How to Relieve the Stress of Caring for an Aging Parent: Amy O'Rourke at TEDxOrlando

how many of you in here raise your hand can easily recognize the two-year-old rich Han all right now how many of you in here could easily recognize an 85 year old raise your hand this is the topic of my talk today I'm going to talk about caring for the late life elder and taking the stress out of it and I appreciate your time and attention all of us do here today thank you that means a lot I have a master's degree in public health administration and I have a master's degree in gerontology and I've worked with older adults for 30 years but most importantly I love working with older people I love it the first job I had out of college I was 21 years old I was the assistant activity director in a 21 bed nursing home and every day I'd walk down the hall and I'd go into Amelia's room that's Amelia with an e she would say that every day I'd walk in the room and I would say Amelia it's time to go to bingo or arts and crafts and she would say honey I want to die and I would say if that's not going to happen in the next few minutes would you consider going to bingo and she would laugh and she hit me on your arm and off we'd go I was hooked so in thinking about this topic lowering stress caring for older adults I've come up with three areas that I think deserve attention one is the denial of reality the second is knowing some basic ground rules and the third is accepting it as a lifestyle change now I have children that say to me you know I didn't expect this this has been a rude awakening I just didn't expect this this is a lot of stress and their parents are 85 I think with my 30 years why are you surprised how is that surprising but when I stopped and thought about it we live in a youth-obsessed culture were youth obsessed we've got anti-aging creams we've got surgeries you know what I'm talking about we'd love to read stories in the paper about 85 year olds who graduate from college and 100 year old that climbs Mount Everest well you know Condoleezza Rice was offered the position of Secretary of State and she almost turned that job down you know why because her father had had a stroke and she didn't know if she could do that job and take care of her father and I do believe that's not widely known Hillary and Bill Clinton we all know Chelsea we watched Chelsea grow up we watched her go to college we certainly watched her get married Hillary lost her mother when her mother was 92 years old and when I read that in the paper I ate for Hillary Hillary has said publicly that her mother was the most influential person in her life and here Hillary was in the public eye caring for her mother and we didn't know it it wasn't written about why is that we're scared we're afraid we're afraid of death you know what the number one fear in this country is its public speaking true statement that's a true statement second is fear of death we're afraid of endings we're afraid of seeing our parents grow smaller do you know you lose five inches yes you do the little old lady that's a real thing we're afraid of seeing our parents get smaller more diminished shaky judgement walking slower we're scared so we deny it we pretend it's not there we don't want to face it second is knowing some ground rules now this picture is lousy it's very grainy very grainy but I kept it up here because the woman Doris used to work for me and Richard works in our office and we had them staged the picture as role reversal ground rule number one role reversal get this in your mind three words you ready big fat lie role reversal never should happen we never become our parents parents and if you try you won't do so well try it go ahead so Doris is sitting here and we're doing this shot in my office and Doris is squirming and she's mad and I think she's really getting in this like some role play or something she's she's into it we got halfway through the shot and she's really mad she says my daughter Connie talks to me that way and I can't stand it Wow I wouldn't want to be Connie so a few weeks later I get a call from Connie Connie says thank you for the experience you gave my mother at your office she called me up and she said Connie you give me so much you help me so much but I don't like how you talk to me I don't like it you boss me around and Connie heard her she said thank you I know I do it and I'm going to work on it and the two of them are forging a new way of relating at this time of life and I felt so happy for them my friend Carol who has an 8 year old in the six year old and parents father with Alzheimer's and a mother with mental illness says Amy that's not right I do tell my parents what to do I said no Carol you don't you don't you are responsible for them but you have worked on a way of communicating to help them manage this time of life without insulting them by telling them what to do and it takes some work ground rule number two I know there's people from the hospital in this audience today and I know that you will agree with me older people and hospitals don't always get along when you're a frail older person you it's like an echo system one thing goes wrong it can be calamitous so going into the hospital for an older adult is a major decision don't minimize it they go into the hospital hospitals are fast they're bright staff running in and out and an older person moves slowly thinks slowly and they can collide so your the question you should ask yourself is number one if they're going to have all these tests and not do the surgery as a result of all these tests get them out I just love the slide that's why it's up there it's called innocence and experience the last ground rule is that aging is a one-way transition it's one way I met with a daughter and her mother in my office my office is at the far end of the hall and the mother is a spinal stenosis on a walker she took a long time to get to my office we got down there and sat down I let the daughter go first and the daughter starts talking about what she would want and in some of the things she was saying she said I want my mother to go to the gym five days a week and I feel like going like this because I can tell the mothers like rage you know the gym so I'm I'm looking at the the daughter I look over at the mother and I know that this daughter cannot face the fact that her mother is where her mother is she's not going backwards kids want the parents to go backwards they want them to get to where they were and they miss where they are so I look over at the mother and I said well I can tell you kind of got you mad what is it that you want she says I'd like to go to the movies so I think we can arrange that so there's a famous author that wrote when her mother was sick she says I wish someone had told me that I would have all these decisions to make and none of those decisions would affect the outcome none of them and that the most important thing for me is to be there is to be there so the ground rule is aging the one way transition and lastly the last thought I will leave you with is this is a lifestyle change having elder parents is a lifestyle change you have a child and you hopefully in 18 to 22 years you raise them and they go out the door hopefully I won't go in that direction I'll stay with what I'm talking about so then you got about ten years off ten years of freedom if you will then becomes a responsibility for your parents whether they live in the same town as you the responsibility begins and the kids that have actually less stress are the ones that have accepted it you know we live in such a fast-paced society now don't we I mean we just go go go being with an older person is really an opportunity to slow down try to try to rush an older person try it you can't do it so you have to be there you have to slow down I kind of think about it like a form of meditation so I was walking up to Helens house Helen's 100 I walk up the steps I walk into the kitchen she's in the kitchen she's seated and I walk in I sit down and I said hi nice to meet you and she leans forward and she's got this big beautiful face but it's big and she's got white swept up hair kind of like a q-tip what stop she says to me what is it you think you can do for me I just got here I I don't know she leans back in her chair and she says I don't know why I'm still here and I my heart just and I said maybe maybe you're here because I needed to meet you maybe you're here because I needed to see and experience you and she leaned forward and she took her hand and that moment is still with me so I would say to you this is a rare opportunity a very very rare opportunity don't miss it thank you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 201,722

Rating: 4.7398906 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxOrlando, caregiver, tedx talks, tedx talk, tedx, ted talks, ted talk, home care, care giving, aging parents, in-home care, elderly parents, TEDx, Amy Cameron O'Rourke, ted, adult children, ted x

Id: 4c2grKhiKEw

Length: 14min 31sec (871 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 29 2012