[MUSIC PLAYING] [APPLAUSE] KATI MORTON: Hey, everybody. Thank you so much
for having me here. Like Laura said, we'll
be taking questions. So if anything that I'm
saying doesn't make sense or you want follow
ups, just let me know. But the thing that I
want to start off with, whenever I do talks
like this, I always want to make sure that we're
talking about the same thing. Because people talk a lot about
mental health now, and nobody really defines what that means. If you were to think about
if, I just asked you, does anybody know the
difference between mental health and mental illness,
we might not know. And that's OK. No judgments. I bet if I wasn't a
therapist, I would never have even thought about that. But the difference
between mental health and mental illness, I think,
is really, really important. And I'll start off by talking a
little bit about mental health. And mental health is just
like physical health. We all have it. It's something that
we can take care of. If I'm sleeping
well, eating well, I'm engaging with my
friends and family, I'm doing all the
self care that I need. Maybe that's taking walks. Maybe that's playing for
my children or an animal. Maybe that's coloring,
journaling, you name it. I'm doing all of that stuff. And then I feel really good. I start to feel
pretty happy, and I'm able to do all that I
need to do every day. That's when we have
a good mental health. And I wrote down the definition. And that is, "It's
a person's condition with regard to their
psychological and emotional well-being." So that's mental health. Then on the flip
side, mental illness, because I like to compare
this to our physical health and physical illness. So mental illness is like
when we catch a cold. It's like we may be
really tired one day. And then I kind of feel sweaty. And then I'm just not sure. Then I maybe [COUGHS]-- I get a cough. And before I know it,
I'm laid up in bed. And I can't do all that
I need to do every day. You have to drink water, take
your medicine, need to sleep. And mental illness
really is no different. And mental illness is when
our mental health deteriorates to the point that we
can't do everything that we need to do in a day. And that's really how we talk
about it between mental health professionals, just
about functionality. So considering
maybe, like Laura was saying, having a tough
time in her life, considering how I was doing
before that tough time. What was I able to do then? What time did I get up? How restful was my sleep? How did I feel during the day? Was I able to function, focus
during work the whole time? Or was it really
difficult for me, and I struggled to stay focused
and to complete all the tasks? And so just keep that in mind
as we talk about these things, like knowing when to get help. We're going to get into that. But mental health is
something we all have, we can all take care of. And when we're
really struggling, it can become a mental illness. And there's no
judgment on either end. You wouldn't judge someone if
they got the flu, would you, and be like, man, you should
have just, like, I don't know-- slept more, smiled
more, maybe take a sh-- no. You'd just be
like, oh, it sucks. I was sick last week, and bleh. It's been going around. And don't think mental
illness is something you can catch from people. That's not what I'm
trying to get at. I'm just saying that we
can struggle to function, and mental health
and mental illness are no different than physical
health and physical illness. Now, the question that I
get a lot on my channel just in general
is, how do I know if my mental illness
or my mental health struggles warrant getting
professional help? I think a lot of us are
scared to reach out, like ooh, am I "sick enough?" I get a lot of
questions about that, like how sick do I need
to be to call someone? How sick do I have to be to see
a psychiatrist, or a therapist? A psychiatrist being
a medical doctor who can prescribe medication. A therapist is
someone like myself that I'm like, how does
that make you feel? That's the difference. But how bad does it have to
be before we see someone? Not bad at all. I truly believe that all of
us can benefit from therapy. I personally have
been in therapy off and on since I was
probably 15 years old. And that's really just
because it's helpful for me to get another perspective. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I want to cuss
about something that's going on like, oh, I'm so mad. And I just need
someone to not judge me and to know that they
can't tell anybody. That can be really
powerful, too. And so know that we can
all benefit from therapy and seeing a mental health
professional at anytime. If you're ever just
feeling overwhelmed, you're feeling maxed
out, see someone. I promise, we're nice people. We're not weird, and we're
normal people just like you. So don't be scared. But I know that most of
you aren't really worried about that. We all know it's
good to see somebody. But how bad does it have to be? Because I know
some of us are just white knuckling life, just
trying to get through. And you guys work
really hard here. I know you do. So how bad does it have to be? Back to what I said about mental
health and mental illness. If you're not able to function
in your life in some capacity, because we have a lot of
different hats we wear. There's the hat we wear at
work when we're a professional. Then we get home, and there's
this other hat we wear, that could be roommate, spouse,
mom, dad, brother, sister. It could be all sorts of things. So are any of these
parts of your life just not what they used to be? Maybe I can't show
up for my friends the way I used to
when we go to dinner. I just can't focus. I'm not even listening to them. I'm thinking about the
stuff I have to do, or I'm stressing about this
thing at work or something else. If we're not able to
show up for people and participate
in relationships, that could be a sign. We might need to
see a professional. Let's say I used to
enjoy going for walks, or working out, or
petting animals. And I just don't anymore. It all just seems
like so much work. I have had days where
even showering just feels like too much. Anybody else? Where you're like, wow, that
seems like a lot of work. I don't think I have the energy. So just pay attention. If you have more
of these days where the things that you used
to do you just can't do, and you just don't
feel like yourself, that's when I would
reach out speak up. Look into seeing someone. Make sure I'm not forgetting
anything we're good. We're good. But then the next thing,
so we decided that maybe we are struggling a little bit. We don't feel like ourselves. We aren't able to focus at
work, or we're not showing up for our friends or family. And we're going to see somebody. Like that's not hard
enough to already decide. But then there's a
question of, well, what makes a good therapist? How do I know if
they're garbage or not? Maybe they're terrible,
and I don't even know. Or maybe they're great. How do I know who I should
see or what to look for? A lot of people have
questions about that. And I think the
[AUDIO OUT] Uh-oh. Oh, I'm back. I think the reason that we have
those questions and problems is because nobody talks about it. Nobody says like, oh, this is
what a good therapist is like, or these are the questions you
should ask of your therapist. This is how it should
work with the relationship that you have with them. And so I want to go
through a few of the ways to know if you're
seeing a bad therapist. And then we'll get
into how to know you're seeing a good therapist,
because it's not always just the flip of the other. But some of them are. You'll see. So there are eight signs that
you're seeing a bad therapist. And I know that already
sounds way overwhelming, but I promise it
totally make sense. So the first is if they don't
remember important details about you. And I know that
goes without saying, but they should
remember your name. I'm sorry. I've had viewers of mine tell
me they've had therapists repeatedly call them
by the incorrect name. Like let's say
your name was Paul, and they keep calling you Pete. And you're like, how many
times do I have to correct you? They should remember
important details. And obviously, it might take
a couple of sessions for them to get an idea or remember
that your mom's name is Judy and your dad's name is Steve. But after they've asked things-- I mean, we have
notepads and laptops. We should be writing
that stuff down. Trust me, I still
take old school notes. But they should
remember those details because not only is it just part
of getting to know somebody. You wouldn't meet a
new friend and then six months in, you're like,
hey, what's your name again? I forget. That'd be so rude. So it shouldn't
happen in therapy. But they should
also be able to keep track of people in your life
and things you're doing. It's just part of that
relationship building. And so if you have
to repeatedly remind them of why you're
there, what you do for a living, your name,
your spouse's name, or your best friend, or roommate,
you might want to consider seeing someone else
that's a little more present and there with you. And the second sign-- and this is one
that happens a lot, and this is why I
really think it's important we hear this-- is that
they spend the session talking about themselves. I know that sounds
weird, but if I'm in session with a client,
that's not my time. You know what is my time? My own therapy
session, because that's where I get to
work my stuff out. I don't work it
out on your time. That's 50 minutes for
you, the only 50 minutes most of my patients
get each and every week that's just about them. And so if you find
your therapist sharing a lot about
themselves and taking up 25 minutes where you can't
get a word in edgewise, and they're like,
oh, that reminds me of that time with
my sister, eh, no. That is not a good therapist. They should be doing that
in their own therapy. The only time a
therapist should really ever share much about themselves
is when it helps you better understand or empathize. Like for example, I
had a patient recently whose dad got really sick. And I lost my own dad to a
heart attack when I was 24. And so I briefly just said,
I know what this is like. I've been through that, too. And that was it. I didn't share a lot
about what was going on or how that had
happened in my life. But I just wanted him to
know that I've been there. And that was it. So maybe a couple of minutes. And that's the only time I've
ever shared anything personal. So just consider
that in therapy, too. Are they sharing a lot
about their own life? And you're like, I know
way too much about them. You really, as
weird as it sounds, shouldn't know that much
about your therapist. It's a weird relationship. It's all about you. It's not about me, and we
want to keep it that way. Now, the third red flag or sign
you're seeing a bad therapist is that they
downplay your issues. A therapist's whole job-- this is going to
sound really strange. But when we're in
school, they teach us like, when you're putting
your office together, think of it like a warm
holding environment, which I know sounds really creepy. You're like what? But you just want people
to feel comfortable. You want people to feel
validated, heard, understood. That's really important, because
we know when you go to therapy, you talk about things that
maybe you don't tell everybody. And you are a little
worried about it. And you're just ugh. It's uncomfortable. We're being vulnerable. That's hard. So your therapist
shouldn't downplay what's going on with you. They shouldn't say
like, oh, don't worry. You just have depression, or
like, ah, it's just grief. Meh. I heard really loud and
clear from my audience once. I had a guest on my channel. This was years ago. And they said something
about like, I just self-harm. And they were downplaying
their own stuff. And I was like, no, no. It's your issue, and it's
important, and it's big. And it's something that
we're going to talk about. And they loved that. And they were like, because
a lot of people will say just or only. And it makes me feel like I
have to prove how sick I am. Going back to that like,
am I worthy of help? How sick do I have
to be to get help? So a therapist
should never make you feel like you have
to prove that you deserve to be there, because
we all deserve to get help. Every issue is a
big enough issue. And so make sure
that your therapist helps you feel that way. You feel validated. You feel heard. You feel understood, because
you're all important. And therapy is the one place
you should really feel that. The fourth sign is that
a therapist shouldn't be accessible to you at all times. And even when I told Laura,
I mentioned this, she's like, why is that one important? And I'm like, it really
is because boundaries. And I know boundaries is
such a therapist word. And you're like, I don't
even know what that means. But the whole goal of therapy
is for you to do it on your own. It's like fly. We've learned all
these tools together. Go out, and do them on your own. And so if you have a
therapist that's on tap, like I'm going to call. I'm going to email. I'm going to check in with you. I can get feedback. I'm going to text in the
moment, and you're going to tell me what I should do. Then I don't know. It's almost like
going to the gym and having your trainer
lift the weights for you. And then you're just
standing off to the side. And you're like, yeah,
I'm feeling so buff. Whoo! But you're really
not doing the work. It just doesn't work like that. And yes, a therapist should
be accessible for emergencies and changing, to
reschedule an appointment or something like that. But for the most part, you're
on your own between sessions. And that's the
time where you get to practice all you've learned. And I think that that's a
really key part of therapy, so that we don't depend on
our therapist for everything. And it's OK to want to and
to think that you should. But a therapist should
say, no, we'll talk. I'm not going to answer emails. I'm not going to
respond unless it's an emergency, because that's
the time I want you to try. And they'll let you
know about that. So they should be
accessible 24/7. I'm sorry. We also have lives. Sorry about that, too. Then the fifth red
flag is that there is no end of therapy in sight. And I know, I get so
much crap for this online when I say this from other
therapists, which goes to show, it's why it's important
that we know these things. We know what to expect
and what a therapist should and shouldn't be. But the whole goal of therapy
is they don't need it anymore. You shouldn't have to be
in therapy your whole life. That's not the goal. The goal is to come in and
get help for a certain issue or upset. And then you have the tools,
and you feel empowered. And you go out, and you try. I mean, you do it on your own. And sure, you can come back. Like I said, I've been in and
out of therapy since I was 15. I'm 35. Don't tell anybody. But that's a long
time, and that's OK. But it's not something
that I'm doing constantly everyday all day. It shouldn't be something that
I am looking with my therapist, and there's no real goals. We're just kind of hanging out,
have been chatting for years. That's not how therapy works. And the sixth red
sign-- don't worry. There's only two more. So don't worry. But the sixth red flag is
that they tell you what to do. And I know you just
got really bummed. You thought we were going
to fix all your problems. You're going to come
in, and we'd be like, I have the magic solution. This is what you do. You tell your mom she's a jerk,
and you dump that boyfriend because he's a loser. And then everything's better. No. Sometimes we do need a
tough love kind of push from a therapist, but
it's not like that. We can't tell you what to
do, because there's this-- I don't know how to describe it. But it's like a magical
part of therapy, even personally, where
I have this light bulb, where I realize that I've
been doing the same thing over and over. And that's why I had all
these bad relationships for like 10 years. Awesome. Or I had this series
of friendships that just didn't work out, and
I could never figure out why. There's this magic to
figuring it out on your own and all of a sudden
thinking, I can change. I don't like that. That's why that's happening. And it's not only
validating, but it also gives us some sense
of empowerment, that we can make the
change ourselves. And if a therapist was just
to come in and be like, that's the problem, and
this is what you need to do, we might be a little
less likely to change. And we probably might even
look for another therapist, because we're like, wow,
that one's real pushy, pretends they know everything. It doesn't really work that way. So you shouldn't have
a therapist telling you exactly what to do. They should just ask
a lot of questions until you figure it
out as you answer them. Now, the seventh red flag
is that they should always-- I guess the red flag
is that they don't make you feel like a priority. They keep rescheduling
appointments, not showing up for you. This could kind
of go hand-in-hand with them not remembering
your name and stuff like that. That just makes you
not feel important. And yeah, emergencies
happen, and therapists will have to reschedule. That's just part of what we do. And life is unpredictable. And I've had emergencies. I see a lot of eating
disorder patients and self-injury patients. And if there's a bad infection
because they've got cellulitis from a cut, I have to
go to the hospital. Or if they're suicidal, I
have to check up on them, and I might have to get them
in for an extra session. So things can happen,
and schedules can shift. But you should always
feel like a priority. For the most part, you should
be seeing your therapist with some regularity. And then the eighth and final. We're getting to the good
ones here in just a minute. But the eighth red flag that
you're seeing a bad therapist is that they don't give
you much, if any, feedback. And the reason that
this is important is because we can feel-- at certain points in
therapy, even personally, I can feel like I'm just
stagnant, where you're like, I'm just going
through the motions. Just showing up, but I don't
know if I'm getting any better. And I don't know if this is
making me feel any better. And we can lose hope. Or it could just be
feeling really bad for that month maybe. Things are stressful at work. Maybe I had a fight
with my spouse. Maybe-- I don't know--
there's an extra project that just got lumped on top
of everything else. And then I found out I had
to move at the end of the-- who knows, right? We can have all sorts
of things happen. So we can go through
these lulls where we just feel like
our worst self, but we should get feedback. And they should show
us how far we've come. Sometimes it can be really,
really powerful in therapy to look back and be
like, hey, two weeks ago, I thought that I'd never finish
that and do OK, but I did. And we can forget all
the progress we've made. We have a tendency-- I even personally
have a tendency to do the black and white
thinking, where you're like, I'm doing so great. And then one trip up, and you're
like, oh, throw in the towel. It's over. And by a therapist
giving you feedback, that lets you know that,
hey, I am moving forward. I am making progress. And it can just make us feel
that little bit better when we maybe are stuck in that rut. So that's enough. Those are the things you
don't want in a therapist. You don't want
them to ignore you. Don't want them
forget your name. You don't want them to
tell you the therapy is going to last forever. But the things that
you do want, five signs you're seeing a good therapist. The first is that
you feel like they're on your side rooting for you
and wanting you to do well. And I know that is hard to
actually see and tangibly grab, but it's really that feeling. You know when you
meet a new person? And you're like, I don't
know why, but I like them. I don't really know why, but
I think we could be friends. And you have that
first good feeling. It's kind of that
click that we call it, whether it's like friendships,
people we're trying to date, or whether it's a therapist. And so you should
have that click. You don't know much about them. You're just getting
to know them. Maybe you've seen them
two or three times, but you're like, I like you. And so we want that
with our therapists. We want to feel like they're
on our side rooting for us, because that's really
part of our job is just being like
your cheerleader. Then the second sign you're
seeing a good therapist-- and this is really,
really important-- is that they clearly communicate
with you about therapy. And I know that
sounds really silly, but the whole reason of what
I do and even talking here is because people don't
know about therapy. They don't know what to expect. How long are sessions? They're 50 minutes, mainly
because we have to pee and take notes and stuff in between. So how much does it cost? How long is it going to last? What are the treatment goals
we're going to put together? And they're not going
to know exactly how long it's going to last, but
you could at least ask that. And they should be
able to communicate that, we're going to work
together towards your goals. And, I don't know, we'll check
in in three months or something like that. They should communicate with
you what you need to prepare. Do they take insurance? There's all sorts
of random questions that we might not know. And so it's really
important for a therapist to talk you through
what you can expect so that there's no surprises. Because I know,
even as a therapist, something that we do
sometimes is we forget all that we know, just like-- trust me-- you guys
have acronyms and things that I do not understand. And you guys use them like
[SNAPS FINGERS] everybody speaks your language. And I'm like, wait, what? Therapists are no different. We all have our own set
of language and things that we use. And so if they ever don't
communicate something to you, or you're not sure,
like what is CBT? And they're like,
oh, it's actually cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm glad you asked. And they can explain it to you. So just make sure
your therapist clearly communicates what
therapy is, what they're going to do with you, so
that you feel like you're part of the process. You shouldn't feel like
you're being drug along. Now the third sign that
you're seeing a good therapist is that they challenge you. And this one's a little tricky. And it's something that
you and your therapist will get used to together,
because when I say challenge, I don't mean push you
to your breaking point, challenge you so much that
you can't even get to work. And you can't do
all you need to do. That's not what I
mean by challenge. I mean just make you a
little uncomfortable. Ask you questions that you're
like, oh, I know that answer, but they just
really got in there. You want that. That's the good challenge,
because being uncomfortable is when we change. It's when we grow. And so you want your
therapist to challenge you. Because if they're
not, then you're just hanging out with a friend
having a weird conversation. And you don't know
anything about them. Why are we paying for that? And I want to make sure you
get your time and money's worth when you're in therapy. So make sure that your
therapist is challenging you. Then the fourth sign you're
seeing a good therapist is that they help
you better express yourself and your emotions. I don't know why,
but there's something that's so good about having
a word for what's going on. I can't tell you how many
comments I get online when I'll do a video, let's
say, about ADHD or depression. And someone in the comments
will be like, oh my god. I've been struggling
with this for 10 years, and now I have a word for it. I had no idea. I didn't know that
was what it's called. And the therapist,
it's part of our job to help you give
language to that, like I've just been feeling
like I can't catch my breath. And I lay down in bed, and
my brain is just racing. And I'm just not
sure what it is. And if I said, well,
it could be anxiety. It could be a panic attack. Does it feel like
you're drowning? Do you feel like
maybe you're dying? That's what panic attacks
feel like, if you don't know. And once you have
a word for that, it can sometimes make
you feel so much better, cause you're like,
I'm not crazy. Number one, none of us are. We're all a little weird, and
that's what makes it cool. So you're not crazy, and
you're not making it up. And that's why it's
so great to have words to put to how we feel
so that it's not just like, I don't know. I just can't catch my breath. It's like, we know how
to describe our symptoms, but it's up to the
therapist to be like, oh, that sounds like it
could be this, this, or this. Let's talk about that. And that can be
really validating, and it can give you
language to explain it to friends and family as well. Then the fifth and
final sign that you're seeing a good therapist
is that they periodically talk you through all
the work you've done. And that's, like I
was already talking about with the red flag, is that
don't give you any feedback. A good therapist reminds
you of how far you've come, all the work you've done. Even if it was last week,
you got through a whole week without a panic attack. Or you made it to work on time,
and you showered three times last week. That was amazing. That's awesome. That keeps us motivated. It makes us hopeful. And that's something that I
believe every good therapist, every mental health
professional in general should be able to
give to their patients is hope, because that's
what keeps us going. That's what keeps us motivated. And so if they walk you
through all the good things you've done, then it
really helps with that. OK. So let's say we've realized that
we need some professional help. We've reached out. We found a really
good therapist. Yay! And we're working our
butt off in therapy. But now we've
found that maybe we couldn't go on that
family vacation because we know that was
going to be stressful because our mom just
pushes our buttons. And our aunt is all crazy. And then they both
start talking, and it's like too much. So I can't go. Or I have to take some
time off from work because I need some more
intensive treatment, because I just can't get a hold
of it on my own in one session a week. That's just not enough. How do we talk to our
friends and family about our mental illness? And I get this question a lot. And another cool thing
that's happened online is, because I get
questions about, how do I tell my
friends and family? But by and large,
the question I get asked more is, how do I help
someone that I care about? And I really think that
that's a cool thing, because what that
really means is that for each of us
that is struggling, there's five to 10 people
who just really want to help and support. And I truly believe
in the good in people. And that just shows
me that they're there, and they're wanting to support. And so just keep that
in mind, that people do want to hear from you. They do want to
know how to help. But often, they're
just afraid to say it. They don't know how to ask. They don't know what to say. And so the things that I'm
going to walk you through will give you a format
of how you can tell them about what's going on that's
helpful for both of you. And the first tip when
it comes to talking to friends and family
is to figure out what you want to tell them. That's the first thing
because it's about you. It's OK to be selfish right now. This is about you and what
you want them to know. So is it that you don't want
to share too much about it? Maybe you're afraid of what
they're going to think. Maybe you aren't sure. You don't have the
words to put to it yet. Maybe we haven't
seen a therapist yet, but we just want to tell
them a little bit about it. So consider that. Maybe I just want them
to know that there's a reason I can't go to
that party next weekend. Maybe that's the goal. Maybe I want to tell them
that the reason that I've been kind of distant is because
I'm just having a hard time. And I don't want them to
think it's about them. I want them to know
something's going on with me. So take some time, and consider,
what do you want to tell them? And before you go
doing anything, then-- and this is the most important-- what do they need to know? And I say this
because we're just starting a conversation here. I am the worst. I have what you call
verbal diarrhea. When I decide I'm going to
tell somebody something, I tell them everything, like
from the beginning to the end, from soup to nuts. I share. I'm an over-sharer. And that isn't always helpful,
because when you give somebody so much information,
they really can't digest it and say anything. I can't tell you how
many times I've tried to explain something to my mom. And I just do that, bleh. And then she's like, oh, OK. I'm going to have to
call you back, sis. And I'm like, perfect. I just overwhelmed
her with information, and I didn't get anything
that I needed out of it. So consider what
they need to know. It might just be, this is
the reason I can't do this, or I'm going to need you
to help me with the copay, or I'm going to need a
little more support at home, or I'm going to need
time off from work. We're going to
have to figure out what it is we need from them
and what they need to know. And then we're going to break it
down into three to five bullet points. That's for the verbal
diarrhea people like me. It keeps it short
and to the point. So let's say I was
having a really bad time with my depression. The three to five
bullet points could be I just wanted you to
know that I think I've been struggling
with some depressive symptoms, bullet
point number one. Just that's it. Bullet point number two. And that's why I haven't
really been that present. And I haven't been able
to meet up that much. And I haven't really
returned your calls or texts. So I want them to know
it's not about them. It's me. Then the third could be,
and so I just would really like you to be
understanding as I try to figure out what's best. That's it. Pretty simple. I think a lot of times even,
like I said, I overshare. So I think we
overthink it, and we feel like we have to give
them all this information. But just always remember,
this is just the beginning of a conversation. And these are conversations
that we want to keep having. These are things that we can
talk about more as we better understand ourselves
and as we get more comfortable communicating
that with others. So don't feel like you have
to have all the answers. You don't have to
know exactly what you need from them right away. But again, just
consider the fact that they're going to want
to know how they can help. So it helps if we think
about that ahead of time. If we're like, hey, I might
need them to help get me to and from this. I might need help financially. I might need them to watch
my kids while I do this. I might need them to help
me out with a project because I might have
to take some time off. It's best to have an idea
of what we need from them because they're going to ask. So at least be
prepared for that, because people want to help. Because I believe in
the good in people. And so that's really the
best way to go about it. Put that list together. And then, this is
going to sound weird, but I promise it will help. Practice saying it out loud. You can even put
your ear buds in. Nobody will even know that
you're talking to yourself. I'm sure people do
that all the time. So just put your ear buds in. You can do it on a walk. You can do it in your car. You can do it at home in front
of the mirror in the bathroom. You can do whatever, whenever. However you can create a
little safe environment where you can practice
saying it out loud, because there's this weird
thing that happens when we are nervous about something. We're nervous about the
way that we're going to communicate how we feel. The first time those
words cross our lips-- let's say it's depression. We're like, I think I'm
struggling with depression. We can get totally maxed out. We forget what
we're going to say. And then I'll revert
back to verbal diarrhea. I'll be like, I don't know. So it started a few weeks ago. And then I get way off track. I forget my bullet points. I forget what I need from them. Slow it down so
they can digest it. So if you practice saying it
out loud just a couple of times, you can even role
play in your mind what you think they'd say back. It can really help us feel
[SIGH] OK when we go to do it. We can feel like we know
what we're going to say. We are pretty sure we know
how they're going to respond, and we know exactly
what we need from them. We're just going to
stick to our points. And so practicing can
really, really help. And then just set up
a time and go do it. Don't do it in a
super stressful-- like at Thanksgiving dinner or
that one time when everybody's screaming. And your cousin has a dog
that's ran out of the house. And things are on the floor,
and the kids are crying. No. Try to pick a time
where it's pretty calm. You know what to expect. You can even meet up
with them on your own, or you could have them over for
lunch, or dinner, or something. Pick a nice time,
and then just say it, because friends and family
really do want to support. They really want to help. We just often-- myself
included-- give them way too much information or don't
give them enough information. So they don't know how to help. So then they keep trying to ask. And we're like, why
are you so nosy? They just want to help. They just want to support. And so if we practice,
then we can get it out in the right way. I know that was a
lot, and I don't like to talk too much
because I'm actually more interested in questions. So if you just woke up
from a nap, totally fine. I get it. You guys work long hours. But the key takeaways are
how to know if you need help is if you aren't able to get
what you need to get done each and every day. If it's just like a struggle. You're just white knuckling it. You don't feel like you're
functioning in your life. It's time to reach
out to someone. But also remember,
we can all benefit from seeing a therapist. There's no bar to entry. Then the second key
takeaway is that when picking a mental
health professional, the most important thing is
that you feel comfortable and understood by them. And then the third
takeaway, make sure your therapist
validates you, has you working
towards goals, and you feel like they're on your
side rooting for you. And then the final
is when it comes to telling friends and family,
keep it short and to the point. And tell them how
they can help you. I hope that was helpful. Thank you so much for having
me at this Google Talk. And now we'll take
some questions. [APPLAUSE] AUDIENCE: We have a
question in the Dory. It reads, in your
experience or opinion, does depression cause ADD? Or can ADD and its associated
impact cause depression? For someone experiencing
both, which would you recommend treating
more directly? KATI MORTON: I think,
I mean, there's a lot of questions about
which came first, the chicken or the egg kind of thing? Was it the depression? Was it the ADD? It can go both ways. I've had a lot of patients
that once we get one diagnosis, depression can come along
so easily with things because it can
take away our hope. We can think like, oh,
well now I'm just weird. And my brain works in a
totally different way. And that's why I'm just
struggling at work or school. And so it really would
depend on their own situation which came first. I would have them track
back to when they first started experiencing
the symptoms, and what were those symptoms? But I know that ADHD is often
misdiagnosed as other things. So my guess would be
that, but I don't know. And then I think as far
as treatment, whatever is the most debilitating. What symptoms are bothering
them day in and day out? Because they both
warrant treatment, and you'd be able to find
someone that can treat both. But definitely
consider which symptoms are the strongest and making
their days the most difficult. I know that's not like-- I don't give straight answers,
because everybody's different. So I'm sorry. AUDIENCE: What if the
therapist's only solution is medication and reassurance
but no real long term solution? KATI MORTON: Find another one. I mean, I know that
sounds kind of harsh, but there's so many
therapeutic techniques that can help people. For instance, I don't
see this patient anymore, but I used to have a
patient with schizophrenia. Which a lot of people would
say, oh, it's just medication. That's all that's
going to help them. But no, he also had
depression as a result of the schizophrenia. And the diagnosis was
really hard for him. And then it was
also relationships, because he had a
hard time relating with the people in his life. And then he felt
very disconnected. And so there are always tools. I would assume
either the therapist is, lazy because we're people. We're good and bad
at our jobs, too. Don't forget that. You can see someone that
cuts your hair perfectly, and the other person
just butchers it. And so therapists, they can
be bad at their jobs, too. Don't think that we have all the
answers, and we're all great. It's important for
you to feel it out. And a therapist should never
tell you, it's only medication. They should understand
your mental illness, and have tools, and help you
work through it, even just behaviorally. Even if it's like, I want you
to get more sleep at night and try to shower
a few more times, those are all really
helpful tools. So don't think that medication
is your only option. That's a bad therapist. AUDIENCE: So you talked
about how you could share that you need support. Can you talk more
about if you notice that someone is struggling,
and they haven't opened up, should we not say anything? Should we ask if they're OK? What are your suggestions? KATI MORTON: Yeah,
that's a great question. And I think that depends on
how close you are to someone. I think by and large, it helps
to just check in with people. The one thing that I've heard
from a lot of my viewers is that they just want
someone just to come by and be like, hey,
how are you doing? Or I've noticed you haven't
really been yourself, or you haven't been
at work or whatever. You can approach someone
and just say, hey, I'm just thinking of you. And I'm here if you need. We don't have to pry. There shouldn't be any judgment. Help can look like judgment
when it comes in the form of, well, maybe
you should just-- insert thing that they
think you should do. Maybe you should
just see a therapist, exercise, sleep
well, smile more. I don't know. People say all sorts
of crazy things when it comes to mental health. They're like, you just need
a smile more, like shower. I don't know, whatever they say,
that we don't want to do that. We just want to check in. We want to let them
know that we're there. And sometimes it's
just being there. If you know a close friend of
yours is really struggling, be like, I'm going
to bring pizza, and I'm just going to
watch Netflix with you. Is that cool? I'll be over. Sometimes that's all people
want is just someone there. We don't even necessarily
have to have a conversation. But just holding
off on the judgment. Offering to support
them, like, hey, if you ever need me
to take you anywhere, or you need help getting
help, if you want. If you want to see a
therapist, I'm totally down. I'm around. But just know that I care. And I know it can suck. A lot of people feel really
hopeless and helpless, like I don't know
what to do for them. But just remember that we
can't work harder than them. We all have to do it ourselves. We can't fix someone else. We can't make someone
else feel better, but we can support, let
them know that we love them, we care about them. And that's really where
we should try to support. Hi! AUDIENCE: Hi, Kati! It's so good to see you. KATI MORTON: So good to see you. AUDIENCE: Thanks for being here. KATI MORTON: Yeah, of course. AUDIENCE: So my question is
around the method of therapy. There are so many options
now, like Talkspace with text, video
call, in person. Is there any difference
between the effectiveness of any of these methods? KATI MORTON: I
haven't looked at-- I don't know if there's
any post hoc analysis. Do you know, Jessica? I mean, personally for me,
I'll give you my opinion. But I haven't read
research on this. In person is best because
there's so much that-- we all know, we can fake it. Trust me. I film videos on YouTube,
and 99.9% of the time, I'm wearing pajama pants. You have no idea. You only see me from here up. So I think of that in
relation to therapy, where I'm going to notice
if a patient is fidgeting a lot because I have
patients who sit on the very edge of the couch. And I'm like, relax. But those things will be lost
over Skype, let's say, or text, or email. I think it's better
than nothing. If people are in rural
parts of the country, or your work
schedule's so chaotic that you just don't have time, I
think it's better than nothing. And I do appreciate the
Talkspace and the BetterHelps and stuff in the world. But I think that
in-person is best, if you can make that happen. AUDIENCE: Thank you. AUDIENCE: Hi. KATI MORTON: Hi. AUDIENCE: So I have
some friends that really don't feel as if therapy
would be helpful to them at all. And they just feel like they
would have a really hard time opening up to someone else. What are your thoughts
on if there are actually people who wouldn't benefit
from therapy, just truly because they
couldn't communicate with a stranger
about their problems? Do you think there are
any other methods that could be effective? KATI MORTON: I mean, I
think it can help everybody. And I think people
will be surprised when you find the right fit. I talked about what to
look for in a therapist. If you take the time to find
someone you connect with, you'd be surprised
what you'll share and how quickly you can open up. And it's normal to feel
really nervous at first and be like, I don't want to-- I remember even my
dad would be like, I don't need to cry to a
stranger and pay them money. And I get that. But if you find the right
person, you can feel connected. But if someone is really
adverse to therapy in general, I do think there's a lot
of benefit in shared group activity with
other people, where you have group camaraderie. And you can communicate
with other people. One of the saving graces for
one of my viewers was to join-- it was a dog hiking club,
because she had a dog. And that was her pride and joy. And so she found a lot of help
and support from those people because then she had a group
of people where she could talk about what was going on. Because I think friends and
family are a great support, but if you don't
find yourself feeling like the weight that you're
carrying is lessened by that, then, I mean,
therapy is the best, but group activities
can be helpful, too. And you can do workbooks
on your own, too. I think those are
really helpful. There's a ton of great
workbooks out there. I even have them
if you just wanted to peruse through my
website, KatiMorton.com. I have an Amazon book
list that I keep of books that I use with my patients
for different issues, workbooks that I've even created
myself that are free. Or you can download
them in the iBookstore, if you want to pay for it just
to have it in that format. I think it's like $1. So workbooks can
be helpful, too. And that's a way you can
work on it on your own until maybe you're
ready to go to therapy. AUDIENCE: So I started going
to therapy for the first time recently. KATI MORTON: Yay! AUDIENCE: And when I started
telling friends, or co-workers, people in my life that
I was going to therapy. I was surprised
that a lot of them told me that they were
already seeing a therapist. KATI MORTON: People don't
always talk about it. AUDIENCE: Yeah. And I was surprised that I knew
so many people that had already been seeing a therapist. And I was surprised that
I didn't know about that. And I was also
like, oh, if I had known that, that probably
would've been helpful in maybe me going to
see a therapist sooner, or just the advice you had
about how to pick a therapist. So it led me to think more
about personally how I can help to normalize therapy. So I was curious if you have
techniques or things that you do to normalize it amongst
people you know or the world, I guess. KATI MORTON: Yeah. No, that's a great question. And I think that is
the unfortunate thing, is that people don't talk
about it, because the real best way to find a good
therapist is word of mouth because people tend to
think like you and know you. And if they really like theirs,
chances are you might, too. Let's say you see
a therapist, too-- just want to throw
this out there-- and you end up not liking them. You just don't click. You can tell them like, hey, do
you have any other referrals? Because I'm looking for
someone who's maybe softer, warmer, harder, more tough love. And we have tons of
referrals and people we've worked with
over the years. So it's OK to ask that, too. But to answer your
question, when we're in conversation
with other people, I think it's really important
that we just bring it up in casual conversation. Even Laura and I were talking
earlier, and I was like, yeah, something I'm working on
in therapy is just hard. Because I didn't realize that
I don't know how to express angular healthfully, because
it feels really out of control. And I don't like it. And I'm like, ugh. And I think those
are conversations that we could have without
leading with, in therapy I'm doing, or whatever. Or if somebody's
noticing change in you, that's a great time to
be like, yeah, thanks. I've been in therapy. It's been really helpful. Cool. I think that's a
casual thing as well. I think just the more we can
all talk about how we feel, how seeing someone can
help us feel better, people will be less-- we won't
be as scared-- bless you-- we won't be as scared to
reach out on get help. But I just think in casual
conversation, as it applies. I wouldn't go out of our
way to share about it. But if someone in your life is
hurting, you could come to them and say like, hey,
I've just noticed you're having a tough time. Be like, therapy's really
been helpful to me, if you ever need any referrals. Or I could tell you who
I'm seeing if that helps. And put it out there that way. I think there's just some
nice ways to plant seeds. But just know that we can't
make it grow into a tree. We can just plant the seeds. You know what I mean? AUDIENCE: Yeah. awesome. Thank you. KATI MORTON: It's awfully tall. AUDIENCE: Other
than word of mouth, are there any good resources
that you would recommend to find a therapist
or, more importantly, find a therapist that you
think is best for you? KATI MORTON: Yeah. I mean, there's a
couple of things, like it's OK when you call. Here, I'll start
at the beginning. Sorry. I'm like, that's too far ahead. So the best way
is word of mouth, but also just going
through your insurance and getting a list of providers. And then we take
to the internet, because almost any therapist
these days would have at least a website, at least. Not all of them do. Like maybe the old
fuddy-duddies don't. But most people have at
least a website with a photo. And through how they
write their bio out, because everybody
writes their own bios, and they have a photo, you
can get a feel for them. And so I would
encourage you to pick three that seem kind of nice. I picked my therapist. I got a couple names. I think I had
three or four names from my previous therapist
who was retiring. And my therapist had a-- I don't know-- kind of a
hippy dippy looking website. And I was like, ooh,
I already like this. But that's just me. And so get a feel
for it that way. And then make a few calls. And based on when they
call you and the message they leave, just trust your gut
when it comes to that stuff. But I always say insurance
lists are best because they give you so many in your area. And also know, then the thing
I was going to say also, is if you kind of have an
idea of what it is, like, oh I feel-- I think it might be anxiety, or
I think it might be depression, or I think it might
be an eating disorder or whatever you think it
might be, ask them straight up like, have you ever
treated someone with-- insert thing. And gauge how well
you like their answer. I know it sounds bad, but
you can be judgmental. It's your treatment. Find somebody that's
a good fit for you. And then there's also-- Vitals is a website
where people leave reviews for medical
professionals as a whole. There's some
therapists on there. Also, even Yelp
has some reviews. But google them. Do your sleuthing. And also know that people are
more apt to leave a bad review than a good review. But it at least gives you an
idea of what the problem was. And I wish-- someone
needs to create a review site for therapy because
there just isn't one. But those are the
ones that I know of. In "Psychology
Today," also there's a lot of therapists
in that, too. AUDIENCE: Thank you. AUDIENCE: I always feel myself
trapped and upset feeling. And it is so hard
for me to get out of it even if I understand
fully that the situation is not very bad. I always need my
friends, family, partner to console me and pull me out. I don't want to depend
so much on other people. How can I help myself? KATI MORTON: There's a
lot of things you can do. And this is going
to sound weird, but whenever we
feel hopeless, or we feel like we're getting
sucked into something, and we feel trapped, we have
to work on our confidence. I know that sounds
really weird, but it's like the "I believe
I can" feeling, that when we feel
like total garbage, we don't have that "I
believe I can feeling." We're like, I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. That's all we hear. And so if you can start
your day off with one thing that you like about
yourself or one thing you're grateful for
in your situation, and if one is really
easy, let's try for three. And so building that
up will really help us feel more able to
do it ourselves. And then, when it comes to
what's helped you in the past-- because you can be a detective. So if something is helping, if
friends and family are helping and their support helps pull you
out, what it is that they do? Be a total sleuth on this. What is it that they say,
or what is it they do? How do I feel that helps
me get out of that? What is it? And then see if you can do it
for yourself, because there's a lot of things that we can do
ourselves that we honestly just don't even know that
that's what it is. Do you know what I mean? It's like, for
instance, my mom, she'll say like, yeah, I hear you. I hear you. She says that a lot. And that makes me
feel validated. And then I'm like, [SIGH]
I wasn't being crazy, even if I was. But it just feels good. And so if that's what
it is, then maybe it's a mantra you say to yourself,
like yeah, that how you feel is real. How you feel is warranted. That was a bad situation. Trying to validate
yourself can sometimes give you that power
that maybe you're getting from your supports
that helps lift you out. So be a detective
to figure out what it is that's helping you
pull yourself out, and see if you can do it for yourself. AUDIENCE: If you could
think of one thing that Google could do to help
people with mental illness, what would it be? KATI MORTON: Do they
have therapists on site? That would be my number
one recommendation because you guys work
a lot of hours, I know. And there's a lot
that's asked of you. And so I think that being
something you can easily weave into your weeks
without any issue would be really nice, making
a point of seeing a therapist. Do you have multiple
therapists or just one or two? OK, cool. AUDIENCE: We have a
couple of therapists here a couple days
during the week. KATI MORTON: OK. So maybe just increasing their
hours, because a lot of you are going to ask. We're going to talk to somebody,
and then we'll need them more. But yeah, I think that that's
a really great resource. Also, having EAPs. I don't know, because
I don't all of your-- I'm sure you guys
have all that stuff. But EAPs stand for Employee
Assistance Programs. And that is essentially free
therapy, and you should use it. It's amazing. That's the one thing I miss
about working at the hospital system. Oh, EAPs. I have to pay cash
for my therapist now. Damn it. So those are great. And then also just I think
companies as a whole, it's the overall
feeling and support that people can get
from taking breaks. And I know we all
need to work more. And we have perfs, and all
this stuff is happening. It's like, I'm
always being judged, and I need to do better. And I want to get
this promotion. I think rewarding taking
a break, in some ways, would be helpful when needed. And it's almost like maybe
forced vacation days, like this two days every two
months or something, somebody has to take this time off. Because I was talking to-- actually, someone at YouTube-- Malik Ducard the other day. Such a nice guy. And he was talking about how his
friend was an Olympic athlete. I know. Crazy. And he was like, his friend was
telling him the huge difference between people who medal in
the Olympics and people who don't-- because they all
arguably compete at this crazy, intense level. The difference between
medaling and not medaling are the ones that know
when to take a break and when to let their body heal. And I think that that's a really
powerful, powerful message, especially when it
comes a mental health. From us doing great and
feeling on top of the world, crushing life, and surviving,
white knuckling it, is knowing when to take breaks. And I'm just as
guilty as you guys. Just because I'm a therapist
doesn't mean that I do better. It just means I know better,
which sometimes is worse. And so just allowing
people to take breaks because I think that
really can make the difference. AUDIENCE: But what about
Google not as an employer, but as a platform for the world? KATI MORTON: Oh yeah. YouTube as a whole? I mean, I might have a lot
of thoughts about that. That's its own talk. I think that YouTube as a
whole has really supported the, it's OK to be weird, it's OK to
talk about your issues thing. And I think that's what
makes YouTube so amazing. But I think as a creator
with mental health content, it's so hard to monetize. So it's really hard
for new people of-- because I'm not going
to work for everybody. There's going to be-- like I'm blonde-haired. I'm a white girl. I was born and raised
in Washington State. I have a feel to me. And just like we're
talking about therapists are all different. And there should be
a lot of different me's in a lot of
different avenues that come from a lot of
different backgrounds so that everybody feels
heard and understood. And if they can't monetize,
they can't live on YouTube. And I worry about that
because I definitely have my ins because I've
been on the platform for almost eight years. But the new people--
like there's a therapist, she just started out. I think she's out of Atlanta. She's great, but
I'm sure she's-- most of her stuff, I never
see ads on her videos. She's been at it for six months. But that's really
the main issue, because I think
the more that we're able to monetize educational,
helpful information, the more we can live
on the platform. Cool? Thank you so much
for your attention. I hope it was helpful. If you have any
follow up questions, I'm all over social media. I do my best to answer
as much as I can. I have tons of videos. So if you have a question,
just YouTube Kati Morton. Insert question that you have. And yeah, thanks for coming. [APPLAUSE]
