How To Set Boundaries In a Relationship (Try This!) | Lewis Howes

often we want the other person to do something about it the person who has exhibited you know all of these things why don't you start being more nurturing you don't call me more often the acceptance of that is this person is whatever they're saying is how do I be in this relationship with them or choose not to be in this relationship with them how do I create closeness how do I create distance what can I do a lot of people it seems like people have a lot of dysfunction in families because parents are human beings who have no clue what they're doing siblings are human beings who have no clue what they're doing aunties and uncles human beings have no clue what they're doing we have an expectation based on their role we think oh my gosh once you you know become a mother there's all of these things once you become a father once you become an uncle like you'll know how to communicate with kids no I don't know how to you know like so these things these not that they're unreasonable but the person can't you know they can't meet it they don't grow up they have their own you know demons they're fighting they aren't emotionally mature they're not reading a ton of self-help books they haven't been to therapy they don't so our expectation of people sometimes they can't be met and that's a tough peel to swallow that although this person is a parent they may not be nurturing although this person is a sibling they may not be supportive although this person is your grandparent they may have another favorite you know like all of these things that happen in family I think we think of dysfunction as abuse neglect but it's also you know when someone dies and everybody's fighting over an inheritance it's also you know having issues with your in-laws it's also sabotaging your your your sister's wedding it's also it's so many things and that's why I think people identify because you know so many people in the family I mean pick a person someone's messed up yeah yeah somewhere I mean it's not the nuclear family but gosh those cousins it's somewhere yeah yeah I love in your your dedication you say we are the answer not the people we can't control how do we learn to self-soothe in dysfunctional family relationships because one you're talking about addressing you know as an adult the parent or the person that maybe you caused upset or pain right it's addressing it and having a conversation writing a letter but we may not get a good response hopefully we do but we may not how do we learn to self-soothe and mend and heal even when the other person attacks us or blows us blows up even more acceptance that was yeah it's all about acceptance but it's such a process I was talking to a friend the other day who was talking about her her relationship with a family member who isn't what she wants that person to be and she said I don't know if I accept her I said you do because you don't invite her into spaces that you know she won't fit in we think that acceptance looks like everything will be better when in actuality it is seeing a person as they are and knowing that you were powerless to change it yeah so this is this is my mother this is my mother and father this is my sibling um you can want something to be different until the end of time but this is the situation given the situation I have what do I want to do about it often we want the other person to do something about it the person who has exhibited you know all of these things were like why don't you get sober why don't you start being more nurturing you don't call me more often you're not doing this I had a game and you did it's like there the acceptance of that is this person is whatever this saying is how do I be in this relationship with them or choose not to be in this relationship with them how do I create closeness how do I create distance what can I do to change this situation because we're often trying to change people who aren't interested in changing they aren't going to therapy they aren't reading these books it's like you getting the Enlightenment and being like Oh they need to change now that I know this term for them it's like they're a gaslighter they must change it's like they're not reading that book you're reading the book and maybe they want to change they don't want to change they're fine with their behavior so what will you do when you know they continue to do these things acceptance and boundaries is what it sounds like right it's I remember for years I just used to be kind of frustrated with my mom when I was like an adult Ever After 21 let's say it took me a while to become an adult but I'd say after 21 right I am I get frustrated with her because I felt like she kept treating me like a child right and I didn't like that feeling and I wanted her to change and I don't know 10 15 years went by she didn't change and I expressed my frustrations and all these things didn't change right she looked at me as her little baby even though I was a grown man at the time and it was frustrating and I had to learn to accept her it wasn't until maybe like five years ago where I fully had like acceptance of my mom like this is who she is it's not going to change but I can create boundaries and you know make sure I set a boundary for myself so it doesn't affect me as much and just love her for who she is and it's been a beautiful experience for me I feel a lot more joy thinking about my mom knowing that this is the way she is and it's okay as long as I put boundaries in place so but why do you think it's so hard for us to accept the people we love the most because we would rather put the duty of doing the work on others [Music] in the situation you just described with your mother if she would have changed when you were 21 oh the easiness much easier right so much easier but if you had to place a boundary oh the work you had to do oh my gosh we get so upset at people for making us why are they emailing me on vacation because you're responding [Music] how do you stop responding you know the the work that we have to do in our relationships with people it is it's almost like we get upset with them for making us do the work when really they are just being themselves yes if you don't want to be treated like a child how do you become more of an adult create boundaries you create those boundaries so when your mom is like tell me about your girlfriend you're like I don't I don't want to talk about it and then your mom was like oh he doesn't have to tell me everything anymore so it's it's you doing that work your mom can always ask and you can always place that boundary exactly and just say I don't want to talk about it right now Mom let's talk about something else yeah or whatever and wash my clothes I don't need you to figure out what I'm doing with my I don't I don't have to be the person to say that because your mom is operating in the capacity that she knows absolutely yeah that's beautiful what else do you think people get wrong about family Dynamics siblings parents kids and what else do we need to know about this one of the things we get wrong is that if we are honest about what the relationship is that we will lose our love for the person give me an example if I say my mother was unkind that means I don't love her doesn't mean you don't love you don't love her it just means she was unkind maybe sometimes maybe all the time I don't know but you could still love people who who do things to you or who cause you to feel a certain way and sometimes we don't know that we think if we say anything bad about someone it means that we don't love them that we're betraying them and both of those things can exist you know when when I find people talking about their parents they will say all of these nice qualities because they're trying to make them not seem like a bad person when we talk about our partners we'll say you know I really love this person they've been there for me they always listen to me and then you know like we we are trying to say I really love them I don't want to say anything bad about them and we don't have to protect the truth we don't have to protect the person from everything that we feel about them one thing we've been practicing in our house I have two daughters and they are at that age where they bicker all the time and oh she's annoying and I say everyone in this house is annoying you your sister your dad the dog the TV sometimes it's too loud this is normal in relationships We're Not Gonna always get it right and if we have an expectation of perfection in a relationship sometimes I'm gonna say the wrong thing and I want you to be able to you know what sometimes you say the wrong things sometimes you're unkind sometimes you annoy me sometimes that happens in relationships and we should be able to talk about the totality of the relationship not just the good parts and you know they're really amazing in these ways but you know I I've felt neglected when that really hurt when you said I wish you would have done more of those are also things we should say normal part of relationships is having some sort of conflict we can't watch a movie without a little bit of conflict yeah even a good old rhyme time you need that conflict yeah so it's it's a part of being in relationship that it doesn't have to be perfect to exist we could talk about all parts of it it doesn't mean that the relationship is bad or we don't want to be in it it just means that we're being honest where do you struggle the most in your relationships in terms of how you interpret relationships how you react and respond you're in this work constantly you're working with people who are in Breakdown or struggling who are you know coming to you for guidance but where do you see that you could grow the most personally in relationships I think having more understanding for people who are unwilling to do the work because I'm around people constantly who are doing the work I'm a therapist so everyone that I see is doing the work a lot of people that I talk to on podcasts or you know in my online community they're trying to do the work so to be in personal relationships where they're like I'm fine it's you it's hard to be compassionate about that it's like what we have all of this information available yeah so that piece that like holding that Grace of it hasn't always been easy for me and it takes it takes a lot of self-compassion and Grace to get to a point of saying you know what I did mess up and I have to remember that because everybody's not in that space and so some of those personal relationships it's like yeah they're not in that space and that's okay I haven't always been in that space how dare I look down on someone look at me now I'm in a better space it's like I get it it's tough because I wish sometimes I could unsee stuff you know it's like I wish I didn't care about things so much anymore like gosh I wish that thing didn't make me sad because it was a good life to not feel some things relationships they were bad but they were better because you had them so I think that you know this this knowing sometime is like it's tough the awareness the awareness Consciousness seeing it I hear you well I'm excited about your book drama-free a guide to managing unhealthy family relationships I think a lot of people can relate to experiencing this now or at some point in life dealing with someone in their family that was maybe unhealthy or just they struggled to really mend certain things I want people to get this book you've also got another book that's amazing as well get both of them uh but again get this get this for your whole family so you can go through the practices the guides all the tools in here that'll support you create more emotional peace create more love more joy in your relationships that's what I believe we're all seeking we all want we want more of that even if it's familiar to be in chaos I don't think that's our true nature that's just familiarity and a comfort zone but it's time to break free of that it's time to time to become drama free and break free of the unhealthy relationships so I'm very excited about the book and I want people to get this also where can we go to support you follow you get the book learn more about these things my website naturalwab.com everything is there from there you will be connected to my socials to workshops worksheets everything that I'm doing okay cool Nedra tawab.com we'll have it all linked up your Instagram is amazing as well I love everything you post over there so make sure you guys go follow on social media as well um I asked you this question before but we are virtual so I'm curious if there's a different response okay it's a question I ask everyone at the end called the three truths so imagine a hypothetical scenario it's your last day on Earth many years away you live as long as you want to live you live 200 500 doesn't matter to me and you experience life on your terms you create what you want you have the life you want you write more books you help more people whatever you want to do you live that life but for whatever reason all of your work and your message has to go with you when you pass this book social media AI whatever you create in the future is gone so we don't have your words anymore your message but you get to leave three lessons behind three things you know to be true from your experience that you would share as lessons for the world to think about what would be those three truths for you I would say live authentically create your life and be present I love all three of those live authentically create your life and be present before I ask the final question Nedra I want to acknowledge you again for your light you bring such a light to the world with your work with your teaching with your one-on-one practice but also the message you bring to all of us and I'm so grateful that you are here to be of service to humanity because we need people like you so I really acknowledge you for your gifts your unique experiences your perspective and your ability to serve in the unique way that you do it's beautiful so thank you my final question is what's your definition of greatness definition of greatness you know I think love is the definition of greatness without that you know what is life what do you think are the the boundaries that people fail to set the most in these relationships that don't work and that continue not to work over time what do we fail to set once we realize there's massive breakdowns yeah I mean and this is the real challenge is that when you're in a relationship breakdown or things aren't going well and I hear stories like this from thousands of people all the time right where it's like I the in heterosexual relationships the wife is doing all of the household management and all of the child care and the you know expectations are only placed on her and it's like she is the default for everything and she has to ask her husband to help and pitch in and babysit his own kids and she comes to me and says like I don't know what to do in this situation the challenging thing is that at that point you can't solve that with a simple boundary right the boundary has to be like I am going to go to therapy myself to explore what my options are because at this point the way this relationship is working is not working for me right but if we go back to like some of the things we've talked about even earlier on in a relationship I think setting a boundary like right away in a relationship immediately even before you start dating can be a super good litmus test for how well you can communicate so it's like we're talking about going on a first date and it's like oh by the way I don't drink so I'd love to meet you for happy hour I'll just have like a d and see if there's pressure see if that is weird see if they give you like pushback on that or you can talk about you know before you get intimate like by the way you know this is what I said to my husband like by the way you're wearing a condom and until we both get STD tested and like swap tests that's going to continue and like if that isn't respected that's an immediate relationship Ender for me like that's it right so I think it can be helpful early on to set boundaries and relationships just to see how you discuss them how you each view them do they see it as selfish and if so can you have that conversation do they push back how do they handle when you navigate that pushback I think that can be really important what about with um children you know as a parent I don't have kids yet so I can't relate to that I can relate to my experience as a kid being obnoxious to my parents uh and probably driving them crazy and understanding that it's challenging for parents how do healthy conscious parents create healthy boundaries with kids without neglecting their kids emotions feelings and needs yeah I think the two are definitely not mutually exclusive so I think the first thing that you can do as parents is model healthy boundaries for your kids so it is me you know saying to my husband like hey I need a half an hour of alone time I'm going to go to my room I'll come back out you know after I'm feeling a little bit more refreshed like when my son watches us do that he recognizes that like in this family it's okay to say no that people don't get mad when you say no that Mom's taking responsibility for her own feelings so we've been modeling healthy boundaries but I've had boundaries with my son from the very earliest age and I have set boundaries on his behalf so one of the earliest boundaries I set with him or for him was when you visit Grandma or grandpa or Nana and Papa and or Auntie Kelly and you don't see them very often you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to we have to be polite he didn't say goodbye and say thank you but you can hug you can kiss you can wave you can fist bump you can make a funny face you can you know high five whatever you want but you don't have to hug or kiss if you don't want to and so we had this like issue once with my mom where she was like I really want to hug like I haven't seen him in such a long time I only see him a few times a year and I'm like I get it but he doesn't want to hug you and like you need to respect that and she did and I recognized that it was disappointing for her but also what I taught my son was that you have agency and if you don't want to hug you don't have to and so now you know I'll come sit next to him on the couch when he's nine and I'll be like hey do you want to watch Naked and Afraid and like do a little snuggle and he'll be like I'd love to watch the show but I don't want to snuggle that's fine yeah that's good wow so we've raised him in the culture of boundaries and he feels now comfortable setting boundaries with me and he you know boundaries really create a sense of safety for kids they do because they you know realize that the adults in their household are taking responsibility for their own feelings that boundaries are not about pushing other people away they're about you know creating that sense of like family in a way that works for everybody and I think they feel really safe to my kid and one of the biggest boundaries you've had to create for yourself healthy boundaries for you individually separate from family and loved ones and resilience I think boundaries with yourself are so incredibly powerful because they only rely on one person to hold them and you can immediately reclaim your time your energy Your Capacity your mental health your physical space and sense of safety like that's an immediate benefit from you setting one boundary with yourself the challenging thing is that if you don't keep that boundary like what's going to happen think of all the amazing things in life that are expressions of just you for instance the song You Stream over and over again while you're in your 13th Hour of gaming at 4am in the morning with all the lights off trying not to wake up your roommates or the recommendations that you share with your friends on the top six comedy podcasts that are the best to listen to on your way to the gym and back or even your new haircuts which may or may not be an epic bowl cut from the 90s and hopefully is everything that makes you you makes all the difference State Farm believes Insurance should work the same way your plan your coverage they need to be personalized to you and the ability to choose the plan you want by picking the options that fit you like building your home and auto policies is exactly what the State Farm personal price plan is all about getting the coverage you want at an affordable price just for you so are you ready to make things personal call or go to statefarm.com today to create your steep Farm personal price plan M prices vary by state options selected by customer availability and eligibility may vary right if you say to yourself I'm not going to check my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine which is one of my most beloved boundaries and the one that I've set for many many years and the one that I still hold to if I do rule over and check my phone before I go to the gym and do my meditation like nobody's gonna jump out of the closet and slap the phone out of my hand so but you're gonna know I will know and what's going to happen is that there will be a massive ripple effect to Future Melissa really I think about future me all the time tell me more what is the decision that I'm making right now and how is it going to impact future Melissa because current and Melissa is going to be so happy to just like stay up late and not start her bedtime routine and just do like one more you know Show on Netflix but what will this mean for future Melissa she's going to be really mad at herself because she didn't get to bed on time and then she's going to fall asleep late and then she's probably not going to have as good a night's sleep and then when she wakes up tomorrow she's not going to be pumped for the gym and she might even skip it because she's going to be tired if she skips the gym before she does this interview she was she's like not going to be a good guess because she won't feel grounded and centered like when I play it out that way it makes it a lot easier for me to be like go to bed because future Melissa will benefit so I have boundaries with myself or I'm not checking my phone in the morning before I do my morning routine not checking my phone in like the half hour before bedtime so I'm not checking Twitter one more time or email one more time I have really strong boundaries like when I'm out of office I am out of office unless something is on fire you do not call or text me and I will not be checking text messages or emails so you know I I think I set boundaries with myself pretty often because I know that they can be like an instant sense they can give me an instant sense of Freedom yeah and nobody else has to even worry about it what's the boundary you said in the last two years for yourself that has given you the most benefit will come more rigorous about what I say yes to in terms of work opportunities it's good it's hard as an entrepreneur not to feel like you have to or should say yes to everything and like if I don't say yes to this maybe they won't ask me again or who knows what this like lunch or coffee could turn into but I think I don't know if we talked about this but like four years ago I got a concussion I'm still going through post-concussion symptoms that are triggered by air travel events like this speaking events in-person events like any kind of stressor can set my concussion symptoms off and that forced me to become more rigorous about what I say yes to so now again I kind of have this audit like automatic pause before I say yes to anything even something that I think I'm super excited about it's like quick pause can you work this into your schedule will you have capacity to do this what else is this going to push off your plate and is that acceptable to you what are the things you're going to have to make up when you get back home and then once I think about that I either say yes or no and if I say no it's because again I know I'm serving future me I can be disappointed but I can also be happy that I've checked in with my own needs so that I think I've really dialed in on the last couple years and I think it's made a big difference in My overall capacity wow yeah what boundary are you to set for yourself next year that you haven't done yet not a New Year's resolution person I tend to just take on these like self-improvement things as I Stumble yeah like I started my cold shower experiment like in February two years ago just randomly um so I'm not a New Year's resolution person and there is no one-size-fits-all for boundaries I won't know what my needs are next year until I get to next year and then I'm in the moment and I go you know my context has changed my capacity has changed my goals have changed do I still I'm always reevaluating my boundary do I still need a boundary here and if so is this the boundary that I need because they should be flexible and I shouldn't keep a limit in place that no longer serves me yeah so so I don't know maybe next year what do you see since you've been uh working through this book for a while now you've heard a lot of conversations from people single in relationships family challenges different things what do you see that Society needs in general to create better and healthier boundaries around Welcome to My Favorite Ted Talk it's just with social media with work with you know all the the political stuff just what what do people need in general moving into next year you think I mean we need honestly so much of the root of why boundaries feels like such an icky subject to so many people and I'm I will say especially women especially moms is because we have been conditioned by the patriarchy and stereotypically rigid gender roles and toxic masculinity which comes from the patriarchy and religious influences and diet culture and Trauma and the media we've been conditioned for my entire life and even going back further than that to not have needs to not have needs to be selfless especially as a mom we are praised the most when we are putting everyone else's needs and feelings and wants and desires above our own like we're not even on our own list and if we're on the list we're at the very bottom and then when we do have a need and we speak it we either hint about it because we've been told we can't be direct and then we're disappointed that people aren't reading our minds or we're direct about it and we're told that we're selfish or we're called a or any of those other monikers so we have been conditioned to not have boundaries societally and I think there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do around what it means to have needs and to have those needs feel worthy and the fact that like you of you know your own volition are valuable enough to advocate for those needs and then to remember that we have the power to advocate for those needs in a way that doesn't involve the other person if I set a boundary with you it can't be dependent on what you choose to do the boundary I set has to depend on me the actions that I am willing to take in our relationship to keep myself safe and healthy give me an example around that um I we're in a convert we're in an argument and it starts to get really really heated and I say to you please don't speak to me like that it's really making me feel unsafe I don't like it when you use those words it's getting personal and we're not focusing on the subject at hand and you are really mad and really triggered and you kind of keep going with that right I can't depend on you to change your communication style the only thing I can do is say I won't stay in this argument if this is how we're going to continue to talk about it I'm going to take a 10 minute break after 10 minutes I'll come back to see if you're ready so I can't depend on you if I go to my family's house and they're talking about politics and we don't agree with politics I can say could we change the subject please and if they say no then I have to enact my boundary which is okay I'm going to go for a walk yeah remove yourself I'm gonna leave the table yeah so all of that is there we have a lot of unlearning to you about what it means to have needs and to advocate for those needs and to speak clearly and what that means as a woman to speak clearly and directly versus what historically it's meant for a man to speak clearly and directly right a man says it and he's decisive a woman says it and she's aggressive there's a lot of unlearning that we all have to do I think before we can get to the point where we don't automatically think of boundaries as selfish or controlling or manipulative what I'm hearing you say is the boundary doesn't rely on another person's reaction it relies or if they agree to it or not it relies on you yes removing yourself in a conscious way from the situation yes independent of how they show up correct now I'm initially going to phrase most of my boundaries as a request yes right because you didn't know I had a limit so I'm going to say to you hey um I need I could use a half hour of alone time would you mind if I go in my room or you know would you mind taking the dog for a walk or something right and if you say no then my boundary is to remove myself so I think that's another common misconception is that you know boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do or controlling other people I may phrase my request in that way as an invitation to meet me in my limit but I always have a backup plan how does someone get someone to trust them or is it not about them at that stage and it's about the other person and their insecurities well it depends very much on the particulars of the situation um you know so I don't know if there's a generic answer to that I think that you can establish the ground rules explicitly you know and have a discussion about it are we going to lie to each other or not are we going to tell each other the truth to the degree that we can to make that an actual goal and to talk through the consequences of doing that and not doing it and then I would also say whenever a hiccup occurs in the relationship maybe you don't call it out at each hiccup you know because you have to have a certain amount of Silent tolerance in any relationship to let small infractions go but if they repeat my rule is three times and it's the rule that we I share with my wife if something happens three times that is causing emotional upset anger jealousy disappointment resentment frustration any of those things anything that you don't want to experience and that you especially don't want to experience repeatedly then you can call it out and and if you if you have three examples your case is much better made than if you just have one and I would also say that when you call it out you know you could say look we're at a party the other night and you were it looked to me I felt as if you were paying too much intense intent attention to um Dave there is flirting going on there that's what it looked like to me there was some flirting going on there and you know I that made me uncomfortable well you don't say well you were flirting stop doing it you say well this is how it looked this is what it looked like to me and here was my response and then you want to think and maybe I'm a damn fool and blind and jealous and stupid and I'm misinterpreting or maybe it was a harmless flirtation of the sort that people will engage in because it adds a little bit of spice to a social interaction you want to find out like it it's really convenient if it's the other person's fault except that you're Laden with living with that person so it really doesn't help you anyways but it's convenient because then they have to change but you've got to think about this over the long run you're going to be interacting with this person on a minute by minute basis for decades um if you're the idiot and that's causing trouble then you should find out so you want to say well look this is what I saw what's your explanation of what's going on and then they'll offer you their Viewpoint and hopefully they'll do the same thing they'll think well this is my intent and maybe they have to go think about it but this is my intent and this is what I saw and I think you're being over sensitive um in that situation and you peel back the explanations layer by layer until you both agree on what happened and more importantly on what you're going to do about it in the future and that's really hard and especially if there is something going on that's not straight because that will require quite a bit of digging it'll probably result in anger and tears and to fight and that's very unpleasant it's it's easier in the short term to avoid that but hopefully the consequence of that is you don't have to have that fight again right you have to come to a negotiated agreement about about that situation and you have to pay attention to your own uncomfortable negative emotions in order to manage that and not and not pretend that everything's all right or that you're nicer than you are or that you're less jealous than you are or or or less blind or see one of the things I learned from Carl Jung the psychoanalyst about marriage was that there is a reason marriage was a vow like The Vow is that you stick together okay so now imagine that's a vowel okay you do not get to leave period okay so what does that mean well on the upside it means that you don't have to be alone it means that your family will have continuity over decades it means that The Narrative of your life won't be fragmented and broken by divorce or sequential divorce it means that your children can grow up and maybe have their children within a continuing family um it means that your children will be able to maintain relationships with the grandparents on both sides and the cousins like it's a big deal to maintain that there's huge advantages in it it means that you'll have someone there when you're not well and so will your partner um and it'll means that you have someone to share all of the positive things of life with so there's huge advantages to it okay so why does it have to be a vow well I don't think you can tell the truth to someone who can run away because if you tell the truth to someone and they can run away then they'll run away right right because you're a mess man and not not just because of your own inadequacies but because human beings are so complicated and and have such dark corners and and have had you know unresolved problems in their life sometimes that stem back generations and are twisted and bent in all sorts of ways and you you can't re it's very very difficult to reveal that accept to someone who can't run away now that that you know I'm not saying that people should never separate I I am saying though that it's better not to if you can manage it but then the other thing too is if you can't run away then you're motivated in a different way it's like I'm stuck with this woman and she's stuck with me and unless we want to have this same goddamn fight over and over and over for the next who knows how long why don't we straighten it out and then we can put it behind us see that the vowel gives you a kind of desperation that is another motivation to actually solve the problems and if you've gone a way out you you can always stay hidden you can guard yourself you can protect yourself and even protect that part of yourself that thinks that it can leave if things get too bad now the problem with that in my estimation is is that you're going to drag your stupidity into the next relationship right always do right well generally speaking right and so now you can get very you can you can in under unfortunate circumstances you can get tangled up with someone who's not playing a straight game with you and won't and and it's just impossible but I'm not talking about the limit cases you know I'm talking about the average case the average amount of unhappiness and trouble it's still plenty and then the uh sorry just one more thing I'd add to that you also have to in some sense shake the illusion that the other person is somehow not you you're so tied up with them that um there's no difference between you and them in some sense is that what's good for her is going to be good for you and vice versa one of the things we try to do too the two of us is we try to say yes to each other now there's rules that go along with that which is well I'm going to say yes to you but that sort of means that you shouldn't ask me unreasonable you shouldn't make unreasonable demands I'll say yes as much as I possibly can and then you'll do that and re return and then we get yes out of the deal instead of no that's also a huge plus think of all the amazing things in life that are expressions of just you for instance the song You Stream over and over again while you're in your 13th Hour of gaming at 4am in the morning with all the lights off trying not to wake up your roommates or the recommendations that you share with your friends on the top six comedy podcasts that are the best to listen to on your way to the gym and back or even your new haircuts which may or may not be an epic bowl cut from the 90s and hopefully is everything that makes you you makes all the difference State Farm believes Insurance should work the same way your plan your coverage they need to be personalized to you and the ability to choose the plan you want by picking the options that fit you like building your home and auto policies is exactly what the State Farm personal price plan is all about getting the coverage you want at an affordable price just for you so are you ready to make things personal call or go to State Farm dot com today to create your steep Farm personal price plan prices vary by state options selected by customer availability and eligibility may vary the absence of love and belonging there's always suffering so when I hear about your experiences growing up that's suffering yeah that's real suffering and for me not making the drill team when I was I think it was in eighth grade by itself is not a lot but how my family responded to it it was like when things changed for me and I didn't feel like I belonged to my family anymore so I think that I still am trying to figure it out I don't know I don't know that I've entered I don't know that I've interviewed anyone even spiritual leaders who have the belonging thing completely nailed because I don't think it is what we think it is you know I don't think that it's having a big Posse of friends or having a crew or rolling with a bunch of people I think I'm still trying to figure it out because I still feel lonely and alone and on the outside of things on a really regular basis really I mean you're going on a book tour with thousands of people yeah 15 City Tour yeah millions of fans around the world and you still feel alone yeah I can feel really lonely and it's really hard because you know you talk about that book tour I'm a severely introverted yes super private and so I love that connection between me and an audience but it can also be hard on me and also I'm talking about things that no one it's weird to me that people sign up to talk about them but they're hard topics sometimes and we laugh and we have fun and we'll sing but um I think what I've learned in doing the research on belonging is that belonging is being a part of something bigger than yourself but it's also the courage to stand alone and to belong to yourself Above All Else and so I think I spend a lot of time belonging to myself and sometimes that makes other people uncomfortable and so I think that's hard I think I do feel I'm always looking for I don't know about you but I'm always looking for the road map like I want to find the researcher storyteller Christian lover of all people fighter of the resistance I want to find the blueprint of who's ahead of me believing what I believe in and doing it really well but there's not really a blueprint sometimes so you know like I'm trying to figure it out yeah we're all trying to figure it out I don't get to copy anybody and so it's hard yeah it's still hard but here's a thing that has changed everything for me I belong to me so even when I feel alone and I wonder like who's my crew and who are my people um I belong to me for sure for the first time in my life maybe yeah and I think we lose ourselves sometimes by trying to belong in groups that we don't fit in yeah you know I remember being in you know the youngest on these sports teams growing up I was playing on the junior varsity as a freshman or the varsity or whatever so I was the youngest and I remember just wanting to fit in just like you did in the uh that team and I wanted to fit in I wanted to feel like they liked me like I mattered yeah like I was a cool kid or whatever and when they would do things that I didn't really agree with or they would bully other kids or make fun of people it's like I didn't want to not say anything you know I didn't want to stand against him because I wanted to belong yeah so if I did stand up against them then that means I was alone and that was my biggest fear was being alone no yeah because that's what that's what teams and groups deliver they deliver this thing that you're not alone yeah the problem is there's just I was so shocked to learn in the research that the opposite of belonging is fitting in because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking who do I need to be what do I need to say what do I need to wear how do I need to act and changing who you are and true belonging never asks us to change who we are it demands that we be who we are because if we if we believe if we fit in because how we've changed ourselves that's not belonging that's not belonging because you betrayed yourself for other people and that's not sustainable yeah you start to Lose Yourself you start to Lose Yourself exactly what you said and so I think it's hard you have to show up as Who You Are how do we find out who we are that's the life's work right that's freaking hard um do you know who you are uh yeah I do who are you uh in what way if if someone just said who are you brene what would you say uh uh Renee Brown [Music] um mom partner researcher Storyteller Texan I don't know I asked him how much time they have because you know the thing is that we want to when we ask people who they are and we want to know we'd like those really easy files to put them in of course but I'm a complicated person are you yeah and so I think I know who I am what makes you complicated I don't know if I'm complicated but I'm complex um you're interesting I hope so yeah some days now very interesting I think what makes me complex is I think what makes everyone complex is the paradoxical nature of people so you know like I speak in public I love doing that but I'm incredibly introverted um I'm kind of a traditionalist around things my kids say yes ma'am no ma'am but I also raise them to challenge authority every time they get the opportunity to do that but to be really polite when they're doing it sure yeah so I think um um I'm unapologetically Earnest like I believe in the goodness of people but I believe it's hard work to stay out of fear and stay good yeah and so I think I understand people I think of a lot of empathy but I'm also not afraid of discomfort so I think there's just a lot of push and pull sure and I think that's true of all of us I do not like to be defined I think that's to you I I was gonna say I feel like my entire life I didn't want to be defined as well they were like you're going to be this jock in college you're going to be like this alcoholic you're going to be in the frats yeah all my siblings said this to me and I was like no I'm not I made a bet with each one of my siblings a hundred dollars each that I want to have one sip of alcohol in college because I was like I'm going to go against everything you think I'm going to be yeah I joined the school of musical because they were like you're just gonna do Sports I sang I play guitar I salsa dance I was like I'm gonna do everything different than what people would expect of a tall white man right that's awesome it's like I want to be different yeah and I think in that process I was like trying to discover who I really was what I liked my dreams what you know what was fun for me yeah as opposed to just trying to fit the box in the mold of everyone else because you can lose yourself in that fitting in I think you can lose yourself in the fitting in and you can lose yourself in the rebuttal to the fitting end it's true trying to go against it also yeah yeah it's really hard I mean it's the thing that it's it's a quote that is braving the Wilderness is all about this starts with this quote from Maya Angelou that you're we're never free until we belong nowhere we belong everywhere which is nowhere which is no place at all which I thought was a terrible quote for many years and I was like why are you saying that Dr Angelo you're pissing me off um but then I realized really the and she says the the cost is high but the reward is great and I think I think that's the thing that I feel like I belong Everywhere I Go no no matter where it is or who I'm with as long as I never betray myself and the minute I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere and that is hard yeah I mean that's a hard practice that's an everyday practice wow yeah because I can I can be whoever you want me to be like that you're like a chameleon you said oh I can be totally like a camellia like sometimes it's really funny because like I always because I travel so much I have all these miles I always sit in business class and I'm normally the only woman in business class um every now and then there's one other maybe which is a conversation we should be having too sure um but it doesn't matter what dude sits next to me like I can talk about whatever that person like and it's so funny because we'll talk about sports usually first or football or we'll talk about politics and he'll say what do you do um study vulnerability and shame oh well huh well I'm gonna play some Angry Birds uh you know and right that moment like I could just and it's it's not that I know everything about everything it's just so you're saying most men don't want to chime in and learn more about them yeah that's usually if I want to go to sleep I'm like why would you I'm a shoe Searcher what do you do you'd be like okay but I think I can be anything like yeah you're adaptable I'm adaptable and adaptable is great because because anyone that comes to my home or here to work I can make you feel comfortable of course but then if I get so adaptable that my goal my intention of adapting is to make sure you like me then that's when I betray myself yeah yeah what would you say is the time in your life you've been the most alone High School it's the whole journey yeah it just sucked it does suck it does and you know my daughter just graduated from high school and she had this amazing experience you know just just incredible experience and um it was so healing to watch oh that's nice yeah and I think it happened because she I think she had the confidence to put herself out there and you know student council president and the you know that kind I think because we have a rule at our house that no matter what you belong here no matter how goofy awkward afraid wrong it doesn't matter you belong here and so I think when we give our kids a platform like that at home it gives them the courage to take risks outside of home does that make sense because they feel safe coming back no matter what happens they always have a place to come home to yeah and I grew up in a house where it was very chaotic I'm the oldest of four and fitting in and being cool was the most important thing so I think without that pressure I probably would have never tried out for that drill team um but in in my in my world growing up you only did two things you were a cheerleader or you were on the drill team and preferably you married a running back or a quarterback I mean that was the way it went um and so for me I probably would have been like president of the French Club you know I would have been in debate or those kind of things oh for sure yeah yeah photographer the yearbook yeah um but those things did not have a lot of value really no no parents didn't instill that as something credible or worthwhile no it's just I cool was the number one value at home cool lots of friends popular yeah and that just wasn't my I wasn't that thing you know I was yeah I was and so what I did is I just started drinking smoking weed hanging out with you know I found I found a place to be you know cool and yeah that just goes bad fast yeah yeah have you ever had a conversation with your parents about this oh yeah we've talked about all of it yeah yeah you've let it go you've processed it all oh yeah because they you know they read my books as I write them and they're you know they're like this is exactly what every parent wants a child who grows up to be a shame researcher um but no they just that's the miracle of my parents like my parents they've taught me the best thing about parenting that anyone I think could ever know which is it doesn't end when your kids leave like they keep growing and exploring and um learning you know and however hard it was for me not being able to be yeah we did not do vulnerability growing up really no no no like yeah like our family motto was literally Lock and Load like get ready you know family trips you're in the car for five hours that's all six of us you really have to go to the bathroom but the rest stop is on the other side of the highway we're not pulling over like suck it up hold up like we were tough we were tough like we'd fall down and get hurt you know my dad would say like I got bigger scratches than that of my eyeball you know like yeah like we were tough and so and we were and we were taught to outrun vulnerability we were taught to suck it up Soldier on get her done yeah and so however hard that was for me growing up imagine what it was like for my parents in the 50s you know my dad who was the youngest of six his dad died when he was 16. you know um was he able to process that or no no he just did the next thing you do played football played college ball yeah um my mom who's my grandmother who I named my daughter after was an alcoholic and she was drunk every other day of my mom's life but she was the most amazing person in the world but everyone knew she was an alcoholic so my mom wasn't allowed to have friends at our at her house growing up because it was the 50s and she was divorced you know and so my mom became the head of the drill team and the the you know the valedictorian and and so however hard it was for me growing up having to try to outrun vulnerability it was a million times harder on my parents and they didn't they did what they knew how to do and they loved us as much as they could love us with the tools they had and so I don't have I think the hard part comes from people that I've interviewed my whole life where the parents don't grow and change and they see anything a child trying to do differently as criticism of what they did as opposed to my parents who lean in and say tell me more about that until I have a funny story or hear a funny story about my dad yeah it's great so we do a lot of choice Theory with my daughter and my son and so Choice my husband's a pediatrician so like we you know a lot about Child Development from our just from school right and so when Ellen was little we used to do this thing where we would say um you know you have two choices like Louis you have two choices you can either hand me the water I'm gonna have to take it from you what is your choice so that if you decide not to hand it to me and I have to take it and so one one night I was talking to Eleanor we were my dad's house in San Antonio and I was like how Ellie you need to turn off Dora the Explorer it's time to go to bed and she's like um and I said Ellen you have two choices you can get up and turn off the TV or I'm going to get it up and turn off for you and if I have to get up and you know turn off the TV you're going to lose privileges to watch it tomorrow and that's your choice that's your choice so do you know and I would hate that for you but that will be your choice and my dad was sitting in the recliner next to her and he's like ah damn sis what are you raising a hostage negotiator I was like Dad and he's like seriously Renee we had four of y'all we didn't have time for that yeah so the next day I come home I'm visiting friends in San Antonio and he's watching Ellen and he's in the driveway it's like 110 degrees in San Antonio and he's sweating he's like Ellen you have two choices you could either put the bicycle up or I'm gonna have to put it up for you and the second one's a dumbass choice so I was like wow you're so you're so close you're getting there but you're getting there my parents are amazing in that way that like they're learning and changing so I think it's harder when parents say I'm done what you got was what you got no apologies no change take it or leave it and if you do it differently with your own kids you're a sucker what are the challenges that come up over and over that you see there's always three questions right what's a driving relationship a thriving one yeah what can go wrong and how do you fix it okay so you started with the middle question [Music] I think there's a number of things in a relationship that that uh that become the the kind of uh cornerstones of the demise okay and I'm not going to list them in order but they all are part of each other um indifference and contempt and neglect and violence are probably the four most important okay I'm not talking about big violence microaggressions are plenty indifference when you start to feel like the other person fundamentally is not really caring about you anymore or you don't care about them what they feel what they think who they are what they're about they don't care you've lost interest but it's more than losing of interest it's also when you are doing different you degrade the other person they're less important to you they don't matter and ultimately what we feel in relationships is that we matter that is the essential reason for connecting to people is that we are creatures of meaning I matter to you I'm someone you care about me you want my mail you want my well-being you're proud of me you you want good for me you're benevolent all of that when you are indifferent that whole thing goes and then you start this that coldness that Creeps in that sense of estrangement that complete disconnect that the second one is neglect neglect when people just basically take each other for granted you know they take more care of their car than of their partner their dog or their dog anybody anything their yard anything anything gets attendance business their business for sure their business for sure you know everything gets priority everything gets reviewed evaluated attended two 360s you name it you know new input in my God it's like people have this idea that they put it all in when they were dating and then once they seal the knot it's like as if they tie the knot it's like now they don't have to do squat anymore and they go into this kind of complete sense of complacency and laziness it's an amazing thing they think this thing is just going to live on its own right like a cactus right violence violence the abuse the level of of disrespect I mean most people talk nicer to anybody else than their partner when a relationship because you can't get away with it because you can't get away with it because if you talk like this at work you're gone because if you talk like this with the police you're gone because if you talk like this on the street you're being punched but with your partner you have that sense that they're going to be there anyway they're just gonna take it because it's family and family is this kind of this thing that doesn't dissolve so easily so you can just lash out at them and talk to them with a tone and a dismissal that is phenomenal so that kind of violence I'm not talking physical violence and all the other big big things you're talking about aggression or resentment or all of that yeah all of that you know passive aggressiveness yeah all of that and then and then um contempt I think is the top one the contempt is the killer of them all because in in the contempt there is a real there's the degradation of the race is that that complete this you're nothing you're nothing I can kill you with that one gaze that one eyebrow that goes up you know stuff do you who do you think you are what are and that's it you you done you're done so how do we even get to this place of these these places after having been so in love and so romantic right his desire uh reflect that or if we're not Desiring the person anymore then we start to feel one of those categories or does that not play into uh look the truth is this there's only two relationships that resemble each other the one you have with your parents or the people who raise you and the one you have with the people you fall in love with people can sit in my office all the time and say I have this with no one else I don't have this with anybody at work nobody among my friends ever thinks like that you're the only one who speaks like this or thinks this about me or with whom I do this no you're the only one and now we go back in history and I'm sorry to be the psychologist but that's really right it is the place where we often learned about closeness trust loyalty commitment sharing taking receiving asking all these essential verbs of relationships we learn that at home we also learned jealousy and possessiveness Vengeance you name them the Beauty and the not Beauty yeah we saw it all as children right we saw the fights we saw the love we saw the you know we saw the coldness we lack of intimacy the intimacy yes yes and we bring that with us and we often promise ourselves I'll never be this one I'll never be this way I'll never talk like this I'll you know and we find ourselves often much closer to the apple and then resenting ourselves to the tree we resent ourselves we're like how do we do that well why do we get to this place and then we feel ashamed about it and since we don't like to feel ashamed about it we hide it and one of the way we hide it is we blame am the partner that's just one of the ways there's a lot we are very resourceful in not owning our right exactly exactly wow okay um and where does sex play into all this and desire so I mean the one of the fascinating things for me in looking at sexuality is that it's probably one of the dimensions of relationship that has changed the most in a very very short amount of time for most of history and in still the majority of the world sex is for procreation sex is a marital Duty on the part of the woman nobody cares particularly if she likes it and how she feels and if she wants it and um and men have the privilege to go and find sex elsewhere in a very short amount of time we're talking 60 years we have contraception which is the liberation of women for the first time to free sex from reproduction from mortality from Death in pregnancy and in childbirth sorry all of that and for the first time sexuality moves from just biology and a condition to a part of our identity and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years the women's movement which goes after the abuses of power the gay movement which introduces the concept of identity to sexuality the fact that sex is for connection and pleasure the fact that for the first time we have sex before marriage and many times a lot we used to marry and have sex for the first time now we marry and we stop having sex with others okay monogamy used to be one person for life now monogamy is one person at a time and people go around telling you I'm in all my relationships and it makes perfect sense okay all of that in a very short amount of time the fact that I choose you to marry or to live together doesn't matter commitment because I'm attracted to you because you give me butterflies in my stomach and the fact that I think that if I don't have these butterflies anymore maybe I don't love you anymore and the fact that sexuality in long-term relationships is rooted in wanting only desire I feel like it I want to not I have to not we want many kids after two kids the only reason to continue doing it with you is because we feel like it it's pleasurable we connect it feels good it runs up the whole thing that's it and hopefully it's at the same time and for each other because plenty of Desire continues but it's not always at home right exactly so this is an amazing Revolution sex that is confusing all of us and how do we sustain it so that's why I became fascinated in the nature of erotic desire and how do we sustain desire because it is the first time ever that we have a grand experiment of the humankind where we want sex with one person in the Long Haul that is fun and connected and intimate and playful and we nift twice as long go figure right exactly for 60 years you're going to be with them whatever it is yeah it's an amazing ideal so how do we navigate this if we're going to choose one partner and be with them until you know we're both gone how do we navigate The Challenge of keeping the desire continuously I think the men and women yeah because the woman probably sees other men who are attracted to her and you know vice versa so it's like how do both parties do this look we know that women get bored with monogamy much sooner than men wow this is a factor is this research okay that's not just fact that's that is man's desire in long-term relationship goes down gradually he actually is much more able to remain interested and maybe just because he's interested in the experience itself and he has a partner there women's desire post marriage wow and it's always been translated as well that's because women care less about sex rather than it's because women care less about the sex that they can have in their committed relationships which is often not interesting enough for them and it often has to do with the fact that the story The Character the plot is not in is not seductive the romance which is an essential ingredient of turn on for the woman often disappears in the long-term relationship it's like people look at each other at the end of the day and you want to fool around you want to do it you're up for it tonight now this is really not this is not very much of a turn on for most women and the idea that foreplay often starts at the end of the previous orgasm you know and not five minutes before the real thing right which for her is not the real thing the whole the real thing is everything else so it's essentially the game yes it's creating a game seduction it's a plot it's a coming close it's a team history it's what animals call pacing it's that I come to you but I don't overwhelm you I come just a little bit so that you can come a little bit toward me and then I don't immediately answer I actually go back a little bit too have you ever seen animals they do this kind of spacing and it is an essential playful ingredient of Seduction and an excitement so women's desire plummets but we interpret it as women are less interested in sex rather than women are interested in probably just about the same kind of things that many men are but women have always known what to choose above what turns them on which was what gives them stability and security security family right someone to protect be there right so what people do look this is we want one partner today to give us everything that involves stability and security and everything that involves playfulness and mystery okay that's the grand idea okay I want to be cozy with you and I want to have an edge and I want you to surprise me and I want you to be familiar and I want you to give me continuity and I want you to give me novelty that's it as if it's uh right and no Victoria's Secret is gonna solve that yeah right so then there becomes what is desire desire is to own the wanting if you ask people a question that goes like this I turn myself off when I turn myself off by not you turn me off when and what turns me off is you're gonna hear I turn myself off when I do emails when I spend too much time on the phone when I overeat when I don't exercise when I have bad bad days at work when I don't feel confident when I numb myself when I feel dead when I don't feel thriving when I'm not alive you will really hear that it has very little to do with sex and when you ask people I turn myself on when or buy I awaken my desires not you turn me on when and what turns me on is which is are you responsible for my wanting right what people will talk to you about is when I'm in nature when I'm connected with my friends when I get to do my sports when I play music when I listen to music it's stuff that gives me pleasure that is alive that is vibrant that is vital that is erotic in the full sense of the word as life force and from that place people remain interested in having sex with somebody else for the Long Haul it's not because they've scratched their arms for two seconds right right it's I feel good about myself the biggest turn on is confidence right confidence you ask people when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner that every description has to do with when they're in their element when they're on stage when they're with when when when they're doing their sport when they when they are radiant when they are in their Studio on the piano on the horse you name it it's when they are in their element I.E they don't need me to take care of them they're not depressed and down immediately and sad they're not needy they don't need me because desire is about wanting you love is also about needing you caretaking is a very powerful experience in love and it is a very powerful anti-afrodisiac so how do you experience Love and Desire at the same time you calibrate it so sometimes you're it's the same as when you walk you have to move from one foot to the other a balance is not about staying on one side a balance is the ability to see right now we don't need caretaking we can be mischievous we can be naughty we can be playful we can break our own rules we can stay home and not go to work at eight o'clock right and now we are in a playful zone now we are feeling that we are bringing our own little transgressions home we are alive we're not just being dutiful responsible good citizens right it's that it's very small you know when I always think when I go and I see people at lunch and you see them talking and they're well dressed and they're awake and all as in who is here with their partner because you can see them they're engaged they're giving the best of themselves that's erotic no the majority are not there with their partner they're there with their friends with their colleagues their partner is going to get the leftover when they come home at night sorry you know what forget the night date meet at lunch when you actually have energy you know when you and and in the middle of the day like that when you're awake when you have something to offer it's a very small thing but they don't do it they don't do it and you say why not why not why don't you stay an hour extra at home in the morning and not just because when you have a headache and just say this matters to me all in all you know committed sex is premeditated sex it's not just gonna happen because whatever is gonna just happen already has so you're gonna make it happen because you say we matter we're important let's do this let's spend doesn't mean if you're gonna make love or have it just means we're going to take this hour and there's nothing else that matters in this moment but just you and I to be together to check in and then we'll see what unfolds that's the erratic space in which sex may happen probably will doesn't have to but it is the place from which it is much more likely to emerge but people don't do that they do the responsibility that's the love right the citizen the commitment the caretaking the burdens the safe and then they say I'm bored I would be too exactly there's no mystery there's no risk-taking right exactly yeah there's no risk-taking that's the word if you want desire it's risk and the risk is an emotional risk it's not about sexy risks it's really a risk on the emotional front is that I bring something else to you differently from um differently from from the way I typically present myself sure you know how can I do this something what can I do today that will be different from the ways that I've done it until now how can I do something that I think would actually improve our relationship me right not something that I want or that you want but that I think would be actually good for us that third entity the US right and you check every time you know how often do you just go on the tried and trodden as in you know it works sex that just works for most people is really not interesting enough right so because what does it mean it works generally right what what about the people listening to her saying man that sounds like a lot of work that every day you have to change do something different and unique and be not every day not every day not every day but what you can do every day is just a quick check with yourself you know is there something that I should notice is there something that I can be thankful for is there a little note that I could write is there are you know just a way that I can show up a time it's small it's really small um here's the thing there is work and then there is the creative work you know I'm talking about a level that is creative and that elevates you and that actually gives you you feel you feel taller you just feel like you're engaged you feel awake rather than this this is the other seated position it's comfortable it's great but nothing happens here sure this this is alert here is the essential word is curiosity when you're curious you lean forward and you watch you're open to the mysteries of life this is please don't bother me with anything because I don't want any stimulation I've had my share of it you know and this is the position that most people have at home so when people say it's too much work um I basically say look you you if I was to say this in your business would you say this is too much work or you would say that's very good advice this is high rate Consulting fees it's like excuse me but you don't think for a minute that your business would Thrive if you let it language like that never you have a reward system you have incentives bonuses yes bonuses but there is no incentivized system as in the in the private domain so people just think why bother right and that's the difference is that the ones who have good relationships are the ones who created their own internal incentivism incentivized system what are some of those incentive systems that you've seen over time that really work are effective for long-term relationships I would say the first thing is almost one of the first things that our parents teach you please and thank you do you know how many people stop thanking their Partners thank you thank you for doing this familiar thank you for picking up the shirts thank you for you know making you feel appreciated yes appreciation appreciation is huge gratitude acknowledgment of the presence of the other in your life not did you do this did you call did you pick up do this you know half the time expectations expectations of course you know expectations is often a resentment in the make but the expectation comes the fear of it's not good tank person first of all and because it also makes it feel like this is not a given nobody owes you squat you're not owed anything you're not that important you're actually quite replaceable right and with the divorce rate that we have um what's the rate at right now we do have 50 on First and 65 on second 65 in second wow it's not good right it's really you know it cost a lot of money it's not good for the health I mean it's just like you know it's not good for the jobs it's it's just it's like okay now you could say maybe people shouldn't marry but it doesn't matter if it's marriage legally or the idea is that they can do better we can do better in general I really think that the quality of Our Lives depends on the quality of our relationships I mean nobody's got the right to you know you worked 60 70 80 90 hours a week and you know no they're gonna say he was there for people when they needed to he was there at every game he was there at the party he's the guy who when you were in his presence he had Charisma not because he could stand in front of a huge crowd but he had Charisma because when I was in his presence he made me feel special it's a different Charisma so appreciation gratitude thank you um little things to go out of your way rather than just to do the minimum a lot of people start to do the bare minimum just so that they can't be scolded right go an extra thing um on occasion just do something for the other person just because it matters to them even if you couldn't care less right rather than I I don't it's not important to me I don't I don't need this or I don't care about this uh give each other a lot of individual space not everything needs to be shared people have different passions different interests different friends and they need those separate spaces to exist admiration I think is huge because admiration is also that you kind of really see the otherness of the other person don't try to make your partner into one person for everything there is no such a person find multiple sources of connection of intimacy of friendship so that you can have a group of people support you and don't have one person who has to be there for you for everything especially when you're in the dumpster we used to have a village of people to do that and now we just expect one person to be the village right yes yes yes one person for the whole village that that is that is a unique unique and and then we're upset when they don't fulfill the Mandate do you think one uh a relationship can truly Thrive if one person is developing and working on themselves and processing and learning new skills and the other person is not it's very hard you know because people if I think growth is very important I also think that everyone grows at different speeds and they grow differently so whereas therapy has been very uh impactful for you for someone else it might be something something different right there's many paths doing something doing something right um and I think that people grow at different speeds and I do think that you have to love someone as though they would never change though the funny thing is it's like we want everyone to to sort of to evolve but what it but we have to it's gonna be on their terms right that's why I told her I said listen I'm committed to my own growth I'm going to continue to grow and evolve yes but you've got to accept me where I'm at yes and if you don't accept me where I'm at now that and you want me to change right now into something that's going to make you happy this is not going to or fall in love with potential which is a trap you cannot do that no you cannot do that and also what defines growth how do you know that you're growing you know because some people will say they'll go on like you know a retreat or do Ayahuasca or do something and be like oh my God like all of this you know and the other person's like whoa and then that doesn't mean that the other person is not growing so it's like what really I think growing as a couple is really important that's why I said we've got to do what do you call it coaching or therapy I love that committing to it together I love that individual on our own and then together I love that and and she was like yeah I'm down so she has her own coach that she works with every two weeks for an hour an hour and a half to work on her own stuff individually I do that as well individually and then we do it together I love that and in the beginning from the beginning it's been huge for us oh I think it should be non-negotiable that's why I said I was like yeah for me yes it's not something you want them then find someone else and I'll find someone else or whatever yeah because guess what no matter how much work we do on ourselves we're going to be triggered and that inner child is going to come out screaming and we're going to be like you know a total ass sometimes and you know we're going to have to apologize I mean being in a relationship means that you have to know how to forgive and forgive often because oftentimes we will make mistakes with the person we love and we don't we didn't even realize that we were doing that I mean how many times have you hurt someone's feelings and that was not your intention yeah so many so many yeah so many times so I love you know if more people because the problem is that most people enter couples therapy when it's too late when it's probably not going to work out yeah when there's just too many problems and too many things to unpack I mean yes it can work you know it can help but if you can do this stuff preemptively it's huge anything to prevent resentment and pain and suffering and frustration anything you know to Foster honest conversations you're gonna you're gonna win even if you end up breaking up you're gonna still win because at least it won't be the kind of breakup that destroys you yeah exactly hurtful back and forth yeah and that's true you know what that's trauma oh yeah huge yeah and that'll hold people back from opening their heart in the next relationship hey I see it all the time yeah people are walking around so wounded and so closed what is the most unpopular thing or truth about relationships that most people don't want to know and I'll tell you straight up that every relationship you've ever had had one thing in common and that was you just like every relationship I've ever had as a one one thing in common that's me it's not that all all of them cheat is that you keep cheating you keep choosing cheaters it's not that you know all of them are narcissists it's that you're choosing the narcissist right it's not that um you know all of them are this or that you're choosing them you're part of that and it's such an uncomfortable truth because it you know people don't want to see that in themselves but it is the path to your freedom a hundred percent every every relationship we have ever had has been a mirror and it shows us where sometimes it reflects back to us where we've done a lot of work and it's lovely sometimes it reflects back to us how wonderful we are and oftentimes it in their past if it hasn't worked out it's going to reflect where our self-worth is where our immaturity is where our trauma is every relationship we've ever had will reflect back to us the relationship we have with ourselves period end of story and if you can't if one cannot actually accept that they're just going to keep repeating patterns guaranteed yeah guaranteed if your picker is off and busted because mine was off for years yeah because you know like whatever you're addicted to the chaos or daddy did this or Mommy of course it's familiar and this is this is very real I don't mean to say it cavalierly I mean it's real but then you better you have to recondition yourself to understand what a healthy person is and go for that and become healthy yourself because most toxic relationships of course there are abusive relationships where there is actually a very clear victim and a very clear perpetrator but most of the time what people refer to as toxic which is just an overused term and you know the the current Zeitgeist but when people refer to toxic it's two people with consistent because we get unregulated once in a while that's called being human with consistent unregulated emotional states blaming each other for each other's pain and not taking responsibility you did this to me you made me feel this way what you did hurt me and they're constantly unregular that's that's toxicity now I was when in my 20s in a horrendous relationship talk about chemistry because once once you have chemistry with someone you're screwed you're screwed you feel this chemical connection you're like this feeling it's a wrap and the thing is if you haven't done work on yourself you're going to have that chemical explosion with the one person who's bad for you and oftentimes the person who's the best in bed is the person who's the worst for you and usually they're just you find the sex is amazing with them because there's a danger and they and then there's also a familiarity I mean we can it's like a trauma bondage yeah exactly so I remember in my 20s I was in a relationship with someone for about a year who without question is toxic like there's just right you can feel it you knew it everyone knows it they're like what are you doing with this guy yeah he's treating you this way and everyone knows it it's just it's a fact right but why did you stay then exactly where's the toxicity in me and the low self-worth and all of that because the thing about being in a very unhealthy relationship is two people really bringing out the worst in each other not the best yeah definitely not even close to the best it's to the point where that that when that relationship ends part of getting over that relationship is trying to overcome the shame that you feel for like even going there yeah I was there how long of a life did I have with this person the time and the energy and why would I how could I do this and what was I thinking the shame the guilt right yeah and also just some of the things that you did that that's like how did I did I react this way yeah like that boundary that I do in or like that thing that I said like yeah this is interesting I asked people this sometimes um and I asked my younger self this now I'm like if sex was off the table would I have stayed in certain relationships there's no way yeah zero chance I would have stayed after a year two years of feeling like I'm abandoning myself or getting screamed at every week or whatever I've been like what am I doing this for like yes why would I stay in this thing yes whatever reason that chemical bonds you for a moment and it's so strong and then you're like okay well let's have a few good days and then it goes back into chaos and you're like yeah yeah let's get back to that feeling right 100 but if you took that off the table or if you just waited yes as long as you could absolutely unless you have to wait till marriage but if you wait until you get to experience someone over and over and over again in lots of scenarios and you felt safe and peaceful uh then maybe okay you can start in that sexual interaction but but and you can make out yeah of course I'm just talking about intercourse right yeah but if you took it off the table and you asked yourself would I be in this if we didn't have sex for a year probably you wouldn't yes exactly if I'm not gonna have sex for a year with this person would I put up with this Behavior yeah exactly that would I be yelled at like no exactly yeah I don't need this exactly and people they don't want to wait and I always say build that emotional intimacy first what if the sex is bad you know what you can work on it and when you're making out with them you know anyway you can have some idea if there's a connection yeah if there's if there's you know there's chemistry from a kiss period exactly so you don't have to go there and some I I've heard this a lot lately they're like if someone is boring you should run towards them not away from them you know what I mean if all you know is chaos is chemical chaos right you should run to that's a safer environment it doesn't mean he's the one or she's the one right to be with for you but start looking at people that make you feel comfortable yeah safe yes where you can I tell people all the time who have that pattern of always just dating emotionally unavailable people or people that have been wrong for them and usually what that person doesn't have the the self-esteem necessary to be in a relationship with someone who is going to respect them and love them but I tell them just practice go towards boring exactly go towards that person so that you can have an experience of being in the presence of someone who you could potentially date and you can just be totally yourself 100 yourself yeah no errors no strategizing to get someone to be more interested yeah you can flirt and do all that fun stuff but no strategizing to get someone to be more interested in you just you and that is I mean that's like revolutionary for some people we don't have many templates for healthy relationships and we don't see it much in the media at all it's a lot of chaos and we also many of us don't have Elders anymore either we don't have those people who can support us and guide us or who can remind us how to come back to love

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 20,015

Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation

Id: tGcyuofCbKc

Length: 90min 44sec (5444 seconds)

Published: Wed May 31 2023