I am, I can, I ought, . . . I wish I did? Let’s talk about it. I’m Sonya Shafer with Simply Charlotte Mason. This morning my alarm went off as scheduled. I squinted my eyes part-way open and took
in the dark room and the cold rain pattering against the window. It was a dreary day, but it was warm and cozy
under the covers. As I reached out my finger to turn off the
alarm, a faint thought tickled in the back of my mind: "You ought to get up and write
this morning." Then immediately a louder thought followed
it: "But it would be so nice to stay warm and comfortable under the covers. Just a little longer. No rush." An hour later I finally climbed out of bed
and began to work on the writing assignment I had scheduled . . . this episode on willpower! Yeah, the irony is not lost on me. We've talked in previous episodes about helping
our children understand how the will works and working with them to strengthen their
wills so they can choose to do what's right even when they don't feel like it. I'll leave links to those episodes in the
notes. Today let's talk about ourselves. Our wills. My will. Obviously, it needs some work. My guess is, so does yours. And Charlotte Mason gave us a great incentive
to persist in that work when she made this observation:
"The will of the child is . . . weaker in the children of the weak, stronger in the
children of the strong" (Home Education, p. 103). In other words, parents with strong willpower
tend to raise children with strong willpower; whereas, parents with weak willpower tend
to raise children with weak willpower. Interestingly, that observation has been confirmed
by recent scientific research. If you think about it, parents with the capability
to do what they know is right even when it's hard are going to expect their children to
grow in that ability as well. They will model it as an integral part of
daily life. And because those parents are aware of the
vital role that willpower plays in their success in life, they will be tuned in to it and on
the lookout for opportunities to deal with it in their children, rather than ignoring
the will or simply hoping the child's willpower somehow improves on its own. So what we want to talk about in this episode
is How. How do we as adults strengthen our own willpower? You remember that Will is the gatekeeper. He stands at the gate of our minds and decides
which ideas are allowed in to influence behavior and which ideas are rejected. There are two ways to strengthen Will so he
can make good choices every time: feed him and give him exercise. Those are the same two ways that we talked
about in order to help our children strengthen their wills. We need to make sure we are feeding ourselves
the ideas that will most help us as we live each day. Stop and consider what ideas you regularly
take in through books, podcasts, blogs, shows. Determine whether those ideas are stimulating
you to make good choices with your time and energy, to focus on the things that really
matter, to discern between good and better or between harmful and beneficial. Will depends on those ideas when he makes
his choices. So take a good look at what you are feeding
him. Second, exercise your will. And this is where I want to spend most of
our time today. The way for Will to grow strong in making
good choices is to practice making good choices. And that seems to be where many of us struggle—in
the day-to-day exercising of Will. So let's get really practical. Let's look at eight tips that can help you
practice good choices and increase your willpower. 1. Be aware of what tires your will. Recent research has revealed what drains Will
of his strength as he stands at the gate, trying to make good decisions. First, the effort required to make the decision. If it's a huge decision with lots of factors
involved and potentially heavy consequences at stake, Will is going to tire easily. Second, Will's strength level can depend on
how difficult he perceives the action to be. Try an experiment with me for a moment. Are you ready? OK. Make a conscious decision to do a long blink:
close your eyes and count to three before you open them again. How hard was that to do? Chances are you didn't have a huge struggle
deciding whether you were going to do that long blink or not, because I didn't ask you
to do a difficult thing. I didn't ask you to stand on your head or
run a marathon. The more difficult Will perceives the action
to be, the weaker he feels. Now this is an important point, and we'll
come back to it again later. Third, Will finds it hard to make a good choice
if he thinks there is a negative effect associated with that choice. That's why it can be hard for a person to
admit when she did something wrong. Saying the words is not physically difficult,
but the person fears the negative effects that may come as a result of saying those
words. So Will weakens and hesitates. And two other factors that can make it harder
for Will to do a good job are fatigue and low blood sugar level. If you are tired or hungry, Will is going
to feel weaker. I think all five of those factors were affecting
my choice to stay in bed this morning. But it helps to be aware of those five things
that can potentially drag our willpower down. If we know about them, we can more easily
recognize them and take steps to deal with them, rather than get blindsided and have
no clue why we're struggling. 2. State your choice as what you will do. Whether you are working to stop doing something
you know you shouldn't or to start doing something you know you should, try to state the choice
and think about the choice as "I will" rather than "I will not." For example, "I will use a kind voice" rather
than "I will not yell"; or "I will get out of bed when the alarm goes off" rather than
"I will not hit the snooze button." You see the difference. You move toward what you focus on, so it can
be helpful to think in terms of what you will do rather than what you will not do. 3. Focus on the ideas behind the actions. In your actions, you want to focus on what
you will do. But keep in mind that making a good decision
runs deeper than just the action. Behind every action is an idea that it represents. The action of using a kind voice represents
the loving relationship you want to have with your children and the calm atmosphere you
want to set in your home. Those are important ideas; ideas worth choosing. Keep in mind that every time you say Yes to
one idea, you are also saying No to its opposite. When you say Yes to the idea of kindness setting
a loving and warm atmosphere in your home, you are saying No to the idea of living in
a harsh and critical home; you are saying No to the idea of wounding your child's spirit
with your voice. Sometimes, remembering those powerful ideas
can be the motivation we need to choose wise actions in the moment. 4. Think about the movements of your body. This may sound a little strange, but hear
me out. Just about every choice that Will makes depends
on your moving at least one part of your body in order to carry it out. A choice about what you will eat, for example,
is directly tied to your moving your hand, picking up the food, and putting it into your
mouth. A choice to get up when the alarm goes off
is directly connected to sitting up, putting your feet onto the floor, and standing up. I encourage you to think about which parts
of your body are involved in carrying out the choice that you want Will to make. When I was trying to break a bad habit of
snacking every night before bed, I remember sitting in my recliner and focusing on not
moving my feet. My emotions were telling me to get up and
go to the kitchen to grab some potato chips. Will reminded me that I had decided that "I
will eat my final food of the day at supper," but he was weakening fast in the face of a
lot of strong emotions. I knew that if I was going to give in to my
emotions and eat a snack, I would have to get up onto my feet, walk to the kitchen,
reach for the bag of chips, and intentionally use my hand to pick one up, and put it into
my mouth, chew, and swallow. Right? Those were the actions involved in that choice. So I simplified the choice down to one body
movement: "Don't get up, don't move your feet." Once I thought about it that way, the choice
didn't seem as difficult. All I had to do was stay in my chair. I could do that. 5. Distract yourself when you're feeling weak. While I was sitting there trying to stay in
my chair, I looked around for something else to think about—something that would be enjoyable
and hold my interest, so I could go somewhere else in my mind. Modern research has confirmed what Charlotte
Mason recommended, and that is, when you feel your will weakening, take a few minutes—15
minutes will work—to think about something else or to go do something else that refreshes
you. Often Will can regain his strength when he
gets that short break. 6. Put distance between you and a poor choice. Distance is another way to help your Will
make the right decision, especially when you are trying to avoid something. Physically moving away or staying away from
a poor choice is effective. Again, intentionally moving your feet or your
eyes. Just that movement can be a great action to
focus on, because it's not that hard to do. Remember that Will gets weaker as the decision
gets bigger and more difficult. If you can't physically move away from the
poor choice, try moving away mentally. Try to think of it in non-personal, unattractive
terms. Those thoughts will help you emotionally distance
yourself from the object or action. 7. Be aware of self-talk. All of us talk to ourselves. From the moment you wake up in the morning,
thoughts are coming at you. Some of you struggle with a harsh inner critic
who degrades you about everything. Others of you have a hard time finding the
line between who you are and what you are feeling. You are almost enveloped by your emotions
and live with what seems like an internal drama queen. We're all different. But we can all practice reminding ourselves
of what will be most helpful. When you feel your will weakening or when
you are facing a tough decision, try to mentally rehearse what you have to gain from doing
what you know you should do. Remind yourself of the good idea that you
are saying Yes to. Those great ideals, that we often lose sight
of, are often disguised as small choices every day. Charlotte said, "Great occasions do not come
to us at any time of our lives; or, if they do, they come in the guise of little matters
of every day" (Ourselves, Book 2, p. 142). So preach that to your soul. Use self-talk to your advantage. 8. Set small goals to gain momentum. As I mentioned before, Will can become overwhelmed
when faced with what he considers to be a difficult choice. The bigger and harder the choice, the more
overwhelmed Will becomes. So don't make it so hard. Select just one choice to work on first: make
it small and be specific. Maybe you need to work on pre-reading all
the books that your older students will be narrating. That can seem like a huge task when you look
at the stack of books and your busy schedule. But let's pare it down into a smaller task
that doesn't look so threatening. And let's use Charlotte Mason's student motto
as our guide. You know it: I am, I can, I ought, I will. It's a great motto for life, by the way, and
it can help us think through the best ideas in these situations. I am—"I am my student's parent and teacher. I am responsible to give him the best education
I possibly can." I can—"I can read. I can think. I can bring ideas to the discussion." It's not that you're physically unable to
do this. You can do all the actions required. I ought—Now you get to the issue. What is it that you know is right, even though
it may be hard? "I ought to pre-read his school books." Then always follow up that "ought" statement
with "because." If you don't have a good reason, or several
good reasons, behind what you are purposing to do, you will falter when it becomes difficult. So, "I ought to pre-read his school books,
because that will feed my own mind on great ideas; because I will be able to enter into
intelligent discussion with my student; because I will be able to hold my student accountable
for self-education." Think of all the reasons why you ought to
do this action. Now, too often we get this far—I am, I can,
I ought—and then we slump down in our hearts and resignedly say, "I wish I did." And that's the end of it. But that's not the motto. The principles that Charlotte's view of education
was founded upon, the epitome of a wisely educated person, is summed up in "I am, I
can, I ought, I will." As Charlotte said, "The man who can make himself
do what he wills has the world before him" (School Education, p. 20). The woman who can make herself do what she
wills has the world before her. So move on to "I will" and state your action
choice. And remember: the smaller, the better. "I will read one paragraph and narrate it
to myself every day." That's all. One paragraph. That doesn't seem so hard, does it? Your will doesn't think so either. So you're off to a good start right away. And most likely, once you get started reading
that paragraph, you'll find it pretty easy to keep going and read another paragraph or
maybe a whole page. And that's fine; you're allowed to read more,
just not less. Your goal is one paragraph every day. That hurdle doesn't look so high. You see, often it's that first hurdle of getting
started that looks so large. But usually, if we simply take a small step
toward it, it doesn't seem so high. If you can say a mental Yes to the idea and
get moving, you may be surprised how easy it is to keep going. And that's the key to growing stronger in
willpower: consistency. Making the right choice this time. And then this time. And then this time. You can do that. Keep Charlotte's motto close to your heart. Let it spur you on. I am, I can, I ought . . . I wish I did? No. I will. So tomorrow morning when the alarm goes off,
I want to . . . no, I will move my feet to the floor, stand up, and walk into my day. How about you, my friend? What action comes to your mind? You can do it. You know you ought to do it. Will you? If you enjoyed this video, subscribe through
iTunes, Google Play, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, or your favorite podcast app so you don’t
miss an episode. You can also subscribe to the audio version
of this podcast or read the blog post on our website at simplycharlottemason.com. All of those links will be in the notes along
with the links to the previous episodes that I mentioned. Thanks for joining me. See you next time!
