The comedian whose first job was selling ice creams... I bet he made hundreds and thousands: it's James Acaster! James, you're first up I once spent the night in a bush in Basingstoke David's team? - That's a true. -Yeah! Definitely! Why were you spending the night in a bush in Basingstoke? - I missed my train Where do you live? - Uh, well at the time I lived in Kettering in Northamptonshire, rose of the Shires Why didn't you go to a luxury hotel? Well David at the time I had no money in my wallet at all. And my phone was dead I had no way of contacting anyone. - That certainly adds up. - Why a bush? Why not a bench or like somewhere warmer than a bush? - Well... - Is a bench warmer than a bush? Absolutely not!
- I would have though a bench is definitely colder than a bush. It's more exposed. There's an old saying: You're warmer in a bush than on a bench So where was the bush? Paint the picture. - It was right in front of the train station and there was like a little like Pickup point for taxis and stuff and then it went down a little bit to the road and then right in front of the road... Just a load of bushes
- So you didn't look for a long time for a particularly comfy spot I'll level with you David the amount of time it took me to decide to sleep in the bush was embarrassingly short Was it!? Now that does surprise me. It was a quick decision? You've missed your train and you go 'right, that's it and you immediately... like, 14 seconds later, you're snoring. - Well I actually didn't get to sleep, it was scary. I was freezing Actually, even though it was a nice roomy bush.
- Can you remember the shape of the leaves? It was like small little Basingstoke leaves
- Individual leaves? Yeah
- Variegated? Ha-ahh. Okay. You have to explain what that word means It means they're sort of umm... There's a sort of white bit on the outside, I think
- I wasn't paying attention to the leaves I had bigger problems at the time. I wasn't sitting in the bush going "one day I may have to justify this entire experience on 'Would I Lie to You?', I better memorize the leaves and whether they're Gentrified or whatever you said You'd settle down in the bush Yeah And you're lying there, but it's cold
- Oh I'm sitting there Sitting in the bush?
- Sitting there, cross-legged and cold. I had a t-shirt on How are you gonna go to sleep sitting?
- I was scared! What were you scared of? It's Friday night in Basingstoke. They were hoodlums around
- All you had on was a t-shirt And Jeans
-And jeans, of course. Yes I still feel like the bench is warmer So did anybody hear you in the bush and come investigate?
- At one point they did At one point some hoodlums stopped outside the bush. They said "you know what we haven't done in awhile... We haven't beaten someone up in a while" That's how they speak David, bullies speak like that to each other! And I was in the bush. And at the time I was wearing a red dress What did you say, what?
- I was wearing a dress by now Why, you said you were in a t-shirt Originally, I was in a t-shirt and then I had to put a dress on Why did you put a dress on?
- It was cold Where'd you get a dress?
- I had it in a bag I was making a short film and I had to buy the wardrobe for the cast Youre in the bush. The hoodlums had moved on, they didn't beat you up.
- I tricked them, I put the bag over my head You seriously put the bag over your head?
- Yeah, put yourself in my shoes They're saying they want to beat someone up. If they look down and see me, wearing a dress, it'll be like Christmas So I put the bag over my head. And now if they look down they'll think "someone's left a bag... and a dismembered body..."
- Hang on! "in a bush" People at home don't put bags on your heads Let's go back to the temperature of this bush now You said you went into the dress for warmth but surely the jeans and t-shirt were warmer than a dress I dont think, I think to be fair, I don't think he took the jeans and t-shirt off Oh, so it's double! He didn't slip out of the jeans and the t-shirt, fold them up nicely, at the time, and then get the dress and put it on and go "Ahh, I look wonderful." He wasn't doing that By the end of the night he's wearing the jeans the t-shirt the dress And the bag!
- And the bag! May I just say It's lucky this didn't happen to Melvin because, if so, he'd have been on a bench, wearing a dress and nothing else Let's go for a guess is he telling the truth Mel? What do you think? - I think, looking at James, I can believe that he could put on a dress, with a bag, over his jeans and t-shirt. But a man that picks a bush over a bench, I can't trust So on that basis it's a lie Fay?
- I've got to absolutely say it's true True?
- I'm believing every element really I'm gonna go "true"
- True... Saying true, right. James? Was it true, or was it a lie? It's... true! Yes, it's true. James did once spend the night in a bush in Basingstoke At school, I used to regularly pay my friend to clean my rubbers Don't you rub a dirty rubber against a clean piece of paper and it sort of cleans itself That's like saying why do you need to clean a car? You just wipe it all over and it cleans itself! Okay! 10 years. 10 years of this kind of bullying What's it gonna be?
- Look, the thing is... During my one, which was true, I started thinking it was a lie So, I don't... I haven't got a clue any more. I actually kind of think it sounds true But then for that reason I want to say it's a lie You've been a big help. Thank you So, please welcome this week's special guest, Mick This is Nick and I deliberately tripped him up during the wheelbarrow race at my son's sports day This is Mick and for six months, he was my sworn enemy when a practical joke got out of hand I could feel, you know, these horrible thoughts coming into my mind, you know: "we could take him out", you know, we could... You were thinking: "We should take him out"? Who would you like to speak to next? - Okay James. So Mick became your sworn enemy because of a practical joke? - That got out of hand That got out of hand?
- Yes So what was the practical joke or prank? - First of all, I'll say for the record before we carry on: I hate this boy I've nothing but contempt for him. and I'm furious he's got on this show How do you think I feel, I can only see him every second Friday! So, what was the what was the practical joke James?
- He put... cabbage leaves in my bed! How did he get in your room? I was staying at his house
- On a sleepover, how old are you? Few years ago
- Yeah, well he wouldn't have been born He was 9
- And you were what, 31? I was what, 28? 29?
- And how do you know him? I know his dad. He's He's his son And you were staying at their house? - Yes
- Why did he put cabbage leaves... Why, what is... why is that a thing?
- Well, it's not a thing until he started doing it Yeah There's something severely wrong with him. I don't know why he started... pulling this kind of stunt
- So you say "Started" doing it What do you mean "started"? This is one occasion? Oh, is it!?
- Well I don't know This is the first of many David. I say got out of hand, I do not use those words lightly! So you regularly stay at the house of... Oh no! Oh! this little man Does not restrict these pranks to his own house He has no respect for anyone's privacy, and will cross any boundaries available to him. I hate him with all my heart So he initially put cabbage leaves in the bed you were sleeping in when you were... TRUE!
- ...staying at his father's And then subsequently... he has followed you and put cabbage leaves in other places you've been sleeping? NO! Okay, what then? He sent me a cabbage in the post He sent me half a cabbage, cling filmed, in a box... I was *out* when they delivered it I had to go to the post office to pick it up There was a note inside that said "you got cabbaged again" Okay, so he's doing that did you... bearing in mind that this is a minor, did you at any... It was a major as far as I'm concerned! Did you at any point retaliate? Yeah, but it took me six months What did you do?
- After six months of this... I...
- Well you say six months of this, what is it? There's the initial cabbage leaves in the bed at his house and there's the posted half cabbage.
- Yeah Anything else?
- His granddad cabbaged me to my face What does that mean? Gave me a president, it was all wrapped up nice, I thought it was a nice present I unwrapped it, it was another half a cabbage wrapped in cling film Members of the public started cabbaging me. I made the mistake of talking about it on the radio and then everyone got the idea and I couldn't turn up to a gig without there being a cabbage hidden somewhere in my dressing room Thank God you're playing it safe and not saying it on telly, eh? So did you retaliate?
- I absolutely did I removed all of his belongings from his bedroom and replaced them with cabbages That's, I would say, a disproportionate response Six months of my life David! Six months of my life of not knowing where the next cabbage was coming from. It was horrible I had to go big. I'd been cabbaged so many times - somebody started a Twitter account that was tweeting pictures of cabbages on me, every day, that said stuff like "oi oi savoy" It was horrible That was just the tip of the iceberg I would say that anyone that can enjoy that joke about a *lettuce* would have to be a sociopath So David's team: Is Mick Gaby's cheated child
- maybe James's feuding friend
- maybe Or Lee's traded toddler?
- no I believe Gaby, but James is just weird So i believe him even more
- your paranoid view seems to be the whole country's in on it Now everyone's sending you cabbages - Every time people laugh at me, I suspect they're my enemy which makes my job very difficult Oh, I don't know Um, James
- You're going for James. Mick? Would you please reveal your true identity?
- I'm Mick, and I am James's worst enemy Yes... Mick is James's feuding friend, and here's the proof! That That is what James did to Mick's bedroom Thank you very much Mick! I recently ended up in A&E after attempting to use a sledgehammer to crack a nut Lee's team?
- Alright, who was there by the way? Who was witnessing this?
- My parents were there, my brother, his wife, my wife... Peter Gabriel? David's not gonna get that joke Do you want me to explain or are you alright?
- He said "sledgehammer" What? Oh "sledgehammer", very good.
- Sorry, let me rephrase that Rob and David aren't gonna get this joke. I have no idea, but there wasn't anyone called Peter Gabriel The thumb, can we have a look? You'll find there's absolutely no visible scarring And... neither is there on that one What are you thinking Lee? Has this been the truth or has he made it up? I believed everything until we looked at his thumbs
- There's nothing there and then I was like... "that man not only has not hit himself in the thumb with a sledgehammer, but I don't think he's picked up anything in... weeks Truth or lie?
- It is... a lie Years ago sold ice creams for a living. I don't know which year exactly, but I'm guessing 99 its James a duster And Noddy is first up One December night while dressed as Joseph I Had to shove a donkey off a country lane Well friend of mine used to have party every Christmas time just before Christmas and it was always fancy dress So whose party was it? It was my best friend's party and Knot it swing his name was swig when we should have said biggy Suddenly in the middle of the road is a donkey So I was screeches to a halt thinking am I Imagining this donkey or is it real donkey? Is it possible? It was just Elvis Costello turning up late to the party. In fancy dress. I Got out the car to feel if it was real or not You have to feel it I got a feeling fog gets behind him good idea Safest place of a donkey Noddy James I Think it's true, but it's just nice to listen to and tell a story and I kind of forgot halfway through I'm meant to be Knowing if it's true or not True okay. It's true Noddy. Was it true or were you telling a lie? It is true James you're next One Christmas on Herron I wasn't to going to get the present I wanted I tried to drown myself in Protest Tell us the story well, I wasn't going to get the present I wanted which was what did you want? This Spice Girls debut album Spice So weird cuz I did get it and I did try and drive myself How old were you then I was like 10 or 11 right so you wanted the album no, you really really wanted it Stop right now So you wanted the album yes what I really really want Just say so what if we use this who's your friend big ears? I wanted the Spice Girls album spice and so did my sister We've both been pestering our parents a lot for the album. My father decided he had to tell us before Christmas he was going to get the album or not because it he didn't want an upset on Christmas Day and So he waited until we were in a safe space with a local swimming pool Family swim yeah, lovely Christmasy thing to do a lot of people swimming in the run-up to Christmas Seven swans a-swimming yeah And then my dad called a family meeting Shallow end shallow end. Yeah. Oh, you're not treading water during a family meeting It said right so week until Christmas and I'm just gonna let you know That move is getting the Spice Girls album. We're Exactly, where were you then time? I look like I overreacted But to take us through this reaction paint a picture of how our young James reacted there's like a storm came over me It's very angry and then I turned and I walked to the other end of the shadow and I did a width. Yeah Stormed the way, but it's very hard Wade through the water To say every now and again I'm really cross When to ever end and I turn round they can see my face and I just sat down slowly Oh, it's under the water I went well I was thinking this I guess I'll even stay here until one of two things happens If I get the Spice Girls debut album spice, I'm gonna die Which happened well What happened was I came back up again and I saw that not only were they not they were just carrying on swimming They've got no heat under the water now and my dad put that he went problem solved but they carry them I just don't think he's dad would do that. I think he'd buy two albums unaware that he knew my father naughty What do you think about the two albums buying Issue well like as a parent I just Thought that just quietly like going off to HMV to buy an album is easier than taking the whole family for a group swim I'll say live. Do you think that you both thing is a lie? I'm gonna say lie Okay, James were you telling us the truth or was it a lie? I was telling the truth James did try to drown himself in protest over his Christmas presents, please welcome. This week's special guests Gerry This is Jerry, and he was the policeman who came to investigate when I was heard screaming during a Christmas game of Twister This is Jerry. He's the fireman who? Every Boxing Day sucks me with water during a festive game of squirt James what are you doing playing the twister Matt? What about James? Okay James This remind us James what it was that you said jerry is the fireman through every boxing day sucks me with water During a festive game of squirt. Oh Okay What's going on It's a game is it Two teams of firemen, okay. So that's for a game of squirt. The first thing you need is two teams of Go either side of a river And you Tie it up in a tree at one side of the river and Then you run it along you tie it to a tree at the other side of the river Yeah, but before you've tied it to us like you thread a barrel across it, of course you do this thread of yeah What if there is a fire in the local area? Set up for a game of squirt. Well, he's not that they can't put out fires. Anyways, it's only volunteer Just a volunteer fire brigade they're not allowed to put out fires They're connected to pick up litter They get the fire engines and everything from their fire engines and old well, it's more like a ice-cream van that's painted red The Volunteers do they have the the uniforms? No, the catching volunteer fire brigade have a t-shirt and it has an emblem on it of a fire being put out by a beer Focus to the rules of squirt. Hmm, okay You get the battle to the middle of the rope right in the middle of the rope and then Both teams aim their hoses at it other volunteer fireman allowed real water, or do they just minor? Water that this can tame it at a fire, okay If there was a fire they would have to turn the hose off Then what happens next someone's like go And then they both turn their hoses on and they aim it at the battle and what you're trying to do is you're trying to Get the battle trying to squirt it along the rope. So it gets to the opposition side of the bank And all the water it's hitting this barrel and we're standing on the bridge You walk hard going good spot this year I Don't I mean I think You think it's James is I think it sure I mean, I think well, I think we're agreed Lee is lying. Yeah Question is is it James or Shan? I think it's the mate of James's from pub who was a volunteer fireman I'm not happy about this My instinct is that James is telling the truth right, but I know what that's saying publicly I know what I am then believing Played across a river between volunteer firemen ice cream van In which the locals come and stand and watch in just the place where they get splattered What's it gonna be? I just I think it's James. You're gonna go with James. Yeah, go on. Would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Jerry and I'm a volunteer farmer. Who said Until last year I believed that reindeer were fictional creatures like unicorns until my six-year-old daughter told me the truth His reindeers fly, so that's maybe that's why I came to that conclusion You were aware of deer though, weren't you? Yes, actually I was so you chosen Bambi deer You've seen a fictional reindeer well if sorry Bambi flew then. I probably wouldn't have believed in deer. What about Dumbo? Did you not believe in elephants? Did you stop believing carpets when you saw a Latin? I don't understand how you can go through life without seeing a real reindeer. Sorry we talking about reindeer Nope. Hello, David. I Still can't believe that giraffes are real I've seen giraffes. I still don't quite believe their fear. They're like Noddy would I Think it's a lie. I was telling a lie Last Christmas my brother bought me this iPad, I've never turned it on but I have used it to kill a wasp and carry three mugs of hot chocolate Hot chocolate for go. Sorry who the most of hot chocolate for say I'm now without thinking No, three people it's alive Did you kill the wasp with the glass side or the non glass there non glass side how hard did you hit it? Well, it's dead It wasn't like a great sweepings, you know smash was it made its roar sort of a press and leaned Slowly press it like a psychopath He does the push and press because he knew that there was a Lie I was telling a lie
he’s from kettering, where the dialect would likely be centered on corby afaik. the corby accent was heavily influenced by scottish and irish dialects due to immigration. despite being from north of the foot-strut line, he does not seem to rhyme them. i assume he’s just a younger speaker with some dialectal features still present. he just sounds like someone from the eastern midlands to me, but i am not from the UK
NOTE: the most notable thing about his speech to me, personally, is his inconsistent use of tapped r’s. i can’t hear a scottish ‘GOAT’ vowel though
I think that part of his accent is an affectation he uses for his persona. I have seen his father on Pointless with James and he sounds nothing like his son. His dad is proper smart and middle class, James wants to sound more like a lad. Sometimes, a literal 12 year old lad being very upset with the unfairness of the world.