- Healthy sexuality after sexual trauma. Is it even possible? And if so, how do we do that? It's what we're talking about today. (upbeat music) So let's start out with
a couple of things. Sexual trauma is so, so devastating. It's like the foundation of
your life, has just been taken and Jack hammered to pieces, right? It's just crumbled. And if you have a crumbled
foundation, what do you build on? Your self worth?
Your identity? All of it. And especially if you
experienced a sexual trauma in your childhood, like, what do you do? We talk about experiencing
trauma and reprogramming the nervous system, and having
a safe place to go back to. But the reality is, if you
experienced a sexual trauma in your childhood, you literally
have nothing to go back to, because there wasn't a safe place. And that is so, so challenging So I just wanna recognize that upfront and just say kudos to you, for being here, for showing up, to keep trying. You are not alone. You are supported, you are loved, and you will get through this. We will get through this together. So how to have healthy
sexuality after sexual trauma. And is there such a thing? And if sexual trauma is all you know, if it happened at a
young age, it feels like that's all sexuality is, and it can be incredibly, incredibly triggering. Because those feelings
of use, and abuse, and worthlessness pop up, and
it's tied to anything sexual. And so you just kind of go, "Well, that's what sexuality is." "People get used and
abused and that's sex." And I'm here to tell you that is not sex. That is an unhealthy, terrible
facade of a fun house mirror. But if it's all know, that is our reality. And so how do we get
back to something else? That sexuality is an expression
of love and connection and intimacy, which it absolutely can be if used in a healthy way. In my opinion, the first
steps to healing from trauma are all the same. First we have to recognize that
we've been through a trauma. There has to be the understanding
of how it's affected us, both physically and emotionally. And I think there is absolutely
a spiritual component to a sexual abuse, or
that it's affected us on a soul level, whatever
that looks like for you. It affects us on the
very core of who we are, and how we see ourselves,
and our safety in the world. And so that healing needs to take place, at that very foundational level. So recognize that it was a trauma. Recognize how it's affected
you, and really dig into that. And recognize the coping
mechanisms that you have, because of it. That you experienced this
thing that wasn't safe, that really devastated
you on a core level. And we almost immediately,
especially when it comes to sexual traumas, have judgements about what those things said about us. because we don't experience
a sexual trauma and say, "Oh, well, let me tell
you about what happened. "I was horrifically abused by someone that "perpetuated abuse, that didn't care about "anyone besides themselves
that used me, and abused me. "And that person is responsible
for all of that abuse." That isn't the way we see it. It doesn't matter if you experienced sexual trauma at 5, or 15, or 55. We don't take that
trauma and then make that trauma the responsibility of the abuser. To some extent, for whatever reason, that trauma is always internalized of, "Well maybe I deserved it." Or, "Maybe I should have
done more to stop it." Or, "Maybe I am somehow
responsible or at fault for that sexual abuse on some level." I am here to tell you that
that is absolutely not true. If you have experienced sexual abuse, you absolutely are the
victim of that perpetrator. That doesn't mean that you
are a victim in your life, in all areas of your life. But that person victimized
you, and the only person responsible for that
abuse, is that person. So out of that trauma, out of that abuse, you came up with coping mechanisms. This could look like a
lot of different things. This could look like,
being overtly happy and everything is fine. Pretending like it didn't
happen, and disassociating from the abuse and putting
that abuse in a closet. And you could be a
drastically different person, when the abuse takes place,
versus all other times. You could deal with this abuse
by disassociating, right? There's times where people
absolutely feel like on a spiritual soul level,
they left their bodies and were separate from it,
when the abuse took place. You could have responded
to this abuse by becoming overtly sexual. And in that case, that's
so often when the victim gets blamed, because of the responses, "Well, if I'm gonna be used,
if I'm gonna be abused, "at least I'm gonna do it on my own terms. "And at least I'm gonna trade
power and control for it." And so whatever those
coping mechanisms have looked like for you, it's
important to recognize that those coping mechanisms
kept us safe in the moment. And our nervous system responded in a way, that kept us safe in the moment. And so often those coping
mechanisms that keep us safe can in the future, keep us stuck. We're using those same coping
mechanisms that were created out of a need for safety. And so often, when we
grow up, We're no longer in that unsafe situation. It's important to
recognize, that so often, the coping mechanisms that
we used to keep ourselves safe in the moment, we
continue using those. And we're then applying that programming. We're applying those
beliefs, that understanding, in future circumstances or
in present circumstances where we no longer have
those threats in our lives. So whatever coping
mechanisms you might have from experiencing a sexual
trauma, you need to be loving and understanding,
that those behaviors, that programming, came
from a place and the need to keep yourself safe. And if you are hopefully, in a place now where you're not needing
to keep yourself safe, where those threats aren't pervasive, and you're still running
on that same programming that programming is no
longer keeping you safe, It's keeping you stuck. And showing yourself love and
kindness and understanding for that, instead of
judgment, means so, so much. because the reality is, we
need to accept our experiences because to some extent, if our
experiences are unacceptable then we are unacceptable. While it is unacceptable
that you experienced abuse and trauma, you are not unacceptable. You are loved, you are
worthy, and you are cared for. So after you've gone through that process, you need to start
reprogramming those beliefs that were born out of that trauma. You need to reprogram your mind,
your body, and your spirit, that you are no longer in
that place of unsafety. That you are now in a
place of safety and love. And there's a lot of ways to do this. And all of this is controlled
by the nervous system, right? That's why when we go into
parasympathetic response, when we go into fight or
flight, or freeze or fawn, when we go into any of those gears that's our nervous system
responding to a threat. And we need to learn how to
regulate our nervous system and teach it that it's safe. And it's safe to be in the present moment. And there's so many tools to do this with. That's why deep breathing
can be so beneficial because it helps regulate
our nervous system. Trauma informed yoga can be so powerful. Moving our body and our
breathing as we work through these traumas, because when
we experienced a sexual trauma we didn't have control
over our body, or what was being done to our body. And that's why that
expression, including movement with the body, can be so healing. Along with EMDR and EFT. Having someone support you
through releasing those incongruent beliefs, that
came from the sexual trauma. And when I talk about incongruent beliefs, I'm talking about a trauma
that was experienced and what we believe about ourselves because we experienced that trauma. That I am unworthy. I am
unloved. I am not clean. And all of that is completely not true. It's not true. But on a subconscious
level, to some extent we believe those things. And that's where our
behavior and our programming comes up, to create those
circumstances in our life where we have those triggers. And so often when it comes
to painful experiences we want to hide them. We want to push them away in the corner. We want to ignore them, and just pretend like they didn't happen,
because we don't know what to do with that pain. Or there's a small part of us that thinks, "Well, maybe those things are true." When they're really, really not. So having that support from a person, a group of people, to lead
you through that healing. Because when it comes to sexual trauma, it really is so devastating. It's not something that I would say, just figure it out on your own. You need the support.
You need the guidance. It is you that's going
to have to do that work, but there is hope for having
those healthy relationships. After you clear out all the
cobwebs of those untrue, incongruent beliefs. If this video has been
helpful, check out our video What Boundaries Should You
Have in a Relationship? And if you need some support
in your healing journey click the link below and
schedule a complimentary call with one of our therapists
that had been trained in healing from trauma,
particularly sexual trauma. I would love to know, what have you done to
heal from sexual trauma? There's so many triggers,
so many challenges. What really supports you
when you're in that place? And reminding yourself that
you are safe, you are loved, you are cared for. Remember to subscribe,
like, click the bell, and to keep shining. We need your light. (upbeat music) Here comes the video, check it out. It's got some good stuff in it. Winning!
