How To Equip and Grow Resilient Children with Dr. Daniel Amen

yay networks it starts with you right you want to be you want to raise mentally strong kids you have to be mentally strong because if you don't model the message you suck as a messenger there that's a that's a good ending that's like the tagline for this podcast [Applause] [Music] I'm so happy to be here in your new space it's beautiful thank you so much what a joy to see you you too um so before this I was just telling you that I'm almost I'm I'm pretty much finished with a book but I wish I had this book before I had London and Riley and I say that very seriously I actually called my sister who has three children I said Ashley you need to download this book right away and then I told my sister who's getting married in September I said you need to read this book before you have children and I really believe that everybody should go and get this book because oh my goodness I already started implementing some of the things that you're talking about in this book and I'm going to share an example with you later but it's amazing so I wanted to start from the beginning on why why why this book why now and what is your relationship with uh Charles Fay kids are in historic trouble and you know every generation says that about their kids except this one's true the incidence of brain and mental health problems has skyrocketed anxiety depression 57% of teenage girls report being persistently sad 24% have planned to kill themselves I mean this is stuff that has never been seen before in human history and the way out is through relationship the way out is through bonding and attachment with parents and brain health and that's why I love this book so much because Charles Fay my co-author is the president of the love and logic Institute which I think before this book was the best parenting program on the planet was actually developed by his father Jim Fay and when Chloe our 20-year-old who I'm so in love with when she was a child we used to always say to each other my wife and I that she's going to be the leader of a gang or the leader of the Free World that's what I see about my eldest oh my gosh and what happened is is there hope so I think she's going to be the leader of the Free World um she works 5 days a week she's going to college full time she gets keep continues to get promoted she's just an awesome human being that is completely responsible for her own life and I think when I was a young parent um I did way too much for my kids and I I think that was out of my low self-esteem that I would feel good by solving their problems but what I came to believe is I was actually stealing their self-esteem because you get self-esteem from being competent and uh when you teach kids to solve their own problems they feel good about themselves like for example if they come and say mommy I'm bored you know so many mommies go oh well you could do this or you could do that go get a book and rather than oh you're Bor I wonder what you're going to do about it and then let them solve it rather than you filling the void in them with your experience your wisdom your knowledge allow them time to develop it for themselves I love that I think one of the things that you taught me in my own parenting Journey is to be curious and I think that's one of the greatest gifts that we can give our kids is as a parent if you're curious and you just keep asking these questions like you just showed um by example it helps us our parents it helps the kids solve their own problems which I I did this last night with my older one who is getting you know bullied at school and and she had a just a complete melt down cuz I had asked her something but once I got under the the hood of it it was she was being you know someone called her an ogre or someone these kids kids are just can be so mean and so instead of saying I'm going to call the school do you want me to do send an email I said oh how did that make you feel and then I went through the ants right I taught myself the ants right CU I'm reparenting myself at this stage of my life and it was amazing to see how we were able to turn the situation around so I say that because I know the tools that you have given me working with me and also that are in this book they work and it's really really magical to see even bonding with my kids at this stage cuz I you know I say to myself like oh they're 14 and 10 is it too late and I think a lot of parents think that as well you know and from what I take is that it's never too late no and you'll be a parent of them until the day you die right parents of young kids think oh you know I only have until they're 18 or I only have until they're 21 it's like you know my mom still parents me and she's 92 years old um so I think better to start ear and whenever you get this information now is the time to start and I love what you said be curious not furi ious so rather than overreacting in a situation just take a step back and go I wonder why that happened and if if you can detach from the rage you feel inside as a parent as a Mama Bear right yeah and just get curious and teach Riley to be curious I wonder why they said that um and then of course teaching her to kill the ants the automatic negative thoughts that steal your happiness one funny example Chloe was at work at uh when she was a Hostess and this really difficult person came up and demanded a table now and and she's got the will will of steal and so she's very kind didn't let him sort of get in front of other people and right in front of her boss he called her a bad name so called her the b word bad name and Chloe looked at her boss and she said he's not wrong so rather than get her feelings hurt she owned it which just completely diffused the whole situation and I just think it's hysterical you know somebody calls you the b word and they're go yeah I can see that that's actually a great response I actually really like that um so in chapter one you talk about one of the main things is is what do you want can you talk a little bit about understanding as parents what we want and then including our children in those conversations that's the first step and anything you do that's worthy it's what's the goal what do I want what do I want with my relationships my physical health my emotional health my spiritual health my work my money okay what do I want you have to tell your brain especially the front part of your brain which is involved with focus and forethought judgment follow through what kind of parent do I want to be and what kind of children do I want to raise because then everything you say and everything you do comes from intention so you're not just angry at a child cuz they pushed your button and maybe kids are masterful at pushing buttons they know every button on your body and they push it repeatedly um so when your buttons get pushed you're like okay what's the goal and for me it's to be firm I say something I mean it I back it up and kind and if you just remember those two words almost all of your decisions as a parent will be good firm and kind I've been doing that a lot lately and and I want to be present my dad was gone with my whole childhood which meant he didn't have any influence over me there is a part in there how to make your child a republican a Democrat or anything you want and basically the idea is about influence and bond right and bonding spending time with them you have no influence without connection yeah I I I see that everywhere not only in my relationship with my children children um and and other parents around me but it's true it's I think back to my childhood and I I had a really good bond with my dad you know I really did I I and I I see how he pops in my head throughout the day or throughout my life or when I'm making a big decision I'm like wait that wasn't my thought that was my dad and it's true I I so I've I appreciate that um so so much [Music] the second thing that you talked about is so when you're spending time with your children right I feel like this is really important how do you go about spending quality time because when you you you bond with your children by spending quality time so what are some you know rules that you like to follow with Dr Fay when it comes to Quality time I know you talk about 20 minutes so so the first thing is know what you want mhm so goals the second thing is bonding right this is the way out of this Mental Health crisis that we're in hold the screens like don't give them screens because the evil ruler will steal their soul uh so get rid of the screens and spend time with them and listen to them so bonding requires two things time actual physical time without screens and a willingness to listen so something called active listening and so when I was a young child psychiatrist this was just magical for my patients If the parents would spend 20 minutes a day do something with your child that the child wants to do and during that time no commands no questions no directions it's just time to not boss them around but to be in their space and let them unfold and parents go but he won't say anything well then you don't say anything right at some point somebody get uncomfortable and they'll talk right but and then when they talk don't use it as an excuse to pour your wisdom down their little Brains it's just repeat it back and listen and you know I me can you imagine when you were little you're one of how many three I'm the middle child yeah me too um that's why we get along so well I mean I'm one of seven okay quite frankly nobody listened to me growing up nobody was really that interested and can you imagine if somebody would just like really want to sort of get in your head and understand what was going on with you rather than telling you you're wrong or giving you another way to do it and so I give the example in the book if my son came home and wanted to have blue hair I'm like my dad I don't know what your dad would have said but I know what my dad would I could tell you a story when I came home with purple hair I told my mom I was going to the hair salon for highlights and I came home with purple hair and hit the fan but please carry on now if I told my dad I want to have blue hair he'd say there's no goddamn way in hell as long as you live in this house you're going to have blue hair and but what what does that do it stops the conversation or it starts a fight active listening which is what therapist do is just repeat back what you hear and then shut up it's like oh you want to have blue hair then my son might say yeah all the kids are wearing it that way now I've been to a school and I know there's not a lot of blue-headed people there but what would your dad would have said if you said all the people are we doing that well I know what mine would have said there's I don't care what anybody else is doing as long as you live in my house you're not going to have blue hair if they're going to jump off a bridge are you going with them again shuts the conversation down or starts a fight oh sounds like you want to be like the other kids and then be quiet and he'll go you know sometimes I feel like I don't fit in that's the conversation you actually want to have not and you just have to sort of get through the smoke screen M of it and it's like oh you feel like you don't fit in now my mother would have said what do you mean you don't fit in you're a good-looking boy you're a nice boy of course you fit in and that's not helpful either now if at the end of the half an hour he wanted to have blue hair I'm going to tell him no goddamn way in hell is Al he lives in my house because it's not good to look weird right weird people attract weird people but right well and I I I went through this with London a couple years ago and she wanted blue hair and I'm like but you're like a nice little Jewish girl you're not gonna be running around with like blue hair and then I stopped myself and I was like ew did I just say that I was really like disgusted because when I was I remember in ninth grade I went through an emo phase and I had you know I loved AB line and I was so I was like a deeply feeling kid and I was like buying brand new Converse and stomping on them to make them look dirty and all I wanted was to be ever living CU I just connected with her then I remember my parents just I wasn't allowed I was a good little Mormon girl right just like I had told London and I said wait a second that's not fair how did that make me feel and so I said you know what this isn't about London and W the way that she wants to express herself this is how I feel inside about myself and my childhood and maybe what other parents would think of me so I I said okay you know what let's do blue hair for sleep away camp and I said but after sleep away camp we're dying it back when you go back to school we're not doing blue hair okay okay okay then the fall came around and it was faded and she goes now I want to have purple hair and I was like No And then I said but why why what is it going to hurt her if the school allows it if it's okay with the school why not if that makes her feel so good stepping on to campus with purple hair and she feels different or or whatnot so I did and still to this day I'm I'm in there with the gloves putting on some cool music we're we're dying hair I mean literally there's hair color all over my bathroom sink I'm like do not touch anything but it's it makes her feel good and when I see her look in the mirror and she's so excited that she has turquoise or purple or whatever it just that's like it didn't hurt anyone my 92-year-old mother has purple hair no oh yeah we had the memorial for T's mother who died recently and my 92-year-old mother shows up with purple hair and the coolest stockings like she's always look amazing so you have to you know as a parent you have to decide what are the boundaries cuz that's your job right that's why God gave us parents so we could have guidance until our own frontal loes develop which unfortunately for human species is not until about 25 and for boys 28 and for boys a little bit longer oh W I know so you think of all these kids getting married when they're 21 it's probably not I got married at 19 the best idea right I think if you I have two kids so whatever if you look back you go my brain wasn't quite developed no and sometimes I'm like is it still developed I'm not quite sure um one of the things you did talk about is going back to what you're saying before is spending quality time and and not even talking you talk about when kids change the rules um to games and I feel like there's a lot of parents out there could actually relate to this cuz when you're playing shoots and Ladder or what whatever game Life whatever it is kids like even Uno sometimes Riley makes up her own rules and I'm just like let's Google let's call let's call a friend let's see what the and it's like why why so we do that often we have all sorts of rules in our games when it comes to like Uno and stuff letting them make up some of the rules and then it's like oh well we'll play by your rules at least during special time right I mean if they're cheating at other times probably should call them out on it because if they cheat at schol that's going to be big problems for them um but during that time the goal right everything with intention the goal is connection so last night I did something with London and I'm probably going to get in trouble for doing this over a text message with her but I'm curious to know what you think see where's London so London is 14 and she is you know can be Jackal and Hy sometimes but we love her and sometimes it's like what London am I getting um and I'm you know I've talked about this too London has special needs and 0 ADHD and she's on the Spectrum and um so one of the things that I have not just being a typical kid and wanting to not hang out with her mom she also has has high high anxiety which I find a lot of times she's just in her room with the lights out and she wants to be left alone and she's listening to music or she you know is working on an ed puzzle so I read a chapter in here and I and and maybe this was about the bonding where you actually give examples on what to say to your kids and I love this because I think a lot of the times not to speak for other parents for myself sometimes just having the words is super help F so I said to her I feel we haven't had enough time together when you're with me because she's in a split home you're important to me let's spend some special time together what would you like to do with me I just put it out there just out of curiosity she's in her room I'm in my room and she replies can we go somewhere I was like oh this is heading in a good direction I said sounds like a great IDE idea what do you have in mind and she wrote can we go to Target and I said great any other ideas cuz I'm thinking at this point I want non like I don't want to pull out my credit card I want to I don't want to pull out cash like I just want well it's 20 minutes it's like what can we do in 20 minutes right right so so she goes I really been wanting to go to The Grove in Los Angeles I said is there something we could do together for 20 minutes that could be our special time anything that requires not getting in a car and then she stormed in the room she goes I'm in the other room why are you asking me this I said because I want she goes and then because at that point she had been bully during the day it what I realized that she wanted without telling me that she wanted she wanted to tell me about her day and so the tears came and the the once I got under the hood right I peeled back the onions it was she wanted 20 minutes of time when at that point Riley had come in got in my bed and she' just Riley get out of the room and I said okay Riley I need 20 minutes with your sister and we sat and we talked for 20 minutes and it was the most beautiful 20 minutes I mean that's literally that's all I wanted I said you want to get in bed which she's like doesn't want to be in my bed do you want to go for a walk she just wanted to tell me about her day that's it could you imagine if you did that every day and she felt like that was her time with you it's like money in the emotional Bank yeah and especially if you've had emotional challenges or learning challenges you know almost every day is stressful for you um and if she feels like she's connected it protects her against you know a lot of the evil things that are out in the world and I think even though she wanted to go to Taren she wanted to go to the Grove because we have we live in a society where it's like oh we'll do a little retail therapy or she'll see me doing it or maybe her dad or or whatever it is it's like her inner child right really just wanted to you know I call it diara of the mouth where you just vomit everything emotionally she wanted connection she wanted connection yeah and so thank you for that because yesterday she really needed it and I think going on this path with both of my kids and when people read this book and you understand the importance of bonding and connecting it's just 20 minutes out of our day that's it and so many women especially feel guilty because they're working and then you know like we're at three almost four generations of tired women because here in California 90% and of mothers also work outside of the house they're primary caretakers for the kids they're primary caretakers for the house right you know this and you're chronically tired but you also chronically feel guilty that you don't have enough time for them so this is not a lot 20 minutes and if you do it consistently you get more attached and it's this attachment that is protective unless you've not done your own work and you have a strong negativity bias where you're focused on what's wrong about your life the kids then that time could be stressful for the kids so I always say and you've done a really great job of working on yourself and so that you don't have to leak all over the tids yeah and um and it happens I'm human there are days where I'm like okay you know what I need a timeout I need to give myself a timeout and so my kids know when I shut my door which I there's we don't shut doors in our house but when Mom's door is shut it's like unless it's an emergency or someone's bleeding you don't need to use my bathroom you have a bathroom right like the kids love to do [Music] that let's talk about rules yeah the left side of my brain goes in order um Clarity goals bonding rules it's like we live in a society of rules and I think it's okay for families to have rules and in love and logic there's only one rule don't make a problem I love that rule but you know the rules sign in my house the rules I post in my house if if you have a tantrum to get your way the answer is no it's always going to be no go for it it's so important not to reinforce bad behavior because you feel embarrassed or anxious or uncomfortable yeah right if your child has a tantrum to get their way and you give it to them you've just taught them this is how I get my way so if you have a tantrum to get your way the answer is no it's always going to be no go for it and the go for it part is I'm going to be okay either way rather than you know I'll be so upset being and the Tantrum will pass because I think for me a lot of lot of times my kids are like Relentless they'll just and and and all kids are they'll just keep coming back and and asking and asking it's like I think you give an example of of going um to a toy store or running into you know say Target I know I keep this is not sponsored by Target by any means I just want to put that out there but if you guys want to do a deal please call um when you're you know you're three or foury old or 5-year-old or six-year old whenever that is they they want something and they cry or they throws or they literally have a tantrum and then they put themselves at danger of flipping out of the cart which I think I've had experience with it's like what do you do in that point when you're at a store and your kids it's like well I want that I want that toy and it's like no what would you say and if you have a fit we're going home and then you have to take them home and often for kids where that's a trigger for them is tell them ahead of time before you go in the store um don't beg and I need like give them sort of the rules like stay close don't beg you're really good you know parent usually get kids a little something but as soon as you start acting up we're going home I've had to do that in grocery stor there'll be a consequence Y and and I love this because I learned it from Charles and love and logic um you don't have to get them the consequence right away you can go there's going to be a consequence I have to think about it because that way you're not disciplining them when you're angry and it makes them a little nervous it's like oh mommy's just not going to lash out at me Mommy's going to really think about it this is going to hurt yeah I that happened to me when I was 16 it's like if you show up a minute late from when your curfew was there's going to be consequences and you're like and they're going to think about it they're going to think hard which is not I mean now I feel like for me consequences are you know no sleepovers no um no electronics things like that and that you know these kids are so unfortunately addicted that those are easy consequences and and they don't like them other rules I like is tell the truth because that'll always serve them in life um which means of course you have to tell this truth because kids do what you do not what you tell them to do right put things away you take out which goes into chores children should have chores help me in that department my kids are I I mean I can't even with girls they don't put their stuff away it makes me crazy yeah then you should take it from them you great I mean I love throwing things away or donating them because if you don't teach them to do it then they won't do it probably Drive their partner crazy and then their kids won't do it right so this is a generational play you don't have to be OCD about it but one of the rules is put things way you take out and yeah I I just think it's so important it's so important and so because an organized space yes goes to more organized brain and so these these rules just thinking about all the stuff that I have to clean up when I get home or no I'm not going to clean up that I'm going to make the kids clean up or they're not going to have it um um how do these rules apply for kids um that think and learn different or are NE Divergent like we say now you have to be careful not to give in because you think they can't because if you do that you're creating you're accelerating their disability and put things way that you take out that's not hard for ab kids and right you know I have three add kids of my six kids so I know more about this than I want and one of them like I would clean up his room with him on Sunday and by Monday afternoon it's like a cycling I did I actually hired a professional organizer I'm like he's not listening to me and I had her come back every week for like 6 months he's one of the most organized people I know it's just it's not natural to him so he had to over learn right with like labels and and things like that yeah not again not in an OCD way but in a way that allows him to do his life but again if you're not modeling it then it's really hard for them and always the first person to take care of is you mhm because if you're happier more positive more organized more goal directed it spills over to the kids MH okay so we have rules now so rule goals bonding rules notice what you like way more than what you don't like so important this is why I collect Penguins we need penguins in the new studio yeah we need like a little penguin something right here natal yeah yeah we need we need in the new studio I'll look for some yeah P because it just reminds me notice what you like more than what you don't like my oldest was just talking about the disorganized one the ex disorganized one is was hard for me and I adopted him when um he was two and a half and loved him and then I didn't like him very much because he was argumentative and musal and I think he's six or seven I'm in my child psychiatry training program in Hawaii it's a place I dearly love and I'm talking to my supervisor Dr Lois Fishler and I'm like I am not having any fun at home with this kid I just mostly want to strangle them and she's the one that taught me about special time and I took him like London wants to go to the Grove so I took him to a place called sea life Park which is sort of like SeaWorld on aahu and Jesse and I and we had the best day ever went to the killer whale show and that was great and we went to the sea lion show and that was funny then we went to the Dolphin Show and it was amazing at the end of the day he grabs my shirt and he goes I want to see fat Freddy and I'm like who's fat Freddy he rolled his eyes at me it's like the penguin Dad don't you know anything right that was the kind of relationship we had and so we went and saw the fat Freddy show so Freddy was a humble penguin who was chubby and super cute and he comes on the stage and he climbs this high diving the ladder of a high diving board go out to the end of the board bounces and then jumps in the water and I'm like whoa and then he gets out of the water and he blls with his nose he counts with his flipper he jumps through a hoop of fire and I'm like completely Blown Away have my arm around my son I think I'm a good dad and then the trainer asked budy to go get something he went and got it and he brought it right back and at that moment time Stood Still For Me CU I went damn I asked this kid to get something for me and he wants to have a discussion for like 20 minutes and I knew my son was smarter than the Penguin and I'm like this is my problem and I went to the trainer afterwards they said how did you get Freddy to do all these really cool things and the trainer looked at my son and then she looked at me and she she said unlike parents whenever Freddy does anything like what I want him to do I notice him I give him a hug and I give him a fish and the light went on in my head that even though my son doesn't like raw fish my daughter actually would love it totally would worked with her that he didn't like raw fish whenever he did what I wanted him to do I wasn't paying attention but when he didn't do what I wanted him to do I gave him a lot of attention because I didn't want to raise bad kids and you grew up Mormon I grew up Roman Catholic there's a little bit of this Hellfire damnation in both of those religions and I was paying attention to the wrong things and so I collect Penguins as a way to remind myself to notice the good things about the people in my life more than the bad things what do you think Freddy would have done if he was having a bad day like a couple of weeks later I went to Marine World it's in Northern California I love to seeing animal parks and went to the killer whales show and one of the killer whales or were two of them just did everything the trainer wanted him to do the other one didn't do anything and so she sent him to time out and after the show cuz the show early she goes anybody have any questions and I came down and I said I have a question you're going to think it's a really terrible question but I'm serious why didn't you take a big stick and beat the whale because that's what parents do and she looked at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet I mean she didn't know I was being fous yeah she said if I would have hurt the whale he didn't never perform for me again because he wouldn't have trusted me but you think of parents who think you know spare the rod and spoil the child and they get physical with kids it's very dangerous to do because they won't trust you and if they don't trust you they won't talk to you and we now live in a dangerous Society for kids because of screens and social media you want them talking to you you don't want them talking to people their age and getting advice from Tik Tok oh yeah oh yeah that happens every day when I pick up London from school I hear something it's like she's going through sex head and it's like whoa do we have to go there and then I'm like wait a second because she'll start asking questions and really important questions of course I want my kids to you know get the right information about sex and what's appropriate and what's not appropriate you know down more more than ever ever because all they have to do is go on YouTube or ask the wrong person or get somebody else's phone if you have parental controls on their phones um that's important and you should and most of them should actually have flip FL phones not smartphones where do you even buy a flip phone you can buy a flip phone lots of places really yeah okay and um and flip phones you can have contact with them but they don't have immediate access to hardcore pornography and predators and constant comparing why their life is terrible compared to all the fake people in the world MH so very important it doesn't mean even if you do it they have access to their friends phones and all of a sudden they're watching hardcore pornography more than ever before and so who do you want to educate them about sucks uh do you want to be the one and so often parents abdicate that I mean still today if I talk to my mother about it she gets embarrassed 92 seven children I'm like come on you must know something about this yeah when I bring it up to my parents are like are you guys still having sex married 39 years later and my mom doesn't want to talk about it and and and I think that just goes with my maybe religious upbringing you know it wasn't all you all I knew is that that you weren't allowed to have sex until you were married or you weren't like it was a sin so these conversations were very um Taboo in in in the home which is you know you just have to change the world is changing and you have to change especially now more than ever with raising children yeah and I think talking about it you know who do you want to have influence over them you know not Google definitely not Google and not the messages that we're hearing from our society now which I think are so toxic MH mhm um next rule what did we miss ask permission before you go someplace I think that's really important kids hate when you're supervising them they hate it more when you don't gives them safety makes them feel safe yeah and you know now there are apps we can track and know how fast they're going in a car like you were going 85 I'm not happy about that so yeah so making then discipline you know discipline comes from the Greek word disciple which is to teach and I often say parents should be like great teachers or great coach is and I've been blessed did a little fun work with the Miami Heat last year and Eric spola just signed a $120 million contract as a coach he's just one of the he's a historic coach and he notices what people do right and he teaches them when they can do better bad coaches notice what you do wrong and they never let you forget it so when you think of good parents they notice what you do right and they teach you when you can do better so you know rather than belittling someone it's like I'll let you know the consequence [Music] mhm well I know that there are a ton of really oh look it I turned to ant Eliminator form I think this is what I need today and it by the way these principles apply to reparenting yourself I'm not joking so when I was reading this book Not only was thinking about my my children how I want to continue to raise my kids but also myself because it starts with you right you want to be you want to raise mentally strong kids you have to be mentally strong because if you don't model the message you suck as a messenger there that's a that's that's a good ending that's like the tagline for this podcast guys run out get this book raising mentally strong kids it's amazing it will help you you can thank us later and thank you so much to my dear friend Dr aan and tell everybody where they could follow you I'm sure every you know I you were my first person on my podcast but again for anyone who's tuning in who hasn't heard um the first podcast we did together where can they find you on social media so doc doore amen Tik Tock doc amen and find out about our work in our clinics at amen clinics.com so amen like the last word of prayer clinics.com great thank you so much you're so [Music] welcome yay Networks

Channel: Ambyr Childers

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Keywords: daniel amen, brain health, brain spect scan, dr daniel amen, brain health dr amen, amen clinics reviews, amen clinics scan my brain, amen clinics, dr amen brain health, dr amen diary of a ceo, dr daniel amen podcast, dr daniel amen interview, dr daniel amen brain health, dr daniel amen change your brain change your life, daniel amen change your brain change your life, amen clinics youtube, mental health podcast

Id: Tc6Bz83AACo

Length: 42min 54sec (2574 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 30 2024