hello i'm a mess & depression sucks but let's chat & be more honest than I probably should

i just filmed half of this and then realized that i never turned the mic on because it has been so long since i have filmed so hey everyone it's haley and today i'm just kind of going to be giving you guys an update and being honest about things i guess i don't really know what to call this video but yeah so i just kind of wanted to do a video chatting about things which i was conflicted if i wanted to post this on my second channel or on this channel but i feel like here makes more sense even though it makes me more nervous because there's so many more of you but i just i felt like it made sense so there have been like a lot of life changes recently and i have felt so disconnected from everything which is why i kind of just wanted to chat about things i don't really know where it's gonna go but i did want to talk about a few things in this video like i'm going to be being honest about like my life and where i'm at and what i'm trying to do to improve things because i'm not in a good space but i'm also not really asking for like unsolicited advice i would just like to say i know a lot of you guys do have that i see the dms that i get about like the move how i'm not doing anything for myself and it seems like i'm like moving was a mistake blah blah blah but the bottom line and i'm not trying to be mean there's no way i can say this was without seeming like i'm trying to be mean but you guys only see like a tiny percentage of my life and a tiny percentage of who i am as a person so ultimately the decisions that i'm making it's my life and i'm making decisions that i feel like are the best for me and i'm making them with my loved ones and with myself in mind as well so it's not like i'm just willy-nilly doing whatever i know that there are many of you who think that but i really am like just i'm on a journey here i'm at a very transformative part of my life and that's just kind of the bottom line i'm a little bit of a mess right now not going to lie entirely i'm sure it gets annoying that i continue talking about this but i also feel like it's important to like tell you guys when i'm not doing well and keep you guys updated with that stuff because there's nothing to be ashamed about with it i don't really know i know what i'm doing it might not seem like it but it's a journey there's ups and downs but that's what life is and that's kind of just what i'm going through right now i hope that made sense so the move that i'm referring to if you guys didn't know i recently in june we moved from windsor ontario where i had lived my entire life the very southern point of ontario of canada actually and then we moved to montreal quebec which is somewhere that before moving i had been once so it's definitely like a new environment for me and we also moved to if you guys don't know quebec is the french-speaking region of canada and i don't speak french i like a little teeny tiny bit and only understand a little teeny tiny bit so it's definitely been a culture shock with moving and i know so many people sorry if you can hear cicadas they're really loud right now but i know so many people are saying like there's so much english speaking in montreal and blah blah blah but the bottom line is like where we live right now in the apartment because we're in an apartment while we were trying to find a house where we live that's not really the case most people speak french and also where we're going to be moving is also kind of more of this french-speaking region so i am going to learn french but it still makes for kind of a difficult transition obviously when like all of the signs and everything are written in french and i probably like other people don't find it that big of a deal but to me it just makes me so anxious it makes me feel so isolated and like i don't belong so that's definitely been a process a little bit that being said like i mentioned the apartment it's just for the interim and we did actually find a house i think i mentioned that in a video but we did end up finding a house and we take possession in less than a week which is really exciting so we're going to be in an actual real house soon which i'm just so excited to finally be able to like put my roots down somewhere and make somewhere feel like my own and feel like home because i haven't had that for a very long time like even in windsor i knew we were going to be moving at some point so i never really did everything that i would like to but now we finally have somewhere where we're going to be settling and i love the house like i'm super excited to move there also excited for a new neighborhood because the neighborhood that we're in right now i'm just not comfortable in there has been like numerous incidents and it's just i'm ready to get out of here like yesterday literally a tree there's probably going to be someone here soon actually to take down the tree which is probably going to be loud so that will be interesting but a tree fell on the apartment so it's been an interesting experience it's not like anyone's fault it's just been like since i came here a million things are happening and it's kind of funny but it still is like it's been a lot but anyways i'm really looking forward to moving like i know it's not going to be a magic fix everything thing but it will at least be like a step in the right direction to finally being settled somewhere and finally being able to feel like solidified the move is still going to be difficult like i am someone with extreme anxiety and major depressive disorder and the move has sent me into a little bit of a spiral but i also was kind of in a little bit of a spiral before just because of the pandemic like this is something i've struggled with in the past when i was a teenager and now it's just kind of come back again and definitely the pandemic is something that really set that off and then moving i knew was going to be difficult like it didn't surprise me that it kind of set it off in a new way so definitely like i've been struggling a little bit to be entirely honest it's it's been a lot of ups and downs and i'm trying my best to manage with that and get like the care that i need but it's also been kind of hard to move things from ontario to quebec so it's kind of confusing and complicated uh but we are working on it so i am working on getting the treatment that i need but it definitely has been like a really really hard experience like the lows have been very very low and honestly there's a lot of times where i've found it so hard to turn on the camera and make a video or even like posting on instagram i find it so hard i just don't have the energy or the will some days and i'm really trying to find ways to fix that because like i love making videos but i also am trying to find this video is going to be all over the place but i also am trying to find a job because right now the only job that i have is making videos so i'm a one-person team i literally report to myself i plan everything like it's just me and i really would like to find something where i'm able to collaborate with and talk to other people so i don't feel so isolated and i don't feel so much pressure to make like so many quality videos because i love making videos but right now there's just so much pressure attached to it and i feel like every time i post it's not good enough and like i'm failing at everything that's kind of where the root of everything is coming from but i'm really trying to find something that i love that i can make a career out of so then i can make videos and have it be just about having fun again because it's not that it's like i don't want you guys to misunderstand and think that i hate making videos and it's not about fun but it's really hard when like i have been struggling so much to find the energy to even read and then i feel like i have no new content for you guys like i just have been getting very very down on myself my self-esteem is like the lowest that it has been in a very long time so it's been hard to just sit in front of a camera and like i have filmed videos like this many many many times recently but i just never end up posting them because i feel whiny i feel embarrassed but then i also just go silent which i feel like is worse i'm just in like a very interesting transitional period in my life but i'm trying to figure out like what i want to do like i would love to do something with writing obviously that's a huge passion of mine i also have experience with social media and i'm trying to find jobs in related fields and i'm also trying to find remote positions which luckily because of covid there's actually options for that but the reason that i'm trying to find remote positions is because i don't speak french so i can't really just like go to a bookstore and work at a bookstore which i don't want to do anyways to be honest like it's not that i'm being picky but i would like to find something that's like a solid career where i feel like a grown-up because buying a house is a really really really big expense and obviously we did like sit down make sure we could afford everything make sure we weren't in over our heads and everything but i still would like to find a job so i can feel like an actual adult because i think right now i feel like i'm not adult enough to own a house i feel like i'm still a child and like what am i doing so i'm just you know i'm a bit of a mess right now not going to lie but i also am working on the low self-esteem thing like i'm probably going to actually do a video series about that on my second channel if you guys would be interested i'm trying to do like a 90 day challenge of just turning things around because one of the things that happens when i fall into a depressive episode is i just completely stop caring for myself at all and stop caring for the environment around me so really if things are messy you know that like i'm not doing well but i am trying to like implement some good habits and change things around and i think it would be fun and a good way to keep myself accountable to do a video series on that if you guys would be interested but essentially the bottom line is i haven't been reading a ton i have been trying to really like bring myself out of the rut that i am in and trying to put myself out there trying to make friends somewhere where i don't really speak the language and i don't know anyone and trying to also like feel like i'm at home but i think that will come a little bit more easily when we move and when i'm able to like i already have so many ideas for what i want to do with the place which i'm really excited about it doesn't need a lot of work at all but like decorating is what i mean and i'm really looking forward to like starting a new chapter and having a fresh new start because i feel like things have been so down lately that i just want to change things like i said i filmed part of this without my mic on so i don't know if i saw this already but i never planned on doing youtube as my only job forever that was never the plan i worked i indigo the bookstore before and i quit that because i wanted to try and focus on writing more but unfortunately writing hasn't really panned out the way that i would have liked for it to and i don't talk about it a lot because like i don't want to be like counted out before i've even gotten the chance so i got an agent and i've talked about this a little bit but i got an agent in 2019 and then we went on submission with my manuscript in 2020 april 2020 so it was right when the pandemic started and i pretty much was like i thought that the pandemic was making things take longer which maybe it was but i only received rejections which is really hard like i wanted writing to be my career and i mean this probably doesn't bode well for the future and for me saying that i want to write as a job like do different kinds of writing copywriting or whatever but it's not that i thought that like automatically i would get published and i get a publishing deal but i just thought that maybe you would have the chance so i've been trying to write new things and i have this idea i really love but it's been so hard to focus on it and so hard to not get caught up in like what the rejection said and feel like i'm just not the writer that i thought i was and not the writer that i had been told that i was my entire life like i just feel like my whole life up to this point with that has been a lie i know this seems so dramatic but i feel like maybe they'll help you see like where i'm coming from like it's kind of been a lifelong dream of mine that's been my number one dream since i was in the fourth grade i literally remember the moment when i decided i wanted to be a writer so to have the opportunity and feel like i messed it up and i'm the problem has been something really difficult to deal with and i know like i need to get over it and i need to continue writing or else it's just going to be done but right now i just i'm feeling so much pressure and having a really hard time with it so it's something that i'm like trying to work through and get past but it definitely is a process i just feel like very disappointing overall but that obviously has been like a real hit to my self-esteem and everything in my confidence and i just feel like because of that everywhere i look i just am seeing things that like affirm the fact that i feel like a failure and like i'm not good enough and that it's just a fluke like major imposter syndrome and yeah that's definitely been like something that's not easy to deal with it's definitely been really hard and it is something like i'm trying to work through but it is a process so that's just kind of where i've been at recently and i'm trying to get back on my feet and get back to making some content for you guys because i don't want to take a break because it's going to stress me out more like i know most of you are going to say to take a break but it will stress me out more because if i take a break then i'm like i'm behind i'm the only one who can do things here so i can't really take a break right now and i also if i take a break then i feel like i'm going to fall even further into a bad space because i'm just letting myself not do anything and for me that's just not really going to be helpful so i did kind of unintentionally take a little bit of a break but i would really like to get back to things and i also wanted to say i'm really sorry that like all of my sponsorship seems to be falling in the same little time period i apologize for that it's just like i only work with things that i truly do love and believe in and use myself but it's just they happen to be asking for like the same time frame so i'm trying to spread it out and everything but i appreciate you guys understanding that this is my only source of income and it's not like i say yes to everyone like i say no to plenty of people but it sometimes just so happens that like in certain months there's a ton of sponsorships and then in other months there's not so many so that's just kind of how it works out but yeah thank you guys for sticking by me and supporting me and i hope this kind of helped you to understand where i'm at and everything and yeah i don't know if i will even end up posting this video but i am going to try and edit it like right away so that i do post it so hopefully you will see it and i will see you guys in an actual like reel talking about books video soon

Channel: Hailey in Bookland

Views: 32,151

Rating: 4.9664769 out of 5

Keywords: books, booktube, young adult, reading, book, hailsheartsnyc, haileyinbookland, hailey in wonderland, teen books, teen reads, ya books, ya reads, young adult books, Hailey LeBlanc, hailey in bookland, book recommendations, what to read, recommending books

Id: gQMEILiIz-E

Length: 14min 59sec (899 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 26 2021