- All right, Tyrone,
how are you doing great. Great. Welcome back. Thank you. So your last talk here was - Well, we talked about
the boogeyman, you know and you got standards,
I guess you can say. I really wanted to be part
of and wanting to be liked. You know, I mean, I got so much attention from the boogeyman, you know, it's just it kinda kind of felt good, you know and when you're a kid,
you need that attention. - Was it, was it kind
of a replacement for the what you weren't getting from your dad? Right? It was a replacement
who was a placement. - I want it, I want it to be part of it. I wanted to be like, you know, when when they when you do,
when you make mistakes when you're a kid, you
know, people tell you you ain't gonna be nothing. You ain't gonna be. You don't see it, or
God going to punish you. I mean, I mean, it, I
mean, you putting fear. I have fear. I had it out of fear. You know what I mean? I was the only child for a long time. You know what I'm saying? For a long time, I was the only child. And when this man, if we
said my so-called brother I didn't even know if my
brother cause my father for my father's first marriage,
he was sticking around. And that, like I said, I found that out later that he was
giving me so much attention. It's like, I ended up blocking it. You know what I'm saying? And plus I was the only child you know what I mean for a long time. And I needed that attention, man. And I enjoyed it as time went by. - Well, it sounded like you
had very little guidance very little role models, nothing like that - Was lost. I was really lost. And as I got older, I still
wanted that attention. No, I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be a part of,
you know what I'm saying? But I had so much pain and,
and I tried to hide the pain and I still try to hide it today. You know, I dress up the outside,
but the inside is hurting. Do you use any, I mean,
I drink, I do drugs just to kill the pain. I got a lot of pain. And, and when you, you
got to understand when you are conditioned a certain
way, you know, it's hard to recondition yourself because you've been that
way so long, you know? And it's a part - Of me the formative years. Yeah. - I mean, how can I, I've
been conditioned, I'm 54. I've been conditioned 50 some years. And all of a sudden I try
to recondition myself two or three weeks or a month
that figures that 57 years is much stronger. You know what I'm saying? In the months or weeks, and
it's going to come right back because it's so normal to
me, you know what I'm saying? I enjoy, I enjoy pain. It's a part of me. I enjoy, I enjoy, I enjoy being here. I enjoyed that because if
something don't have actually to back when I was a kid, if
you didn't yell at me or a golf on me or tip on me, I figured
it was something wrong. I mean, we, you know what I'm saying? You ain't did, you ain't
hollered at me in a while. You know what I'm saying? That's how - Women end up with abusive
boyfriends over and over again - Because it comes apart. You know what I'm saying? And I didn't, I didn't,
I didn't understand a lot of things when I was a
kid, because, you know I tried to pay attention to
see when I used to go to go out with moms and pops, they
had their little parties. I couldn't hang out with my cousins because they was too old. So I had to stay home with the old people while they was doing their
drinking and dancing. And my only friend was princess. That was the dog, me and
the dog hung out a lot. But I used to sneak and get the beers. How's your drink? Old style in Chicago was. They used to have old stuff. So I used to go in new refrigerator and drink the beers, sneak
by their unit, drink it. I mean, drunk playing cards. And I will get precious on the dogs and me and me and the dog
would drink and have fun. I hung out with the dog,
you know what I'm saying? Because I was too young and
hang out with my cousin. They wouldn't, they
wouldn't take me anywhere. They didn't want me to take them. So when they left out, no
people had their little parties and play cards and drinking and smoking. They herb. Then I had to go in the back with the dog but I was sneaking in later because and this would happen every week. So I was becoming conditioned in myself again to kill the pain. So that was one thing
I was killing the pain. You know, I first started
smoking herbs when I was 10 years old in fifth grade I used to have a friend of mine. Mother used to give us
weed every day at school but we had to come to their house. We had to go to his house
and smoke it upstairs. And we shot basketball in the backyard. And I been drinking beforehand because hanging out at the little parties with pop mom pops, if they little party. So I was drinking, sneaking,
drinking beers anyway. And when I was a kid pops, when I had cold she used to give me a Hardy tardy you hardly taught it was whiskey at limit. And I enjoyed that because
he went down strong but he killed the pain. So I used to sneak and drink the whiskey crown roar, Royal, crown,
whatever you call that. Yeah, I remember that know,
and, and the pain became so fun because when I'm medicated,
I enjoy Medicaid. So I enjoyed the pain and
I joined Medicaid now. And, and I just, where
I grew up, you know, I really grew up. And as I growing up, I
still wanted to be part of so I wanted the friends
to like me, you know if you didn't like me, I
figured it was something wrong. You know what I'm saying? But I enjoyed the pain, but I
wanted to be liked a part of you know what I'm saying? And you know, somebody told me, I mean if you want to be a doctor you can't hang around doctors
and do what doctors do. And I remember when
the person told me that but I hung around with
people who abused me talks talk bad to me because
that's what I wanted. That's what I enjoyed. Cause if you didn't, if
you didn't do that to me I think as long as I'm
conditioned that way. Yeah. I think it - And if somebody loved
you and respected you when you were six years old,
you'd be a different person. You'd respond to different things. Yeah. - It's probably a different things. But as it, since he wasn't like that. And if you did try to, if you
didn't yell at me or didn't it gave me some depth
with different reaction I figured something wrong
because I enjoyed the action the action, what you had
before became a part of me. - Yeah. Your condition
conditioned that way. And you know what I'm saying? And when I was going up and as you trip on pops, like, man, what's
wrong with him, man. He tripping. He used to tell him, man it ain't his fault because
he's conditioned that way. And that's how it was. That's why I'm still conditioned. That's how I looked at
work when I was young because I used to go like, man,
you said it ain't his fault. And as I got older and I never forgot what
he said about that person. So I cramped on her
that it's not my fault. It's not my fault. You know? So, and it's hard to recondition because when you put that
Roe in front of the condition it's an action word, reconditioning. I enjoy being just the way I am. I enjoy the pain. I mean, man, I'm four
years over half a century. - No, usually it's too late to change. - You know, they told me, I
learned that it's hard to change but you have to transform
just like a butterfly a Caterpillar turning into a butterfly. You cannot go back to a Caterpillar. But man cha I mean, when you change you change back to what and transform. It's hard for me to
transform so long after I meant something like just wait 57 years. So if I, if I try to change, you got give me another 50, some years to Jay. I don't want to leave before I change. At least I can match it up and compare. But otherwise net 50, some
years, it's too strong. You know? So, you know, I'm going to keep doing keep living the way I'm
living and by the grace of God and your mercy, you know that maybe put people
in my life, at least in my path to help me here
and there, you know, but I'm still gonna stick around
the same people I stick around. I'm still gonna do the
same thing I do because I enjoy it because I'm conditioned. - It's what you're familiar
with a certain way. - I really be honest with you. I really don't want to change. You know, I really,
they, you know, somebody if you had a chance to do it all again would you do a different no because if I do it all over again it's going to happen the
same way it happened. I mean, if I do it all over again different people who have
to be my life for me to be different. Yeah. - I think the conditioning
becomes so powerful when you came in, imagine growing
up with two loving parents you can't imagine you would reject it because it's too weird, right? - It's, it's, it's
familiar to me, you know? And - And that's why people have
such a hard time breaking out of these because they
conditioned a certain way. Yeah. If they were abused as kids they're going to recreate
that they need to be abused. That's the only kind of partner
that will work with them. That will satisfy them. Is somebody who - Who abused them. I bet. And like I say, it's normal. It's a normal, it's normal to them. It might be weird to you,
but to a different visual. But to me it's normal. It's the way I live. That's my life. And I wouldn't be able
to see any difference. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. I'm couldn't - You were, you were how
old, when this was all going on six years, what are you
supposed to do at that age? - I wanted to do is go with
the flow because you, you you're not strong enough and you don't want favorite character. One when I was a kid, Batman,
I really enjoyed that man. Cause he had all them toys. You know what I'm saying? At everybody guys, I just,
the little friends, I they liked the Superman. Superman was I, he had always drama fascinated stream bulleted
and all that thrown in the local motor train. That's when we were
kid, he'd say all that. But I liked the Batman
because he had so many toys. That means you had it as good. And it was, it was Batman. He was a thinker. You know what I'm saying? Batman. But see Batman
went through a lot of too. A lot of stuff too. Excuse me. A lot of stuff. Cause it, him and his
parents, they went, they they kind of neglected him too. That's why he became Batman. No. - So all the stuff you
went through as a child that's formed you into the man. You are now you're your
adult relationships. Do you have a hard time
accepting love from others? Do you have a hard time - Word people? I mean the individuals that I be around I ain't trying to like they're trying to get some out, you know? And that's what, that's what I like. I mean, you know what I mean? Ain't nobody down here
trying to love nobody. This is our own little community. And we stay in our community. Excuse me. We standing out, come here
now you're on skid row. Skid row. Yeah. We stayed. We stayed on skid row
and nobody down here. Ain't trying it. I mean, if you might
come down here with some of these guys coming out
with girlfriends, boyfriends this and that, but they
don't love them because they you see them out doing what
they doing with other women other people, ain't nobody down
here trying to love nobody. And that's what I enjoy it. Stay away from me. I mean, you get too close to me. I'm gone. I enjoy being by myself. You know, I enjoyed it. You know what I'm saying? And when I come around and whatever pain, I
feel, whatever jive talk. When you talking, you
know what I'm saying? It's it's, it's cool. And then when I want to
be by myself, cause man sometimes I see, I be by myself I just cry all of a sudden,
just start shedding a tear. And don't know why, because of the pain I'm tripping on hay. And so I don't know. I don't want them. Sometimes. I be like
trying to see me, you know I might hear a certain song. You start shedding a tear. You know what I'm saying? Cause then, then I make sure I leave because I don't want
people thinking I'm weak. You know? I mean, words are powerful. So you know what I'm saying? Sticking still on my brain don't break my bone, but
worth, it never hurt me. That jive words are powerful. It can make you, or it can break you. You know what I'm saying? Because you can talk to you. People can say so many words and you can be hurt or
can say so many words and build you up so it can go both ways. So remember words are powerful. So we don't forget that when
you, when you have your kids your nephews and don't tell
them they ain't no good. Tell them ain't gonna
be nothing, please don't because it's just in their head
and it stays in their head. Remember when they're kids,
they don't forget about nothing. They learn from you. They learn from you. That's how they look, how
you think they hate or raise. I not like certain people,
you know what I mean? I bought a different color type girl home before my parents came home
pops and went off on me. I mean, tripped on me. You know what I mean? But man, it wasn't, I'm cool with him. You know what I'm saying? Then when he was in that house I had
didn't like have tonight you know what I'm saying? Because that's the way it was. - I think the importance
of those first five or 10 years of a child's
life, can't be underestimated. It sets the path for everything
they do forever here. You're 50 years old and you're you're still recreating what you what happened to you at six years old? Yeah. - I mean, and I ain't, it ain't no thing. It ain't no thing to me. You know what I'm saying? It ain't like I'm trying to get out of, I'm
trying to, I'm cool with it. And life goes on, you know? So, Hey man, I appreciate me. You know, let me come back
and it's going to be all right sooner or later, it's
going to be all right. Just keep doing what I'm doing. - You're always welcome here, Tyler. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
