FEMALE SPEAKER: Hello,
and welcome everybody to today's "Authors
at Google Talk." Today, we are incredibly excited
to welcome Marcia Reynolds. MARCIA REYNOLDS: Thank you. FEMALE SPEAKER: To talk
to us about her latest book, "The Discomfort
Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations
Into Breakthroughs." So, welcome Marcia. We're looking forward
to hearing from you. MARCIA REYNOLDS: Great. Thanks. So what I'd like to propose
and demonstrate for you today is the concept that
the best leaders make us feel unsure
of ourselves. Now, I know that might sound
a little counter intuitive. Because don't we like it when
leaders, or anyone, makes us feel good about
ourselves and what we do? But there are
those moments where we get really stuck
in our thinking. And we all do. And we see things a certain way. And it's very difficult for
us to see other possibilities. Or those times when we just
kind of resist new ideas or doing something, not
even sure why we resist. But we do it in a way,
then, that we can't really evaluate what's right
and wrong in a situation. In those moments
is when a leader can say something and ask
a question that truly makes a stop, and think,
about how we think. It's in those moments
of uncertainty to where we're actually
most open to learning. It's in those moments
of uncertainty where we can actually see,
what is my blind spot, and the source of my resistance? That even though
when I see them, I may not feel comfortable. I might not even be happy. I might feel a
little embarrassed. I might be sad that I
hadn't seen this before. I might even be angry. But then I grow. So if you were to recall
a time in your life when maybe somebody
said something to you that changed your life. What was it they said that
truly made you see yourself and the world in an
entirely different way? What did they say? And how did you feel? I mean, maybe it was a parent. Maybe it was a teacher that
made you raise your hand. Or that grumpy
neighbor that made you realize you
were being a jerk. Or a sports coach, a friend,
maybe it even was a manager. What did they say? And, really, in that
moment, how did you feel? I've been asking this
question my leadership classes for over a decade. And they always say it
was that person who really saw me, who really
understood me. And also knew how I was
holding myself back. And then they always
say that, yeah, they said something that challenged
me in a way that in the moment, it didn't feel good. But it made a difference to me. And from that
moment, I saw myself and the world differently. And these people aren't
always people that we like. In fact, I had this boss. He was not even near the top of
my list of most-liked bosses, more close to the bottom. We always fought about ideas. And when my projects would take
off, and I'd be successful, somehow he got credit
for the success. And in the five years
I worked for him, he never pronounced
my name correctly, even though I always
said, it's Marcia. But he still had this way
of hearing me, of seeing me. He knew what really
drove me, what motivated me to move forward. But he also knew how I
was holding myself back. And he say these things that
would make me stop and really evaluate what I was
really doing in a way that I could see
things differently. Like, for example,
there was this time that I was complaining
about the executive staff. And they had re-prioritized my
project down the list again. And I was so angry. And how come they couldn't
see why this was so important? And he says to me, you know,
you can quit fighting now. You've made it. What do you mean? I mean, as we were talking
about before we started, I am a small woman. And this was a semiconductor
company, primarily men. And I had to fight my way up. Fighting had served me. Who would I be if
I wasn't a fighter? But then he said,
do you think there's a way instead of trying to
force them to see what you want, that you can inspire
them to see what you see? I really valued people
who inspired me. And I really thought
I could do that, that I did that with the
people who worked for me. I had never thought that I
could do that with these people. Why not? But I couldn't see it
until he made the statement and asked the question, which
then changed my behavior, and changed my results. Then there was this
other time I was complaining about my coworkers. Seems like I complained
an awful lot. But we were doing this project. And I was saying, they
weren't pulling their weight. And he says to me, wow, it seems
as if everyone disappoints you. Again, I paused. And he says to me, do you
think anyone will ever be good enough for you? And I thought about
that for days. And I realized it was actually
the source of all my troubles with all my relationships. So it wasn't even
work that he changed. But he totally changed my
life with one reflection, one question. And so when I looked
at that, I thought, was this just random statements
of this uncensored boss? So when I left that
company, I went out. I was trained as a coach. And I had gotten involved
with emotional intelligence. And I was fascinated
by the brain. And then I went on to do my
doctoral work in psychology just to really learn at
what are we learning now that we have access to really
seeing how the brain works? And my second master's was
in learning psychology. That was decades ago. And now I realize what we
thought then of how we learned is very different now, that
there's different learning. So what I want to
share with you today, briefly I want to look
at what type of learning are we talking about? If you really want to change
people's behavior, particularly when they're stuck
or they're resistant, how do you actually do that? So we're going to
look at what is it the conditions you're
trying to create? And then I also
want to look at how do you know what to say that's
going to make them see things differently and then
change their life? So when we look at
learning-- I said to you that I learned early on
that there was a way that we can help people to
learn information. But the problem with just
using the thinking brain is that we're competing
with a whole lot of things. So if I tell you, I really
think you should do this, you might say, yeah, great. And you write it down. But then how many things
compete with that? And within five,
10 minutes, you've probably forgotten
what I've said. So even reading things,
how many articles do you read online a day? At the end of the
day, if I asked you, what did you learn today, would
you even remember most of it? I mean, all those tests
you took in school you had to memorize things. And if I gave it to you
now, would you pass? Because this is short-term
memory we're dealing with. And, in fact, if you want
people to remember then it's got to have a
strong emotion attached to the information. They have to say, wow! This is fabulous! This is going to
be great for me. It's going to truly help
me achieve my goals. If they don't, it's
not going to embed. They won't remember it. It has to be a big
impact in order for it to get into long-term memory. So information-based
learning, and just telling people what to do is
really an inefficient way of getting them to change. So then we have the traditional
old management technique is I'll scare you
into changing, right? And people still do this. And parents do. You better do this, or else. The problem with this is
that fear-based learning gets lodged back here where
we learn automatic pilot stuff, the motor skills. Like you learn how
to drive a car. How many of you drive? So how often do you
drive, and you've been driving for,
oh, gosh, miles, and you realize you haven't
thought about driving? OK. Raise your hand if this
has ever happened to you. Look around. You're driving on the road
with all these people. Thank God for automatic
pilot, that we can do this without thinking. But that's the thing, if
I learned based on fear, then it gets lodged there. And I learn to do
things one way. And it no longer has access
to my long-term memory and my creative source. So I learn how to do things. And under pressure, I'm really
good at doing things one way. But then you ask me to adapt
and do things differently. And you know what? I can't. It's very hard for me to
then change the way I do it. Because I learned it under fear. It's almost as if
I have to learn an entirely new way
of doing things. And then people wonder,
why are these people so resistant to change? Because they learned under
fear In the first place. So this is also a
very inefficient way of teaching people, and getting
them to change their behavior. So the third way that we have
to change people's behavior actually works with
the middle brain, where we have long-term
memory, and we can be creative. But there's a structure here
that is really important. And this is the
most important thing in changing someone's
behavior, especially if it has to do with
how I relate to others. And this thing is called ego. And ego isn't bad. Ego is how I see myself
and the world around me. And I need this
because I can't be stopping all day long
and saying, who am I? Where am I? I have to kind of
know who I am and what I do so I can function. So it's a survival process. So all of our experiences,
and our beliefs, they create these frames
that we operate by. Well, the brain
dearly protects this. This is why when people feel a
little threatened of who I am-- are you threatening me? Are you judging me
or my credibility? I get defensive right away. And if I say, oh, don't be
so defensive, what happens? You get even more defensive. Because we dearly protect this. But, you see, when you're
dealing with someone, the best thing you can do,
then, is can you break down one of those
defenses to where I actually stop and think about,
is how I see myself in this situation really serving
me and how I see the world? So what we're trying
to do in order to change people's
behavior is we have what's called
insight-based learning. So when my boss said to me,
will anyone ever be good enough for you, it's like, boom, he
broke through that defense, got right into my brain. And my brain had
to stop and go, oh, wow, what you thought was true
maybe isn't, maybe something else. So it starts rewiring. And all of a sudden, I
have a new awareness of, I wasn't really doing a
good thing for myself. And my view of myself and the
world then changed forever. What's really wonderful about
this is once that changes, that structure,
then my perspective changes forever as well. And so does my behavior. So self-directed,
discovery-based learning is permanent. So I don't necessarily go
back to old bad behavior. So when we're dealing with
people, especially when they're resistant or they're stuck,
this is the most efficient way of helping them to learn. And that's why I'm
sharing this with you. That's what you're aiming for. So behavior learning
could be that you tell me something
that totally supports how I see myself in the world. And I go, yeah, that's great. But, again, if I'm
stuck in seeing things, and I'm not serving
myself, or I'm resistant to seeing
something else, then you need to
help me break down the barrier that's
protecting my sense of self and the world, so I can
see myself in a bigger way, and the world around me, that
gives me more possibility. So we do this by maybe saying
something that's surprising. I remember the first
time someone said to me, you know, I really
intimidate people. I'm like, me? I'm so short. I do that? That was surprising,
made me think. Or a disruptive
reflection, where you just hold up the mirror and allow
people to look at themselves. Or a powerful question. These are the things that
make me then stop and question myself. And in that moment
where I question myself is when there's
that great opportunity that I may learn something new. So it's in this moment of
discomfort that learning truly happens. And, again, when my
brain breaks down, it's a really awesome process. I'm sure you've seen it. Where you say
something to someone, and there really is a breakdown. So what happens is, they will
stare at you for a moment. Because their brain is going,
uh, something new here. And it takes a moment to rewire. And so it's almost
like a trance state. But it's very similar,
if you've ever seen a baby see something
new for the very first time. What do they do? They just stare at it. And then when the brain
kind of formulates meaning, then they either
cry or they laugh, depending on if they think
it's a threat or if it's funny. It's the same thing with adults. We kind of, like, huh? And so this is a moment. If you create this, you
have to let it happen. Don't talk. Just let the silence happen. Let their brain rewire. And then they'll probably
have an emotional reaction, where they may feel awkward. They may laugh at themselves. They may be embarrassed. They may be sad. They could be angry. But it'll dissipate. You just hold on. You just let them
work through it. And then you say, so, what
have you now discovered? What is true for you now? And let them tell you
what they now see. And once we change
our view of who I think I am in the
world around me, then my behavior
changes as well. And, again, it's
far more efficient than you trying to tell
someone your great advice and brilliant ideas. It just doesn't stick. So the question,
then, is how do we know what to say that's
going to create this moment? Where does that come from? So a friend of mine was doing
her doctoral dissertation where she was interviewing
all these master coaches that seem to be able to do
this almost naturally. And she asked them,
what exactly is it that you do that creates
that moment where people go, oh, wow, and they change? And all of them said, well,
I access my intuition. But the difficult thing,
when she asked them, so, how do you do that? Was like, oh,
well, I don't know. You know. You just listen. And they had a
very difficult time articulating what
exactly they did. But if you can't articulate
it, you can't really teach it. And so I said, I've
got to codify this. I have to bring it
to a place to where people know what it
is they're doing. Because otherwise if
I don't do that, then most people will judge it
as kind of fluffy weird, or something that belongs to
psychics and wizards, or maybe women, women's intuition. But, frankly, I didn't
find any research that really says we have
more intuition than men. It's just sometimes women
trust their intuition a little bit more. But we all have it. Don't we? I mean, how many times
have you made a decision that you now regret. And said to yourself, I
should have trusted my gut. My gut told me to do this. I didn't do it. Or you did something. And you knew it was because
other people told you to do it. But it wasn't right. And you say, I should
have trusted my heart. We all have this intuition. But we don't listen to it. We don't access it. Because we have this
chatty brain up here that also sensors,
filters, analyzes, critiques, and
kind of drowns out this information that
we get from the rest of our nervous system. And even though people say,
well, if you listen deeply, you'll hear more than the words. But what is it
we're really doing? In fact, it was
Sherlock Holmes who does this quite well
in really seeing beyond what most people see. He admonished Watson
by saying, you see. But you do not observe. The distinction is clear. So I went out. And I said, OK. So let me look
at-- so I think it has to do with the
heart, and the gut, and the nervous system. And I found quite
a bit of research. And it's initiated from
Michael Gershon's work in his book "The Second Brain." And there was two things
that really stood out for me. One, was he said,
you know, there's like a billion stars in the sky. And if you take all of those,
and put them in your head, you've got a billion neurons. But you know if you take 100
million of those neurons, and put them right here
in your gut, that's how many neurons you have. And there's every class
of neurotransmitter that's in your brain that
are making connections-- every class of
neurotransmitter in your brain is also in your gut. Now, I think that's far more
than you need to digest food. So there's processing. You gut is getting hits,
and processing information all the time, and sending
signals to your brain. Again, it doesn't have language. So it has to go to the brain. And then I found
Andrew Armour's work. And his is the work that was the
foundation for the Heart Math Institute. And he documented how the
heart takes in information, processes it, and sends
signals to the brain. And he coined the
term heart math. And Paul Pearsall,
a heart surgeon, documented how many
memories transplant patients had that belonged to the donors. So, yeah, the heart
even remembers even when it goes to someone else. The heart has memory. So I looked at these. And I said, well, that's
really the nervous system. And then Gershon said
in a fetus it's all one. It's all clumped
together like clay. And as the baby develops, the
gut and the heart separates. But it's still connected
by the vagus nerve. The nervous system
is really one organ, even though it's separate. So we have the gut, and
the heart, and the brain. And so I looked at this. The nervous system is
really the head, the heart, and the gut are our
primary processing centers. And, honestly, that's
what intuition is. If we can stop and
listen to those, what might we hear
differently than if we're only listening to our brain? So I want you to imagine
right now that you're dealing with a big decision. So if you can think
about something that you're trying to decide on. And it could be a life decision. It could even be what you're
going to do this weekend. See if you can't just put
in your brain something that you have to decide. And what I'm going
to do is I want to do a quick
visualization with you. I want to see if you can
listen to your three centers, and what might come up
differently from each one. So this visualization
that I use, I teach it to coaches in
order to listen differently to other people. But you can use it for
yourself and practice this way. And so you can do it with me. Or you can do it
however you like. I learned this from
a sports psychologist in helping athletes
to get in the zone. Because this really is
a being present process. So I want you to, if
you can, to be here. If you've got a lot of
other things going on, if you could just give
this a couple of minutes. If you could just
get comfortable. Feel your feet on the ground. Just notice where you are
right here, right now. And sense how you're feeling. Take a breath. And then the
visualization I'm going to do-- if you want to
close your eyes, you can. It works if you could just
maybe put your gaze down so you can actually get
into sensing this instead of just watching me, or having
your thoughts go elsewhere. But I want you to think about
your decision from your brain. What are the things you
normally think about? Do you think about
the pros and cons? Do you think about
what you should do? What other people are
telling you to do? I want you just to
notice, what are your thoughts around this
decision from your brain? Now what I'd like
you to do is I want you to imagine there's an
elevator in your brain. And if you don't
like the elevator, you can make it a glowing
ball, or just your awareness. But if you have an
elevator, I want you to take all
of your thoughts. And I want you to see
your thoughts float into the elevator. Then I want you to see
the elevator door close. So see if you can't notice what
it feels like when you don't have any thoughts floating
around your brain. They're all safely
tucked into the elevator. You can have them back. But all of a sudden, the
elevator starts to float down. And it floats down
through your head. It floats through your neck. And then it floats down. And it comes to rest in the
spot next to your heart. And when the
elevator door opens, you notice someone or something
that you deeply care about. And I want you to feel. Really notice what
you feel when you see this person or this thing. Do you feel happy? Do you feel grateful? Does this person or this
thing make you smile? I want you to say
the word to yourself. Do you feel grateful? Do you feel love? Do you feel happiness? Do you feel care, compassion? Pick a word. And breathe it in. And just feel what it feels
like when this heart space truly opens. Now I want you to think
about that decision again. But think about it
through your heart. Try to keep yourself from
going back to your head. Think about it
through your heart. What is your heart saying to you
right now about that decision? Is it different? Is it different? Make note of that. Now I want you to say goodbye
to the person or the thing that made you feel good. And the elevator closes. And it starts to float down. It floats down through
your diaphragm, through your stomach. And it comes to rest
right in this place right below your navel. This is your point of strength. This is your will. In many modalities they
call this your core. And I want you to
think of a time where you spoke up and said
something, or did something, in spite of your fear. And how did that feel? And I want you to say the
word courage to yourself. And have it float down. And just hold it right
in the middle here. Now I want you to think
about that decision. What is your gut saying to you? Is it different? Is it different
than what you heard from your head and your heart? Make note of it. OK, you can come back. This is something you
can practice daily as you start opening. As Otto Scharmer says
in his book "Theory U," and work from an open mind,
and an open heart, and an open will. I mean, if you think about
it, how many leaders, there's such an oversight that
they create mission statements based on market
needs and revenue, and not really including
what truly inspires people? Or how many teams
have you been on, where you make plans, and
steps, and deliverables. But you don't stop
and ask people, what is it that you
really want to contribute? What is the vision of what
you have of the end result? What are you afraid might
happen along the way? What difference it would make
if we ask people from the heart, and from our will. And really listen to their
doubts, to their fears, to their desires. What difference would that make? So you can use
this in listening. And the emotions, if
you heard me say them, is that we open our
mind with curiosity. Which, again, is difficult. We tend to want to analyze, and
tell people things, and what's right, and try to fix them. But we use curiosity
to open our mind. We use care,
compassion, gratitude, whatever it is
that you feel when you saw that person or that
thing that made you feel good, that's how we open our heart. And courage is what
opens our core. So you can use
this in listening. In the book, there is a model. Because you're still
like, how do I use it? Do I just go in and I listen? But you want to start
the conversation, first, really looking at
what it is we're trying to accomplish here. So this is a dream model. Desired outcome, reflect
explored knowledge, and then make a plan. We always want to
try to get to what would be the goal that
would be important to you? It's not my goal going
into this conversation. It is about what's in it for me. We want to determine that. Do you want to be seen
as a leader by others? Do you want more
respect from your peers? Do you want just peace of mind? What is it that
you want more of? So the conversation really has
to be what the person wants, not necessarily what
you want them to do. We start there. And then we go into
this spontaneous process where we're listening
from these centers, and reflecting
back what we hear. So we allow the person
to tell their story. And just share well, this
is what I hear you saying. This is what I hear in terms
of the emotions you feel. I think maybe this
is what's going on. And I can be wrong. And you can tell me, no, no, no. That's not quite it. But if I'm wrong. You'll probably
say, that's not it. This is it. So we reflect. We explore. We ask questions. And then if they
say, wow, yeah, OK. I get it, we ask
what is it you got? You need them to our
articulate the discovery, the new awareness, so it
sticks before you make a plan. Sometimes it can be just one
statement and one question. I was working with
an executive team. Their leader was
leaving after 14 years. It was a quasi-governmental
organization. And he was retiring. And he said, you know,
they seem to be paralyzed. And they're just not moving
forward with any plans. Can you go talk to them,
coach them a little? So I went in. And I said, well,
I know that things need to start moving forward. I think that's what
you want to do. But tell me, what is it
that's going on right now? Well, the first guy started. And he says, it's awful. And he told me, like,
he was going to retire. He'd been there for 35 years. And he was just going to leave. And I said, OK,
great, thank you. And then I asked the next
person, so what's happening? Oh, it's awful! I'm just going to get my team. We're going to huddle up. And we're going to
just go do things. I'm like, OK. Thank you. And I went around the table. Tell me what's happening. And each person told me
how awful this thing was. And once they were
done, I said, wow. I hear. I hear what's going on. I hear that you're not
happy about him leaving. You're probably sad because
you really liked him, that you're afraid
of what's going to happen with the
new person coming in. And this was going to be a
board-appointed position. Maybe you're even
angry that you don't get to be a part of
this decision making. And I heard it in the
words that they said. And I reflected it back to them. And they said, yeah, that's it. And I said, OK. With all that on
the table, tell me what do you know to be true
right now at this very moment? And what do they
know to be true? The guy was leaving. So after a long pause, where
they looked at me, huh? Somebody finally said,
our director is leaving. I said, OK. Since that's the
only thing you know to be true, what it is
that you need to do? Another long pause,
and then the head of HR said, well, I guess we need
to shore up our succession planning so we can
weather any new leader. I said, great. How can I help you? But, you see, they were so
stuck in their emotions. And when people get
stuck in their emotions, they don't know
what it really is. You have to help them to
put it out on the table so they can look at
what is their fear? What is their anger about? You help them to look at it. Then you can step back. And say, so what's
really going on? Or maybe you just put
out what you think it is. And then, again, they can
tell you whether this is true or not. And then we can
move through that. Because we can't
do this ourselves. Did you know you
can't tickle yourself? Did you know that? You can try. Can' tickle yourself. Brain says, oh, I know
what you're doing. And it stops you. It's the same thing when you try
to evaluate your own thoughts. The brain says, no, I
know what you're doing. And it doesn't really
let you do that. You might cogitate the same
thing over, and over, and over. But it doesn't allow you to
break through that barrier. It takes someone else. You might read something. But somebody, when they
ask you that question, where you go, oh, whoa! I hadn't thought about it
that way, and, of course! But I couldn't see it. That truly makes the difference. So when we listen
from our brain, we do here belief
systems and assumptions. We do here that. What is it that frames that I'm
hoping that's keeping me back. I know it was Richard
Boyatzis said, you can't see beyond
the box until you see the box in the first place. So we help people
see what the box is. We hear that from the brain. But from the heart, we
really hear what they want, and what they value. And sometimes what they value
may be getting in the way. Sometimes first time
supervisors, or people that are promoted to manager,
they valued great results. And now they have to get
results through others. And it's kind of
difficult to let go. So the desires and the
values, but we also hear doubt based on
past experiences. And so what is keeping me
from truly moving forward because of what has
happened before? And then from the core,
we hear their fears. And then what they
can't let go of. Again, in almost any
transition, people do, they have to learn new things. But they have to let
go of old things. And it's often the let go
that's the most difficult. These are the things that we
hear from these three places. So what I'd like to do is
I want to-- real quickly, I'm going to read you a case. The book explains all this
and how you can do it. And then there's two
chapters of case studies. So you can actually
see this in action. I'm going to read
you some things. And I'm going to walk
you through, again, just real quickly through your
head, your heart, and your gut. And I want you to see if you
hear anything differently when I read this to you. OK, so the case is that
Anna wanted a promotion. She was a stellar performer. And nobody could argue with her
work skills and her ability. She was really great. But the problem was
that she was having a difficulty with her peers. In meetings she got
a little cynical, sarcastic, rolled her
eyes, cut people off. And they really
weren't happy with her. And her boss basically
said, until you have respect from your peers, it's going to
be difficult to promote you. So I want you to start
by first being curious. So I didn't walk
you through this. But, again, before you go
and you talk to someone, you start first by
opening your mind. And we open our
mind with curiosity. So the first thing you want to
do is take all those thoughts. And put it in that elevator. Let them float away. Whatever works for you. And say the word, curious. Curious. I don't know how this
person sees the world. And I don't know the answers. If you already know what it is
you're going to say to them, there's nothing left. If you already know how
they're going to respond, they will respond in that way. So can you be curious? So listen with curiosity. She started the conversation
with me by saying, I know my peers have
trouble with me. But I've been getting
good results for years. If they only listened to
what I have to say and try my approaches, they would
see how it could help them. They keep doing
things the old way. And nothing gets done right. My boss won't put the
right pressure on them. So I have to do it. You've heard people like that? So listening from your head,
what would you ask her? What would you ask her? Would you be curious
at what she has tried, if she's tried anything? Maybe you'd ask her
what else could you try? Generally, when we
listen from our head, we get into a little
problem solving. But you might want to know a
little bit about how she really believes people think, or why
her boss isn't helping her. OK, so that's from your brain. But now what I'd like you
to do is, again, to pause. Take a breath. And do that visualization where
you see elevator moving down. And it slowly floats down. And it comes to
rest at your heart. And, again, you see someone or
something when the door opens that makes you smile,
makes you feel good. And just feel that
heart space opening. And I want you to try to
listen to the next part of the conversation
through your heart. And as you listen to the
heart, just notice, what is it you'd like to ask her now? What might you say? And what might you ask her? And see if it's different. So I asked Anna what
she felt her purpose was as a team member? She said, I want
us to be the best. I want our region to
outshine the others. I want us all to win. So I asked her if
her team members felt she wanted this for them. She said, well,
they should know. But maybe they just don't
understand why I want this. My intentions are good. I want them to do better. It will help us all
if they step up. They would understand
if they tried. Now, listening from your
heart, what would you ask her? What would you ask her? Would it be different than
when you listen from your head? Would you want to
know why she's so attached to them
feeling that way? Is this so important? Is there a way that she
could help other people to have those same desires? Does she even know what
other people desire? What is she most worried about? What's frustrating her? Did you hear different
things from your heart? Sp just make a note. What would you say? And what would you ask her? So now what I'd like
you to do is to, again, go back to your heart. And I want you to notice. Say goodbye to that
person or that thing. And I want you to let
the elevator go down. And it comes to
rest at your core. And I want you to
feel the courage that emanates from here. Feel the strength of your core. Say the word
courage to yourself. Now see if you can't
listen through your core. She said to me, I do want
to be seen as a leader. But if I change my way,
why would they believe me? Aren't I being inauthentic
if all of a sudden I'm the nice one? She paused. And didn't say anything. And I just held the silence. Well, maybe I could
start by having one-on-one meetings with
people to show that I really am interested in their ideas. I am interested, you know? I do want them to know that. From your core, did you notice,
really, what is she afraid of? What is she afraid of really? What is she afraid to let go of? If she were not to be the one
who knew, who would she be? And how would people see her? And isn't that not
what's holding her back? Isn't that not? So I want you to
notice, was it difficult for you to go to any
of these centers. And we all listen from our head. But most of you will be able
to access one of these three centers easily in
addition to your head. If you're a helper type
person, you access your heart. But it's the gut that
will be most difficult. If you're like me, and
you're a risk taker, then it's easy for
me to access my gut. But this is my heart,
point of vulnerability. And it's hard for me
to go to my heart. But whenever I'm with a client
and I don't know what to say, if I go to my heart,
boom, it shows up. And so when I run people
through these exercises, and they get to
listen to each other, it's amazing the
questions that show up from the head, the
heart, and the gut. And I can I ask you, if you
noticed it was difficult, just try it. Listen to someone differently
tonight, from your heart or from your gut. And what comes forth
in that conversation? The point is is that we want
to get people to stop and think about their thinking,
not tell them what to do. But just to get them to stop. And if you listen with
your entire nervous system, and just allow it to come
forth, what might happen? There was some
great research where they mapped the
brain of rappers. And it's the same process. Rappers know where it
is they want to go to. But then in the process of
creating their analytical brain goes quiet. And then they just-- what
comes forth is what they say. And it's the same process. If you can quiet your
analytical brain, and allow yourself to give voice
to your heart, and your gut, your nervous
system, maybe people will stop and
question themselves. And maybe they will see
other possibilities. So there are things
in the book, yes, that you have to
have some trust. You need to have an
intention for their goal. You need to come in with some
strong, positive emotions. You can't be angry or
disappointed with them. Because they'll then
not listen to you. And you need to hold people
in high regard that I trust. That you are able,
you're resourceful. And that you can
discover this on your own if I just ask the
right questions. So my purpose is
truly to help people to see things
differently, to change the conversations
in the workplace. In fact, what I
always tell leaders is they really want you
to be present more than they need
you to be perfect. And if you can help people
to actually stop and see their blind spots and
their sources of resistance where it becomes
present to them, yes, maybe they'll
feel uncomfortable. Maybe they'll be embarrassed. They'll be sad. They'll be angry. But then they'll grow. And we do this by
courageously coaching people, but using conscious listening. And just feeding
back what we hear and what we sense
so they can see these things for themselves. So, again, I really
want to start changing the
conversations we have so we are actually
helping people not just do their jobs well,
but to step into their highest selves of who they are
through conscious listening. So I hope that you join me. And we start really
listening to each other in a more powerful way. Thank you. [APPLAUSE] FEMALE SPEAKER: I think we have
a few minutes for questions if anybody has a question that
they would like to ask Marcia. AUDIENCE: So a lot
of what you said, I could see how it
applies very easily to one-on-one conversations. Do you have any
tips for doing this with a large group
of people at once? MARCIA REYNOLDS:
Yeah, well the example that I gave you with
the executive team was an entire group of people. And so it's the same thing. You want to have
a combined goal. What is it we're
trying to achieve here that it is difficult to reach? But, again, always allow people
to tell their stories first. So oftentimes we say, oh, I
don't want people to vent. And I want them to complain. But there's a seed
in the complaint. There's something you're going
to hear in the complaint. It's like, ah, that's the
thing that's holding them back. And so you want to
listen for that. And then when you hold
that up, it's like, well, I hear you say this. And yet you said this. And it kind of, like, collides. Or I can tell this is
really important to you. And yet you're being asked
to do something else. Is that the problem? So you listen to their story. And then you're going to find
in there what's the problem? You feed that back. And then ask the question. And that makes the difference. So you can do that
with an entire group. It's just that once they get
into the complaining thing, it can really take off. But that's OK. Because we have to have
it out on the table. My first job was in
a mental hospital. And they did this brilliantly. Whenever they had an
organizational change, or a layoff, they let everybody
sit in a circle group. And they said, OK,
what's going on? And everybody talked
about, they were angry. They were sad. And they got it out. And the leader didn't
have to promise anything. It was just take the
pressure cooker off. Let's just take a look at it. And, OK, now that we know that? What's stopping you
from moving forward? What is it we need to focus
on that we could actually put our energy into
making some change? So absolutely it
works with a group. And there's some
examples in the book. Thank you for that question. AUDIENCE: So you've
talked mostly about trying to help someone
else see their blind spots. What about the reverse? Where you want someone else to
help you see your blind spots? MARCIA REYNOLDS:
Well, actually that's why it's really good--
I suggest in the book that you work through
these things together. Because I have a coach. And I can't see my blind spot. And, yet, she's so amazing. She'll say, right, one
question, you know coaching. One question, and I'll
go, ah, of course! But I can't do it myself. So it's really great when you
have someone who will really listen and not want to
give you great advice. And they're just waiting
for you to shut up so they can tell you what to do. That's not helpful. But ask the question that makes
me stop and question myself. And boom, I break
down that barrier. I see something else. And I'm done. One question. So, yeah, I seek it out. If I'm stuck, I
seek it out always. So, again, there's a lot
of exercises in the book. And so you can do
these things together. And a lot of stuff
on my website, too, outsmartyourbrain.com. A lot of cases, and exercises,
and the visualization is on the website. And there's an assessment,
rate your discomfort zone. So you can assess
how well you deal with other people's discomfort. Because you have to
kind of, like, be OK, and let them go through that. And just breathe. And they'll be OK. You don't have to fix them. And then see what comes
out on the other side. So, yeah, thank you. FEMALE SPEAKER:
Well, Marcia, thank you so much for coming and
spending time with us today. I'm sure everyone's looking
forward to reading the book and practicing.
