How To Talk To Anyone | small talk, social anxiety, conversation tips!

[Applause] do you feel awkward around people has the pandemic exacerbated your social anxiety do you tend to overthink every little thing you said in a discussion if so you've clicked on the right video because today i'm going to share with you how i tame my social anxiety and how you can sparkle in any conversation let's get started so first up i want to talk about the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem these two are always interchangeably used but they're actually quite different so self-confidence can be applied to skills like you become confident at things that you do over and over and over again and that's how you master them like like driving i remember when i first learned how to drive at 15 i was freaking terrified i was driving like five miles per hour in the slowest lane freaking out but after just continuously doing it over and over again i'm just like whizzing up the road safely of course the same thing can be applied with socializing it is truly a skill that you can just build upon by just doing it over and over again self-esteem on the other hand is how you view and perceive yourself this is like how you treat yourself when you're all alone and this really explains like how i felt socially i was completely confident being in social situations talking to people but because i had low self-esteem when i'd go home i would literally overthink everything i said i would think did i over share was i too much did i sound stupid i knew that i had to get to the root of building my self-esteem in order to just have more healthy social interactions and one huge way that i built my self-esteem is therapy this leads us to our sponsor thank you betterhelp for sponsoring today's video betterhelp is a service that assesses your needs and then matches you with your very own licensed professional therapist they have a huge range of over 20 000 therapists so they really cover an expansive range of expertise so you will find a person that will help you go through whatever you're going through and the beauty of therapy is you can go for any reason you want whether you want to heal from trauma get to the root of what's bothering you venting to even like unearthing new discoveries about yourself i have been having the most illuminating discussions with my therapist sarah on better help like i just love therapy because it's a place just devoted to whatever i want to talk about and what i feel ready to share better help is also completely confidential so everything is safe getting started is super simple you just fill a questionnaire and you will be matched with a therapist within 48 hours from there you will enter a secure video or phone session and exchange unlimited messages with your therapist but let's say you're not vibing with your therapist better help make it really simple and free to change if needed i am going to leave a link for 10 off your first month you can go to my link at betterhelp.comgen that's better h-e-l-p i will of course leave it in the description box so click it if you are interested so let's talk about small talk i would say the majority of people don't like it i mean there was a phase in my life where i just detested small talk i thought it was pointless i just immediately wanted to get deep but things have changed i actually see a beauty and a charm with small talk i've learned that small talk is pretty much the foreplay of conversation a lot of the times people need warming up we really are like onions i feel like shrek's at it best like we all have layers to ourselves and small talk is just like peeling the first layer it's also a vibe check as well you can kind of suss out whether you are gonna get along with someone if they're feeling social they're feeling more closed off but i don't love small talk for the entire conversation small talk doesn't need to be like for an hour but i think like 15 15 10 15 minutes of small talk is like a nice reasonable amount i think when you're talking with strangers and acquaintances you got to treat them like ovens like you've got to put on the preheat before you stick the entree in it's not until you've earned their trust like with a best friend or a friend where you can just treat them like microwaves where you can just like open up and like start immediately this leads us to the next phase which is to ask questions i think my go-to small talk questions start off with just a simple how are you how is your day i see each question that i put out kind of as a net because i'm trying to catch what we have in common like the main objective for me when i enter a conversation is to find something that i have in common with that person a small talk question that has like the highest success rate for me is what neighborhood do you live in because if i have been to that city or town or state i will blurt out any observation that i've made about that so like a recent example is like i went to a concert and i met this girl and asked her what neighborhood she lived in and she said rancho cucamonga luckily i had been there so i just said i love rancho i love how straightforward the roads are it's like it's really like a perfect grid system and she just lit up and was like oh my god yeah like when i'm driving it's just a street shot and that was just immediately my way in on connecting with someone and the thing is it can be extremely light it could be a dim sum restaurant it could be a park it could be an arena it could be a freaking costco it could be anything another simple one is what are you drinking because if we're drinking the same thing we can be like ah oh my god you know like sauvignon blanc tequila oh my gosh like even if it's just water because you can talk about like different brands of water or if you have a water filter it's literally just blurting out anything that comes to mind or any information that you know about what they say this is why i like small talk because it's really my way of gauging if i vibe with this person or not and it just allows me to keep things light so if like it's not really going our way then i know to not drain my social battery on this person so once small talk is flowing you're feeling good the next objective is to find a topic that sparks enthusiasm in both of y'all so i actually have like a rolodex of hot topics that i like to talk about so i'll naturally kind of like go through them and see like what sticks with that other person and i swear to god it's not as like robotic and systematic as i'm laying it out but it's just something that i subconsciously do so i like to talk a lot about like feelings so i can sometimes i'll just throw out like hey like how's your soul been recently or what season are you in life right now have you picked up any hobbies during lockdown have you had any revelations about lockdown because you know covet is something that we all experienced globally so that's just just one objective thing that we all have in common and from there it just really branches out to anything like you know some people get into fitness health science walking meditation spirituality you know so i feel like when i ask that question it opens just a box of potential ways that we can connect a lot of people think that in order to be interesting they need to be super smart or funny or whatever narrative they have in their head but the best way to be interesting is to be interested generally people enjoy talking even like the biggest introverts but the key is to make them feel comfortable and i think the best way to do that is by actively listening i try my best to really engage with what they're saying like if someone is talking to me and sharing something to me i will just focus on what they're saying i'm not like playing in my head of like okay i'm gonna say this and i'm gonna think of that response like i've noticed that the best responses come from me just genuinely listening and not putting that pressure on myself to be a certain type of way i think learning how to be an active listener is a tool that extroverts and introverts should absolutely do it's just like a life skill if you haven't read the book how to win friends and influence people by dale carnegie that's just like a good blueprint of how to do that like when i read that book in 2016 it just transformed the way i move in social situations and personally when i found out this tip it was just like a huge relief for me because it put the pressure off of like me having to like quote-unquote perform because i truly am like an ambivert like i would say i'm 55 introverted and 45 extroverted so i have no problem when an extrovert wants to take up space and you know you know do their thing when someone is sharing something with me i like to ask a question that prides a little deeper about what they just said so for example let's say we're talking about revelations you had during lockdown let's say this person said yeah the pandemic was crazy i used that time to really be more introspective and then i would be like oh wow that's so interesting like what activities did you do to be more reflective even if it's just a super basic question it signals to the other person that you're actively interested and curious about their life let's say you're blinking and you just have no questions to ask uh a trick that i do is i will just kind of summarize what they said in a sentence so going back to the most recent example if someone you know opened up about their you know introspective pandemic period uh i would literally just respond oh wow it sounds like that was an extremely reflective time for you period and maybe i would share revelations that i had during lockdown you know so it's really like a two-way street i think every introvert's nightmare is like the dreaded pause or like the awkward silence and i just want to point out to you that these pauses feel longer in your head than what's actually happening in reality i don't trip out when there's like you know a little beat in the conversation and if anything it's i kind of see it as a sign of like okay like let's let's switch things up uh a quick way to break it is just pointing out something that's in front of you because that again is a shared experience it's something that you have in common so it could be as simple as like oh my gosh like do you see that chair that's so nice it's a terrible example but you know that you guys could talk about interior design there's always something to talk about but let's say you're having a really wobbly day and you're just frozen i think just being honest and sincere about how you're feeling i've been in that situation so many times where i just say oh man i feel so socially awkward like i haven't talked to people in a long time so forgive me you know just kind of like playing it off like that can be really helpful even if you just say like i'm about to have a panic attack that that also disarms that other person and if that other person is feeling the same way it completely makes them feel more comfortable knowing that you guys are both feeling nervous i think this is a good thing to say on a first date like if you guys are just both feeling really nervous just saying i'm nervous uh that kind of helps it really does because it shows like the humanness it's you being vulnerable and so i think being sincere about how you are and how you feel is the best policy in any conversation that you're in this leads us to our final tip which is no one remembers everything you say they just remember how they feel this is the perfect advice for all those over thinkers and perfectionists out there like just genuinely no one cares if you stuttered or if there was a pause or if you asked a stupid question the only thing that's going to be remembered is the energy and the vibe and the tone and that's something that is just included in the whole experience of that interaction that you had so if you make them feel comfortable that's all that really matters like think about it after a social event like how often is it that you feel just so fixated on what someone did if someone stuttered or if someone you know maybe if they said something mean like maybe they'll stick with you but then again like that's not on you that's on that person it's so true that everyone is the main character in their own movie if even if you spent like all night with that person you're still just a side character and if you just have a small interaction then you're freaking extra they're probably not gonna remember but they'll remember like how they felt you know and the thing is even if you make a bad impression or they felt weird around you if you see them again it's a totally it's like a totally new opportunity to try again there have been so many moments where i was just not feeling my best but i went out anyway and i probably didn't make a great impression i actually look forward to when i see those people again because i can redeem myself you know so so there's always like a silver lining in these types of things all right folks that's all the time i have for today i feel like we just touched the surface about conversation and socializing and connection uh you know it's so true where like even the most introverted person needs connection and even the most extroverted person can find ways to connect deeper so this is truly an evergreen video for anyone and it's also a topic that just completely fascinates me also i think what would be really fun is if people wrote their favorite like question to ask people um leave that in the comments down below as well i want to thank you guys so much for watching and go out there and socialize you can do it alright talk to you later bye [Music] you

Channel: Jenn Im

Views: 1,358,384

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Id: VSEM2MY1Or0

Length: 13min 17sec (797 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 29 2022