I realize the irony of saying something like this... ...on a self-help channel, but eh... ...here's something I wish somebody told
me sooner about self-improvement. ♪ [Intro music] ♪ It doesn't work the way that we think it does. There's a reason why New Year's
resolutions don't work. And that reason is, <i>typically</i>
with a New Year's resolution... ...what we're saying is
"I don't like how things are going right now." "I don't like myself, or my life."
Or whatever. And I want to make a change. So overnight, literally, like on New Year's Day,.. ...I'm going to make this drastic change to my life. And then my life will be different. And all the things that I will
gain from doing it that way... ...will come to me. And then two weeks later: NO. Like, we're not doing that thing anymore. We've fallen off of it. We feel bad, we feel guilty, we feel ashamed. And we don't have to. We don't have to feel that way. Because the truth is, that that's not unusual. That's what happens, that's how brains work. Human beings apparently,
according to my therapist... ...are not actually capable of that drastic change... ...in terms of actually sustaining it. We <i>can</i> change that quickly. But, she said to think of it like a rubber band. So you have a rubber band... ...and you stretch it out,
stretch it out, stretch it out... ...to where you want it to be, right? And then what happens when you let go? As soon as we get distracted, as soon as
something else comes up in our life... ...like, that rubber band snaps
back to where it was before. We're asking ourselves to bend ourselves... ...completely out of shape
from where we are right now. And we can't sustain that. So, while we <i>can</i> make drastic change all at once... ...it's not going to be lasting change. We can sometimes get stuck in these cycles... ...and I have <i>been there</i>. Of looking for the thing
that will change our lives. Or the thing that will help us change
and be the people who we want to be. And we need to do it like NOW. But when we do that, we really
do set ourselves up for failure. Because we're going to snap back. One of the things I'm learning to do... ...is to accept that I can't change overnight. But that doesn't mean I can't <i>change</i>. What she told me is that human beings... ...are really only capable of sustaining
one degree of change at a time. So if you stretch out a rubber band a <i>little bit</i>... ...it might actually stay in that shape. Because you're not asking it to
be something that it's not. You're asking it to grow, just a little. This not only applies to, like,
routines and habits... ...which it definitely does... ...but it also applies to how
we are as humans, personally. Like, personal growth. One of the things that's really
common with people with anxiety... ...is having a low tolerance for uncertainty. I mean, I knew I don't do well in situations... ...where there's a lot of uncertainty. But I thought the answer was, like, well... ...just make sure that there's certainty. So I had to learn to build up my tolerance for uncertainty. And when I thought about it and I
processed it and I went to my therapist. I said: "I just want to change completely." Like, I just want to sit in <i>all</i> the uncertainty. I just want to be uncertain about everything. If I don't know something, I'm going to be like... ... "You know what, I'm just going to be
comfortable not knowing it." And she just laughed and that's when she told me this. Like, "You have to do it slowly.". Because human beings aren't capable of
sustaining that kind of drastic change. We are only capable of sustaining
one degree of change at a time. So if you want to build up your
tolerance for uncertainty,.. ...the best way to do that is to give
yourself just a little bit of space. A pause that feels do-able, like maybe
a little uncomfortable, but do-able. And I think that's the key to any routines,
habits, anything you want to do. And it's going to be different for everybody. Nobody can give you the formula
of what's going to work for you. But it should be within this... ...in education they call it, the
'proximal zone of development'... ...where you're stretching yourself a little bit
but not so much you're going to snap back. And I think only we can really know where that is. I know when I'm asking too much of myself. Because there is a little voice
in my head that's like... ..."You can't do it, like, you're not
going to be able to keep this up." And I'm just like: "No, I'm going to prove you wrong." "This time will be different!" But I know, like, if I listen to that voice in myself... ...I can tell that I'm asking too much of myself. And I can also tell when I'm not asking enough. When I'm just, like, lying to myself. "I'll just do this little bit. Baby-steps are fine." And I'm like, I could do more. I could sustain more. And I know that. So, I think what everybody's one percent is, is different. But, I would so love to see... ...our community able to make the
changes in their life that they want to make. And <i>not</i> spend so much time,
and energy, and effort, and money... ...on drastic changes that are not going to last. And all of the discouragement and disappointment... ...and loss of belief in ourself that comes with that. 'Cause we live in a society where people will sell us solutions. And tell us that's it's going to be an overnight change. There's just so many, like, instant fixes that people try and sell us. Because we all want that instant fix. We want to be different from who we are. We want to be different from where we are. So of course we're going to want the change that happens quickly. But that's not the change that lasts. So it's not really change. That is not how change works. Which is really disappointing! [ laughs ] I wish it was! Right? I wish as soon as we knew
how to do better, we just did better. That would be great, right? I wish you could pick up a self-help book... ...and be like "Oh, that's the answer?
I'll just do all of those things then." And, like, now my life is fine. It's not how it works. So I hope nobody's watching this channel... ...going like, "Oh my God, that's the solution!" And binge-watching the videos being like:
"let me just change EVERYTHING right now!" And expecting that to last.
Because it's not going to. I am in a really good place with my ADHD
and understanding how my brain works. And working with it, not against it. You knwo how I got there?
One degree of change. It was one week of learning a new thing. And then another week of learning a new thing. And slowly, over 7 years, I got here. But if anybody's bingeing this channel... ...going like "Oh, I'm going to fix my entire life overnight!" You're not. Change does not happen overnight. But the good news is:
it can happen. And to get there we don't have to put ourselves through... ...that level of intense 'New Year's Resolution'
'I'm going to change everything right now! We can get to where we want to go... ...by just steering ourselves in that direction just a little. And that's a lot kinder to us. It's a lot less disruptive to our lives. It's a lot less stressful on us, and
probably the other people in our lives. One of the things I've always struggled with... ...is getting into a regular work-out
routine that I can sustain. What would happen is that I would go from... ...I'm not working out at all to
let me work out five days a week. I'm going to go to the gym and do something
completely different outside my routine. It was too much. I couldn't sustain it. I would run out of energy, or money... ...I wasn't the kind of person who
would go to the gym five days a week. That's not who I am. So asking myself to bet that, immediately, didn't last. What I'm using now, is CoPilot. And when I started, I went "You know what?" "One degree of change." CoPilot is a one-on-one coaching service. Where you connect with a personal trainer
who designs workouts that work for you. Based on your current fitness-level,
whatever equipment you have available... ...and however long you want to work out. You meet via video-calls to talk about your goals and individual needs. Then, your coach tracks your workouts... ...and keeps you accountable with regular check-ins. One of the things I love about CoPilot... ...is that it encourages incremental change. When I told my first trainer I'd
work out five days a week.... ...she was like, "How about three?" "And then there can be optional
workouts if you feel like doing more." When three a week was still a bit too much... ...she encouraged me to go down to two a week. And once two a week felt totally do-able
for me, I was able to go up to three. The progress wasn't as quick as if I'd
been able to do more per week... ...but I was still making progress. I was getting stronger, and better at my workouts. And, more importantly, I was able to sustain it. 'Cause I'd already adapted and adjusted, and
gotten used to it being part of my routine. It was just one more degree of change. So I was able to stick to it. And seeing the difference. I'm starting to feel really good in my body. I'm feeling more coordinated.
I can tell that I'm stronger. My brain is functioning better because I'm working out regularly. I'm less stressed that I probably
would be, otherwise, while writing a book. Am I completely where I want to be? No. But, I know that I'm going to get there. And that's the difference. All the trainers that I've had on CoPilot.... ...have supported me getting to my
goals in a way that's sustainable. As opposed to getting to them quickly. Which, I know from experience, works better. At least for me. If you'd like to try it out, click my link:
go.mycopilot.com/howtoadhd. To get 14 days FREE with your
expert fitness and health coach. It's so hard to be patient!
it really is. But it is cool looking back... ...and being "You know what, it's been a
long time to get me to where I am now... ...and I'm still not there yet, but I see the
progress and I'm sustaining that progress." Probably for the first time in
my life about <i>anything</i>, really. Because I'm not asking <i>so</i> much
of myself that I can't keep it up. What we expect of ourselves is often incredibly unrealistic. And then we beat ourselves up because it didn't work out. Or we get mad at our partner because it didn't work out. Or our employee, or our boss, or whatever. We're just like, "But I asked for change yesterday." [ laughs ] "Why didn't it happen?" Sometimes you need to shift things into
place to support that change. Is really what it comes down to, right? We have to shift the way that we think. Shift the way that we act. We have to shift our Circadian rhythm,
like, our body-clock. There's a lot of pieces that
have to be shifted into place. To support a change. And if you don't give yourself.... ...or the person you're asking the change from.... ...time to shift those pieces into place,
they're not going to be able to make it happen. It's going to be a janky foundation. And that's going to fall. I think one way to cope with the impatience of
"I'm not getting there fast enough"... ...is to get really curious and practice mindfulness around... ...where <i>is</i> the progress? If you look for that change, it is there. So, I think for me personally what helps me... ...deal with impatience of "But I'm not there yet!"... ...is to really acknowledge and
appreciate the change that <i>is</i> there. And recognize that, even if I'm not there yet,
I'm headed in the right direction. And eventually that will get me to where I want to go. I have to say one more thing, just because it's important. 'Cause sometimes, we want to change people
into people who we think they should be. And not necessarily into people
who <i>they</i> think they should be. Or who <i>they</i> want to be. I think it's okay to encourage growth in other people. But it's important to remember... ...people need to grow along their own growth-lines. You can't grow somebody into someone else. You can't grow them into a different person. If I'm expecting somebody that I care about... ...that I want to encourage to, like, be better
and be the best version of themselves... ...but in my version of the best version of
themselves is somebody who they're <i>not</i>.... ...it's not going to work. So I think we also have toe be careful... ...not only how quickly we expect
ourselves or others to change... ...but what kind of change we're asking for. We all have our own growth-lines. We all have our ways in which
our values are encouraging us to grow. And we'd like to be <i>here</i> but we're not there yet. That we can encourage and we can work on. If you're asking somebody or yourself... ...into something that isn't even important
to you or isn't really who you are... ...that's probably not going to work either. I've asked myself to be things that
are not going to be sustainable. Either because it's not actually what I want. It's not in line with my values. And I've honestly - it's embarrassing to admit this... ...I've done that to other as well. "It'd be really great if you loved going to parties!"
And this, and this, and this. If somebody's not an extrovert they
might be willing to go to parties with you... ...but they might not ever be the person
who you're hoping that they're gong to be. At the end of the day, we are who we are. We still value what we value. Our boundaries are what they are. We can stretch and grow, but
we're not going to be different people. There's something called 'radical acceptance'... ...which is this idea that wherever you're at... ...you accept that. And get real
with yourself about where you're at now. 'Cause then, you can identify what
that one degree of change is. And what's actually do-able. If that's not actually who you are, that's not
actually one degree of change for <i>you</i>. Same with a partner, same
with a friend, an employee. Recognize where they're at. <i>really</i>. Like, <i>actually</i>. Not where you'd like them to be.
Or like yourself to be. Where they're <i>actually</i> at. And encourage one degree of change.
So that it's sustainable. Then appreciate that change. Thank you to my Brain Advocates
and all my Patreon Brains... ...for helping us do the work that
we're doing on this channel. And being able to change the world.
Make it a little more ADHD friendly. One degree at a time. Again, if you want to try out CoPilot
you can get 14 days FREE... ...by clicking on my link in the description below. Like, subscribe, click all the things. Let me know what your one degree of change is... ...and I will see you next week. Bye Brains! ♪♪
