How to Say NO!

So today we're going to talk about something related to relationships in some ways, but one of my it seems like one of my most popular titles consistently is on boundaries, which I'm not going to go into extensively here, but boundaries. People want to know about healthy boundaries, healthy relationships and topics along those lines. And that's because what has been taught doesn't work. What people try to teach about relations doesn't work. What they try to teach about boundaries doesn't work. There's reasons why it doesn't work. Most of the time it's because they leave God out of the equation. They leave healthy self out of the equation. Usually they're just telling you how to navigate interactions with others how to get others that you want to do things you know certain ways the things the way you want things done. iI's not really about getting people to do what you want around the way you want that's a nice thing that we do for each other where we can connect and you know meet each other you know somewhere along the way in our relations and communicate the way we can each appreciate each other and so on that's all helpful but that's external compared to our inner work spiritual connection with spirit you know our spiritual work and our work with our healthy selves nurturing the healthier self that's where it comes from so boundaries are greatly made up you know from our relationship our spiritual growth and our own relationship with ourselves in another way another way to say it is relationships with others is determined greatly by our spiritual healthiness and our psychological healthiness ours not theirs ours that helps us to recognize healthy others when they're in our space you know instead of being kind of compelled to be attracted to others that aren't so healthy so that's kind of where we're going to go today but but specifically one of the things related to boundaries is this concept of saying no so today we're going to talk about how to say no the peculiar piece to that though is a person can never act learn how to say no if they don't understand that yes is just as important it really is and you really can't learn how to say yes until you know how to say no this is something I've taught for years and years and years it's one of the primary you know relationships are a big part of what I teach but I teach hundreds of topics but in relationships boundaries is one of the most common topics and when it comes to boundaries one of the tools on the TEL tool belt of boundaries has to be how to say no and again people you know that are wounded they don't have a healthy spiritual life and a healthy psychological life they're gonna have a harder time not only saying no but they're gonna have a hard time knowing how to say no when to say no and so on and so on and that's because if you don't have a healthy sense of self you won't know when it's right to say no to something or yes to something because as I said saying yes is just as important but saying yes only comes after we have checked inside so to say no they they they only come after checking in to see if something's right for us but if I have a wounded history a propensity to make unhealthy choices in partnerships for example if I have stuff that kind of haunts me and an unhealthy patterns in my way of living then I'm gonna need to learn to air towards know why why don't why not err towards yes because yes is what's got me into so much trouble so I I know it may sound strange and I don't mean for it to sound negative but we actually have to err toward saying no before we can know how to righteously say yes so breathe that in for just a second because I don't think most people understand that now just because I'm saying learn to say no does not mean what's very common in the world of counseling in psychology you know counsellors your your your even your mentors your life coaches your sponsors different forms of counselors and support group supports these systems and support people they're often going to say you know what you need you have to learn to say you know no to this and that because you you know to addictions no to people they're they're not really correct mainly not because saying no is right or wrong or yet is saying yes is right or wrong it's that they're not teaching when to say yes or no they're just telling you to start saying no more often we don't want a compulsion of no we want a guidance an inspiration of yes and no and when I'm not sure if it's yes or no I will lean towards no I being any of us that is struggling with creating a healthier life so it gets really interesting because you know people just don't quite get you know when is it okay when when is it okay Michael I I've been struggling for opening up a new relationship when is it okay when you can be fairly certain you're entering a space of healthiness whether it's you're dealing with addiction or codependents or wounded relations or wounded history as a child it's kind of like you have to create a safe space imagine that we are the parents to ourselves if we're the parents to ourselves then we have to sort of protect the child within the child within isn't necessarily like a fragile thing that you might assume the fragile within I'm saying is more like my new self kind of you know I'm trying to come out into a new world into a new life and I'm sort of trying to create a safe space for that to happen if I don't show up as an adult meaning simply spiritual psychological maturity that form of adult adult only in wisdom if I don't show up with that spiritual and psychological maturity I'm not creating a safe healthy space or place for the child that I am the child that I am is the human part not the spiritual is psychological the human part that's a little more fragile and it's trying to navigate a sometimes intense sometimes even abusive world so I really want to do my best to create a safe place for that child and I don't you know you know I don't quite have it down perfectly when to get how to get inspiration on exactly yes as a nose in every given inspiration that spiritual guidance system in our heart and soul okay and I don't know how to get that quite perfected I'm getting there but it's not quite perfected so what I'm gonna have to do is lean towards no until I really am clear that yes might be right that's healthier then lean towards yes until an alarm goes off and I need to say no and so on that note you know I was saying earlier that some counseling profession some people professional people they're going to just simply say you need to say no and I understand that very generally speaking they're they're accurate they're right because they're they're trying to get you to protect yourself but they're not accurately teaching you that saying yes is just as important and they're not teaching you when and how to learn to say yes they're just saying you better just learn to say no they want you to toughen up be strong say no well that can sometimes that just makes you into a harder person you know I've just learned to say no no to everything you know that's not our goal man love is not becoming walls you know or building walls or barriers separation any form of separation from yourself or from spirit or from each other anything like that I'm needing to learn how to be safer and be able to say yes so the problem is in my life I've said yes even it did when I didn't want to say yes I said yes I said yes to people I shouldn't date I said yes to marriage when I should have I said yes to me and jobs that I shouldn't have her investments I should know that's what most people struggle with so that won't be the same when they don't follow the compulsion meaning the ego based codependent I want approval type of person inside that says yes as long as that's what you want as long as you like me you know yes dad I'll go up for football even though I should be a florist you know I'm gonna go out for football cuz my dad said so you know and it just go was so badly so often you know you gotta just to thine own self be true recognize what works for you and then learning to say yes or no based not just on what is right for you it's right what's right for you spiritually and psychologically because sometimes our wounds are what people use as their brah my might my inner-self says I shouldn't do this or I should do this but they're actually checking in with their wounded in herself and that one is the one that leads us to compulsions in the first place you know those irresistible decisions those non I'm not even present kinds of decisions I'm just going by what I'm thinking I have to do what others are coaxing me to do and none of that is is healthy at all you know and for me in especially I think you know in the old days of my teaching I was always trying to tell people you know you got to learn to say yes or no based on an inner understanding an inner guidance system and you know it was like so new to so many people they didn't really understand it but if I you know in the old days when I would do sessions if somebody said to me oh you know I have you know Michael I'm going to share with you one of my problems or sometimes I just pick it up in the reading the intuitive reading part of my sessions I'll say you know one of your challenges is you tend to do this or this and the person might say yes absolutely so in this case if the person says to me I have this tendency I just seem to not be able to say no my children keep borrowing money from me and now I don't have any left you need to say no I didn't say that you need to know when and how and you know why to say yes or no that's the trick to learn learn to know why and then also when and how but why what where's this coming from it's not for my greatest good that's the why not why am i Glenda my kids money order my children that's compulsion you're letting genetics or or guilt or whatever compel you wrong wrong decision instead checking in and saying what is the healthiest thing for the most greatest number of people and we usually will find you know sometimes it's yes sometimes it's known so I'll say no even if it means your disapproval mom I'll say no if you know even if it means your disapproval kids this is what seems right you know so here's where we're gonna go with that and it's it's um not always what people want and it does annoy ya your mother your children you know when you set boundaries but that's the way it's got to be that's actually the healthy way of life no it doesn't fit the compulsions of but I want them to like me you know it's no it doesn't fit that because that's dysfunctional codependent unhealthy and so on so for me it's happened when somebody says I just can't say no to my kids or I can't say no you know men keep you know when they want to date me I say okay because I feel like my friends tell me I need somebody in my life or it all just ridiculous reasons so when they do that my particularly in the old days my style has always been you know to be a little bit a little bit radical in my approach so if somebody sits in my room and says you know in an office and says well I always had this or this or this you know compulsion you know I I times they'll make jokes or sometimes I'll test them you know I might make a joke and say you keep giving money to your kids write me a check jokingly to get them to laugh at the it so that I don't want to shame them one of them you know I'd rather them laugh a little bit and see through and go god you're right you know might as well write a check for everybody and we laugh you know there was a there was a woman I met once overseas and she had a very wealthy husband and now he was passed on and she was a much younger than him this beautiful woman and you know she had every amount of money you could imagine and she was like you know oh you know I'm I'm wanting to be helpful and I'm giving you know giving you giving you everybody's asking me for money and on she was kind of torn between I want to be a nice person and help but also I'm starting to feel used you know and when her session was done you know it was like we're done with all the the whatever it was the healing work the body work whatever I did and the counseling and so on but um she just stopped and she was like this was the most incredible session I've ever had and could ever even imagine this this changed everything in my being I mean my mind I see things clearly and so on I was really beautiful and then she said well you know so how much do I owe you and I sort of jokingly I forget what it was I think it was something like $100,000 I said well it would be about a hundred thousand because you said it's really a big deal and really changed your life and I kind of smiled she smiled she actually left me a check for a hundred thousand dollars which I then tore up and told her it was a joke you know she left it though because she was that changed but I was also saying to her do you see how you're still just handing out the money without thinking maybe she did think it through so by tearing it up she could then go away well why did you do that because I love you God loves you and cares about you and I want to be like that I respect you enough to say I'm not going to be another person taking from you now at that point she could have said I got it lesson learned now you're going to learn to receive and here's another check for the same amount then I might have to accepted it if it's clean you see no stuff attached to clean so in that case it was you know very cool and then she might have written another check for like a couple hundred dollars or something but that's kind of that's how I was a little bit more somebody saying oh I can't say how you know I date people I can't say no to them you know I'm the type to go okay so when you go out tonight and they'll kind of go yeah I don't go how is that changing your pattern then they laugh and they realize I'm I'm testing them I'm joking and testing them you know once in a blue moon you know being that kind of radical about things like that big kind of getting in the trenches and joking with people and joking about writing a check or or going on a date or what is so unacceptable by some people's standards but it always just really BAM you know just really got into people's heart and souls instead of staying in such a far distance to try to hope that they get anything learned in any given therapeutic type of session I was a little bit more you know direct you know and so forth in my own sessions I've changed a lot of things because of time availability and and so forth I used to be I used to try to give more time to sessions like double and triple hours of session for people that wanted a lot more personal work and I was also teaching sacred sexuality in the old days and people would come with a lot more you know in those days a lot more wounds around that and I would say yes for various reasons helping them yes I'll talk to you about that yes we'll work on that bodywork and so forth I almost do no bodywork anymore at all and even though it's effective and I really really loved you know for example of all the work I do sessions teaching lectures Sunday Sermons to some churches would call it sermons and so on of all the work I've done I honestly could say that working with sacred sexuality and sexual abuses and wounds to might have been my favorite thing to have ever done I do all kinds of teaching on all topics but that was maybe certainly with sessions it was my favorite topic sometimes my favorite teaching that topic but but particularly in sessions I really loved working with that because it's an area that nobody would want to talk about her navigate it was an area whether it was the intimate side of the topic or the wounded side of the topic I really loved seeing the changes in people were so dramatic from frozen wounded pain you know to opening up and recognizing value I just it was so miraculous and I'm pointing that out for various reasons but even in those even in those sessions sometimes you know there would be people that would come to me saying I've studied with other teachers on this topic and and and I would find a way to you know talk about it and bring up toppings and fish a little to see where they've been what kind of beliefs they have around it if they're talking about people that have done work in that area now not just fresh from the street of wanting to enter woundedness for the first time topics but people that have been around and worked with that topic a bit and they would tell me they study with certain teachers or healers and I knew what that meant and I would ask them does that mean you were intimate with these people you know and most often yes so then I would say within why are you here if it worked you know if that worked if being intimate just you then why would you be here well because this is still not happening to that and you know and I would explain to them you see that didn't work because you still said yes to something that you knew wasn't quite right for you and and just could see such healing such powerful healing with with people again I'm not trying to shame them but I'm trying to point out do you see how a pattern of yours just disrupted your life again and so it was things like that so once in a while I would say to these people now you ready we're gonna do some of the work you know same work you did with that person you know meaning intimate expression or experience they would go okay and I'd say no you're not getting it the one of the first rules in any healing of our lives but definitely intimate work or sacred sexuality you must learn to say no before you say yes so then I would say now again you got that they go yes and I would ask again and sometimes they'd say okay and I'd say you're still not getting it I'm not coming on to you I'm asking you to test you so I'd ask him again and you know usually the second or third time they would say got it no no you think I'm done no I would say why why not um well you told me not to wrong reason so I had to do it again would you like to be intimate you know and they'd say no why it just doesn't feel right okay why because that's a pattern of trying to break yes and that's when I would say right on you see it's weird because I would be at the edge testing them on a topic that's so controversial but almost always it was for that particular goal to teach them to say no once in a while just ride that edge to see how far they're gonna go and you know so forth I remember one time speaking at a church in another state somewhere but it was a very large church and this girl came up to me slender young woman and tight dress and heels the whole bit and she said you know um you know you I saw that you wrote this book and you know and she had the long nails and I saw you wrote this book and you know second sexual Atia and I'd like you to you know teach me and I said okay well meaning what I kind of where that's going but I'm like Anne you were in a church as a spiritual center what would you like today she goes well I think you can teach me some things about sexuality I said okay are you saying you want me to be sexual with you well yeah whatever it's gonna take you know for me to learn I said okay you know because this is a large church they have several offices we could use one of the offices you know and I'm keeping a straight face she says okay I said now if I'm not mistaken you have a pattern of being promiscuous is that right uh-huh how would being with me change that how would that help you heal oh okay you're right I get it I'm like yeah you think so it's a really strange way for a person a healer therapist counselor whatever it is to sort of confront people by going to that edge with them because any one of them could have thought something else you know and I certainly have a couple of you know here and there you know run the edge of that to see where they're gonna go and then say now do you understand that that's not right do you understand it's not comfortable where are you at at this whole time and really walk the edge with him but even in counseling I had a woman say to me that she was like 75 and she said to me once you know Michael um could I ask you a personal question I said sure she said well sometimes I'm I'm learning now to be more intimate and with myself and and sometimes I'm wanting to think about something that kind of you know seems arousing I said good you know that's fine again no shaming people you know as best we can and she said could I could I would you mind if I think about you you know it is just to an average therapist counselor know it's man your breaching boundaries that's wrong in it then they have good reasons for that that's just not my style and I said of course honey if that's what you feel right doing and it's not something she needed to do forever she just needed it right there and I said okay I'm not gonna shame her shaming people isn't gonna help them heal teaching them boundaries is good so therapists that say that's absolutely inappropriate it has some merit to it depends in my opinion it depends on when where and how because to me setting the boundary in yes or as a yes or a no D on the why I have to go inside and look instead of it being always always saying no to me it's are you checking in so to me this this person had very beautiful intentions and total no harm meant and and was in a very vulnerable place so I met it a matter at that place and say that's fine you know thank you for asking me it's it's just her mind it's not like I'm saying I'm gonna psychically join you or you know do anything kind of like that it's just like you know hey whatever if that's in your mind and in no time at all that was done and she was happily ever after with someone you know so this you know it may seem like I'm digressing into these these experiences or varieties of experience and explanations or examples but it's very important to understand because it's the non shaming but it's also just because you say no doesn't mean you meant harm to somebody just because you said yes doesn't mean you met harm come from the healthiest place you can be with people and take care of yourself all the time as well this is all about really a point of as I grow I learn I can afford more than I used to I can afford more meaning as I grow spiritually as I grow psychologically and spiritually I realize um I can I can ask more often for things I'd like in my life and not be all worked up about being rejected that's an example of to me healthy boundaries yeses and noes just go ahead and ask they can only say yes or no they can ask you and you're allowed to say yes or no and when people push and push to try to get you to change your answer just recognize you are not in any way harmed by sticking to your guns with your decision and some of those clients of mine I would I would push them a little in a healthy way I think but in a healthy way to get them come on you told me you want to change this so now I'm asking you for whatever it is to say certain things do certain things whatever and you're still doing it come on you can do it say no they say no then why are you saying no because I want to teach them you also can just say no to people but you can also play seeds to educate them on why like instead of to the kids you've used me for too long don't ever ask me for money again that's maybe a right answer for you but the way you're saying it is hard and it's wall its reactive instead you would say you know no you know thank you for asking guys I really appreciate that you trust me enough to ask however I'm gonna have to say no this time and maybe for a while I'll probably have to say no why what's going on well I just think it's a really healthy thing you know for a while we've we've done that and I'm sort of running out of money or I'm not feeling good about it anymore and I'm gonna just go ahead with no for a while if they respect that god it's beautiful you came out and you shared your new identity and healthier boundaries they on the other hand might go WOW okay mom we respect that which happens one in every so many you know but a lot of times people that are used to getting things from you they're gonna get reactive so before you say yes or no to a person if it's contrary to what they wanted you to hear what they wanted to hear from you boy you better be better be ready and roll that around in your mind a little of the options of what you're gonna say to get out of that conversation cuz if you're capable of being guilted you're worse off than when you started if you used to say yes and now you're saying no that's not so great if it's something unhealthy but it's even worse if you now are gonna try to say no they guilt you into saying yes again I always said yes now I'm saying no now they're guilting me back into yes that's worse than when I started now I have quite you know compounded guilts and shames around it so be prepared kind of think it through like okay and they keep pushing me and I'm gonna say wait you know it feels like you guys are pushing me like you're not respecting my answer so I think what I'm gonna do is leave or hang up or whatever that's sorry meant extra added boundaries you know you've got to you know did just like a conflicts I'd of me doing counseling if I ever had it was very rare if I ever had a client that was like no I don't talk about this or that or the other which is good they're maintaining their boundaries but when you say I'm gonna come to healing when you go to healing you need to try to be open to opening up you come to me for counseling you say I want to talk about a B and C but that's the topic we're supposed to talk about I'll just say I'm gonna now instead of encouraging the one direction you you know coming out I'm gonna say no thanks you know I'm good we should cancel the session and here's your refund or whatever be done with it because now that's me exercising my own boundaries but it isn't mine in some harsh way I'm actually doing it out of respect for you why would you sit here in what a session pay for a session if you're not going to open up so it's a Guinness a way to teach to me it's plant seeds if you can don't just say yes and no at first maybe that's all you can do but as we grow we can afford a little more so now I can afford them you know pushing a little bit for but for me to sort of say no and then explain why to also then go further and say n if you keep pushing this chances are I will never again you know so that's kind of what it's like it's to me it's very beautiful the whole concept can be very beautiful does it always go perfectly no you know sometimes they push and then we just get pushed too far when we react it does happen you know you get triggered and all that but just to be able to do the best we can you know learning to say no believe it or not guys it's an act of self respect learning to say no or yes for me to you is something I'm gonna do because I love and respect you as a soul but I also have to love and respect myself so how can the most love and respect be brought forward that's what I'm going to be looking for and whatever the case may be there's times when I gotta I work hours and hours and hours doing sessions and workshops some Sundays I mean I go and I have to start there to get everything organized for a Sunday morning to a Sunday service sometimes it's two and three some places I've been do have had me do five Sunday services so I do these one after another after another after another and then somewhere in there there might be okay you've got a ten minute break and somebody wants to do an interview for ten minute okay boom straight to an interview and then can you now switch gears to an evening lecture and I mean it goes hour after hour but somebody still walks up and says listen could I talk to you yeah where were you born you know yeah you know just curious and I have work to do so I don't often have time for small talk and I don't mean to be rude I'm just totally busy ten times beyond what most people can even imagine to be a busy schedule it's way beyond that and some people don't care some people care but they don't think about it enough and some think about it enough but they're still wanting to ask something so I'm gonna do my best because of love and respect but somewhere it might happen where I say to myself no let's go no on that one listen you wanted to do an extra such-and-such you wanted to do a double session and now it's 10:00 in the evening and I've worked since 7:00 in the morning no but I'm willing to sit and talk to you for a few minutes because I want to offer some suggestions for your life but not going into an hour or two hour session you see so you've got to do your best to navigate these things and it's you know it's some people aren't going to like your answers that's all but you it's just out of love and self-respect and it's really a cool thing because when I start to say no if I'm coming from a healthy place or yes from a healthy place I start to realize this is not at all coming like from a reactive place I can check in and go this is like this is like developing willpower sticking to my guns this is pushing off old abusive patterns of mine where family members used to push me for everything they wanted from me or inappropriate people our first husband's or six wives or whatever it was I get it I get it it's a pattern and now I'm gonna have practice more self-respect and I'm going to develop more willpower but also this is also about choosing to live on the right side of life choosing choosing to be sane and it's really really cool it's such a beautiful thing now some people watching a program like this you know scratch their head I don't get it I don't know how I could do that it won't apply in my life etc all the resistance we have to these kinds of concepts they are also now your addictions you're also addicted to the people that use you that's why you can't easily break out of these things you can say well they'll just never I'll never hear the end of it your addiction well they just won't won't listen to me if I your addiction you can blame it on them but at some point we have to say wow it's possible that I'm enabling some of these behaviors it's absolutely true whether it's you know partners boyfriend/girlfriend children it doesn't matter I'm definitely not the person you're gonna be able to get through to when you want to use excuses and say well but you know this doesn't count when it comes to family yes it does it can't count to your children I mean come on yes it does but you would never set boundaries on a dog they're so innocent and sweet yes you do because the boundaries are not just about them you're gonna think that at first gotta learn to set better boundaries with people because it's true people they take advantage etcetera etcetera fine I get it you're right set better boundaries and that she's you it's where you start but then you start to realize when I'm setting better boundaries for example if I have low self-esteem and it attracts someone who kind of uses me and then you learn to say I learned to say no you know this is a bit too abusive no thanks I said no do you realize you're also setting boundaries on your own low self-worth person that keeps attracting those kinds of people you learn to say no to you hey you know I'm watching you you're saying this to yourself I'm watching you I know you told that person you're not interested in dating but I'm watching you because you're sort of pacing the living room you're thinking about calling them oh no I'm not you say to yourself you know yeah you are and I'm not gonna shame me for it I'm gonna ask why why are you thinking about them well you know I wasn't really but maybe if I was it was just because I thought maybe just you know going out and hanging out wouldn't be a problem is that usually what you do when you go out well no it usually goes a bit further pretty quickly too you know is that right yeah I do that don't I yeah so do you think it's a possibility based on your history that that might be where it goes again well it's a possibility how will you feel if that happens will you feel closer to better living or further well it won't feel very good no but there's no guarantee that that will happen but that's your pattern isn't it let's just not shame you but let's just look at it as that's a pattern and we don't need to tempt fate make a healthier decision now if you make the healthier decision setting boundaries saying no to people your kids no money or your parents know this or that and and you're chewing your nails all night you know you're not quite there because you're doing it but grudgingly I don't not gonna call that good or bad I'm just gonna tell you you might then have to start looking at what is this addiction I have I am obsessing on saying no to them we're saying yes to them whatever it happens to be I'm obsessing I'm not just thinking about money but just worried about I'm obsessing on it you got to look at that so setting boundaries learning to say no and or yes it's something we all develop over time and get better at it and better at it but you will fail miserably if you're not willing to look at your investment in these things look at you know what it brings up I mean gosh you know I mean I had kids you know and when they were young you know they were acting irresponsibly at times and and then they would call on me for helping this and that this is when they're maybe teens or young or even than that but teens were sure and they you know not acting responsibly and so whether it's dad you know my homework and I don't know how to do homework and I mean okay so I set aside time to help them time manage and get some get some homework done I would just get with them and like we do some crunching on on studies and then great they'd catch up at school it'd be great but it could and would happen again so should I say never again you know because that's enabling this behavior you're gonna get it done right as it as a young adult apparent at the time it wasn't easy and for me especially because I was gone on tour so often it was very challenging because I need to set a boundary and say you guys just need to take care of your lives and do your own homework but I also am gone so often I know that it leaves them in a very precarious place plus I'm gone and there's a guilt I feel about being gone so how much how right is it for me to help them and enable them when in fact inside I'm feeling like I owe it to them so here we sometimes fill this conflict my parents raised me sometimes yeah they were quite abusive but now gosh they're there's so much older now so I owe it to them you know how much do I you know do I give them my life I gave up my life to take care of my parents but it's and I got fired because I was taking care of them so often and I lost my whole life and they don't even like me that's what some people tell me and there's some but I owe them and I'm like guys it's not easy to navigate but you are supposed to be asking what is the greatest good and sometimes to say despite the way you treated me mom dad I'm here to be the presence of love and that's if I can afford to do that that's the right decision for me other times this is why this is title learning to say no how you know because other times it's right to say mom dad remember all that stuff the abuse of this kind or that kind that neglect or whatever it happens to be remember all those years you were spaced out on drugs or drink and we were left to change our own diapers remember that well you know here's the situation I would love to help you and I'll help only to the degree I would help any other human being not an indebtedness to a parent because you're not my parents in this case I'm giving I would say to them I would look at how I might be able to plant a seed to teach them something and say for example and I know this sounds harsh to some of you instead of helping you what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna leave you with this mom dad whomever those days of abuse were really absurd and they were pretty gross if you go to your grave with it you're going to suffer for it in bad ways whether you believe in hell that's not good reincarnation that's not good oblivion whatever you believe in you it cannot help you to have been abusive and die and go to the other side I'm gonna recommend to you that you rethink what happened and find a way you don't even have to tell me or sorry find a way in your quiet moments to talk to God and say help me to clear whatever I was feeling about this if you can just promise me that you'll do that I don't have to hear the tape of it or anything if you just tell me you're going to get your soul cleared here a bit I will step up and help you without it I won't now I'm not doing that to punish them even though it may sound like it if some people would do it to punish them what I would be doing is trying to get them to clear their soul so even when I said a boundary I'm actually often doing it most of the time doing it almost all the time doing it for the person involved I'm trying to set the boundary for their sake now that gets really strange cuz I'm not asking you guys to be martyrs but I am saying that I personally Michael tend to feel like I can handle a little more stuff than I would tell most people I can handle a little more abuse than most people if I were if I have my board of trustees or some of my team members for filming and you know the work that we do here if they were experiencing some abuse from somebody from a client or from a you know a subscriber or a viewer even online comments that people sometimes make I'll tell them not even don't even let it get one sentence in shut it down set a boundary say no to it done if the if that person were saying the same things to me I would sit and say I'm sorry to hear that and I would talk to them it's so it sounds hype you know hypocritical because I'm I'm telling people to handle less take less crap from people than I would do but I feel pretty growing with that it would feel weird or if it was the opposite if I were telling people be patient and I was less patient than them with people's behaviors I actually am more because because I feel like I understand it a bit more and I would never ask my team or anybody to put up with it if they couldn't you know or to cut it shut it down if they felt they could handle a little more I'm not gonna tell them what to do but I will give some general guidelines and when they involve me I would say you know hey here's what I suggest or whatever whatever but but myself and some day you know you guys hopefully already see this that you are able to handle a little more the way you'll know how to handle more and not have to shut people down by saying no and you'll gradually be able to say yes a little more often is the more you get to know yourself you'll realize you're immune to people's stuff you really are you can handle stuff more than you thought again this is tricky because I don't want to subscribe to abuse allowing people to abuse you I'm not at all saying that but I am saying that the more we grow the more we can tolerate a word here and there the more we can be a little more patient so that's all true but don't try to be that until you're actually ready for it start by saying no start by saying no then move to learning to recognize why you're saying no how to say no when to say no become more sensitive to win and then practice that as your first sort of curriculum for boundaries or first learning to say no then gradually you realize I've learned to say no I know now know how to say no now I can say yes I can say yes to a date because I I'm I'm a master and when to say no if I want something to end whether it's how far we go in making out or whether it's how often we date you say I'll pick you up tomorrow no no I'm gonna be busy oh come on I really like you know and then I realize I've said no five times to the same thing in five you know in 30 seconds let's say now I'm also done with the relationship perhaps because I realized that in my having to say no so many times within one minute or half a minute or whatever I realize this isn't even a healthy situation for me I call you bad don't get into hating people that you say no to you might even feel compassion because they're you know coming from such a wounded or desperate or controlling or whatever you know kind of place that they're doing this unfortunately for them not my thing and that's one of the tactful ways you can learn to say no you just learned to say no I'm good thank you no I'm good you know it's me and some of you know that when you've asked me things you know no thanks I'm good you know and it's sort of a way of instead of acting insulted or threatened and something they asked for you could be a vegetarian and somebody he says hey you know let's go up to a steak house no thanks I'm good you don't have to say oh no that's terrible I don't eat that and shame them you know do you know where that the slaughterhouse was a little bubble by all these stories and it's nobody asked you man they ask you if we want to go out to eat maybe they like you as a person they just asked you out to eat they don't need a speech so you can just say no I'm good and that's tact when we love people we practice more tact than we then when we didn't like people and tact is a way of being able to be spiritually mature and it's another way of setting boundaries see if I can be tactful and say no if I don't think I can be tactful it means I'm in a desperate place I can't even be tactful cuz i'm so triggered that's not very good so i'm not going to be coming from the healthiest place but learning to be tactful gives me kind of permission to say wow i can breathe it a little bit let me step back a little because they're standing too close that's a boundary let me be tactful and say no I'm good and then they push and push and push yeah there's a point where you eventually say you know the proverbial what part of no do you not understand I don't know that I would word myself that way but if you did you're teaching them something if you're saying it out of hatred it's neither of you is doing but you practice not hating people you practice even triggering people non boundary people unhealthy people to to to be able to say I'm good and maintain that and if they push and push to be able to say no I said no and I'm not sure why you're not getting it see I'm trying to teach you that I just said no and you're not getting it instead of blaming them shaming them I'm gonna try to say it the way I hope that is gonna be a sort of an education you know so I hope that makes good sense and when you're when you're checking in because that you've heard me say you know you got to kind of check within to see whether something should be yes or no when you're checking in you know you you may or may not be able to hear some like blatant guidance you know spiritual guidance from God saying yes no you know from the heavens but just make sure something feels like the most good the most spiritual and psychological mature thing you could do is it something that's coming from old wounds then it's not you know if you're if you're complying with something that when you're triggered it's not a good thing but also if my wounds are causing me to look like I'm making right decisions like shutting you down and saying no but I'm doing it with hating you and shaming you and I feel superior because my counselor told me I need to say yes or no to all men or women or this or that it's still not coming from a healthy place it's better than putting yourself in danger granted but our goal is not just to survive it's to thrive to be able to be so healthy that people know what you're talking about they get it so you learn to say to people and they can feel it from you those people that push you a little further even your own kids they can sense sometimes that you're weakening and they keep keep going after it that's human ego nature but what we're trying to do is teach people I'm clear you know like no and you just come from such an absolute place there doesn't even have to be any volume to your voice it's just such a clear okay and they just walk away coin you know you know you don't keep pushing with that purse and that's pretty cool again cutting back on the the hating the reacting the shaming and I brought up shaming because shaming is one thing we accidentally do to others and ourselves sometimes not accidentally shaming though we do as a way of saying no to people we do it with shame no how dare you there's no reason to shame people try to be as loving as you can to come from a place that's you know look you know know this I'm good this doesn't work for me great enjoy that movie you know you don't have to say I I would never watch that kind of movie at a horror movie or something just say no I'm good man I'm hanging I'm gonna go home and then you know and just show how good you're doing show how well-adjusted you feel no I'm great man I'm gonna take a break and get some time tonight and meditate juice or whatever you want to say you know maybe meditation would be too far for them to hear but just coming from like show them what healthiness looks like you know oh you got to go out you haven't been out with people for a while you got to get out there and play the field and get a guy or girl in your life now I'm good you know if they see that weakening they're gonna keep pushing but instead when you when you teach them and say I actually feel really great I've never been healthier you know never happier someone working to believe you but you're planting a seed you're not saying you know the truth is you guys are all pretty much unhealthy and you keep dating and you're all promiscuous and you should knock it off you don't go that far but you can plant a seed saying you know it's a funny thing I feel great happier than I've ever been if they push and push and push you might have to plant a little more of an idea such as well when I think about it I look at the lives of a lot of people around me instead of saying you to them a lot of people around me I I feel a lot happier than most of them that are dating see and now I'm starting to plant seeds a little more a little more stab man a little more eight back off and then I'm jabbing you with some truth and then they might back off they might even get ticked off at you no problem cuz you were just telling the truth lovingly tactfully and that's a way of saying no I already told you no and you're pushing me to date somebody you want me to date no push push push no in fact you ought to think about the person you're because it doesn't look very good you know it's sometimes it goes that far it's sort of hard to explain these things but it's only hard for people to hear these things usually because of the compulsions and addictions they're already you know involved in and they don't want to be changing that they don't want to look at that sort of thing so as I'm going to start winding up the last few things I'm going to share one of them just one of them just a sort of a subtopic that I've already covered slightly but remember this is also you're learning to say no to yourself do not think Michael is doing one of those talks hey there's this viral talk you know on on YouTube that learning to say no cuz there's some out there I'm sure that people love that they love their egos love those kinds of videos because it it's it sounds like it empowers you and it does not all it does is sound empowering because its learn how to say no to abusive people in 10 easy steps I need that you know those make it big those kinds of videos and that's not gonna be me I'm saying learning to say no how to say no and the concept is these various techniques and tools boundaries and so on the explanation but also getting to the reality that this is also you at the end of it the highest level of know is saying no to yourself that's the highest not telling others others are just sort of a symptom of a problem here inside ourselves recognize you're actually saying no to yourself that's you know you're saying no because you have self-esteem you're saying no because you're developing willpower you need to learn to say no that's why you're doing it not I need to say no to you or to others like it's a wall you're gonna carry around with you no I need to learn how and why and when I say yes or no but both are valuable to me when your counselor says you have to say no say actually if you want to help me I'd like you to give me some tools and knowing how to better say whether it's saying verbally how to word myself or when and techniques and whatever teach me how to say yes and no teach me when and why how do learn to know when it's right to say yes and no I don't want to just be told how to build walls I want to be told how to navigate bridges past those walls with with other people and in so doing I know that I'm doing that with myself and again that you know the trick you know just not not being hateful another thing to say no to gossip you know I've talked about that here and there but say no to gossip if people are coming to you and talking about other people you don't know just kind of act disinterested and change the subject or walk away cuz it's kind of casual talk if they're talking about some other people sometimes you know but just to kind of change this subject or it's somebody you don't know when they're gossiping again look for bridging look for how to help them really your boss is like that really well what do you think the best thing you could do would be have you tried anything to change it turn it into a conversation like counselor without overtly being too obvious you're right turn it into something constructive instead of just really oh really I wonder if I know somebody that knows them you know I heard that they're they're their wife you know or their husband or their partner you know has been out and about and doing this and don't add to it man stop no how can I help can then see if it's walk away or if I can add something constructive meaning to help them rethink things another idea though is with gossip what if it's about someone you do know including yourself so you hear the gossip you know okay one thing I might do is they're talking about somebody I know that I might say okay I might ask the person I know maybe not tell them I heard gossip but if I do whether I do or don't either way I would go to the person and say is there you know find a way if there's a way to bring it up to to see how I can help them change that thing you know whatever it happens to be if people are gossiping about them oh they they don't wear deodorant they smell nobody wants to be around them they smell you know I might bring it up and say you know listen do you trust me as a friend you know I'd like to suggest this or that you consider this now they're either gonna say god I didn't realize I'm sorry or you know Phil that's okay then now we bridged and now we're in that kind of like Oh embarrassment together and we hug and say thank you you know for telling me and it's pretty cool sometimes they get offended you just have to be loving and tactful and say no that wasn't easy for me to say so I'd like you to hear me and really know that I was being vulnerable to come out there and say that I would be careful not to say and everybody else agrees it's a very tricky area to navigate but I would just find a way to put that out there and see if I can help them make a change if it's someone I know there's a third category however it could be someone I know including my it could be myself that people are gossiping about and I would just tell the truth they're saying you know I heard you did this for that just tell the truth no no no no that didn't happen here's kind of what did happen and sometimes you're gonna go oh no I heard or they're gonna say they heard from somebody else I'm the type as many of you know I'm the type that's gonna say okay I've heard you go on about this and I told you here's the truth but you or your friend that's gossiping doesn't want to change their opinion so first thing I would ask you to I'm asking you my friend is why do you have friends that would talk about me like that let's get to it why do you have friends at what oh well you know cuz friends are allowed to have their opinion yes yes that's true I'm just not interested in hanging around people that hate me or would say such things about me gossip is a form of personal assassination character assassination it's a form of evil it's it's it's a form of hurt and abuse which means your friend is being hurtful um use of an evil so why would you want to have them as your friend well you know and they get people get all tripped out about that and they well this is taking it too seriously no it isn't to me because I've said to you guys many times treat yourself with as much love and respect as you would your own child and if somebody were doing something like that hurtful to my child I would go to the extreme of calling somebody on it maybe the other parents get it to stop it continues then you call the school get that to stop its continues I'm homeschooling and I'm done I'm not going to fight to make you nicer people so and remember this step before this that I was saying it's you learning this isn't just about you being right and gossip people being wrong you're actually needing to love and care about yourself enough to say no to the gossipy people I'm not just telling you how to you know slam the door on them what you need to do I'm saying also look at what you're doing for yourself I'm standing up for myself because I'm a nice person and they're not that's not quite right that's how you'll feel sometimes vindicated no I but that's not what I'm looking for I'm looking for Wow I'm learning to actually speak up my father used to abuse my brother and I never spoke up about it Here I am saying you're done dude don't do that ever again I think it's great you know I understand I'm being generic because if you're 5 you can't get away with saying that to your father right but some of you I'm sure have tried but it doesn't go very well but within reason to be able to say no you know no way when I was in eighth grade a guy moved in to our area from another state and you know he just didn't fit in you know he didn't he didn't look the look cause you know everybody looks a certain way and we have a certain buzzin or any region you're from and someone comes in there dressed different they they wear almost like suit kinds of shoes because they come from a more conservative area suit kind of shoes and and plaid pants and you know this is middle school man it wasn't going to go well buttons shirts and you know wasn't gonna go well so people picked on him a lot and you know and I'm like oh god he's a neighbor he's that he just moved in next door or whatever and I'm like oh brother so rather than have my friends that are now some of the people picking on him I'm like okay I just walk over and stand by him and there were a couple times we were the midst of some fights and clothes to be fights because I chose him as my friend but I'm like I'm not standing up just for an underdog like it sounds I'm standing up for what's right and it was right that he not be picked on so it's that God brother here we go so I just go over there all right you know it's just almost purposefully acting a little bit more like him looking a little more like him just to say the eye is a wee now that guy he is a wee and so yep more more bodies to contend with if you're gonna try to thump him you know and pick on him or whatever and it was pretty cool that was rough for months but it is pretty cool you know after a while it's like yeah you know a lot more acceptance so all I know is stand up learn to say yes and no at the right times learn why you say yes and no have the guts to stay with your answer but also remember that you're part of the equation you're doing this not against other people you're also doing this and really it's primarily you're doing this for your own sense of worth your own sense of clarity your own sense of value honesty truth and it's pretty cool pretty beautiful if you think about it if ever you're in doubt that standing up for such a thing is is somehow wrong just trust me when I say that Jesus himself did it and would do it if he were in the same circumstance he would never enable rudeness or hurtful behaviors he would call people on it he did which is why they killed him and he's saying it's not that you're gonna be killed for being truthful on his clear loving but you'll have your version of it with people sometimes bad-mouthing you first standing up for what you believe but still the right thing to do so keep in mind all these pointers about you know what you're saying no to and and remember you're also saying no to your own addictions when I say you're saying no to some of your own stuff you are all so that's metaphorical but it's also literal you're sometimes learning to say no to your own addictions learning to say no watch yourself and say no I see what's happening I'm being compelled to eat again drink again sex again or whatever and learning to say no to it it's it's a feel this is all a topic that is so vast and so amazing it would be worth hours and hours of people getting together and chatting about it it's such a multi-leveled field going forward backward up-down left-right it's such a multi-leveled field to discuss or navigate I think it's incredible to be able to bring it to the table and say as a counselor as a parent as a partner as it whatever you know better boundaries and clarity needs to be there and I like I said I've taught sacred sexuality and there's schools and people individuals that practiced and taught sacred sexuality and I was the guy telling them no telling them ease up man stop just saying yes without teaching your clients how to say no as well so I was like that advocate but I was also not wanting to shame them because they're also teaching people you know to some of them to heal wounds and also how to embrace greater intimacy and I think that's such a beautiful thing I don't want to be the culprit who's trying to shut that down and be overly provincial in and shame people so there's no Michael as all this or Michael is all that it depends on the circumstance one client could have in those days when I was teaching that could have come to me and said you know I have a habit of saying yes the other one could have come and said I haven't have it as saying no I wouldn't have said one of them is right one of them's wrong I would have said both of them sound like their compulsions if that's what it was of course and I would have said why do you say yes let's look at this and heal it why do you say no let's look at it and heal it and I would get in there and navigate with them to you know to you know just to get there and navigate the the worst of the worst conversation that horrible past wounds and having to hear some of the most just wow you know terrible history for some people that got them to go into compulsive behaviors and patterns of yeses and noes and self wounding man it was just you know horrible fields to navigate at times but to see the levels of healing that would come from it oh my god honestly it's amongst all the different work I've that's been probably in some ways the most gratifying however knowing that it's also confusing to some people it's confusing to navigate such strained areas and judged areas that when you bring people to healing it can be very confusing even just bringing up the topic can be very confusing so seeing that also taught me I'm gonna say no now I said yes and worked with this and this and this this and now I'm gonna say no and step back from that and a lot of people have expressed you know why would you do that oh my god it was amazing great I know I know and to them I have to say Shh you know don't tempt me just like a child that you gave money to all the time I appreciate I do appreciate the thank-yous and the the praises and the testimonials I think it's great and the people that attend lectures that I've done on it or by the books that I've written on it I think it's great thank you thank you and I know that they get it almost every one of them they really do get it when they see my teachings on that but I also still had to say no and I have talks about that you can go and watch the talks on those topics and understand a little more but I did have to say no because the world is becoming so constricted in so many ways I sense that's a challenging thing that's coming to the world teachers healers a lot more a lot more judgment going that direction on spiritual people and all that so and I'm not saying run from it I'm just saying so you kind of just have to find out what works for you and doesn't and schedule-wise say no for me say having to say no a little more so I've have it had to re-evaluate and tighten things up a little bit schedule and decision wise and whatever I do so even body work almost never do I have a chance to do body work anymore and the body work I did worked you know even when I taught people things to do on themselves I mean they could go away going wow let alone just working on them because I could see the aches and the blocks and whatever in a body go right to him and open them up and they go oh my god I can walk you know or the spiritual counseling worked works on those things in there causation level rather than they're symptomatic body level it's great but I'm just working more and more at the deepest levels and not being able to and time was able to work on the more physical level of things that I once was happy to do and grateful to see the effects that it had that's just not where I'm at anymore okay so find what works for you and doesn't work for you know how to say it properly if possible if you slip and get a little edgy saying no to people at times you know it's okay just recognize it was a little raw for you and so you you can apologize if you were a little too raw with somebody but that doesn't mean you change your mind I know I was a little edgy but I still say no and so forth okay thanks guys for listening peace be with you bye bye

Channel: Michael Mirdad

Views: 4,583

Rating: 4.9289942 out of 5

Keywords: how to say no, saying no, set boundaries, learn to say no, setting boundaries, how to set boundaries, people pleaser, stop people pleasing, set boundaries in a relationship, set boundaries with others

Id: XiMvk3muMrg

Length: 64min 37sec (3877 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 22 2019