JOWLS (JAWS parody from Carol Burnett)

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( voice-over )<i> Somewhere in the uncharted sewers of the city</i> <i> lives a creature who, for thousands of years,</i> <i> has defied evolution.</i> <i> A perfect eating machine</i> <i> whose habits are virtually unknown to scientists</i> <i> anwhose tacks</i> are totally unedictable. <i> Practically l that is known about him</i> <i> is that for no apparent reason,</i> <i> and with no logic whatsoever,</i> <i> he sometimes makes his way</i> <i> through the pipes of apartment houses,</i> <i> consuming everything</i> <i> that gets in the way of his voracious jowls.</i> ( gasps, screams ) <i>( s)</i> This is Hunter Wheatly, Channel 6 News, standing in front of the seemingly innocent Brownstone, which, since this morning has been riddle with rumors of a killer sewer shark running rampant through the plumbing. With me is the superintendent of the building, Wally Fuhrman. And Miss, uh... Helen Wills-Fishfinder. I'm with e City Water Department, Plumbing Disasters Divisn. Could you tell us something about this so called "sewer sharkT. Well, now, just a minute. Hold on just a mine, now. Now, this happens to be a rumor. Now, I'm not clong down my apartment building just because of some lousy rumor. Rumor? I inspected Mrs. Morgan's bathtub myself, and this was all I found: a half-eaten rubber duck. Uh... Okay, there was a fish, but, uh, we happen to have caught that fish at ate Mrs. Morgan. As a matter of fact, I got it right here. That could not possibly be the fish that ate Mrs. Morgan. Are you kidding? Listen to this. ( burps ) Well, that does it. I'm closing this building down before the sew shark strikes again. Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not so fast here, now hold everything. Now, I've sent for the one guy who can handle this whole problem. Quint. He's the great Roto-Rooter man. You mean the one with the silver plunger? That's right. He'lbe here any moment - int, by golly. - Oh, he's coming. ( people murmuring ) ( scr) This is Hunter Wheatly signing off. policeman: All right, let's break it up, huh Move along. Move along. So, it's a plumbing problem you got, huh? Muste a ba if you called for ol' Quint. It's all right; I like 'em bad. All right now, just what is the problem? A sewer shark. All right. Come on, let's hit that porcelain. ♪ Oh, I love to go plumbing ♪ ♪ Where the water is running ♪ ♪ To play a ring around the tub ♪ ( laughs ) All right. - Hold this a minute. - All right. This ought to take care of the devil. How're you gonna get it to come up? Bait. Hand me one of them worms in that can there. Oh. Eww. Ah. Ick. - Eww. - Yuck. Well, what do we got here? Sissies for a crew? Better turn your bac while I hook him up. Yuck. All right. Stand by. You better strap me in. That's it. Ahh. ( humming ) Now what? We wait. We wait for him to take the bait. ( humming ) What's that scar you got there? Where? Here? That's a boo-boo. How'd you get that? Ofthe Florida Keys in '44. Me and this little lass I met in a bar there were out fishing for shark. We were out there for three days when it hit. The shark? No, the wife. Came right on board and bit me in the leg. Uh, you know something? I lost a girlfriend to the sharks. - Yeah? - Yeah. Out in Hawaii. She was sitting on the front of a sailboat, jumped off a tried to swim to shore. Got about 40 yds to shore and then a big white hit her. She'd have made it, too, if s hadn't been wearing her good-luck ham. Shh. It's coming. Man the harpoons. ( indistinct shouting ) I lost him. You see the size of that thing. Boy, if we're gonna catch him, we're gonna need a bigger toilet. Qut, this no ordinary shark. You're right. Any shark that cank can't be fooled with. That does it. I'm closing down this building right now. You're what? You're not going anywhere! Nobody leaves this room. That srk is mi. ( gulps ) ( coughs ) Let me help you here. ( flushing ) - You were running a bit there. - Yeah. - Thanks, mate. - Right. So now what do we do? We gotta use bigger bait. We need something short, fat and stupid. Well, now wait a minute, you can't get me down there with a killer shark. - Just hold th. Huh, but I... All right. Get in the tub. Oh, couldn't we talk this over? No. Let's go. I'll get him. I'll get him, now come on, you devil. Come on, take that bait. Take that bait, you devil. Take it, come on. Shh. It's und the bathroom. Open that drain. Yah! ( grunting and screaming ) I'll get you, you devil. Come on, you monster. There's only one thing to do now. - What? - Have you got some dynamite? - Right, right in there. - Okay. How are yogonna get it in there? I'll get it; don't you worry. You just pull him in. - Pull him in. - All right. Reel him in. Come on up, you dog. Okay. Say, I... Hmm? Okay. ( explosion ) - We did it. - We did it? We did it, Quint! I've never seen such heroism in my life. Oh, no, you werehe hero. Oh, no, I did my share, but you were the real hero. No, no, I insist. Quint: Oh, I've never seen anything like it. You might have bruised your little finger by putting that dynamite in there. Helen: It was you. Quint: Really? Say, why don't you and I go out together? Okay. ( explosion )
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Channel: Mike Rogers
Views: 694,743
Rating: 4.8456697 out of 5
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Id: iKcoS1m3b2Y
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 11min 5sec (665 seconds)
Published: Mon Aug 03 2015
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