How to talk so people listen that's what
I'm gonna be talking about today I'm gonna give you three tips to improve
your charisma and five tips to improve your body language to create an
impressive presence. I'm Dr. Tracey Marks a psychiatrist and
this channel is about mental health education and self-improvement.
I publish weekly video so subscribe so you don't miss one. If you can get people
to listen to you you have influence and influence comes from respect and
admiration. But how do you get someone who doesn't really even know you to
respect or admire you? You have to let them leave your presence feeling good
about themselves. Mya Angelou said it best and I'll quote
her: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what
you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
It all boils down to nurturing relationships, even superficial ones. And
this concept can apply to work your marriage or relationships with friends,
kids, anyone. Some people are just naturally charismatic, but anyone can
learn to be charismatic. You don't have to be a comedian or a super extrovert.
People with charisma make people feel good about themselves. So here are three
ways to develop more charisma. Smile when you talk. Emotions are contagious and so
let people catch something positive from you. And people treat you differently and
the message comes across differently when you're smiling than when you're not
smiling. Number two: be curious and interested in others. And I'm gonna
borrow a quote from the late Dale Carnegie a self-improvement writer and
he said, "you can make more friends in two months by being interested in others
than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you. The way to
find out things about others is to ask questions. People like talking about
themselves and they'll respond positively to someone who gives them the
opportunity to talk. But let's say you run across a private person. They're
going to want to keep the conversation neutral and you'll be able to tell
because this kind of person will when you ask them questions will give you
short vague answers lacking in detail. they may even seem evasive. And it'll be tempting to want to push them for more details
but don't. These kind of people need to feel comfortable with you before they
open up about themselves. Too many questions can feel intrusive and
off-putting. So in this case, if you want to have small talk with them you need to
talk about something neutral like the event that you're attending or the
office or whatever you have in common with them. Then whatever you talk about
be sure to smile and be warm and engaging as this can make the person
feel as though you're enjoying their company. Giving them the sense that
you're enjoying their company can go miles with them because guarded people
like this usually know that they're not good with people and they may feel this
way because they're used to people reacting to them by being intrusive or
judgmental about the fact that they're not carrying their weight in the
conversation. So if you come along and carry the conversation in a warm and
accepting way, you stand out as different and this is an example of
charisma. People are attracted to you because of the way you make them feel.
Number three: encourage and support others. People don't want criticism they
crave support and admiration and keep in mind people are attracted to those who
are open and non-judgmental. No one wants to be judged and this doesn't mean you
don't have to you can't have any opinion. But you can express your opinion and
simultaneously validate the other person's opposing opinion such that they
don't feel judged because you feel differently from them. So let me give you
a concrete example of being supportive. Suppose someone is telling you about an
idea that they have and suppose you think that it's a bad idea and you can't
you really can't find anything positive to say about it. In fact, you can even
think of some ways to improve their idea. So what do you say? So first think, is
this person asking you for a critique? Did they preface what they said with
"please give me some feedback and let me know what you think?" Or "how I can improve this idea?" If they didn't and you have nothing to do with their
project or idea, chances are nothing you say will change
what they do. Instead maybe he's telling you about something he's really proud of
and he's looking for affirmation. And if you're not into whatever it is he's
doing you could still find something positive to say.
So you could say boy that looks like that was a lot of work and he could say
"it is. I spent two months pulling it together." And then instead of saying well
that was two months wasted, you could say "good for you from being so dedicated to
this." You see what you're doing? You're complimenting the person for their
effort and dedication and it says nothing about whether or not you like
what he's doing. Now suppose he asks outright "do you like this, you think it's
a good idea?" You could say, "it's hard for me to say because I'm not really good at
something" or "I don't really know much about" blank. What you're doing here is
you're making your shortcomings or your lack of exposure to this thing the
reason that you can't really appreciate what he's done and that's not a
judgement in fact you're saying "gosh I'm so stupid about this stuff I can't even
give you a relevant opinion, my opinion is worthless in this scenario." And that's
a template here that you could use you if you don't like someone's idea or
their craft or their product. Don't give them negative feedback, just disqualify
yourself from being able to give an opinion that matters because you're so
disconnected from their thing. And this doesn't have to be disingenuous. What
you're doing is you're changing the focus of the feedback. Now of course if
someone comes to you for an objective review you should tell them how they can
improve. I mean you should just be frank about it. But that's usually not the case
when people are engaged in small talk. They're not wanting you to fix them and
that's the difference here we're talking about small talk. Let's look at body
language. Body language has a huge impact on how others perceive you. The goal with
your body language should be to convey that you're important, open, interesting
and interested, So here's five ways to make that happen.
Number one: fill the space around you. Avoid acting small. Open up your
shoulders, sit up straight. If you're sitting at a table, spread out a little
bit. Don't look as if you're trying not to get in people's way. Important people
take up the space they require and then other people fill in around them. You
also want to keep your shoulders relaxed. It's easy to have tense shoulders and
not notice it yourself. But let your shoulders relax and fall down. People
with authority look more relaxed in public situations so even if you're not
relaxed, try and at least look relaxed. Also when you sit, you want to sit up
straight and sit up tall. When you sit slouched, you're minimizing your presence.
Number 2: lean toward the person that you're speaking with. It gives the
impression that you're paying attention and people appreciate this and will
usually engage even more. You want to keep consistent eye contact with the
person avoid looking around or you know being distracted by other things that
are going on in the room. Wandering eyes make you look like you're not listening.
Have you ever been to a social gathering where so you're talking to the person
and they're... you know... it doesn't make you feel good and it doesn't leave a very
lasting impression. You want to make the person feel like they're the only person in the room. Number three: no fidgeting. Keep the unnecessary movements to a minimum so don't pick at your face or shake your legs or click a pen. This
doesn't instill confidence in the other person that you're with and it just
makes you look insecure, nervous or even bored. Number four: slow down. Confident
and commanding personalities tend to have slower motions. Nervous people tend
to look rushed about and harried all the time. So when you're walking, walk slower
with your back up straight like you're gliding and see if anyone notices or
says anything to you. I'll bet you you'll give a completely different impression.
Number five: practice mirroring and this is something that can happen naturally when two people are talking and they're just really in sync with each other.
But you can also intentionally mimic someone's movements to make them feel
more at ease when they're with you. So what you do is you match the other
person's posture and mannerism. So if she puts her hand in her lap you put your
hand in your lap. If she moves her head to the side when she's talking, you kind
of move your head to the side as well. But you need to allow a delay. You don't
want to look like one of those clown mimes. Just give it a few seconds and
then assume a similar posture. And then also don't do it the whole time. You
don't want to do it too much or it can look weird and distracting. But just
assume a few poses or positions with your hands or if they're crossing their
legs sitting back, you could cross your legs. Things like that. Just a couple of
postures or poses and give it a try and see if it seems to makes a difference in
the flow of the conversation. So I hope you get people listening to you. I'd love
to hear your feedback. Leave me a comment and share this video. I'd really
appreciate it.
