Have I Got News for You S56 E5. 2 Nov 18. Victoria Coren Mitchell, Robert Rinder,

fish Lamson woulda thrown got it all tonight's before this display of lies with some strong language news for you [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening welcome to have I got news for you I'm Victoria Karen Mitchell in the news this week at the Lancashire pet shop there are signs that nearby fracking is taking its toll on some of the residents there's evidence that since becoming a father Olympic diver Tom Daley might have let himself go and after being given an extra billion pounds in the budget for the mo D a jubilant defense secretary Kevin Williamson celebrates by blowing it all in one go on Ian's team tonight is a comedian who used to run one of the roughest pubs in the East End of Glasgow and if any of the regular drinkers are watching I'm sure you'll recognize me from only connect please welcome Janie Godley and with Paul tonight is the host of Judge Rinda which means we have a lawyer on the show this week to go with our other 614 lawyers please Robert render and we start with the biggest stories of the week Ian and Janie have a look at this Oh Chancellor this giveaway budget here it is a man that can't plug a song in which is normal yeah we've got loads of it now those of you who thought we were in the middle of austerity we're not it's finished so that's a happy story on we go budgets done what's the personal allowance fudge there's been a fudge about people's personal allowances but just like every other budget for the 28 years of this series I was watching the other side what happened in Bonanza some Cowboys rode up and down that's more or less the budget why was Liz Trust sitting on the Sajid Javid have you got any proof of this yes where's the evidence well 40 were not allowed to show the evidence cuz it's in the house is a part of it weak on hearsay hearsay case dismissed but apparently there was there wasn't room she was trying to squeeze in everybody [Applause] let's move on from the seating what about marriage and the budget you're allowed to get married anywhere he announced it beforehand and then we didn't hear it at the time but you can get married now if anyone wants to I will officiate no you can get married in a burger joint you get married in ten get married in a public toilet and then you get cheaper rates in Scotland Japan oh can you yes that's what happened to me when I was going to the shops what did you think of the jokes infinite Hammonds speech you enjoy the jokes no I didn't cuz I didn't see it I was watching bonanza we had the budget on Monday yes specifically so that no one could do any Halloween jokes he literally changed the timing of excuse ed I don't want people doing the Hammond house of horror you see which is quite an amusing joke you didn't want any Halloween jokes you didn't want people saying is it a trick or a treat come on it's Phil happened it's obviously a trick to commemorate the joyful occasion of brexit yes what is Philip Hammond going to give us there's a 50p to celebrate brexit it's an interesting choice of words it was going to be a pound it's it's a special coin and on the back of it it's gonna say we love everybody who doesn't come from Britain we don't know exactly what's gonna be on it but some sort of message for Europe one person suggested this message does anyone remember the old euro 50p the 1973 one it had hands on it hands reaching out it's now been adopted by the Saudi royal family and why does a 50p coin have a flat edge does anyone know the reason so we can throw it at politicians around it so you can get it out of a Scotsman's hand with a spanner somebody said that to you in your old pub then we would be singing songs at that week who's been having some money problems regarding brexit Nigel Faraj what about Aaron banks oh he's in trouble he spent months in haha it's all lies you're a big liar I know he's been caught and as we say in Glasgow you have teased a son what does it mean it means you're going to get hold of a court and get sorted but we like to see your teaser son because that's good because it's neutral it's not saying he's guilty because we would know what to say we want to see that's very primitive he would just mention it and the form of hot liquids yes very good news oh my ass good news he deserves to be dragged into court he orchestrated and a complete lie sold brags on a lie no I mean it sounds like good news that he's ready has raged teachers about the budget oh there was a phrase wasn't there little extras was at the phrase yeah like looks like a roof little extras they need it's only schools they didn't say it to the Ministry of Defence no here's some little extras some gone the other problem with the money for schools is that the Chancellor has allocated less money to schools than he has to what potholes potholes yeah a big problem well I wonder if we should try to get a deeper understanding of the problem yes by playing a game of name that potholes the way it works is I'll show you a pothole yeah and you have to tell me where it is especially subject bar gate outside number forty-three Hillcrest Terrace I'll give the point to whoever's closest you say Margate you say Bournemouth it looks like a Bournemouth pothole you somewhere in between it's is link near a bored little Moorgate bar gay Margate alright the points go over there do you know what in the bar of Islington they have a hundred percent clear up rate on the potholes these are figures from the pothole spotters website which is called pothole in for beginners fill that hole org potholes is the first thing that comes to people's mind where's this Cheltenham this time you're definitely nearer it's bath yeah exactly that's John Dalli Brown watering his pansies in bath yeah must be tricky when he's pricking out not many gardeners in oh I can't resist it let's have one more where's this Australia Essex no it's Wis beach near Ely I have to tell you that looks more like the sort of fill my whole website that I've seen a few more things about the budget Philip Hammond it's taking on fangs is an acronym is it yes Facebook and Netflix it's a list of companies fangs Facebook Apple Amazon Netflix Google and Satan and he's introducing did oh sorry not Satan that was just a plural s I'm so sorry Digital services tax for the big online companies but it won't be implemented until 2020 to give them time to think of a way of dodging it what tax did George Osborne bring in to tackle the internet Giants yeah I only go to the gym with him I don't talk with George Osborne time-to-time who can lift more weights me me Lee who's fostering the rain machine me who destroyed Britain well he introduced a lovely set of buttocks that's me collects them wooden pair from Lord watch a stone agency he introduced attacks the so called google tax yeah and who didn't pay it google that's right where they convinced the government that didn't apply to them this is philip hammond so-called giveaway budget the Chancellor has changed the law to allow people to get married in fast-food outlets such as McDonald's there will still be Solomon legally binding ceremonies with the Registrar present to filio officiate to complete the romantic experience you can consummate the marriage behind the bins is that why we had that story this week David Cameron visited a petrol station in Morton and asked for a whisper to which the shopkeeper said unravel yes that's a man I think he used to work for the Waitrose magazine with him sit well William sit well is that his name there's the aforementioned supermarket Waitrose and there's a man who's pretending to look for his glass of daiquiri isn't and takes them off to see something a bit clearer so terrible piece of acting from that gentleman if you see the glasses of Danny's nose when he starts watch this again watch he's looking over the top of them right can't quite make out the Rhine so he takes them off but he wasn't looking through them in the first place and this is a kind of crap I have to put up with on this show when you see a bloke got a horse it's the same horse route the entire show what was the question vegans angry vegans that's it wait rose year the waitress editor got very angry sir a journalist suggested an article about vegans he's threatened to kill them any threatened to kill them he lost his job over this What did he say a vegan writer got in touch with him and pitched a series of plant-based meals yeah and he wrote back how about a series on killing vegans one by one hasn't meant to be a joke was yeah he was obviously fed up with having a lot of articles pitched him about vegan and made a joke about well why don't we have one about killing them and then it went on Twitter and then it went mad isn't Twitter awful well don't write to me all I'll do is correct the spelling of your tweet and send it back hashtag bugger off it was a Russian spy in 1950 I wonder some why the vegans are so angry I'm not sure they're angry I think they know people are pretending they know I just think they might only vent on who don't you don't just think there might be hungry when he lost his job the vegan society released a statement saying we hope this sets a precedent that it's not acceptable to mock a group of people because of their lifestyle choices that's a massive thing to second we might as well go home yeah we were being for blood wasn't her very worried he might have lost his job as first officer why was sitwell's comments particularly embarrassing for Waitrose this week they were launching a killer vegan week yogurt it's the opposite they've got lots of vegan food it's very birth to a vegan week well the opposite of killing one no this is this is the week of international vegan day Oh what else is where choice have problems with this week people steal in the cafe when they Gwen with the own cup they can't prosecute you if you admit it Waitrose have had problems with a cheese have you heard about a cheese stinky cheese or it's got it's called something hideous yes cheese or something keeps going cheese and cheese scatological cheats trollop cheese with this laggy why do you know just buzzing yeah more cheese back on cheese jeez no it's merely Scottish cheese called the Ming er it's described as they use milk Brie with a hard rind and a soft gooey middle that's what it says on my business card and what a Waitrose unhappy about it's thinking out the supermarket it's too smelly no they like the smell yeah they don't like the name well it might be a bit awkward you would get to the checkout and you're with your significant other yes do you have there you've got your minger with you I didn't move a muscle during that muscle in some he was screaming who else apart from William Sitwell has been in trouble for banter so Phillip greedy pantomime season yes he said this has been the worst week of his life really people dressing up as him for Halloween leaving aside what Phillip greenmail Madonna what you might think from personally what what do you think about what he's saying of Lord hain that he thinks he's above the law is it okay to name him in the Lord's well I mean there was a court order and he probably shouldn't have done it but it's an ancient privilege for Parliament know that the representatives are allowed to disclose these things under privilege but that's true you can do that I think haven't you done that months no I've never been an MP or a member weren't you in a parliamentary committee and did you do I seem to remember oh yes how much banter has Phillip green been attempting he says it's banter other people say it isn't and he's made a number of agreements with people for 500,000 pounds million pounds I'm that's quite a lot of banter in it according to The Times there are at least seven cases in which former workers received substantial payouts to settle claims against the Phillip several of which reached at least a million pound well why is he paying out that money for banter yeah and if you say to someone oh I don't like your dress a million pounds perfectly reasonable you would never say such a nun gallant thing anyway no I really like your dress oh it's gone creepy now it's on the other one yes did Philip green allegedly tried to spend a million pounds in 2010 his birthday party yes no but it is to do with an evening out did he hire Kate Moss it warmer he had hired Kate Middleton I would say colder Nancy Dell olio oh yes Julia Oh Nancy don't loot all the Sun that in 2010 after an event Philip poured at my wrists and told me if you come with me now to my apartment this night will be worth a million oh please Wow not enough epidural in the world who did she claim trying to chat her up in 2012 me no it was he in his locker yes after she did this show in 2012 Nats Antonio told the son about E and he wanted to take me for a drink afterwards but I couldn't go good evening it was Banse it's just not true no the end of the show we go and have a drink in hospitality she was sitting there I was sitting there I said we're going to have a drink that was it sorry that was me being Bruno Tata Lily only behind the bins of McDonald yes you've got some experience of making powerful businessman face up to the truth I'm new so we have a look at a picture that sign actually sees runt as weird I actually put my hand what was the occasion and Donald Trump came back to Turnberry after my original protest in 2016 and I realized that I had to go back and the police said to me can you please not have a swear word on your poster I mean okay so what Trump is a runt but as a CI unfortunately held the poster wrong dance routine this is the resignation of the Waitrose magazine editor William Sitwell according to the Guardian 21 percent of the population now claimed to be flexitarian ie vegans who occasionally eat meat or as I call them not vegan of course if you really want to upset a vegan by email just send them some spam also this week Phillip green has denied allegations of bullying and sexism much of Phillip greens business empire Arcadia is actually controlled by his wife fair enough you wouldn't want him interfering with Dorothy Perkins according to The Times lady green remains in Monte Carlo designing your interiors it's good to have a trade to fall back on and so to round to the caldron of news fingers on buzzers teams [Music] [Applause] by surprise the Metropolitan Police are gonna start selling their a brand of clothing they're gonna turn into a clothing shop so you can buy used to be an offensive person a police but now you can buy police uniforms Elm it's truncheon xaloc an cuffs to open your own shop right and people from the met as well so yeah you can have sort of y-fronts on that say Chris Nick yes yes don't use this as a two-shot again it looks like I was part of it I mean [Laughter] what's inspired the range desperation New York Police Department yeah that's right let's have a look at some of the NYPD branded clothing that's done well yeah according to The Times the Met clothing range will feature the Met Police font and color palette should we say a mock up from the Evening Standard yeah as you say roberts some items will also include imagery of officers on patrol hmm Wow no one seen that for years also this week the Security Minister Ben Wallace said that organized crime is costing the UK 37 billion pounds whose fault is that organized criminals yes according to Ben Wallace the public needs to face up to their role in supporting organized crime he singled out people using nail bars and car washes who is mostly responsible for allowing that to happen that's the middle class surely that's professions such as estate agents accountants and lawyers ah well money laundering was you know most speciality defending money launderers so I don't think I contributed really anything to the moment they contributed the odd thing to me I did you get them off no but I bought a house why have police in South Yorkshire been ridiculed this week but not taking part in the musical of police men who strip that's not it it's because of an e-fit they released okay it's a man with a ginger beard he wants it in connection with the robbery she ever look yeah here's the admit it's Prince Harry three different types of hair color a really dodgy Neil barbers why is police constable Leigh Willis not a fan of 'if it's ah because he looks like one of them and he was given being arrested by his chums in the canteen he doesn't he is still being ridiculed for one that he drew 14 years ago he told the Metro this week at the time I thought this is really good why is the e-fit still being used haven't found him the image is so bad yeah but it still passed from station to station as an example of how not to construct an evening I've never wanted to be in the place as much as I did when I read that this PC Willis said that I recently walked into a briefing and they were all wearing it on Facebook before we leave the cauldron of news what we put on the bonfire this year in Lewes oh I didn't about Lewis there was a fantastic Boris guy I thought it was even bridge even break yeah all right hold on a second I'm one else question again just in case we've got it both ways before we leave the cauldron of news what was burnt on a bonfire this week bo is Johnson in Eden bridge you're right fall and now we know why I always lose Boris Johnson effigy yeah it's fantastic it's really good and he hasn't got his trousers on he's obviously run away from another bomb fire and one of the people who are making it said at last we can show him with his pants on fire I don't really like it when they burn these effigies on the lawn like they do in Lewis every year but you know I find a bit creepy I mean in a way I like the old-fashioned nature of celebrating bonfire night rather than Halloween yes I hate all those ghouls and monsters I think burning Catholics is much healthier happy Halloween this is the news that the Met Police are launching a new range of merchandise it's not known where they plan to sell all this stuff presumably PC world yes soon you'll be able to order the items on Amazon and one thing's for sure that arrive at your door a damn sight quicker than a policeman time now for the missing words round which this week features the magician's favorite monthly magazine magic scene and we start with one of the hardest tricks for any magician is what to be called Ian look at the words you just bullied them into clapping yes this is how all my things one of the hardest tricks for any magician is trying to find enough bookings this is an editorial piece from Magic scene containing advice for aspiring magicians if you don't find out more you can send a letter to the editor or a card any card next what opening a branch at mi5 is it Isis Greg's Greg's bakery opening a branch at mi5 this is the news that Greg's famous for their competitively priced meat pies are opening a branch at the GCHQ listening center their motto is we're all ears GCHQ not Greg's meat pies next to Prince Andrew upset magician by what his mere existence is it pouring powerful over rim is it touching his rabbit was he haggling about his fee at the Royal Wedding it is to do with most magic during the sermon Prince Andrew upset magician by talking through his act he didn't basic changed him talking freezer [Applause] this week it was revealed that at Eugenie's wedding Prince Andrew upset a magician by talking through his act the royal family spent two million pounds of taxpayers money on security at yuji's wedding and still Robbie Williams got in and finally man wants what to be recognized as a world record the most rabbits out of a hat in the shortest time as a man wants has pension fold-in ability to be recognized as a world record his pigeon folding ability yeah you know how magicians have pensions then they pulled them up and it ine we purchased and then the capture and then the border back up scope legend origami it's a thing the RSPCA i've been trying to stop it the years this is not from magic scene the answer is man wants sailing a giant pumpkin down the river who's to be recognized as a world record well that's not one we were gonna guess easily this is Tom Percy who's trying to get a Guinness world record for successfully sailing the biggest pumpkin let's have enough yeah halfway through his voyage down the river Tom Percy noticed there was a leak in his giant pumpkin which he picked up and used as a paddle so the final scores are Ian and Janie were three Paul and Robert with seven before we go there's just time for the caption competition oh that's a women at a wedding with her beg bird with its beak tied so that she'll know what to expect in the years to come pelican says a store couldn't make it but you're three months pregnant and I leave you with news that during a tense meeting at the BBC one star demands more royalties from the sale of David Attenborough's DVDs on a train in Leeds a Harris passenger tries to make a subtle move towards the emergency brake handle and in the Oval Office kitchen Donald Trump intercepts a message from Melania [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] in the horse turn next week at the same time David Tennant earlier this week something very chilling went on here at the BBC got a iPlayer to investigate with inside number nine live next here on BBC one tonight we find out who really doesn't like fish would I lie to you [Music] [Applause] join me nish Kumar for the match report at 10 o'clock on bbc2

Channel: Ovid

Views: 79,246

Keywords: Have I Got News for You, HIGNFY, Paul Merton, Ian Hislop, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Janey Godley, Robert Rinder

Id: QR5M5HhuV5U

Length: 29min 19sec (1759 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 02 2018