Gary Gulman – National Lampoon Live: New Faces – Volume 1

the next person coming to the stage is a very funny man he's originally from boston you might have seen him on the tonight show the letterman show or seen him on his uh one half hour showtime special please welcome to the stage gary goldman come on let's hear it for him [Music] thank you thanks everyone thanks um you ever uh drive by one of those things on the side of the highway to tell you how fast you're going you know those things do you pay attention to the man i gotta be honest with you i stopped paying attention to them when i discovered a similar gadget in my dashboard yeah i don't need a second opinion thanks thanks i'm going to go with my onboard speed telling machine thank you very much for the heads up some people slow down at those things they slam on the brakes you don't have to slow down at those things they're just a sign it's just a sign it can't chase you don't slow down you think i slow down i don't slow down i speed up and set the high score a stupid invention that is you know what another bad invention is the thing that puts out a candle for you the candle snuffer oh thank god thank god finally a practical way to put out a candle oh thank god remember the old method all those years of oh how did we overcome it then there's some inventions that are good inventions but you're like well where the hell has that been the self-adhesive postage stamp we had space shuttles before we had self-adhesive postage stamps space shuttle technology self-adhesive poster sam technology neck and neck for a while space shuttles won it was the post office sitting on this technology afraid we weren't ready for it oh we'd give it to them to blow their minds let's not open up that pandora's box let them lick then when they came out with them they were so proud of themselves they had a sign a post a poster at the post office they congratulate us on our self-adhesive postage stamps oh yeah congratulations post office way to invent the sticker yeah we've had stickers every banana i've ever eaten has had a sticker on it took you 500 years to catch up to chiquita i'll tell you a good invention the pill the pill is a good invention just by the fact that you know exactly which pill i'm talking about nobody's here ibuprofen you know i'm talking about the birth control pill there are billions of pills that's the pill there's a pill that keeps you from getting polio that's not the pill this one will save your life no this one you don't have to wear a condom with this one that's that's the pill [Applause] you won't have a baby if you wear this man my cousin's having a baby my cousin's having a baby and much like you people i couldn't give a [ __ ] it's just uh you know what i mean it's a cousin it's more coincidence than it is family to me to me it's like oh wow we have the same grandpa that's unbelievable i'll see you next thanksgiving okay good but i acted interested i'm really good at actress acting interested i was like do you know what you're going to be having do you know what you're going to be having because that's they can find out what they're going to be having she says no we want to be surprised surprised you're not going to be surprised what is going to come out of there that's going to be a surprise it's either a boy or a girl surprise bonsai tree surprise chicken wings oh my gosh are you as surprised as i am no it's either a boy or a girl it's 50 50. 50 50 ever flipped a coin and been shocked [Applause] [Laughter] oh my gosh so how tall am i that's a good question six foot six yeah yeah that's a big jew right there that is a big big jewish guy right there six foot six i don't mind when people ask me how tall and what i don't like is when they have follow-up questions i don't know how tall my parents are whether i played sports how big my shoes are what are you doing a project no and the worst one is how tall are your parents because my dad is five seven my mom is five three and when people find that out they always say the same thing they would say how tall is the milk man yeah that's funny yeah uh hmm yeah uh first of all what year is this anybody here had dairy delivered in the past 500 years no no but i appreciate you questioning my mom's fidelity yeah hey thanks for calling my mom a [ __ ] i appreciate that yeah yeah i just go along with this point i'm like yeah my mom was with the milkman that's her thing that's her fetish yeah she only dates guys with occupations that no longer exist that's her thing she dated the milkman for a while before that she was involved with the cobbler the uh chimney sweep chim chim cherry the uh town crier here you hear ye she dated the blacksmith for a fortnight only a fortnight she even dated the muffin man do you know the muffin man yes the michael man on drury lane is where that sorted affair took place do you play sports that's what people always want to know do i play sports i played sports i played football i love football to this day the only thing i don't understand the cheerleaders are there cheers helping anybody honestly you ever see a player interviewed after the game he's like yeah yeah we were down pretty big in the fourth quarter we were getting killed but then the uh cheerleaders started chanting defense and that's when it dawned on me we ought to start playing some defense coach he huddled us up he said fellas those gals are right i'm putting in the defense also they had another suggestion i don't know if you want to take them up on they said you should be aggressive i said you should be aggressive b-e-a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e aggressive why did they spell it was there one player b e h oh be aggressive okay i thought you were saying to be egregious i don't even know what that means i thought you said be gregarious i told my opponent i loved his hair i thought he said the agrarian i tried to convert the entire economy to farming despite the global dependence on high-tech and fossil fuels [Laughter] figure skating is another sport that i have a joke about and figure skating cruelest sport i know figure skating because when the women fall during their routine they make them finish skating they're like this is the lowest point in their life keep dancing sweetie keep going and they asked they interview them after they're done skating they ask the stupidest questions the most inane question you're like why do you think you fell why do i think i fell gee i think i might have fallen because it was so damn slippery yeah i don't know if you noticed but it was like a sheet of ice out there they really ought to do something about that maybe throw down some rock salt because somebody's gonna get hurt mark my words and they're like uh why do you think you fell why do you think you fell and then they say uh what were you thinking when you fell what were you thinking what was going through your mind when you felt what was i thinking gee that's a good question at first i wasn't even thinking i was more trying to climb out from under an avalanche of lost hopes and broken dreams but then i thought to myself hey bright side of things maybe i can trade in this bronze medal from my childhood why do they advertise milk who are they targeting with this campaign people unaware of milk people sitting at home oblivious to this drink just watching those commercials just mesmerized going oh yeah oh that would go good with a cookie milk you say am i pronouncing it correctly is it milka it's not a silent k i just want to make an ass out of myself when i order it tonight maybe they're at breakfast they're all bummed oh god this rice krispies is so dry if only there was some sort of beverage i could pour over it kind of moisten it up i tried dr pepper it was almost too effervescent snap crackle was deafening in the pop kapow oh milk i'm gonna try that with a cookie i love cookies i'm an adult but i love cookies and it's hard to be you know into cookies because you can't get it at a restaurant you know what i mean hey i hope you saved room for dessert well i hope you've got some cookies you can't do it it's an embarrassing thing the best cookie i love this cookie and it's just taken it's gone from here great to like greatest like classic the oreo cookie the oreo cookie are you goddamn right clap are you [ __ ] kidding me what they have done in the past five years with the oreo cookie the double stuff wow wow mint oreo i'm eating an oreo it feels like i'm brushing my teeth peanut butter in the middle of an oreo cookie peanut butter wow wow that's so cocky because it's like they're saying a nutter butter we got it we got it we know what we're doing we're oreo i think we know how to do cookies but we admire what you did with the peanut shaped cookie that's cute but wear oreo they have one with chocolate fudge in the middle of an oreo cookie wow wow that's delicious and a little scary because it's like oreo have you been reading my diary that's been a fantasy of mine for a long long time oreo and for you to make it happen well god bless you god bless you oreo cookie newtons newtons have surprised everybody i think newtons have really come on in the past several years with some good stuff they used to be obsessed with figs they were obsessed all they did with figs and to be honest with you i wouldn't recognize a fig if it walked right in there right now i don't know what a fig looks like outside of a newton but some guy took over there and he took it to the next level he had a vision and he just gathered everybody up he says you know what anything we can grind up and shove inside a newton let's do it uh cranberry kiwi sir [ __ ] yes i said anything cranberry kiwi is a subset of anything put it in there pepperidge farm um really pepperage farm really there's a farm there's a pepperidge farm some guy every day i wake up at 5am to till the milano fields really milano i love the names of a milano geneva bordeaux pepperidge farm come on i bought you a target stop flossing me pepperidge farm you're next to the goldfish for crying out loud that's where you made your money goldfish don't brussels bordeaux made peppered fun oh worst cookie sugar cookie ugh how do you even call yourself a cookie all you're offering is sugar we're the cookie with sugar in us what let me tell you something sugar sugar cookie is it yeah uh last halloween last halloween oreo oreo had orange filling trick or treat i feel that's a treat but you're gonna stick with sugar all right let me tell you something sugar cookie just so you know this every cookie is a sugar cookie a cookie without sugar is a cracker according to my senior thesis entitled every cookie is a sugar cookie a cookie without sugar is a cracker by gary goldman that's what's my i studied uh zoology let's say and i just i wish i did i love animals i watch all the animal planet shows i ever see this animal the walrus oh my god is that the ugliest animal you've ever seen it looks like something god built last minute you know what i mean because it has like flippers tusks a mustache a mustache on a sea mammal god must have been up very very late that night he's just like uh this is due tomorrow can i just do a greatest hits or something can i do a best of god or something like that because i'm exhausted yeah that's what i'll do i'll put together some other animals that i've already made i'll put together the seal the elephant and burt reynolds the coolest animal but it's extinct and i oh i wish we had him now the woolly mammoth that is a great looking big furry elephant with the tusks and everything that is a great looking animal oh my god but do we really need the woolly at this point in 2003 are people going to be confused if you just say you saw a mammoth i saw a mammoth mammoth it's a little vague what type of man oh the wooly yes the wooly that is a majestic beast i thought you were talking about the corduroy mammoth which of course died out a long time ago because the hunters could always hear it coming [Laughter] it's a good job it's a good job i used to work at starbucks i got fired for being sarcastic to a customer whatever the guy was mad because i wasn't making his latte fast enough she got very angry at me and he says uh he says forget about the coffee i don't even want the coffee anymore just give me my bread back just give me my bread back [Laughter] your bread so did you just ask for your bread back sir why why the rush what are you do back in 1974. what do you got foreigner tickets is that what's going on tonight you seeing the doobie brothers with foreigners or double bills what's going on what if i don't give you a bread back what happened to him what are you going to do then call the fuzz and i'm going to call starsky and or hutch on me sir seriously what are you gonna go home are you gonna tape uh circus of the stars is that what's going on tonight oh that's right you don't have a vcr where you come from they cost ten thousand dollars that's that's a lot of bread isn't it sir i know thanks very much everyone i had a great time good night thank you let's keep it going for gary goldman how was it up there tonight it was hot it was a little sweaty but it was fun the crowd was very nice and and clappy and nice and fun is it really different to being on say the talk shows the late night talk shows uh different energy a little bit because um i can see all the faces and stuff so they're really close to the uh hey buddy so they're really close to the uh uh stage millionaire joe millionaire

Channel: peppersghost

Views: 100,460

Keywords: gary gulman, standup, comedy

Id: 2TWxPgmImcY

Length: 15min 39sec (939 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 19 2022