Joyce Meyer: Insecure People Try to Control Others | FULL EPISODE | Better Together on TBN

but i'm just really encouraging you if you are in a relationship where you are being controlled in a demonic way yeah you need to pray this through and get the strength from god yeah to start confronting it [Music] of course my father controlled me when i was growing up and through that control sexually abused me and i was so i mean i grew up in absolute i don't remember ever remember anything but fear and so he used that fear to control me and it was so hard to break free of that and so i left home when i was 18. of course that was a break from that but then i fell into a pattern of and i remember basically two instances in particular where when i would be around anybody that had a personality like his i would come under that again and so i i worked for somebody in a church that also had that controlling strong personality and i've felt like if i didn't do everything they wanted me to do that i would lose my opportunity to minister and that was so important to me and when i finally broke free from that i was complaining to god and like it's just not right that he controlled me all these years and see we get mad at the people who mistreat us but we're equally as guilty if we don't confront very good and confrontation is so hard [Music] for most everybody but for some people it is really really really hard and you just you know as far as how do you break free from controlling power you have to confront it whether that's going to somebody and say look i know this is just as much my fault as yours yeah but i feel like that you know you're controlling me you're manipulating me you're making all my decisions for me and things have to change if we're going to stay in relationship you have to know when you confront something like that that whoever you're confronting they will get mad yeah they will not like it and you will have to stand your ground and it's you know fear is a terrible thing my mother didn't do anything about the abuse that she knew was going on with my father and to be honest it was actually harder for me to forgive her than it was him sure because it's it's hard still to think how can a mother know that her husband is sexually abusing her daughter and not doing anything about it but but here's here's an interesting thing it was 30 years after it happened before she ever apologized to me but she said i'm sorry for what i let your father do to me and listen to this she said i didn't think [Music] that i could take care of you and your brother well i didn't think yeah that i can make it on my own wow and so her thoughts her wrong thoughts wow kipper practically destroyed me did end up destroying my brother who sad to say committed suicide and uh and it was all based on fear she just ruined her whole life because she was afraid of him and she would not confront him and so it is very its control is a type of witchcraft yes it's it's demonic yes from the word go and you should not allow yourself to get into relationships that are controlling that's why boundaries are so important yes if you haven't read henry clown's book henry cloud john townsend's book on boundaries you need to get it because very good if we're going to have safe relationships we have to have boundaries and that means you know this is acceptable but this isn't and i i don't know it's been probably seven or eight years ago now i realized that i had a lot of one-sided relationships where i did all the giving and the other people did all the taking and i just decided i'm not doing it anymore yeah i'll have no friends before i will have friends yeah where we're going to respect one another yes and it's not going to be all one-sided i was engaged when i was 21 and it was my early college years and you know there's one thing to be under a controlling person it's another thing when that controlling person actually knows the word of god doesn't understand it but but misuses the word of god and they use the word to control you and to hold you under it and it was such a difficult thing to break free from because i'd already decided before i ever even knew that he was interested in me that he was the dream like that was he he he checked all the boxes of the thing that looked like it was the right thing and then all of a sudden it was like wait he's paying attention to little me like he actually likes me and then you start believing well you ignore the signs um because you think well this i can make this work whatever it is he needs me to be or however i need to change myself or whatever i need to do which is why i started sticking my finger down my throat and why i started you know doing things that were destroying my body because i was trying to be some sort of ideal for somebody that i had no business even being in a relationship with and i had decided that that was more important to listen to what it was that he was saying than to listen to what it was that god was saying and i i think because i was in something that i shouldn't have been in i couldn't hear that still small voice anymore i couldn't recognize that still small voice of the holy spirit trying to say hey red flag waving it you know you need to break that off i was waiting for somebody else to step in and miraculously do it and sometimes we have to actually just make that decision this is toxic this is wrong and you have to just learn how to no matter what it's going to cost me or how bad it's going to hurt i'm going to do what i know i'm supposed to do because god's going to take care of me once i do and i thank god that i i did but for me it wasn't just i'm breaking it off and staying i actually left town like i had to move away that is why i joined that singing group i've talked so often about i literally got on a bus and left town and that's what some of you actually need to do that are under a a controlling relationship it isn't going to be enough just to say hey i've got to get out of this and then you just kind of go about your life as usual some of you are going to have to get on a bus and get out of town you're going to have to get away from what that is that's controlling you yeah i wasn't smart enough to say right i don't before i said i do you know what i'm saying so now i was caught in it and i wasn't allowed to get the mail from the mailbox i wasn't allowed to go anywhere without asking i had to you know i dressed a certain way held myself a certain way and in public i said bless god and i'm you know blessed and highly favored how are you doing i'm you know god is good all the time all the time god is good the and and the monitors are true but they didn't see the other side of the home you know what i'm saying and so um there's a lot of fear there you know i remember even after it was over i couldn't even sleep for a while because if i'd hurt if i'd hear uh the water drip in the the bathroom or if i'd hear the toilet you know the water come back on it would just send shocks of fear through me because i was like he's gonna wake up he's gonna get me he's gonna he wasn't even there anymore so you know so you there are things that really happened and so it was the lord that had to deliver me but it took time it wasn't just uh you know some things are miraculous and god will snap his finger and it's over but other things are processed they take healing it takes months and sometimes years of counseling and talking about it and seeing that everything is not that every relationship is not like that before you gain confidence oh okay that this is something new i can trust it i can relax in the lord in this that he's going to take care of me yes what are some signs from anybody let's help these people know if they're even beginning to get in because you know you can straighten it out quicker in the beginning because if you stand up for yourself people will respect you yeah right when you let people control you to be honest there's a part of them that wishes that you would have some guts and tell them to shut up yeah so what are some of the signs to watch for when someone is trying to change who you are you're not good enough there's a difference between constructive criticism and tearing down yeah and my husband can give me constructive criticism but he doesn't tear me down he builds me up even when he's constructively criticizing i might not like it in the moment but i realize that what he's doing is he's building me up he's building me up he's building me up in the word he's building me up with truth and i think that part when you're in any kind of relationship where you are constantly being torn down or feeling like you're not enough or feeling like i remember the line he used to always use on me not he my husband but he that shall not be named um he used to always say well you're almost almost good enough you're out almost and that word almost was so destructive in my life of that you're almost because it sounds like he's kind of telling you that you're kind of good at this but you're almost good enough and you always feel exactly you know that exactly and you feel like well that almost said if you're in any kind of relationship um and it's it's funny because this is a fine line of you know in a day and age that we're living in where everybody's talking about church abuse right of being um misused and mistreated and church heard and the truth is there has been some legitimate church abuse or abuse from this or abuse from that but every time you serve just because you volunteered and you've served for 12 hours is not church abuse right like there's a difference between saying okay they didn't put me on the front of the stage and so my feelings are hurt they didn't use me in the way i thought it needed to be used that's not what we're talking about right yeah you know it's it's there's a there's a difference and we're in a day and age right now where everybody is all of a sudden finding their voice yeah of being able to speak up and we want you to speak up in a toxic environment if you're in a toxic relationship but it's not just because you didn't get what you want yeah right you know i think some of the signs are if you're not able to disagree without getting in trouble in a healthy way in a healthy way in a healthy way so not just in a smart alley but just like you know if you're not able to voice that if you're not able to um if you're being controlled in like what you wear what you say and not that there's because like you said critiques let me say the babe you know you might be showing too much of your treasures in that right there like you look good but i don't want you that's different than what i'm saying but it's different than no you can never uh no no no no no like there we know when we're being confined we're not able to be free to be ourselves when you're not able to talk with other people anymore when my father didn't want my mother to have any friends so yeah that's yes yeah alienated um so there are a lot of red flags like that or if they're putting their hands on you the one i was talking about when we were dating before we said i do we were disagreeing about something i don't know what it was but before i knew it he had his hand around my neck and i was up against the wall yeah you know but he also knew the scripture and he knew how to all of a sudden say i'm so sorry please forgive me you know and you know i promise i won't do it again and then after i said i do and i still married him he was like i promise i'm gonna love you this time like christ loved the church and gave himself for him like i had a great upbringing my dad was great mom was great no drama growing up he had a lot of drama from the time he was born so i thought well i can even the scales i can balance i'll give him some of my good take some of his back it'll be fine but it doesn't work like that you know and i wish i had the wisdom then to say i i can't work everything together for my good only god can you know but i cannot be god or the holy spirit in somebody else's life even though i may have a heart for them you know and so i don't think there's too much worse than being in a controlling relationship yes because you you can't you can't be a god pleaser and a man pleaser no yeah and we're going to all stand before god one day and give an account of our life and just saying well they controlled me he's not going to get it no no no because god expects us to stand up against things yeah that are wrong yeah and not right yeah and like growing up i mean you ate what my dad wanted to eat he went to bed when he wanted to go to bed you watched what he wanted to watch on tv i mean there was there was no everything was he called around what he wanted there was never any consideration of anybody else he would get mad if my mother would try to go to church he just it was just ridiculous he gave her very little money just i think like two dollars a week was her allowance or something and and uh he beat her up on a regular basis go out and get drunk come home and beat her and she just put up with that because that's what women thought they were supposed to do now they've kind of come out on the other side yeah with a bad attitude it's like well bless god nobody's gonna ever do anything can he look at him yeah he can't even don't don't try don't try to tell me anything yes and that's that's wrong too so people need to to find balance but i'm just really encouraging you if you are in a relationship where you are being controlled in a demonic way yeah you need to pray this through and get the strength from god yes to start confronting it you guys were talking about relationships but i i feel like for me because of my lack of self because i was you know a broken kid and i didn't get that affirmation from my family i looked for it in my spiritual family and didn't understand at the time because again i thought that i would never amount to and measure up to being like these people and i'm just going to do everything they say because their life is perfect my home life wasn't and so you know i'm going to give everything and i served and i did everything but i didn't realize that i was being controlled and um and so when we do talk about church church abuse you know there was some of that but i don't hate the church now and i don't hate god and i don't hate jesus and i don't i'm now pastor of the church because we i allowed god to heal me but i think those signs of what you're saying can happen in spiritual relationships as well it's just you're not free to be yourself right and you're conditioned to think a certain way and just the shaming the constant shaming and so again just feeling so scared and then just feeling i'll never measure up so i'll just do and i was the ultimate people pleaser because of that right just disgusting to the point where i used to even push my husband aside to please these people over here and my poor husband's like you answer to them more than you answer to me and it was a very unhealthy relationship and so it was that time but like you said you have to confront it and so once i allowed jesus to heal my heart and i forgave and let go and realized i did have have to go and have that conversation and it's scary and it didn't go well and it didn't go well for a number of years but you know the vindication of god several years later god's turned that thing around for good he was able to redeem that relationship now will i go park myself in there again no but there's health there but you you have to stand up for yourself because i think you do have a responsibility to do what is right in god's eyes people that are controllers they're not strong they're very weak people yes they're insecure and they're weak and that that's how they feel they get their importance by controlling other people and when when i had the church situation that i was letting myself be controlled in when i did confront it the first thing i heard was who do you think you are well that in itself yes tells you there's a big problem yes because this person thought they were superior to everybody else and the only people who think that are those who really are very insecure it's like it's a weird thing it just kind of comes out you know crazy but you just have to realize that yes we want to please people we want to make people happy but you can't you have to be free to follow the guidance and the leadership of the holy spirit absolutely and if you're not i went to a church for a period of time that was it was during something called a shepherding movement i don't know if you've ever heard of that but it was it got so bad that if you wanted to sell your house you had to go and get the the pastor and his wife's permission they had they had to feel that it was god wow in order for you to do that it is so much responsibility there was such ridiculous things going on and the thing that's so sad is that church was full of people that are now in full-time ministry that have great ministries ours was one of them and that church had everything it needed to be one of the greatest churches in the world and it was totally destroyed i mean no longer exists wow because these people wanted to control everything that went on and uh it's just you have to realize that it's wrong it's not god and you know like we want to pray it away we want a miracle but you got to confront you yeah and a lot of times people say well i'm just praying i'm waiting on god he's waiting for you you better make sure you're not just avoiding that's right that's right by just avoiding your responsibility to stand up to it and take your part of the responsibility because like god said to me yeah some of it was us 100 it's actually scary because that's the place why i didn't want to be in ministry again because i didn't but that's why it's like you have to be so secure in yourself so that you do lead with love and freedom and honor and there's no control because there's nothing worse but but it's true it's insecurity breeds control and control is absolutely abusive and it has to stop and it's um it's it's it's not good and i've been there done that and will not be a part of it again that's good yeah that's great and i think too you know i love the part of your story where you confronted i don't love it for you in the moment but i love it for people to hear because it didn't go well you confront it because actually when you confront a controlling person it usually doesn't go well but it's still there i think it's just important to stay is say in this day we live in that the way to confront it is not to blast it on social media yes yeah the way to confront it is not to go to other people and blast it it is a coward's way of confronting it and we're seeing a lot of that in our culture in this moment so the way to do it is to go to the person that is controlling you and it's probably not going to go well yeah but it's still but god in the end yes we'll turn it around for you guys absolutely i remember when when i first started getting speaking engagements and my ministry was growing people would say well god told us that you're supposed to come and speak oh my gosh he's going to fight with god so you know i i was i was saying yes to so many things that i made myself literally physically sick and because i wouldn't say no i didn't didn't want to say no and finally i got to the point where when people said well god told us i'd say well he didn't told me yeah yeah until he get the memo until he tells me yes you know i'm not you have to follow the leadership that's it of the holy spirit and so often gives you people i got into that people pleasing yeah in a in a church situation yep whole different church not the yeah i've had a lot of church problems i wanted to be in the important group because i was insecure and the only way to get into that important group was to get friendly and accepted by this one woman who kind of controlled everything and i you know i played up to her and did everything i could and finally got her friendship and boy we were part of the group and you know what when i was baptized in the holy spirit and god called me to teach they were the first ones to reject me and tell me that i was out of the group and so the way you get in the group is the way you're going to have to leave just stay there right yes you're going to you're going to get tired of it you know i think that's why it's so important to when you finally realize that i am living for the audience of one right and it doesn't really matter what anybody says except god i find myself sitting here today going man i'm naturally a fighter on the inside i am a scrapper on the inside i got it from my daddy you know and i know that there were times that it was church abuse i guess i i guess i had that in a few i was trapped in a pastor's office by the guy who was their special speaker that type of stuff you know a few times in relationships i should have never been in and um but for the saving grace of god thank you and i love what you said it did not make me hate the church that's right you know what everyone will stand before god for themselves yeah and that's the thing with people pleasing i think you are so scared of rejection i think my whole issue was rejection that was my my brokenness and so i did anything to not be rejected it was like please pick me prick me until i had a revelation that i am not a reject i am a daughter of the king therefore i am accepted i am i am i'm royalty so you can reject me but i will not feel the rejection anymore and people pleasing just went out the door in jesus name i've heard that people work harder at trying to not be rejected than they do at healthy relationships yeah i would agree with that i would agree because they can measure it like medically they can measure it on equipment and when you're rejected it measures the same the pain level measures the same as if you were physically injured wow yeah that's how painful rejection is and i don't i don't think we even know all the dancing around in games we play sometimes to keep just from getting rejected yeah father we thank you for beginning to teach us what we need to know and i pray that you would give people that are being controlled courage yes to begin to confront it yeah and to start backing out of those controlling relationships even if the relationship has to end yes sometimes there are necessary endings yeah and so show people what they should do teach them guide them but i pray that they would no longer live under the control and the manipulation amen of somebody who's just using them thank you for helping them we love you in jesus name amen amen [Music] at tbn our mission is to use every available means to reach as many individuals and families as possible with the life-changing gospel of jesus christ thank you for helping make the gospel of grace go around the world without you we couldn't do it god bless you

Channel: TBN

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Keywords: joyce meyer, joyce meyer 2022, joyce meyer battlefield of the mind, Boundaries, Fear & Control, Healthy Relationships, healthy boundaries, creating boundaries in relationships, people pleasing, people pleaser, confrontation, Criticism, healthy boundaries in relationships, controlling relationships, toxic relatioships, setting boundaries, women support women, tbn, trinity broadcasting network, trinity broadcasting network live, tbn live, matt crouch, t8b2n6, 8t2b6n, tbn826, 826tbn, hope

Id: eECDi23VyOE

Length: 25min 30sec (1530 seconds)

Published: Fri May 20 2022