Harmontown Dadfished

so here's here's here's a story I have to sit down for oh [ __ ] a sit-down story dear oh [ __ ] and a heart sit down okay get your mic okay all right okay all right Papa bear's gonna tell you a story okay okay so thirty this story starts on Thursday when I get a text message from dad on my phone and it's very it's very nice a Thursday 1228 p.m. as your father I wanted to text you to tell you how proud of you I am for your Emmy nomination for that pickle show you worked so hard on [Applause] and as a good son six hours later I text dad thanks but here's something of even higher value I got a Tesla because my dad I like I said I'm like I want to bond with my dad about there's a car guy cuz stuff that you know it's oh my god I'm bonding with my dad I'm texting you right now while it drives itself there's no don't judge me that's also the last thing that we ever read and then so so this is where my dad starts to really blow my mind already those nice congratulations to me like yeah any says but what about the smudges on the touchscreen couldn't you afford the Edison and what holy [ __ ] my dad is making references to my television show great minds with Dan Harmon which is a really deep cut yeah yeah on top of an Edison joke which in the red and my dad goes nothing like self-congratulatory callbacks like what my dancing so hip [Applause] so at this point it's important the story happens in layers and it gets a little thick and there's [ __ ] to unpack but the first thing I need to do now is bring up the director of great minds with Dan Harmon Heath Collins so before we start to unpack those he's like I guess the first question is do you remember when and why I put your number in my phone as dad yes forgot there sure no no don't feel bad cuz he asks everybody this question I do in fact remember I wish it were more tawdry than than it actually is so we as Dan mentioned worked on great minds together and he was not the highest of budgeted shows so we didn't have like VFX for things necessarily other than the really awesome stuff in the web that I'm sure you all saw but we couldn't burn in the image of dad calling on his cell phone so we had to have to shoot it we had to have an actual phone probably not this one cuz you have a Tesla now so you've got a newer phone probably ron funches episode he plays Idi Amin and the car and the way the resolution to the conflict with Idi Amin who like it turns into a hostage situation but then like my dad calls on the phone and Idi Amin enjoys talking to a politics and and they kind of call I don't know they call me each other down until he turns to dust but so so we had to put some ones we put your phone number in my phone as dad so that when you called me it would say dad and then I forgot but it's notable the important thing about the story the truth absolute tragedy of this story is that is that it's not just me thinking that I have a new wonderful relationship with my dad nope no it's not and Heath is not trying to deceive me no I mean if you scroll back through this window there are a half a dozen times at least the years where the following conversations happen it's like like it'll say like let's see let's see I couldn't Thursday May 10th 12:42 p.m. he text Congrats on that ginormous renewal that as early as recently as the 70 episode thing I remembered and I and I say thanks dad you're you're still in my phone as dad so I remember and I know so he thinks I remember and I know so so the really sad part of this the whole thing that happens that starts on Thursday is that I'm thinking I have a new like late life friendship with my dad and he thinks that Dan Harmon's being really nice to him so now so now knowing that it's Heath and that Heath doesn't know I don't know it's my dad and that I don't know it's not my dad let's start just over again and you can read your part and I'll read my perfect so and then it cuz then it continues until last night at which point we just I realized when Cody I think Cody pointed out or no you did Oh God and then and then and then at a certain point I was like you have to come on the show and we have to we have to share this this is the worst thing that's ever happened to end to two people like okay so yeah you want to just start with as you're five your father yeah Thursday 1228 p.m. as your father I wanted to text you to tell you how proud of you I am for your Emmy spelled EMM ie because I thought that would be more dad like for your Emmy nomination for that pickle show you worked so hard on see now I get it you're you're acting you're talking like a dad but you weren't trying to fool me no you were doing us a bit that we kept doing here similitude I just forgot I just just drank that part of the rolodex away and so I go dad thanks but here's something of even higher value I got a Tesla I'm texting you right now while it drives itself but what about the smudges on the touchscreen couldn't you afford the Edison nothing like self congratulate congratulatory call that self congratulatory because he knows that it's the director of the show that he's referencing so he's not trying to fool me I'm but I'm like oh my god I'm telling I'm texting Kody in the meantime I'm like my dad look at what those of sending her screen grabs I'm looking he's making great minds references oh this is awesome make a wish [Applause] so I said I sent a video of like the inside of my Tesla I was like China is a video of of just the going from the dashboard to the steering wheel because I wanted to show that it was driving itself but it doesn't it doesn't look like any it looks the same as a normal car because you're just shooting from here you can't tell that it's driving itself and so I just sent a unremarkable video showing that and I said I always want to show people a video of me not driving but the LA cops are too aggressive about pulling over for texting and driving they're not too aggressive that's a I support the law about distracted driving I don't I was I was you know but I've just I just I just meant they're too aggressive for me to get that video in full you know like I'd have to do so much that I would be distracted driving so then so then so then my dad says I sent a video of me fakely saw itself driving my Hyundai Elantra on the highway and it says NBD I'm like oh my god my dad says NBD my Hyundai can do that too with the video and then he shows a video and it's like the Hyundai dashboard but then like crazy can't like camera shake and and the sound of what I thought was my dad doing a crazy character going oh god damn it and he was like affecting this fun voice and doing this comedy bit and Heath just pointed out backstage that had I watched the entire video which I always stopped even though I kept showing it to Kony and going like dad's doing bits the it cuts to black because the phone falls down that after after six seconds of which Heath picks up the phone looks into the lens and goes whatever like does some self-effacing bet which I've never seen no and so I could bet that if only if only I had see watched the video all the way instead I just text absolutely sincerely haha oh so then days go by so I walk into Little Dom's the other day last night's well Saturday night no Saturday yeah this is Saturday okay yes Saturday night two days later I walk into Little Dom's with Cody John Hamm is sitting there I was I'm just gonna go ahead way who cares like whatever it's he's he's sitting there with Edgar Wright and need the picture all of them I'm not gonna name everybody was it but but like Joaquin Phoenix but like Cicely Tyson it was a table of stars a Batman [Laughter] [Music] perched in the in the booth there at the head it was a little booth and it's it's very clearly Warren Beatty and it's like I like like like like like like that's famous even for LA crazy famous like later like legendary icon like B you don't expect to see warrant you expect to see Quentin Tarantino like in a drive-through or something like the back of his head that's Cortino even maybe even Harrison Ford like like oh look he's jogging you don't you just never expect to see Warren Beatty no and and and and I saw him and then oh but I pretty you know I did what you're supposed to do I ignored him and pretended he was a ghost and like I talked to Jon Hamm about how's business where do you live now that's a good neighborhood and then we go over to the booth and we're like Cody and I are like like wow that's that's pretty neat like that's a big deal like seeing Warren Beatty didn't really meet him as such it was introduced to him but you know this is Warren and but so I met Warren Beatty okay you know technically what else what more do you need from that exchange like I met Warren Beatty that's as good that's that's peak Warren Beatty relationship right I met her I mean I'm not saying there's not more fulfilling things in store for you if you are his neighbor I've just made me like what am I gonna do with a Warren Beatty friendship I'm like this is it I got to share it with somebody right but who do you share it with like I don't want to come off like a [ __ ] to my la friends and the truth is even Cody's a little young to be to understand what a big deal it is to see Warren Beatty in person do I have an older friend who's from out of town no wait a minute I think I said it out loud and Cody was like well your dad's been pretty cool lately so now I text my dad but it's not my dad I'm texting Heath Cullen's the director of great minds who thinks he's my friend he has good reason to think that I would just text him the following I just met Warren Beatty at a restaurant exclamation point what who are you 1930s Hollywood royalty if I wasn't playing a dad I promise I would have come up with something better than that but I was trying to stay in the voice parentheses in my mind he's a hundred and twenty years old then I said was it at chick-fil-a I heard he loves waffle fries and then meanwhile I'm trying to take a picture like I'm trying to do a selfie thing where because he's in a booth behind a set I didn't want to be like I just thought me you never know if the cameras on top maybe if I do one of these maybe maybe you'll see like the top of warn beings had like over me and Cody but it ends up just being a nice selfie of me and Cody and that's fine too and I tied to I send it to my dad and I say this would have been my attempt at a periscope shot Adam but there's no way so it's just us having met Warren Beatty I'll tell you what man he looks way older than you and this is I feel bad but I'm trying to flatter my dad I'm like he looks like a mummy that went to a barber and said make my hair look like Warren Beatty maybe that's why you don't get to meet people I'm really excited that Dan is texting movies on Saturday night like unsolicited unannounced so I keep playing along so he looks better than I expected but you see you're not playing my dad at this point right you're just being Heath yeah you think I know you're he yes okay all right I just wanna like [ __ ] up that I you know I don't want to [ __ ] up the bit I thought we you were still enjoying that okay so you but that you knew it was me okay yeah okay I'm not gonna not yet so you think I know that it's you and and and you think that even though I know it's you I'm like doing a but I'm still treating you like my dad I thought you yeah okay who entertained by it and so you say and Cody being there also made me feel that way right please don't fight it guys so then you say no it's your yeah so I say so he looks better than I expected is what I asked and I say here's the important takeaway you are like three times sexier than Warren Beatty this is a look at me this is how cool a Sun I would be by the way if you just like look how low my bar is for a dad before I open the [ __ ] floodgates and I'm like your pal well like I'm giving you like inside Hollywood [ __ ] I'm calling you sexier than Warren Beatty like all you got to do is like congratulate me on an Emmy nomination and I will be your son every eight hours via text message and yeah so that I say you're three times sexier than Warren Beatty I say boy you two look like you have that post-baby glow though are you both pregnant now he's old but virile this is where it gets really sad to me this is resin it takes a turn because weird because Cody and I are talking the whole time and the conversation isn't about Warren Beatty who it's a it's about how come my dad I'm like hukka so then I text Cody says you and Mom should come out to California and we could go to Death Valley with Cody's dad you'd probably like it in the desert I want to let you all know that you are falling for the same [ __ ] what are they falling for it they're they're going like oh this is the zone versus there was a all like oh he daddy-o we all got we all got wrapped up in this [ __ ] it's beautiful but it's sad but it is beautiful it's I mean the beauty the only the beauty is only just going it's a sad balloon maybe it's inflated by beauty like people blow it up with beauty but it's a balloon made of sadness yeah we like to call it the old piss-stained clown alright so I invite you and mom out to California and you say I'm not sure we can handle the heat it is a dry heat though this so now at this point I'm thinking I might correct in assuming that maybe you're starting to go oh [ __ ] does he think I'm like I want to put on it the dad foud adness of it enough that you're like right ha ha [ __ ] you right whatever dry heat oh he's really going over the top with this dad butter so at this point and Emma my wife can attest to this I'm like oh he's really like playing we're like ripping and I didn't want to ruin it but I was also just like what do I say now but and here's the sad part from not this as much sadder than but the sad part from my side is like I don't want Dan to think now I'm not funny like that I can look at it going like a dad would think yeah we want to be cool to your kids we're also like a son would think to for his emptiness here I'm just swooning I just I go it's so dry I'm a bigger [ __ ] about heat than you and I was fine it's incredibly quiet and free and you can do whatever you want just a thought Cody's dad loves the desert and so Cody kind of grew up going out there with him it was like her Dells that's the reference the wisconsin dells where my family would go when I was a kid does the next bit require a little context with the brothel thing because because like Cody's dad so so I know Cody Cody who you all I'm assuming know since you watch the show and know who she is she's a great writer wrote a show that I worked on as well that's how I met Dan through directing the show that she wrote one of the things she told me her dad is very cool artistic and when she was a youth they would go to the desert you've heard about that so far but there was a brothel that he went to with her and he was like friends with some of I don't know what happened there but they were friends you know it seemed sweet and I was like that's crazy Cody and then we would always joke about it and then Cody and her father recently went on a trip out there and the brothel has since closed and he like collected a sign from the exterior of it and was like sweet but funny and and just a cool little side story so I text after he suggests we go other it's tempting and you know how I feel about brothels does Cody's dad still know a good spot I know his favorite spot is closed but maybe you he and I could find a new one together so then I turned to Cody and go did you tell my dad about the brothels Cody goes no I tell everybody so on we go and so I go I go we could start one I'm gonna pitch it to Warren oh I bet he has some great thoughts on that he'll class up the joint for sure and then hey damn I'm really enjoying our father-son repartee I just want to make sure you remember this is actually here [Applause] [Applause] look the time stamp on this was 10:52 p.m. on Saturday night this started it like 8:30 p.m. that night and so and so in my next Texas at 11:10 so that's 18 minutes later and I wasn't I didn't get anything else done like I just read that and took 18 minutes to respond oh my god somebody just got dad fished [Music] [Applause] you know I not I wish there was a way to cheer with a rotten tomato like you don't like my Steve Harvey line of Jake's they come with a briefcase and a peacock you deserve cheer booze for that anyways oh my god and then oh my god and then I just finished explaining this to Cody so that's what the 18-minute says this is wow this is really so sad I kept showing messages to Cody and being like this is so cool I don't know when my dad got so cool and Cody was like I love your dad I told you he was cool and I was like yeah but he just seems different like he's funnier now oh my god the darkness of this makes it worth it I had 12 hours of the nicest closest most human relationship I've ever had with my dad so Cody says you have to come on Harmon towns and we can explain this whole story and read these text and walk through it you do understand that I really thought you were my dad the entire time from all the way back to you congratulating me on the Emmy nom I thought my dad was revealing he watched great minds that's [Applause]

Channel: Derek Says Hi

Views: 288,886

Keywords: harmontown, Dan Harmon

Id: wwsVPz-9aFA

Length: 23min 36sec (1416 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 01 2018