Is Texting Ruining Relationships?

[Music] welcome to ear biscuits I'm link and I'm Rhett this week at the round table of dim lighting we are exploring the question is texting ruining friendship specifically our friendship right is texting ruin our friendship no I I'm not just we're not limiting this discussion to just our friendship I think we're I want to analyze my kids and their friendships and how they used not only texting I mean what broaden it a technology we'll focus in on social media wow I mean the things as a dad that I find myself start started much did I say my selves yeah well you also said Wow and then citizen is about being a dad which is very appropriate wow I'm a dad and I find myself really tackling some some some odd issues when it comes to social media and and what I think about the quality of relationship you can have when it's conducted mostly in that way or I mean it mostly through your phone not speaking into it but typing things into it yeah the other way to say it but we should start with us I think one of the things I'm prepared to do is share our very first text conversation know like our first conversation is friends over text I have it I have it on my phone I've told you about it so you have it on your phone you have it on my phone as well and we're gonna share it with you as as an opening salvo into the world of technology texting and how it impacts friendships yes we're good to that and one second we do want to let you know that we are going to be at the end sea State Fair I want to do it like a monster-truck announcer because you just did Bradlee comedians Wow dad's comedy duo Redwing will be live at the NC State Fair October 12 7:30 p.m. torn arena all you gotta do is get admission into the fair and you can show up there do I threaten link do their thing on stage at Jordan marina yeah for more details and took us to the fair go to NC State Fair dot org what's the name of a monster-truck Bigfoot Bigfoot will not be present gravedigger grave digger would not be present little Bigfoot hello Bigfoot will be present right link we'll be riding in on the back of the Bigfoot alright that's it Kieko thank you for adding some sort of music bed of generic metal guitar type thing just to really sell what just happened okay yeah those were clear we're gonna be the NC State Fair I think that was not only clear it was very powerful got good and you know what no need to dwell on it well I'll do well on in a second because just another word about the creative associated with it which we're developing currently all the creative this is gonna be a freaking bona fide concert y'all and I we're just kind of dipping our toe it well we're not dipping our toe in we're doing freakin I'm going to the needy we're doing an hour and a half show which is music mostly music it's a concert is it's not that it's not the tour of mythicality okay which if you saw that was like a theatrical precinct we are doing the tour mythicality in in November in the Northeast but this is a different show this is gonna be just a music show because I I see the future Rhett I see I can see into 2019 I can see that we might want to do more concerts we'll see how it goes man well if if it doesn't go well it stay fair yeah we won't think about it anymore but you will have the the smell of like cow dung wafting in you know the right cow dung and one nostril and like Polish sausage and enough yes I love the way those two things mix yes a lot of nostalgia so I'm glad to be going back all my family members are hitting me up via text well I told my parents about it and my dad said well we haven't been to the NC State Fair since the first year we were in North Carolina RINs was in 1984 well my mom's husband Lewis boy hits it's it's the highlight of his year he goes multiple times because I love it man it's I think it's like two weeks he goes multiple times just to go yeah I camp out there if they did loud that he loves it man anyway we have let's see I have dug up the very first text exchanged between my good buddy Rhett and I had to enter my code on my phone I couldn't I couldn't do it while I was talking now I got a day I gotta say that was a little bit of a deceptive teaser well there's a little bit of a miss direction are you saying that because this text exchange between us happened yesterday yeah but on Saturday okay because I can see it right now day before yesterday but let me so let me explain I'm gonna read this text threat to you conversation that I initiated and at a certain point I'll explain why this is this is the first of its kind but it starts with from me I'll just read my part so this is pretty cool and then I put a screenshot of an Amazon review of our book into a text to you I had and then I wrote I had never actually gone into Amazon and read reviews of our book and you know I just need a little I just needed a little warm and fuzzy feeling from the mythical beast Who am I kidding mm-hmm he sometimes you just you're just sitting around looking at your phone you're like I was actually going on Kindle the Kindle app to like download I wanted to start reading another book on my Kindle right and so when I went on there I was like you know what I just kind of like to look at the fact that we have a book in there somebody do that to remind myself I'm a published author it just makes me I mean it made me feel good it's like wow you know what by the way since I'm in here it's kind of like you going to Barnes & Noble you go don't you ever go by this section to see if our books in there I have kind of make you feel like gives you a little but I don't I don't camp out there I walk by there briskly and make eye contact with the book but I don't touch it I would never be taught caught touching my own book in public or like sitting there waiting for someone to come up and not an idiot I met a douchebag then I started reading the reviews for the first time and I was blown away with the level with which people will not only write about what they think of the book but write about the connection to us yeah well and and and so then I screenshot one of those in send it to you because it helped me feel when you said this to me this is from Hammerton I thought hmm okay this is not compel this isn't that unusual for you to send a message like this this was total I would say total usual because this is right and so I responded with yeah I've read some of those our rating is pretty unprecedented for a book with that many ratings oh yeah taco stroke the time I wrote that I didn't expect to be reading it publicly back to everyone I thought it was just for me and you right we brag even between the two of us in private conversations but but it wasn't a brag it was just a yeah it's kind of unusual to have that many ratings in to be five stars I was like it's great I mean this is a good thing we're just celebrating the fact that this is good that people like the book and then I responded and the things reviewers are writing about their connection to us etc it's probably the best place to go to understand our older post-college audience would so this is just us working this is not anything unusual this is not the first of its kind this is just another moment via text where I should be relaxing chilling out on a Saturday afternoon but instead I'm trying to simultaneously stroke my ego and get some work accomplished how can we utilize these reviews to further understand our demographic and proper proper you wrote that at 1:36 p.m. and as you can see I had assumed that okay end of conversation I do not need to respond to this last things I did not respond to it thought conversations over it was an exchange of information as is typical given our text history and then it got weird it got new I decided to change the subject and I just said how was the concert last night that's a first that's an absolute first on our on our text thread to ask a purely friendly good conversation starter we do not use texting in this way and never have never have you may think it sounds weird but we do not use texting and we use text to exchange information but conversation is like how was your day or how was the concert last night always happen in person okay never done it but I just went with it okay I went with it I said great he puts on a really good show now I was talking about Jason Isbell and the 400 unit played at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles uh yeah I was invited to go buy rhett and I I politely declined for reasons that I'll get it and Jason is one of my favorite artists and I've seen him before live my wife and actually my whole family loves him like we play the songs all the time in the house in the car so I brought everybody like for a number of reasons didn't end up being able to go but Jesse and Shepherd and I went had a great time so and I said it he put he puts on a really good show but again that's not the point of this I didn't I didn't expand beyond that because I was like didn't seem like the time of the place it never has been for us before and again I do think we maybe should before we'll read the rest of this text there in one second but just to clarify further we I mean text has just been something that's been purely for logistics like we may even go far as to say hey let's I want to hear about the concert like that might be something that I would text but I wouldn't say how was it let's have a let's have a legitimate friendly conversation right now it'd be like let's let's put a pin in this until we're together when we have when we conduct our friendship and then we'll do that right I I think it's how old we are you know let's not let's not analyze it okay all throughout let's let's get through it see you're already bored whether you hate it yeah how's the concert last night great he puts on a really good show I said I just can't get into his driving rock songs I just like the slow ones whereas someone like first aid kit who were going to see soon I like all of what they do this point I'm like this is weird we are in a conversation that we've never had on the phones before but but again I don't dislike it I was also doing nothing true I was also a nothing at the time that's great I was sitting somewhere in my house and I was like okay wants to talk weird and you said Feldman it's like very confused I knew you would be that we don't talk like this and I and here's the thing and I thought I said I said that I wasn't gonna stop and analyze it I told you not to analyze it but now because of his reactions I have to I told you before this started that I don't think is how old we are I think it's a combination of how old we are and how we are period because there are other 40 year old people who text relationally but it's but it but it is exclusive I mean the kids do it almost exclusively they're constantly conducting their relationships via text but they don't remember a time when they didn't do that right but it's we had to transition into it and we never did it didn't seem right and you know an interesting thing a reminder at the top of this I can see your picture and look at it this picture is the picture of you the moment you bought your very first iPhone and it was the moment you bought your very first iPhone we were together picture of you and the first thing we did when we got our iPhones was take a picture of each other and store our contact information in our iPhones and that picture has not changed you don't even have a beard Rhett and in the picture we're you have a chinstrap we thought it would be a good idea if the picture of the person of the other person had them on the phone in their picture yeah so that you would be able to picture what they look like when they were talking to you which is on a phone and then for it made sense to me that's the very first picture I ever took put in there and then four years after that sometimes still now on a whim if I'm entering someone into my contacts I don't know if that's what it's called anymore address book contacts yeah it hasn't changed that much I'll tell him - I'll say hold up your phone like I'm calling you yeah and then I'll take the pretty it's a cool thing to do still in 2018 get where the kids never change that photo so that's when we first learned how to do this I mean we were out of college we we had children right but okay but when you questioned the greatness of Jason Isbell because of his driving rock songs which i think is a a little bit of a miss kick miss characterization you know what I mean I said the harder ones work well in person he's got a really good band and now I'm on a roll relationally I'm like ah I could see that did you get recognized taught by him I thought that was an interesting way to answer to ask the question because typically the pause the dot indicates a pause but when you send it all as one text it's just it just I see it all together so but I understood what you were implying which is hey I'm asking you you get recognized as Rhett from rhett and Link by him but then by him because you know that I once tweeted at Jason he tweeted back at me and sort of following me one of the greatest I got the greatest honors of my life I didn't know that I was just making a joke and and so I said like from stage while he was performing he like stopped everything and singled you out and because we are not good at this relational texting you can see we cross texted in the middle of this this is the point where yeah I didn't answer your question I was adding to my previous answer but it came later it came by both came at 1:45 p.m. I said and the lyrics the best John Mayer called him the best lyricist today now I must say the reason I said that is because a drunk woman behind me said it during the concert so I don't her word is I don't have independent verification of that but she was she's had a lot of things throughout the evening and I heard all of them and so to Shepard oh but one thing she did say to her dad who she was with when heard her dad was like ah I love his lyrics the dad was obviously being introduced to Jason Isbell at the concert and he was like I just love the lyrics and she was like John Mayer says that he's the best lyricist of all time dad I want to do send that to you I did but then I asked John Mayer as a like a measuring stick for greatness it does show our age well because John Mayer is one of the best lyricist of all time as well so you know is he I think he's right I think he's great I like I like all of his hard songs in itself so I think that a 4000k John Mayer is amongst the best modern-day lyricist is that it more is that unless sensational thing to say I really like John Mayer he's not just good on the guitar guys he can write a great song I then answered the question no didn't see him and then I Jason yes then I talked about seeing someone that we both know ok we'll skip the guitar tip over this part it's it's not important and then I said but fans so at this point am I making this about work again like I mean this is kind of revealing I'm getting a little self-conscious now it's like I'm talking about my hot tub again I'm like I'm trying to have a friendly conversation with my buddy for the first time ever on text with no agenda but we're not and then I'm like did you get recognized yeah yeah but you got it you gotta contextualize this for the people listening because when we talk about that kind of thing we're obviously not bragging to each other me telling you that I got recognized is not so I can be like hey man I got recognized again I was legitimately furia it's a data point for our business right cuz did we talk about it if we both really loved Jason Isbell you more than me because we've established that and then you're there and you get recognized it's like oh people who have good taste in music also like us that's a good side right the Venn diagram of good tastes but then I said no that was in the VIP area again I'm not bragging I'm just I'm I'm just relating things to link here I was like but still I might would have gone with the VIP area or was it lame I was like nah it was nothing same kind of thing we did for the Morel concert at the Greek before we knew him sounds like a couple of douches we're horrible yeah I'm like yeah so no fans there I'm like pressing yeah and I was like a couple of people got a picture like yes and then I'm like I'm going deeper I'm gonna make a bold choice by this point I felt weird because I had been sitting down texting for multiple minutes and then just I never do this I don't just sit down to text who kind of freak does that right me neither right but if we were it wouldn't be to each other because we're so self-aware of our like the parameters of our relationship if we do something that's not like something that we do in our relationship alarms start going off it's like oh you you started talking over text or you helped you helped me with my seatbelt yeah yeah yeah in the car or why why are you helping me more you hug me when you saw me right I mean like we have groups of friends and all our friends are huggers and like we see them all the time and we hug them every time and then I kind of go through everybody then I see you and I'm like it's kind of not at you yeah if I even acknowledge you right it's kind of like seeing yourself in the mirror is it do you hug yourself in the mirror or do you make eye contact briefly and then move on we it's like a it's like we say we're like an old married couple but even an old married couple still hug each other unabashedly right but I know an old married maybe they don't know married couple the reason why we're like an old married couple is that we have certain we have our protocols of relationship of friendship and and they're set so anything that deviates from that like having them just a friendly text exchange is is is a deviation which means it's odd which means something must be up I was fully committed at this point I think I think this can lead to growth in our relationship and let's put a pin in that I'll come we need to come back to that thought okay yeah we need to get through this so we can get to the analysis Oh or at least the ad yeah I get we got it we got to put an ad in this podcast that's really what matters okay where was I subject change is what you you bet you put it in bracket I actually put in brackets change sign of age as well yeah that's people don't do that I don't think the kids know where brackets are I said some a fan pointed out that that we say smell of that instead of saying smell that when we try to get the other person to smell something you say I saw that comment and I think it's crazy I don't say that and I said you're saying I say that and you said I would have guessed it but I'm saying I don't think I do and what I meant to say was I wouldn't have guessed it but I am saying that I don't think I do definitively and I said so yes you are saying that because you misunderstood what I was saying and at that point I know bond no you were saying that I did and you didn't and that ended our conversation I know yeah no apparently our friendship again even though we are now face-to-face what I'm saying is what I meant to write was I wouldn't have guessed that you said that oh but instead I took a fence yeah yeah like I took pseudo offense I thought it was funny but I just thought you were being belligerent well I I would have guessed it that you said it right I wouldn't exactly and this is the problem with texting for relationships and okay I know this is one of the pitfalls and I didn't yeah I didn't even realize that this is why the conversation ended because what I meant to say was well I would have never said that you would have said it if I had to choose between the two of us I would guess that you were the one who said it and but I never heard you say it that I know of and I'm pretty sure that I've never said it now I'm probably wrong on all counts and I probably will get like a supercut of me saying smell of that poster do you do please do I want to see a supercut to see if that's true or not because that's a big question but there is a bigger question which I want to say until we explore multiple avenues in the quality of friendship when conducted over technology Tech's social media across our lives our kids lives right our friends lives and whether or not that's good or bad or indifferent and let's come back to this exchange oh you want to keep coming back to it now at the very end again see if there's any ultimate conclusion that can we can apply to our own friendship sure I think that's a great idea all right okay we're gonna get back into some of the like personal well analyze that text exchange at the end we're gonna get into talking about the way that we've kind of related to our kids and the way that they are different than us I thought a good way to get into this it's just some stats you know me and the stats these stats come from Psychology Today and relate to using text as a form of communication 33% of adults and 77% of 18 to 22 year olds prefer texts over all forms of communication including in person so Wow 77 percent 18 to 22 year olds would rather text and you can anything else you have to and I think you can extrapolate that and say that if you're under 18 that number is definitely higher than 77 percent so it's safe to say that more than 77 percent more than 8 out of 10 kids teenagers and younger if you've got a phone prefer texting over all forms of communication 1/3 of all adults prefer text to phone calls text is the most used form of communication for adults under age 50 and Americans send five times as many texts as compared with phone calls each day now just a quick side note really because if I said you would Americans send all at least text seventy five percent of the world uses some type of video chat application like Skype or whatsapp in place of texting the majority of users around the world average only six minutes of texting daily so the texting at this rate is is a bit of a I don't say Western phenomenon it's partly that but it tends to be places that have had a lot of financial success and everybody has a smartphone but it's interesting because a lot of these people in these places have like India a lot of people have smartphones and computers mmm but they're talking to each other via video chat and I don't know exactly I don't know any of the reasons for why that's the case but just an interesting tidbit that came up in this well III think that we're approaching this from from from a weird place right as evidenced by our first text exchanges friends being two days ago we are assimilating to something that our kids and the rest of society as they grow up are just growing into instinctively so for us I think that there's there's an exercise in and seeing how utilizing technology and our phones can increase the quality of our friendships it's something that I've been very resistant to whereas most people and I think will younger people or what I'm afraid of for my kids I'll put in it up put it in I'll couch it that way is that the opposite extreme that if they would prefer to text versus anything else how much how does that how does that impact your your relationships and not only that your even your ability to conduct a meaningful relationship right you know I mean are you are they being short-circuited by technology to to have a lower capacity for connection but I think we should start with our with our own experience yeah I think for me before I looked at the the research which we're going to continue to get into you because I never really looked at this I had just heard and also I think just naturally inferred and assumed that it just can't be a good thing sometimes I have a tendency to and my wife calls me out on this quite a bit to begin sounding like the old grumpy old garage a man who thinks that this generation in fact one time my my mom told me that when she was hanging out with Shepherd who again at the time was like eight years old she said Shepherd was talking about something related to Locke and she and he literally said this generation of teenagers this is eight year old speaking you can imagine where he got that from and I'm like okay well maybe I have been in and I don't want to be that guy because every older generation thinks that there are deficits in the younger generation and the reality most often is that yes there are deficits but there's also areas in which they are better more equipped for different things and you see that as you look at an analytic an NGO there's places online you can go and just analyze the different generations and like their propensity to drug abuse and divorce and that kind of thing and there's an ebb and flow it's not the world isn't contrary to popular belief every generation isn't getting worse in the world isn't going to hell in a handbasket it's a popular narrative but not true well there's a general trick there's an overall trajectory towards the hell in a handbasket alright come on no we're not there's in fact might have a couple good years but in fact it's absolutely the opposite on the whole but this that's not what this podcast is about today and I think we're trying to so in the spirit of of that mindset I've tried to say you know what we we've we've developed over the over the past few years a group of friends who we hang out together I mean there's like there's around a dozen of us it's kind of crazy mmm-hmm that we've all connected in this way that we spend a lot of time together I'm on any to two weeks stretch we all see each other you know this is very unusual in Los Angeles yeah it's awesome but what happened was right from the beginning they created a text thread and added me to it added you to it mm-hmm and it our wives to it the kids of the adults in the group they kind of I think they have their own texture to I don't know what that for sure but I think I'm sure they have to I didn't know I was like well and then they just start talking on it and I've I just the first thing I observed was just a general attitude of well I'm not gonna I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do this well they were doing things like putting memes into the text it's like what what am i you know a twelve-year-old and I I would observe it from a distance and think this is funny these are funny people they're having a good time I'm having a good time and sometimes things would get more serious and somebody would share something that they wanted to share with the group they were dealing with or whatever and people would offer advice and perspective and be like whoa whoa whoa whoa this is like there's more than on my phone more than like it like a like a a mildly inappropriate jiff this is this is some actual life stuff happening within a text sometimes I read majorly inappropriate yeah yeah yeah but and so then I thought well okay I'll warm up to it maybe I'll try it and then I'm like trying to chime in and I find myself absolutely parallel like not even beginning to type and delete and I reading that cloud that then so oh he's type I guess which doesn't show that this is I don't think that this is absolutely normal I think that we're both a little bit in the abnormal place when it comes to this because what I did mmm-hmm I think I think a lot of it has to do with way that we've scheduled our day yeah a lot of the people in the group are super creative and there's a don't regimen as scheduled I don't I don't know anyone else who has a nine-to-five like we're we're creative this is what we do for a living but given our you know we've got a lot of left brain going on as well we just naturally sort of fall into this schedule of coming to an office and having meetings and having a bunch of stuff on her schedule and then going home everything's very regimented for us and so like social text conversations don't fit naturally but even when we were at home just sitting there seeing these texts come through I early on silent at the conversation oh yes because you did not get the notification cuz I would be my phone would just be once they got going and I didn't know how to contribute and I now let me just I wasn't gonna get to this yet but let me throw something in there because there's a study that shows and I think this is very applicable for what we're talking about the way that we perceive this group there's a study that shows this is in the Journal of computers and human behavior the study found I got that on my coffee table this study found that similarity and texting styles was linked to relationship satisfaction so texting in the same way at similar frequencies makes people feel like their relationships are going well now this is this was done in the context of romantic relationships but people analyzed how connected they are based on if there's symmetry and they're texting so you're texting about the same kind of things you're texting as often as each other approximately yeah and so I think that we began to perceive that because we weren't participating in the text thread I think I began to think that maybe they think that I don't care about them as much as they care about me or whatever or I don't let this group and we ended up talking about that as a group in person not on the text thread but because somebody else in the group was like I'm sorry I don't I'm not I don't text that's not what I do and then we write us too sorry we think it's really funny and we love all you guys but we just don't we don't naturally contribute in this way it's not normal we don't do it with anybody it's not just you it's me yeah so we felt self-conscious but I did notice even though I was lurking I felt so much more connected to that to the group and I mean with with 12 other people I mean there's still like five that do most of the texting but and so I started to soften to it a little bit I said to fast-forward over a year later I still don't text that often yeah but but I appreciate it so much more as a legitimate form of connection and then recently I think we we experienced the limit of that you know cuz we got we got we got into some stuff right and I think I have a I'm gonna I'm gonna go back into some data which I think informs okay what happened and then what happened again up top in our conversation cuz I started to get really hopeful I'm like man it's like we don't see we try to see each other every week but if we don't we've got this cut we got this thread it's like literally it's it's you can it's a constant thing that keeps going thread of connection is that why they call it a thread yep Wow you just figured it out you just crack the code I just did it okay so what's the problem what are the pitfalls well and where do they stem from according to UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian great guy weird mustache probably pronouncing that wrong Albert you know dr. Albert I think you're saying Albert correctly during face-to-face conversation humans this is this is the percentage of different factors that you are relying on for communication when you are to having a face-to-face conversation to homosapians talking to each other 58 percent of the communication is in the body language over half 35 percent is through vocal tone pitch and emphasis that leaves seven percent for content of message ouch okay so let me just say that again in case you didn't understand when you're talking to someone and you're communicating to them what they're if they're picking up what you're laying down it is based on 58% body language 35% vocal tone pitch and emphasis the way that you're speaking and 7% content of message now Albert I don't know you I'm not you know you may not be omniscient and this may not be exactly 100% true but I think that the the gist is definitely true you know what I'm saying it's like how do you break down communication what was the nature already what I'm basically saying though is that a small percentage potentially 7% but definitely a minority of what you're communicating to someone is related to what you're the words coming out of your mouth because we're animals right you know it's we've we've developed we've evolved in an in an interactive and our communication our communication with each other was way more about all this 58% and 35% the 93% of communication was the basis of communication before humans of all the ability to speak so you were I can communicate a lot I can go into my monster-truck voice if you want me to but I tend to think that I was my my ancestors okay distant were they were it was more like meowing and purring it was gentler cats cat-like okay don't believe that that's how the evolutionary tree breaks down but whatever but the B is my spirit animal the point is we're at a place where we still listen guys biologically speaking we haven't changed much in a couple hundred thousand years so it's severely handicapping our ability to communicate well when you limit it to that whatever we're sent funneling and that's not even including spellcheck we are funneling the breath of human communication into this tiny little slit that is 7% of our communication capabilities meaning that all these things that serve as visual and auditory signals to help you actually understand what people are saying is completely not present when you're sending a text message and so when you start to get into things just to go back to the story yeah what with our friend group we start I mean I'm not gonna get in I'm not gonna dish dirt on what we had to deal with but it was the type of thing that there were concerns there was emotions involved there was it was it was heated though there were there was a couple of argument but it was different perspectives they came an argument so there was a couple of things that were misunderstood a couple of things that were said and a few times people kind of pitched in and said shouldn't we just talk about this in person those people who kind of wanted to bail on the text thread I even sent that text at one point and was like can we just talk about this in person now we did end up getting together and talking through some of the things that were texted and I ultimately think that the combination of the two things was good but I don't want to I don't want to come to that conclusion yet I want to I don't want to get there yet because I think right now what we're exploring is the inadequacy of text only communication in relationships and friendships I think it always ups I'm not trying to get into the details of the story which which we're not are not appropriate to go into here so we're not gonna do that but the only point I'm making is I experienced firsthand pushing the deepest connection and with the with the heart and the mind via text and just hitting a wall and saying all right we have to we have to get together to finish this conversation this can't happen it digitally right you know so I mean we explored the we explored the depths of it well we kind of went through what I think is ultimately and it's kind of what just happened with us at the beginning of this is what we would kind of prescribe as the method of using text and face-to-face conversation in conjunction let's wait - totally land that plane because I think that when I think about my kids and when I was looking at this research was like I kind of feel like I should talk to my kids about this because I would have never I knew that that all these visual and auditory cues were things that were huge in communication but I'm also not necessarily text texting on my phone but text-based communication email is something that I believe in in fact a lot of times even though I can engage in a conversation I can usually get my thoughts across in a pretty compelling way I prefer many times to type things out because you have a chance to kind of Center yourself and move through the information that the the pace that you want without interruption without having to justify things as you go but when you when you do it a vocal exchange or somebody a vocal exchange or verbal exchange but ionically am doing it right now the the research suggests that text-based relationships texting in the context of a relationship can give you the illusion of closeness but it actually is decreasing relational stability and satisfaction because you feel like it makes it worse yes so there is a risk that if you are relying primarily on textual communication in a relationship you are creating a false sense of intimacy and closeness but because that 93% of yourself that this person would be getting if it was a face-to-face conversation is not is not present you alternately and again this is this is based on like a bunch of studies kind of together analyzed and people come into conclusions about those is that it makes you feel like you're connected but ultimately you if you're not actually having face-to-face connection you you're not nearly as close as you perceive and I think the same thing I think is ultimately true in friendships but it kind of is really really it's exacerbated in the context of a romantic relationship I mean I do obviously there are many successful in the real world romantic relationships that started or I mean even continued for long periods of time that were just like text-based penpal based yeah you know and I don't want Adam in it I'm not trying to diminish that I'm just saying I thought risk I would I would venture to guess that anyone who has a successful relationship in the real world that's that went through just text for a long time they at when they added that component of actually being in the same space you know having the the complete ability to communicate that that added a facet to the relationship that they would not prefer to give up and it may actually make or break a relationship you know I'm saying so you may be like this kind of seemed to work again I think this happens all the time you start an online relationship with somebody you think there's an incredible connection because again it creates a connection that's very isolated and funneled down to this one sort of form of communication and it doesn't mean that other parts of your brain are not involved in terms of the way that you're responding there you you know when you get a text from somebody there's a dopamine rush and you get into this dopamine loop or you're waiting to have somebody react and yeah Fellman catfishing is is a great example of the that's the prime example of you think you've got a connection with somebody and then you found out you got catfished but even sort of short of that and what happens with that by the way it's when like you you meet a girl online and it's really just a big dude in his basement who's catfishing you but for what to get money from you to just get off on it there's multiple reasons that somebody would do that how would they get money from you hey you ever get we've got this connection but I really need braces oh but you don't okay send me $3,000 I can get braces but you never meet in person that's kind of my point where I was going was when you do meet in person and it's just a big dude in his basement it doesn't have the same effect as if it was like a hot girl without braces well but his teeth are straight right yeah yeah when a host of catfish okay it is showing him TV you should watch oh I don't have that face so but what I'm talking about it's not catfishing but just like oh we had this connection and this can happen in the contest of an already existent relationship right you could be like you were in Brazil for a month and we communicated via text and it seemed like we were so close and then you showed up and it was like there's nothing there in person can you go back to Brazil so we can text again there's something happening in your brain you're rewarding yourself for this communication but are you really connecting and let's bring it back to friendship and our kids I think the thing that I'm that I'm concerned about is that you you have these shallow friendships that are just it's captioned based conversations you know it's like a little blip blip blip blip here I mean I don't I don't look at the specifics of their conversations we I talk to my kids about the conversations that they're having and there's you know we've tried to have a level of openness there but I just get concerned that again as we experienced you can only have you can only really care for somebody so much even if it's a lot over text as a friend so I'm not talking about man tickly I just think that it being able to on one hand tell the difference between who's an acquaintance and who's an actual friend who's somebody who's gonna be there for you you know that's I mean that's why the friends theme song is the way it is because that's what a friend is men are for you man I'm not not out I will text you Yeah right be different I'll be there for you right shallow I'll send a meme to you versus deep it's the difference between like getting along with people like Oh like we have fun texting each other the means mmm the mean things well or versus being connected I mean there's a certain level of once you really get in get in it with somebody like as a true friend you're gonna have conflict you're gonna have you're gonna have problems I mean we're to have love like friendly love not romantic love really love have that friendly love I mean you're gonna there's a whole slew of problems and challenges that come along with that that are easily avoidable if you just keep the conversation shallower and text-based and it's an illusion well the reason we do it is because it's super convenient and easy it's much easier sure it's on my terms it's on my time and I can say what I want to and I don't have to see your immediate reaction it's so tempting to reduce a relationship to a text base exchange because it is so convenient and easy and that's why that's why we do it you know what it's not going away and we're not saying that it should go away and because of the the plasticity of our brains especially the brains of our kids again with the research studies are showing that their brains are adapting to this level of communication and their brains are parts of their brains that kind of connect their thoughts to their this is their thumbs and their index fingers and they're basically the the part of their brain that controls that fine motor skills they're they are adapting and becoming better at it and they're better at it than we will ever be because they're neuroplasticity is way higher it's not gonna go away they're gonna keep doing it and I think that there are positives to use the analogy that another guy in psychology today Zak Carter used he talked about a cake and he was like building a relationship out of text is like having a cake that is icing only so it may look and feel like a cake but when you kind of go into it there's no there's less substance and there's no where's the cake whereas there I don't personally and I know you don't like I don't like cake without icing right it adds some some moisture to the whole thing and so I think I do think that if texting is like a lot ice okay but I don't ya know just to write them out right and so but you want to have cake you want to have a real foundation for a relationship and that is actually your contact and your real face-to-face conversations and your quality time that you spend with each other but then the icing on the cake that makes the cake even better and makes a cake what it is at least in the context of modern society is text-based communication because I think ultimately what happens you want to punch of just constant contact or more frequent contact because we've experienced it keeps it alive it keeps it vibrant yeah in between those moments of connecting in person because we have actually benefited from this text thread that we have amongst our friends oh yeah and even the situation that we just brought up we would have never gotten together and talked with everybody in the time frame which we did if it was if it weren't for the rated that text thread right so to me I died I think that there is a healthy balance between the two but first of all you can't blame anybody who says I'm not gonna text at all and I'm just gonna have a complete face-to-face conversation it's a little Luddite ish but oh I think that ultimately where you could go very wrong is if you begin to conduct your relationships exclusively on text and what I think that the kids are doing in this generation this generation of teenagers they're beginning and ending romantic relationships via text they're breaking up via text they're asking to go out via text they're saying will you go to the prom with me via text that is an imbalance and I gotta say listen I know it's easy but the it's too easy it's too convenient it's too narrow it's not broad it's not relying on who you are as a person is relying on 7% of who you are communicating to 7% of who someone else is it's not a 100 percent to 100 percent connection so you really you're really only breaking up with 7 percent of the earth if you broke up with somebody via text you're still 93 percent in a relationship with them that's a fact science says it deal with it I'll give a meme to you yeah so I I hope to help my kids begin to understand that texting and your the phone in general is just a tool that you can you can abuse it in so many ways of course but when it comes to relationships as a throme on God and you know the gorilla gorilla glass will hold up God and know that it's not it it can't be the the center the cakey center of your friendships I mean if you want to build real friendships of which you're fortunate to have two or two five close friends by the way I was reading that studies show that you really can't have more than 150 friends at any level mm-hmm like an acquaintance level that's like because that was the size of communities of our ancestors it's a brain thing yeah I say it's a brain capacity thing that actually be friends once you get above that once communities and you know ancient communities got above about a hundred and fifty people the group dynamics began to break down and they had to break up and become new groups and so now what we have are you have those active friends which there may be like five close friends then like fifteen at the next layer and like the layers go out of how connected you actually are to them to where you get to a point where well you've got dormant friends who you can reconnect with if you happen to be in the same town but you don't live there anymore you visiting and then you've got all across Facebook if you're into that commemorative friends like oh I I went I went to I went to summer camp with that person and now we're just like they're just floating out here as a commemorative complementing each other's babies but I you know I I think that ultimately using the tools properly our kids can be but you know there's a level of connection that they can have that we didn't experience and to get back to us that I think there's an opportunity for us you know I think maybe we can find ourselves I'm just gonna throw that out there having a conversation over text and just as if I think it's a great show I think for us it's definitely a great thing I think it will only enhance things because one of the things I find that if there's an issue that I need to deal with I I often and this may be a little bit it may be cowardly if I there's a situation where there's some conflict I typically like to send an opening written communication as sort of a thesis of like these are some things that I want to explore but this is not the end of the conversation I'm not expecting textual communication back it's like this is like my opening salvo and now let's talk about it I think a combination of text communication and face-to-face communication can be a great way to get through conflict and you know what I conduct a relationship I Christina actually did that last week I I totally forgot about it within the context of this conversation that you know weird we're dealing with something and you know she she's got we're separated you know I'm here she's there and she's talking about okay this is what I'm going through these are thoughts that are going through my mind based on the conversation we had last night I'm not gonna call it an argument but it was it was just a conversation and spicy one it was great because you know we had to put a pin in things we we slept on it and then I had to go to work but then she sent me a tech I sent her a text I was like I look forward to continuing our conversation you know and she actually she like wrote out - I was like whoa two paragraphs she had it locked and loaded in the Notes app and just copy and pasted it and it was ready for you detects I mean it was difficult to get that in the middle of the day but ultimately it was better than not getting it because I could like on the drive home I like reflected on her thoughts so then we were that much further along when we sat down and had the rest of the conversation which still was like okay two hours of focused let's continue this conversation this is the work of marriage would have you know we wouldn't have gotten nearly that far if it wasn't for that that preamble that she swell and sometimes okay being able to communicate when you're not together we've never twit - I mean that's that's what is out of this friend group - just toss that in there because I think we're all learning that well Joe I was Jesse and I have done exactly what you were talking about and we did it before the friend group there's been a couple of times where we do have an argument and yeah we go to sleep and we wake up and we're either the communication climate is a little cold if you will and then at some point during the day someone will instigate a text conversation that is an apology or an explanation and again it isn't for the purposes of solving the conflict a reconciling via text but sometimes when you're not in each other's presence and you've had time to cool off and you're not just sitting there across in the person that the last time you were with them you were arguing with them you get this text and you can process it and in your own world in the privacy of your own thoughts and I think it does set up it's an opening volley that gives you the opportunity to then go and take the conflict and address it face to face I do think that it's very helpful very purposeful yeah and that's deep work I mean that's like I said that is the work of marriage or of a relationship and can obviously be applied to friendships but I think for us let's start simple let's just start with a few memes memes does mean time I think I think we can search in that thing and find ourselves yeah I've done it you want me to send you gifs of you and you send me gifts of me no I want I want you to be you and me be me let's go Munich eight to each other you see only gifs man we are really we're completing the loop of douchey yeah the do salute the diffuse loop round in the turn on the booze flip hello currently in my hot tub sending sending gifs of myself to my friend Rhett from one douche to another in his hot now one thing I will say that we didn't talk about we hinted at it a little bit earlier when we're talking about the way the rest of the world communicates I don't know what the research indicates on video chats mmm-hmm I have noticed now my kids don't do this but I have seen the teens talking to each other Lincoln uses house party video chat is is very common and I don't know again I don't know what the dad I don't know how many people are doing it doing his homework he's got his phone propped up on his desk yeah but again I I don't know what the percentages are but at that point you are getting body language and you are getting voice tone and emphasis you're getting a very large percentage you're just not getting smelling breath which might be great you know because if somebody's got halitosis that kind of becomes 100 percent of what you're thinking about yeah so there's a way to take that out of the equation so anyway maybe that's one of the great things about video chat and I'm assuming at some point they keep talking about it and they keep saying it's gonna happen holograms man but holograms will be able to perfectly capture what you're trying to communicate not perfectly I'm sure well you know almost perfectly it'll be glitches your heroes they be glitches in like a a knot will be removed and then the whole meaning of what you're saying will change cuz he left out the neg right good that could happen but thirty years from now I think people will be breaking up with Holograms and that will count I think that'll be an official breakup if you break up via hologram I don't want to beat a dead horse but I'm having second thoughts about this mean you like texting as friends let's back off a memes because that was just me being stupid mm-hmm but I don't know man I think like if there's a third person we can do it like when Mike from back in North Carolina Texas that he went and he took a dump in the Trader Joe's and then he comes out he's washing his hands and then a woman walks in and it was she's in the wrong and trader Jan's right and we we laugh that up and we each set a little funny thing in response you want to get Mike and on a texture just so we don't feel weird about memeing each other I think we'll just turn him into a third douche is honestly what I think will happen I think douche spritz I think it's contagious I think douchery is contagious scene I think what call it that I mean that's that undermines everything we're saying can we put that on the t-shirt can we sell that douchery is contagious we'll sell it on the dark web douche loop I like douche loop better yeah we'll put that in the dark mythical dot store slash dark web to the dark web but we can't cat we can't characterize us having a friendly text exchange is being douchey it's only douchey when we're talking about ourselves in like a self-absorbed way I mean but just having a talk having a text but you did just we just talk it's not we're not being douches but you did just realize like three weeks ago that your phone was waterproof so you could be texting from the hot tub I'm just saying I mean it you could actually it sometimes sometimes just for kicks I've got my Bluetooth music going and I just put my phone under the surface of the hot tub just a little goal the music goes away and then I bring it back up just to experience technology i what yeah once you told me that my phone was waterproof leaks had two generations of iphone that were waterproof and didn't know it until we were in in Fiji speaking of douche bags we were the most self aware of podcasts we were snorkeling in Fiji and I had my phone out no it was when I was I was uh I was videoing you guys my kids and your kids and you on the banana boat being pulled behind yeah the thing and you were like hey phones waterproof I was like yes so was your got the same phone and you does it in the Bible and I couldn't believe it so then yeah actually last week my my family was all outside in the hot tub mm-hmm and I wasn't outside I came outside and I had I had my phone in my hand and I am I jumped in my jumped in to delve in the pool and then I swam up to where they were and I pulled up my phone and acted like I was talking on it cuz I thought that would be cool yeah yeah it would've been cool in like 2015 and then and then Lily was like dad you just you you just don't with your glasses on your glasses are at the bottom of the pool dad move ahead big Wow dad I had to swim down there and retrieve my no you're scared to go into the bottom of the pool so man who knew that our Soviet films you in the bottom could go to another level panicking because we're gonna text each other I am so excited for us right yep so I don't know what the moral of the story is I guess it's some combination of texting and face-to-face communication is the basis of true friendship and romantic relationships don't text too much don't text too literally the next two little don't do that you want to be in you want to be in the Goldilocks region when it comes to texting and face-to-face contact so let us know what you think join the conversation use hashtag ear biscuits wherever hashtags are used and we'll continue the conversation I enjoy hello let me text you some rice I can make our bark okay bye [Music]

Channel: Ear Biscuits

Views: 28,371

Keywords: mythical, ear biscuits, gmm podcast, earbiscuits, rhett and link podcast, eb, mythical morning, rhett and link, ear biscuit, podcast, mythical podcast, rhett, gmm, earbiscuit, good mythical morning, rhettandlink, link

Id: O-FeRDaGRL8

Length: 64min 18sec (3858 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 07 2019