How to Say, "I'm Sorry"

welcome to the dear young married couple podcast today we're talking about how to say i'm sorry and we have four sometimes five ingredients for an apology that we're gonna share with you today but before we get into those ingredients we just want to talk about the approach what's the approach to an apology how should you approach your spouse when you want to apologize right and because we see a lot of clients a lot of people that have a lot of things to say i'm sorry about or forgiveness to be had um we get to see this done really well and we get to see this done poorly and we've personally done it very well and we've personally done it poorly when i think too like we're not always ready to or we're not in that mind space of humbling ourselves yeah and so this kind of puts us right into the first aspect that we need to talk about that will kind of i think this encompasses all the other steps the first part that we have to talk about is the approach um when you are approaching your spouse you need to think you know where you're doing it your body language that you're communicating a lot of different things so let's talk about just the approach first yeah so first of all proximity um make sure that you are close to your spouse when you are apologizing um if you are across the house you're across the room and you're like sorry like that's probably not going to do much the word sorry doesn't really mean anything if it's not healing the wound or if it's not reconciling what happened so so if you're wanting to truly ask for forgiveness apologize say i'm sorry regardless of the infraction and we'll talk about the different kinds of infractions but you need to have proximity so make sure that you are close to them that you're making eye contact yeah i think this was a difficult one for me um when we first got married because i didn't want her to hurt but sometimes when things were brought up um they were difficult for me to swallow i didn't feel like i did anything wrong or i thought she was overreacting right and so i didn't really necessarily want to mend things i just wanted to get over it like stop it and so this was a kind of a balancing act that we had to do she had to learn how to communicate her pain to me and i had to learn to say oh you know and realize i hurt her and i want to repair this [Music] so for me working on my pride was one of my first you know hurdles that i had to get over to to get to a good relationship with you and i think the other way around as well you know i mean when you come from um big families we're both the first of our siblings for the first of five kids you know you you're in the position of leadership a lot or sending it as an example and it's easy to think like i'm right um of course i am and that goes for anyone regardless of your birth order but um you know so humbling yourself is a big part of the approach you cannot ask for forgiveness genuinely if you don't come with a spirit of humility and so we both had to work on that and um we have to work with our clients on that now if there's been a huge breach and trust oftentimes not always but oftentimes the person seeking forgiveness does come with humility they are broken they're having a hard time even thinking that they're they're worthy of the relationship you know so that's a little bit different but if it's a a simple repair where it's just something that was you know it was forgetfulness then that that can sometimes be hard to take that stance of humility but you need to if you want to repair it right and and just disclaimer for everybody listening going oh this doesn't address my situation realize that there are a lot of different angles to come at this that's why we do counseling because sometimes videos and you know self-help fixes just don't help you see yourself yeah in the cycle that you're in but for the vast majority of people i think these um these steps really do run true yeah and they do work um chris had talked about proximity earlier i think i learned that um a little bit later on that how important and disarming it was for chrissa like if i if she's pained and i'm trying to repair just putting my knee my my hand on her knee or giving her a hug even when i'm saying myself sometimes like i don't come on you know let's get on but but she's pained and this is the stance we've been talking about kind of melds into the first ingredient of the apology acknowledging the pain that was caused so remember acknowledging the pain it's their pain so not it's not always that that you feel pain here it's it's does your spouse feel pain right now and acknowledging that that you hurt them this is a person that you love this is the person that you know you said vows to and all this right so acknowledging that like i see you're in pain i see that what i did or my actions or my neglect or whatever it was caused you pain or discomfort and we're using the word pain and it can sound kind of heavy or extreme um the reason why we're using the word pain is because the word sorry it's a western germanic word that comes from a word that means pained or sore right so that's that's what you uh keep in mind when you're saying i'm sorry you are trying to acknowledge the pain that was cause it's the you're you're acknowledging the soreness the heaviness the the brokenness of what happened now it could be something like you know oh so you went to costco right on your way home and then they're like oh no i forgot right and so it's not like oh i'm so pained that you didn't go to costco right but i do have an emotional response about that try to anticipate with that emotional response is right and i think when you're able to just just touch base with them and and really try to feel like put put their pain on your feet or walk walk a mile in their shoes yeah um you could really communicate and help get through that really quickly if you refuse to see it that normally the other person is gonna maybe be a little bit more adamant or loud in their pain sure so that you see it because we all want to be seen yeah um we always all want to be understood and seen by the other person especially so if that other person caused them pain they're going to make sure that the other person sees that so acknowledging the pain is one of the first points so a simple thing would be like man i see that i really messed up and i see that caused you a lot of uh just kind of and inconvenienced you what it is right so i was kind of going off of costco right oh yeah so you know me forgetting i know i said i would do it i'm i'm yeah that i know that's so frustrating for you that um i didn't do that there you go so and so he acknowledged the pain right by saying really frustration it's not like a deep wound here yeah you're just empathizing so that's step one acknowledge the pain that was caused step two is to take responsibility rather than saying ah come on you forget things too and going in defensiveness but instead just saying ah i messed up right like so the first step and i know that's frustrating and that i that i forgot to stop by costco i know you were trying to get stuff prepped for the dinner tonight for having friends over or for the party the birthday party tomorrow and it was important to have those things here you know and or whatever it was right and then the second step i messed up man so you're just owning it like don't put it off on someone else right just blame right we're pretty good at that [Laughter] i think everybody's pretty good at like shifting that because it's not fun to hold that because we um we're we're owning it we're saying we messed up and that's not a great emotion to feel well it's humbling right it's humbling right humble being humble is difficult yeah um so owning it you know i'm the one who did this i take responsibility i'm not pushing it off that really does help like okay they see it yeah right i don't need to keep pushing for you to see it you see it and then what is the next one the next one is to actually ask for forgiveness and so i mean again if we're talking about a quick repair of like being forgetful you could just say will you forgive me like just a quick question will you forgive me babe and as long as your tone is there your proximity is there your body language is in tune you're making eye contact and it's genuine um that that will actually help so um you know you can use the words i'm sorry that's okay um but really you want to ask for forgiveness will you forgive me that's an important piece because that's part of the repair that's taking the burden the load the blame and removing it so much of relationships is pattern seeing patterns in your spouse and um and in yourself sometimes i'm sorry as a trigger word maybe their parents overused it but never changed their actions so i'm sorry will hold absolutely no weight and he actually make them more frustrated yeah so that's just an example but be be very mindful of how your words affect them does that soothe it or does it make it worse if it makes it worse then let's you know win it there it's not in a i'm sorry moment try to figure out what's going on and how you can make restitution or figure this out better and that's the last step right to make restitution or to or just to make it better right so just so my son yesterday we went to the park and uh he looked there was this little kid playing having a great time he was like beating these flowers up on the ground and my son walked over just kind of looking at him like beating the flowers up on the ground and then he walks over he just kind of look at him and like hits him on his chest i'm like a little kid looks at my boy and goes i haven't heard this story yet but hey i'm like forest why did you do that and he just kind of looks at me walks over i'm like no go back and give him a hug so forrest walks over this boy doesn't know and gives him a hug and walks back and that's just an example of like how are you gonna make it better yeah right we don't let our kids get away with this stuff how are you gonna try to to fix the situation so if for example we're using the example of costco um you know if i didn't if i forgot go just all right fine you know i'll go and just do it really quickly don't say all right fine yeah delete this but um but go and and take care of it and that's that's making it right yeah and making it right sometimes is obvious like that like well then go back to costco and get it because you forgot it but if if it's not obvious just ask your spouse how can i make this right how can i make this better um i mean with our sun hitting so i didn't know about that until just with our son hitting a little boy you know you can't make it right by going to costco um you can't make it right by just like fixing what happened but you can go and you can hug him and you know say you're sorry did are you okay did that hurt you know and so just make it right so those are the four steps step one acknowledge the pain that was caused right step two own your stuff own it don't don't push it off and then step three ask for forgiveness that's where you can actually say i'm sorry if sorry is not a trigger word okay and then ask for forgiveness and then step four how can i make this better now we mentioned at the beginning that there were four sometimes five ingredients um for um saying i'm sorry for an apology and so why do we talk about possibly a fifth ingredient so um for deep wounds uh and this is not by any means like trying to heal things like affairs and you know pornography you know that coming out in a marriage uh but for deep a little bit deeper stuff sometimes that self-loathing that comes isn't healthy it just kind of erodes inside of you so um forgiving yourself is also a very big process in making things right because you holding now a huge burden isn't um equalizing a relationship you know it's not it's not helping us come to you know being whole again it actually just weights it down because then you're less you're less likely to i don't know perform at your best and just interact and and have meaningful conversations because you're just sometimes in a dark hole if if you can't forgive yourself and so and when you're in a dark hole it's easier to not do some of the things that you need to do to make a relationship good exactly part of forgiving yourself it will first of all it's a process right it can't happen just like that but part of forgiving yourself is supernatural you need to go to the lord in prayer and as you seek forgiveness from your spouse you're also working on forgiving yourself and releasing that to the lord and um claiming your identity in christ and not as that lying cheating you know dirty whatever those adjectives are that you've tried to put on yourself right and and one little last tip here that's actually pretty big for the person saying sorry if your spouse does forgive you let's say they do forgive you but there are still things that they expect you to do that's not them not forgiving you right that's them not trusting you it's different trust and forgiveness are two different things um remember that forgiveness is you them pardoning you they're not gonna hold that against you for the rest of your life they're not gonna use that as you know ammunition in your next fight um so that's what true forgiveness is we don't bring that back up we don't keep you know using this as leverage um but there are maybe some things making restitution there that you might have to do for a little bit to get back to being whole in your relationship for trust if there is a big right so remember there is a difference between trust and forgiveness and so you know be stay humble and be willing to keep fighting for that relationship yes and we have a lot of resources by the way if that's the situation you find yourself in where we're not talking about a quick repair and just you know saying i'm sorry well but you're talking about a deep process of seeking and granting forgiveness because of a breach and trust you can go to our website and the resources page we have a link there um five steps when trust has been broken which is a fabulous little pdf and video series that will send you to kind of help guide you on those are for bigger wounds yeah but they will help yes so take advantage of that and we'll link that in the show notes too if that's where you find yourself um but the process we talked about today is more about the everyday stuff that we go through where we need to do quick repairs but we need to do it well and so we hope that you found that helpful if you are watching on youtube today um be sure to like and subscribe it helps the video reach many many more couples yes it does and if you're listening on podcasts please leave a review it really does help the channel out and helps more people find us thanks guys we'll see you next time [Music] bye you

Channel: Dear Young Married Couple

Views: 4,750

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Id: bDcsz2uXihE

Length: 16min 51sec (1011 seconds)

Published: Thu May 06 2021