How to Set and Achieve Life Goals the Right Way | Mel Robbins

goal setting it sounds simple right you just set a goal then you go after it m goal setting is something that I screwed up for years I was the poster child of making resolutions and of being all talk no walk I was part of the 81% of people that had bailed on my resolutions by the time January 1st rolled around that is until I dug into the research read the books studied the experts and figured out how you set goals and do it right according to what research has to say and I want to talk to you about this today because I am getting an avalanche of questions and messages about setting goals and breaking and making new habits like this one from Dave hey Mel this is Dave I'm wondering if you can talk about goal setting and how they do it right there's a lot of talk about resolutions and goals especially with the new year coming up and in the past I've had a hard time setting them and achieving goals could you give me any tips first I want to say to you Dave thank you for this question because you're not the only one that has a hard time setting and achieving goals and I'm not only going to give you tips today we are going to have a master class in gold setting in fact I am so excited by the number of you that are looking for information about ways to set and Achieve goals this year that I've decided we're going to do something a little different for the next month or so you and I are going to dig into the most foundational and important building blocks that you need in order to create lasting change in your life these are the topics that I have been researching and teaching around the world these are the topics that I write about in my books and in our audio projects with audible this is what I have been studying for years and so here's what we're going to do and I am so excited about this for at least the next month all of the coming episodes are going to be master classes toolkits 101s on the most important topics when it comes to personal development success happiness creating a better life today we're going to dive into goal setting but then we're going to jump right into habits mindset anxiety relationships mental health healing your nervous system and Trauma confidence boundaries happiness meaning and purpose why well because these are the foundational pillars to create a better life and when you understand these topics and the latest research most importantly you have simple tools that you can apply immediately to your own life that's a GameChanger and so that's what we're going to be doing in every single episode why well change is always going to be hard always I'm not going to lie to you about that but Neuroscience academic research and other people's personal experiences can provide unbelievable insights into how when and why Behavior change efforts on your part can succeed or fail and I want you to have all of this and be able to use it to your advantage I already mentioned that 81% of people give up on their goals will guess what that's not going to be you because you my friend are going to have the science the tools the strategies the shortcuts to not only making change happen but making it stick and so this awesome series that we are programming and bringing to life for you is going to begin today with the topic of goal setting because one of the things that I know based on the research is that no change will last in your life if it's not personally connected to you and no goal will be achieved if you don't have a connection to why you want to achieve it and so I figured if we're going to do a big series that's going to give you the foundational aspect and most recent research around changing your life we better start with an episode where you identify personal relevant and achievable goals that you're excited about that way every single other episode that you hear in this series for the next month or so it's going to help you achieve something that really matters to you and the fact is goals matter according to the research and you probably have experienced this when you have been working on goals goals matter because number one they make you happier number two they suppress negative emotions and in fact based on some groundbreaking research out of the University of Wisconsin having goals that you're working on can even suppress feelings of fear and depression I mean that's pretty cool third goals give you a sense of purpose meaning and being up to something in fact I just had a conversation with our daughter Sawyer who was saying that she's kind of in a rud she's like I just feel like my life is the same old same old like every day is the same damn day and it's only gotten worse because she works remote and she's worked remote for over a year and a half since she first interned for the company she works for as a senior in college she's almost never gone into the office no holiday parties no nothing in person every day she sits at her desk at home and works virtually she hangs out with her roommates who she loves but it's like the same thing in and out you want to know what's going to fix this goals because when you have goals it interrupts the day-to-day doldrum it gives you something to look forward to it makes you feel like something cool is happening and that leads me to the fourth benefit life is harder when you have no goals based on the research having goals makes your life feel easier and I think even just that little story I just told you about my daughter feeling like she's in a rut you can see that when you're in a rut life is hard when you feel stuck when things are monotonous it's hard when you got something that excites you something that you're working toward that's pretty awesome and that's why we you and me we are going to start with your goals because they matter and what also matters is how you set them because if you don't set goals the right way based on science you fail before you even start and that was Mel Robins for years so think of this episode as a comprehensive toolkit that will help you make goals that are going to keep you inspired that you can achieve that are going to make you feel excited about the year ahead and what you're up to and I have one promise to share with you you're not only going to learn a lot today by the time this episode is done you're going to have identified between one and three goals and you're going to do it with me side by side as I identify one to three goals for myself and we are also going to apply the latest research every single step of the way and I want to share that up front because I expect your goals to change from the beginning of this episode until the very end because you are going to be applying the research all the way through this episode by the end of our conversation you're not only going to have defined these goals you will have refined them and you will have taken steps toward them how freaking cool is that so make sure you listen all the way to the end because we are going to cover a ton of ground today so let me just preview what you're going to learn today we're going to start by unpacking really exciting research that's pretty recent out of the University of Oregon that simplifies goal setting into two major components of what makes up a goal and if you don't have these two major components present when you set your goals you will fail seeing this study made me realize why I have failed in the past at setting certain goals I'll tell you those stories because I think that they're going to help you but this is really exciting stuff because it's super simple and there's so much research here second as you begin to identify the goals using these two components that we're going to unpack I'm going to walk you through the five mistakes that everybody makes that prevent you from achieving your goals and you're not going to make these mistakes because now that you got your goals identified based on the University of Oregon research we're going to make sure we refine those goals using the five mistakes so that you can avoid the pitfalls that I know I've fallen into and step by step by step we are going to support you I I'm so excited for this episode honestly because I'm going to do this with you and you're also going to learn about a widely reported study regarding whether or not you should talk about your goals this is a study that people cite all over the place that has been debunked and I will tell you the new research related to whether or not you should ever talk about your goals okay cool you ready I got to take a breath because there's a lot we're going to do really really excited about this I love goals and I also love this recent research that I found from Dr Elliot burkman at the University of Oregon now Dr burkeman is the co-director of the center for translational neuroscience and he studies the motivational and cognitive factors that contribute to success or failure at achieving goals I mean he's figured this out for both of us how cool is this and when you hear This research this is kind of one of those studies where you're like well that makes a hell of a lot of sense why did nobody tell me this so first let's start with his definition of a goal okay Dr burkman's definition of a goal is this a goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something let me unpack this this is kind of Illuminating okay so a goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something so I'll give you an example of a goal let's say that this was the year that you're like that's it I'm getting sixpack abs this year if you have a goal of getting six-pack abs you have to do something different that's why it's a goal if you have a goal of getting out of debt for example you have to do something to make that goal happen let me give you an example of what is not a goal watching that series that you're addicted to right now for my family it's gangs of London uh I don't have to do anything different to watch the series gangs of London you see how that's not a goal the reason why it's not a goal is there is zero resistance there is zero change there's zero that I have to do differently goals naturally contain friction and resistance because they require you to do something new now that might sound obvious but if you don't get that a goal is going to require you to push through some kind of resistance you're going to fail at setting them they're going to be way too easy okay so let's start applying this to your life right now I want you to think about an area of your life that you would like to improve or where you want want to set a goal so just stop and think about the coming year what is an area of your life that you want to improve or where you want to make a new goal I have three that I'm going to share with you and one of my goals for the coming year is in the area of free time and hobbies and having fun a second goal of mine is going to impact my health in a positive way and the third is about my mindset and focus and Clarity so I'm going to unpack these and just I invite you to listen along and as I'm explaining my goals think about what you're inspired to change where you're willing to do something different so I'm GNA start with number one hobbies and having more fun I really want to spend more time One goal of mine this year is to spend more time gardening I just love gardening not vegetables I like flowers landscape and I want to make sure a goal of mine this year is that I spend more time gardening that's one goal now a second goal that I have for this year is related to my health and I want to stop drinking for a while this year and I can get into more as we unpack this and go through the research but that's a goal of mine to to really just knock off the booze for a bit and third is about my mindset I want to get back this is a goal of mine to a consistent journaling practice ice every single morning there are things that I do every single morning that have zero resistance I don't even have to think about it I roll out of bed when the alarm rings no resistance I high-five the mirror every morning and set an intention I have no resistance I have a cup of coffee every morning no resistance I typically move my body most mornings no resistance but something that I really want to make a goal of mine is having a consistent journaling practice every single warning that that that would be pretty cool for me so I want you to now stop and think about you what are goals that you have for the coming year that are going to require you to do something different in order to make this goal happen now I want to stop for a second because I want to address something that you may be thinking right now because it's a question I'm seeing a lot hey Mel how do I set my goals if I can't determine what my goals are I absolutely love this question and by the way it's super common to have no idea what you want and I'm going to give you a number of research back strategies that you can use to kind of cut through the uncertainty or the overwhelm or the fog in your brain and identify at least one goal by the end of this podcast that is personal and motivating to you but I also want to talk about something that gets in a lot of people's way other than just not being sure what your goal should be and that's perfectionism if you're the kind of person that is constantly aiming for these crazy high and unattainable goals that's very demotivating because super high goals unattainable goals what happens is you don't achieve those and so you start to feel like a failure and perfectionism can get in your way of setting goals because you start to figure well if you don't set a goal then you can't fail perfectionism according to the research around goal setting looks a lot like this you set goals but then you give up before you start or you want to set goals but you burn all your time just kind of analyzing and analyzing and Analysis paralysis or you also just avoid the situations where you feel like you're going to fail so here's an example you are really wanting to take your health seriously this year and you set a goal of going to the gym every single day and exercising for two hours a day and like you literally fail before you even start because you're trying to get it perfect and we're going to address that don't you worry so whether you're dealing with brain fog or you're dealing with perfectionism this is super common to not really know what your goals are so let's talk about the re search okay these are prompts that are going to help you to relax and to dream a little bit and to lean into goals that are really going to make a difference in your life because I want you to have goals they really matter so number one it's really important that you make sure that your goals are really aligned with your dreams and if you can't come up with any goals that really inspire you this is going to sound counterintuitive but I want to invite you to think even bigger if you allow yourself to start dreaming again then what you and I can do if you can identify the dream is you and I can then use the research to scale that big awesome dream of yours back and turn it into small achievable goals this is based in research and so I invite you if you don't know what you want allow yourself to dream big again and then we'll get into the research about how to make that big dream a small goal now here's a second tip and this one's a little morbid but it tends to work if you don't know where to start think about the end like the real end your death when you think about the fact that at some point this amazing thing called life comes to an end what do you want to have achieved in your life when you think about it in reverse trust me you're not going to wish that you spent more days at work you're going to wish that you spent more time outside or more time with family you're going to wish that you did pick up the guitar you're going to wish that you did take on some of the goals that are buried deep within your heart and so if you truly feel stuck think about your own death research shows that it prompts you to get in touch with what matters to you now you could also if that doesn't float your boat you can also just get quiet and this is based in powerful research basically mindful individuals are way better at setting the right goals for themselves and I personally believe that one of the reasons why is that when you have a mindfulness practice whether it's a meditation practice or heck just get out in the woods for a walk have you noticed that if you ever take a long walk on a beach that by the end of that 30 minute stroll you've worked out a lot of your problems in life because you've gotten quiet if you get quiet you can hear the most important sound in the world and that's your own voice and that matters when it comes to goal setting because the best goals are those goals that are personally relevant meaningful and enjoyable to you now researchers have a term for this they call goals that are personal to you self-concordant goals or want to goals this comes from researchers at Carlton University I like to call these goals personal goals getting in touch with yourself helps you set these kind of concordant goals they are not goals that you feel pressured to do out of obligation I think we've all taken on those goals right where you're like all right everybody's getting in shape oh everybody's doing Whole 30 oh everybody's doing this guess I better do that too those kind of goals don't work because you're not interested in those goals you want goals that are in touch with something personal to you and here's another really interesting little hack that really works you're going to use the third person so using a third person perspective according to research at Cornell can help you identify and Achieve Personal goals better and so now I'm going to turn it back to you again and I want you to use the third person research from Cornell I'm going to use it first and then I do want you to say your goals out loud okay I've already shared my goals but let's let's make these Cornell University style goals okay and let's do the third person Mel would really love to spend more time gardening this year you know it feels kind of funny when you say that it's almost like it's happening now you say it what would you love to do say it in the third person in your name here's another one of mine Mel has a goal to not drink at the beginning of this year it sounds like more authorative it it really you got to try this it's so wacky how this works Mel you know that Mel she would love to get up every day and have a rock solid journaling routine it's weird how that Cornell University works and now it's your turn use the third person take a minute hit pause and say what you you want out loud go ahead it's kind of weird isn't it when you use your own name and look it's okay if it's super General mine are really General did you notice that my goals right now they're just things I kind of want to do I want to journal I want to not drink for a couple months and I want to spend more time gardening but by the time this episode is done you and I are going to refine these General statements these goals using research and so let's dig into this exciting research that I promised to talk about from the University of Oregon so here's the most important thing about goals and I love this study because it boils goals down into two things that have to be present if these two components of a goal are not present you're not doing [ __ ] when it comes to this goal I have experienced this in my life you have experienced this and I can't wait for you to hear this so the two components to achieving any goal is that there must be what researchers call the will and the way the will of any goal refers to the motivational and emotional aspects of the behavior change in other words the why the will is the why of behavior change so let me ask you a couple questions that researchers kind of unpacked in this study that that are going to help you really clarify the why when it comes to the goals that you're thinking about as you and I are talking right now why is the behavior change important to you why do you want to change why now and I'm going to go through these and I'm going to use one of my goals gardening why is the behavior change important to you well it's important to me this goal of spending more time this year gardening because I love gardening and I've talked a lot on this podcast about how I am addicted to being busy and it causes a lot of stress and when I'm out in the garden it's super relaxing it's really creative I love growing flowers from seed I love cutting flowers and bringing them in the second question why do you want to change I want to change because I want to be present more in my life I want to change because I want to get serious about having more fun and being more creative and this third question why now why now why is this a goal now in your life well for me why now is because I just feel called to do it I feel like if I'm ever going to break this addiction to being busy and I'm going to find more time to truly enjoy my life I have to get serious about making that change now like why wait and so I feel called to do it so that's the first part and I want you to ask those questions of yourself for any goal you want to set why is the behavior important to you why do you want to change why now and if you don't have an answer to those questions that goal that you're thinking about will not work because the will to do it the motivation the why it's not going to be there because it's not personal to anything to you now let's talk about the second component okay the second component in the study from the University of Oregon is the way and the way refers to the cognitive and informational aspects of the behavior change I call this the how the way is the how of behavior change and so let me walk you through those questions how is this Behavior change going to unfold what skills and capacities does it require what is the specific plan for doing it and for me the behavior change that's going to unfold is I am going to study how to create a cutting Garden I'm going to build my own like little what are they called like rais bed thingies that you kind of put the thing in I'm going to learn about uh cultivating flowers from seeds what skills and capacities does it require um well a lot for me what is the specific plan uh I'm in the middle of creating the plan and I think you can start to see as you ask yourself these questions about the goal that you have how's this Behavior change going to unfold what skills and capacities does it require what is the specific plan for getting this done I think you can see that if you don't identify the how that change ain't happening because willpower alone motivation alone it's not enough you got to have according to the research both the why and the how in order to be successful at changing behavior and so the takeaway here based in science is that any goal requires two things there must be a will and a way a why and a how and here's why this is really interesting Neuroscience has revealed that your brain system involved in those two sides of the behavior change are entirely different from one another so for example the how you're going to make this goal a reality that's all the brain circuits that are involved in executive functioning including your prefrontal cortex among other areas of the brain the why on the other hand is the dopamine energetic I can't even say it that's why I can't say it's the dopamine reward system within the brain that's the why and you need both you need to tackle the how which is having the knowhow the skills the plan the push and you also got to have the why and the why is what comes into play when you know what to do but you can't do it it's how you hack the motivation and what studies reveal is that this is hard because new behaviors they're rarely as motivating as much as we may love to make a plan and you may love to buy a new journal or I used to love to buy a new planner you know when you buy a new calendar for the new semester and it feels like the new you I just loved the planning part have you ever had that experience where you're all excited to go to the gym you're all excited to try this new routine you're all excited for this new habit and the day one that comes huh no motivation at all I mean it makes sense because why would you want to try that new hit exercise when you know that watching Netflix something you do all the time is way more enjoyable that's why having both is super important you cannot just have the why you want to do it with no plan that doesn't work and you also can't have a plan and have no reason why you want to get a done and when you really stop and think about your goals this way having a why and a how it's what's going to get you excited and if you're somebody that continues to make goals but you constantly give up on them I'm going to tell you something right now those goals are not linked to something that you value to a core belief and the second that you make that link and you make these goals personal holy cow you will be unstoppable so we've covered the two components of goals based on the research at University of Oregon I've asked you to walk through the questions of the why and the how about the goals that you're starting to set and I want to say something right now if you're starting to feel like the things you wrote down in the beginning are not the goals that you want that's great you may change things up completely from the beginning of this episode the middle of the episode and the end of the episode that's the point of this listening to research is not going to change your life applying the research will so please as you're gaining insight and as you're taking this and as you're taking these tools that I'm sharing with you and you're applying them to the way that you're thinking about your own goals for the next year please allow yourself to change please allow yourself to modify the goals because that is going to help you achieve them here's some more dreams of listeners I want to leave my corporate job and start something on my own but I fear failure here's the interesting thing about letting failure stop you the fear of failure what do you feel when you show up at a corporate job every single day that you don't like and you've got this dream buried deep inside you and you know you're not working on it who are you failing you're failing yourself because you're not taking any action on your dreams and and that's sad here's another person talking about fear the fear that's holding me back is taking a risk to change what has become my Norm let me talk to you about getting lulled into what has become just your day-to-day life see that's a form of fear fear can be disguised as sameness I call this the dream Thief this is a really sneaky way that fear sneaks into your life it's why it's so hard to get off the couch it's why it's hard to work out it's why it's hard to leave a job that you've had for 10 years despite the fact that you want more you deserve more you're willing to work for more it's just fear you're used to what you have do not let that lull you into a sleep because what'll happen is decades will go by that's exactly what happened to me every single year when I would write on a list what I wanted in my life hosting a radio show was at the top of it I mean I was a huge Howard Stern fan I'd been listening to Howard Stern since I was in my mid-30s I just love Howard Stern and I would write I want to be a radi host want to be radi host to be a radi host want to be a radi host and then when the podcast Market started oh I want to be a podcast host I want to be a podcast I want to be a podcast host I did the exact same thing I was so used to my current life I kept saying well I don't know how to fit that in I've never done that before who's going to listen to me I don't have anything to say I put all my time and energy into talking myself out of working for what I wanted here's another one I'd like to work in the film industry as a director and writer in Los Angeles but I currently live in Europe and I'm working in marketing okay okay you want to be tortured by your dreams or do you want to work toward them how about signing up for a screenwriting class and a producing class while you're in Europe how about making a plan how about you stop thinking about it and arguing about what you're currently doing and you put your time into energy and energy into figuring out how to do what you'd actually like to do see in life time and energy are your two biggest Commodities and right now your life is like a melting Ice Cube every day that goes by it melts a little bit more and that's why I so want you to start to take this seriously that today be the day that you get started and this not only goes with how you're spending your time right because you can find five 10 15 minutes a day to start chipping away and doing the work to figure out how to make some version of what you want a reality in your life and we know based on the research and based on what you learn on this podcast that simp simply spending time every day working on something that really matters to you is the secret to Bringing more meaning and joy into your life why because when you start to acknowledge Your Dreams by working on them you validate something deep within your soul it's an act of love to do that for yourself you know you've been so busy waiting for somebody else to tell you it's okay to do it that you're missing the real power in pushing yourself through the fear and The Impossible syndrome and the self-doubt see I think we get love all wrong I think we believe that love is something that someone else gives to you that's not true ultimately love is something that you give to yourself it's something that you create and love again is something and love is what you're going to feel when you stop thinking about the things that you want in your life and you step into the physical world of them by beginning the work to make them a reality I'll tell you another dream of mine I really want to write a um Trilogy like a non like a fiction Trilogy I'm not going to tell you that thing because I don't want anyone to steal it but I don't know how to do that and it's been in the back of my mind for a long time and what I know is if I were to Simply sign up for some kind of class even online on fiction fantasy novel writing that would bring my dreams out of the intellectual or the conceptual and into the Physical Realm and that makes it real do I ever have to write the book no simply working on it brings something alive inside of you what you bring to each and every day that you wake up is what you're going to create more and more of and that's the secret everybody talks about habits and how habits like you determine who you are I want to boil it down and make it even more simple where you put your time and energy every single day will Define the life you create and so if you're putting your energy into relationships where you're not getting back what you deserve that is a waste of time a waste of your precious time I might add another listener writes the impostor episode was key for me and I realize I've been filling my time with other things so I don't have to do what I'm afraid of I'm going to come back to this concept of time and energy is the time that you have during the day I'm talking five measly M minutes 10 minutes 15 minutes are you directing it at what you want to create or are you just mindlessly going through the day and through the routine and keeping everything the same the energy that you're putting into relationships are those relationships that are giving you something back in return I am here to tell you you you can change your life by waking up every day being very clear about what you want taking responsibility for creating it day by day by day and slowly redirecting your time and energy toward the things that you want it's just like pointing your car in a New Direction and driving forward and ultimately it takes you somewhere new and that brings me back to why I wanted to talk to you about this because this is really a conversation about love it's not about fear it's about love because love is something you give to yourself it's something that you can create and love is the engine and the fuel that will bring more joy and fulfillment in your life and so how do you start with yourself well and the more that you wake up every day and you direct your time and your energy toward the things that you really want to create in your life and the relationships that give you energy back you will be feeling and creating more love for yourself and you know how I keep talking about the fuel and the fire and the engine well that's love what can drive your life forward is creating Love From Within that's why this matters so much you know I have another listener writing in want to become a surgeon but the process is very complicated well no [ __ ] it is very complicated if you look at the end result but it's not complicated at all if you wake up every day and you ask yourself how can I pour time and energy today in a small way into this thing that I want to create and when you start to get that intentional when you take responsibility for what you want and move moving your life in small ways every single day toward it everything changes and it's not that complicated at all and this final one for a listener I still want to be an actor after all of these years but I'm a coward no you're not you're just a beginner that's all that you are that's all that I am that's all that everybody is when it comes to the things that you've never done the dreams that you haven't begun working on you're not afraid you're not an impostor you're not unworthy you're just a beginner and all that a beginner needs to do is wake up every day and in small ways Point their time and their energy toward working at it and if you do that one of these days you'll wake up maybe it'll be someday soon maybe it'll be a decade from now but you wake up and that dream that you've been writing on your list and moving from one piece of paper to another year after year will stop being a thing that you think about and it will become what your life is centered around because you're the one that woke up and made it happen day by day week by week month by month year by year that's how you get it doneo I told you I told you this was exactly what you needed to hear and here's what I want you to tell me I want you to tell me the one action you're going to take today I want you to flood my inbox and the forms at melrobbins.com SLP podcast with stories of what you did not what you're wishing for or wanting or the self-doubt or the fears make today that someday that you've been waiting for and then tell me what you did so I can cheer for you and celebrate you because you know I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to move from the dream world and the doubt world into the doing world and make what you want a reality and by God you also know I'll be here driving side by side with you on this solo Journey called life cheering for you every single step of the way well how do I get started how do I achieve this okay this has been fun girl but this is a lot like buying a brand new planner for the new school year so now what do I do okay well step number one based on the research the second that you define your goals and we have now defined the goals we are using the research I'm feeling super owered I hope you are too you have to make the first Milestone super super easy because that means it feels like you've already done it okay so we got to make a super simple first step and scientists even have a name for this scientists call this incremental illusion that's what we're using incremental illusion if you make the first few Milestones really easy to achieve you will be more likely to succeed at this goal because nothing and I mean nothing is more motivating than progress and research from the University of Chicago gives us a great example of what I'm talking about okay so you know how you go to a coffee shop and they have these offers where if you buy 10 cups of coffee you get the next coffee free here's a little trick that's pretty interesting that uses this effect this illusion Okay so so they gave one group of people a card that was buy 10 cups of coffee get one free card but it was blank okay they gave another group of people a by 12 cups of coffee and then you get a free card but two of the slots were already checked off progress had already been made it's still the same thing you're still having to do 10 but guess what the folks that were given the card with two slots already filled in they move through that card faster by checking the boxes twice listening to this podcast check you're no longer at square one you've defined your goals uh I can tell you some other things you want to do the smallest step possible Chris gave me a book about dalas this flowers that I love for the holidays check on Diamond box to if you can take the smallest step today can you do a Google search could you spend a little time journaling what's something that you could do you can't think of something no problem I've got something based on the research you could do step number two check box number two tell someone you admire about this goal this debunks decades old research from 2009 from researchers at Yale that said that you shouldn't tell anybody about your goals but here's the hook you need to tell somebody you admire you got to tell the right people about your goals this comes from a set of new studies from Ohio State researchers found that you show greater goal commitment and performance when you tell your goal to someone you admire or whose opinion you value and these results run counter to this widely reported 2009 study from NYU that suggested that telling other people your goal is actually counterproductive and so here's what you can do just tell somebody you admire here's how I'm doing it I'm sharing these goals with you and I'm going to go share these goals with my family and I'm going to share these goals with my friends I'm going to talk to the woman that I met this Summer that is growing dalas and learn from her that's another step this is like us checking off the boxes on that free coffee card and getting you to start seeing yourself making progress and the final thing the second that this episode is over do a tiny thing one step forward this comes from a recent study at the University of Pennsylvania school of medicine that showed that starting right away resulted in the most change do not wait for Monday do not wait for the weekend do not wait until later the most important thing you could do that little box you're going to check is when this podcast is over spend five minutes taking a step now I get to talk about the most life-changing part of all of this you ready the whole reason why goal setting is important is because it creates meaning and purpose in your life and that's the most important part your goals are not really meant to be achieved the most important part is that pursuing something that's why goals matter so much I mean remember the research we talked about in the very beginning those goals that you've defined and refined based on the research having them taking little steps toward them it's going to make you happier it will suppress negative emotions it makes you feel like you're up to something and your life is going to be way more satisfying having those one two or three goals that you're working on on than having no goals at all and there's a reason why I'm going to hammer this idea of pursuing the goal okay first of all I don't want you to try to get this perfect I just want you to try and the second reason why is that when you achieve a goal the irony is it's not as satisfying as you think it's going to be setting goals makes you happy working on goals makes you happy achieving goals does not create or promise lasting happiness yeah it is awesome when you finally get to the top of that mountain you've been climbing you take in the view you catch your breath you sit down on a rock you take a selfie you eat some gorp and then you stand up and you climb back down it's over yeah it's amazing when you pay off your bills you celebrate you feel the burst of Pride and then you go on with life the point and the purpose of achieving and setting goals that are deeply personal that have a will and a why and a how and a way right is because when you have goals you're up to something you're committing to your own growth and you're getting intentional about things that are relevant and important that you want to see yourself doing and we have a tendency to overestimate how happy we're going to be when we achieve the goal and there's even a name for it that's how common this is It's called The Arrival fallacy it's this fallacy that once you lose the weight once you get the job once you find the romance once you reach the destination that then then I'll be in Nirvana then I'll be happy then I no tal Ben Shara the Harvard trained positivity psychology expert he has debunked this thing in study after study after study and all you have to do is look at the number of Olympians or movie stars that we think have achieved at all that then are just plummeting and struggling with mental health illnesses after their greatest achievements and we're like What how could they possibly do they have gold medals they have millions of dollars I got well because they're not working toward anything that matters it was working toward the gold medal working to make that movie going to auditions and pushing through the failure and having this goal that you set for yourself working on it is what gives your life meaning and that's why I wanted to start this series of lifechanging episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast the foundational stuff about how you create a better life with goal setting because goal setting from this point forward must be a part of your life if you want to feel a greater sense of purpose and meaning period and so I want you to come back to this episode I want you to bookmark it I want you to share this with people that you care about if you've got somebody like I do who's a college senior and as they approach graduation and they start to feel like they're about to have a quarter life crisis and they're lost you know what they need they need goals if you have a friend going through divorce you know what they need they need goals if you're bored in Life or feeling stuck or you got to hit the reinvention button you know what you need you need goals and you can relist to this every single quarter at any moment in your life and walk yourself through this very simple but powerful and life-changing research to get very clear about what you want and why you want it and how you're going to go achieve it now speaking about the how you want to know how habits are how you achieve goals systems are how you make it easier and so coming up next in this life-changing series we're going to do a 101 on habits what the science says about habits the three components that make a new habit encode and stick in your brain and we're also going to give you the research back shortcuts that you can use to make new habits stick and to make that change and the new habits that are going to help you achieve your goals easier to implement your life that's what's coming next but for now I want you to remember the definition of a goal a goal is anything that you desire that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something and what I want you to do next is I want you to take one step forward on that goal of yours in fact you know one step you could do share this episode so I promised you an exercise because step one is you have to get honest with your yourself and claim what you want that's step one and so I'm going to tell you that and I want you to think about your dream I want you to think about what's calling you I want you to think about the thing that would be so magical if you could make it happen but you've been arguing against yourself and I want you to allow yourself to claim it and as you sit there and think about the dream in your own life let's go back to Los Angeles let's go back to that stage and let's check in with Barbara because I'm going to ask her to start getting honest and what I want you to pay attention to is I want you to pay attention to how much she starts to joke and make excuses and dismiss how serious I am about dreams Maybe you needed to move to South Florida to actually feel and understand in your soul who you are and what you want it's a scary thing to admit what you want yeah because it's true it might not happen right yeah and it's it's not I've come so close to it happening so many times and it hurts so much it's all so scary there's a part of me is like no don't do that but why is it scary because I don't want to go into debt and I I just I want to like be at least somewhere so I thought well I have this you know but here's what I want you to understand you have not gotten honest with yourself about what you actually want you're putting all the energy into but I don't want to go into debt but I don't want to do this but I don't want to do that so then you do that anyway yes that's the first step honesty and it's very sobering when you get honest because for many of us I mean look at me I spent 11 years making excuses for why I couldn't start a podcast and all those excuses and the dancing around and oh brushing it off and the I'm not really that serious about it it's painful your dream isn't painful like she's talking about how scared she is that the dream's not going to turn out what's actually painful is how much energy you're putting into avoiding what you want and what you deserve and the three big ways that we extinguish that flame inside of us and we put distance between ourselves and the dreams that are meant for us is number one we we literally downplay them anytime you make a joke about your dream anytime you're like I'm not that serious you are putting distance between you and your dream you're taking a bucket of water and you're trying to extinguish the flame inside you anytime you make excuses I don't have the money I can't do it I don't have the time same thing cold bucket of water on that flame stop doing it and the third thing when she really gets honest when you have that moment of Reckoning with yourself and you can claim what you want it's terrifying it really is because you allow yourself to feel desire you allow yourself for just a second to feel possibility just imagine how incredible it would be to do a stadium tour and sing your own songs and when you allow yourself to entertain the fact that that's the dream that's meant for you you allow yourself to stand close to that flame you allow it to burn a little brighter and then we get scared what if it doesn't happen and you convince yourself that you're dream is scary and your dream isn't scary at all your excuses and your fear of it and your joking is what's scary and so how do you keep this dream alive and this is a really important exercise particularly for those of you who say I don't know what I want Mel I don't know what my dream is I have a very simple exercise that I have taught to hundreds of thousands of people it's backed by science and this is an exercise that is going to help you get back in touch with dreaming see I think part of the problem is that we've all gotten into this mode where we don't want to get our expectations up so we put a lid on our own desires we don't allow ourselves to want what we want we don't allow ourselves to be in touch with the things that we really long for and it's the fact that you won't don't even give yourself permission to dream that's also making you feel unworthy and so how are we going to tap back into this dream inside you how are we going to get your desires flowing freely how are we going to get you to start to believe that you're worthy of the things that you long for I'll tell you how it's very simple every single morning you are going to make a cup of coffee or tea and as part of your morning routine you are simply going to write down five dreams a day that's it five dreams a day you are going to make it a habit to claim what you want if only by writing it on a piece of paper and having taught this to hundreds of thousands of people I already know what your questions are going to be are they the same things I write down are they big things are they little things are they things that can happen what are they Mel here's how you're going to do this do not overthink it sit down you have a blank piece of paper and just write down five things you want it could be I want that new Gucci handbag and you might not be able to pay for groceries right now it might be I want my puppy to stop pooping on the living room rug it might be I want to be the number one podcast host in the world it might be I want to do a stadium tour I want to write write a song that helps heal the world I want to have a wonderful relationship with my mom who I currently hate your dreams are yours do not judge them do not shrink them this exercise is about clearing out the blockage and the gunk that has blocked the highway between your heart and your soul and what you will give yourself permission to want and desire in your life your self-doubt your feeling that you're not worthy your excuses your people pleasing it's all blocking your access to this longing to this dream within you and so we got to just get the gears turning we got to get these like kind of the I don't even know what you call it but this is a way to like Grease the gears and get you free flowing why shouldn't you do a stadium tour why shouldn't you have that new Gucci handbag if that's what you want you can certainly do the work to get it why shouldn't you be happy or healthy or heal your cancer these dreams are there for a reason we got to get them out of your head where you bury them with excuses and we got to get them into the world in real time where you can see them on a piece of paper now reason number one why you're going to do this five dreams a day they can be the same dreams they can be different dreams they can be big dreams they can be little dreams they can be thematic they can be specific stuff they can be anything you want we just need to get your dreams and your desires flowing freely without you putting the lid on invalidating or arguing against them so there's a second reason why this exercise is so effective and it has to do with something called the zynic effect now the zynic effect is a extraordinarily well-documented effect in your brain that was first discovered by a Lithuanian psychologist named bluma zarnik and she had her first study published about psychology and this theory in 1927 so this has been around for a long time and what is the zynic effect well the zaric effect is this inside of your brain there is a mental checklist function and whenever something is important to you your brain is like oh ding ding ding I guess she wants to do a stadium tour oh ding ding ding I guess she wants to get her cholesterol down whenever something's important to you your brain takes notice it opens up a mental checklist and then your brain has this really interesting function where it will now work with you to help remind you of this thing that's important to do it's like a little to-do list in your brain and the zaric effect is once your brain knows something is important and it's important if you keep writing it down your brain is going to go to work trying to help you get it done and the zaric effect is so pronounced that it is used everybody in software design yep you know how they talk about gamification you know how you got to film out a form and then all of a sudden a little reminder pops up that likes you're 64% complete well that's the zaric effect that's this mental checklist thing saying you're not done yet you got a little bit more to go and so this is so effective and so again I'm going to summarize this and I'm also going to help you if you go to melrobbins.com dreambig melrobbins.com dreambig I got a free download for you not only are we going to give you some of the key takeaways from this episode but we're going to give you prompts so that you can print out this free sheet and use it every single morning to write down your five dreams to tap into the zynic effect inside your brain to help you keep those dreams alive and to help you start letting your desire and your worthiness flow freely through you okay so we've covered a couple key topics so far your dreams are not a joke they matter you got to claim them this exercise of writing down five things you want every single morning is going to tap into that super highway and it's going to help you build the neurop pathways to give yourself permission to want things it's going to help you tap into this flame in inside you that is burning and is begging for you to let it help you after doing something so extraordinary and you also have made a huge difference in uh women's lives around the world because you are extraordinarily philanthropic $40 million worth of product and monetary donations um to people that are struggling with cancer and what is next for you because you are right now in the middle of figuring out on this next leg of the journey called life what your purpose is and what your next thing is going to be what tools are you using or how are you thinking about it and it's really important topic because so many people particularly after the last three years have had a profound life change thrust on them yes and they're looking ahead at an open road wondering what their purpose is going to be what they're going to do can you just speak to that person for a minute about how you're going about figuring it out yeah so one thing I just want to um remind everyone to M because I think people put so much pressure on themselves that their purpose has to be their job or their next job and a lot of times we can be doing a job that's fine and and and maybe for family reasons we need that health coverage and we need that paycheck and and and your purpose can be found in the things you do outside of that right there's a lot of ways uh to listen to that knowing and your gut and and and then when it feels right you know that's aligned with with who you're born to be and how you're born to um show up in the world and so for me right now um you know there's that famous say just because you can should you right there's a big part of me now with all these you know could I go launch a bunch of businesses yes right um and what I feel drawn to is is is literally because here's the deal yes I've built a billion- Dollar business yes I have other companies I invest in you also are married and you have two beautiful children yes incredibly uh devoted to your family well and here's the thing is like that's all part of my story but when I when I when I look at my real story it meaning the part that ties deeply to my purpose like my real story is a girl who went from not believing in herself to learning how to and so when I wake up in the morning and I think about the things I've done so far the things I hope for my kids for it is is and how I built a billion dollar business it was really through seeing women helping them see themselves and believe in themselves and believe they are worthy and enough and that's what makes like that's what fires me up every morning so when I think about what I'm stepping into next yeah um you know I wrote believe it um which is about my book about how to go from underestimated to Unstoppable donated all the proceeds I'm donating all the proceeds 100% um I funded leadership hold on hold on um let's just underscore that so she writes a New York Times bestseller donates all the proceeds from the book yeah to nonprofits just donates them yeah and the book is just um it's incredible thank you it's like a little manual that you should have on your bedside table because Jamie will be smiling at you yes and you'll see that you're not alone that we're in this together and her example of learning how to go from doubting herself to believing in herself is the journey that each and every one of us is on yeah and so you're kind of in this soup of knowing that this is the area where you want to focus the impact but you're not being a very very very good friend of yours I know that you're not it's still a fuzzy Target so to speak as our friend Dean would say it's a fuzzy Target if somebody kind of has a sense that there's something more but they don't quite have their they haven't had that aha moment yet that you had almost 14 years ago sitting on that television set yeah I'm gonna make makeup and I'm G to bring real women and I'm gonna show my skin and I'm gonna solve this problem I'm gonna make people think that they're beautiful because they are beautiful no matter what they're B and you did it you did it but if you're in the soup and you don't have the vision yet is there an exercise or something that you would recommend that we all do while we're waiting for that Clarity and that Epiphany to strike yeah two things one waiting for it to be perfect can be the lowest vibration big biggest excuse uh number one reason why people just never try and never get started so I don't think I think it's rare to ever have complete Clarity like this is exactly perfect for and that's why you know I think I think uh two things I think just taking a step and seeing how it feels is good tuning into your knowing I also think you know Dean so so so you mentioned our friend Dean who was saying it's the fuzzy Target you know he he was saying something to me recently about you know almost like when you're about to aim a a bow and arrow and you're about to let go of the arrow he's like you can aim and and turn it and twist it a few times before you let go of the arrow it's okay to wait a little bit and just make sure you're going to aim at the right thing um and you know so so this year for example um I've kind of been doing that I've been saying how do things feel you know I have the gift and blessing of being here with you right now how does feels amazing so does this mean you're going to do a talk show maybe maybe you could you could teach me all the ropes M and then umly I am a failed talk show host okay don't even that is true my talk show got cancell why mhm because uh I can tell you why go ahead go ahead well I was going to the lessons from Professor purpose but I'd like to hear you tell me why I think our steps are ordered why I think because you are going to own all of what you're doing and make it so much bigger than anyone else who owned it could have made it so uh by that definition I think you're the most successful talk show host that's the first thing um at least in the podcast but no I love I think it's all going to be the same I think a show is a show you know what I mean the world's changing so rapidly um and and I love too that you can do this show on your terms right you can do it on your terms and that's why it is so huge because it's on your terms well like you and maybe this is one of the reasons why we have become such dear friends in such a short period of time and I often say on the show that I truly believe that the best years of your life and the best friendships that you'll have are on the Ro ahead but a lot of the reason why we connected so profoundly even though we are different in many many ways yeah is that it goes back to the Denny's waitress like at my core I am still the waitress making money waiting tables at the Red Rooster Tavern on Scenic Drive in North msan Michigan same as you stalling because the fryer has now broken and the fried church is not coming out and I'm talking to the tourist from Chicago and I'm treating everybody kindly and I know that all I want to do is impact people's lives that are just got their head down and they don't feel very seen or heard and I want to make them know that they have it within them to tap into this incredible power inside them to create whatever they want in life yes and it starts with believing yes that you can and having somebody like you on who has demonstrated that is really important for people to hear you know on that topic of friendship I love so much that you are the friend that people need to your audience like and and what I mean by that and I'm honored to be the friend for this episode with you to everyone and and what I mean by that Mel is I think you and I love each other for who we authentically are the Denny's waitress the Red Rooster right and we also are friends that that um um help pull each other into who we're becoming yes and I think so often and that's why I love um and your show also as you know of course but I just want to call it out that your show can be this for people who feel like how do I find those friends that pull help pull me into my future because so often the people around us while they might mean really really well and love us dearly pull us into our past or for their own comfort zone want us to stay the person we were or are and it's so important because we're talking about purpose yeah to try and and and add friends to your circle who who truly want the best for you not just what they think is the best for them in you but like want the best for you and you do that for me I do that for you this show your show I know does that for people as well and so um honored to be part of that thank you um I W to just highlight one final thing and that I have was surprise to tell um you listening to us right now yes we have a surprise for you it's really exciting with Professor purpose over here um and I I'm I'm having like a menopause moment where like the drawbridge is open in my brain and now the drawbridge is not closing and connecting the dots on this profound thing that I wanted to say so let me see if I can everything order this hardly hardly but I appreciate you saying that um I think one of the things that I've learned and it took me a long time to learn this is that there is so much success and happiness to go around and when you lift other people up yeah and you reach out for help that um your success comes faster and it's richer yes both emotionally and in terms of monetarily and um I just remembered what I wanted to say and it's this and goes back to purpose it goes back to that knowing and staying connected to your intention and this unique thing that you have to give to the world it is not only your responsibility in life to stay connected to your knowing it is your responsibility to advocate for it because only you have seen it in your heart and mind of course your family says no they don't even know what they're you're talking about CU they only know the person that you've been in the past of of course the investor is going to say no why because they only know what they know your knowing is yours yeah and you have to stay connected to it and you have to keep describing it or advocating for it or explaining it to people so that they can see it too and it's not until you demonstrate what you see in your own heart and mind by continuing to walk toward it continuing to talk about it continuing to believe in it that it will become a reality and that's why people say no because it's your knowing not theirs and so in a weird way a ton of nose or a lot of friction or bumping up against things as you're trying you can't understand why don't people get this why isn't this working it's because it's your knowing not theirs yeah amazing hey it's Mel thank you so much for being here if you enjoyed that video by God please subscribe cuz I don't want you miss a thing thank you so much for being here we've got so much amazing stuff coming thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family I love you we create these videos for you so make sure you subscribe m

Channel: Mel Robbins

Views: 26,598

Keywords: Mel Robbins, Mel Robbins Motivation, Mel Robbins Advice, inspiration

Id: uXJ1j162HRA

Length: 75min 39sec (4539 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 15 2024