HOW TO MOVE ON -- WITHOUT GETTING CLOSURE! - Kevin Nahai

[Music] adventures are heaven see [Music] save me baby save me [Music] what's up guys I'm Kevin - hi welcome back to my youtube channel and on today's episode we are going to be discussing a difficult concept that I know all of us have dealt with which is closure getting closure in relationships or actually lack thereof and more specifically how to move on from a relationship or from somebody that you are dating without getting closure that's really the tough part and that's where I hope that I can help so what is closure first of all closure is an answer closure is an explanation for why essentially something didn't work out closure is the vehicle that allows you you think in your mind to move on from that scenario or that person it's the denouement at the end of the play when all of the strands of the plot are tied together and matters are resolved or so we think right and why do we need closure why do we seek it so badly the reason is that human beings need answers we are incredibly bad at tolerating uncertainty we are incredibly bad at tolerating ambiguity and it gives us a sense of safety and comfort to know why something didn't work out the issue with trying to get closure is that sometimes you will get answers you might have a situation where somebody is brutally honest with you and tells you the truth about why something's not working out but you still won't feel that you've gotten closure because you don't like the answer if somebody tells you the answer but you think it's completely senseless or idiotic or you think that they're being irrational you think that they're making a mistake now you have your answer but you don't have closure you don't feel that it's resolved you still feel that internal tension because you don't like the answer right so the question is how do we deal with this how do we move on from a relationship without the expectation of closure look I've had three relationships in my life I've gotten closure from none of them my high school girlfriend cheated on me and that destroyed my soul my girlfriend of four years we broke up for reasons that I thought were completely stupid I still don't even really know why we broke up and why that relationship ended and my third relationship during the break-up the girl was so cold and detached and heartless and insensitive that I still carry a little bit of hurt and a little bit of anger and resentment from that and I still don't have full closure because of her actions so the point is I can't be walking around all the time expecting somebody to give me an answer why something didn't work out right if I spend my time seeking closure from everywhere I apply to a job they write back they say you didn't get the job and they don't tell you why if I spend my time trying to dissect it and figure it out and then seek solace from finding the answer I'll never feel comfortable with who I am I'll never feel comfortable with the fact that I tried my best I did what I could and it just didn't work out so three steps that I want you to give them I want you to give these a try first step is accept that there is no closure okay in dating and relationships it's not as if you got sick you went to the doctor the doctor diagnosed the problem and gave you a prescription for some medication that will help you get better in dating and relationships we are emotionally fraught we're involved there's no medical scientific analytical intellectual reason for why things didn't work out and also people don't always feel that they owe you an explanation sometimes you know they just decide they want to move on and and I don't think that's the right thing to do but if that's their prerogative you can't spend your time worrying about why they're not giving you an answer you got to accept the fact that you're not going to get closure step two stop thinking it's all about you when something ends when we get fired when we get rejected when we don't get the job we want when the girl breaks up with us whatever it might be we always have this fixation in our mind that it was something that we did but it involves another human being or several human beings it might be 50% about you and 50% about the other person it might be 10% about you and 90% about the other person but in any case it's not all about you right so don't sit there and beat yourself up and think that the reason that that this ended has so much to do with you you're dealing with another person and their emotions and it's not all about you and step 3 is definitely the hardest one I'm still working on this with certain people in my life forgive don't forget you don't have to justify their behavior you don't have to exonerate their behavior but you have to forgive the people that you feel you deserve some closure from my first girlfriend as I said I forgive her for cheating on me because she was like 16 years old and she was young and stupid you know my second girlfriend that I was talking about I forgive her for the fact that she grew in a different direction and I grew in a different direction and our paths just you know diverted my 3rd girlfriend I forgive her for the fact that she's so out of touch with her own emotions that that's the way she chose to handle herself I forgive her for the fact that she hurt me because she's hurt inside you know I don't have to make excuses for those people I don't have to say that it's okay but something that has helped me get a feeling of closure without actually getting real closure is forgiving you know when you don't forgive somebody it's like holding on to a hot coal you're just waiting for the time that you throw that hot coal at them but you're actually getting burned the entire time forgiveness is hard it's not something I can explain in just a simple 10 minute you know it's something that takes years to work on but forgiveness really has given me a sense of closure without actually having the so-called closure of getting the answers and the resolution and knowing why everything worked you know when that went down the way that it did so anyway I hope this was helpful please like and comment and subscribe let me know if you want to talk about your relationship or dating issues and I'll see you guys on the next video

Channel: Kevin Nahai

Views: 2,303

Rating: 4.9039998 out of 5

Keywords: health, mental health, healthcare, self care, the other side, positive, life coach, overcome, strive for greatness

Id: oRAgWsIuSfU

Length: 7min 34sec (454 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 28 2019