How to Be Assertive at Work WITHOUT Being Aggressive (Be Assertive NOT Aggressive)

a really common question I get from emerging leaders is how could I be assertive without sounding aggressive and this question really comes from two different groups of people the first group are those who are conscious of how they communicate and they get the feeling that they come across as aggressive when they speak the second group of people are those who have been told that they are aggressive when they communicate if you fit into either of those categories then you've clicked on the Right video because in today's video I'm going to share with you what you can change with your communication to sound assertive but not aggressive but before we get into that we need to look at the difference between being assertive and being aggressive because some of you might think that you are communicating assertively when actually you're being aggressive and others may think that you are communicating aggressively when in reality you're just being assertive so I think we need to Define what assertiveness is what being aggressive is and understand what these both styles of communication are about the difference between being assertive and being aggressive really comes down to the intention that you have when you communicate when you're aggressive you communicate with the intention of being offensive of blaming or of attacking the other person your communication is coming from a place of anger resentment or bitterness these are the emotions that you're feeling at that time and you want to transfer those emotions to the other person and you do that in the way that you communicate by being aggressive for example I can't believe you're late to the meeting again you are so unreliable here you're angry that this person is laid you want them to feel that anger that you have and you attempt to do that in the way that you communicate to that person now if you heard someone say this to you how would that make you feel would it make you feel defensive would it make you feel angry would it make you want to comply and to arrive on time for the meeting things in the future you might want to comply through fear but that's not a way to run a work environment now let's compare this to being assertive when you are assertive you're able to confidently and clearly convey your thoughts feelings and opinions while showing consideration to the other person your intentions are coming from a different place not from anger or resentment but from confidence self-assuredness concern and compassion for example I noticed you were late to the meeting again it's been three times this week I really need you here on time so we can get to work straight away is there a reason you've been late do you see the difference between these two examples one is being aggressive and one is being assertive let's quickly watch them in fast forward so you can really see the difference I can't believe you're late to the meeting again you are so unreliable I noticed you were late to the meeting again it's been three times this week I really need you here on time so we can get to work straight away is there a reason you've been late now I'm going to share with you four guidelines to help you move your communication from being aggressive to being assertive and at the end of this video I'm going to share with you some examples so you can see what these guidelines are like in action number one use facts not emotions when you infuse emotions such as blame anger or bitterness into your communication you immediately move into aggressive territory and it automatically makes that person defensive they feel you're attacking them because you are so they put their barrier up they close off and they call you aggressive whereas if you use facts or evidence-based appeals when you communicate things that that person cannot argue with because it's the truth it takes the emotion out of the conversation it makes it less personal and therefore it makes it less aggressive this is because when you make conversations less personal when you stick to the facts the other person does not feel like they're being attacked they won't be defensive they won't feel that you're communicating with them aggressively so use facts not emotions number two be specific not vague when you're being aggressive it's likely that you become very vague with your communication for example I'm disappointed in the report that you submitted Alan I can't believe anyone can produce such poor quality work you just want to let out your anger so you become very vague with your communication you might even use words like never or always which is an over exaggeration but this type of communication it invariably leads to blame and attacks when you blame or attack you don't highlight the specific problem and the other person walks away not knowing what they did wrong all they know is that you're aggressive whereas if you try to make your communication more specific it forces you to think about and talk about the actual problem again going back to facts or evidence not emotion do you see how this all links together just a reminder examples will be at the end of this video number three be curious not parochial parochial is when you're narrow-minded close-minded or stubborn in your way of thinking curious is when you're inquisitive you're eager to know to learn and to understand when you're aggressive you'll be parochial you won't want to know or understand why that person did what they did you won't want to help them improve you'll just want to attack them and force them to do what you want them to do whereas if you're assertive you'll be coming from a place of compassion and as such you'll be a lot more open-minded and curious the best way to be a lot more Curious and not parochial is to ask questions for example I'd like to understand why you've been late three times this week can you tell me about that and by the way curiosity is a key skill to being an empathetic leader which I talk about in this video up here and I will put it in the description below number before be confident not dominating when you're being dominating you're trying to be forceful with your thoughts your ideas or opinions you're trying to make somebody think feel or behave the way you want in business you might use your position of power to exercise control over the other person aggressive people do this by instilling fear or by threatening them and it's quite often communicated through what they say the words they use the tone of voice or how they say it and also the body language that they use when they communicate whereas assertive people don't feel the need to force their ideas or their opinions on anyone else they are confident in their ideas and they understand the fundamental rule of assertiveness that everyone has the right to their own ideas thoughts and opinions people might not always agree with you but you can't force people to think the way you do you can't force people to feel the same way that you do so assertive people in conversations if they are coming up to a disagreement with someone they have the confidence to walk away and to agree that they just need to agree to disagree so what does all this look like in real conversation to help you walk away from this video with a clear understanding of what being aggressive versus being assertive is and to help you move toward being assertive I'm going to share some examples with you now these examples are from a work related context because this channel is for emerging leaders and with the examples I'm going to start with the aggressive version then I'm going to move to the assertive version number one an employee makes a mistake in their work if you're being aggressive you might say I can't believe you made another mistake in this presentation if we don't get this client it's because of your incompetence this type of communication is very vague it is emotional it is dominating it's also threatening whereas if you're being assertive you might say something like I noticed there was another mistake in your presentation you know how important it is that we sign this client can you tell me what's causing you to make these mistakes it's factual you're curious and you're also confident number two you delegate a task to an employee if you're being aggressive you might approach the employee with your hands on your hips use a Stern tone of voice and say something like you need to correct this report this whole project has gone under because of you fix it now so this is dominating it is vague it is also parochial whereas if you're being assertive you would approach that employee with a good posture with a confident tone or voice and say something like this I'd like you to correct this report specifically the date in paragraph two line three it should say December 3rd I'd like you to correct this and hand it back to me by 3 pm do you think you can manage that this approach to communicating is confident it is factual and it is specific third example A co-worker steals your idea in a meeting if you're being aggressive you might slam your fist down on the table and say something like this jacinta you're so deceitful I can't believe you're claiming this idea was yours you do this every time I share a great idea in a meeting don't you have any ideas of your own communicating in this aggressive way it is dominating it is emotional and it is parochial whereas if you are being assertive you would remain calm you would remain confident and you might say something like this jacinta that was actually my idea if you remember I shared it with everyone at the beginning of this meeting but I'm happy to work with you to improve on that idea if you like this assertive approach it is factual it is specific and it is confident these are simple changes you can make with your communication to Move It from being aggressive to being assertive if you enjoyed this video and you got some value from it then you will definitely get a lot of value from my assertive communication skills masterclass it is a three hour video course that will teach you how to be more assertive in your communication at work and also at home we start off that course by helping you learn your natural communication style then you'll learn about fears and limiting beliefs that could be holding you back from communicating assertively then you'll learn about how to be assertive in group conversations and one-on-one conversations you'll learn about non-verbal strategies to help you appear to be more assertive then you'll learn about verbal strategies so you can communicate more assertively and that's actually the bulk of this course there are coaching worksheets that go along with pretty much every section in this course that really help me to help you develop a more assertive style of communication you will definitely come out on the other side as a confident and assertive Communicator if you're interested in finding out more about this course I will put a link in the description below I will also include a discount coupon to this course which for the next five days from the date this video is First on YouTube you will receive a significant discount to this course thank you so much for watching and I will see you in the next video

Channel: Kara Ronin

Views: 64,768

Keywords: leadership, career, career tips, Be assertive, Be assertive not aggressive, How to be assertive without being aggressive, How to be assertive, How to be assertive at work, Be assertive at work, How to not be aggressive, Be assertive instead of being aggressive, Assertive not aggressive, Assertiveness, Assertive communication, Aggressive communication, Assertive vs aggressive

Id: 34brPBse628

Length: 11min 9sec (669 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 28 2023