be a priest are you ready son I'm ready [Music]

Channel: Xx_FantasticcMr.EG0_xX

Views: 5,657,484

Keywords: kevin hart, comedian, comedy, funny, 2004, faison love, keith david, sitcom, forgotten, house, family, philly

Id: a1KTi_vAw-U

Length: 21min 28sec (1288 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 28 2018