I share my little corner of the world with
a small collection of humans and abundant wildlife. It is a quiet town in a sleepy valley. Not much happens here, I rarely travel far
from home, and I spend my days working mostly, enjoying little moments here and there to
myself where I can partake in some hobbies or potter about the garden, or make quaint
little videos like the one you’re seeing now. It’s therapeutic for me to step away from
the bustle of the world and exist differently, even if just for a moment or two. Usually, I use that time to create a haven
of my own design, to show through these videos a glimpse into my interior world. Daily life may feel mundane at times, but
I love to notice the subtle beauty, and take comfort in simplicity. I think comparison is a tendency we all have. Why isn’t my life more exciting, why do
they get to have that when I don’t? Why is it that I can work hard and still not
attain everything I wish? Life can be rather fickle that way. I remember when I was dealing with an illness
I suddenly became acutely aware of how free other people seemed, and romanticized their
ability to live with so much ease and joy in their own bodies. In contrast, I felt like I could barely live
with myself. I wanted so deeply to have inner peace, that
it felt like everyone was happier than I, and it was incredibly unfair. But that wasn’t true, at least, not in the
way I believed. And I now think it’s a pity that I spent
so much time comparing, when I could have taken inspiration from those very same people. I didn’t want their lives, not really, I
wanted the happiness I believed they possessed. A lot of these feelings, when unpacked reveal
so much about ourselves. For example, as a teen a friend of mine was
always looking at photographs of women she felt were beautiful, and let it fuel her desire
to look different. She didn’t like her face, her hair, her
eyes. She wanted a new body. Speaking to her on the subject years later,
she said that she realized that she didn’t truly want to change her face, she wanted
that feeling of self love when looking in mirror. The feeling of confidence in her own skin. Of wanting to know her worth, and not needing
other people to make her believe it. Changing her body wouldn’t have resolved
that, not over the long term. If you are chasing something external to feel
at peace with yourself, the cycle seems to never end. At least, that was my case as a competitive
student. I spent so many years trying to be the best
scholar I could, only to graduate, having finally accomplished the goal I thought would
change everything, and realizing that now I could only think of being being an even
better student. Being a professor, getting a phd. If I put my worth in my credentials, I’d
spend the rest of my life moving up an endless ladder. It was my choice when I would say, no, this
is enough. I have enough. I am content with the way things are. Once I became aware of this pattern, of aiming
for something and then being disappointed once i got it, I began to question everything. So many patterns in life, in my series of
toxic relationships, in my eventual dislike of any job I had, my tendency to circle back
to my former eating disorder in order to avoid facing that fact that my life was my own. It’s scary to realize you have that power
to shape your reality, and deal with the consequences. If there is one thing I learned from my illness
and the personal growth that was required to overcome it, is that becoming the person
you want to be is rarely a linear path. It’s a cycle of forward and backward movement
that slowly gets you to a good place. It takes patience and comapssion, and while I don’t know that
I’m there yet, I do know that
it gets easier with time
