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because sometimes existing is exhausting. "I used to watch her on Twitch." "How far she's fallen." There's nothing wrong with
working at a coffee shop if you like it. Okay? My name is Anthony Padilla, and I spent
the with Tina Kitten to uncover the truth about how rapidly becoming a popular streamer
has forced her to face blatant lies published about her, why she regrets choosing
the username TinaKitten, and how she's utilizing her experience with dangerous parasocial relationships
to protect the next generation. Hello, Tina. [laughs] Were you going to give me a hug? We'll go for a hug. I thought you went in for a hug. [laughs] [music] When I googled your name, so many news articles came
up that were just full of rumors. Rumors? That you're dating Corpse. Oh. [laughs] We know it exists, but we're just like meh. Was any part of you prepared for the kind of attention
that you now receive? No. Do you think anyone's prepared, though? Maybe unless they're born into that. Yes. If you're part of royalty
or something and from birth they're like, "You're going to have lots
of people trying to devour you with words and take advantage of you at any moment and exploit everything about you." I don't think anybody's really capable of having that many opinions on them. Yes. I just don't think
people are meant for that. [music] You are seen as one of the most positive and wholesome figures on the internet. Aww. Do you think that it's difficult to uphold that idea that people have of you? I would always want
to be as somebody positive. Wholesome is more so the difficult one,
because, obviously, sometimes I get angry. I play games, you know? I'm competitive. I've heard you say the [redacted] word once. Yes, the [redacted] word. [clears throat] [laughs] When I first started streaming,
I did not swear that much, and now I swear so much. [beeping] Why? Because you're surrounded
by other people that do? Corpse and Emma are bad influences. Sometimes, they're like,
"Can I use the B-word coupon?" I would call them a bitch.
"Why, Corpse? You're a bitch." [laughs] Also, sometimes I feel
like when you're wholesome, I don't want anybody to mix up
wholesomeness with being naive. I wouldn't want anyone to think,
"Oh, just because she's nice to me, it means she knows nothing about the world." From what I've seen from your community,
everyone is so supportive. Yes. They're nice. Encouraging and very positive,
and I feel like that is, in many ways, a symbol of who you are. Oh. What the heck? Thanks, Anthony. [laughs] I'm stating facts. As long as you're checking them constantly, I would say it's a pretty good reflection
of you as a creator. [music] Considering you blew up so quickly, you gained 9,000 followers
in the first two years of streaming. Yes. Oh, my God. Then one million in the next year. What were some fo
the unforeseen struggles that you faced? I actually enjoyed having a larger audience. I just struggled with feeling
undeserving of the audience. Imposter syndrome. Yes. Exactly. But I will say that I almost kind of enjoyed having more people watch because I think
when I was a younger streamer, the level of parasocial
relationships that I developed. The smaller audience
was actually scarier to me. I started streaming when I was like,
what, 15, 14. I don't why, I just had-- Maybe. I don't know why,
but I had an audience of older dudes. I struggled drawing
boundaries when I was younger. If somebody subscribes to you,
sometimes they think they are entitled to your time because they gave
you $4.99 a month. Yes. I'm just like, "Whoa." Did you feel tempted to give people
things because they kind of felt entitled? I would sometimes be peoples' therapists. Type out all their emotions
to you all the time. I'm 16. I'm like, "Yes. Homework." That's what it cost. For $4.99 a month,
you can get therapy from a 16 year-old. [laughter] [music] Even Tina gets hate comments? Yes, I do. It's just strange to see that with you. Right. Sometimes, people think it's fake. Whoa. Who you are? People are like,
"She's being so nice and for what?" No. She's really not like this when I met
her out front. She screamed at me, threw me on the ground, and stepped on my face
and then punched a hole in the wall. Then robbed him. Then you jumped on a Razor
scooter and flipped it so it hit my ankle. [laughs] Not the Razor scooter. It's a lot easier to deal with
it when you know where it comes from. If it's something about me being
feminine or soft-spoken or whatever, I'm like, "Fertilized misogyny." When you can kind of source
where their hurt would come from, it makes it easier for me to deal with it. Do you deal with people
who imply that you're too loud, you need to make yourself smaller? I did at first when i was growing,
feel the need to make myself smaller. Maybe say less because I felt
the more I had to say, the more bad stuff would be coming my way. You thought that you were bringing it on? When people are saying
so many bad things to you, obviously you're going to be like,
"I'm doing something wrong." I think once I took
the time to try to source where the criticism came from,
I was like, okay. [music] I remember I used
to cry like after my streams, especially early on in the beginning. I'd be like, "Thanks so much
for watching guys," end stream. [laughs] All of your emotions would come out? It was overwhelming, allowing myself to experience
a ton of emotion through just crying is healthy instead
of getting mad at people or holding it in and then exploding at somebody. The more you get into the habit
of venting on the internet, that feedback can be addicting. When the internet does give you a response that you wish you could get from a friend,
but on a huge level. It's addicting. It's very addicting. You also don't want to get into the habit of self-deprecation
too because that can also be addicting when you use it to cope all the time,
sometimes you say bad things to yourself. I used to really fall into habits
of being self-deprecating on the internet
because I felt like it was easy and It's relatable. It's relatable and it was an easy way
for me to point out flaws that I saw in myself before other people
had the chance to point them out. That is also what I do all the time. I'm trying to stop
doing that because it's like, if I say that I have a big forehead, no one else can say it first to hurt me. [laughs] For a while,
I did the opposite where I turned the joke into something really positive where I was overly confident and surprisingly people
treated me like I was deserving of more respect
because I treated myself that way. Wow. You know those infographics
where they show someone shy and intimidate and then someone looks super confident,
even in my brain, when I see that I'm like, "Yes,
that person deserves a raise." [laughter] They get stuff done. There is so much truth
behind just body language to know how confident someone is. Notice my shoulders-- I'm confident, I deserve a raise. [laughter] [music] You were born in South Korea? Yes I was. How long did you live there? 14 years, 15. 14 years there? Accumulative yes. I was born, I had moved when I was six, and then came back when I was like maybe 10. Then you moved back to the US. What were some of the big culture shocks? Racism. Big reason is why I don't know
Korean anymore is because I completely took it out of me because there were so many people
that were like, 'Why are your eyes shaped like that?" I was the only non-white
person in my school. I was like, "Oh, I just don't think
I want to be Korean right now." [laughs] I was so young. I didn't know and I'm so sad
that that happened because when I moved
back to Korea I was like, "Oh, God,
everybody embraces being Korean here." When I was younger, I was angry and alone. I lived in a retirement neighborhood. All my neighbors were old people,
and during recess, I would bury myself in wood chips. [laughter] It was a cold winter and I needed a nap. But did you isolate yourself? I think I struggled with
social cues a lot back then. I was just a kid, kids are a little weird. I remember when I would eat meal time, I would sit at my dinner table
for two hours, my parents would be like, "This is just getting ridiculous. This is obviously going to hold
our child back." They started timing my meals. How much time
would you have to eat your meal? Maybe like an hour which you would think-- That's plenty of time. [laughs] That's what I'm saying, but there would still be
so much food left on the plate. [laughter] Even to this day,
my friends say, "Tina time." [laughs] Tina time, what is Tina time? It means so slow. I'm the last person to leave meal time, last person to leave a room because I'm still getting my stuff together. I have a poor measurement
of time in my head. I don't know
how long we've been sitting here. Six hours. Well, maybe not. [laughter] You have a little measure of time. Yes, a little measurement, but I genuinely can't say
if it's been like-- Has it been one hour? Actually, almost exactly. It's been exactly one hour. That's amazing. Maybe I do-- [music] Tina understood the concept of time. It wasn't a bad childhood. I did hang out by myself. I would throw my flip flop
into a ditch and chase after it and wade through the water. What kind of ditch was it? Was it sewage? Ooh, my God. No, I would hope not. Then it sounds fun. It was a good time. Oh, that explains like all the disease. [laughter] But then when I came inside,
I played games a lot. I would always get
hand-me-downs from my dad. I would always just daydream
about like medieval stuff, though, like dragons and magic probably
because of the games that I would play, I never thought I would stream it one day. Isn't it interesting that the thing in your life that was bringing you joy, that was the disconnect
from the rest of your life, disconnect from reality,
became the thing that now is your reality? Crazy when your parents are like, oh like you'll never get a job
playing games, and then you do. When did you first start
blowing up on the internet? I think September, 2020. That's so recent. Isn't that insane? Why did you start blowing up? Oh, Among Us. Were you watching the numbers? Were you obsessed with the growth? It felt bad because I was like taking
from people. Like you were leaching off of them? Yes. That's the worst feeling. I was like, oh God, this sucks. You felt like you didn't deserve
the audience that you built because you were just taking? No, that felt so bad. I didn't know how to address that feeling,
and sometimes I still don't, intentional or not. It just happened to be that way. When you started getting
popular playing Among Us and you started seeing
your numbers skyrocket, what were the thoughts
that were going through your head? "Oh, my God. I'll be okay." Financially, I felt like I was in shambles. It did a help with a lot
of the things that I was struggling with. Did the thought ever come to mind,
oh, this might be my thing. I might have a career here? When I hit 100k on Twitch. Oh, I'm growing fast. This is exciting
because I thought that if I continued to stream for the rest of my life,
I still wouldn't hit 100K. For years, 9K. In my head, I was like, if I do the math,
maybe I'll do like 81 day, like 80K. 80 by the time you're 80. Exactly.
I just had hit 100K and it was so soon. I remember being so excited and I was like, obviously this isn't going to get
too much bigger? Then it did. I was like, yes. Did you have to sit
your parents down and say, "Mom, dad, not going to school anymore. I'm going to play games." I did not have to do that. They had known
that this was like something I did, They didn't know that any financial
support I had was real. They thought it was monopoly money,
basically, until I actually brought home
like a drawing tablet, and I was like, "Look, mom," she was like,
"Oh, that's real money." I was like, "Yes, it is." Shayoshi wants to know-- Do you know Shayoshi? Yes. Shayoshi wants to know
if you knew that you'd blow up, would you have chosen the name Tina Kitten? Nuh-uh. No? No. Why? Have you ever heard
of the term discord kitten? No. Should I have? I don't know. It just--Do I hang out
with the wrong people? I don't know. Maybe the right people. It's just like when you just call
someone a kitten, does that make sense like the implications
feel very like weird to me. Like get on your knees and purr? Yes. That kind of thing, and I'm like,
"Maybe I don't want that". I was a child, I was like, I like cats. I didn't really ever think
it would be an alias that would be put on things. That's the name of this video? It is. It's an all caps. It is an all cap. Maybe it would've been something like,
I don't really know. I never really thought about it. Actually sometimes people call me crunch. Crunch? Do you hate that? I love crunch. Crunch, yes. Why are you crunch? There's very little
to assume about that name. On my birthday, oh,
this made me so teary eyed, but it was happy birthday crunch was the hashtag
that they trended or something. It was so cute. Are you fearing something
that when these numbers are below a certain point
that this fear comes up? What would you say is your worst
fear about what would happen to your career
if the numbers dropped too far? By the way, I've also had corpse
and a ton of Tina's other friends on here, not to mention the upcoming
episodes with Nihachu and Valkyrae, a ton of others, which you could find here or on the completely uncensored
podcast version of the show, which you could find out
in the description below. It goes without saying, I'd like to thank BetterHelp
for their continued sponsorship. Therapy has been really beneficial in allowing me to have empathy for my younger self and therefore understand who I am today more and can be customized
to whatever is right for you. It provides tools to help
with common struggles, like motivation or feelings of depression,
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a therapist that you like and connect with can be overwhelming, which is why BetterHelp
offers a more affordable alternative to in-person therapy,
where you can start communicating with your therapist in less than 48 hours. That is why I'm thankful to BetterHelp
for giving, I spent a day with viewers and listeners 10% off their first
month at betterhelp.com/padilla. That's betterhelp.com/padilla. Now back to the world at Tina Kitten. What would you say is your worst
fear about what would happen to your career
if the numbers dropped too far? I was thinking in my head
that I'll work at a coffee shop, maybe I'll just get
a little business degree, or work at a coffee shop, but I was like,
I don't know how sustainable that'll be, but maybe as long as I'm happy. I would feel really sad if people came to the coffee shop
that I was working at and bullied me. I used to watch her on Twitch. How far she's fallen. There's nothing wrong with
working at a coffee shop if you like it. If anybody looks down on me being a barrister after being a Twitch streamer,
I'll get upset. Your worst fear is that you're going to do a job that you like? Well, that people would bully me, but I don't think I'm even at that stage where people
would even come in by the masses. Also the type of audience that you foster. They're nice. They would love you. They would come in and be like,
"Holy shit, Tina works here." I wish, that'd be so cute. You feel a little bit of fear about what might happen
if these numbers are too low. This is stressful. It's because I'm not done yet. I'm having so much fun. [music] Dating. Oh. You keep your private life very private. How do you choose
what to bring people in on? I would always just
assume it's nobody's business. I could only imagine, people already
take friendships to such an extreme. I've been in a few public
relationships online. It even got to a point
where it was like a daily vlog, everything that we do on camera,
we're putting it out every single day. Unsolicited opinions
would seep into my head, it really altered the way that I perceive
everything in the relationship. I just don't think
your relationships with people are meant to be analyzed like that anyways, and so it's just like some things
aren't meant to be private I think. It's tempting to let people in though because people like that connection. There's this almost like I feel
like the need to be fully transparent, open, but there's got to be a divide. A lot of people have work-life balance, and I feel like just
because I'm a content creator doesn't mean I should deny
myself that same balance. This is still,
at the end of the day, it's work. It is work. [music] What's next for Tina Kitten? Once, I would say, the world opens back up, I want to do like IRL streams. A couple of years prior, I did
backpacking and I love traveling a lot. I like experiencing the world with people. I think it's so fun. I would be terrified of IRL
streaming because people know where you are in the stream at all times. Are you going to hire a bodyguard? Yes, I will. Multiple. Yes. Don't mess with me, They'll get you. [laughs] You were recently announced
as a creator with 100 Thieves, that e-sports organization. What was that like for you? Was that a huge moment? It felt like the next step. I had always felt like,
for one, I would never, I guess be a part of an org. I felt like I didn't fit the image,
but it was cool because I felt like, I don't know,
they recognize me as a creator. Isn't it interesting that you didn't ask for anyone to recognize you that way? In fact, you pushed away the idea
of someone thinking too highly of you, but you have 100 Thieves coming to you, you were just brought on for the Dream SMP, you're part of these big groups, and I think that in and of itself
shows that you are deserving. That's so nice. I don't know. Is it chalked up? Yes, chalked up. Choked up. It's not chalk? I think it's choked up. What's the chalked one then? You chalk it up to something. That is what I'm talking. I'm all chalked up. [laughter] I personally am making
an effort to be more accepting of things like that just because I think when I am being
a go-getter and things like that, it would inspire my audience
to do the same because I think it is such a bad habit to tear
down on myself and not go for things and stuff because I'm like they're watching and if they see that I reject opportunities because I don't feel like I'm good enough or I explain that I don't feel
like I'm good enough, I don't want them to then also put
themselves down in that way. Do you feel like in a sense having
this audience that you care about and treating yourself
the way that you want them to treat themselves
has been beneficial for you? Yes. It makes me want
to be a better me all the time, which I'm very grateful
for because I'm like, "Ooh, I wonder if I was by myself
if this would be the same case," but it's because I know
that there are people watching, I want to be a better me so other people are inspired to be a better them. What is it about doing
what you do that brings you the most joy? Seeing a lot more girls in this space and being able to teach
them how to draw boundaries and being that person that can provide
that kind of comfort to people, that makes me
super happy because it's something that I wish I had growing up a little bit. It's really fun to see the space changing. I spent a day with Tina Kitten, one of the most magnetically
kindhearted people I've ever met. One thing that really sits with me
is how so many of us have the idea that using self-deprecation is a medicine
that allows us to acknowledge and even circumvent negativity
about us before it ever reaches us, but it may actually be
the very thing that invites negativity and poison into our lives
in the first place. [music] You haven't drank water? Why drink water when you have blood? Huh? Oh, my gosh. Explains a lot. Do not go to Idrinkblood.com. Is that a real website? Oh, yes. Idrinkblood.com. Yes, it's [redacted] up. Do not go there. Do not go to Idrinkblood.com, do not. Is it real? Never go there. Guys, answer me. Why is everyone so quiet? [laughter] Is it a real website?
