Repentance is more than just a decision to
forgo the transgression of some moral law or code of conduct. It is a movement, a turning away from sin
and death and a turning toward life and communion with God and others. It is cooperation with God’s grace whereby
we recognize our own fallen nature and dependence upon Him. Such repentance, such turning away from self-sufficiency,
tears down the barrier that separates us from God and helps us to reconnect with our Creator
who through His love and grace can transform our very mode of existence. Throughout the year, the Church holds before
us examples of such repentance and transformation, such as during Great Lent, when we are reminded
of the life of St. Mary of Egypt, an enduring example of repentance and a reflection upon
the radical change that can occur in a human being through the grace, love, and forgiveness
of Jesus Christ. A young woman is harshly shoved and knocked
around. She pushes back, making her way through the
crowd. Just then, she sees a large group preparing
to go on pilgrimage to Jerusalem for the Exaltation of the Holy Cross of Christ. She sensed ample opportunity to satisfy her
lustful appetite. Her pursuit of men had begun at the age of
twelve, when she ran away from her parent’s humble village and went to live in the big
city. What early patterns, what complexes drove
her thirst for pleasure are unknown, but after seventeen years of prolonged habit it had
become unquenchable. With no money for passage, Mary offered her
body as payment. For although she never accepted money from
the men she slept with, so as to not reduce her appeal to them nor reduce her own pleasure,
she well knew the weakness of the flesh and could count on even outwardly pious men to
succumb to her entreaties. Mary spent the entire journey seducing and
enticing others for her own amusement. And when they reached Jerusalem, she spent
the days leading up to the feast with any man willing to help her fulfil the yearnings
of her flesh. Even as Mary made her way to the church on
the day of the feast, she still sought out pleasure with anyone willing. When she arrived at the Church of the Holy
Sepulchre, she waited impatiently with others in line. When she finally attempted to enter through
the great doors, an invisible force blocked her way and then forced her back. Surprised at first, this rebuff only strengthened
her will to enter. She stepped forward again, only to be met
with what felt like an invisible stone wall, even though the doors were wide open and others
were entering. She then bore her full weight against this
unseen and immovable force, but she again failed to enter. Mary stood back and collected her strength. She then approached again with the full force
of her body a third time, certain that she would gain entry into the church. She tried to propel herself through the huge
doors as her body burned with every shred of remaining strength. But the unseen force allowed her no entry. Exhausted, Mary finally gave up and sat dejected
in the church’s courtyard. Just then, an icon on the side of the building
caught her eye. It was a depiction of the Virgin Mary, the
Theotokos, the Mother of God. As Mary of Egypt drew closer, she sensed the
purity of the all holy lady in a manner beyond reason and understanding. A deep shame overcame her and she wept. For she saw in the Virgin Mary a person who
found freedom by surrendering her own will to God. The Virgin Mary longed for God and in turn
became more spacious than the heavens, illumined with the grace of the Holy Spirit, while Mary
of Egypt had freely given herself in slavery to the passions and found only a heart filled
with darkness. Mary realized that she did not deserve to
enter the church and stand in front of the Holy and Precious Cross of Christ. A searing pain filled her heart as she faced
as in a mirror the memories of her wanton youth, her selfish ways, and her complete
and abject distance from the loving God Who created her. She prostrated herself before the icon as
her dark heart broke open to memories of sins, of lewdness, of lust, the complete horror
of seeing her true self and realizing her own self-centeredness. She confessed it all to the Theotokos. Mary realized then that only God could soothe
the pain and fill the emptiness of her heart, and that it was she alone who had blocked
the love and grace of God through her own free will. She then made a vow to the Theotokos, that
if she would be permitted to enter the church and venerate the Holy Cross, she would spend
the rest of her life in complete obedience to the Mother of God. She would go wherever the most Glorious Lady
guided her in order to work out her salvation. It was the beginning of Great Lent, and as
was the custom in those days, monastics would spend the season alone in the wilderness,
so as to not see how others fasted and thus fall into the sins of pride or judgment. Fr. Zosimas was such a monk, carrying only a scant
amount of food and water, and only one extra tattered garment into the desert. He was well-known among his peers as a holy
man of great wisdom and discernment, someone with true spiritual gifts. Monastics from all over the surrounding monasteries
had been coming to him for years for spiritual counsel. Now, as Fr. Zosimas journeyed forward into the blistering
heat, he beseeched God for an encounter with someone from whom he could benefit spiritually. A few days later, Fr. Zosimas sojourned along the banks of the Jordan
River. Suddenly, something caught his eye amidst
the shimmering heat. He spotted a dark, angular form in the distance. Thinking that this might be a demon, he immediately
made the sign of the cross and then continued forward as he perceived no sense of evil or
hatred surrounding him. Yet, as he drew closer to the shape, the farther
it moved away. It occurred to Zosimas that this might be
a humble, grace-filled ascetic from whom he could receive a blessing. This could be God’s answer to his prayer! But perhaps the hermit was exceedingly humble,
and was avoiding Zosimas out of attempts to draw attention away from himself. The thought then occurred to Zosimas that
this might be his one chance to learn from a holy and unknown ascetic. And so, despite the oppressive heat, his own
weariness, and advanced age, he continued forward. But, the figure was too fast. Finally, they reached a dry streambed, and
Zosimas cried out sorrowfully, “Why are you running away from this old and sinful
man? Oh servant of the true God, wait up for me
whoever you are, in the name of God, for whose sake you dwell in the desert. Unworthy as I am, stop and give to this old
man your blessing and benediction, for God never abhors anyone.” The figure on the other side of the streambed
relented and said, “Father Zosimas, forgive me in the name of the Lord; I cannot turn
toward you and be seen face-to-face, for as you see I am a woman and I am naked, and I
am ashamed to have my body uncovered. But if you are really willing to grant one
favour to a sinful woman, throw me the garment you are wearing, so that with it I may turn
toward you and receive your blessing.” Astonished that she knew his name, he tossed
her his cloak and she covered herself. Turning toward him, she queried, “Why, Fr. Zosimas, did you decide to look at a sinful
woman? What did you wish to learn from me or see,
that you did not hesitate to put yourself to such trouble?” At this time, Zosimas was certain that this
woman was a partaker of divine grace. He knelt before her to receive her blessing. She knelt before him for his blessing, and
neither rose for a long time. Each felt that they were unworthy to impart
a blessing on the other, but finally, the woman rebuked him, saying, “Father Zosimas,
it is fitting for you to give a blessing and prayer, for you have been honored with the
rank of priest, and you have served at the holy altar for many years, and have often
performed the sacrament of the Holy Gifts.” Shocked that she knew not only his name, but
also that he was a priest, Zosimas’ realized that he was in the presence of a holy woman. He refused to get up until she imparted her
blessing, and reluctantly prayed for them both. Then, they entered into conversation, and
Zosimas begged her to tell him about her life so that he could gain spiritual wisdom from
her experiences. Her humble reply and honest simplicity touched
his heart. “I am ashamed, my father, to describe for
you my sinful actions. Forgive me in the name of the Lord. But since you have seen my bare body, I shall
lay bare to you also my deeds, so that you may know with what great shame and humiliation
my soul is filled. But before I do so, I ask you to swear that
you will not stop praying for me, that I may find mercy in the hour of judgment.” Zosimas knew that it was often the most sinful
people who ended up repenting with the greatest dedication and fervour. Even so, he had not expected to hear that
this wizened, emaciated old woman had once been capable of such lustful actions. He listened in awe as she described her life
of sin; her miraculous prevention from entering the church; her heart-piercing experience
of confession to the Theotokos, and her repentance. She often referenced Scripture in their conversation
while relating her story, so he asked her when she had started studying the holy texts. He was amazed to hear that she had never read
any, and that she hadn’t even attended church for forty-seven years. All she knew, she had been taught by the Mother
of God in the desert. She proceeded to confess to him that the first
seventeen years she spent in the desert had been a true torment. She had wrestled painfully with her past wantonness
and the desire to return to her previous life. After that, she began to know peace, being
aided by the Theotokos and being granted the grace to see God’s Uncreated Light. She made him vow not to tell anyone of her
story until after she had died, and asked Zosimas to meet her again on Holy Thursday
the next year. She wanted to receive Holy Communion from
Zosimas, but warned him not to come any sooner than the following Holy Thursday, as something
bad would befall him. Sure enough, when he returned to the monastery,
Zosimas kept silent about what he had experienced. As she predicted, toward the end of the following
Great Lent, he did indeed become ill with a fever, but he recovered in time to search
for the hermit in the desert on Holy Thursday. Standing in the same spot where they had met
the previous year with the Holy Gifts in his hands, he was greatly disappointed because
she wasn’t there. So, he prayed that he would be granted another
encounter with the grace-filled ascetic. Soon after, she appeared and stood on the
opposite bank of the river. She made the sign of the Cross over the water
and walked across the river to his side of the river bank. Stunned, Zosimas tried to bow to her. The woman protested, saying that since he
had the Holy Gifts in his hands, she should be the one bowing to him. He recited the Creed and the Lord’s Prayer
and offered her the Holy Gifts. After receiving Holy Communion from him, and
with tears in her eyes, she proclaimed, “Lord, now let Your servant depart in peace, according
to Your word, for my eyes have seen Your salvation”. He tried to offer her food, but she only accepted
three lentils telling him that “the grace of the Spirit was enough” for her. Then, she asked Zosimas to meet her again
the following year at the same place. Before departing, Fr. Zosimas touched her feet and requested her
blessing and her prayers for the Church. A year later, Father Zosimas returned to the
desert on Holy Thursday. The blessed ascetic’s body lay dead on the
unyielding sand, facing east with her hands folded. He realized with a pang of regret that he
hadn’t even known her name. He bent down and bathed her feet with his
tears, deeply grieved. He did not know how she should be buried and
hesitated to touch her. But then, he noticed writing in the sand near
her head: “Father Zosimas, bury the body of the humble Mary in this place. Return dust to dust, and pray always to the
Lord for me. I died in the month of Pharmouthi, according
to the Egyptians, on that very night of the Passion of our Savior, after I received the
holy Last Supper”. Zosimas understood that Mary had died on the
same night after she received Holy Communion from him the previous year, and he sorrowfully
began to dig her grave. But the earth was dry and packed hard, and
the only tool he had was a stick he had found nearby. Suddenly, a huge lion appeared next to Mary’s
body, and it was licking her feet. Moved by the scene, Zosimas said to the lion,
“Do what is necessary with your claws, so that we may return to the earth the body of
the blessed woman.” The lion’s powerful claws rent the sand
while Zosimas prayed over Mary and covered her with the tattered cloak he’d given her
when they’d first met. After Mary’s burial, Zosimas and the lion
departed. Back at the monastery, Zosimas related the
story of Mary’s wisdom and holiness where all marvelled and gave glory to God. Mary’s story continued to be told in the
surrounding Christian communities even after Zosimas reposed at the age of one hundred. Today, St. Mary is remembered twice a year
on the Orthodox liturgical calendar: On April 1st, and also on the Fifth Sunday of Great
Lent. Through repentance, asceticism, and humility,
St. Mary became a true mother of the desert, a hermit who, despite living away from the
world, remained through prayer in communion with God and all Creation. And although we’re not all called to such
a life of solitude and extreme ascesis, we too can be transformed by God’s love and
grace if we turn to Him in repentance. May we strive to emulate St. Mary’s example
of disposition of the heart as we continue to draw near to God, especially during the
Lenten season. Saints Mary and Zosimas, servants of the True
God, please pray for us!
