THAT WAS AMAZING. [LAUGHTER] I WISH I SMOKED. IT'S FRIDAY, SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. LET'S WELCOME TONIGHT'S GUESTS. YOU MAY RECOGNIZE HIM FROM HIS FEATURE IN "AVERAGE WHITE GUY" MAGAZINE, COHOST OF "FOX & FRIENDS FIRST," TODD PIRO. [APPLAUSE] AS FORMER MISS CITRUS, SHE COMES FRESHLY SQUEEZED. HOST OF "THE MORGAN ORTAGUS" SHOW ON SIRIUS XM, MORGAN ORTAGUS! [APPLAUSE] IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS SINCE SHE TESTED POSITIVE FOR FOOD. "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST-SELLING AUTHOR AND FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR, KAT TIMPF! [APPLAUSE] AND THE GREAT BARRIER REEF IS HIS LOOFAH. "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST-SELLING AUTHOR, COMEDIAN, WORLD CHAMPION, TYRUS! [APPLAUSE] BEFORE WE GET TO SOME NEWS STORIES, LET'S DO THIS. ♪ ♪ >> Announcer: GREG'S LEFTOVERS! >> Greg: IT'S LEFTOVERS, WHERE I READ THE JOKES WE DIDN'T USE THIS WEEK. AS ALWAYS, IT'S MY FIRST TIME READING THEM, SO IF THEY SUCK, WE WILL PUT JOE MACKEY IN A MEAT GRINDER AND TURN THEM INTO HOT DOGS. [LAUGHTER] HERE WE GO. FINGERS CROSSED. DURING A HOUSE COMMITTEE SPEECH, DEMOCRAT CONGRESSWOMAN PRAMILA JAYAPAL ACCUSED FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP ON WEDNESDAY OF INCITING AND ERECTION. [LAUGHTER] SOMETHING SHE'S NEVER BEEN GUILTY OF HERSELF. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] TERRIBLE! CHRIS CHRISTIE ANNOUNCED HE'S DROPPING OUT OF THE G.O.P. PRESIDENTIAL RACE. "IT WAS DIFFICULT TO SUPPORT HIS PLATFORM," SAID THE -- [LAUGHTER] SAID THE WORKERS WHO DESIGNED THE DEBATE STAGE. [LAUGHTER] >> Tyrus: WOW. >> Greg: AND LIKE MANY POLITICIANS WHO DROPPED OUT, HE SAID HE'S LOOK FORWARD TO TAKING SOME TIME OFF AND SPENDING TIME WITH HIS FAMILY. [LAUGHTER] >> Tyrus: JESUS. >> Greg: ACCORDING TO A REPORT, KAMALA HARRIS HAS CREATED HER OWN SCENTED CANDLE. I JUST LIKE HER, IT GETS LIT EVERY NIGHT. [LAUGHTER] SHE'S A DRUNK. "TOP 103" IS IN THE WORKS AT PARAMOUNT PICTURES. IN THIS NEXT INSTALLMENT, MAVERICK WILL TAKE ON HIS BIGGEST PHOTO YET, AND ENLARGED PROSTATE WE'LL ALL GET THERE. THE GIRLS HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME WAS CANCELED AFTER PLAYERS HURLED ANTI-SEMITIC SLAYERS AGAINST THEIR JEWISH OPPONENTS. I KNOW, SHOCKING, RIGHT? JEWISH BASKETBALL PLAYERS? [LAUGHTER] AND OKLAHOMA 13-YEAR-OLD IS BELIEVED TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER BEAT THE VIDEO GAME, TETRIS. INCREDIBLE. WHEN I WAS HIS AGE, I WAS BEATING SOMETHING ELSE. [AUDIENCE REACTS] >> Tyrus: THIS IS WHERE WE ARE GOING. >> Morgan: OH, NO. >> Greg: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. THE FAA ISSUED A SAFETY UPDATE AFTER ALASKA AIRLINES' MIDAIR BLOWOUT. WARNING FOR PARENTS NOT TO HOLD UNSECURED BABIES ON THEIR LAPS. THE AIRLINES CLARIFIED THERE WILL BE AN UPGRADE FEE IF YOU ARE IN COACH AND YOUR BABY ENDS UP IN FIRST CLASS. [LAUGHTER] IN A RELATED STORY, AND AVIATION FIRM CLAIMS IT HAS DEVELOPED A JET FUEL MADE ENTIRELY FROM HUMAN POOP. WHICH MEANS I HAVE FINALLY SOLD SOME SUCKER ALL MY BOXES OF POOP. [LAUGHTER] THE CITY COUNCIL IN ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA, WILL NOW BE MADE UP ENTIRELY OF WOMEN. FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, NEW DRAPES. [LAUGHTER] >> Tyrus: NO ONE IS SAFE. >> Greg: NO ONE IS SAFE. A COMPANY IN THE U.K. HAS CREATED BANANAS THAT NEVER TURN BROWN. GREAT, NOW BANANAS ARE RACIST. [LAUGHTER] THIS WEEK, A ROCKET WAS LAUNCHED INTO SPACE WITH THE INTENTION OF RELEASING THE REMAINS OF 330 PEOPLE, INCLUDING GEORGE WASHINGTON, JFK, AND JOE BIDEN. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] REPORTS CLAIM... >> Morgan: OH, NO. [AUDIENCE REACTS] >> Greg: I KNOW. HEY, I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS. [LAUGHTER] REPORTS CLAIM THAT JEFFREY EPSTEIN TRIED TO STOP A RUMOR THAT HE ONCE INVITED STEPHEN HAWKING TO THE ISLAND FOR A CONFERENCE, WHICH LED TO HIS ALLEGED UNDERAGE ORGY. WHICH SEEMS LIKE A RIDICULOUS RUMOR, SINCE KIDS RARELY EAT THEIR VEGETABLES. [AUDIENCE REACTS] THAT IS THE WORST, WORST JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD. I AM FIRING DOOCY FOR SENDING THAT TO ME. [LAUGHTER] >> Tyrus: IT IS TRUE, THOUGH. KIDS HATE VEGETABLES! WHAT THE HELL? >> Greg: REPORTS CLAIM THAT OVER 2,000 MIGRANTS HAVE DISPLACED STUDENTS AT A BROOKLYN HIGH SCHOOL. THE DOWNSIDE IS THE STUDENTS MISS IN-PERSON CLASSES. THE UPSIDE, THE LANDSCAPING WAS AMAZING. [LAUGHTER] THAT IS SO RACIST! TERRIBLE, RACIST JOKE. THAT'S WHY IT'S NOT ON THE SHOW. ON AN EPISODE OF "THE VIEW," WHOOPI GOLDBERG SAID, IF TRUMP WINS IN 22 A FOR, RID OF JOURNALISTS AND GAY PEOPLE. WELL, THERE GOES BRAVO. [LAUGHTER] >> Tyrus: NOT THE HOUSE WIVES! >> Greg: ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS, HOLDING IN A FART IN PUBLIC CAN LEAD TO HORRIFIC CONSEQUENCES. SEE? THAT'S WHY I'M SO HEALTHY! SAID ONE MAN. [APPLAUSE] A REMAKE OF "THE BLOB" IS IN THE WORKS, AND HOLLYWOOD IS ALREADY SCOUTING FOR THE MAIN STAR. [APPLAUSE] FINALLY, A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT ADDRESS IS THE REAL REASONS WHY YOUR PARTNER WON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU. IT MAY BE CAUSED BY A LACK OF CONFIDENCE, WEALTH, OR IF YOU LOOK LIKE THIS. >> I KNEW IT WAS COMING! >> Greg: UNBUTTON THAT SHIRT. NOW TO THE NEWS. ESPN IS IN A JAM, BECAUSE THEY RAN AND EMMY-STEALING SCAM. NOW THEY ARE IN THE HALL OF FAME WHEN IT COMES TO USING BOGUS NAMES. THIS IS THE WEIRDEST STORY. ACCORDING TO A REPORT FROM "THE ATHLETIC," ESPN HAS ADMITTED TO OPERATING A SCAM GOING BACK DECADES OF USING FAKE NAMES OF PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T EXIST TO OBTAIN MORE THAN 30 EMMYS FOR THEIR ON-AIR TALENT. I KNOW. HERE'S MY QUESTION, WHY DIDN'T FOX THINK OF THAT? [LAUGHTER] HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN. ACCORDING TO RULES SET BY THE ACADEMY, ON-AIR TALENT COULD WIN INDIVIDUAL EMMYS BUT NOT AS PART OF THE STAFF OF A SHOW, SO TO SKIRT THIS RULE, ESPN WOULD INSERT FAKE NAMES ON SUBMISSIONS UNDER THE GUISE OF ASSOCIATE PRODUCERS. FOR THOSE OF YOU UNAWARE OF WHAT AN ASSOCIATE PRODUCER DOES: MY LAUNDRY. [LAUGHTER] BUT IF THEY WON, AND THEY DID, THEY REENGRAVED THE AWARDS AND GAVE THEM TO ON-AIR PERSONALITIES WHO ACTUALLY DIDN'T WIN! I KNOW! WHAT'S HILARIOUS IS, FOR THE FAKE NAMES, THAT ESPN MADE UP, IT'S LIKE THEY WERE BARELY TRYING TO HIDE IT. LEE CORSO WAS LEE CRYER, KIRK HERB STREET WAS KIRK HENRY, DESMOND HOWARD WAS DEREK HOWARD, SAMANTHA PONDER WAS STEVE PONDER. NOT ONLY DID SHE GET A FAKE NAME, THEY ALSO REASSIGNED HER GENDER. [LAUGHTER] SOMEONE GET RILEY GAINS ON THE PHONE! OR, AS ESPN CALLS HER, RILEY GREEN. THE REPORT NOTES THAT THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE THE ON-AIR TALENT WAS AWARE OF THIS SCAM, AND ESPN HAS RETURNED THE STATUES TO THE ACADEMY. WE GO TO THE ESPN TALENT NOW THAT THERE STATUES RETURNED. >> [SCREAMING AND CRYING] >> Greg: BUT THE BIG QUESTION IS, WHY THE HELL DID THEY DO THIS? A PERSON INVOLVED IN THE ESPN SUBMISSION PROCESS SAID, "YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT THOSE PERSONALITIES ARE SO IMPORTANT AND THEY HAVE EGOS." WHICH IS A SHAME. IT GIVES TV PERSONALITIES A BAD NAME, BECAUSE NOT ALL OF US HAVE EGOS. I DON'T COME HERE TO DO THIS SHOW EVERY DAY SO I CAN WIN SOME FANCY STATUE! PLUS, IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED AN EMMY! I ALREADY HAVE A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] AND A MR. UNIVERSE TROPHY. AND MRS. UNIVERSE. [LAUGHTER] I WON THAT ON MY OWN. AND AN NBA DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR. [LAUGHTER] BUT SERIOUSLY, THE ACCUSATION OF CHEATING COULDN'T COME AT A WORSE TIME FOR ESPN, AS THE NETWORK JUST FINISHED A TRIBUTE TO THE MOST HONEST ATHLETES OF ALL TIME, LIKE LANCE ARMSTRONG, AND BARRY BONDS, AND THE EAST GERMAN WOMEN'S SWIM TEAM. [LAUGHTER] YEAH, WE MADE FUN OF THEM BACK THEN. TODD, THIS IS PRETTY AMAZING. HAVE YOU EVER WON AN EMMY? >> Todd: I HAVE NOT. >> Greg: RIGHT. DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD? >> Todd: ACTUALLY APPLIED, AND IN LOCAL NEWS YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO APPLY YOURSELF AND PAY YOUR OWN FEE IN ORDER TO WIN THE ENEMY. THAT LEADS ME TO MY CONCLUSION, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT THE ON-AIR TALENT DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE SCHEME, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THEN PEOPLE IN THIS BUSINESS TALK, AND IT'S A SMALL BUSINESS. IF YOU SEE SPORTSCASTER X AT ANOTHER STATION WIN THE AWARD, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE DONE YOUR RESEARCH. YOU'VE BEEN MONITORING THE EMMYS. YOU KNOW THEY WON THAT AWARD. WHEN RANDOMLY A PACKAGE SHOWS UP IN THE MAIL AND SAYS HE WON THE AWARD, YOU KNOW IT'S NOT YOURS. SECOND POINT, THOUGH, GREG, YOU RAN THE NAMES. ONE THING YOU DIDN'T MENTION ABOUT THOSE NAMES, THOSE ARE ALL ADULT FILM STAR NAMES. [LAUGHTER] DEREK HOWARD? KIRK HENRY? CHRIS FULTON, LEE CLARK, AND STEVE PONDER. >> Greg: THAT IS AN AMAZING FACT, AND I LOVE YOU FOR THAT, BUT I ALSO WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU KNOW! [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] OH! THAT MAKES THIS WHOLE STORY WORTHWHILE! >> Todd: THEY MAKE IT ABOUT ME EVENTUALLY! IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO HAPPEN ON THIS SHOW! >> Kat: BUT THAT WAS NOT A RECORD QUESTION. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? >> Tyrus: EVERYBODY REMEMBERS THE WOMEN'S NAMES. NO ONE REMEMBERS THE GUYS' NAMES. >> Greg: HOW DID YOU KNOW? I NEED TO KNOW! [LAUGHS] >> Todd: TYRUS, GREG, AND KAT, MORGAN, I BELIEVE IN BEING WELL-ROUNDED AND KNOWING ALL ASPECTS OF THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. I NEED TO KNOW THE COMPETITION IN CASE ONE OF THESE INDIVIDUALS, YOU KNOW, APPLIES TO BE THE ANCHOR ON "FOX & FRIENDS FIRST." >> Greg: SO WHEN IT COMES TO RESEARCH YOU WOULD SAY YOU ARE PRETTY ANAL? [LAUGHS] ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT TO MOVE ON. >> Tyrus: NO, NO, STAY HERE. [LAUGHTER] I ALLOT MY TIME TO THE EXPLANATION. >> Greg: GREATEST SEGMENT EVER. >> Todd: EVERYBODY'S YIELDING THEIR TIME TO YOU TO BEAT UP ON ME, AND -- >> Tyrus: YOU KIND OF PUT IT OUT THERE. >> Greg: YOU KNOW, MORGAN, IN 2002, YOU WON YOU ARE MISSED CITRUS TITLE. BUT DID YOU REALLY? [LAUGHTER] DID YOU REALLY? WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS? >> Morgan: I HAVE A THEORY. I THINK IT'S BECAUSE WE SPENT SO MUCH TIME AS A CULTURE GIVING OUT PARTICIPATION TROPHIES, AND NOW IT'S, LIKE, THE NEXT NATURAL EVOLUTION FROM PARTICIPATION TROPHIES. YOU ARE RIGGING THE SYSTEM TO GIVE IT TO EVERYBODY. NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO ACCUSE ME OF BEING SPORTY SPICE, BUT I THOUGHT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CHEAT. YOU WOULD THINK ESPN WOULD KNOW THAT. >> Greg: EVERY TIME THEY VEER AWAY FROM SPORTS, THEY SCREW UP. THEY SHOULD STICK TO REPORTING WHAT'S ON THE FIELD. KAT, IN SHORT, THESE EMMYS WERE IMPROPERLY OBTAINED. IT'S LIKE THE MEDIA EQUIVALENT OF STOLEN VALOR. AS A MEMBER OF THE MEDIA AND MARRIED TO A VETERAN, THIS MUST BE DOUBLY OFFENSIVE. >> Kat: EXACTLY. >> Greg: [LAUGHS] >> Kat: THIS MAKES SO LITTLE SENSE. I ACTUALLY WAS WORRIED THAT I WAS STUPID, EVEN THOUGH WE ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE, BECAUSE -- >> Greg: I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT! >> Kat: U.N. AN EMMY, FOR 13 YEARS THIS WENT ON AND NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WAS LIKE, "WAIT, BUT IT WASN'T INVITED TO THE CEREMONY." SOMEBODY JUST HANDED ME AN EMMY WITH MY NAME ON IT, CONGRATS, I'D START LAUGHING. OR IT SHOWS UP YOUR HOUSE. AND WE ARE ALL ON TV. IF YOU WIN AND A WORD, WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU'RE GOING TO DO? A GOOGLE YOURSELF AND SEE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT IT! THERE ALL INSUFFERABLE. AT LEAST I CAN ADMIT IT. BUT NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE GOOGLED THEMSELVES TO SEE THE LIST. NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM WAS LIKE, "WAIT, I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO GO TO THE CEREMONY AND HAVE PICTURES OF MYSELF TAKEN." NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THE PEOPLE IN LITERALLY THE MOST NARCISSISTIC PROFESSION THAT THERE IS, WHICH IS BEING ON AIR, HAD THAT THOUGHT OR ASK THAT QUESTION? I'M NOT BUYING THAT FOR A SECOND. >> Greg: WHAT YOU THINK, TYRUS? >> Tyrus: I'M BUYING IT. BECAUSE WHAT THEY DID WAS, IT'S THE PART THAT DOESN'T GO ON TV. IT'S THE TEAM, AND THEY ARE PART OF THE TEAM. SO IT'S LIKE, THE PRODUCERS EARNED IT FOR PUTTING UP WITH THEIR ARROGANT ASSES, BUT IT'S A SPIT IN THE FACE OF PRODUCERS. "WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE LITTLE GREGE GET THE TROPHY, TOO. YOU'RE NOT UP FOR THE INDIVIDUAL ONE, IT'S THE TEAM ONE." BUT ALL EMMYS ARE [BLEEP]. YOU HAVE TO PAY. SO IF YOU HAVE THE GREATEST NUMBER ONE LATE-NIGHT SHOW, BUT THE HOST IS CHEAP, YOU DON'T GET AN EMMY. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? LET US NOT FORGET, THIS IS THE GUY WHO OFFERED ME $20 TO BREAK UP PROTESTS BECAUSE I WAS BLACK. SO WHEN THAT PRICE LIST CAME OUT, HE WAS LIKE, "WE DON'T NEED IT, WE ARE GOOD." >> Todd: TYRUS, DON'T WORRY, I HAVE TICKETS FOR ALL OF US TO THE ADULT VIDEO AWARDS. >> Tyrus: I HAVE A FEELING YOU KNOW THE DIRECTORS, AND IT WAS LIKE YOU ARE PROBABLY IN THEM AT A YOUNGER TIME IN YOUR LIFE, BUT YOU ARE IN THE NONACTION PART. YOU ARE LIKE THE ONE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY IN THE PORNO WHO THEY TAKE THE PIZZA FROM AND CLOSE THE DOOR. >> Kat: IT MAKES SENSE, THOUGH, BECAUSE WHAT OTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE BESIDES HE WAS GETTING OFF WORK AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING? >> Greg: [LAUGHS] WE GOT TO MOVE ON. UP
