Questioner: How should one deal with teenagers? Sadhguru: I think you’re little too old
to deal with teenagers. See (Laughs) every age is a problem (Laughter). No, no I’m talking about the ages - Stone
Age was a problem, Iron Age was a problem, Bronze Age is a problem, Computer
Age - serious problem (Laughter). Isn’t it so? Middle Ages was serious problems, Modern Age
is immense problem, Teenage - another problem. I hope you had a normal birth and (Few laugh)… Hmm? You were born normally? So if you were born normally you were born
like this (Gestures) and slowly grew up and somebody counted your age and you also passed
through thirteen, fourteen, fifteen which you are referring to as teen. This is as just a… a certain developmental
stage like an infancy, like childhood, like adult… like adolescence, adulthood, old
age, middle age, whatever – these are all different… we are trying to segment it but
essentially this is a physical journey of a body. Tell me one phase of your life
which is not really a problem. Some are suffering infancy problems, some
are suffering (Laughs) toddler problems, some are suffering childhood problems, some are
suffering teenage problems, some are going through middle age problems,
some are going through old age problems, some have transcended all problems (Laughter). Yes! If you look at it in this context, every
phase of life is a problem - then death is the only solution. If you look at every aspect of life as a problem,
what is the solution? Death is the only solution. Now the moment you identify
every phase of life as a problem, unconsciously you start seeking
death - please know this - for yourself
and those around you. You do not know this but you’re creating an ecosystem in your mind
where the solution is to be free from all this. You came here to experience life. Instead of calling this
different facets of life, you’re calling it different problems
that you have. If you die you will have
funeral problems (Laughter) because it’s not easy to have a funeral in
Mumbai City, no more dignified funeral, isn’t it? Tch, yes? There is no four people carrying you, your whole family and friends walking behind you
with a drum – no more like that. Bumm,
peee, peee, peee stuck in the traffic. Even dead you are stuck in the traffic (Laughter/Applause). I want you to understand this - there are
various types of situations in your life, they’re just situations. Some you know how to handle, some you are
yet to know how to handle. Whatever you do not know how to
handle, you call it a problem. The moment you call something a problem, the
moment you identify a situation it's a simple situation; because you have not equipped
yourself to handle the situation, you call it a problem. The moment you call it a problem, unpleasantness
is a natural consequence of that. Your children are growing up,
it should be a joyful moment. Yes? They’ve become teenagers means
they are growing rapidly, yes? Or in other words unfortunately they are
beginning to become like you (Laughter). And you’re distressed (Laughter) because
you can see they’re becoming like you, I can understand (Laughter/Applause). “No Sadhguru, that is not the problem, they’re
beginning to become something different. They don’t even look like
my children anymore” (Laughter). We have… We have eulogized, we have unfortunately
eulogized helpless states of life. When you say infancy and childhood, what you’re
talking about is a certain phase of our life when we are pretty helpless. Without outside help we
cannot survive or be anything. So we have eulogized this. Even so-called spiritual teachers are going
about saying, “I am a child.” I don’t want to meet an adult who is a child. It’s another way of saying I’m retarded
(Laughter) (Laughs). If you are stuck for your life in a six-year-old’s
body, you are called dwarfed, isn’t it? I’m using bad words - I know… it’s not
politically correct words - okay you are height-impaired (Laughter), vertical impairment
has happened to you. If you are stuck in the… in a six-year-old’s
mind, you are mentally retarded - no, you are, what? Participants: Differently abled ___ (Inaudible)
Sadhguru: Differently abled you become. These are pretty words all right, we don’t want to insult people who are in
such situations, we appreciate that… but… if you are eulogizing
that state of a helpless phase in our lives, which is childhood where without somebody
else’s support we cannot exist, if you eulogise that, you will remain that way
forever and that’s what has happened. “I cannot live without you” - do not understand
this as some kind of a love affair. It is just like saying “I cannot
walk without a crutch.” “I’m fine the way I am but still I am willing to include you
and involve my life with you,” this is of great value. “I cannot live without you” is not of
any great value (Applause). “I can live without anybody’s attention but I am willing to throw myself with absolute
involvement with whoever is here right now” - this is of value. Because you are eulogizing helplessness or
helpless phases of our life… when you were a little baby, you can’t
even pee by yourself, somebody has to take you. I’m saying “I’m like a child” means
then I’m looking where are the diapers, please let’s (Laughter) give him one,
you know (Laughs). No. Now what’s happening with the so-called teenagers is you got used to your child as a helpless creature, now if he’s finding his
own feet, tch, you don’t like it. You want to condense him, you do boo,
booboo, my booboo (Laughter) - what you need is a toy or a doll to
play with… or maybe a dog. A couple was struggling not able to make a
decision whether to have children or not. The debate between the husband and wife was
- the husband wants to have children, the wife says it’s not necessary, we can get
a dog instead (Laughter). Because they couldn’t settle it, they went
to a marriage counselor. So they said, “We are not able to make up our mind
whether to have children or to get a dog, what should we do?” So marriage counselor said,
“This is very simple, you want to ruin your carpets or your life -
you must decide” (Laughter/Applause). So you must understand this (Laughs), if your life is a concrete block - when I say a concrete
block - it has clear defined boundaries – "This is what I am,” like just now Anupam was
saying - even a, you know, a little child is saying “This is how I am.” That means I’ve become a concrete block. Because a certain amount of stupid
information has come my way, with this I have formed a
definition of what I am. So once I have formed a clear concrete block
kind of definition to who I am, concrete if two blocks meet with great passion,
what will happen (Laughter)? If there is a loose boundary to you, if two people come with great passion
wonderful things of union may happen. Otherwise two concrete blocks clash what
happens, you know - friction (Laughs). Friction and breaking of one of the concrete
blocks or both will happen (Laughs). So once you become like a concrete block,
you should not beget more concrete blocks, because you are incapable of including another
life as a part of yourself, because you have defined the boundaries
of who you are so absolutely, you should not even get married if you ask me because two concrete blocks living together…
all right it may make a house, it’ll not make a home (Laughs). Concrete blocks together will
make a house, isn’t it? Nothing more beautiful than that will happen. We’re already too overbuilt in Mumbai (Laughs), we don’t have to build more, okay? So children, when they come, when they are
helpless and for everything they look up to you, you think your children are magical
because they are helpless. Suppose the baby popped out of you and stood
up and said, “Hey, who the hell are you” (Laughter)? You won’t like this baby (Laughter). But he takes fourteen, fifteen years to ask
that question (Laughter/Applause). In fact that is all a teenager is asking,
“Okay, who the hell are you” (Laughter)? So if you want to be somebody to
that fresh life which has come you must not have defined
boundaries of who you are. Like when the child was infant, when it crawled
you crawled with him. Now your teenager wants to swing, you must
be able to swing with him. No you still want to crawl with him
(Laughter), he is not interested (Laughs). He is beginning to ask… Parents are looking ridiculous
in the eyes of adolescence. Yes or no? Didn’t your parents look ridiculous in your
eyes, unless you were old by
the time you were twelve (Laughter). If you were young and energetic,
your parents looked ridiculous because they think still you need
to be crawled around and chochoo, momomoo, puppupooo to you (Laughs) (Laughter). Everyday life is changing within you
because you’re growing rapidly and the fools around you not able to
grasp that, whoever they are. Usually grandparents become little more endearing
than parents because they have little faraway look you know (Laughs), little faraway look because teenage means you are slowly getting poisoned by your hormones, old age means you are being
released from that (Laughter), so they kind of understand (Laughter/Applause). So those of you, who’re in middle age have
no clue where the hell you are (Laughter). Even historically the middle-agers represent
a confused state of mind (Laughs) (Laughter). So don’t deal with your teenagers. Please make them… make
yourself available to be dealt by them, make them responsible for everything (Applause). One month - I’m… I’m telling you - one month you have the courage to hand over your monthly income to
them and say manage the house - just give them responsibility -
you will see dramatically it will change, you know. Because…
you must understand I am… I have been a telephonic father, okay (Laughs)? From the age of three-and-a-half months, my
girl travelled with me, alone in the car. We built the Isha Foundation in a Maruti 800
travelling thousands of miles. In one calendar year or actually in fourteen
months I did hundred-and-thirty-five-thousand
kilometers on my Maruti, okay (Laughs)? So she was three-and-a-half months old, one
hand on her in the front seat strapped and my right leg doesn’t go
easy, you know, boom. So she grew up in the car till
she was four years of age. I thought I’ll never send her to school
because we had bonded and she’s… she had such wisdom (Laughs) because
she’s seenthe road, she’s seen the people, she’s been in all kinds of families. I thought I shouldn’t mess this up by sending
her to a school (Laughter) but, you know, that age group, that company, unless you have a whole cricket team of children at home just one child doesn’t work, just keeping them alone because they may
become too old when they are young. So I put her to school after that. After that she is always continuously
in one hostel to another and… but we kept a very active engagement,
thanks to the ss… cellphones. Earlier it was the black phone,
I would stop somewhere on the highway because I know only at a particular time
you can call her in the school. The school opens that “phone time” only
one hour, so I am somewhere on a highway, find that black phone and get on and for that
one hour I’m on the phone with her. That side for her all the children
outside are screaming at her, here at the booth all the people
are banging on the booth (Laughter). I always had this thing at that time, I’m
driving on the highway I have many, many phone calls to make
local, international, all kind. First I would get down and go to that phone
booth guy and give him one five thousand rupees. He’ll be surprised, I said,
“Just… just hold it.” Deposit (Laughter). And I get into the phone booth and now I am
a valued customer (Laughter/Applause). The other people come and they want to make
the call within three minutes and they are all standing in a queue and
making faces at me in ges… gesticulating. But the… that guy says, “No, don’t disturb
him” (Laughter/Applause) (Laughs) because straight 5000 rupees,
I’m making International calls, all calls because there were
no cell phones at that time. So I find this time and speak and after
that she went to college and then everything whatever she’s been pursuing, always on phone and
we’ve kept a very active engagement and we’ve never really stayed home. If she comes for vacation next day we’ll
be travelling somewhere - somewhere, somewhere, but never really at home but a
very active relationship I kept with her largely on the phone (Laughs). Thanks to all the telephone
waves that are going on. So it was such an active engagement. Why I am saying this is… and whenever - I
saw there’s a certain intelligence in every child I’m not trying to project this is
a special child - no, she’s just normal, brought up in a special way for sure (Laughs). So the thing is just this if she
comes home or if she is with me I leave all my important decisions in her hands. She… She is only five, six, people’s problems, Foundation issues,
administration - I just I just put it to her. She comes up with her own whacky solutions. But five out of ten times she would come out
with something brilliant. This is not… I want you to understand I’m
not projecting this is a special child, it is just that most people never give
that opportunity to a child’s intelligence because they want to do bubububoo,
dududoo with the child (Laughter). I never bought toys for her I… if she wanted
to play I took her out for a walk in the jungle, I put her up on a tree. She learned to
climb trees and do things and stuff. Never bought her toys, ever. Here and there somebody gifted but she never
was interested in them because there were more exciting things. I caught snakes for her, I caught garden lizards
for her (Laughter) I… more exciting things, live things to play with (Laughs). You… If you want to really do
something with your children, you must allow them to expand because that’s all they’re trying to do. Their body is not the only thing that’s growing,
the potential of being human being is growing, you must allow them to expand. Instead of that you are seeing
how to constrict them. Then you will have a huge problem. Whether… If you have boys,
you will have one kind of problem, if you have girls you will
have another kind of problem. If you try to restrict… You think restriction is a
good way of controlling life - no! Responsibility will put them on the track. Hand over your money to them and tell them
this month you… you’re on vacation, you handle this, whichever way. You… You’re afraid “Maybe he’ll go and blow
it up, what’ll happen tomorrow?” If he blows it up what happens to you, will
happen to him also, let him go through it for a month (Laughter). Of course you can keep some reserve but let
him understand if he blows it up tomorrow morning, there’ll be no breakfast and let him go through that, what’s the problem,
let him understand that’s the way it is. It’s better to learn in a protected, caring atmosphere
than out on the street tomorrow morning isn't it? And above all, above all- drop this damn thing
that your child belongs to you. If you think this child belongs to you, when
he is just becoming… coming into teens, he is telling you, “Goddammit I don’t
belong to you” (Laughter). That’s all he is trying to tell you which
you are not able to digest. Another life does not belong to you. If another life has chosen to be with you,
please cherish that, it’s a tremendous thing (Applause). Whether it’s your husband or your wife or
your children - they don’t belong to you. You don’t own them in any sense. If you don’t get it, you will understand
when you die or they die. They don’t belong to you. Another life has chosen to come
through you or be with you - cherish that, value that - don’t
think you are the owner of this life. You are not! So if you believe that you are
the owner of your life - a teenager is beginning to make his own statements, “Well, you don’t goddamn own me.” He’s just telling you that, that’s all,
in his own language. Yes or no?
Participants: Yes. Sadhguru: They’re just telling you -
you don’t own me. But do they do… as a another human
being you think they don’t want be included? They definitely want to be included. So teenage means -
there’re many things, because -one thing is your intelligence is
being hijacked by your hormones, so certain things are happening.
Suddenly the world doesn’t look the same. Some scrawny little girl in your neighborhood,
who you were… had nothing to do with, suddenly there’re little bumps on her body
and your chemistry is poisoned. You look at her, suddenly it’s a new world. The whole world is looking different. What was just people has suddenly
becoming male and female. It’s not a small change, you know, what were just people are suddenly becoming something else and something else. Suddenly you are interested in only
half the humanity, tch (Laughter). It’s a huge change. You will see boys don’t even look at their
mothers directly because they still can’t take their eyes off the body parts. You must understand this, that it is new and
he is like trying to come to terms with it. If you were a good friend if they had problems, if they had
struggles they would talk to you. Because most parents are lousy friends, they
make other friends and those friends give their own whacky advice
because they are also in the same state (Laughter). It is best, if your child has a problem they
come to you, isn’t it? Yes? But they will not come to you if you are a
boss, they will not come to you if you
have ownership over that life, they will not come to you
if you are that horrible father or mother. They will come to you if you are a good friend because when they have problems it
is natural for them to seek a friend. So make sure from an early age that you are
their best friend - till they reach eighteen, twenty, you are their best friend,
make it that way. And this you have to earn, this will not drop
because you delivered them. Because you delivered them you get the title
of mother and father, you will not get the title of a friend. This has to be earned on everyday responsible
behavior from you (Applause). I don’t want to go too hard on you, we’ll
leave you here (Laughs) (Laughter).
