8 Small Habits That Will Change Your Life: The Best Expert Advice I’m Using This Year

there were 39 experts that we had on the Mel Robins podcast this year many who made multiple appearances because you loved them so much and I thought long and hard about what were the most impactful and transformative pieces of advice that really changed my life and I have curated a list of eight and so that's what we're going to do today first up let's talk about Dr hey it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robins podcast so I was in a yoga class the other day and as I was heading out of the class looking like a hot and sweaty roasted tomato and these two amazing women come up to me Kathy and teal huge shout out to Kathy and teal you know who you are and whenever anybody approaches me who is a fan of the podcast I am so thrilled to know that these episodes that we are taping above my garage in Vermont and in our stud new studio in Boston are going around the world and reaching you and helping you create a better life like there is nothing that is more satisfying than knowing that all of this hard work is making a difference and so Cathy and teal come up to me and one of the things that I like to do and you better be prepared for this if you see me out in the real world and you approach me I'm going to pull out my phone and I'm going to video tape uh when you come up because I have a question for you what topic do you want me to cover what experts do you want me to have on the show and so I was talking to Kathy and teal and I asked them what topics and experts they wanted to have on the show and they told me and then they asked me a question and the question that they asked me was something I wasn't prepared for and it's the first time since launching the show that anybody has asked me this question here's the question it stumped me Kathy said Mel of all of the amazing experts that you have had on the Mel Robins podcast who has made the biggest difference in your life and have you ever had one of those moments where somebody asks you a question and you know you should have the answer to it and you start to think and your mind is like there is nothing there I mean the only thing that was in my brain in that moment was the steam from the hot y room I could not even remember any expert that was on the Mel Robins podast I just went blank blank blank blank and I could have used Jim quick there you know our memory expert who we released an episode with a couple days ago at the moment but holy smokes I had nothing to say and I was super embarrassed I couldn't think of an expert and I kept trying to go back in my mind and trying to go back into my mind and everybody was just kind of like flooding my mind from you know our confidence expert to anxiety to narcissism to all of the health experts that we've had on and I couldn't summon up a name I just couldn't do it and the first thing that then all of a sudden popped in my mind as I looked at Kathy and teal and I said uh there were so many amazing experts on the Mel Robins podcast this year that coming up with just one is really hard to do but I will tell you that there is one person who had a huge impact on my life and this is going to sound selfish because it's our 18-year-old son Oakley Oakley came on the podcast a lot this year and shared all kinds of deeply personal stuff things that I never knew and it really changed my relationship with him I just absolutely loved having him on the podcast I loved all the feedback we got about how what he shared really made a difference for your family and so that was what I said and you know if I'm being honest with you I think the answer is kind of lame so I get in the car after hugging them goodbye and I'm driving down the road and I'm thinking who was the expert what what were the experts and so when I got home I cracked open my laptop I went to the Mel Robins podcast page and I started scanning through all of the episodes and here's what I discovered first of all there were 309 experts that we had on the Mel Robbins podcast this year many who made multiple appearan because you love them so much and I poured through all of the episodes and I looked back through all of the like most popular moments on YouTube and I thought long and hard about what were the most impactful and transformative pieces of advice that really changed my life and I have curated a list of eight eight pieces of advice and the reason why I'm going to share these with you is not only because because teal and Kathy asked but more importantly because when I really took the time to look back and reflect on what I learned this year from so many amazing people I know that when I share these with you it's going to change your life too and as you know I am on a mission to simplify all this complicated stuff and information that's out in the world and tee it up to you in a way that makes it super entertaining and empowering and easy to apply to your life and so that's what we're going to do today the eight pieces of expert and science supported research back advice that changed my life this year and if you try them out I guarantee you they're going to change your life too and so first up let's talk about Dr Amy Shaw she is the medical doctor that trained at Harvard Cornell and Columbia University that is a triple IV League certification right there she's also double board certified imun ologist and a leading expert in women's hormonal health and nutrition and I love her because every time she breaks down information it is so clear it is so entertaining it is so applicable to my life she appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast four different times that's how popular and smart and amazing she is and one of the biggest differences that she made in my life is that because of what I learned from Dr Amy Shaw I have gone from waking up in the morning and AR me crawling my way to the coffee maker and basically lipl locking that sucker and hydrating with a cup of coffee first thing in the morning to waiting an hour before I have caffeine I've gone from being a person that has four cups of coffee a day to just one cup of coffee a day I do not crave it anymore and it's all because of what she taught you and me about morning sunlight and the importance of getting morning sunlight and a little something called adenosine hey it's your friend Mel thank you for being here with me on YouTube and before we get into the eight pieces of expert advice that truly changed my life and are going to change your life this year I just want to ask you please take a moment and subscribe for real 36% of the people that watch this channel are subscribers that means almost 70% of you are not even subscribed to the channel it really supports me and our team and our ability to bring you amazing content for free if you simply hit the Subscribe that's all I'm asking thank you than you thank you thank you and now let's hit the eight piece of advice that are going to change your life this year so routines are excessively important okay in terms of our mood and our um our body our nutrition so when you wake up in the morning you want to get sunlight I have a rule when you wake up go get sunlight first sky before screens oh I love that so sky before screens is how you should start your day your body is wired to see sunlight in the morning even if it's a cloudy day it just has to be bright light okay uh you can just walk out outside for me it's my back door just walk out for a few minutes it could be two to 10 minutes you could do um for me I'm usually just in my pajamas so I'm coming back in and getting ready for the day okay so you don't want to have food or caffeine in the first 45 minutes of your day why I'll tell you why when you wake up you feel groggy right yep that grogginess is partially mostly from adenosine in your brain adenosine adenosine okay and it clears out as you know within 30 40 minutes it clears out then you have your coffee then you eat your food and the reason why is coffee the way it works it it blocks our adenosine receptor so that means that it doesn't help get rid of that Denine it just blocks it from from actually binding okay so if you don't let that Denine clear out and you just drink your coffee when the coffee wears off in a couple hours that adenine is still there and it just binds those receptors and you feel excessively tired and that's why you think you need another cup of coffee and then you're fully dependent like the people that wake up and they need the coffee right then and then they need it again at like 10:00 and then they need it again at 1:00 it's because you're not letting that adenine who go okay you need to let that clear out I'm guilty of this so I am going to try this tomorrow I am going to absolutely have my coffee and then oh no I'm not I'm G to wake up I'm going to wait 45 minutes then I'm G to have my coffee I'm going to see if I have a craving for a second cup yes that is fascinating okay so you want to let it um clear out naturally cuz it's not going to clear out naturally if you start the caffeine cycle right away way this changed my life and I am not exaggerating I literally was addicted to having that first cup of coffee I had this whole story in my mind I bet you may relate to this that you know I got I can't even wake up to have my cup of coffee if I don't have my coffee I'm gonna be groggy well I took her advice to heart and I was bracing because I thought that first morning that I woke up and I rolled out of bed and I was not going to immediately have a mug in my hand and caffeine on my lips that was going to be a freaking train wreck that's not what happened at all it was a GameChanger I had a cup of coffee it tasted freaking delicious because I had delayed it now here's what I noticed the coffee tasted great but what was transformative is an hour later I didn't feel like I needed another one and at 2:00 in the afternoon I didn't feel like I needed yet another one one my focus my energy it was way more consistent throughout the day and here's the thing I'm going to challenge you to do this I've told so many people about this little adenosine thing and morning sunlight and so many of my friends are now not drinking coffee first thing in the morning I love this practical tip because you can get it immediately you can start it tomorrow morning and you will see an immediate result change my life change your life I promise you and I cannot wait to hear what happens when when you do it and by the way I'm going to link to all the episodes in the resources we always have a huge robust list of resources for every single episode and the episodes that I'm talking about they are linked below all right so that was number one advice that changed my life make sure you get exposure to Natural Light first thing in the morning right in the eyes and delay a cup of coffee for 90 minutes the second expert on the Mel Robins podcast that changed my life was another health expert I guess this is is the year that Mel Robbins takes her heal seriously right and so Dr Gabrielle lion if you listen to that episode you'll remember we call her Dr G Dr G was fascinating because she is a medical doctor who is fellowship trained in nutritional sciences and geriatrics which is the science of Aging she's a renowned researcher and founder of the institute for muscle Centric medicine how did she change my life well she completely changed the way that I see protein and the importance of getting more protein in my diet I learned so much talking to Dr G and you know I'm kind of embarrassed to admit to you that I didn't remember learning when I was little that the muscle is the organ of longevity that your muscles are the largest organ in your body it determines everything about how you age about longevity for your overall quality of life and the way that she explained the importance of strength training and the importance of a protein forward diet especially if you want to live a really long and vibrant life which I do I I I I am very interested not in putting a bikini on I just want to age gracefully I want to be able to take my suitcase and pick it up and put it in the overhead compartment I want to be able to dance until I die all things that are going to require me to make sure that I take care of the skeletal architecture in my body which is your muscles and so she gave us a very specific plan of exactly what to do to build muscle without becoming a bodybuilder and she was particularly focused on how this relates to us women why is this so important for women specifically I think women have really gotten this constant narrative about oh you've hit menopause now you're going to have a menopausal belly and you're going to gain about 30 pounds and it's going to be this is how it's going to be that does not have to happen there are ways in which you can manage your body composition through diet and training again we are leveraging protein and food as medicine and movement as medicine rather than taking something external I mean I guess food would be technically external but here's what I would tell and why it's so important for a menopausal post-menopausal woman there is a natural decline in these hormones estrogen progesterone there's a imbalance of testosterone which can affect body composition but one of the ways it affects body composition is we move less we are less active the way to combat that is through very simply doing some kind of resistance training which simply means again against an external load it doesn't have to be complicated and it's not necessarily as difficult as people think I've I've been seeing patients since 2006 I have seen a lot of midlife women and I've seen a lot of success okay what do we do Dr Gabrielle I just heard do you hear that that was women in 194 countries around the world turning up the dial what do we do so all these women in a million different countries you've got your dial turned up you're going to make it so simple this is legitimately fail prooof you are going to have between 30 and 50 grams of protein at that first meal got it then if you were saying well Gabrielle doc G I want to add some carbohydrates I'm going to say you know what go right ahead you're not going to have over 30 grams or so of carbohydrates for that first meal because we don't want to kind of skew this insulin and and give you this robust response again I'm giving broad generalizations got it okay but you know we're just going to Define it and design it so that people can execute right Away Great you can have a little bit of berries you can mix it in water you can mix makes it in Almond juice or whatever it is that you want something not major that is calorically dense okay you've done that you're doing great I don't care if it's a whey protein shake I don't care if it's Mel's PE protein shake I care I don't necessarily want it to be collagen because collagen while great for other things is not great for muscle Health okay so collagen is a different separate kind of protein it is it has um a protein score of what is considered zero it's still great but we're not going to we're not going to put in the category of muscle Health thank you for saying that because I here I am making my smoothie and I'm adding the mushroom stuff for the hot flashes and I'm adding the protein powder and I don't even know if it's got the loopin thing in it then I put in the collagen because a I'm like hair and nails people and two I'm thinking that's another 10 to 20 grams of protein so I can put that in the 50 protein column what you're saying is Mel that is good for your hair and nails but when it comes to complex Amo acids that protein scores a big fat so now I'm learning something this is really good like a pro homie you are a pro thank you another meal maybe you want some kind of smaller meal in the day maybe it has 20 grams of protein and 20 grams of carbohydrates what does that look like that could be uh three eggs it could be your chicken salad you know it could be whatever it is you want I'm not so crazy about that one love you for that thank you you're welcome the last meal if you're having two larger meals and a smaller meal in the middle your last meal is also important because you're getting ready to go into an overnight fast got it so now I'm doing my 30 to 50 I'm have my protein shake or my hamburger with my salad or whatever else the last meal all of the day is between 30 and 50 grams of protein you want your burger you want your chicken you want your salmon great you have now nailed it you will lose body fat by just addressing the dietary component of protein which is is mind-blowing you will you will improve your body composition by changing your dietary protein for breakfast by simply doing that by swapping out your cereal by adding in dietary protein we have seen huge changes in body composition simply by doing that and also by the way some of this data was isocaloric meaning people both had the same amount of calories they were taking they were both taking in 1,600 calories and the postmenopausal women what one group did was change the first meal of the day to have an optimal protein it was around 40 grams of protein and then the second group had around um uh I don't remember exactly what it was but it was probably closer to 50 grams of carbohydrates and 13 grams of protein which is what most women are doing now and the body composition effects were negative for the carbohydrate group versus the protein group they lost weight and again calories were the same so it was simply changing around the macronutrients I don't know about you but I not only listened to that episode twice and I'm the one that had the conversation with her but I have watched the YouTube version of that conversation several times as well and here's a really cool data point so YouTube can tell you some of the most watched parts of any video that you upload on YouTube and our YouTube channel is just youtube.com/ Robbins and all the podcast episodes are out there and they're searchable and they're amazing but when Dr G was talking about the specifics related to protein and the fact that if you just were to change your diet we're not talking restrict yourself of calories don't want to be doing that just change the composition of the food that you're eating and your entire body composition changes that was one of the most watched moments and replayed moments on our YouTube channel cuz you were fascinated with it too and so here here's how I have felt empowered by this because I've shared a lot about the fact that being 55 and going through menopause my body is changing my hormones are changing there have been times that I've been extremely frustrated about what to do because everything that I've done my entire life eat clean exercise cardio all that stuff be a positive person it was not helping with my body composition if you're picking up what I'm putting down and so I have taken Dr G's adice and I'm seeing a huge difference all righty that's Dr G the science of strength training and again that entire episode is both on our YouTube channel just Google uh Dr Gabrielle lion and Mel Robbins and you'll find it or you'll find it in the resources below if you want to listen to it okay next up expert number three KC Davis before we get to KC Davis you know what we have to get to we have to get to a word from our sponsors our sponsors are a amazing I love them and they allow us to bring you all these incredible experts at zero cost so tell you what how about you take a listen to our amazing sponsors and then when we return I'm going to tell you how a woman named Casey Davis changed my life when it comes to laundry and a little later you're going to learn the pieces of advice about anxiety and dealing with narcissistic personalities that also were life-changing so don't you dare go anywhere hey it's your friend Mel and do not skip this because I have something to give you for free no kidding say goodbye to 2023 let's say hello to 2024 make it the best year ever I have a free 29 page workbook I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube watching all of our videos supporting our work I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024 and then more importantly you're going to create a plan to go get it then I'll be here on YouTube motivating you every step of the way you and me baby let's create the best year ever just just click the link boom I'll take you to the page you'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you I love you let's do this welcome back it's your friend Mel and I'm so glad you're here because I'm going through the eight different pieces of expert advice all supported by research and science that truly changed my life this year and I'm sharing them with you in case you missed one of them because I know they're going to improve your life too so next up the third expert that changed my life is Casey Davis Casey Davis is a best-selling author and therapist and she's just one of those people that has a way of explaining something that instantly makes you feel better she came on the show and had so much wisdom to share about how to deal with life when things feel over whelming and you know sometimes that's all it takes right it just takes somebody to teach you how to look at something differently and all of a sudden your entire world changes holy smokes Casey Davis she stepped in with relatable hilarious and most of all life-changing advice this was one of your favorites as well this blew up all over YouTube what is the concept I'm talking about I'm talking about about the fact that laundry exists in a cycle check this out well it's important to remember that care tasks are not binary states of done or not done they are Cycles what does that mean so what that means is that we're used to going are the dishes done or they not done is the laundry done or is it not done but in that's true your laundry exists in a cycle you have cloth that are clean in the closet you have clothes that are on your body you have clothes that are dirty on the floor you have clothes that are dirty in the hamper you have clothes that are dirty waiting to go in the wash you have some in the wash you have some there you have some that are waiting like that's a cycle and every state of that cycle Mel is morally neutral you're not a good person when it they're all parked in the you know closet and a bad person when they're in the hamper it's okay for any of it to be in that cycle and you are not morally obligated to line up every care cycle in your home at the done State at the same time if you could see me right now as you're listening to this podcast you on YouTube can my mouth is on the floor because KC Davis you just changed my life with that reframe let me just give it back to you because I want you listening to really grab a hold of this first of all if you think about laundry the machine has cycles that you can pick from and laundry if you think about it like a NeverEnding cycle just a NeverEnding cycle of things that go in the washer things that go in the dryer things that go back to the spots where they're going to go then they go back in the washer then they go back in the dryer it's never a thing that gets done it's always a cycle the same thing is true with grocery shopping you don't get grocery shopping done you do it in a cycle the same thing is true with tidying I mean you my my playroom my living room it's not clean or dirty it's clean perfect just cleaned it it's a few toys on the floor it's a few toys and a few more on the floor it's and and here's the key in that cycle there's a place where it reaches where it's not functional anymore and that's where I want to reset the cycle but the the key isn't how do I get everything done and keep it done and keep on top of it the key is how do I learn to turn all of these Cycles at a pace where it's functional where I where I have clean clothes when I need them clean dishes when I need them I always say like when I decided to take on the laundry of my home I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean clothes I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirty ones oh say that again same with the dishes louder for the people in the back Casey say that again I signed up to make sure that my family always has clean dishes to eat off of I did not sign up to make sure they never have dirt ones and for the laundry I signed up to make sure I have clean clothes and so do my families I never signed up to make sure that there were never dirty clothes and you get to customize that cycle because if you're moving that cycle too fast Mel you're exhausted you're perfectionistic you're anxious you can't sit down you can't rest or if you're struggling in such a way where you're not moving those Cycles fast enough you don't have clean clothes you can't function in your space so you just want to get a pace that works for you and you can customize those Cycles I don't fold my clothes because that was the part that was stuck sticking the cycle how so so like why what did you figure out about yourself because it's interesting that you say that Casey because I could load a dishwasher full of dirty dishes all day long I could load a washing machine and I love stain sticking stuff and shoving it in there and like all the things and and I can even move it to the dryer when the drer beeps or the dishwasher is done I have some kind of a trauma response to that because I hate putting things away hate it yeah it sucks yes can I make a guess on why bring it on okay well I'll tell you what it is for me and we'll see what it is for you the act of loading things my brain naturally will do it in a pattern right like if I'm loading up the dishwashers like cups Cups cups Cups cups plates plates plates plates plates and I'm putting it all in in this beautiful Tetris whatever right same with laundry it's going in it's going in it's going in it's going in and I'm Dump Dump Dump Dump shut it's this pattern but when you have to put dishes away it's pick up look at it cup cup goes over here this is a okay this is a like there's the bending nobody likes to bend over and over and there's no pattern like your brain likes patterns it gets a little dopamine juice from it oh my God I even when I when I have to unload it I avoid it like the plague but when we when I on the occasions that I unload the dishwasher I always organize them into groups on the counter because you're right it's the patterning of it I love you that's one of the hacks is turning things into patterns turning things into rituals all of the sudden that was it that was the hitch and the cycle that was like grinding the gear every time it got to that place and now the laundry is done every week wow I still stop and just pick up my jaw off the floor when I think about how obvious it is right I mean why have we all been talking about getting laundry done when Casey is so right it just exists in a cycle in fact when we sat down to record this conversation for you and to roll out all this expert advice for you Jesse you know one of The Producers on the show was like oh I'm so glad this made this this changed my life it changed my life too and I know it changed so many of your lives you don't want to know why because it was truly one of the favorite episodes of the year and there were so many moments on the YouTube video of this that you guys re-watched and rewatched and rewatched and so you can find a link to her incredible episodes 11 crazy facts about laundry showering getting the little stuff done because it turns out out and this is what we learned from Casey Davis the little stuff ain't so little but when you flip how you look at it it can change your life completely and it certainly changed mine all right let's move from laundry to something that's kind of related and that is anxiety because before I met Casey Davis the amount of laundry that was constantly piled up constantly gave me anxiety that brings me to one of the most popular Experts of all time on the Mel Robins podcast and that is Dr Russell Kennedy so Dr Russell Kennedy is a medical doctor and a neuroscientist who truly changed my life with his tools on healing from anxiety not just coping with it not just learning how to make yourself calm but truly healing from anxiety now he appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast three times since we have launched his episodes are some of our most loved most popular both on podcast networks and on the YouTube channel so what is the concept that he shared that was so much of a GameChanger for me because you know you've listened to the Mel Robbins podcast for a while so you know that I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time so I thought I kind of knew everything about this topic here was the concept the concept is calling anxiety and alarm in your body now that's the first beat and I always knew that anxiety was like part of your fight or flight right like you know that's kind of based basic information when you start studying anxiety here's where it became a GameChanger anxiety is an alarm in your body but it is an alarm that's signaling what it's signaling that the little you feels separate and I got to tell you something that Insight that it's an alarm for moments when you feel separate that has been huge for me and it has changed how I deal with moments where I feel anxious let's listen to Dr Russell Kennedy talk about it what is your definition of anxiety Dr Kennedy anxiety for me is anxious thoughts anxious thoughts of the Mind anxiety is not painful itself what's painful is the sense of alarm that's in our body that's in our system and it's the alarm that drives the thoughts because it's a very atypical way especially as a doctor and a neuroscientist to look at anxiety as more as a body issue like old unresolved wounding that just res that just making sense to the mind because the mind is this compulsive meaning making makes sense machine so when it feels the alarm in your body from the Old Wounds that haven't been resolved it makes sense of it by worrying warnings what ifs worst case scenarios and that's what happens okay where does anxiety come from it comes from that alarm in your body because typically what happens with people with chronic anxiety anxiety is normal you know anxiety over taxes anxiety over your kids that's normal but if it's every day if it's Relentless like that kind of anxiety is abnormal that typically comes from sort of unresolved stuff from your from your childhood and it's stuck in your body and in your mind to some extent it's it's a bit of a it's a tough call because when you say anxiety is in your body of course it's in your nervous system which of course is your body and your mind so it's really finding that place of unresolved wounding that that trauma that still sits in you because that's the engine of what's driving your thoughts so rather than thinking of anxiety as a thought-based process it's actually a feeling based process that's only kind of reflected by the mind but we we assume that it's the mind because we're so fixated on the mind in our society so it's really a body-based issue but we focus on the mind and we try and fix it through the mind and that's why people are in therapy for 30 years and they're not getting a lot better you know I've spent the better part of my lifetime living with all of this unrest and unease and unedged in my body and I have tried for decades to make sense of it to calm it to soothe it to heal it through my mind and it is a revelation to realize whoo it really starts with thinking about the body how do do you know if what you're experiencing your life right now is anxiety versus just day-to-day stress versus overwhelm I think if it's chronic like if you're looking at your life if you wake up in the morning and you're going oh my god I've got this this this and this which you've talked about before on the podcast like waking up with this sense of dread that's a sign that things aren't quite right I think that we just we live in our minds we live in our bodies this just becomes normal and unless it rises above this kind of critical mass where we're like uncomfortable almost all the time then we think well there's something going on and now with Instagram with all this stuff like everything's trauma now everything's trauma and I I I watched your episode about healing childhood trauma I really want to dive into that as well because it's so important because the quick the quick version is you probably had trauma as a child that was unresolvable for you as a child now what happens is when we get trauma as children we blame ourselves there's a great saying that says if you abuse neglect or abandon a child the child doesn't stop loving the parent they stop loving themselves and then that starts the split and when we and then we start judging abandoning blaming and shaming ourselves from that point forward and that split causes this sense of alarm that gets lodged in our body and then because we don't want to feel that alarm in our body we go up into our heads which is the only place that a child can go because they have no they're pretty powerless and they're in their environment and they overthink and that's a temporary escape and then we train ourselves as children to overthink because that's the only safe place is in our minds and then when we get older go through a couple divorces you know you get in a car accident whatever that stuff tends to come right back up again so that's really the basis of of where this Global anxiety kind of comes from in people is it's this unresolved trauma and your parents love you and you've got you know a supportive family and you're ATT tuned and connected and quote unquote securely attached you can go through traumas like we all do in childhood and they won't impact your nervous system to create this permanent change or I I don't like using the word permanent because it makes it feel like it's hopeless but it creates a permanent change in your nervous syst and Trauma is anything that changes your nervous system that stucks your nervous system in a pattern that doesn't allow you to get out of that trauma and then we just get into this Loop where there's alarm and our body we make sense of it by making horrible thoughts in our mind warnings wh ifs worst case scenarios which of course makes the alarm of the body worse which of course makes the thoughts worse and we get caught in this alarm anxiety cycle and we unless we see it we can't get out of it he's so right and learning this is change the entire way I approach my lifelong relationship with anxiety and calling an alarm this is a big change it doesn't sound so scary when you say it's an alarm when you say it's anxiety it like makes it feel really big right when you say oh this is an alarm I feel separate from myself I feel separate from other people I feel separate from my power now you know what to do but let me tell you something that was just part one of why this was such a GameChanger what really drove the transformation in my own life home is realizing that this alarm is also present in moments where you're blocking love that's why you feel separate from yourself you're actually blocking other people from loving you you blocking letting love in from yourself and this was so something that you loved hearing from him too check this out the reason why you're anxious in the first place is because you block love so when you say I love you whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa the reason why you're anxious is because you block love for yourself yes what you're separated from yourself that's exactly what it comes down to that's what anxiety or alarm really is it's a separation and this is what I do this is my little we get into my little intuitive thing here we're going to in a minute hold on I think I got it that literally your alarm is asking for love and reinsurance absolutely and when you go into your head you block yourself from receiving it yes when you go into your body and you breathe into the alarm and soothe yourself you are actually giving yourself love yes holy and a lot of people with anxiety just they're they're uncomfortable with love in the first place I'll give you a very quick example from my own life so my dad before I was 10 years old was this wonderful guy like he was so uh you know connected to me and nurturing taught me how to hit a ball play chess all this kind of stuff very very connected to him and I loved him greatly and then as I got to be a young teen and his schizophrenia got worse and worse and worse and it became suicidal and a bunch of other things I withdrew from him because to see him in in in horrible Depression was just too painful for me so I blocked my love for him because it was just too painful to feel it and that you can't block love from a parent without blocking love on some level to everyone so so this is one of the things so when you find the blocks that you have to loving yourself this is how you heal and this is basically my little intuitive gift is I can tell people where their blocks are to loving themselves and then when you remove those blocks the anxiety the alarm just kind of Fades away so this is this is really going at the root cause protocol as opposed to just trying to make you think better it makes so much sense and I don't know if it's his voice or his wisdom or just how clear the takeaway is but I feel so empowered listening to him and I love sharing this with you and again you can find these YouTube episodes uh just Google Dr Kennedy and Mel Robbins you'll find them on our YouTube channel we've linked to all three episodes that he has appeared in in the resources below coming up we have a whole casserola big topics and let's talk about diversity of things that we talked about this year together we're going to go to narcissism and then we're going to talk about clutter and then we're going to talk about dreams stay with us hey it's your friend Mel and do not skip this because I have something to give you for free no kidding say goodbye to 2023 let's say hello to 2024 make it the best year ever I have a free 29 page workbook I made this for you to thank you for being here on YouTube watching all of our videos supporting our work I'm going to help you answer what you want in 2024 and then more importantly you're going to create a plan to go get it then I'll be here on YouTube motivating you every step of the way you and me baby let's create the best year ever just click the link boom I'll take you to the page you'll have this puppy in your hands in less than a minute and be right back here with YouTube for me to motivate you I love you let's do this welcome back it's your friend Mel I so thrilled that you are here with me because I'm walking through the expert advice in fact eight pieces of expert advice from some of the most amazing people that appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast this year and I'm sharing them with you because these are not only the things that I put to use in my own life and I see a huge difference but I know based on your comments and based on the popularity of these episodes that these are the pieces of advice that change your life too and the fifth expert that changed my life this year is Dr Romney now I've known Dr Romney for a long time and she never ceases to amaze me she appeared on the show several times and she's one of the world's leading experts on narcissism and I have shared very openly that there is somebody in my life that I am not naming who absolutely struggles with narcissistic Tendencies we of course learned from our experts on the show that narcissists don't get diagnosed because they don't think that there's a problem with them and so one huge Insight that has profoundly changed my life is the medical fact that narcissist do not change they cannot change so do not expect them to if you are in a clinical setting and you are working with a narcissist who is self-motivated to try to change M how much can they change it's a great question so I've I've worked with many clients like this you're going to get the best we can hope for is a little bit more accountability they'll still have rage but they might catch it and apologize a little bit more they are still going to roll their eyes when they don't want to listen to someone but they'll maybe do it less um they'll huff and puff when they're made to wait in the line at the airport but they won't scream at the agents you can get them to Sprint through some stuff but they're never going to be marathoners they're still going to drop the ball a lot one of the other things that I've learned from you is that the damage that a narcissist does understanding you're not to blame it's almost like a person is going to be less frustrated by their car breaking down if they know how their car works right so now you're like oh this mechanic's taking advantage of me I'm like nah now you know how to change your own carburetor like I'm teaching you how to to to fix this thing okay okay and the fix is not in them it's in you so Dr Romney you have really helped me because there were kind of some major takeaways that I've learned from you one being that you don't change the weather in Chicago you're not changing the behavior of a narcissist or the brain of one period second that narcissists are made during childhood they're not necessarily born that way they're not they're definitely not born that way the third thing is that if it's truly somebody with a narcissistic personality they don't even know they're doing it it's not like it is a conscious Behavior it is so ingrained in in how they behave that it's a like a reaction to situations correct but this takes this is an important flip I need to make on that because people say well if they don't know then I can't be mad at them to which I say yes you can multiple things can be true and nowhere is that more true than in a narcissistic relationship this person had a tough childhood Yep this person invalidates me every day yep we have kids together Yep they're not going to stop doing this yep you see what I'm saying like all those things can be true at the same time what is the most important Truth for somebody that is listening right now who realizes oh my God I'm in a relationship with a narcissist what is the most important truth that you want that person to start to think about Embrace this is not your fault you're not responsible for somebody else's Behavior you're not you are not responsible for well they're reacting to me no they're reacting and there's other ways to react so they could they could commonly say to you I I don't like how you're talking to me and I need a minute can teach them those things they can go to therapy and learn that but they feel entitled to their reactions they feel entitled to their rage this is how I react I this is who I am I found that conversation to be so empowering you know how sometimes somebody may have said something to you over and over again but you're just ready to hear it there's something about the way that Dr Romney explains this that it just went click this is not my fault and you know while we're on the topic the sixth expert that really changed my life again it was another expert that we had on narcissism her name was Rebecca zung you guys loved her and one of the reasons why she was so interesting is unlike Dr Romney who is a clinical psychologist who is one of the world's leading Specialists on the psychology of narcissism Rebecca zung is a lawyer and she has studied narcissism from a completely different perspective which is if I'm going into court as one of the top litigation attorneys in the United States and I'm up against a narcissist or heaven forbid my clients a narcissist how is a lawyer do I negotiate and win how as a lawyer do I go in with my eyes wide open knowing who I'm dealing with and I have a strategy and so I loved this conversation because once Dr Romney taught me okay a narcissist isn't made they're born that way well then Rebecca zun walks in and she passes us the Baton and is like and here's your strategy ladies and gentlemen this is what you're going to do and what you loved and what I loved because this is what I love the most about the Mel Robbins podcast and what we're trying to do here is how do we take this expert advice and turn it into tactics give me the scripts give me the tools yes explain the science explain the research let me know that I can trust what you're telling me but then by God tell me what to do and Rebecca zung she showed up with phrases these are the phrases that you are going to use whenever you are dealing with somebody who's narcissistic you have these essential phrases that you coach people to use to disarm a narcissist and observe the Tantrum acknowledge it but not let it hit you can you share a bunch of those phrases that you coach people to use yes you can say things like I agree with you I I agree with you that we're not going to agree I agree with you that that's your opinion I agree with you is always a good one because they kind of hear I agree with you but just make sure that you follow it up with I agree that that's your opinion if you're if they're saying things like you know a terrible mother or whatever you just make sure I agree that that's your opinion your triggers are not my responsibility you can always make sure to remove yourself from a situation where you're not being respected I love these phrases do you have any coaching for the fact that I think most people are afraid to say that because they're then going to invite narcissistic rage what would you advise somebody to do that is just starting to practice these boundaries and create boundaries and not run away from the situation so if they feel like they are going to be In Harm's Way in some way then they really may need to remove themselves from the same physical space okay you know there's a saying that says that you know if if you don't want to be a doormat anymore get up off the floor and you know you train people you condition people on how to treat you and and that's I mean it may sound harsh but it is the absolute truth and narcissists are the the best ones for that and that's just the TR the truth of the matter so if they don't change and somebody's either unwilling or too scared to leave right now how can you truly negotiate with somebody like that well you can because it what I teach Works Rebecca I just have to say I love the Swagger you're referring to your slay method and slay is a four-part framework that you follow in the courtroom and in life for dealing with negotiating with and winning against a narcissist can you explain what slle stands for slle stands for strategy leverage anticipate and you so let's start with the first one s what does it stand for S stands for developing a super strong strategy which is the first part of that is creating a vision if you're just trying to communicate in general if you're just trying to figure out what to do with them if if you're in a family situation if you're just trying to you know figure out how to um deal with them in life if it's your neighbor if it's if it's your tenant what is it that you want so many times people are like I just want them to stop or I just want peace that's not that's not a a a goal what you you want to be specific about what you want beautiful L stands for leverage what does that mean so Leverage is where you're actually creating that motivation for the person to want to come to a resolution with you there are times when you could potentially what I what I call you know fluff or favor vomit later you know so your fluff for favor vomit later yes where you sort of fluff up their ego in order to get something you know give give them something they want in order to get something you want um you know because I do this all the time with someone in my life actually now that I'm realizing I I have I have really developed this strategy I do deploy a strategy I'm realizing as you're talking to feed need a particular person's ego that they are getting their way that they are the most important person in the room and I do that as a manipulation strategy so that I can get what I want exactly just as long as you know that you're only doing it in order to get you know what you want but you know what you kind of have to do is use your documentation they are very rational they as we talked about at the beginning of this show how many times their memory is faulty or whatever and but if you keep track that's how you create your leverage in a negotiation and you say hey um you said this you said this you said this I am going to present this in court I call it ethically manipulating the manipulator you can call it whatever you want many times empaths are uncomfortable with that sort of thing you have to be on the offensive when you are dealing with a narcissist it's not doing anything other than what works if you want to come to a resolution and you want them to stop jerking you around and you want them to leave you alone this is what you have to do because they're never going to leave you alone they're never going to stop you know I so many people come to me and they say oh we're still in court it's 5 years later they won't leave me alone and I say well then you haven't figured out what your leverages yet so now that we understand the strategy and The Leverage a comes next and you say Rebecca you and I got to be able to be two steps ahead always you got to anticipate P can you teach us what you mean by that so A is where you can actually figure out the type of narcissists that you're dealing with because they will all act a little differently in negotiations and so a covert narcissist is much more likely to use the flying monkeys and pretend like they're the nice one and I'm the victim and you know oh poor me and all of that covert narcissists are going to be the first one if if somebody has cancer to show up with the basket and be right at their side in the hospital and you know that sort of thing but smearing everybody on the side you know so you know you just have to be careful of who you're dealing with and then um the anticipation is that also that knowing that they're going to try to bait you I always say they go fishing they go and then they they reel you in like this and then once they have you you're in the mud and you're down there that makes a lot of sense so what's the final part of the four-part slay framework the why which is you which is you standing in your authentic power for you on the offensive and then also your mindset because 100% of winning is your mindset and if you don't believe you can win nobody can help you once you get on the other side of it and you stand up to them and you you grab that power the freedom that you feel the feeling that you feel is actually Beyond better than anything else that's the the beautiful thing you and you alone Define your value you can win and I will tell you something over the holidays I used Rebecca's advice I went in with my eyes wide open I anticipated what was going to happen I knew exactly what I needed to do and I didn't take the bait so I'm proud of myself and I'm going to be very proud of you when you take Rebecca zung's advice and you start using these tools and strategies with the difficult people and Personalities in your life it's so helpful the seventh piece of advice and expert that changed my life this year was Dana K white and one of the things that I loved about Dana K white is that she just made you realize you're not alone in your struggles and if that's one big takeaway from this year over and over and over again you're not alone and one thing that I have struggled with profoundly and I still do from time to time is clutter and you know I kind of put this almost in the same Epiphany uh bucket as laundry like I used to struggle with laundry cuz I was looking at it the wrong way laundry I thought was something that had to be done had to be perfect but as we now know no no no it's a cycle well thanks to best-selling author and organization expert Dana K white I have changed the way I see clutter Dana K white is going to set the record straight everybody because there's a big difference apparently between organizing which is what I was doing and decluttering which is what y'all need to do okay so what is the difference between decluttering and organizing if you had to boil it down in my mind it was bins and boxes yes and uh systems and all these things that I would look at wh which is what you're talking about when you look at those images on Instagram of the colorcoded things and all that you look at that and you think that's it I need the colors and so you bring the colors in and then you're trying to fit all the stuff in there but in reality I realized and I named it that I have a clutter threshold everyone has a clutter threshold what that means is it's the point at which you personally can keep the things in your home under control okay it's the amount of stuff that you personally can keep under control it's the reason why you and your friend can go shopping together buy the exact same things she puts it in her house it looks like a magazine you put it in your house it looks like a thrift store right like that that difference between like she can handle this step and that was part of that self-acceptance right was realizing I brought all this stuff into my house because I wanted it I saw potential in it except that I was bringing it into my house and I couldn't handle it like it was not possible for me to keep my house under control with the amount of stuff that I had in my house so it's not a it's not Aesthetics some people hear clutter threshold like oh yeah this dries me no I'm talking about what can you handle what's easy for you to keep under control so if a space is continually getting out of control get rid of more stuff oh it's still getting out of control get rid of more stuff get rid of Until you realize at some point this is what happened to me as I was like wait a minute I can do this like I can keep this under control and that's where I realize there's this point this level of stuff that I can handle you are a genius how do you know what your clutter threshold is like how what is the test I hate to tell you this but there is literally no way to know other than to declutter there's not a there's not a quiz that you can take uh you can just know if my house feels overwhelming I'm over my clutter threshold if my house is consistently getting out of control and I feel bewildered by that then I'm over my clutter threshold so declutter the only way to find your clutter threshold is to declutter and then my God let me just say the less stuff you have the less stuff that can pile right yep she's right don't you love those moments where somebody just cuts through the baloney and you're like you know what you're right and I am also going to admit something to you this has changed my life so much because it's something that you can do every day you can pick up one thing in your hand and walk it to a different room and here's what I also think is important to say it's not going to make you perfect it makes you feel empowered because when you start to realize oh there I am I've got more stuff again you can use the process over and over and over again so getting rid of things tidying up as a lifestyle it is not only changing my life it is become a way of life all right and finally number eight the expert that changed our lives this year Jaimie Kar Lima my friend Jamie Kar Lima who you heard her incredible story of going from a Denny waitress who struggled with rosacea to creating her own Foundation you know skin makeup line and turning it into a billion dooll company company called It Cosmetics that she sold to L'Oreal it was such an extraordinary story at the heart of the story is learning that you need to believe it believe in your dreams believe in yourself and I'll tell you based on the popularity of this episode and the sections that you guys watched over and over and over on our YouTube channel this particular moment really stood out for you so let's go to that moment Jamie you're three years in yeah you've burned through the money yes you have been told no by everybody and even though you have leveraged all of the steps that were ordered along the way and like an amazing Denny's waitress you can talk to anybody you can hustle you can figure it out yeah you have nothing but closed doors in front of you yes and a ton of product and no money yes what is the Turning Point yes why did you not give up yeah so two big things happened the first uh was in the form of a crazy painful rejection so I thought Mel um so we got a call from a big potential investor and very famous for launching all these sort of unknown Brands and making them big products we all Buy in grocery stores and you know and I thought and they gotten a hold of our product and I thought like oh if they invest in a I'm not going to go bankrupt B like they we can leverage their their their clout to get in these stores that keep telling me no had this whole scenario planned out that was like this pretty woman moment right where I was like oh he's going to save the day and so we started taking meeting after meeting uh and and it got down to the final meeting with this huge investment firm and uh it was in person my husband and I actually flew to the meeting and the head guy was about three feet from me yeah and his whole team was there who was awesome I just presented our whole future product Pipeline and he says you know you should be so proud of this product you're created you've created it's really really good uh but it's a no we're going to pass on investing in IT Cosmetics and I was like okay can you tell me why because I'm so used to hearing no and I was like okay even though really I was devastated but well yeah cuz they just LED you on and you just went through it and this was supposed to be the meeting where they like let's do this and I was so hopeful and I was so desperate yeah and he got very quiet and he says to me do you want me to be uh really honest with you and I saides please and he got really quiet and he's like three feet from me in person and he says I just don't think women will buy makeup from someone who looks like you with your body and your weight and this is why it was such a big moment for me when he said that to me first of all a lifetime of bodied out and self-doubt like I remember it flooding my body all at once and when I looked at him I actually felt no anger toward him I felt like I was almost like staring my own fear um straight in the eye but when he said those words to me I felt this feeling in my gut like I can remember it like it was yesterday this like strong feeling that said he's wrong like I felt it right and I didn't know how I was going to prove it but I felt that feeling and what I realized later when I look back at that moment this guy this dude gave me a no but God gave me a knowing in that moment in that moment and I believe every one of us has had someone tell us we're not the right fit or no or you don't have what it takes sometimes we're the ones telling ourselves I don't love you anymore yes yes that right there is the billion dooll piece of advice in life you can either listen to the know or you can listen to The Knowing The Knowing is something deep within your heart it's a moment of courage and I also know that that moment where she was told no in a really insulting Way by that investor that fired you up you were mad you're like he did not have to say that like that I read your comments well that's why you loved how the story ended because that wasn't the last time that she met with that investor in fact I always believe that if you just put your head down you trust in the knowing you keep chipping away at it eventually everything turns out exactly how it's supposed to and people usually get what's coming to them check this out so have you ever seen that investor since I have not seen him uh the day that we of course I asked the petty question I'm like have you ever like seen him to like twist the little knife in there so so uh I heard from him one time ever again and it was six years later the day that L'Oreal announced the deal so because they're a public company they announced um you know that they had acquired at Cosmetics madebe the first woman to hold a CEO title of a brand in their 107 year history you were the tra BL are there too so all of a sudden it was homepage Wall Street Journal the Press everywhere and that was the first time and only time since that I heard from that potential investor and what did he say he said congratulations on the L'Oreal deal I was wrong is what he said and wished me the best of luck and uh uh that's a big deal to admit you're wrong I could give you 1.2 billion reasons why it was a huge mistake um but I didn't I wouldn't have wanted to be him in that situation you know we probably would have been one of the most successful investments in his firm's history you know and so listen it wasn't uh reject I always say rejection is God's protection it's also a gigantic redirection right I love that rejection is protection because it redirects you away from what's not meant for you I just love that story I love Jamie Kern Lima and you know what else I love you thank you for tuning in for sharing for the hours you spent listening for the number of times you talked about this podcast or you told other people about it or you shared something that you learned you have made our little weekly conversations the number five most followed podcast of the year and I am so humbled to be your friend and I am so honored to be able to talk to you twice a week every week and do this thing called life together and you want to know what you and I are just getting started so tell me what your favorite thing was tell me what topics you want us to cover in the year ahead tell me how these eight pieces of expert advice are changing your life and in case no one else tells you let me be the one to tell you I love you I really really love you that's why I show up that's why I work so hard on this that's why we are here every Monday and every Thursday I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life all righty I'll talk to you in a few days hey it's Mel and and I didn't really feel like doing bloopers because I'm feeling very inspired by Jaime's message that you are worthy you're not only worthy of love and of happiness but you are worthy of living an amazing life and I want to help you I want to help you beyond this podcast and here's how I'm going to do that I took the time with my team to create a beautiful amazing workbook for you that will guide you through the science back questions you need to ask yourself step by step so that you can figure out what you actually want and make a plan to go achieve it I'm serious about this this free workbook is waiting for you at melrobbins.com bestyear when you go to that melrobbins.com bestyear you're going to find a website where I have a video message waiting for you you're going to find the workbook and how you can download it and get a copy emailed to you and when you receive this workbook I'm going to tell you what you're going to realize wow Mel Robbins does believe in me and when you start to answer the questions and go through the exercises you're going to realize something even more powerful huh I actually believe in me too so go to melrobbins.com bestyear and let me help you create one of the best years of your life because you know what you're worth it and YouTube thank you thank you thank you for being here um thank you for sharing episodes and by the way if you're not subscribed do you realize 70% of the people that watch my channel do not subscribe to it please please please just take a moment give back a little hit the Subscribe button it really makes a huge difference for a small show like ours and allows us to bring you more amazing stuff so thank you thank you thank you and if you loved all of this you need a pep talk so check this out

Channel: Mel Robbins

Views: 401,940

Keywords: Mel Robbins, Mel Robbins Motivation, Mel Robbins Advice, inspiration

Id: k9Le6xJ_iQM

Length: 70min 11sec (4211 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 01 2024