How to speak about the loss of a child | Penny Kreitzer | TEDxOnBoard

Wednesday July 3rd 2013 8:25 a.m. I'm in my apartment reading emails and suddenly I feel my breath hi caught in my chest missing heartbeats my son phones mom turn on the TV breaking news a summer camp ground for children in Yosemite several injured one dead aerial view a great branch down charts wood benches tables crushed beneath my child is their parents are calling but they can't get through so they posting on Facebook call me call me Anna East darling please please call me but the lines are always busy who are they calling I'm her mother they would have called me four and a half hours later I get through I learn it's her it's her she's the one I don't know how many times I screamed I knew beyond any knowing that it was true my child my girl my daughter my gorgeous gorgeous Anais would never ever ever again coming through my front door into my arms later the injured girls told me she had saved their lives my 21 year old daughter's last words were whoa the trees falling run and in an instant my life was utterly demolished I had no skills for living this unbelievable when a child dies it's often not always but often it's sudden its violent and the parents aren't there when a child dies it's always nature backwards and the grief is agonizing it debilitates it needs long-term care it's like having open heart surgery without anesthesia and then you're supposed to get up put on a mask wear a facade and move on business as usual my life will never be the same and I have a constant companion now grief that shows up when I least expect they are mothers I now know he was stayed in bed for two three years others soldiered on at a cost and one mother I knew killed herself it's broken sleep broken memory broken identity jagged crying for days nights weeks months years PTSD triggers everywhere lost words I find myself up at night late typing her music on hallelujah sitting on the dock of the bay James Brown revenge thinking ping words torn out of me to hold the pain the grief the rage and the emptiness I was already so broken I did not expect what happened next and it broke my heart a few close friends and relatives who I assumed would be with me through this agony weren't they were afraid they was fear I was avoided I was dropped according to them I was negative heavy to angry I needed to move on it seems that my ongoing grief without expiration date was too much and too long for them but fortunately there were good friends who stayed and new ones emerged I bless them and then a ray of light ten months after a niece was killed I heard about project grace two mothers who had not lost children were taking six bereaved mothers to Tanzania to work in an orphanage being from South Africa I knew that in Africa life and death are intimately connected in a dynamic cycle I signed up immediately every evening one of the mothers would tell the life story of her child talking so freely about our dead children we began to heal as a community we had compassion for each other and compassion for ourselves and then there were the children we've each been given a pin with a photograph of our child this is mine the children called me mama Anais and they had gathering close so close no distance and they'd look at the photo of uh niece and they'd look up at me and they'd ask what happened I tell them at 8:25 a.m. a huge branch from a very tall 85 foot black oak tree crashed down on the wooden benches and tables with some girls were eating their breakfast several girls were injured but uh niece was killed and they look at her photograph again and they look up at me and they say why did that happen and I tell them people have to take special care of places where children play and sing and meet and eat they have to always check the trees that give us shade and protect us to make sure that they are always strong and safe and then those children looked again at Anais they looked up at me and they looked at her again and they looked at me and they said sorry sorry and I felt something shift in me I felt normal these children from the orphanage in Tanzania had the gift of love courage simplicity compassion and kindness I was seen they asked they listened they heard and they were sorry and they also had instinctively the gift of knowing to make a relationship with Anais and with me and out of that they asked their questions they were present and they were not afraid I know that everybody will have their own journey of grief if you unfortunate enough for this to happen this was mine and Tanzania saved my life when I came back I had new energy which I channeled into my writing and I gave birth to a play its title if a tree falls I was able through theater and art to have a voice to break the silence and talk about this terrible tragedy honor my daughter's enthusiasm for life and her passion and love of nature and also I could talk openly about this taboo the unspeakable losing a child and this gave me a sense of strength inside all the chaos so today I stand for the other mothers whom I now know and also for families who've lost children and remember it's families its siblings its grandparents and I'm grateful to be able to share with you what it is like to lose a child and also some of the things to say and not to say there's a tendency when this grief goes on it goes on forever to start to isolate and to feel invisible and that's bad so it's incredibly important to keep reaching out a friend of mine told me that she heard her sixteen-year-old son speaking on the phone to an aunt in heavy grief and he said I don't know what to say now that's fine that's authentic I love you and on always here for you and what I learned from the children and the experiencing Tanzania that it is so important to create a relationship that it acknowledges what happened I may look all right to you but inside my reality is so different I have a dead child now so when that reality is acknowledged then we play we sang we had fun we had a wonderful time it wasn't all doom and gloom now I know that people mean well and they want to help but too often what they say has a visceral negative shut down for me here are some examples I'm sorry for your loss how are you it's good you have another child you seem to me to be so much better now may her memory be a blessing things change life will change time heals all let go move on I know it's difficult but if you don't know what to say ask the parents and if you make a mistake and say I'm sorry I want to be asked about Anais I want her name spoken and I also want to break down the taboo the fear that holds us apart death is not a contagious disease it happens across all demographics Anais died the grieving goes on it's been nearly four years and I have goodish days and bad days and I expect it'll go on like this forever when you go home today think about the people who are meaningful to you and phone them reach out show them you care stay in contact tell them that you love them because remember tomorrow is never promised [Applause] you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 92,847

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Life, Body language, Cause, Change, Charter for Compassion, Children, Communication, Community, Compassion, Connection, Conservation, Cooperation, Depression, Faith, Family, Fear, Hardship, Health, Hope, Language, Learning, Life Development, Love, Personal growth, Purpose, Recovery, Relationships, Sharing, Social Change, Social Interaction, Society, Speech, Spirituality, Struggle, Teaching, Tragedy, Truth, Women

Id: RV54J3JSdBg

Length: 13min 43sec (823 seconds)

Published: Wed May 17 2017