How To Be More Assertive

what can I do to start integrating my own shadow I feel the darkness but end up bottling it up how can I start being more assertive in a controlled manner that's exactly how you can start by being more assertive in a controlled manner well this is a good follow-up question from the last one what are you mad about write it down and and like be kind of comprehensive about it or maybe talk to a friend I would I would say write it down but you can talk to a friend write down everything that makes you angry and you're going to think well some of those things that make me angry are stupid it's like yeah probably that's not the question here we're not trying to figure out if you're reasonable or not of course you're not because who is so you're not so write down everything that makes you angry okay so what will happen then do you have a comprehensive list of what makes you angry and the first thing that you'll figure out is that some of those things just shouldn't make you angry it's like time to grow the hell up you know and get over that but then there's other things on there and maybe you can talk to someone about that you think well this makes me angry should it you talk to someone they say no you should that's you you should just grow up but you know so maybe that's ten percent of the things that make you angry it's just because you're undisciplined but then there'll be some other things that make you angry because you're being taken advantage of or you're allowing yourself to be taken advantage of or you're taking advantage of yourself or you're not objecting when someone else is asking you to do something you don't really want like there's something going on and so with those things you figure well what would you rather have like if you could have what you wanted that wasn't making you angry what would it be and so now you know what you want well then you think well let's take one of those things that I want and see if I can ask for it maybe it's like the one the person who asked this question the woman who asked this previous question maybe she has to go to her husband and say look I need you to spend 15 minutes after dinner with the kids so I can you know be alone would you would you do it for 15 minutes or 10 minutes or would you do it for 10 minutes like three times a week you know you have to negotiate what's the other person willing to do you need to know what you want and need and then you need to communicate it to them and then you need to negotiate a solution and that's how you get more assertive and you start small you get more assertive by telling the truth right that's how it's like I I'm irritated and annoyed that this isn't happening and here's something that you could conceivably offer me and this is what I'm willing to do in return and could we see if that works and what's the benefit to them is well you're not miserable and passive aggressive then you know it's like it's not like your partner isn't going to gain from your increment and assertiveness it's not a zero-sum game you could both gain like truly because wouldn't it be a lovely marriage if your your wife could ask you what she wanted and you could deliver and you could ask her what you wanted and she'd deliver and both of you were happy about that like that could happen not always in every situation but you get a long way down that road if you're careful you know so tell the truth about what you're angry about but also tell the truth to yourself about what you want and then start with little negotiations in that direction and you'll get better and better at it it's really worth doing because otherwise you carry around all that resentment and that's horrible that's no way to live it makes you sick it makes everyone around you sick and it makes you old and makes life miserable and so that's another thing to think through because you think well I'm afraid to say what I want it's like fair enough who isn't how afraid are you of not saying what you want well I'm used to that well that doesn't mean it isn't horrible you're just not accounting that as a risk and you should there is the risk of saying what you need but there's the risk of not saying what you need and if you if you have to pick between those two risks man pick saying so then at least you have a chance and so does your partner so you know lots of marriages you see this with people the one person is deeply unhappy and angry another person really has no idea why now they may have you know done what they could to remain blind to the problem but often they just don't the other person just has never told them you know here's what's wrong and here's what I want they expect them to know or something and people just don't they're just not that bright you know it's like you know if you loved me you'd know what I needed if you loved me I bet how many of you have said that it's like you should you should have your lips sewn together if you say that anyway because the right response to that is no I'm stupid you have no idea I'm so stupid I married you and so how much do you think you can expect from me I can barely do what you tell me to do much less guess what it's supposed to be so like give me a break and tell me what I can do badly that might be vaguely pleasing to you thank you that's a good that's a good approach you know if I've if I've approached Tammy and I say look I'm really stupid and and I mean it and I'm amazed you put up with me and because I sure can't figure out what you would and if you tell me what you want in some way that I can manage it and you let me try it out stupidly and badly for a while I might be willing to give it a shot what do you think and usually she'll tell me something I can do and vice versa and usually it works even if we allow ourselves also that opportunity to practice it stupidly for a while you know because maybe you know maybe you want your partner to say they love you you know now and then whenever that is and so then you think okay how often how often every day well that'll get a little old well once a week okay once a week how about Monday I know you think you think that's funny you know but maybe if you got it right someone would tell you they loved you once a week for the rest of your life and mean it and maybe that would be better than not having it at all so you think well Monday you know Monday when you come home from work well that's a bit formulaic it's like yeah well and how about some flowers along with well then how about once every two weeks okay deal and you think well that's kind of like I said it's formulaic it's not spontaneous it sort of wrote here's some flowers I love you it's like you well could you be right that's right man I had this friend he bought his wife flowers it took him three days to convince her that he bought them that's not the right response I got some flowers for you no you didn't you never bring me flowers and you never will well those are flowers you didn't buy them it's like no no no Tammy got it right she said thank you it's like that's right if someone does something good stupidly and badly then you say thank you because maybe they'll do it again and maybe if they do it 20 times and you keep saying thank you carefully they'll get confident at it and then they'll get good at it and then that might take like a year and then you've got 40 years where it's happening and they're expert at it and like more power to you so yeah that's a good place to stop okay [Applause] thank you everyone much appreciated good night [Music] I can't see this [Music]

Channel: Jordan B Peterson Clips

Views: 668,811

Keywords: psychology, philosophy, Jordan B. Peterson, Jordan Peterson, JB Peterson, jordanbpeterson, jordanpeterson, personality, understandmyself, selfauthoring, neuropsychology, jordan peterson clips, jp peterson clips, jp clips, jordan peterson podcast clips, jordan peterson live, jordan peterson livestream, jordan peterson shorts, jordan peterson tiktoks, jordan peterson motivational clips

Id: 1r12glGg1Ec

Length: 9min 30sec (570 seconds)

Published: Wed May 10 2023