How to Trigger a Narcissist's Shame and Shut them down

in this episode I will precisely teach you how to trigger a narcissist shame response to minimize their abuse and Corner them before you comment and say well doesn't that make you a narcissist as well why would you want to shame them why would you want to hurt them on purpose where does the difference lie then between you and them watch the entire episode and understand why when and how to trigger their shame I am a psychologist my name is Danish a narcissistic abuse recovery professional welcome to my channel let's get started the most commonly given advice to almost all survivors of narcissistic abuse is you should leave you must not look back the only way to deal with your situation is to leave but it's not as simple as that different survivors different situations different experiences and different circumstances a lot of people have children with these monsters some of us are in touch with them because they are our parents a lot are entangled in the web of this narcissistic abuse because they're dealing with their families so in such scenarios you must leave does not always apply yes your focus should be on leaving that should be the ultimate goal but sometimes you need to manage them you need to use their narcissistic traits against them so that they do what you want them to do without bothering you too much one such trait that you can use against them is their shame driven nature narcissists are extreme shame avoidance they don't want to feel or experience it because this emotion sits heavy on their chest and makes them feel vulnerable so they go to any extent they stoop to any level possible to avoid experiencing shame and that is what you are going to take advantage of when when you are not able to have them cooperate with you when honesty transparency amicability is not working and they're adate at punishing you bringing you down torturing you weaponizing your relationship with the children destroying them and doing all sorts of nonsense that's making it extremely difficult for you to live a normal life that's when you use their shame against them before you tell you exactly how to do it you need to understand the narcissistic personality Dynamics a little better as you already know they have this false self but then there is this true self as well which is their reality in a narcissist head they constantly believe or associate themselves with false idea of who they are to give you an example they think they're a good person which is how and why they justify everything if there is any anything wrong you have to be blamed the dog has to be blamed the door has to be blamed you name it they will blame it basically they can stoop to any level to not to take responsibility so they think they are a saint they're Pious nobody is as good as them that's how they see themselves this is what shame avoidance means but in reality you and I both know they're really immature they are disrespectful they are arrogant they're far from what they claim to be and that is what is called in congruence the difference between who they are within or who they think they are and who they are in reality the space and that is what we have to subtly and strategically remind them off whenever possible like when we want them to behave differently and a appropriately we would want to just tap into that space so that they feel the shame and are forced to become false self the self they think they are do you get the idea so this is basically the Crux of it now let me tell you how to basically do it for example the narcissistic person that you're dealing with is behaving really erratically is being horrible and is talking in a nasty way to you it sounds really immature you will say something as strategic as I will talk to you when your adult is back in the room what did you do there you just pointed out their child's Behavior without saying you are behaving childishly without confronting them without saying oh no that's not the case without basically playing their game you played your own game you said I will talk to you when you are ready when that child when the child agency is swished off and you're back to your adult mode that's when we will take this conversation forward you set a boundary not with them first you set a boundary with yourself first you said without saying that I'm am not going to tolerate this kind of shitty Behavior this is unacceptable I'm not settling for this and I will only tolerate you or I will only have any conversation or communication with you if you behave and then there is a standard they have to match will it work in all situations probably not but I have tested this Theory many a times and seen that it works especially in situations where they need Supply from you where they're stuck with you and they need to communicate to feel something either validation approval whatever it is you need to remember a narcissist depends more on you than how much you depend on them they want you to think they your world but in reality it's the opposite what you could also say to instantly trigger their shame without shaming them is I really wonder what your colleagues would think if they were present witnessing this conversation just just these comments can make them instantly if not realize recognize they are behaving in ways that could expose their true nature their image is everything so if you can make them think about how the world is watching them and their behavior and what that means that is what would trigger them and their shame which would lead to possible compliance but you have to remember sometimes this can trigger rageful Behavior that's what you have to be cautious about if you are living with a narcissist and you know them inside out they're extremely vulnerable and you make a comment like this without having the power to let's say to take a step against them then this may backfire and they may go crazy in that case you just have to persist you have to look for your safety first and you have to maybe Fawn a little bit if you do not have that much power in the situation it's all about power dynamics how much power do you have how much dependent are they on you if you depend on them for financial support then probably this is not a tactic for you if you are afraid that they are going to cancel your parental rights or take them away then maybe this is not for you it all depends on the situation and its context and you have to test it subtly to see how they respond to know if the narcissist that you're dealing with is the type who is fully driven by the shame you are trying to elicit or the shame they do not want to feel that's what you have to keep in mind what you also do not have to do is trigger it all the time because if you keep triggering the shame all the time it's not going to work since they are predatory and they know what's going on if you keep tapping this button it will stop responding it's like overwhelming the responder and if you give Too much exposure to let's say the stimulus then you won't get the desired response you have to intermittently try it intermittently condition them you see it's like working with a child but the only difference is it's a spoiled child it's a child but with ad adult capabilities who can destroy you so tread cautiously with this technique shame and triggering it in a narcissist is all about all about pointing out the difference between how they think they are behaving and how they are really behaving you're not putting them down that's not what you're doing because if you do that you know what's going to happen if you criticize ize them directly you know what's going to happen you have to be indirect you have to make it more like about the collective if you will and more like about their personality without making it personal it's it's such a it needs practice it needs thinking it needs calculated moves it needs a lot of testing to know what they respond to and what they get triggered by here is one thing that you must not forget to do if you want to trigger their shame you have to fight them within before you fight them without which is like on an external level you have to create those boundaries within yourself first before you step in and say I am not going to do that or you say I do not respond to that voice when you can respond in a better way and you try to be more civil I will cooperate before you do any of that you have to set firm boundaries with yourself and work on your emotional reactivity understand if you are emotionally reactive and they can elicit extreme emotions you will fail you if you feel like you're still traumatized enough to step into the process of justifying yourself explaining yourself arguing with them and defending yourself then this is not a time for you to play this trick you only do it when you have these four areas covered and when you have mastered your nervous system when you know how to stay relaxed in a calm body and to maintain a very uh determined posture if you will when you know how to stay firm in your resolve with a flat unemotional face and when to kind of withdraw at a bodily level and do your own thing while you pass this comment on and say I'm not I'm not going to be a part of it this is an art that takes time to learn to help you with this learning I have launched a program called Master co-parenting with a narcissist in which I teach you how to use their narcissistic traits against them so that they stop abusing you or at least you kind of corner and cage the Beast and focus on your and your children's healing process if you want instant access click the eye button above or the link in the description of this episode what in your opinion can be said to a narcissist in a very subtle strategic and selfy way to trigger the shame to make them aware of the in congruence the difference between how they think they're behaving or how they think they should be behaving and how they are behaving in reality they think they they're mature but when they yell and scream it's total immaturity how do you think this goal can be accomplished just drop some of the statements some of the things that one can potentially say in the comments below and maybe you may help a ton of of survivors out there you can give them a lot of ideas with that let's bring this episode to an end thank you so much for staying until the very end let me know how you feel about this technique if you will use it how and uh to what end you also need to have an outcome a very clear outcome in mind when you're doing anything with a narcissist when you're using any trait against them because you can get derailed you need to know what your objective is what you're targeting and how you will get there I'll talk to you in the next one until then as always let the healing begin and continue

Channel: Danish Bashir

Views: 19,823

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Id: FEWw5FJn4zY

Length: 12min 34sec (754 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 21 2024