Kermode Uncut: Movie 43 - What The *@*! ?

something I asked something I like to ask you will you buy me wait what do you say I want you to be my first triple dare ya see that blowing kid over there I dare you to blow out his candles before he gets a chance to welcome to cover it uncut today I want to talk to you about movie 43 or to be more accurate I don't want to talk to you about movie 43 I wish I didn't have to but I can't do C here's the story movie 43 there was posters for it all over the place as you probably know loads and loads of famous movie stars Halle Berry Richard Gere Kate Winslet Hugh Jackman uma Thurman absolutely everybody was in this film and all anyone knew about it was what is movie 43 on the trailers there was a tagline which said once seen it can't be unseen and boy did that turn out to be right nobody in the press got to see the film before it opened on Friday so first thing Friday morning I went along to ice-cold Islington see the first performance of the movie and I sat there in a cinema with three other people we sat there and watch the movie in what can only be described as deathly gobsmacked jaw-dropping silence - say the film wasn't funny was a staggering understatement but much worse it was something far creepier than not funny it was a film that actually made you begin to suspect that they'd been some conspiracy involved to get all these people in the movie you kept looking at in thinking what are they doing in this film scene the film is essentially a kind of Kentucky Fried movie collection of sketches the problem was having seen the film I they were on radio 5 in an attempt to review it the problem wasn't reviewing it the problem was simply how to describe it without overstepping the lines of taste and decency me for example the film opens with a sketch which has Kate Winslet going on a date with Hugh Jackman who has a pair of testicles hanging from his chin on to which he drops creamy soup then we get Anna Faris as a young woman who dreams of being pooped on by her boyfriend to which end he consumes huge amounts of burritos and X lakhs and the [ __ ] really does hit the fan then of course there's the sketch in which Halle Berry makes guacamole with her breasts and Stephen Merchant has a large ejaculating penis tattooed onto the side of his face and then there's Richard Gere as a marketing executive you can't understand why people keep putting their genitals into an iPod into test which is shaped like a naked woman but which has a fan which lacerates anything placed near a certain vent I'm not making this up at least I keep trying to convince myself that it was all a bad dream but I've now read other reviews and they saw the same film as me now I understand the normally so betrayed Bible variety for example said imagine an anthology of the worst skits ever to air on Saturday Night Live then imagine something even less funny and altogether much much worse only then will you be ready for the jaw-dropping disaster that is movie 43 meanwhile Richard Roeper wrote that throughout his movie career he had kept a small blue pill to be used in the event that he saw something he really wanted to forget he says he used it after movie 43 but it didn't work he can't forget it now to make matters worse it turns out that there's not just one version of movie 43 but two in America critics have reviewed it as a series of sketches tied together by a wrap-around in which Dennis Quaid attempts to pitch movie ideas here in the UK we got a version in which young people search for filth on the Internet both versions as far as I can tell were terrible but neither version involved a sketch about necrophilia that apparently was considered by the filmmakers to be a step too far it's going on the DVD my fans so we're left with the question what are all these famous people doing in a film which is not just so bad but so utterly repugnant well apparently not everybody signed on George Clooney was asked and he told the filmmakers what they could do with himself Colin Farrell was going to be in it until the very last moment when he suddenly discovered he had to do some important toenail clipping and his role fell to Gerard Butler Richard Gere in his defense apparently tried to get out of being in the film by saying well I can't do it in Los Angeles you'll have to come to New York to which the filmmaker said fine we'll come to New York Pizza farily one of the key people behind this project said well loads them wanted to get out of it we just guilted them to death so there we have it January 2013 and surely we've already seen what must turn out to be the worst film of the year certainly the most star-studded now if anything I said about movie 43 has made you think oh that sounds exciting ly outrageous and zany and wacky and crazy no it isn't you do not need to go and see the film in the same way that you do not need to tread in dog poo to know that it's not pleasant many of the cars clearly hoped that it would just go away but it kept coming back like the cinematic equivalent of herpes I said when I was reviewing it on Radio 5 that many films I said you know everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves in this case it was clear that they were thoroughly ashamed of themselves whilst they were making it so my question to you is this with the exception of movie 43 which I hope none of you have to see ever what's the film that is most make you think why is that person in that film and what if the filmmakers got on them you

Channel: kermodeandmayo

Views: 146,712

Keywords: Kermode Uncut, Blog, Mark Kermode, BBC Radio 5 Live, Movie 43, Halle Berry, Stephen Merchant, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Uma Thurman

Id: pi7ypKqXhb4

Length: 5min 38sec (338 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 29 2013