How to Listen and Influence Like a Hostage Negotiator | Michelle Kelley | TEDxPortsmouth

shortly before the September 11th attacks I was on a flight to the West Coast when the flight attendant asked the gentleman sitting next to me to join the pilot at the back of the plane the man looked puzzled you're the FBI special agent right the flight attendant asked hearing this I leaned in and I said it's me you're looking for I'm the FBI special agent you may relate to the flight attendant's confusion I know I look more like a second grade teacher ironically I was one for eight years but then in a very logical career move I became an FBI special agent hostage negotiator for 21 years I was having difficult conversations with criminals in terrorists Believe It or Not sometimes talking to a second grader wasn't all that different today I'm going to share with you what those difficult conversations taught me about listening how to listen and what to listen for so you can listen like a hostage negotiator but let's get back to the flight I followed the flight attendant to the back of the plane to meet the pilot shouldn't he be flying the plane I thought the pilot clearly agitated pointed to a young woman dressed in Elise camisole and a pair of jeans who called herself spice I looked at the young woman ER she's been smoking in the bathroom arrest her she could be a terrorist trying to set the plane on fire I looked at the young woman sitting as small as she could in her seat with her arms crossed in front of her and I sat down next to her she was also surprised there was an FBI agent and it began his all have as hostage negotiators do with an open-ended question one that invites more than a yes or no answer you look scared what happened I know a little bit but I want to hear it from you it took me back to my days of teaching second grade when a kid would come in crying from the playground I put the mid-ease and figure out what had happened spice told me that she was upset because the pilot and the flight attendant had treated her unfairly she was clearly mad but also scared and as spice talked I just listened occasionally adding a mm-hmm oh small words that encourage someone to keep talking and as she continued to talk spice noticeably relaxed she told me she was nervous to fly and that smoking calmed her nerves and even though I wanted to know her real name and tell her smoking in the bathroom wasn't smart I kept my Curiosities and opinions to myself and continued just to listen and this is how I learned that far from being a terrorist spice who finally told me her real name was just 17 years old and she was on her way to meet Big Daddy to drive to Las Vegas and make a lot of money and as you can guess the money was not coming from playing the slot machines if I had just arrested spice and not listened to the insights that she shared the outcome would have been very different listening to gain understanding and build trust isn't easy you have to focus lean in be patient and listen for what someone will share if they're allowed to talk and perhaps most importantly you have to defer judgment and keep your opinions to yourself because things are not always what they seem and now unto Bob the bank robber how did we know Bob was a bank robber he told us who admits to arriving a bank someone who is allowed to talk it was a cold snowy Friday evening and after a quick investigation the FBI determined that Bob our potential suspect in a bank robbery had fled North to a run-down cabin we called Bob and asked him to come outside to answer a few questions Bob refused and threatened to turn on the gas stove to blow the cabin end himself up we knew if we had any chance of getting him out alive we had to keep them talking so we let him holler about how he wanted to be left alone and we just listened resisting the urge to ask questions why Express opinions offer advice to try to solve his problems or demand that he come out the longer we listened the more we could hear Bob calm down he stopped hollering and started rambling and we continued just to listen um and reflected back what we heard sounds like because the secrets and what makes a person tick are in the ramblings and this is how Bob told us he robbed not just one but four Banks three more than we knew about Bob not only confessed the bank robberies he also asked us what we would do if we were him this is the kind of trust and understanding that attentive listening creates listening for an understanding of Bob's emotions values beliefs motivators what makes and what made him tick gave our team valuable insights to persuade Bob to come out of the cabin something he did of his own volition Bob told us he came out of the cabin because it was the first time anybody had ever truly listened to him and let him talk without interrupting he even thanked us and then apologized for making us stand out in the cold the little does Bob know hostage negotiators always find a warm spot with a cup of coffee and a bathroom nearby after all the right setup can help us listen better one last story about what listening can accomplish Mr Smith his socks and the value of listening for clues in the questions when the FBI goes to arrest someone who is a danger to the community we want the arrest to be brief smooth and fast get in and get out before the neighbors of the news media know we are in town we set up a perimeter and we place a phone call to the suspect in this case our potential suspect Mr Smith didn't answer our first two calls but then he did something surprising he called us back that never happens when I answered the call a Stern voice said who is this and why are you calling so early despite his belligerent tone I introduced myself as Michelle from the FBI and even though he knew why we were there amazingly after 10 minutes of small talk he agreed to come outside but then Mr Smith got to the door stopped and he went back in the uncertainty about what was going to happen next caused our team to have what we call the pucker Factor your whole body tenses up including your butt cheeks did he go back inside to get a gun would he refuse to come back out after a few very tense seconds Mr Smith asked can I put my socks on it's cold outside and then he mumbled something about this being the last time he would be able to do this I wanted to say what your socks are you kidding me but this would have only escalated the situation so instead we focused on what his question told us see when a person asks a question they reveal what is important to them and his request was not so much about the desire to keep his feet warm but to have some control Izzy gave up his freedom and even though the team didn't like the delay I said sure Mr Smith you can put your socks on and then he calmly walked out the door when you understand what is important to someone it influences the outcome hostage negotiators consider themselves hostage persuaders because listening to understand is what influences the outcome listen understand influence so the next time you were in a meeting write down the questions so you can see what's important to the other person resist the temptation to judge or offer advice when someone comes to you with a problem and when someone might not be telling you the whole story keep them talking using mm-hmm sounds like take it from my now 11 year old son who has learned some of my negotiator techniques and even uses them on me he knows if you are not early you are late and it when I yell hurry up let's go he responds mom sounds like you're frustrated we're running late I'm gonna put my sneakers on and we will be out the door in no time thank you very much for listening foreign

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 9,119

Keywords: Communication, English, Leadership, Life, Personal growth, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:52264]

Id: RQVl1nmuyq4

Length: 10min 14sec (614 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 26 2023