How a couple’s embryo donation became the ‘gift of life’ | Australian Story

[Music] the day that we went to meet Jess and JP I was incredibly nervous you know what are you where what do you say what he gonna talk about this could all be a big disaster I guess the thing for me was will they like us I mean maybe they might walk away and think oh it was really nice to meet them that I don't really think that there are other people yeah there were some nerves I think maybe one way that we handle nervousness is we like have a sense of humor I was just always of leaping I was gonna copy myself and I'll just gone be me you know I'm not gonna try and be someone that I'm not there was that underlying elephant the room we all know what we're here for and when are we gonna raise it and discuss it and talk about it I really wanted to make it feel like that they weren't on the hardest interview of their life I was scared that it might be another huge disappointment another part of this journey which doesn't work out but it was to be a gift to turn my back on it from the minute we stepped in the house it felt right they just seemed like the people that you'd want to raise a child of yours made nice me I was worried about how JP and Jess were going to feel giving up a genetically bonded child I understand their willingness to to give a gift of life but what process did they go through to make sure this was right for them this is not something that you do lightly this is a little human I wanted just to think of everything that she could possibly think of I would hope to have thought that 10 or 15 years down the track you think how could I have you know given my child or somebody richard i met 15 years ago when we both working in the travel industry on our first date richard very soon pulled out a photograph of tyler had a four year old son then i thought that was really lovely because it showed his family values right from the first day after ever and i got married we were really motivated to you know to grow our own family and have a and have a baby of our own but a year passed and nothing happened and that's when it dawned on me that this might not be as easy as we thought it was going to be so you download the apps and you look at population cycles and i had acupuncture for fertility chinese herbs exercising more exercising less we looked into adoption we did multiple rounds of artificial insemination and then really you start heading into hardcore IVF this reminds me of when I was I was just a yo-yo in and out for years years and years there were times when she thought you know I they've got all these eggs and then none of them survive or are there's only to survive no no they're not good enough but there were times when it looked like there was gonna be a great ending and that just never happened and to do that for ten years is just unimaginable it's cruel do you need anything else not being at a provide children to your husband or provide grandchildren to your parents there's this huge sense of failure that goes with that it's really tough seeing yep you know your wife your partner beating themselves up so much about something that you know it's kind of out of their control watching somebody do that to themselves you know pretty challenging [Music] thank you measure JP and I met when we were in school and then got together ten years ago when we were working for a sporting goods company I think it was like pretty early 2010 I suppose when it like got serious married in 2013 and then yeah pretty quick after getting married it was like so family we started trying and it wasn't working for the you know the first six months and I think that's quite normal and then after about two years when we came to starting that full IVF process alright we were very fortunate that once we finally had the science behind us everything worked really well we were lucky enough to have 22 eggs harvested which is an amazing number after the fertilization process we ended up with eight viable embryos the first embryo transfer resulted in a successful pregnancy Jessa's words were so we just thought we might let you know that you're gonna be grandparents we ended up having to have an emergency Caesar and then they held her up and I couldn't even I just looked over and I was like she's here yeah it was my boy Savannah was about ten months when we decided to go back and again like for whatever reason a little miracle happened first time nineteen months later Cohen comes along and and a little boy to vote so which was just wonderful I think my first words were well he looks like Savannah a boy version one thing that I'm really excited for and also nervous about is raising the little ones with a sense of kindness and humility I want to be able to teach them that being kind is so important [Music] in 2017 we did an IVF cycle and it went pretty poorly dr. Jose Danny he included more tests on myself and realized that you know it wasn't it wasn't just one side it wasn't just about him and up and how to make a baby it was it was on both of us we stopped taking the pill we reviewed all of the medical history and at that moment after just going through everything I realized that this wasn't going to happen to us and it was time to give up we know that there's been a problem inside of the pelvis with the endometriosis part of our work as fertility specialists is to say you've done everything that you can it's time to move on with other aspects of your life but we will just thank for that yourself you know you picked it up and hopefully would give someone some closure to allow people to stop I was pretty philosophical about it to protect myself you know excited to ember a lot you know we will live a life a billion people would love to live and if these are some of the greatest challenges we have to face in life we're done all right like it ain't too bad it's it's really confronting and devastating but you just have to look you know how can we make the family unit we as myself and Richard and my stepson Tyler even stronger and make that our focus I was quite surprised that just a couple of months later mi returned sometimes one door closes and a window opens you know and this is the situation with Emma Jackie and I felt very certain that our family was complete and every time we got a bill in the mail for the embryo storage it was just a little reminder that we had to make the decision as to what we needed to do with the six remaining embryos when someone is completed their family for them to have surplus embryos it's not just an easier decision to go okay we're finished let's move on their choices are to dispose of them thaw them out but not transfer them or there would be the option to don't know they donate them to science or research what the other options would be to donate them to a couple or someone else wanting a child I was very strong on not just letting go of them to be able to donate them back to the doctors to learn some more I think that's really what I wanted originally and then we were informed that they're not doing any research on them in the near future so then that was that through a kind of spanner in the works a strain legislation is very strict on what can be done with embryos in order to use them for scientific purposes a specific license needs to be given to a unit there are very few clinics that actually have such a license we had to ask ourselves a lot of questions before we entertained the idea of the donations I did a bit of a google search and the only real thing that I could find was essentially a classified people were just putting their ads out there just requesting eggs or sperm or embryos and I guess that didn't sit well with us [Music] when Cole was a couple months old I was having coffee with a girlfriend of mine and it just so happened that she had said I actually have friends of ours that have had quite the IVF journey with no success and I was all ears and I said let's me was a Friday night walking to a local bar around the corner from where we live and halfway along we got a message from my friend she said you know another friends and they've got some fertilized embryos and they're looking to donate them to the right couple would you be interested in exploring this was a curve ball out of left field in my mind part of doing IVF was always about you know creating a small version of us it then becomes it was at about just you know creating another human any which way that you can as soon as we got the message I knew it's something I wanted to explore Richard said I thought we're done this conversation was done and I said yeah it was done before we knew this opportunity existed I was leaning towards no selfishly I didn't have the same drivers what Emma did I know the love that I have for Tyler and I was extremely mindful of would I have that same depth of love for for another person you know that genetically wasn't mine no I was extremely hurt by that comment because I've had a stepchild from age 4 to age 19 and I know firsthand that you can unconditionally love a child that is not yours we had a few discussions or fights or tears over the whole thing it was either going to go richard would say no and i would be forever disappointed and potentially resentful or richard would say yes and he would feel bullied into a decision that he wasn't 100% committed to and what does that then mean for our family unit so it was probably when most difficult times and conversations that we've had in the 15 years that we've been together richard rang and i said to him we were all love that baby like our own and I said to Richard think about Emma she will actually have the joy of going through the beginnings of motherhood right up to the the moment the baby's born I had you know a lot of time to think about it and then I made a decision to stop leaning towards no and made a conscious decision that I would say yes to you know continue exploring this as an option [Music] today's the day that we are going to go and meet a couple that are willing to donate their frozen embryos so 100% genetically theirs I'm extremely nervous but I'm really really excited that this opportunity has come my way g'day it's February in 2018 that we met Emma and Richard from the minute we stepped in the house it felt right like we were comfortable and nothing was forced here today when I had their kids there's a girl what do they look like cuz maybe that's what our our person would look like so was it just a conversation is Potter for dinner one night he was like no it was it was actually we got the letter in the mail you know for the storage they came across as a really really loving couple and so tight with the emotional roller coaster that was going on if they're still as tight as what we saw that they were man they're strong they're really strong like what what better scenario to be able to give a gift to someone it's heartbreaking to think there are so many people out there that have to give up the dream of ever having children mm-hm we sort of got home and got the kids to bed and looked at each other and said yeah it's a no-brainer for us it's almost a gift to them as you've you've gone through so much you deserve you deserve this and we're we're able to give this to you at no cost to us why Oh we'd be blessed well didn't we yeah yeah we're lucky to have found someone to be able to give a gift too [Music] I'm really excited Richard's really on board as well he is he is really excited I could stand in him yesterday so this is definitely definitely the right decision can't wait all right they the four of us had a counseling session I think we were very fortunate that all of us were very level-headed and we were all on the same page in a counseling session we speak about all the issues that are involved which would be legislation expectations the child's right to knowing their genetic identity what relationships they will expect from the recipients often there's a very big difference between your cognitive thoughts but what you could actually do because the ramifications are big we had to think about how would I feel about Savannah and Cohen having a sibling out there how would I feel when I see Emma pregnant how would I feel when I get the news about the birth of Emma and Richards baby but once we had made the decision to donate and especially to Emory Richard the emotion of what we were able to give them totally outweigh any other emotion of feeling that that's my child was there any contract drawn up for the relationship you would have once that baby was born no there were no contracts looks like a gentleman's handshake that did you ever offer payment for the embryo no and how do you put a monetary value on on a human life did we talk about it absolutely and truth be told we never would have taken a cent that's that's not why we did it I said and was the best gift that you could actually give us is for us to be in your lives for the rest of our life and you know if that didn't happen then it would break my heart but I would I would have to understand that that was all part of the process and that's a risk we take in doing this whole thing on the day of transfer my appointment was 12 noon and 12 noon came and 12:00 noon went and it was quarter past it was twenty past Jess and JP have ownership of the embryos right until the day of transfer so it was always in the back of my mind that they could change their mind I was just after 12:30 and then the scientist walks up to me and says really sorry the embryo we thought out if you didn't survive the defrosting process and my heart just sank I think he saw that look on my face and then he quickly followed that by saying but don't worry we've defrosted a second one and it's of beautiful quality so we had the embryo transfer and there's a there's always a you know a two-week wait but you need to sit through and then she got you know the answer that we were never used to congratulations you pregnant first pregnancy I've ever had in my life it just felt so far and even saying it like it was scary to even say the words I don't know that we really believed it was going to happen we didn't and then the unthinkable happened at eight weeks there was bleeding and it was quite serious bleeding and I just said it's over that's it I just hope it's over there's always a concern about a threatened miscarriage at that stage thankfully an ultrasound scan confirmed a heartbeat and it's when you hear that little dog going that's just an incredible moment weed said to Jamie's parents so we have some news for you guys Savannah in Cohen are gonna have a sibling and they looked at us I was like I'm not carrying it it's not going to be our baby well that was I couldn't no words it was it no words my family not that it was a really strict Catholic home at all but I did feel like there may have been some questions asked about the morality of it one of the major questions was how do you think you're gonna feel when you first meet this baby or are you going to meet this baby there's a thousand things there's a thousand things you could talk about and bring up what happens if something happens to Cohen and or Sammy what happens down the track if you you know if you've you think how could I have done this I am successfully 11 weeks pregnant today she said to me mum whatever you're gonna throw at me I've thought of everything all my fears were allayed there's no issue whatsoever because I know that they did the groundwork that they needed to do for themselves after every doctor's appointment she would call or message and it made made me feel really good that we were a part of the journey as well Emma was really anxious you know through the whole pregnancy I think we both were she got to a point where she was sure that he wasn't growing or he wasn't moving enough she'd just about want to see a doctor every week and have lots of scans and I couldn't do or say anything to make that any different for her I had a planned cesarean because I just didn't want anything to go wrong at the 11th hour you're there and supportive of your wife which accessories pregnancy but it wasn't until he came out that day really caught me by surprise and and it was like instantaneous and I remember seeing him down on the little little bed that he had to go on so they could check him out and just sit was like he got me it was like love at first sight and you're being born is absolute miracle and it's just incredible so such a you know a special little person it wasn't until that night in hospital that it really had a profound impact on me and I just looked at him after feeding him and he just looked up at me you're overwhelmed with love [Music] I found choosing a name really overwhelming and really difficult we just said you're at Tyler this has been a pretty big decision here's the shortlist you can choose and he said yep Henry I'm so excited and absolutely the love bubble to have little Henry here in our life and Henry if you're watching this we overwhelmed with love and affection and adore you so much good morning Henry was two weeks old when we first met him all right what are we gonna wear today and I had thought of how I would react are we gonna see today some very important people I just couldn't stop crying that morning I'm trying to pull myself together before they got here I was just kind of doing stuff in the kitchen and keeping myself busy was a pretty emotional day in a great way he likes a nice solid pop the bottom just picked up Henry straight away and you know I looked over and I saw the five of them together and you can't help but think having that moment well that's what their family unit could have looked like a little tickle on easier to hold him it was it was amazing and the kids they were really infatuated with him I asked Jess you know it was weird you know genetic leas is their baby but when they leave he stays he stays with us you know he's now where his mum and dad not for one moment do I think that's my baby we didn't make the decision of donation lightly and when we made it we made it and it was final really in my head they've got a beautiful little baby that's Richard Nemours that's a good little baby he has a no we haven't had to do with any sickness or haven't had to do what thought have you given to how Henry might one day feel about the choice she made I think it somewhat depends on how Emma and Richard frame it up to him throughout his life we think mums definitely the favorite hopefully he would feel just grateful that he was able to be part of a beautiful family children have a right to know their genetic identity they want to know that they weren't lied to and every child wants to be loved and to have to get the message that they were loved and wanted well before they were created is an incredible gifts we quickly drew the conclusion that we were open to him knowing exactly how he came to be you know alive and that makes him even more special [Music] quite interesting I like both grandmas think there's something magic what happens in the womb are we gonna get a smile when I first saw it I got Emma's photo of her as a newborn and they are so alike I was remembering Richard and then looking at the baby and thinking gosh they look similar it was very surprising I just feel overwhelmed holding him in my arms I just it's just so precious and so special but that curly hair that's a dead giveaway isn't it he's got Cohen's know it's like JP Claire made up a little gift and I remember thinking that's great but we may never even meet this child and that was a pretty emotional time for me even though I do feel that could be a grandparent hope you don't have that right until I receive I guess permission from the parents always Henri comes from a great family and I hope one day that I have the chance to tell him about that family but I want Emma and Richard to know that we were so happy for them the level of gratitude and appreciation that we have for them and the gift that they've given us it's um it's really incredible this little embryo was never going to have a life and we've just disposed of it so for us it's also heartwarming to think that they've also given us a gift in that they gave him a life that we were never gonna give him I don't think any of us expected this to be as good as it has been it has absolutely been a perfect relationship between rich in myself and Jess and JP it's playing out that we've become great friends the joy that I now see in Emma is like nothing that I have ever seen previously that's really good is is also known around he comforts a little family you can't always pick how these things might unfold but it feels you know super fortunate with how it's come together [Music] [Music] you [Music] you

Channel: ABC News In-depth

Views: 318,761

Keywords: news, abc, abc news, australia, embryo donation, embryo, freezing embryos, fertility, fertility struggles, fertility solutions, medical intervention, Dr Anusch Yazdani, Queensland Fertility Clinic, Antonia Solomon, babies, pregnancy, donor embryo, donor sperm, donor egg, infertility, infertility story, couples, couple, family, reproductive medicine, reproductive science, in vitro fertilization, children, child

Id: xM79ybt6Kpg

Length: 29min 40sec (1780 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 30 2019