"I Might Forgive... But I Don't Forget" Full Conversation with Jay "Jeezy" Jenkins & Nia Long

my therapist always says take care of little Nia mhm so when you see this photo of yourself what What feelings do you [Music] [Applause] have my grandmother uh was very religious she made me go to church and Sunday School and easter speeches and all that I didn't realize at then I just went because I was supposed to be going yeah right but it came to some points in my life where thing just happened that was so real that there was nowhere to go but with God what was the activation moment of trauma for you I think there was several things I think that the first was being left with a babysitter there was a woman that was older than me I me that was older and and her you know touching and doing things to me that don't normally happen to kids right like molesting right basically so I I was introduced to sex at a very young yeah second thing was that I had this lady that lived next door to us in an apartment she was married to this guy they had two kids was around my age and I used to hang out with them and I was there one day and I remember like it was yesterday they got to a argument yeah and me me and the little boys was playing in the room and I heard you know and I heard that saying before yeah you I you wait till I get back I'll be right back and I kind of looked at the boys I'm like yo you know and and sure enough he came running upstairs and he went in the closet right and when he was going to the closet he was fing through the closet and I saw when he pulled it out it was like a big like had to be like a silver 357 oh my God and I looked at them and I immediately was like yo we got to hide yeah and but why did you know to hide because I had been around that before growing up MH so I went and climbed under the sink in the bathroom and head and I heard some yelling and all right was he killed his the wife he he didn't kill her he shot her like four times oh my God right and he ran left us there my mom and dad came looking for me um eventually you they found me under the sink when the police said everything was there but I just you know they just stuck with me right and before I was eight M I had already accepted this is this is the norm right I was already desensitized and I at eight years old yeah I was already thinking like okay this this is what life is and it gave me the thing to like always like protect myself right yeah yeah cuz nothing felt safe do you have siblings at this my brother died when we was younger what it is do to your mother I mean my mother had a like very toxic relationship you and your mom yes my sister sister is my little sister right but I call her my little big sister because she's probably the only person that can talk s to me my relationship with my father was probably very toxic how so well because he wasn't there okay I didn't have the example of what a family was supposed to look like right the first thing before you marry someone it's like what is his relationship like with his mother I feel like my mother it came from her not being raised right very solid very verbal very cold I just remember that I was kind of on the outside because I look so much like my father they they divorced and all I know is my father just told me straight up he'll never trust another woman again which made me go [ __ ] well what was that about because whatever happened between them hurt him so one was not feeling safe and protected when you were molested right two was a void of love and compassion and acceptance from your mom Y and then the third one was okay okay now I'm going to completely disconnect from myself here because there is no love here and I'm going to go to the streets and I'm going to hustle and I'm going to make money and I'm going to prove that I'm worthy of this love and I'm going to be somebody when I went in my mother's house I had to be around 13 14 maybe yeah and the reason why I left because she pulled a gun on me right and and basically told me like you know you going to either do what I say I'm going to take you out this world type thing I was just like y why was she so hard I don't really know her father like that and as I get older I start to realize that you just never know what somebody went through you know one thing I about my mother she was spicy uhhuh like she she got she got a tongue that can cut half the world down I love it so I'm raising boys right it's very interesting when you are trying to get that young boy to be a man and to go out into the world and I would say that I do a good job of being present with them right but then there's that part of me where I'm like I don't want to raise Mama's Boys I got an option to go to this boot camp and in that camp I was able to get my GED learn life skills and a bunch of different things it was my first time being pulled away from my environment right so it it definitely gave me time to think about you know what I wanted to do in my life where I wanted to go and it was a different type of experience because it was like a lot of uh structure something that I wasn't used to and it's crazy cuz I never forget um it was it was uh one of the times that I was there and I was getting ready to get out but I remember um we went on the field trip cuz it was near water and I remember just being on the military ship like you know because the waves are crashing against it I was just like I don't want to go back home I might just should jump over really yeah and I I I thought about it a few times it was so real that's the probably the only time in my life where I haven't felt that low that I felt like this could be the end for me yeah and you know I buckled back down I came home um and I definitely turned my hustle up like I I I I just went about it as a business and this is around the time that I had my son right and and and he made me focus on becoming a man we are born as beings meant to be here to love right that's the crazy thing though because as I say at 46 I can tell you that yeah but I can't honestly tell you that I've experienced love like especially unconditional like I couldn't tell you that it was always something to it well maybe you had to get open to it first to heal it to attract it well I mean you know when you're when you're coming up in a family right there should be at least a baseline of Health in and just healthy yes you know just conversation right and I can say that I probably got more love in the streets than I did when I was and that's one of the reason why I love my grandmother so much because she gave she was the only person that I can recall my dad's folks was a little more common yeah my mom's folks they W playing in the radio is your mom still alive no my mom passed my mom passed during Co she had dementia and so my dad same my dad passed away the day after Kobe Bryant crazy thing is when she was there and I was I was going to visit her and when she had dementia it was a little crazy because I couldn't really because I was trying to get to a space where I can forgive her I try to talk to her and then you know my mom smart even if she had di mention it's like when I started talking about the horror stuff she started like you know acting like she don't really understand what I'm saying she didn't want to talk about it it was too painful for her yeah you know I love my mother you know what I'm saying of course you do and I think I spent most of my life which is probably one of the reason while I'm successful yeah it was trying to prove that I'm enough and every time I got to uh Milestone there was no fulfillment there right because because she didn't acknowledge she didn't acknowledge [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it I can't say this you know lately I've definitely been on my journey so I've done a lot of work one of my uncles just passed and he's one of my favorite uncles everybody who knows my music know I talk about him he's my first uncle that gave me $20 and and I flipped it a zillion times and that's how I'm here yeah and his name was b b slick and he gave me his uh disability check he passed uh last month H and that must have been tough it's crazy because I went to the funeral home in our hometown now and I went and saw him right and I hadn't seen him in a while and uh and I he had a smirk on his face and I was like Liv slick he still giving him hell boy he think it's funny yeah he go but it's crazy because he was laying the exact same place the last place I saw my mom and so on the way back I tell my driver I give him my address and I say yo take me to this address and we pull up it's like a old church and my sister has it set up now nice out there when we set it up nice where when my mom's buried we got like a bench and all these things she has a crown on stuff so it's really beautiful right and it's peaceful and I went out there because I had some life changes that was going on and I just I wrote her a letter on the way there and I sat down I read the letter to her I told her about her new granddaughter how how how amazing Beauty she was I told her that working on my relationship with my son and we're in a kind of cool place I told her about my middle daughter and how how beautiful she's turning now I told her about you know my life changes and the things that you know that I'm concerned about some of my fears you know what I'm saying and you know and I basically forgave her oh that's good and my basis of the letter was to tell her you know everything that was going on in my life and you know even if she's not proud I understand what did you say in the moment of forgiveness I understand what it's like to raise a rebellious kid I understand what it's like like to have your own wounds that your work that she need to do right and she didn't get a chance to do that and I understand that maybe she had a different way of loving me that I didn't understand right and and and cuz my mom the type of you if I go to the basketball court and get jumped she going to take me around there to fight everybody one onone me too I'm taking my kids too she like come on him first him second and I got your back and the vaseline's in the car and I'm going take my earrings off and go yeah that's her but do you understand that that was her way of loving you well this is what happened um and and and this is I'm going keep it a bu this was like I was in LA so this was like maybe two nights ago um or early morning meditation meditating morning and um I was meditating and I had a vision that I saw my mom and I was talking to her and was just talking and I just I just asked her I said you know I forgive you but can you forgive me for not for taking what she gave me and embodying that right and having that same type of energy because when my mother died I didn't I didn't grieve right I didn't I didn't cry I didn't not at all nothing and I asked her to forgive me for not sending her off right one thing I learned about life now is that I even if somebody treats you wrong right it's it's it's how you react or respond absolutely right been the biggest lesson for me and I can't look at what she did to me and then right my response is is is what we had and I and I promise you like I sat there and I explain to her you know the things that affected me and why I couldn't connect at that moment and that you know she asked me for forgiveness but I wanted her to forgive me it's like we left in a gray space right where she doesn't know how I feel I don't know how she feels I promise it was like this uh this pain like it was like somebody like stabbing you in the chest with a with a pitchfork or something and and it was just like hurting so bad and when she when she told me that she understood I starting to feel it dissolve when you get to a place where you can forgive even when there's pain involved right that's freedom I it's it's so tricking because I I I promise you like I'm a Libra so I'm like a very balanced and fair person but 99.9% of the people I've Liv in my life have have have wronged or did something I just was like Wow and and and it it could be anyone from anything so it's always just that and I go back to that instance when I was in that under that cabinet you feel what I'm saying it's just like you you you feel that and I imagine going through that you know throughout your life and that's what I have to tell people like I don't think people understand that it's like when you tell people you lost this many people they look at it like you're exaggerating but it's you got to really think about it let's just say Tupac Tupac was 25 six when he died imagine how how many people he lost if he ever sat down and told you I'm double his age I live past him so I've lived four or five different lives as you had these different versions of self right did you feel connected to the experience or did you have an awareness to say I know that what I'm doing is wrong but this is what I have to do to survive well this is the thing I learned my gifts early on yeah I was a Visionary because I always see things and I noticed that I was a disruptor because I I find myself going with the not so popular decision uhhuh you know but I know what's right in my heart and I'm a Problem Solver and going back backwards like God gave me a gift I understand that because he kept me safe he kept me alive he kept me free and he made me successful in a sense I hadn't gave anything back to him yet which is why I lost my voice because I told my vocal CS in the beginning of my career which is why how did you do that not knowing how to perform and tore my my vocal cords did you have to have an operation yeah and I didn't have insurance M I had three Lamborghinis and no insurance yeah I insurance on my cars and didn't have insurance on me I had to pay for it with a brown paper bag after that I did my prey and he got me out of it and then I um got hit with a bell spazing oh that's and my face was crooked that's like one of the last time I talked to my mother cuz I told her I was scared I was like I don't I don't think my face will ever go back again cuz it was like crcket and but do you remember what happened when because you know that's a that's a emotional nerve thing well I wasn't taking care of myself I was drinking crystyle for breakfast Waffle House God yeah I was too 60 I was I was just in bad shape I got an album out that's doing well yeah I'm going around the world I'm at War you know what I'm saying I'm losing friends left to right I'm at war with people who have you know at the time way more money than I did and more influence and power yeah and it's like I'm just holding my own right again under that sink and it's just like the same people that told me they was my brothers now they trying to kill me like imagine that right and this a this ain't like around the corner this is state to state right so now I'm dealing with all this and I'm trying to navigate it and um you know God got me out of that again look I think it's really important for black men and black women to have these conversations I don't think we have these conversations enough and I think it's a really tragic place when there's a person who's afraid of intimacy right because intimacy is the trigger in which we can actually start to unpack ourselves are you guarded cuz you seem guarded yeah very one thing is my relationships have been very much on the surface when I started losing a lot of people right cuz you don't want to talk about love relationships or homies like people homies and then even love relationships I've been in where you know people just sayin right you do realize and I've had to learn this too cuz I can be guarded as well right right is if you are carrying that you attract that so someone else is guarded or someone else is not being their full authentic self it's because in some sort of way we haven't settled it and and and I think it's really hard to do when you're in the industry that we're in because everything about this industry tells you you have to be a certain version of yourself that people expect you to be but see that's the thing see I I I go even farther back yeah because my situations are dire right because if you're not guarded then you're dead there you go and you know if you're not guarded and you're not smart then you end up in prison if you're not guarded you're not smart then you up in these situations where you know you're on the losing it been going into music it didn't make it any better because now these this same type of energy follow but see that's the thing that's where the the impostor syndrome get reversed yeah because it's not me wanting to be like them is them wanted to be like me right I'm the truth I ain't his daddy his cousin his uncle his brother I'm him like there's nobody that I know that's walked this path of life that I walk that can stand while I stand and say I did the things that I did anybody who really has Common Sense knows that right but I want to ask you how do you know that I'm guarded just by having this conversation cuz I'm from where you from and I see him game recognize game I see you guard too though a little bit just well I'm I'm yeah I am yeah I'm guard would make you guarded don't [ __ ] with my kids that's like off limits right not even a little bit and if you do you will hear from me that comes from me not always feeling safe as little Nia and me not wanting my children to ever not feel like they don't have me active in their lives as their safety I love my son I think he's an amazing guy I think he's very charismatic I think he got all the things but I think that the way I've tried to love him over the years was totally wrong not his love language for one and I think the things that I stealed in him as a youngster you know doesn't serve him now you know I had a really um public breakup recently it was a wakeup call for me in the sense of like okay you're going to do this on your own and you're going to be fine and you're not going to worry about what anyone thinks and has to say cuz relationship was Rocky for a very long time so cuz I don't believe another person can break anyone up like I just don't I don't buy that right to your point with your son I think my older son saw me trying to keep the family together but I had to come to a place where loving myself was bigger and more important than saving anybody well if you can't if you got to save your star player if your star player is not doing good the teams can we not talk players can we use a different can we say like the best horse in the race oh my God but the reason but the reason I know that you're guarded is because when I was in high school I only dated drug dealers oh really oh my God that's where I was I lived in South Central La that's what it was wow I would have never thought that really no but going through your um your trials and tribulations like I know you're working on yourself like we all are do you feel that you're okay like not what people are supposed to see and supposed to think you I think I'm exactly where I need to be which is some days I'm like totally good and then other days I'm like oh God this feel like so much work I feel that you know and then other days it feels like uh women shouldn't have to be this strong right I don't want to be this strong sometimes right K you made me cry he I got you first but you're good though no I'm good I mean listen it is what it is you like I mean it's it's life is a funny thing because like I always saw myself my vision myself was um you know well medic cured man good skin wedding band play Jane watch you this right now that's not PL Jane by the way very reminiscent of Hustler days I feel you know that's a little husty we're supposed to be play Jade but I felt a little spicy n [ __ ] that ain't play Jade and um I don't think anybody has should have to be that strong black people have survived insurmountable obstacles the the Journey of being black in America is not easy and I'm not a victim to any of it but I'm realistic to the journey I know how I am treated differently in certain situations I understand that I have to raise my boys to be men I understand that I have to figure out the balance between being soft and vulnerable and open is that hard like no because that's who I want to be that's who I really am but I I would say personally like I would appreciate that because it's hard you know because women have it their own thing they go through and then when you deal with men and you you have that hard exterior is is it's hard you right because we already fighting the world you know what I'm saying but so are we but that's where we got to find the happy media I didn't have enough examples in my own life to like understand what it really meant or what it really means to see a relationship between a man and a woman that is healthy and balanced and and you work through things instead of like every conversation is not an argument right and I don't think black men and black women have those conversations enough even now we're doing the work that don't mean everybody else is on board and that's the crazy part that's the thing they you got to let them go you got to let them go and you got to let them be on their own journey and you can't fight for it anymore and you got to love them exactly where they are and you got to say baby you know what the hardest thing to do is to walk away from someone that you still love you Ain tell me a pastor too no I'm just speaking from my own speaking from like I 1,00% agree because the hardest thing I had to do in life was walking away from everything that I knew that could support me right that's right but what was the moment that you knew you had to walk away some thing happened in in the bay somebody got killed and they tried to put it on us while I was on tour West Khalifa they came and lock me up right here in La I just remember being in jail and um you know I took care of everybody a million dollar bill for everybody $10 million oh my God I'm sitting in the county jail and soon as I get in there somebody comes to get me out and they're like we got to get you out of here and I'm like no I can't leave these people in the county jail I gotta stay here until you know I can get everybody out the same way we came in yeah and you know of course I didn't want to tell nobody how to touch my finances so I had to figure that part out and I'm getting everybody out but my point is I sat in there for two weeks until I can get everybody out right the people that I had that was supposed to be in my corner ain't nobody check on my son my daughter household nothing and I when I got out of jail I was at the lowest point of my life I did everything right on this tour I didn't take any gang members or nothing crazy I took the people that was working I stayed on my bus the whole time I did everything right and I got caught up I had uh Minister farakhan calling me every other day like Jeezy brother the enemies is coming and I'm just like what the hell is going on so why is he calling you he called me and said brother Jeezy your message is changing the enemy is coming to get you I said with all due respect Mr farak all my enemies in my neighborhood I'm not going back there no time soon he said no the enemy but he was saying was that my message was tasing and I was starting to educate my people right wow and now here comes the enemy and he was aying it was it was when I got to that Arena to do my show in front of 30,000 people it was my turn to go on stage it was maybe 70 police back there wait they take me to jail it was a span of my life maybe like three years probably shortly after my first album like I I it was shootout the shootout like I've been in shootout my dad being right that and it's like a combo of everything so it's a combo of the street [ __ ] I had going on before that yeah it's a combo of the get money life with these guys and then as a combo of just people that I just never had a liking for they didn't have a liking for me that we just was in the same city trying to coexist I used to get up and pick my outfit based on what I was if I if it happened tonight how I was going to look right you were like if I die tonight my [ __ ] going to be fly do you realize what that does to your psyche just leaving the house thinking I'm like I got to make sure my [ __ ] is fly if I get killed boxes everything I want to wear the best boxes I will not have any holes in my underwear I promise you that was my life I didn't I didn't understand how I was going to even make it out right and that's where all the drinking came in because now I'm trying to self Soo I'm trying to were you alcoholic 1,00% did you go to like AA or did you just no I just stopped you stopped because my mom and my dad they was you know my mom's side of the family they drink a lot and um when I was leaning in on my vices I started to notice that there was a couple of things that happened a few times where I wasn't sharp and I was just like okay if I don't if I don't stop this I'm gonna get got and then I would just like back away from the alcohol and what I would do is well two things the first thing is I want I wanted to get healthy so I got down I dropped 60 lbs got myself together this is right before the recession because anytime of my career before from Street's watching to the recession which was about six years yeah I was out of it like I wasn't even I was Leading Men right I I work everywhere with 150 200 people in every city I went to it's another 300 waiting ERS it was like it was like a real thing and I was needing everybody off the end of a cliff [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so you were saying that you feel like we can't connect because we're doing too much time fighting each other absolutely instead of fighting for the relationship or fighting for love and understanding and commitment and compassion and but it starts with with men feeling you know comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open and that's a hard thing to ask a man to do because we were not conditioned that way we were not a lot of us weren't raised that way it can be considered a sign of weakness in the same way the therapy is considered a sign of weakness we're talking about your experiences and my experiences we have more in common than we probably ever thought we did right and so to me that's the thing that makes me feel this sense of urgency to have this conversation with you but also there's a hopefulness there's a hopefulness that if we actually each do the work we can actually come together because there's nothing more important to me than black people right we are the greatness in every room right we are the ones who set it off and make it happen we are the ones that create the culture we are the artists we are theart artist we are the voices right that lead the masses but what has always hurt me to the core is why is there this dismantlement of the black family why isn't it that black men and black women can't sit like you and I are sitting in a space and have really open dialogues about things and and work through the trauma because that's the only way we can really really right really be productive you said if it couldn't work then you would leave yes even if there was a family even if there was kids involved if the other person is not willing to do the Deep hard work wow then you stay and when you stay you have to make yourself smaller to stay to survive 1,000% agree with you or or you may not I think for a woman it means you have to make yourself smaller to feel like you're fitting into this space with this person who's not ready yet right you can still love them by the way right you can still love them you can still wish them the best you can still you I mean you might have moments where you want to cuss somebody out like that's normal like we we have feelings and emotions but you can love people right where they are right because to me that's really a sign of my own personal growth if you can love the person that hurts you right but you mean love them from afar you love them from afar you wish them well you bless them on their journey and you hope that the next time around that they have the opportunity to do the work that they do work what happens when you're a man and and you want nothing more than that right and that's not what you're getting on the other side and there are kids involved right and there's somewhat love there and you understand that somebody else might have their thing but they're not taking this journey with you of healing because I think love is two people healing together and giving each other the space to do so and the thing for me is um I you know when I when I went to visit my mother that day I went to forgive her but I also went to tell her that I'm going to stand up for my for L Jay that's right right the little Jay that she put in that position and I think a lot of my healing Journey especially in my real life had a lot to do with me never standing up to my mother the right way that's right which made me be a certain way in real life you're kind of all the things right what said all the things you mean I mean like like you you've kind of you're like a cat you've kind of lived Nine Lives you've had many different versions of self so right now where are we in my life I wanted to have a family fa yeah I that's I I wanted to be that guy I wanted to be the person to get it right get it right me too I wanted to get get right to to be right do all the things and when you get in that space and you're letting your inner child down and you're not protecting them and that's making you shrink in situations like that too men do yes because if you're not appreciated if you met with resistance if you met with that inner thing that somebody else has from their thing to me that's fixable you got to want to do the work I am I agree but you just said clearly the person doesn't mean that you out there's an expiration date on everything right like and you got to know when it's time to be done right and that's usually not about another person an affair or you know some chick that's willing to like make you feel like a king cuz that's why most men cheat most men cheat because that's fascinating to me it's so gross it's so stupid I personally this is my quote real [ __ ] don't cheat you don't think so hell no I kind of understand what you mean when you say that they do not I understand what you mean when you say that something in US yeah that makes us want to be right right across the board but is that so that you you are living up to the expectation that you've set for yourself because again you're going back to your childhood wounds of trying to be perfect to to receive the love from your mom or is or is that really where you've landed that you want to be a man that does things the right way because you want to be honorable and you want to respect the woman that you're with CU those are two different things I want to be honorable and I'm just anybody that's real and when I say real me I mean real with yourself yeah yeah you know what I'm saying like you're going to hold there's a there's a sense of Integrity there Absolut you know what I'm saying and in my life God what happened to Integrity my life is built on Integrity yeah that's my moral compass yeah if I'm not integral I'm off yeah and for me you know doing the work is integral right for me coming forth and telling my truth is integral right for me taking the mask off and saying you know what even your favorite Trapper's favorite Trapper has flaws and things that he has to work through as integral doing a versus battle in front of the world they know that they know who you are and what you're capable of and you taking another approach because you want to save lives is integral that's that disruptive not making the favorite or the most favorable choice because you know you have a position to play so when I say that it's in your purpose right like when you're more in align with your purpose and I swear to you that more more than ever yeah I understand my purpose is walking in these footprints that God's left for me and what is your purpose now my purpose is to be the best version of myself and to teach my culture everything that I learn along the way just like I did when I was in the streets and I made music now that I'm writing books everything that I learned is in that book everything that you see me do um in real life is is my contribution to the blessings that I have showing men that we can come from where we come from can still be integral still be solid individuals because I think what you're saying is we haven't seen enough examples of solid individual that's right we don't have that road map people is either one side or other is like you know somebody's thinking for sell we're not thinking for we right somebody's either trying to and and by the way I had to go back and dial my ego all the way back down that's the other thing we haven't talked about there's no space in any of what we're talking about for ego right and if you're living by ego you basically trying to either a control someone yes or to get them to see life the way you see it yes and I had to learn that that's not how you live life right and most of my ego Came From Fear absolutely right there's good ego there's good ego that allows you to do this cuz this is something new right there's good ego that allows you to be a disruptor that's good ego because in disrupting the system in disrupting what we're used to seeing right you're also providing a new way of doing things right it's hard though yeah it's hard because you're you're putting yourself in a position to be an example right but but you're still learning and growing and also you're putting yourself in a position to lose everything that you built because people can look at you and you know our culture you can do one thing and they like oh we cool or yeah you know what I'm saying it's just like I had to learn not to teach or to preach you know I'm not this role model I'm just saying that when you come from where we come from it's okay to evolve because at the end of the day I don't want to be I don't want my kids just think I was just a great artist you know what I'm saying like I'm a great man I'm a great person you know I'm a great father and and I was because I'm the same God to I'm a real [ __ ] like all that don't you all these things I'm all things right I just said that to you and you looked at me like I was crazy no I was trying to figure out what things you were saying but um I'm all the things right and I'm also somebody who's failed I'm also somebody who's lost I'm also somebody who uh my life plays out in public a lot right and people always see the bad things I'm always somebody who wants to do the right thing and and sometimes you know the the masses don't want that right and and sometimes you know I I been taught to keep your mouth closed and don't tell people anything right especially how you live and how you move well that's what we've all been taught right and and now just opening up and having these conversations you know there's a lot of times where I'm just like wow like you know when you see people not getting the message right and you go they just really don't understand as black people this is a beautiful time for us to be inspired by each other right to be able to say we no longer have to have this experience on this planet in this small vacuum right where we are of service to the world and when I say to the world I mean to White pop culture right now there are tools and examples and people and practices in place that can Inspire us in a different way when I was you know 9 years old wanting to be an actress when I was little Nia there were like very few people I could look up to and say oh that's who I want to be right we've cracked that a little bit a lot of bit right so now I think what you're saying is we all have the choice we have the choice to decide when and where we're going to get the mental health support that we that we need but you got to want it and I think the stigma behind um mental health especially with black men is huge is a weakness it's a weakness and the reality is is your brain is a muscle like anything else on your body if you can go to the gym and lift weights then you should be able to sit down with someone and exercise that muscle in between your ears and have those conversations cuz those conversations are tough but they're also really necessary yeah it's it's it's hard though because I have you know I I have people that I know look up to me that they really you know have been there with me through a lot of things and I think they don't understand where you're at and where I'm going it's like the disconnect is so real and it's almost like there's only a Chosen Few people understand what's really at State I was talking to a guy friend of mine a while ago and he said Nia and I was just complaining complaining complaining complaining complaining complaining and I was like what am I supposed to do like you know I love this person and he said everyone has a cap on their capacity and if their capacity is full you could be doing back flips uh front flips you could be the best the sex could be amazing the all these things could be amazing in that relationship but if that person's capacity and desire to grow isn't there then you hit that wall yeah and I'm not saying that everyone that hits the wall should give up right I'm saying that if if your partner hits the wall right and you're not quite there yet right in your personal growth right you have a big decision to make if I'm already in my partner is now what happens well how do you know she's not let's just say I know like it wasn't uh what do I do you're my sister right now I'm your sister you giving me some giving me some uh advice hypothetically speak well you don't want my advice cuz my advice is I'm out really no I don't give up easily I will never give up on someone I love I don't care how high we are or how low we are that's how I feel about I love me now yeah there a point I didn't so I never I can't give up on myself that's choosing yourself is that wrong no that's the ultimate Freedom the ultimate acceptance who you are now where you are now and where's that picture you showed me earlier oh yeah yeah of you when you were younger my guy right there I talk to him all the time so he was kind of cute you know what I'm saying he cutie cutie Cutie Patootie you know what I'm saying little gangster way he's good well you got to have a little gangster it's boring if you ain't got no gangster when you look at him now what do you feel honestly I'm going share this and I haven't shared it with anyone I had a meditation where I um I was in the deep meditation for like 45 minutes and I um dozed off into this field like it's like a field and there was like a old house in the middle of the field like a like a barn house M and I walked through the field and I walked in the house and there was a TV on it was playing cartoons and I walked around the house I didn't see anyone went in the kitchen went in the room didn't see anyone and some told me to go downstairs and I walked downstairs into the basement it's kind of dark little light on in the corner couldn't really see much and I walked around the basement and I ended up in the corner yeah and I heard someone sniffling I walked over and I said hey what's going on and then he had his back to me and I said what's wrong buddy and he turned around and it was my younger self the same face in his pcture and I said what's wrong he said that um um tired of everybody like he basically was trying to tell me he's tired of not being able to trust anybody and everybody doing them dirty dirty right and he was crying and I was just looking at him I said it's okay now I'm I'm here buddy to protect self and he said you sure I said yes I'm here and he just looked at me he said you promise and I said yeah and I said give me a hug man and I literally like this is real talk like I'm laying in my bed right I ain't cried since Tupac died right we all cried laying in my bed and I'm feeling tears roll down my face in my bed oh and I looked at him I said I said you're good buddy I'm I'm here with you now I got you and then I said uh why are you in the basement he said cuz I was hiding I said what do you want to do man he said I want to go play I want to have fun I said let's go play then so I took him upstairs he ran outside ran around the whole field in the yard swinging on the chairs I'm literally feeling myself go from tears full to smile no to smiling cuz he's happy and we played all day played till he got tired and we went in the house and we sat on the sofa and he watched cartoons until he fell asleep and I I he sat on my lap where like wait across and in the middle of he just woke up and he's like I love you man and when I tell you that was it for you my it's almost like my heart it like explod like whatever pain that was in there caring it was like a million pounds lifted off my off my chest and that moment I just said no matter what in life happens I have to choose to take care of my inner child and take care of myself and that's what I promised my mom when I wrote her that letter when I went to sat with her at her grave site and I just remember walking away from it and I looked at my phone and I said I did it for us man I did it for us little Jay and that was all I needed for me because that moment for me my life has just been clear ever since and I always put everybody else first me too and I never put myself first never you know and I and I've tried to love everyone that's came in my life everyone like the best way I could not to say that I know what love is or I know what these things are but the best way I know how and I always got the short end of the state and for this one time in this one place I chose myself our world our people they need to hear this [ __ ] absolutely they need to know absolutely that you know that you you don't have to be stuck in this place that this trauma and this pain and all these things want us to be we're supposed to be living Joy women are supposed to just be able to be feminine and soft still be in your power still be successful still be mothers professionals famous in whatever it is we can be all of the things right and men should be able to be loving and I feel like they're going to get Mas emasculated or or these things because and I just feel like if everybody took the time to look inward m in work on themselves in an honest way you have to be honest and I I just feel like if we can do that as a people we'll be in a better space and I think for me it's risking a lot because you know anybody that would have been in my position that would have been thinking for self and I I think it's success I think it's success when you accomplish what I accomplish that's success success is for yourself significance is what is about others and I'm in a significant space right now I don't know that I've ever had a conversation like this with any man oh wow so to for you to say the words but still have this very masculine presence is kind of nice cuz it's like it goes against what I think women will be like he's soft I don't want you know because there are women out there that don't want that 1% I don't understand that I think you want the balance right I think women want leadership they want to feel protected do they want leadership well it depends on the woman right yes depends on the woman right and it depends on where you're leading me because if you're leading me someplace where I don't want to go then no right we're not doing that right but if I trust you what words the trust come to play well you got to know each other you got to be you you got and to know each other you have to be transparent absolutely open book are you able to forgive um I started with myself M my mother um you know some people in my family that some fou things happen you know as family those things should happen but I don't know how you forgive somebody who had a malicious intent so in that moment where you are trying to to really work through your own trauma is it safe to say that it's healthy to say that person is where they are I need to leave them there and forgive them exactly where they are and still love them where they are well I can say this um I've been through some [ __ ] I'm not laughing I'm just like but the way you said that no I'm definitely laughing because of the way you said laugh at me right now see what I'm saying we can't this is why we can't open up this is why man can't open up this is why I should say [ __ ] I'm laughing because of your face when you said it was like I want to know what I know I've been through I've been through some [ __ ] and I've been through some [ __ ] with people I I really love what's the worst thing someone's ever done to you I been left me in my LS I thought I take care of him the whole time like you know um Crossing me out I may try to line me up you know to get me knocked off uh that's hardcore took from me stole from me uh betray me um but you got let all that go have you this is the thing I had to learn and this is the part where it get a little tricky most time when people do something to hurt you it's out of fear of course right but I didn't understand that at first I thought this was personal yeah right well that's cuz we black people are raised that way like part of hurt me so I got to I got to hurt you back or hurt you first there's that and um I think when I starting to realize that it was out of fear that soften the blow God damn them [ __ ] didn't get dirty man like I just yeah just like I don't understand it that's good that you have that still in you because to me that's a part of who you are you got to always keep teeth yeah yeah yeah yeah always keep teeth well let me say this the thing that I had to come to grips with is that no matter how dirty I feel like theyve done me they probably never thought about that another day in their life it didn't probably didn't even matter it was business as usual and the thing that I've been living with is the fact that every day which has probably been for the last decade you think about it I think about it and I'm the one that's being affected by it you're hurting I'm the one that's hurting so to me that seems like the last thing that you need to reconcile yeah that's that's the last piece so we've talked about all of these things all of these themes all of these moments in your life some moments in my own life where you have made a conscious decision to move forward and to choose yourself right right but we what we haven't talked about is your current marriage and your current situation and I think it would be unfair to you to not address that in this space where we're being really open and honest and it doesn't have to be the details of anything right but if you've done all of this work and you've given yourself that Grace and you've given yourself that space to grow and you've given yourself permission to love self right then what happens when a man gets to the point where they're just like okay I'm filing for divorce Integrity in Tech I I could never say anything that would not honor somebody absolutely but I can tell you that this has not been a easy Journey right um I can tell you that I'm sadden I can tell you that I'm disappointed I can tell you that I'm uneasy right but again like God has put me in a different path and that path is going to entail for me to take care of myself and to love myself myself and to be in the best situation that I can Thrive as someone who've been through all the things that I've been through it's kind of something you can't explain yeah you can't the real thing is like you know I don't like the fail in anything me either I don't want to lose I don't want to fail I don't want to fail especially when I know what you poured in right and you know as I sit across from you like I can only be responsible for myself true you know and I can only do um what I could do right and I can't expect someone else to do what I'm doing but did you go to therapy with her yeah okay that's good right so you actually addressed it tried to work through it tried to do the work and it just was like not happening know well then [ __ ] you tried I don't know about for you but for me it is a switch right and when that switch goes is that you that was your switch God the yeah but but you know I had to to realize for myself that anything that happened in the last what was it year and a half of my life that shouldn't have nothing to do with me and that's and that's my case have anything to do with me I was not embarrassed I was not I was I the way that black people stood up for me and the way that black women were like oh no you don't do that to her I was shocked because I didn't realize that what I had done or what I've done in my career had so much impact you didn't realize it no not at all and I'm not even being like funny you you're American sweetheart like it's crazy well [ __ ] it's like it's like what the hell you don't know that I don't I do not I don't regard my myself in that way because it's always really about to work for me well I'm going to say this I feel yeah like I'm sitting across from you yeah which is why I wanted to have this conversation with you because I want to personally tell you yes that you inbody yeah what a well-minded cown ass black woman is supposed to be like and we stand with you always and the reason why I wanted to talk to you because because you know I'm my sister and this is a safe space for me to say what I need to say because at times when we're at our lowest need our sisters just like you guys need your brothers and that's why this conversation was so real because I hope and I pray that this conversation can open up different conversations in our culture about being there for each other and not being at odds with each other no matter what we've been through and you know I gota give you your flowers you know you you you've done an amazing job and maintaining your integrity throughout your career right as a person as a human being and it meant the world of me to sit across from you and just to tell you my story as a man I just hope that women our women black women in particular can see this yeah and give us a safe space really women all the way across the board because we are me we as men like we hurt to be vulnerable to tell you know your your your partner that you know right now I'm in a bad I'm in a bad space we going through it out every day you wouldn't even imagine right and there's no safe place for us to land there's no safe place for us to have these conversations we can't have it with our homies we can't have it with our brothers and our partners because it doesn't it doesn't res doesn't translate cuz they don't have life experience and they don't have that empathy there right they don't have have that that mothering that that nurturing thing you know and this is like for me um it's real because you know when you buried as many people as I have right or seen people go to prison for long periods of time or just seen people fall to the Wayside you know they're all missing a certain element and that element is to be able to have a safe space the process cuz when you're in pain and you're in odds and I've been in pain most to my career like I've been the angry black man for sure really yeah because I was just mad at the world because I'm like why do I have to keep fighting these battles not that I'm not a fighter right no we all are you don't want to have to fight through it it should be a joyful experience and if you do you want to be at at least process with that somebody who feels your pain and understands where you're coming from and probably can give you some insight on what they think but it's safe and I feel like there's no safe spaces for us and to ask your a question I'm going to take your homework I'm going to go home what did I give you homework yeah cuz I hear what you going with this I'm going to write my list of people that I should forgive yeah right and I'm going to forgive them because my sister told me that it's okay to do so that's right I hope they don't think I'm solof but I'm doing you not no you got to cuz otherwise we're car I need to I listen I need to write the list we write won't you right or listen I right M listen I want to see whose list is longer cuz I got some [ __ ] on my list I don't know about your I want to thank you for your time I want to thank you for your energy I want to thank you for your realness um and I hope you understand how many lives this is going to affect and change because I promise you a lot of the anger and resentment and the dumb [ __ ] that men do is coming from a place of not being able to be seen or heard right we we're demonized and I can only imagine what it's like on the woman's side but I hope that this will open up you know just just that that dialogue of being able to talk to each other and like you said being on the same team rather than fighting each other because I'm going through a real real hard moment in my life like I feel it's something that I would have you know gave my life for it to work the last question that I have is we have established that everything starts with love um but I don't think we can grow into that real deep love and acceptance that this whole conversation has been about without forgiveness so what do you do when you know you have to forgive someone for me I'll tell you what I do okay when I know that I have to forgive someone when I'm in my bed quietly meditating I literally send them love vibrations I literally send them like visualize the person's face and I send them love vibrations because by me releasing love towards them I no longer have to be connected to the negative feeling right of being hurt and disappointed I have actually slice that chalk that down you don't have access to me there may never be another conversation but energetically right I know that I can send love to someone and it actually helps my healing now whether they receive it or not I don't really care right it's more for me and sometimes we don't need an explanation from the other person as to why it's so important to forgive but I promise you you could do all this work that you're doing right now we could do all these this have these conversations if you are not able to forgive you will hit the wall again or I'm going to say this um and I received that I don't know if I'm sending anybody love vibrations in my head but what I will promise you I will write my list see this is why I was saying B no because I was honest you're like no I'm not sending no love vibrations cuz it ain't feeling like that right now so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna write my list yeah and I'm gonna forgive yeah but I'm not gonna forget but see I'm looking in your eyes and I'm not really buying that I'm G forgive but I'm not going to forget that's that's that's halfway right that's [Music] [Applause] halfway [Applause] [Music] a oh [Music] oh [Music] w

Channel: JEEZY

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Keywords: jeezy, jeezy conversation, jeezy i might forgive but i don't forget, jeezy i might forgive, jeezy i might forgive album, jeezy i might forgive full album, young jeezy, imfbidf, i might forgive teaser, teaser i might forgive, jeezy teaser, jeezy nia long, nia jeezy, jeezy interview, jeezy mia long, jeezy jeannie mai, jeezy interview with nia long, nia long jeezy, jeezy divorce, nia long

Id: YZhyxRv4CyE

Length: 63min 48sec (3828 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 07 2023