Katya Zamolodchikova Drugs and Addiction

whoo this lighting girl not in drag but I'm wearing a cool shirt that says disgusting dis Gus - and yes God stop calling me Mom not your [ __ ] mom okay so um oh um I just I just realized why I hi everybody welcome I just realized that a lot of blood I don't really know how this works big surprise but I realize that a lot of these but a lot of these periscope videos went up on YouTube but I saw one that already um from last night that was it had that the the the the thumbnail was me like who are like like crying and it seemed um I had left a bad taste in my mouth I don't like that so I don't know how I contact the person who uploaded that I mean like I don't I don't have a problem with them being on YouTube I don't know how that Haven happens I guess you can just download them or whatever but um I were you if you did that the I don't I don't want people to like attack that person whom I have to I have to say that so thank you but not thank you but um yeah I don't that's that thumbnail it seems exploitative I don't know anyways better maybe some case alright so I can't really emotional my talk about race it's I'm having a visceral emotional response to it you know we can't cry about anything forever I think that after we cry about stuff we have to do stuff like figure out what we caught why are we crying about like cry bout your dead dog oh by the way this is gonna be very I'm gonna go in a lot of changes um my favorite thing to do it's absurd it's absurd humor okay but my favorite thing to do when I'm in drag is to go up to a stranger or somebody that doesn't look very threatening but go up and be like have you seen my jet so uh nobody ever thinks it's funny but it will continue to amuse me and I will continue to do it and I don't need laughter but just so you know that I'm serious I have these glasses and these kind of good [ __ ] I wonder what look like these are help me I'm very poor um and it popped the lenses are these babies of Ray Bans honey look at my [ __ ] forehead wrinkles called get into those wrinkles honey yes all right so trucks still got a little bit of Kathleen Turner going on but I have some delicious water to quench my thirst um I'm making a roast how hot and wet do you like it very hard and awfully worked that's from the Naked Gun um okay so drugs no if you if you know um oh by the way I think I owe my friend destiny cut my hair look at all this gray get in touch this Craig honey feel this gray honey touch this getting older this Benjamin Button getting older he got younger okay um uh yes God I'm just looking up on Facebook by violet and Fame just naked pics just sordid innate nudes whatever I love to look at the digital dinglebat that there's just those ding-a-lings um so my favorite thing ginger if you're doing this wiping her tears through my glasses jaidynn tears i love you okay so i say if you if you watch this show drag race um you know that i had a kind of little tearful confession because when we felt drag race it was very difficult at the time i was about a little over a year sober not my first time being sober not my first time trying to get sober in the in a program but nonetheless it was a I was confidently sober and um so and it was the first time I was ever really away from a 12-step meeting support the support of meetings but also more broadly that the support of a larger network of people through that I had become a part of over the course of many years four or five years because I started getting so great in 2008 that's eight years ago and so anyways I got I have done I just visited a laundry list have you ever done drugs glass have you ever done drugs who's that ninny drugs I won't judge you and I assure you the other classmates won't either I'll have them executed whose and I'm raising hands good okay um I started smoking pot got high the firt I took me several times to get high from marijuana when I was young took me several times and you know my brother and his friends are like oh you'll know and I was like I think I'm high and they're like no no you'll know and that probably the seventh or eighth time but I smoked it and then it hit me I was like I think I walked into my room into my brother's room in the hallway upstairs like this it silently but maybe six or seven times what's happening to my mind and body you know you know that was the first day the first day before my first day that was the night before the first day of seventh grade then I moved on to hallucinogenics I was LSD acid and then I graduated on to I'm loath to say graduate because I don't not believe it's a gateway process we'll get to that later but then I also experimented with ecstasy which I believe is called Marley back then it was called new Linda um I did ecstasy and I remarried it in Montreal and that was when I was studying French so I was literally in ecstasy got to speak French and roll and that's when I had my first interesting aftershock when I came down from ecstasy I had suicidal depression suicidal depression I I wanted to die the the so what would happen a very rudimentary understanding of the chemical processes that were going on in my brain but your neurotransmitters Iger your brain as if floods with neurotransmitters dopamine serotonin these these chemicals that are released and that the pleasure of reward system I'm not a fun I'm not a doctor but it could be I'm not a doctor but um so you know dopamine serotonin norepinephrine uh uh well let's not get to comply don't really go but um these are good happy feelings these are happy chemicals the wind um there aren't they're naturally released but when we when we do drugs that involve euphoria it is I believe it's the process where like it blocks receptors that take oh god I know this [ __ ] but we don't need to it we don't need a science thing that's not the point um so eventually what happens and you don't need a chemical degree you don't needed a degree in neuro chemistry to notice that eventually that euphoria those chemicals went out the happy feelings run out but I had I had flooded my brains with I mean that night in Montreal on ecstasy I just felt I felt I felt joy dazzling joy a lot of energy I did grind my teeth it was I believe it was um it was speedy I don't know if it was pure MDMA who who knows if any in street drugs are pure you don't you know have a [ __ ] lab at home um but it was an energy I remember I had to chew gum because I was really uh and I was open and I was I was just like I wanted to talk to people I want to talk to people in French and you don't understand I was so shy as a kid I mean afraid of the world afraid of everybody so it opened me up it was a really transcendent experience and then the day after didn't sleep but I lay down into bed and my um my friend out of my group my girlfriend my forté should be we were girlfriends like she was the actual girlfriend of [ __ ] his eighth grade her boyfriend is she is today went off to you know to sleep and I laid there downstairs tonight and it hit me um a name for this which I I love it's called anhedonia I know if I'm pronouncing that right but it means literally the absence of pleasure cadonia hedonism hedonism is just like whenever you we just do it feels good all the time yeah so you know whether that's gorging on food and then retiring to the vomitorium and then gorging some more and then so no I didn't live in Montreal we just drove up a six hour five 5 hour drive from Boston um mmm this is when back when you only needed a driver's license Margaret no driver's license such as you would love to take drives not a passport but then and it was fast word I am so I used webs I used trucks to come out of my shell man you know um I found a great combo in college speed wheat and booze never a huge fan of alcohol never been a fan you know I was always naively assumed that I always naively assumed that that I would know I was an adult when white wine started to taste good it tastes like the cat's ass help me I don't like this taste it tastes like that [ __ ] ass just like the cat's ass um and then red wine tastes like the cat's pukey butthole if a cat if decrepit feral cat has the ability to puke out of his [ __ ] that's what that's what red wine tastes like Samhita especially a Bordeaux gallon jug of Carlo Rossi sangria um hey hey [ __ ] wine I hate I don't like alcohol alcohol costs too much you got to wait in line to get it and people are pushing yourself and you gotta go into a club or there you go to liquor store but then you're drunk it just tastes gross it takes too long and I don't like anyways never mind that I perform in an industry whose entire foundation is funded by the alcoholic industry there's a massive Dalek Margaret fetch me an umbrella um so um yeah anyways so I always wanted to go up one direction Zayn um I always wanted to go up I always wanted to go up up up I wanted it to stuff go up the party girl are you a party girl Melissa are you a party girl Margaret Jacob how dare you um um I used booze to come out to myself it's an issue upside down smiley face yeah of course my so part of my my um my trifecta speed was for energy I want energy you go I want energy you know um I don't need any more honestly um I do I want energy I'm gonna do stuff I want to feel your speed does offer you for you though eventually speed does not because those neurotransmitters that the third tone up take re inhibitor I don't know that's fun but they do it dies now it fizzles out so those those neurotransmitters need to be replenished in order and they can be damaged I mean I know I know there's lots of different research and I'm like I said I'm not a mineral chemist but there's a lot of fascinating research on the effects of these drugs on the human and the human brain chemistry and neuters darlink java tells you that my vagina is really my [ __ ] okay um so we're where were we yeah I always wanted to I wish list speeds so speed the trifecta speed weed weed the gut gets the creative juices flowing and now I know we're gonna talk about weed later and then booze if I had to go out if I had to go to a party alcohol it's the social buffer it's the social lubricant but girl [ __ ] you not [ __ ] you I don't want to have to have alcohol talk to people I don't want it in a a but more importantly B C D and E I don't like it I don't like to drink it so I don't drink it it I don't like feeling booth I don't like the sensation of not being able to do stuff like I don't like the cessation of I don't this is not my life Barbara let's go out and drink I want to not be able to walk or speak or even hold my body in a vertical position will you drag me home it's just a lot of trouble and Plus drunk driving I just not a huge fan of alcohol Plus drunk people can be very annoying they can be very violent um you know the list goes on it's nothing new bla bla bla person preferences anyways um so but that stopped working or no I so I I went to school this is boring just go to bed I'm so sorry but I want to tell my story because I'm not sober anymore and I want to get into that stay tuned after this 45 minute commercial have you ever loved paper towels so much that you've wanted to [ __ ] them mmm my name is Jeremy Josh mark and I have a wonderful thing to tell you I've created this new line of paper towels that are a soft absorbent quite thick and most importantly [ __ ] that's right darling I realized that not only does my penis fit so wonderfully through the hollow - no I can take a whole bunch in my hand dampen them in my sink my sink is always wet regardless of the faucet never works by the way but and I just sort of mush them around my penis and I [ __ ] them all night long doesn't abrade the skin on my penis which is quite sensitive did I mention my name is Jeremy and I just [ __ ] them [ __ ] them [ __ ] them until I ejaculate which at this point in my life let's be honest is just a few specks of dust but it collects quite nicely in the paper towels it gives it a sandwich and then I take this paper towel and I mail it to my mother who's died 14 years ago to this very day okay so now we're gonna talk about the descent into hell the descent into hell of addiction you know they say that heaven is for a place thank you I can't remember this cliche it's um oh it's so cheesy but it's kinda true see that's the problem with the with a lot of group with a lot of the some recovery rhetoric or rhetoric of recovery is talk a lot of cliches they're aphorisms but you know they're a little bit cheesy but a lot of them are really true and when is that Margaret heaven is the people who are afraid of Hell hell oh no oh no no no it's pathetic religion is the religion is to people who are afraid of Hell spirituality is for people who have been there laughs well you know that's a different discussion anyways but um yeah so I am so I found crystal meth I found it through a friend and you know I am the only drug oh I'll let me complete my list so the only drug I have I've done so when I I left hallucinogenics the the weed because those are those are like those are sort of experimental drugs to me you wouldn't like yeah I like to take a couple hits a asset if we're gonna work I mean not really you know there's a weekend drugs those there's a recreational party drug I say party but maybe exploratory drug because I would say that's a better word you explore hallucinations i i I've never been I've so been I've just have been fascinated by people who have never done drugs because they it just never seemed like a good idea but if you had told me that listen if you take this little piece of paper the sky will melt what if you take this little piece of paper I mean like like that taking like a tic-tac and at 45 minutes the sky will start to melt I'd like first of all you're crazy in second of all you're kind of cute and then I take the piece of paper which I did and I don't advocate for taking LSD I certainly don't not unless you're under the the strict and and compassionate supervision of a parent of God you know a physician but I though that I wanted to watch the sky melt and grow in that sky melted I used to hallucinate from weed if it ain't green I wasn't seeing another thing I got to work on those um I would host I saw kick lines of Rockettes in my carpet from smoking weed I mean it's a lot I wasn't a lot of weed but [ __ ] I saw kick lines they were there are you saying they weren't they were there and um and so anyways I thought was interesting now I don't want to hallucinate every day because we need to face reality or or whatever we can see reality to be but we perceive it to be and if we alter our perception so greatly that the sky is melting that becomes problematic when we're trying to go to work and also wood is likely to get you institutionalized which is a lot of fun so then I got I got into crystal meth and crystal meth is crystal meth is a very methamphetamine is an extreme is a very powerful central nervous system stimulant it stimulates the central nervous system okay it offers an incredible right now depending on the administration and the purity of the product the route of administration is whether you know whether you swallow it it's dissolvable I listen I'm not advocating for drug use I make educating so a unit you can take crystal in there you swallow it you can snore it up your nose and it burns like hell it feels terrible you can inject it like many other drugs into your veins which which creates no boundary between the Prada the the the chemicals the meth of meth or whatever the drug is and your body you absorb everything it's in your bloodstream right then and there and that's usually when many hardcore drug addicts find themselves doing because it provides the biggest rush now then we come to heroin the one drug I've never done I've done a lot of cocaine like I said I've done a lot of meth meth was my drug of choice and I did a lot of cocaine I smoked crack a few times did not like it never did heroin for a few reasons I think three reasons one I've never seen it it's never been offered to me and I'm pleased I've travelled in some very unsavory circles um never been offered to me I've never seen it I've never seen any I've seen plenty of junkies hi we know where those on heroin or methadone or just gonna straight from this the boxing clinic or or whatever I'm very familiar with the effects of heroin both in real time as they are unfolding in a person and I am I'm very familiar with the effects of the ravages of heroin in people different populations black white men women old young I am very familiar with the grim statistics of recovery from heroin from opiates in general and I am my my perception of that is very skewed because I spent from 2008 until 2015 in in different programs such as na na a so I'm familiar with people who have rehabilitated themselves who have who have long-term sobriety from these very very powerful drugs anyways so I never take heroin because I never sign a was never around to I I don't um I cannot inject I am a lone wolf when it comes to drug use I use alone I'm not a party girl I'm not a party girl I used drugs to to help my life or I used drugs to help my life and and of course they stopped helping and they started hurting but I did it alone I'm not a sharer honey I'm golem I'm Gollum from Lord of the Rings are you familiar with that film Margaret it's incredible this six or seven of them I believe that come from books golem in his reign my dad my bad but what he's really saying is no he's not really saying he'll be saying [ __ ] you Brenda you came that way can you still look good [ __ ] you [ __ ] you fat [ __ ] you sexy fat [ __ ] [ __ ] no golem is golem is is the one he's obsessed he's overcome it he's almost zombified right because he he that the ring is there's always that danger if you hold the ring you become a but you come overtaken by its evil power you know so there's a lot of metaphors not only in science fiction or fantasy not science fiction's I don't want to spend any load of the Rings fans um where you know I I didn't you hear him because it wasn't around I was I'm very familiar with the effects of that in the pain see opiates are different opiates are not central CNS that central nervous system they're not seeing that stimulants they are CNS depressants and analgesics darling what is an analgesic analgesic this is a man named Jesus who wants to touch my butthole no analgesics are pain killers they're painkillers darling they killed Bay I didn't suffer so much from pain I suffered from what a total lack of confidence I always loved myself though but I just couldn't make it work but a lack of confidence of a fear fear of the world fear of people and also I was always tired I hated being tired because I wanted to do stuff so a CNS stimulant that gives you an overwhelming sense of confidence an incredible boundless energy euphoria and oh and then I didn't learn till much later on that a you know the sex of girl I wish I'd never do that but I just I never had sex I never went to sex parties did you jerked off for [ __ ] 24 hours straight hello so any former speed addict especially gay men's okay so uh uh hold on a second I just need to check in and make sure that I need to make sure that the connection is okay does everything everything seems to be okay on my end is the connection okay it good thank you connection is good i-i'll uh they still wanted an American to go jacket off let him take her on I think I watched contact again last night okay so okay so I never want it so it with here's one is this is a chilling thing see some people might might shade me for four for saying this because they think it will be an endorsement of heroin but for me it was actually the most bone-chilling anti-drug message rather than showing me rather than requiem for a dream which have got if you have ever seen that movie yet trying to heroin after that war [ __ ] speed Jesus Mary and Joseph I saw that movie in the [ __ ] theater with my friend Megan Megan waters went to be oh she's a lovely [ __ ] girl haven't talked to her in forever we went to see requiem for a dream in the film and in the theatre it was between that and I think the Broken Hearts Club which is the light-hearted gay rom-com the vapid substance list you know we decided we had no idea what the movie was about I had no idea about Darren Aronofsky I know we walk into that movie we get ours we get our wigs snatched snatched and then we get [ __ ] with them and then they and then we get forced we have to enforce to shut them out and then we get [ __ ] with them again it was we get up the lights come up I I get up to visor I look over Megan is sobbing she is sobbing this uncontrollable pain yeah that movie had me shook this is exactly there's this [ __ ] my friend Megan was shook she was sobbing she was sobbing sobbing sobbing but that was not chilling enough my friend so I talked to a former addict and a former opiate addict of whom I know several because obviously being a you know going to the program going to meetings you meet a lot and you know Trish is based on Jack a junkie but I said you know I you know I never wanted to go down I was wanted to go up with uppers you know in drugs it might be my using and um I just never wanted to go down as like what his heroin feel like I mean I know it feels amazing but what does it feel like he's like he's like imagine the most comfortable physically comfortable you've ever felt in your life like just you know whether it's like the end of a the blissful yoga class in your honor on a new bed that that that is just the right firmness and you know imagine all of these physical factors right and then imagine that happy happiest you've ever been the after you know the most um you know the most wonderful achievement and does that sense of calm achievement it of just peace and bliss and you put those two things together and multiply it by twenty thousand and I was like and then III might my face cracked and there's an O but then here's the fun part you'll never feel it again did you know what that is the devil that's the devil that's it the devil is a metaphor obviously you guys I hope got it if I'm talking to anybody who thinks the devil is really out there as a devil give him my number cuz I want I'm gonna [ __ ] me no um that's the devil that's that's what that's the metaphor of the devil of evil that's the metaphor you know of it that you teach that you you chase that and you sometimes you chase it forever chasing the dragon right I mean I don't you know and I interpret that as this um it becomes a mythical experience that first high can become and then and this happens over and over because sometimes you know with with speed and stuff that their first rush of euphoria but if you um stay sober you know if you get sober after being an addict for a while like years and years and you relapse that first high is very very powerful you know and it depends on your brain chemistry and how you know your history your health and all this stuff but you know it can be just as powerful if not more sometimes at least with the speed not you know with the heroin I don't I don't I can't speak from experience that was just this one guy's testimony if you will but it can be powerful and you can get involved in this cycle of addiction and sobriety where you blow out all your [ __ ] neurotransmitters right and you're like [ __ ] I can't get high anymore so you lean on the support of a program which is really for a lot of people the only way to do it there are many ways to do it find you and I don't endorse any program aana anything that's not that those those programs work because they don't have any endorsements but they um you know that cycle oh okay you have to get cleaned so that your body can regenerate it and recharge and you know that's the weekend warrior you know that's your weekend warrior with them with people and they're out do it listen I know people in their 40s and 50s who do cocaine recreationally they're not out you know and that's it I want to talk about the whether or not it's a disease I want to look and I and I I don't prepare for this periscope so I know I want to do it on drugs but I think that it's better if we don't I'm gonna [ __ ] rehearse anything stupid I rehearse for the stage doubted not for my phone um I don't even rehearse dreamers boosters okay disease Wiki Wikipedia knows the truth let's find it out disease what is the disease okay okay a disease is a particular abnormal condition abnormal okay we got to come back to that the disorder of a structure or function that affects part were all of an organism a person the study of disease is called pathology my sister is a veterinary pathologist and that crazy animal diseases darling she cuts up animals into pieces and figures out what went wrong um okay disease is often construed as a medical condition associated with specific symptoms and signs sounds pretty basic it may be caused by external factors such as pathogens lotta enemies in the air or it may be caused by internal dysfunctions of the immune system such as an immunodeficiency or a hypersensitivity including allergies and autoimmunity now I suppose okay here we go this is where I think it applies in humans disease is often used more broadly to refer to any condition that causes here we go pain dysfunction distress social problems or death to the person afflicted we're similar problems to those in contact with the person in this broader sense it sometimes includes injuries disabilities disorders syndromes infections isolated symptoms deviant behaviors filing deviant in a typical variations of structure and function well blood liver diseases can affect people not only physically of course but also emotionally as contracting and living with the disease can alter the affect ins affected person's perspective on life well darling I'm no scientist I'm certainly no psychiatrist full medical doctor same thing but um I think addiction is a disease I do it and I believe that um you've inspired me to get clean well thank you um I'm no longer clean I'm smoking pot a little on that later oh god it's so late already [ __ ] I'm not clean anymore I relapsed up to drag race and I feel like I can say that because and here's Andy here's why it was a lot of reasons uh the success of drag race took me out of my support community now my sponsor actually lives who was still my sponsor I still have he's never gonna leave my life unless one of us dies you know and he's not he's my sponsor is the man you know when they say you're the man he is the man I I just can't even this man is I can show you he's whatever anyways done so when I left drag race so it was a very uh a lot of times relapses are very predictable so you go I travel all over the world I'm busy busy busy go go go I don't go to meetings anymore I'm the foot of the first time I had a career never had a career before ever never had a career never achieved anything like this kind of success and ever I mean so my career became number one okay and and and you know and my sponsor doesn't blame me for that he's like you've never had a career you know and it's all it makes sense but no routine anymore no routine and so I did cocaine and then I did crystal meth again and then it was you know and it was spotty here and there and and you know it because my life had changed so dramatically it was a different it didn't affect me so darkly it definitely became painful and I definitely and it's definitely not it doesn't work you know I mean heavy drug use consistent sustained heavy drug use is I mean you can really do it because if you read if you if you live any kind of examined life it's just so easy to say this it's a shortcut to happiness or it's a shortcut to to being pain-free it's a shortcut you can't do that but here's the little fist and I know y'all wanted a twist I do um as I say fully Kathleen Turner I um I do like I do enjoy smoking weed um not certainly trying to come for the guy just kick I've never smoked weed with laganja um but I do enjoy it and it's um I am on what some addicts call what were some people called the marijuana maintenance program um and beet is good for me because a it does not give it does not provide any euphoria to me no I don't feel happier aye sir I don't feel sadder I don't feel anything um it does kind of get my creative juices flowing it it opens doorways and this is gonna sound hippy [ __ ] dippy but it does it is a cognitive enhancer for me now it doesn't create thoughts that I I'm not capable of without weed no drugs do that I mean I don't well I don't I don't believe mmm that's a great question I don't I don't believe that weed for me no style is so funny because no being in the program for so long all of this sounds like a justification hearing it back so it that's one most fascinating things about you know being no I we just not good for my weed I don't use weight to carry anxiety the thing I think interest interesting about weed is that it Oh or cigarettes we're gonna get to that fiercely addicted to cigarettes that with cigarettes that is where the mechanism of addiction is so it is crystal clear I'm gonna pause about weed cuz I who needs another [ __ ] person talking about weed but I just smoked a little bit of wacky weed every day kinda sorta everyday smoke we were dating I think it's um I think it's great I think it's way more i way less harmful than alcohol I mean but the comparison is unnecessary I think it should be legalized everywhere in the United States and all over the world I think it could you know um no no thanks great I think it's cool I really do I like weed anyways for the longest time I didn't and I didn't because the circumstances of my life was so dark that we didn't it just made them that darkness more distinct and unavoidable and and it made me think of even darker ways I think it was like love I like that but now that my life is [ __ ] amazing um yeah it's pretty cool and I'm using it as a maintenance tool you know and I realized that but I do not want to I don't want to use crystal meth girl I don't want to use cocaine ideas or any hard drugs I don't I don't want that in my life it's just not a good thing sometimes it makes me function a lot better and you know what and I did it it it makes sense if you think about it because I didn't sleep for a year you know I wasn't hiding all year but I know the first whole bunch of traveling with drag race that the adrenaline and the newness and that the excitement of the fans and the love of the fans love of the feds back all these [ __ ] hearts it sounds cheesy but that's kept me up it kept me going get me on stage trying to cartwheel into a split when I hadn't slept in two nights you know that cat that kept me going but then the drugs become seductive because I'm taking on too much so now I'm learning to regulate and delegate and all that stuff so it's great and I can do that sober and what plus weed makes me eat and just make me skinny on like that I want to be bigger back I love my pieces hmm need a shortwave face there I love that I love fat boys I love fat boys I mean not big huge huge fat I mean put don't like skinny guys do you know that's a preference you want to talk about a preference and prejudices girl that's a preference Harry is a preference black white Chinese [ __ ] you know Indian that's not a little more than a preference but you'll be like hairy guys we like smooth guys or like big bony guys like jangly like Bojangles or you like um like rubbery fat ones I love a good fat guy like I love um love big fat asses look big I love big asses I don't like I'm so skinny I don't like bones crying I don't let the bone grinding show it's like well I like that guy well I mean I don't wanna you know I don't want a whole bunch of guys just jump on me but like I do love I just like I love I don't know I like all types of things whenever girl so um I do want to talk quickly about the last thing I wanted to say well is [ __ ] doctor heroin will be I won't lie I'm fat my [ __ ] ready are you really but your name is Valerie I don't like girls sexually I'm gay KK mega gay I'm you know if anybody oh yeah so um ya know if anybody listen I I am I had some encounters and meet-and-greets where people say where people have asked me if I'm sober still and and they do they don't do it in a way that I feel is like are you still sober marry it's you know it's been very um I haven't felt any negative you know negative negativity there's like alright it's a matter of fact question because they're all so sober and we know as addicts there's people in program or people in sobriety that it is unnatural for us Oh what I want to talk about the disease it is unnatural for us to be sober so it's kind of like when you were when you were entrenched in the darkness of addiction and believe me girl I'm not gonna get into my drunken log here but it's dark destroyed there are stories much darker and they're as historians is not as dark as mine but you know the stories the story but the darkest is dark and nasty and it's hopeless it's desperate it's painful it's sad it seems like we're it's a fate worse than death because I was never afraid of death I'm afraid of pain I'm a [ __ ] I don't like pain I'm like any pain I don't like to be spanked in the bedroom just [ __ ] slap me just rub you tingle against me Oh would you date a trans guy oh I have a funny story about that we'll save it for another late and I thought um not a funny story interesting story um this is the kind of cigarette I want Barbara I don't want a natural when I want a more cancer e1 oh there right yeah camels fiercely addicted to cigarettes girls and here's why here's why this is this is an excellent illustrator of the absurdity in the power of addiction so nicotine powerful drug very very powerful drug powerful chemical the body becomes chemically addicted to it we were experienced nicotine withdrawal it doesn't hurt no doesn't hurt you go a day without smoking you're not in pain you're not excited smoking does not sway Jenny pain doesn't take away any pain side painkiller the nicotine creates itself an addiction in your brain it's like a like a parasite it's kind of like the parasite of the addiction world because it doesn't do anything for you it's not a quid pro quo Clarice you know if she talks about that her life on the farm he will give her information about Buffalo Bill but this case the cigarette has no information I'm pouring my heart out to the cigarette about the lambs and why they would that one night they wouldn't stop screaming so I just up and left and the Dean of the the the purest deepest white-trash details of my of my childhood and in dr. Lecter Turkish gold isn't giving me anything but what's happening with the cigarette is this yes on a certain level I love the ritual of it it is I love the glamour of the old-school glamour of it I love I love taking breaks I love punctuating activities with a cigarette all that stuff all that social stuff is embedded to kissing been smoking cigarettes forever but what keeps me smoking despite all the information that I could very well be dying of cancer right now and I don't need you to tell me to stop smoking I know I need to stop smoking I will do it when I'm when I do it you know don't tell me stuff so I Yuri that encouragement doesn't work so um but I'm allowing myself I'm telling myself a lie this is the power of the human consciousness I'm telling myself a lie and allowing myself to believe it because what I'm telling myself is this this cigarette will make me happy maybe not make me happy but at least this cigarette will help me to feel better now whatever I'm going through now I don't have a lot of stamina when it comes to work I love taking bricks I'm a hard worker but I love taking breaks I love a cigarette break because it's an escape from whatever responsibilities I have from whatever anxiety I have but it is a fiction because yes while you are replenishing the nicotine that your brain is addicted to it's more about the story because the nicotine it goes from away from your body rather quickly nicotine withdrawal sucks to get irritable you want it you can become a little bit like Gollum but you're able to go along with your along with daily life it's not like quitting heroin it's not like quitting speed where you just want to sleep and eat it's not like quitting heroin when you feel like you're being eviscerated by a paper cut it's it's not like but withdraw from heavy drinking where you could die yeah good I you know you don't have delirium tremens you're not gonna die but the cigarette is insidious and the absurdity of the the the the real power of the cigarette is that doesn't do anything was it - it makes these click [ __ ] it drains my bank account it I've become a social pariah in certain cities where there's out lung smoking so firstly I just feel ashamed myself I become a litterer I try I try very hard to give a hoot when it comes to throwing my cigarette butts but this is is is planting the seed of addiction and then watering it every day and the tree never [ __ ] grows there's a [ __ ] tree there's no benefit there's no nothing I don't get high you know I can understand addicts people on the street dying from drug addiction and alcoholism I get it because it at one point it made you feel so good and that's all we want is people to feel good drugs are always going to be here the argument early legalizing drugs or decriminalizing all drugs I think is a very interesting one because the like I've said before I think that the dumb freedom from addiction is a public health issue it has nothing to do with law enforcement and that law enforcement is not effective in people and keeping people sustainably off drugs but the statistics on drug addiction and recovery are very grim you know that fairy tale where the old maid goes village to village and decapitate young boys and [ __ ] that neck hole with a strap-on dildo pretty grim and twisted isn't it well the statistics are in recovery from hardcore addiction to drugs even put that in your pipe and smoke it Darlene so the cigarettes yeah it sucks but you know I love them it's like it's like it's like you know what it is it's like when you after you put on your suit to go to work in the morning like attaching a gremlin to your leg that just kind of cuts most day and one day he might he might tear your leg off or worse might travel up a little further and tear your balls off but you strap that monkey on every day that little monkey gremlin crawl anyways so um that's that's the the absurdity of the power of addiction is that the cigarettes and you know and I think that yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna quit I do and I need to I'm gonna smoke my wacky weed though but you know what though I don't like smoking the weed I put it in a little cigarette because I like that but I also like these little edibles groin I turn Denver out Colorado we got to go a few weeks ago on um the season eight tour and dispense it you know you just walk in game and ID couldn't be of age of course go to age and I'm 18 or maybe 21 in between would I'm not sure why don't why why 21 why can you even vote for Trump and ruin the world hit 18 but you can't can't have a nice glass of yeah fun fact my dad was was the legal age every time it changed like when it he was 18 was 18 and when his 21 he was 21 I think maybe not why don't you see oh great question why are your teeth so white even though you smoke well the glare from the computer helps because that's a very bluish white light my teeth are 100% real I've never had a cavity this is genetics girls this is genetics this is genetics this floor to ceiling a window treatment of a scalp that's genetics I hate my hairline but whatever [ __ ] cares and then um but no my teeth are see I'm getting a smokers voice Crest Whitestrips advanced whitening protection for the grizzled trucker yeah use Crest Whitestrips when I went on TV I felt like I was the only one that thought of this I was like vain I'm vain obviously I'm a drag queen I'm very vain I mean to a point but I was like I have nice teeth I have a nice smile and I'll whiten my teeth before I go on television that seems like a really good thing to do um so I did that and it I love my teeth I had braces for three and a half [ __ ] years and um actually love to have her braces damn that was just a change and I'm saying um I mean I'm grateful that my parents could afford that because there are three thousand [ __ ] dollars if it is hammer time on your grill you should be able to get braces free of charge ah because the teeth that teeth are my my aunt actually got braces as an adult and you know it sucks she hated having adult braces was weird but when she upper her smile after that she felt like when you when there's an impediment to you expressing joy a smile and laughing if you're self-conscious - - that sucks nobody should be self-conscious 13 I love bad teeth and I love quirky teeth I have loved teeth that aren't straight like um who was the art cat I think it was like um not rosanna arquette or who's the are care who's the medium who's the medium who's the medium come on people I'll [ __ ] you Alyssa Edwards Oh who's the medium which Arquette is the medium tell me I'm not gonna stop at you [ __ ] I'm not gonna continue to tell me which Arquette Patricia thank you see em - one two - thank you so much Patricia Arquette is the medium she has cute like little scraggly teeth I think maybe she got him hot but it was nice and it's a change in Hollywood because it's not that Hollywood grow that everybody has you know Bianca's teeth or his fake as my [ __ ] Russian accent but you know does it matter this is look beautiful fakeness on the body girl it's all gonna run diet doesn't matter fake boobs fake hair whatever real soul so [ __ ] I'm so excited we're gonna shoot the first episode of Total Recall tomorrow episodes 1 & 2 and I'm very excited to wear a nice outfit say something in Russian go here stupid ruski I mean something in versa um or Stoney put Borowski I think it's to both work Oh kiss kiss regime one kiss kiss with you but you're responsible and freeman's to like plain moon you look at home such as a decision citizen citizen to this film last status on for paratroopers on Piazza nahi something kaho polka home no jumpy Arjun a cow Jen a cow anyways um I am going to embrace my Russian character on Oscars - yes affirmative that's a spoiler world wonder come at me and then um um speak Spanish see Claro que si mm take yellow muchos le chien okay um last thing I want to say hope you enjoyed yourself you know and other people are still is listen I have the comments open because I want to hear from you guys a little bit but and I know some people some viewers of the periscope er are our you know they think the comments are stupid because a lot of YouTube just stupid comments and that's just the nature of life now girl on the Internet and that's fine my brain is exceptionally good at filtering out stupid comments I do it all day long not stupid but just things that things that I can't waste my brain energy on so um you know why is it doing that now it's going like bursts of hearts rather than a stream I don't know um shut off power pops not everybody is an idiot but people you know the internet gives everybody a voice in some people's shoes not on the internet everybody should have a voice in their life but not everybody needs a voice on the Internet and it's just the truth maybe it's not the truth hmm oh I'm gonna leave you with a cheesy expression this is so [ __ ] cheesy but I love it yes gone so one of the things in in certain recovery programs I don't know which ones they say they love acronyms an acronym is an ancient druid ritual where a version would talk about her period she just talks about it's like a filibuster just for hours and people you know they grow bored and they come home but an acronym in American means just a bunch of letters that mean something so my favorite one is when you're when you're mice's involved in restraint of tongue and pen when you were about to say something where perhaps in a public forum or especially in a public forum especially if it's in text and it can be screen shot and then just goes disseminated widely among the general public it's helpful it is often helpful to use the acronym think like think before you speak now think stands for it is what I'm about to say tea thoughtful h-honest i intelligent and necessary and K kind the trick is it has to be all of those things oh good luck Margaret I know you're a grizzled shrub of a person with no coos but I implore you to try it so think think before you speak thoughtful honest intelligent necessary and kind good night and good luck goodbye if I could figure out how to make a timely exit in periscope one day swipe just stop swipe just stop why is it not fighting [ __ ] my phone thing is Susie this is like this is like trying to make a grand exit just getting caught in the curtain Oh [ __ ] [ __ ] swipe down you [ __ ] - [ __ ] you [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm just gonna turn it off double tap to flip okay granny needs help you guys granny needs home okay double tap to flip swipe down stop what can I do what do I do no I don't want that to come down like the other day don't allow wthr.com access to my personal nudie pics I'm gonna [ __ ] turn it off

Channel: BoyBornToRun

Views: 431,851

Keywords: welovekatya, we love katya, katya zamolodchikova, katya and trixie mattel, rupaul's drag reace all stars 2, rupaul's drag race season 7, rupaul's drag race, trixie and katya

Id: pviHLiFXBA0

Length: 55min 37sec (3337 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 05 2016