I don’t know if you know this about me but
I’m a large advocate of sexy times. I think people who want to have sex ought
to feel comfortable with doing it, regardless of what kind of sex it is, or how often they
do it, or with however many people they do it, as long as it’s consensual. Now obviously consent is important, and I
believe that the idea of having sex with someone without their consent is horrifying to the
vast majority of people. There are a lot of videos on YouTube about
consent, and many of them are very good. But like most things on the internet, they
tend to lack nuance. They basically say, “If someone doesn’t
want to have sex with you, then don’t have sex with them!” Yeah no shit. I think you’re being a little too cynical
if you think that any significant number of people need to be told that specifically. What a lot of people do struggle with is. Identifying when someone might not want to
have sex with them, and then respecting it. A large contributing factor to this is that
this and previous generations have been conditioned to think of sex as either some kind of conquest
or reward. Like, once upon a time, I was on a date with
a girl. We had a good time. At the end of the date, we hugged, said bye,
went home. The fact that we didn’t do anything sexual
or physically affectionate seemed to me at the time like a failure on my part. Like I did not complete my mission. And this is not to say that I didn’t really
like the girl, or that I only wanted to hang out with her because of the possibility of
sex. Because that wasn’t the case. Remember what I said about nuance. These situations are more complicated than
we often like to talk about them. It’s not even that I expected sex, either. The issue is that I saw sex as some kind prize
or personal accomplishment, and so I was upset that I didn’t get it, and wondered what
I could have done differently. And thinking about sex in this way is very
dangerous, because it can result in you doing weird, manipulative shit in order to get laid. Regardless of how casual the encounter is,
sex is a very intimate and significant experience. It’s a very vulnerable experience, and it’s
an experience that affects the chemicals in your brain and subsequently your emotions. Because of this, I think sex is a thing that
people shouldn’t do unless they are 100% sure they want to. And of course we are ultimately responsible
for our own decisions, but you can’t deny that we all can be pressured and/or manipulated
into doing things that we’re not sure about. Now I know that the vast majority of you and
indeed the vast majority of people are not rapists, so unlike many of the other videos
about consent, I’m not going to patronize you as if you are. However, when we see sex as some kind of conquest
or end goal, we might often not respect the fact that someone might not be 100% ready
to have sex with us. If you had to “convince” someone to have
sex with you, odds are they weren’t 100%. And maybe some of you are like, “I mean
if they end up saying Yes, what’s the big deal, that’s consent right?” Well, consent that occurs because of pressure
and manipulation is troublesome. Because it’s possible, and I would say,
quite likely that they only consented to appease you and not because they actually wanted to
do it. And remember I said that sex can be a very
significant and emotional experience. So when you end up doing it when you’re
not 100% ready, this can have tremendous emotional and psychological effects on a person or on
a relationship. Sometimes it’s short term and sometimes
it lasts a life time. And assuming, you value not being asshole,
you should not want this to happen to people. And we are responsible for our own choices,
but if you want to argue that a person who pressures or manipulates someone into doing
something they don’t want to do holds no responsibility whatsoever. I’m gonna call bullshit on that. I remember when I was first thinking about
this a while back, and one of the first thoughts I had was, well if we have to tip-toe so delicately
around this idea of consent, how is anyone ever gonna get laid. Which sounds kinds of shitty when you say
it out loud. But at the time I still thought of sex as
this prize to be won. But what it boils down to is, it’s okay
if you don’t get laid. It’s not the end of the world. Yes you should wait until you have unambiguous,
enthusiastic, positive mutual consent, before you attempt to have sex with anybody. And if you don’t have that, then don’t
try to do it. You not getting laid is a much better outcome
than potentially being involved in some person’s emotional confusion or distress. If you’re not sure if you have unambiguous,
enthusiastic consent, ask. Say, “Do you want to have sex with me?” If they indicate anything except an enthusiastic
positive response. Just don’t do it. Sometimes you won’t get laid, and that’s
okay. And I’m talking about sex, but this can
also apply to any kind of physical or sexual intimacy like touching or making out. It’s also important to acknowledge that
that not just the pursuers, but often those being pursued also may have a bad concept
of sex and affection. Often the idea of sex as a reward or a prize
may cause people to think they owe sex to someone or that someone has earned sex from
them. But sex isn’t a reward or a gift or a prize
or a mission. It’s a mutual, shared experience that people
do together. It’s not a thing you do to someone or for
someone. Therefore all the people involved should be
on the same page, and all the people involved should 100% down for the cause. And if they’re not, than just don’t do
it. Because that could lead to more trouble down the road. It’ll be okay. DAS JUS ME DOE.
