Helen Fisher: Looking for a mate

love lust relationships books and songs have been written about all three but if you want to really know about them you should spend some time with biological anthropologist dr. Helen Fisher and we did you could say she's written the book on love but that would be an understatement she's actually written 6 books examining subjects like the evolution biology and psychology of human sexuality to the neural chemistry of romantic love and why we fall in love with one person rather than another dr. Fischer has also examined marriage and divorce in over 80 societies adultery in more than forty two cultures patterns on monogamy and desertion and birds and mammals and gender differences in the brain and behavior her best-selling recently revised and updated book the anatomy of love is a contemporary classic of love and the brain and her two TED talks about human connections have been viewed over 12 million times I recently sat down with dr. Fischer at the Aspen ideas festival to speak more about why and how we connect with one another and the intricacies of human relationships so I want to talk to you about your beginning how did you go into this how did you think how do you think now yeah well first of all I lie in bed at night and wonder what I am think now that I will not believe in five years I'm constantly wondering whether I've got it right and I think that that's an important how did I get into it I wish I had a sexy answer to that but basically if I'm an identical twin and as an identical twin by the time you're 4 5 6 7 everybody's asking you you know to have the same cavities and your teeth do you have the same friends who like the same food so long before I knew there was a nature nature-nurture controversy I knew there was biology too behavior and then because in my day in graduate school they still believe that the mind was an empty slate on which environment just inscribed personality and I knew that wasn't true and so I thought to myself if there's any part of human behavior that would have a biological origin it would be our mating strategy because that's what gives you the babies and passes on your DNA so I thought to myself okay we're a pair bonding animal there must be reasons why we evolved this why we fall in love why we feel attached why we break up and form new attachments to other people so I was led into it just because I was so interested in human nature you know so many anthropologists are interested in why we're all different I'm interested in why we're all alike talk to me about MRIs because I wasn't sitting in on your session today and I think yeah fascinating because back in the day probably when you first started this the thought of actually getting inside the brain and looking at it wasn't there for you I remember the moment that I decided to put people in brain scanners I was walking along in Greenwich Village in New York and I thought to myself I wonder if we have evolved three distinctly different brain systems from mating and reproduction sex drive feelings of intense romantic love and feelings of deep attachment and that these three brain systems in myriad different ways orchestrate all kinds of love and then I thought to myself well you know Helen you really studied a lot of the sex drive already and you know we all know that's in the brain and I studied a lot of the attachment so I said I think I would it would be great to put people in mr an MRI machine and try to understand the basic brain patterns that the basic brain region that that is associated with intense feelings of romantic love lies way below the cortex when you do your thinking way below the limbic system associated with your emotions in in basic brain regions linked with drive with focus with craving with energy with wanting and with motivation the motivation to win life's greatest prize and in fact people say you know in our techie high-tech age this is gonna disappear malarkey that's absurd you know I mean the basic brain region that becomes activated when you're madly in love with somebody lies right next to brain regions for thirst and hunger we're not gonna get rid of thirst we're not gonna get with a hunter and if we survive as a species a million years from now we're gonna still fall alone let's talk a little bit about technology because I never thought of this until this session today that this is a 24/7 singles bars house in describe and then you talked about the car which I'd never thought it's either tell us what your thoughts are about cars and about technology and how that changes well you know every single time there's no technology everybody panics it's called the you know the negativity bias you always think we're going to hell in a handbasket and I began to think first of all this is ridiculous modern technology is changing how we court I mean we're texting we're emailing we're sending in Modi's to express our emotions and Sarah no question about that but even in modern dating services you know I'm chief scientific adviser to match.com I keep telling the president she agrees with me that this is not a dating service this is an introducing service once you actually meet somebody in the bar on the park bench wherever your ancient human brain clicks into action and you court the way we always have you smile the way we always have you laugh the way we would said you parade the way you always have you listen the way you always have so I mean when you really think about modern technology is it that dramatic I mean going back to the late 1940s in the early 1950s you know the introduction of the wide use of the automobile well suddenly they had a rolling bedroom now tell me whether that isn't more important than swiping left or right on tinder how about the 1972 when we when we you know legalized the contraceptive pill mostly women were Unchained from thousands of years of worry about pregnancy and and and as social ruin now they could express their primal sexuality so sure technology I think is improving things I mean you know so many middle-aged people can now meet somebody I'm too old to stand in a barn and meet the right boy these are enabling it's expanding our social networks it's enabling people to love it every age interesting relationships is what you study and look at in many respects I remember distinctly a conversation I have with somebody as I was walking from a lunch in Washington DC and he said you know in Akron Ohio they manufacture tires in Detroit they manufacture in Washington DC we manufacture relationships and the whole cities built on relationships so talk to me about what you think are the similarities between like romantic relationships business relationships what what are some of the interactions when it comes to relationships just so glad you and if that I recently somebody pointed out to me that Helen you're not in the love business you are in the relationship business and that is true and matter of fact what I think that we've evolved for very broad styles of thinking and behaving linked with the dopamine serotonin testosterone and estrogen system we're all a combination of all of them but we have personalities anyway these four broad styles of thinking to be able now for example I think Hillary Clinton's very expressive of the testosterone analytical logical direct decisive tough-minded whereas bill I think is very expressive of a lot of the traits in the estrogen system I mean he cries easily he feels everybody's pain he he whole world knows he can't stop talking and matter of fact you know Americans are wondering when we're gonna have our first female president I think we've had our first female president Trump understand each other they're both very high testosterone men and you know where's somebody I like the former president of China who Shindou he's very expressive with the serotonin system modest detailed traditional conventionally follow the rules respects Authority etc and when you begin to understand the brain you can begin to see political figures you can I mean for example George Washington was the right man at the right time in American history and so it's opened a whole world for me understanding personality it's opening I was never interested in history actually was always interested in prehistory the beginnings and now I'm captivated by today so if you could have someone in this column and they're negotiating a treaty and the other persons in this column is it easier to create I mean is it talk to or should they both be from the testosterone or does that create more conflict right what you've got to do is understand who they are and then give them your perspective the way they can understand I don't think that the any particular combination is necessarily most productive but what is productive is understanding who you're talking to and then give them your data in ways that they can hear it as a matter of fact you know we always have believed in the golden rule do unto others as you would have done unto yourself I think it's the Platinum rule do unto others as they would have done unto themselves and they will hear you and you can win it's chemistry or biology more important a failed relationship I mean which contributes more could never know you know you never know these it's very complicated we're just beginning to understand the brain it's all chemistry it's all biology and it's all culture they go hand in hand it's interesting there's there's many studies about their bring couples in for couple therapy and some of these people can be very good predictors I mean I know you know all this stuff but but you might look at a couple and think oh they'll make it and then the person there's like no because she said something rather dismissive there's telltale signs which is interesting talk to us about that in relationships well I am I give a lot of speeches to couples therapists because I come with the biological perspective rather than the cultural and they are steeped in and as well they should be steeped in your your childhood your education and your expectations and center but there is a biological we do have biological styles of thinking so I was saying oh for example the very high person was very expressive of the dopamine system in the brain they are curious creative spontaneous energetic mentally flexible and they fall in love with a high serotonin type who's whose traditional confessional follows the rules respects Authority and at first they might really love need that opposition you know the high dopamine person is grounded by the highest serotonin person and the high serotonin person gets the energy and the curiosity of the adventure of the high dopamine but they have two children you know the marriage goes on and suddenly my dopamine person says well why don't you want to go off to the highlands of New Guinea with me and the other one says you don't get it man we've two small children here and so but if you begin to understand that when people are in conflict it's often I think having to do with biological styles in other ways they do have to realize it's not about me you know people some people are stubborn if they're not stubborn just because they hate you they're stubborn because they're stubborn and once you've been get a really understand the full style of thinking and you can learn how to reach that style you can build a happy marriage now there's some people that aren't gonna build a happy marriage they married the wrong person right right well you know what's interesting getting back to match.com because I know you work with them on the surface it looks brilliant I mean it's almost like going grocery shopping in a sense this person they're a Democrat I'm a Democrat you know it's Oh juju you know you go through its all these checklists we're perfect for each other and you bring the two people together and a lot of times there's just no spark there at all exact talk to me about that because it seems like if you take all of this column in this column they're perfect for one another in many cases it's not the case no question about it because you know as I always say to the president this is not a dating service this is an introducing service we can give you the various things that you want the only real algorithm is your own brain no dating service nose your ears your nose you the intricacies of your childhood the intricacies of what you're really looking for in a partner we can give you a whole lot of people that might work but you got to do the work of getting to know that person and that we can't do for you back when I first started in this business for a million years ago there was like four TV stations you know it was real easy to go on the air and have a bunch of people watching you now I say you have to figure out some way to break through the clutter there's there's a ton of stations you can go on the internet there's a zillion sites you can probably date a million people how do you break through the clutter and find that perfect person for you it's a really important question because the one problem with all of these dating services and they know it is what we call the paradox of choice or cognitive overload you know the human brain is not built to shuffle through a thousand different alternatives and they know that the more alternatives you have the less likely you are to choose any and so what I say to people I'm studying this right now from reading the literature after they seem to be a sweet spot in the human brain you can cope with about five to nine alternatives and after that it's cognitive overload you end up just your swamp didn't choose nothing so one of the things that I say to people who are in the dating world you know stop after you got 9 ok alternatives and get done stop switching left and right stop going on match or anywhere else and and get to know one of these people better you gotta give people a chance we're just not built for this huge abundance of alternatives so put it back and focus on some that brain circuitry for romantic love it's like a sleeping cat it's gonna wake up and you're off to the races it alone one final question for somebody who's watching this because they're surfing around and they're they're heartbroken their girlfriend or boyfriend just broke up with them yesterday what advice would you give them it's an addiction there's somebody camping in your head you got to get them out treated as an addiction throw out the cards and letters don't write don't call no drama go do things with friends and relatives and the one thing that we've learned about the brain it's really important to me is the time does heal there's a brain region linked with feelings of attachment and the farther you get away from that person the less and less activity you're gonna find in that region so you will he'll give it time but don't keep schematize in yourself by calling by writing by texting you know if you want to get over alcoholism you don't keep a bottle of vodka on your desk get rid of the reminders of this person if they want to be your best friend say I love to be your best friend in three years after I get this over with and find somebody new but just don't keep trying get out there and find somebody else you want somebody who loves you you mentioned time does heal and eventually we run out of time so thank you so much for talking to us it's been fascinating thank you we'll be right back with this week's full-frame closer you

Channel: CGTN America

Views: 66,336

Rating: 4.891892 out of 5

Keywords: helen fisher, mike walter, full frame

Id: ldprjMlsm3c

Length: 15min 52sec (952 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 06 2016