Gary Gulman Performs Stand-Up

WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"." MY NEXT GUEST IS A REGULAR AT THE COMEDY CELLAR HERE IN NEW YORK. PLEASE WELCOME GARY GULMAN! ( APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU SOUND GREAT. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE. I'M VLG A GOOD KAY. YESTERDAY, OF TOUGH. I SLEPT TOO LATE. I SLEPT-- ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WOKE UP AND I WAS IMMEDIATELY PRAYING, "PLEASE BE A.M. PLEASE BE A.M ( LAUGHTER ) I TURNED OVER MY PHONE. IT WAS 1:52 P.M. 1:52 P.M. SPP YOU'RE THINKING YOU MUST HAVE GONE TO BED REALLY LATE. 11:00. I SLEPT THROUGH AN ENTIRE "M." ( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, I WOKE UP AT 1:52 P.M. I DIDN'T GET UP AT 1:52 P.M. WHEN DID WAKING UP AND GETTING UP BECOME TWO SEPARATE NEGOTIATIONS? ( LAUGHTER ) SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. THEY WAKE UP, THEY GET UP, THEY START DOMINATING THE WORLD. EVERYBODY ELSE, THERE'S PROMISES AND COMPROMISES AND BARGAINS. ( LAUGHTER ) THE OTHER-- THE OTHER DAY I SAID TO MYSELF-- I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT I SAID, "GAR--" I'M VERY GENTLE WITH MYSELF. I SAID, "GAR, JUST BRUSH YOUR TOP TEETH." ( LAUGHTER ) I HAD TO DO LAUNDRY. THAT KEPT ME IN BED. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THE LAUNDRY. AND I JUST-- UCK. YOU HAVE TO SEPARATE IT AND PUT IT IN THE WASH. TAKE IT OUT OF THE WASH. PUT IT IN THE DRYER, AND WAIT FOR AN ANGRY NEIGHBOR TO TAKE IT OUT FOR YOU. THEN YOU'VE GOT TO PUT IT INTO THE LAUNDRY BAG AND DUMP IT ON THE BED AND SLEEP I SET GOALS AND I ACHIEVE THEM. THE THING THAT GETS ME THROUGH, THOUGH, IS DONUTS AND ICE CREAM. I LOVE ICE CREAM, BUT I HAVE THIS THING WHERE I HAVE TO EYE DON'T WANT TO EAT THE ENTIRE PINT, SO I SAY JUST EAT HALF THE PINT. BUT THEN WHEN I GET HALFWAY THROUGH, I HAVE THIS COMPULSION WHERE I NEED TO LEAVE A FLAT SURFACE. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) WHO-- WHO AM I LEAVING THE FLAT SURFACE-- FOR THE DAY CREW? ( LAUGHTER ) THEY'LL COME IN AND BE OUTRAGED BY ALL THE CRAGS AND CRANNIES IN THIS? ( LAUGHTER ) BUT I FIND MYSELF EATING IT FLAT. Y EAT MORE, AND THEN I'LL COME ACROSS A CHOCOLATE CHUNK, AND I'LL HAVE TO EXCAVATE THAT. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND THEN THERE'S A POTHOLE, I GOTTA SMOOTH THAT OVER. I'M DOING ALL THIS ICE CREAM MASONRY WORK, AND THEN IT STARTS TO MELT AROUND THE EDGES. AND THAT'S DELICIOUS, SO I HAVE TO EAT THAT. BEFORE I KNOW IT, I'VE HIT BOTTOM. LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY I'VE HIT BOTTOM. AND I FINISH THE ICE CREAM, AND I PUT THE FORK DOWN. ( LAUGHTER ) I-- MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, I USE A FORK TO EAT ICE CREAM. AND IF YOU EAT ICE CREAM WITH A FORK, I KNOW YOU SO WELL. ( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW YOU SO WELL. BECAUSE MY POLICY IS I'M NOT WASHING A SPOON UNTIL I'M ALL OUT OF FORKS. ( LAUGHTER ) AND PEOPLE SAY, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST WASH A SPOON?" WHY DON'T I SHOWER? ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) FORK PRINTS IN ICE CREAM, OH! IF I SEE A FORK PRINT, I KNOW YOUR WORLD! FORK PRINTS IN ICE CREAM ARE EVIDENCE OF A LIFE IN CHAOS. CHAOS. IF I SEE FORK PRINTS IN YOUR ICE CREAM, I DON'T NEED TO SEE YOUR KITCHEN. I KNOW THE DISHES ARE PILED SO HIGH, YOU CAN'T REFILL THE BRITA. NOT THAT I SHOULD REFILL THE BRITA. I HAVEN'T CHANGED THE FILTER IN FOUR YEARS. ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T NEED TO GO IN YOUR BEDROOM. I KNOW THERE'S NO TOP SHEET ON YOUR BED. THE TOP SHEET IS TAKD UP OVER THE WINDOW AS A CURTAIN. ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T NEED TO GO INTO YOUR BATHROOM. I KNOW THAT THE NEW ROLL OF TOILET PAPER IS RESTING ON THE EMPTY SPOOL. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S THE ONLY HOUSEHOLD CHORE I CAN DO WHILE SITTING ON THE TOILET. AND I'M LIKE, PHEW! NOT TODAY. NOT TODAY. I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO SQUEEZE THAT SPINDLE AND LOCK IT IN. THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HIS NETFLIX SPECIAL IS "IT'S ABOUT TIME." GARY GULMAN, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 598,007

Keywords: The Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Colbert, Late Show, celebrities, late night, talk show, skits, bit, monologue, The Late Late Show, Late Late Show, letterman, david letterman, comedian, impressions, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, celebrity, celeb, hollywood, famous, James Corden, Corden, Comedy

Id: 4j66tn3NIsM

Length: 6min 31sec (391 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 14 2017