Funniest Moments #1-39 - How I Met Your Mother

uh the lamb here is supposed to be great oh i am a vegan i wish i could tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder but i guess i'm just not as strong as you are that's cause you need protein i'll have the lamb this is her she wrote the book huh her name must be anita okay my plan was to sleep with her but this changes everything new plan i'm going to sleep with her you are so screwed what are you talking about and why is that girl checking you out because i look good i believe you and i met for a reason it's like the universe was saying hey barney there's this dude he's pretty cool but it's your job to make him awesome fine you want to be a chain of screaming it's a chain of screaming i came up with a circle idea halfway through because i thought it was a more elegant metaphor but fine ruin it you guys always undermine me when i'm trying to make a point and i'm sick of it god i'm surrounded by idiots idiots have a good party you too kiddo what am i supposed to do you got to mark your territory and i don't mean missing the toilet see that little hottie on the end she's short but has an ample bosom i love it she's like half boob ted your problem is all you do is think think think i'm teaching you how to do do do do do totally who is she i have no idea nice oh god dale are you a properly licensed massage therapist i trained for three years i don't need to do the buenos aires i have a card i can show you is the card laminated what do you mean laminating it's covered in protective plastic oh yes damn it he checks out oh sweet can i get a toot against car rules this is against car rules ted relax it's cuban people pay to have their car smell like this well that's just not true i don't have any other options oh there's always that teaching job yeah i didn't work this hard to be stuck in some crappy dead-end teaching job no offense lily i got peed on three times today no arguments here he just got off the bus from iowa just got off the bus from iowa how lucky is it that an aspiring dancer just off the bus from iowa runs into the producer of the rockets have you chosen your entree i have uh sweet brunette eight o'clock nine o'clock 10 30. she's walking to the bar her really yeah no you're right ambition is the enemy of success yeah and say what what's our big opening line uh it was uh daddy's home daddy's home yeah okay you you want us to go over there right now and say to those girls daddy's home really think about that barney hmm yeah i think it's pretty solid so i'm working on this report called using 23b3 spurious class action precedent to contest a class certification whether based on lack of commonality and numerosity dude you lost us can you just call it something cool like a ninja report okay yeah all right whatever um so i'm supposed to turn in the ninja report yesterday [Music] maybe i can help marshall you're no lily lily is a diabolical puppet master subtly manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants she's pure evil marshall you got a good one here hang on to her ugh and not just any girl i mean i'll destroy him okay uh well first of all bad idea jeans no no it's a great idea that's the whole point of getting drunk you do things you'd never do in a million years if you were sober says every girl you've ever slept with for god's sakes please give me one piece of useful advice lily control your woman that's ridiculous just because he's a little sleepy and he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall huh he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall i mean sure barney has slept with plenty of other people's mothers but there's a huge spike in interest coming and this isn't just some dead cat bounce this is big sustainable growth over the long term you're a big sustainable growth let's meet the girls jessica's a rhodes scholar she's traveled all over the world speaks four languages is a concert pianist and claire reached for the check so i don't know it's a squeaker wow that's a big snake oh there's a snake in the swamp no i'm talking about your penis well i called her and they all seem a lot better than her based on the brief conversations i had with them does he know i'm in here yeah hey robin you were awesome last night you were charming you were funny you were totally working that girl you went home with her yes i did it's just bad camera work okay wayne our camera guy he wasn't that great i don't know i think he did a pretty good job considering he was probably only using one hand i should call her no no if you call her when she asks you not to you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it now listen whenever you feel like calling her you come find me first and i will punch you in the face oh man i am so excited that you're here it has been forever since i have been around anyone even remotely fun uh yes offense lily out of court settlement drop this whole thing and i'll give you ten bucks no i can't go higher than ten let's get out of here guys oh mr mosby you built a mu this woman is mad at you because you lied to her so your solution is to pretend you broke your leg you're right a neck brace thanks lil man i wish i talked to you sooner i've been practicing with these crutches all day and whoever left them in my lobby probably really needs them okay so red indicates level of attractiveness blue intellectual stimulation green emotional connection yellow compatibility of life goals and purple whether or not she reached for the check i just got invited to the architects ball the annual gala that honors the city's greatest architects oh no you guys see why this sucks right because it's an annual gala honoring the city's greatest architect ted left to right yes yes great idea let the fates decide huh i will pick left just call one of them one day we're in love the next day he's dead to me but we're great honey to the times i've lied to women for sex having purposes what were they nines and tens mostly there was uh four once she was a slump buster but nora after that i had a run that she would not believe i thought he'd never go to sleep already uh is marshall okay yeah he's here and he's great uh hello marshall tell ted already ted this is new york city you're never gonna drive it this is a really really stupid purchase and and i'm sorry but none of us can support it shotgun for eternity you can't call shutdown for eternity i just called it you can't just call things barney i call it i can call things knock this is me yelling at you barney i'm sorry i couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly landing on a leaf about three blocks away hey marshall hey ted you hungry what's the point i could eat some food it's just gonna leave me well at least in that scenario you get to do the dumping tonight we're going to get you someone way hotter than robin okay robin's at 10 fine we'll get you a 12. or you know two sixes failing that four threes and break last case of emergency we'll go to staten island to get you 12 ones marshall last week you were trash that no one wanted to look at now you're a sports guy that was trash last week i stabbed my fiance come on marshall you really think she's still your fiancee you ever going to tell her how you feel no maybe never i don't know i just need look it would not be smart if we got together i i mean i'm looking to settle down she's looking for us well you done great check out table number four this man was a little boy is boy the right word i felt absolutely powerless flaccid hell i felt castrated god you're hot right now you just checked out robin's ass what no i don't barney house dude that's awesome you're finally forgetting about that short redhead lily yes lily thank you that was gonna drive me crazy all night you and i are both attracted to each other we're young we're drunk half of us anyway and we only get one life barney i've never been screamed at like that in my life come on when's the last time you got screamed at at work i got screamed at three times today once in korean four hundred dollars i didn't order any of this maybe dearduff the hooker ordered it well i'm not paying for room service the hooker ordered i've been there there she's the greatest woman on the planet i'm getting off topic you're an idiot that's my message you're an idiot no one person storming off isn't enough marshall storm off with me a charity dinner yeah two thousand dollars in play fifteen hundred stop rounding up and it's for third world hunger you're gonna put out what there's only one reason he's taking her to this dinner and it's not so little mootook and get his malaria pills oh you shaved i did and likes the fear i liked it too but it was getting kind of hot maybe in the winter i'll grow it back out you're already sick of him aren't you he's driving me crazy when pj had a job he was sexy he was guardian of the bathroom key a hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee that's the dream so i go in this morning it's freezing so i walk over there and i don't know why i'm still talking because clearly we're all asking the same question what in god's creation is going on with robin's breasts i don't know right i'm [Music] i know that you're in love with robin what ooh that must be adam sup punchy sup schmosby do you want to go i'm already there come on dude seriously sorry about your dad yeah it was a real shock i think that sandwich was laced with other stuff like hard mates what do you mean usually after a sandwich i feel paranoid but i'm not why am i not feeling paranoid our last stop is an after hours club so after hours it's three days from now what up but it seems each time i read james joyce's ulysses it's a different book begging the question has the book changed or have i do you want to go on a date he asked you out oh step into my website finish him i'd love to oh did this mean anything of course it did of course it didn't which one are you looking for i could see it going either way meant nothing it meant nothing did you say it meant nothing no it didn't a bar where no one's overcharged where everyone feels valued and respected a bar where we get chicks drunk and bang them from this moment on i will spend every waking minute searching down this tape i will not sleep i will not eat my life will be a living hell of search engines and overseas phone calls chasing down something that possibly can't be found okay but now come on cow you're the most awesome person i have ever known well second most awesome all right of course the first being you no no the first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror what up hey how's marshall doing he's great he's about to get his haircut oh i'm worried my cousin's gonna cut it too short me too i was up all night what are you gonna do i'm gonna marry barney in a big church wedding and we're gonna move to some sleepy new hampshire town and open a bed and breakfast oh really no we spent the whole summer madly in love tell me more tell me more like did he have a car you're not going to that show tonight oh yes i am and you know what else tonight after the show simon and i are going all the way you'll get back here thanks for your help hey so today at work not now ted could perform the ceremony but you hate marriage why do you want to perform the ceremony because it suddenly implants in the mind of every woman there that when i ask a question you say i do god if you help me find this sex tape i am going to make some changes in my life i am going to devote my entire life to doing good deeds and praising your name is this what you're looking for mr bonnie never mind bro found it uh has it occurred to you to give some of this to charity charity you're seriously talking to me about charity dude i am mr cherry i frequently sleep with sixes chubsters over 30s i am the bill and melinda gates of the sympathy bank well monkeys are mugging people now it really is a jungle out there oh my god that monkey has our address what if he's in a gang i hope he doesn't do a swing by looks like that bee got busy looks like that french maid didn't turn down somebody's bed well looks like uh pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees oh hey quick question is it weird to get married in a suit that you may have worn while banging a female rodeo clown i know what you're wondering yes the carpet matched the drapes barney this says four thousand dollars i thought you said that it was one third price yeah must be a twelve thousand dollar suit oh well guess you'll have to come work at my company you stu set this up you set this whole thing up i most certainly did oh excellent we'll take this one oh hey hey it's my suit shouldn't i be the one to choose here play with this pin cushion hey randy uh you want a beer oh no thank you i brew my own at the risk of bragging my hazelnut pilsner won fourth prize of the weehawken retirement home clambake and wheelchair maintenance picnic i wouldn't consider any part of that bracket i had my boy timmy g make the perfect wedding suit you ever heard of bespoke this suit was be freaking screamed but then i tried it on this morning it was uncomfortable and itchy and completely wrong it was like a suit made for someone with terrible posture no taste and limited funds here he take it never marry anyone you've had a farting contest with oh great so now you're saying lily and i shouldn't even get married a tailor barney i make negative 300 a week and i need every negative penny of that for my wedding lisa wait yes neil oh you're lisa sarah wait this room belongs to susan topp who susan top who sue top suit up i'm trying to hey you want to know what line doesn't work on a heart player hey baby want a pluck it's a christmas themed movie snack ah i know that move you cut a hole in the floor she reaches into the living room finds the tree oh holy nice this may come as a shock to you barney but people don't like to be lied to wrong they don't like finding out they've been lied to because a lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth barney stinson like like tugboat here oh i bet you he's made some mistakes you didn't fire tugboat did you no i got him fixed and he calmed down exactly kind of randy doesn't need to be fired he needs to be fixed marshall we do some pretty bad things around here bimbos have always been there for me through thick and thin mostly thin b men don't do thick crust what uh you think that if we did it yeah i was right i don't want to hear and i did a really good job that i could turn that into my baby i think i'm gonna throw up morning six no my skin is loose like an elephant my boobs are perky and plump i slobber like a confused old dog i slap my own ass i slam my own ass barney that was my vcr ted it was a vcr i know babe but the the realtor stays the place with fake furniture and she wants us to check it out before the open house all right can we at least do it on the fake bed i'm embarrassed that you have to ask baby your grandparents gave you this house outright so the way i see it we have five options one sell it two year-round haunted house three giant friends around the perimeter chimp sanctuary there's already a tire swing in the backyard four we destroy it with sledgehammers i like four no this is only in a scenario where just you and i are gay not marshall but if all three of us were k you'd pick me over martial right if all three of us were gay girlfriend we would all three of us have some fun damn right we would lately been thinking about the whole wife and kids thing just minus the wife you could always go it alone like mr drummond on different strokes yeah but that was the 80s when you could just swing by any inner city playground in your limo and scoop up some kids simpler listen um robin are you okay with us all doing thanksgiving out in east meadow uh yeah i guess i'll be nice oh great and then after thanksgiving lily and i were thinking that we would just stay at the house until you know we die and i'd give you a really good price for it because i am so rich he did not say that his shoes did look robin we appreciate that you want us to stay in the city but this is what we want i mean you understand right no here we get a nanny dibs on the nanny no no banging the nanny ted please do not dig in on this whole note banging the nanny policy okay fine we'll get two nannies one for banging one for childhood slash banging dibs on both nannies oh i get it you want one of the nannies well you can't have them they're mine so you're just gonna have to get yourself a third nanny except dibs on the third nanny good day you guys are crazy this place is enormous i mean look around hope you've never heard of overhead i'm pregnant are you sure you're not just getting fat so um you're pregnant huh looks like nobody told your boobs if i'm pregnant you're the dad that's wonderful huh i'm gonna be a daddy hey guys guess what uh this is one of your socks boom you're huge my four inch nipples are gonna crack and bleed yes but while the baby's not on your bleeding nips look what she'll be wearing my life's been play dates preschools and poops i haven't set foot in a bar in years you stopped drinking oh i still drink she slept with bernie that's a bit superstitious don't you think whenever we board a flight you lick the plane have we crashed even once could use your keen architectural eye on on the invitations wow that was really awkward lil and still it's still really awkward right now you're getting on board with barney's idea man you really have snapped it's nine weeks till the wedding at this point i'd say yes to just about anything well no barney who cares about any of this they're just clothes just clothes ted sorry force i have it boys suits are cool exhibit a i can't believe it we got van smooth house it is on it is on like the former soviet republic of azerbaijan what i'm moving to japan it took me a half hour to pack half hour well it would have taken me 20 minutes but a friend called me in tears moving is really emotional okay oh my god this is amazing i ruined my pants but it's totally worth it best meatballs ever can i have the locket i think we should get back together do you think we look young enough to blend in at a high school please i'm ageless zerbotsky just needs a good night's sleep and you've got statutory written all over your body every year there are a million new hot 22 year olds walking into bars and call me glass half full but i think they're getting dumber actually always finds his way home st patrick's day 2008 he did not find his way home that night that dumpster was a block from his apartment i call that a win also that isn't the filthiest trash he's ever slept with oh here's your toast single file ladies no fatties that's ridiculous yeah you're right it's cleveland single file ladies hey what about me what's my job what do i get to do okay your job is very simple at the wedding do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me yeah lil you know i can't promise that i'll go with you really yeah i never got to go to my prom we always had field hockey nationals in the spring lesbian the cough is supposed to cover the lesbian now i'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate that lockheed is a wedding gift for robin robin oh god this again that i'm giving to her as a friend because i'm kind of the wedding gift master now bring it back to me right now fine meet me at the bow bridge in central park in one hour and by the way i want kenny back who's kenny my pet tarantula dear ted it's encyclopedia not encyclopaedia why do you always say things in the most pretentious way possible it makes you sound douchey and that's douchey not duchess you called c-3po the tin man he's made of 10. it's tattooing scrap metal this is not an argument you were going to win we should go back to the party in relaxed fit domestic denim i'm sorry is this a costume party and you're going it's 1994. would you be a peach and bump this please is he trying to hook up with my fiance no uh-uh the only way that's happening is if i get to hook up with someone too wait a second no unless absolutely not however forget it on the other hand it's nice nice got it a bad picture is it though no wait you were eating a chip where's the chip it is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture i don't know why ask god this place is so fancy i hope i don't embarrass myself what lily come on you got nothing to be embarrassed about dude look who it is and who should walk in but daddy's home nope why oh you know light color balance aperture you're just saying camera words wait you don't want barney and me to look like a couple in this picture do you of course i don't you two aren't gonna last i'm going for timeless here but just girls not dudes except maybe one time just to see what that's like i mean is that what you want no okay me neither happy 42nd birthday lori does this hot piece of ass look 42 to you or or does she look like her name is lori when you date someone it's like you're taking one long course and who that person is and then when you break up all that stuff becomes useless it's the emotional equivalent of an english degree i always look drop dead stone cold amazing unlike marshall who just looks dead stoned and cold i can't believe i'm taking sexual advice from ted mosby that's like taking fashion advice from well ted mosby uh have you met justin uh no hi i'm julie so simple so elegance that's it you just walk up to someone you don't know and introduce them to your buddy i don't know that sounds kind of have you met kyle hi kyle are you jesus does lefty like that oh yeah lefty like that where we don't get hung up on the suffocating and outdated principles of monogamy and instead enjoy the company of multiple partners but how did you do that you weren't even standing up the camera loves me robin more than loves me the camera lusts after me the camera wants to put on some nice lingerie pop in an al green cd dim the lights and do all the work while i just lie there with my eyes closed ted this is the captain [Music] please call me back at your earliest convenience sheet well she's wearing pink so i'm going to say pink okay that's robin oh uh her favorite color is elbow i believe ted was mouthing the word yellow which also would have been wrong go get her buddy go get rid of your demons my leg is asleep okay what you're married no boyfriend yeah lesbian yeah want to date black guys no i i'm complex i require time and multiple listens i'm stairway to heaven wow roger beltry just rolled over in his grave that's not the right guy is it it's not even dead is it you juggled i thought you were trying to impress her you do magic i was juggling any lamer than magic magic's not lame i don't get it i mean this [ __ ] i found your book what with the power of me i think you accidentally dropped in the garbage what no that's that's not mine i've never seen that book before no you were reading it in the lobby what no you have me confused with someone else look right here for the personal library of ted mosby that's you ted i hate to say this but i think it's nailed the receptionist time ted every little boy wants to go up to nail the doctor or the lawyer somebody's got to nail the receptionist oh my friends told me abby be strong he doesn't deserve another chance but no i forgive you no no no no the ladies dig the professor look yeah there is something to that i remember thinking my 10th grade math teacher was very sexy i wonder if harold's still in jail what tax evasion among other things in a perfect semicircle around not three not four but five different kinds of sturdy cheese-bearing crackers you're a sturdy cheese-bearing cracker you know what i love about halloween it's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner hoe bag so what does a fella have to do to get laid around here yeah right because i'm wearing a lei it isn't funny if you explain the joke am i wired wrong or something no look you didn't want to be with me so clearly you have abysmal taste in men you are in the heart of bachelor country and as a woman you are an illegal immigrant here now you could try to apply for a sex visa but that only lasts 12 hours 14 if you qualify for multiple entry she was ready to squat here well she'd have to with your spring-loaded toilet seat wouldn't she she was freaking immune to everything in my apartment except you huh you're better than porn i cannot stop staring at that girl's face face huh that's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet you're all wrong i got a way to get there so fast i could beat all of you even if i sat down and ordered a big juicy steak first how medium rare but that's not important right now over there that's the old arcadian hotel fun fact while today its neoclassical fenestration is considered to be because she's the love of your life because she's well okay let's we're three dates in she seems nice because she seems nice she does seem nice ted's embarrassed if he thought this was a date ted thought this was a date stella did you know this was a date what i'll have to date a patient it's a name yeah i got it we all got it it's a schmuck lower back butterfly tattoo you're up this is gonna hurt a little yeah well i can handle pain it's one time i was playing tennis lame ah barney oh no we said no fireballs at the table what the hell is wrong with you we need alcohol in here barney we've talked about this it's a fire code violation yeah but ted provoked no you are on a timeout go sit over there let go abby is that's my receptionist oh abby i thought you said alan you just said abby is right right i thought i said alan who's abby my receptionist exactly ah tweed textile of the eunuch you know i've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches because the people who wear them are constantly going ah geez why can't i get laid [Music] you know ted it's been four years she could be engaged or married or god forbid fat and marshall erickson is a gay pirate oh yeah wait what did he say oh who cares marshall we walk wait jay pirate where are you getting that from dude you wear an eyeliner okay i just want everybody here to know i'm not a gay pirate i have sex with my parrot all the time that came out wrong oh that's not just a stove that's a stove incurator a combination of a stove oven sink and refrigerator stove ingredient isn't that futuristic god i hope not while guys like ted and marshall may hide their porn marshall doesn't have porn that's sweet well guys like ted and marshall may hide their porn i had mine professionally lit i'd offer you some coffee but i don't have any so you're gonna have to i'm boycotting coffee you may as well drink the tears of a colombian peasant farmer god i love this place it's a good thing i don't have a job because i can stay here all day we stayed in on a friday night to watch letterman and then slept together and didn't have sex oh my god we're in a relationship you're from canada i have been here for almost six years it's not like i just got off a boat a boat oh wait that is how you say it it's gonna be positive erickson man are hella fertile when uncle morris was 16 he got his girlfriend pregnant just by holding her hand too tight in the backseat of a car now i'm thinking my parents lied to me did she seem happy did she say anything about me i don't even care where are those almonds josh where would ted's nuts be hey why don't you check the vice in stella's garage go observe hey good talking to you ted yeah you too if you ever in new york definitely yeah just two peas let me make one thing very clear to you i don't date guys who lie to me well see i did not know that my bad could somebody please explain to me why the little girl act works on men want the long version or the short short version short version who's your daddy oh wait a minute you're gonna date two girls at once don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious define serious well that's complicated i guess you have to weigh expectations emotional investments third base serious at third base she hates me marshall but that's okay because never mind no uh what what were you gonna say i hate your mom well guess what i hate you he said that if i slept with you my son would get the part well apparently i'm a better actor than your kid bring in the 11 o'clocks check out scarlett johansson at the oscars if i could nail any celebrity would definitely be scarlett johansson hot talented and nobody does that many woody allen movies without serious daddy issues if i could nail any celebrity it would be lily she's the star of my heart for me it'd be hugh jackman come on it's on me i'm buying three foot massagers and one of you a nose hair trimmer you know who you are come on let's go you smell that that's the smell of urine that isn't marvin's oh god i miss that smell bro bro bro you're broke gently to the bar hit on [ __ ] then do 10 shots i could give you a different package my penis you said it wrong i did not say it wrong my penis no my penis still not right my penis my penis my penis how about i give you a different organ my penis you said it wrong i did not say it wrong are you letting that baby sniff you i don't want to get bitten but what about all the things i just said but but [ __ ] but what about marshall working all the time could but project lily little fishies on it thank god you're not a mom you're such an ice queen any baby nursing from you would get brain freeze okay first of all no ninja's getting a jump on me i have the reflexes of a jungle tree seriously but they're blonde and drunk isn't that your type maybe i don't have a type lily god do you think the male mind is really that simplistic that we all have one favorite type geez asian with some boob i love your nose job i never had a nose job right me neither i love you too bye i figured he was just talking to some girl he was trying to nail or ted but now i don't know the dinosaur bones in the museum came to life and started chasing me thanks a lot buddy i didn't need to sleep tonight i don't even know any canadian sex sex will you got your sloppy dog sled your alberta fur trapper you're a full mountie oh who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on their birthday yeah dude email anything you want to lie about before i head off to work to get fired it's a nice shirt you're the devil ted that girl didn't quit you destroyed her it was a whole chicken and did i mention she had 12 signs oh so now you're gonna bash your figure real classy ted looks like we got our guy i don't think we even need to meet with uh i'm sven jorgensen what if i told you i was looking at your red cowboy boots right now describe them they're red in their cowboy boots that's them combined with the fluid composition creates an almost kandinsky-like emotional resonance yes and you can still enjoy it even if you're not a pretentious douche well first of all respect to mickey your mom's a piece she's not ted's mom but she's a piece robin you're a doll for worrying about me but that doesn't sound at all like my barney why would you let me help you with race i'm sorry i yelled out ted i'm sorry i yelled out abby i am abby oh cool but i don't want to stay out too late because remember that um thing last month after i went to the place well you know who said it's fine but she gave me some stuff you still got that yeast infection huh i picked it because it it it breeds fire marshall fire marshall oh i didn't even know that how could you do this to ted her please you lie to your husband all the time uh uh that shirt looks great on you i love your mom i never fantasize about barney when we're doing it sound familiar pinocchio what's wrong with this shirt you can't get a girl pregnant that's the dream i'd give my firstborn to not be able to have children i might end up working at like a taco bell somewhere and nobody wants that or baby you guys want that because you'll get free tacos cause you're my peeps but right now i need all of you to calm down hello anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads out the sunroof shouting what's up new york we will be what is up new york but um i would much rather share this small one scoop sunday with you like apple tart excellent choice lily pads marshmallow well let's dig in my my microwave oven you must think i have absolutely no self-respect come on just a cup of coffee please natalie give it a chance self-respect is overrated my stupid wife got custody of tugboat god i sort of kept her hidden in a cage in the basement isn't that animal cruelty i'm talking about my wife oh that's fine then what is my one rule you can tell how old a girl is by her elbows my other one rule always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case lily invites you something stupid my other one rule lebanese girl sprint to third base and then stay there my other one moved it was always better new is always better god it's me barney what up i know we don't talk much though a lot of girls call out your name because of me awesome do evil laugh oh um ah welcome to our fraternity of non-paternity he is one of us i can't see any reason why you and lucy shouldn't move to new york well my daughter goes to school here all of her friends are here i've lived here my whole life my whole family is here this is my house i'm on the pta and as of june 1st i'm the deputy mayor yes but my apartment is really close to the subway well i better run i have my krav maga class in half an hour krav maga how cool is it that she does krav maga thanks honey [Music] bye guys bye bye dude what's krav maga i have no idea some kind of yoga she reminds me of my own mother what kind-hearted remember in our wedding vows when i said we'd be together forever well on our way back up the aisle your mother leaned in and she said not forever sweetie marshall's going to heaven hey today i yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow a rainbow sounds like that [ __ ] had it coming ted this is amazing the detail the shading the playfulness of the lines this is exactly what princess leia would look like topless and when brown eyed girl would come up on the jukebox all you would hear would be silence and brown-eyed girl but who would woo lily who would woo would you would you whoo and then we throw crumpled up beer cans at pigeons i don't do that i totally want to do that 16 moments of pure destiny in one day and of those 16 10 were single of those 10 seven liked what they saw of those seven four were women of those four two gave me their real number and i have a date with both of them oh my god there's no way out i'm gonna have to marry her no no we're gonna get you out of this okay how about it's not you it's me six words you look fat in those genes you're free to go chinese oh i don't like chinese indian i just said i don't like chinese indian isn't chinese weird meats funny music cider rice why are we splitting hairs mexican i just said i don't like chinese that's right barney stinson is back on the market mothers lock up your daughters daughters lock up your mil swankas mil swankus wait i can get this mothers i'd like to sleep with and never call again correct circle gets the square i know i know did you just said hook my brush oh hi okay got it great we'll be in touch huh apparently i'm gonna be a dad journalist you know the little fluff pieces at the end of the news old people babies monkeys that's not journalism that's just things in a diaper keep up the good work buddy your hair and teeth look fantastic today you're shining like a diamond thank you i needed that hey how's my favorite architect other than incredibly handsome hey mom no it's robin what do you need i know we are swedish we are so cool with our baguettes and our eiffel tower dude sweden's not france you know that right oh it's france and then that guy asked about the thing with the stuff that i told you about at that place that time long story short events transpired oh my gosh you and the guy from the mayor's office did in the u.n building under the desk of the ambassador from zaire nice breastfeeding hot really really when those things swell up to three times their normal size so do i that's so sweet here's her key back i never gave you a key and here's her grandmother's ring she was buried wearing this he's gotta get to work and the kid is not to be disturbed repeat after me i will not have sex with marshall i will not have sex with marshall every drink i brought you i always felt there was this unspoken connection between us and i was right hey can i get a gin and tonic see i bet you didn't pay for that gin and tonic oh i paid for it got any other stumpers like how to answer does this make me look fat well maybe a little around the hips but no more than usual yeah cause nothing says casual like inviting a hundred people over just a mac on one girl oh and lily that's my leg you waited five minutes to tell me that i love it here it's just normal women who want to get in shape i don't have to put on makeup do my hair wear some trendy outfit yeah this place is great we're meeting our friend robin here i hope you don't hate her she's pretty hot shut up yeah i don't have time for this i am out the door as soon as i'm finished with my hair good then we've got a solid half hour or my underwear that's right i'm not wearing any no underwear not even slightly guys tremors of psychedude rock my body like a seizure that was like a declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon wow that was really special show me your sight i would bet you a gazillion dollars no i'm even more confident i would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not following up if you're really nervous don't think of it as a slap think of it as a high five for your stupid face start with 100 push-ups all right cool how do you want me to do 100 well i thought that was a figure of speech 100 push-ups like do a bazillion push-ups oh i can do 100. do you smell that no smells like there's a little [ __ ] in my gym it's a great idea come on guys she's gullible i'm bored we're perfect for each other we're covered in that numbing cream we all put on our deal so that we can go all night am i right fellas just like we've all never sat on our left hand until it fell asleep and then used it for an away gamer just like we've all never taken two live jumper cables please stop my mom's insisting that i get robin to give james's ring back but robin's refusing but james seems like he's really upset but robin's gonna be my wife but james is my brother but robin lets me do sex to her but i have to spend eternity in my mom's mausoleum i just wish there was a way i didn't have to take sides what should i do you know how it's hard for access to be friends because there's this lingering sexual tension between them gone thank you do you want to be an anthropologist yep when i grow up i want to go live with the gorillas just like you did oh that's wonderful but i'm afraid you can't you'll all be dead by then stupid little private joke again are you guys really still doing this seven years later it's so annoying just stop it private joke again are you guys really still doing this seven years later it's so annoying just stop it you don't so let's go home take some aspirin drink lots of water and then see if it's still a good idea tomorrow it's still a good idea totally still a good idea what are you doing you're supposed to put milk first what no you pour the cereal first so you know how much milk you need it tastes better milk first it all tastes the same once it's in the bowl why are you wearing my dad's pants milk first it is let's fall in love and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice i'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested but how's she gonna feel in a couple years when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary well you're off in court defending some endangered south american flying beaver how that makes me want to join a gym so i can get super strong and punch you really hard in the face yes we should all do it yeah let's all punch barney in the face this is a 24-hour diner i'll stay here forever if i have to and i will [Music] just water for me thanks i was pledging his frat which i gave up on after three days because frats are stupid and elitist and also i found out he wasn't in a frat ed found a penny on the subway and it's old and that's interesting way to go okay first of all that is interesting let's go behind my ear there is nothing behind it [Music] robin did you know that boutonniere is french for booty is near true story uh yeah how about you do it for free or every time we hang out you have to watch this come here okay i'll do it stop being a couple he needs fresh air he needs sunshine hmm sunshine gentlemen please welcome to the stage sunshine i don't want to sound all mushy gushy and romantic but this weekend robin is the only woman i'm banging you know i've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches because the people who wear them are constantly going ah geez why can't i get laid oh hell yeah it's my overalls i wore these babies all throughout high school these were my jam oh god you really were a virgin before you met lily with you i'm pregnant oh my god oh my god are you really lily i mean i noticed that you've gained some weight lately i'm lying you jerk oh go ahead and jump i hope you die maggie wilks we all went to college together she was awesome everybody loved her i think i know what we're dealing with here tell me when to stop okay god's sake lily you're pregnant for god's sake ted lily's pregnant i hate barney spencer me too you're moving to chicago is that even a real place it's a style of pizza ted you can't live in a pizza you're moving to chicago he's moving to chicago listen to me you want me to find the perfect girl so we can all go all together that is her do not let any guy near her okay that means no waiter takes her order no busboy clears her table if she bursts into flames i want to fire a woman putting her out excuse me do anyone who would like to buy my incredibly muscular fun large-handed brother a drink every woman wants a date on valentine's day that neediness reaches its climax what up on february 13th you know what everyone has that guy or girl who no matter what happens you always remember them being the perfect one for you mike chat literally that girl right over there nothing sexier than a man in a fine cravat except for a woman who appreciates a fine crippet how about we just call him ty if you have a daughter the day nay the minute she turns 18 gong out ted look at the facts i dump her and she says no hard feelings she's a psycho what other explanation is there the same thing happened at the pet store yesterday pet store single girl mid-20s looking for a canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her instead finds barney god bless you ted you're reading my blog i'm really bored at work hey lil hey hey that's it what are you talking about well you guys been spending the last few nights apart i figured there'd be a lot of giggling crying jumping up and down and then whatever lily would do one of us just needs to pretend to be marissa heller oh guys i'm flattered but i think lily should do it a drum roll that's it so what you just you said good night came home and performed a drum solo well then for the last fourth of july weekend i'll spend getting eaten alive by mosquitoes fourth of july we started dating in june but here's my point if they ask gnb's chief architect if the arcadian should be a landmark and i say yes no that wasn't the arcadian being destroyed that was gnb's hopes of destroying the arcadia i'm sorry i should have been more clear yeah the arcadian's gonna be all like hey lily you still single yes you know i put a lot of free drinks for you over the years a lot carl do you really want to be with a woman who trades sex for beer only if you're into it it's on me thanks that's why it's gonna be two hours of i love barney the most no i love barney the most you're right i may not even get a chance to talk dude lots of chicks think architects are hot think about it you create something out of nothing you're like god there's nobody hotter than god hey robin hey sweetie are you having fun at your bachelor party no good cause my night's been hell tell me he wrote you a big fat check a check so big it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming that is a big fat check a check so big if you had sex with it you wouldn't tell your buddies that is a big fat check a check so big that when you sit next to it on an airplane you find yourself wondering whether the check should have bought two seats that's a big bad check when will you guys realize that the only difference between my real life and a porno is my real life has better lighting oh that's what happened to the bouquet you know good for victoria it's such an evil tradition you're not gonna do it at your wedding oh yeah i'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it into the crowd and scream crawl for it [ __ ] nobody's turned on by men's calves they're a thoroughly unerotic body part well yeah i'd say that too if i had those skinny little chicken legs i'll be waiting by the phone for your apology jealous jealous hero suspiciously quiet during this conversation about number of sex partners hero that's why i'm gonna kick your ass in this trial sure you may have swiped our entire strategy for this case but i still got some tricks up my sleeve that you know absolutely nothing about really no when you're at a guns n roses concert you're like yeah yeah paradise city whatever what are they gonna rock me some chinese democracy a boy scout is always prepared prepared to spend lunch in his locker prepared to die a virgin prepared to paint his sister's nails prepared for emergencies i got my eye on you it's watering right now but i got my eye on you i've known you for 16 years i'm the obvious choice come on if ted raises him the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. have you seen how the kids are dressing these days with the ashley and the lindsay and the paris they all dress like strippers it's go ho or go home you invited me up to your apartment to play battleship is that not an internationally recognized term for sex great i hope you're happy you sunk my battleship why always be attracted to the unavailable ones why not accept the fact that you're a beautiful woman who is worthy of love are you brave enough to hear that we need to take him out and celebrate the commitment he and tom are about to make yeah this is where we're celebrating the commitment that tom and i are about to make what yeah see that cage represents your commitment wait come on you're not exactly the kind of friend parents want their kid to have oh really then i guess those shoes aren't the thing you're most wrong about today you wouldn't watch the same movie over and over again would you maybe a great movie like die hard but field of dreams once is more than enough it's about ghost baseball players i think it's stupid how do you not like field of dreams i'm such an idiot yeah god we are such idiots yup it's from marissa heller marissa heller she sounds hot face boobs describe start with boobs vamkong is a 500 year old wellick that hasn't been struck since w s gilbert hit it at the london premiere of the mercado in 1885. watch the 500 year relic that hasn't been struck since ws gilbert hit it the london premiere of the matador in 1885. third i can't imagine that working on anyone ever that's cause you're always lit ted mosby architect if it were me i'd be like ted mosby architect there's a store on 8th avenue that specializes in how to put this delicately battery-powered adult recreational fake penises or no breastfeeding in front of me five forget about four you can whip them out whenever you want [Music] please i swear i never talk to the north koreans unless you are the north koreans in which case that's why i never talked to the south koreans we got a noise complaint from oh who am i kidding i can tell it's dead in there i'm the stripper barney quinn you sir got stella thinking gosh ted seems so cool today did i choose the wrong guy give it a week you'll get her back and her front oh oh did you just feel that i think we just had a what up quake at least i landed on the mustard stain don't bother that suit is a stain a stain on the very institution of suits you know what tie goes with that suit the tie at the top of a hefty bag a suit like that only needs one button self-destruct hey i bought him that suit where barf's brothers men's outhouse giorgio arms are not the same lengthy marshmallows i love you i love you too marshmallow slapping tree of gong shing forest sure really fabled because i've never heard of it i'm pretty sure everybody's heard of it guys yeah my backpack you're claiming there's a mountain in china in the exact shape of a hand everyone knows that right guys totally backpack they're intelligent i just need two seconds baby i know you think that's a compliment but i'd rather you take your time so you're gonna ask her out yeah no i can't ask her out because if i ask her out i'm asking her out so how do i ask her out without asking her out did you guys get high okay fine but it's got to be like super quick and no cuddling after i'm the luckiest girl alive i like tiffany and i don't want my daughter to have a [ __ ] name that's my mother's name i know i don't like you i mean i don't like you that way i used to like you that way but now that i've seen everything there is to see i don't know i kind of want to see those same parts just on other girls other girls and you if you're into that but the other girls have to be there too that's the important part we just started dating we agreed we don't want to move too fast and yet somehow we have a baby he can't feed himself he cries a lot he keeps us up all night have you tried breastfeeding nailed it plus those charges are from like a month ago exactly for new charges you have to go to our online accounts you can see credit card activity from like two hours ago you know don't why do you talk why do you talk okay space teams let's multiply five times six thirty yes seven times four twenty eight keep going eight times nine seventy-two don't stop now almost there 23 times three your girlfriend she's your girlfriend she's a girl and a friend do not humanize the enemy ted but nice to meet you barney stinson for every three tens you bang throw a bone to a five they're grateful and hard working and let's face it sometimes you just want to lay there what's that got to do with laser tag everything hey [Laughter] are you annie yes ted are you acting out the last scene of sleepless in seattle with little dolls how long have you been out here 10 seconds yeah just the last scene when evil knievel sat astrid his star-spangled rocket on the rim of snake river canyon do you think his wife said honey get down from there for the last time i am not linda knievel i will never be linda knievel you don't need to remind me i'm having fun here so i i think i'm gonna skip robots versus wrestlers but ted you've never missed robots versus wrestlers no no no no no no no no no no no ted this isn't happening i'm totally overreacting to this whole robin thing what's this envelope is this a wedding invitation robin's marrying don i'm gonna die alone ted's gonna get eaten by cats get out of the car why am i under arrest no but you're about to be under me no false did not happen let's get out of the car why am i under arrest yes you are i ran your plates you've had 15 moving violations in the last three days get out of the car but no my wife's having a baby did i have a sausage what's your name on it out of the car it's like gandhi said smile don't cause nothing sugar i'm not sure you know who gandhi is i've got a new year's resolution for you get back on camera mine was going to be make a sex tape so two what that birds wise old chilled out lesbian farmer no no no she's not a lesbian nor does she farm them no robin ted's totally bailing on playing the piano for you and barney oh really ted you didn't have to not do that but thank you you guys dated for how long a year uh but don't worry the relationship wasn't that good by the end it was mostly about sex which was not that good but i was the problem i just lie there ted is uh very good i'm sure he will get you where you need to go ah there she is oh and she's holding hot coffee maybe she'll throw it in your face i don't own a tv the only operas i watch are the met dips oh i am so beautiful oh don't tell me how much it costs just snap my neck now so i can dye this pretty this better be good i am about to enter nirvana by the way i should get nirvana's phone number she gives a great massage say what challenge accept wait for it i don't get it okay except 10. no we can't it's our nine-year anniversary wow nine years your relationship's a fourth grader and barney i'm giving you nothing to do so you can just focus on controlling your gambling problem oh poor superman he should really do something about his flying problem it's not a problem if you're awesome at it officer please my wife is about to have a baby her water just broke where's your wife she took the other car this is italian leather so oh god barney it was awful i was teaching shh now's not a good time where do you keep your condoms but i think we're looking for different things so live long and prosper whatever what about brunch is brunch cool no ted brunch is not cool give me five it's give me five back oh yeah i put in my blog this morning guys give me fives back oh good hurricane dookied in her drawers poopy pants [Music] hey brad brad we can't fight like this all night we've got some good shots hey sorry i went a little too far last night ah look we've been over this unless i say flugelhorn you haven't gone too far oh okay i changed my mind i want an epidural you guys are crazy this place is enormous i mean look around what kind of professor was i going to be i had to decide please save all your questions until the end of the lecture thank you hey what's up it's here lily it's looking at me the kid what do i do anyway marshall's wearing a nightgown marshall's wearing a nightgown hey guys you know how in the future we're always saying remember when marshall wore a nightgown this is that time so flying to neverland with peter and tink was that amazing ooh let me go next was it nice to finally get out of that crowded bed and take charlie to the chocolate factory ooh me me me me me something about scrooge come on guys i'm carrying the team stupid little private joke again are you guys really still doing this seven years later it's so annoying just stop it private joke again are you guys really still doing this seven years later it's so annoying just stop it if you don't do you come to school tomorrow and tell them your story of choosing the path of non-violence it might really set them straight and save me having to get up early to make a lesson plan all right okay i'll set them straight you're a wuss so let's go home take some aspirin drink lots of water and then see if it's still a good idea tomorrow it's still a good idea it's totally still a good idea look robin we appreciate that you want us to stay in the city but this is what we want i mean you understand right no what are you doing you're supposed to put milk first what no you pour the cereal first so you know how much milk you need it tastes better milk first it all tastes the same once it's in the bowl why are you wearing my dad's pants milk first it is we get a nanny dibs on the nanny no no banging the nanny ted please do not dig in on this whole note banging the nanny policy okay fine we'll get two nannies one for banging one for child care slash banging dibs on both nannies this just in is what i'm gonna say when i'm stabbing you lily can you toss me a beer sure honey out of nowhere marshall actually liked gmb we're going to atlantic city to elope right now oh congratulations lily marshall you're getting married what the hell robin do you think you can score a hotter guy than ted correct the answer was awkward silence it starts with an l how can you not remember my name it rhymes with your name and i said my name was that's cool no biggie another time [Music] oh my god it's not as awesome as i thought it would be my butt itches cold i noticed yeah like you're one to talk pointy what gym do you go to fourth period sounds like you're having your fourth period am i right now got him again sharing oh okay all i know is that i'm a ticking time bomb and if i don't do something for me right away i swear i'm gonna explode wow that's an evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening totally patriotic emotions you s eh okay all right let's talk bachelor party are we thinking full-on strip club or should we rent a room and have a private toy show what did you just say can i ask one final favor my friend yes of course of course anything eat this meatballs where where did you get i don't have much time yes yes of course of course does this have some sort of special meaning you screaming i'm the best doesn't do much for me well it's a lot better than yelling ted's not here over and over again well at least what i said is true hello enjoying the ride ted had to let us out of here this instant this is dead and i hear that guy's awesome truth is i used to come here all the time playing an old chinese game called shing hai sabushing had a small gambling problem actually wasn't so small i kind of lost my entire life savings but tonight i don't know i'm feeling hot hi barney stinson and i'm marshall barney's wingman thank you for your time the truth is i used to come here all the time playing old chinese game called shing hai sabushing i had a small gambling problem actually wasn't so small i kind of lost my entire life savings but tonight i don't know i'm feeling hot oh robin that's a really cute outfit oh really thanks yeah it has to go on the bride you can't look better than me done okay i'm here right after all they've been through the fact that crazy road has led them all the way here to atlantic city fed up here you were just staring at my shirt boobs what here yeah got a little time to kill oh my god it's the t-shirt isn't it no a little all right let's do it no um also yes i'll leave it on sweep you just checked out robin's ass what no barney house dude that's awesome you're finally forgetting about that short redhead lily yes lily thank you that was gonna drive me crazy all night happy trust me i've known lily for nine years trust me i'm a girl yeah but you're canadian for you sir gravy you want that gravy on something surprise me i take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here just kidding i'm good so maybe i should call him maybe no listen this guy likes pennies lily you gave me chlamydia you jerk you gave my twin sister chlamydia you okay you know how you've dreamt about your perfect wedding day ever since your little girl totally no stella we should help her out let's pay for dinner nora don't worry we got this that's right we'll take over your wedding pay you back for everything you spent ted and i'll get married this sunday oh i can't wait to see that movie isn't good awesome wait totally hypothetically do you like movies with a shocking twist where all the main characters die at the end yes you will love this movie class show of hands who thinks it's creepy to date your therapist pollstered yeah remember that amazing idea i had that one time let's go to a strip club nope barney what what i'm allowed to miss them okay they're my two best friends i'm your two best friends [Music] i'm winning all your chippies i'm thirsty it's good it's good anyway now he has his girlfriend in germany and you think she's calling to dump him tonight but i don't think she is and besides we want completely different things we should have sex oh well i'm better friends with ted than you are that is a lie he's not alive okay that's it you and i'm not afraid before you're married come on ted let's get you a hooker it'll be fun okay to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have sex with yes the point is how long has it been 57 days is that your water man yeah go ahead much a plunge 57 days what's that thing that's a tv karen oh i don't watch tv totally no no ken it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world it would be the fourth worst thing number one super volcano number two an asteroid hits the earth number three all footage of evil knievel is lost number four ted calls karen number five lily gets eaten by a shark i'm lily and i approve the order of that list just one little thing would it be okay if instead of using your coffee mugs we use mine hmm no lily here's the thing it's my apartment and i need to assert my dominance as a man don't ever say that to any girl ever you know what i don't have to sit here and take this from you ladies i'm going to ted's the man cave where guys can be guys no respect for women you have a mother baby there you are i have spent all day thinking about all the naughty naughty things you and i are gonna do to cheer up marshall like what oh oh okay you're back from being coupage what's that goodbye yeah i took that cap there one time hold on come on in so i sent her an email inviting her to mini golf hello mini golf who takes a first date to mini golf i'm coming over baby boot camp that sounds great yeah it's a two-day event we're going and there's lots of seminars you've already made the sale anyway i signed this up not even listening anymore mentally packing and trying to figure out the best way to get to params without hitting any tolls this is gonna be great my ex-fiance wayne he had no manners wayne had no manners wayne manners wayne manor home of bruce wayne better known as batman mentor to dick grayson his orphan ward who at night would don the colorful vestments of the boy wonder aka robin holt excuse me miss um when you get a chance could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila please i'll have to say at least the train will have a 21st century toilet you're a 21st century toilet she couldn't look at us her face got flushed that's shame my friend our friend robin used to do porn wait for it ography you'll think the time i found your internet search history was a freaking picnic are we clear really there are many different are we clear damn you know what's ironic is that now hey i'm ted we uh we met once before oh right in yoga class how are you she's talking to her oh just a bunch of drunk sloppy idiots fresh off a a night of partying in the city just desperate to hook up with anything that moves bye see ya new plan ted so this father-son thing you know a backwards baseball cap really youngs me down as your next commissioner state supreme court judge of gotham city the state of new york i'm out to make batman work harder i say shine that bad signal even for small stuff like uh shoveling snow it was just too much indiana jones wouldn't look at this body but this is a body that would melt a nazi's face oh man i want my face to melt the first batch exploded which sounded kind of like this boom ah just let me finish but the second batch sadly also exploded why are you here right now want to hear the story or not absolutely not please leave well hey i mean maybe after this if you're not doing anything totally and maybe later we could get a bite to eat there's this great place that's super close no toss me that bottle yeah we haven't done this forever dude you're a grown man why are you throwing a tantrum honey this magazine says more and more couples are opting to have non-traditional weddings out in the woods well if a magazine says so we should go get married in the woods like a couple of squirrels squirrels don't get married marshall like you could possibly know that that's two vodka cranberries please remember i drink vodka cranberries remember when it comes to you how can i forget they all drink vodka cranberries and who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall not me in ohio when i was nine that's for sure it's libby liddy we met when robin hired me robin hired you naughty girl okay okay so how's this going to go down you two just gonna start and i'll just jump in uh she's our wedding planner of course she's the wedding planner good to see you again libby lydia i made a pact with god to stay a virgin till i'm married oh i don't have an eating disorder it's just when i put food in my mouth i chew it and then i spit it out oh i just turned 30. oh that girl last night really so perky and full of life and not at all fake you're talking about her boobs right see and that wasn't spanish that was cup size what up so these boobs paint me a word picture all right ted imagine the heads of two irish babies let's call them i'm gonna remember them rule number one don't use the husband's condoms that's just rude and the most important rule of all lubricant is public property if liddy came back to the table and you said uh liddy why don't you uh take off that coat you want me to take my coat off how about instead i take off your face [Applause] well hey i mean maybe after this if you're not doing anything totally and maybe later we could get a bite to eat there's this great place that's super close did it end on bad terms oh hi cindy oh hey denny i can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux hawk this can't happen you guys have to help me talk her out of it speech to talk a girl out of having sex yeah i don't have any of those discouraging pre-marital sex is against my religion ladies and gentlemen i had dibs no tell me this isn't true you are such a hypocrite you were only 16 when you lost yours how do you know that you left your diary in your old room slash my new room i'll pay you 10 000 for that diary girls like to come across all classy and smart you know this what you're doing right now i'm getting a direction a table for one one couple no just me really for brunch you're right who am i kidding now you could try to apply for a sex visa but that only lasts 12 hours 14 if you qualify for multiple entry oh i love you marshall i'm so glad we're waiting oops that was amazing yeah want to do it again please don't robin girls are like cartons of milk each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours i'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge pick you up give a sniff shrug and take a sip anyway but it's all downhill from here because brunch is kind of girly girly breakfast isn't girly lunch isn't girly what makes brunch girly i don't know there's nothing girly about a horse nothing girly about a horn but put them together and you get a unicorn did you tell anyone at the office oh shannon start the music [Music] [Applause] please i'm her older sister i'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions it's two o'clock and you've already had three scotch and sodas that's why i need your help sad day in new york ted a sad day indeed do you know what i saw on my way in here a girl in a sweater it was a tough summer but i think our girl's been a real trooper she's is it cheeto no we ran out of cheetos last week oh yeah it's a cheeto dibs [Music] for marshall and lily when people see us they say oh look at them they've only had sex with each other no marshall they say oh look at them they've only had sex with each other and the hug is just like a public dry hump i think you're hugging wrong there's something i've been meaning to give you gun she's got a gun it's a tie oh dad how could you exactly you need connections if only ted knew someone who worked at say goliath national bank then wait what i work at goliath national bank how about that oh mr erickson you're not wearing any pants your move evening everybody meet robin go back to drinking [Applause] look at this meatball he's headed right towards me showing me no respect well if he wants to play chicken this rooster ain't backing down there's gonna be more layoffs i know i'm freaking out are you worried are you kidding the things i know about this company i won't ever be fired i mean there's a pretty good chance one day i'll wash up on shore with no fingerprints or teeth but i won't be fired oh hell no i think you're gonna enjoy this not my girl michelle [ __ ] you know it oh she's living she living the only way she know how to lord you've got to get your gringoed up in there i'm hoping my fat ass can hustle me up about a gatorade i mentored a young fellow once then one day he hired an assistant to work 10 feet from his bedroom who get this isn't a hot chick and do you know that young man's name ted mosby maybe i don't remember because he is dead to me you don't trust me do you no but i don't trust her either fine great i guess i'll just take my chair and go wait stop come back but marshall what about the environment true the environment oh my god lily lily before you say or do anything i beg you one favor what get off that it's prada go in this morning and burn it's freezing so i walk over there and i don't know why i'm still talking because clearly we're all asking the same question what in god's creation is going on with robin's breasts i'd even consider not trying to sleep with her that's what it takes guys i've decided to seduce michelle sup punchy sup schmosby you want to go i'm already there come on dude seriously sorry about your dad yeah it was a real shock oh right i forgot you guys are weird you pronounce the word out out you guys are the world's leader in handgun violence your healthcare system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue your cops are called mounties wow he must be really good-looking why would you say that because only good-looking people can get away with saying things like that i have found that to be true it's a blessing and a curse really i was younger than you and i had marcus beautiful 15-pound boy that much bigger than this turkey right here corny none of us really liked her what sorry oh very nice lily you know she is a guest in this country so while you may choose to turn your back on her i choose to turn my front on her what up i promised marshall he was the only guy i would ever see naked oh i'll give you five thousand dollars we're going to loch ness oh but only if you have decaf i don't want to be up all night 1.50 coffee you son of a [ __ ] that was not decaf he was wise and strong i don't think your sword will fit yeah i get that a lot we are already behind schedule kid come on we have an hour and a half before midnight i don't want to be kiss and run cheese you don't know what you're missing i'm gonna torture lily right back yeah there's a part of my body that she's got a weakness for too dude you can't whip that out at brunch i was always working even when i wasn't at work oh robin i just had a great idea oh do whatever you want to me just don't wake me up what does it say i'm afraid to look it's negative thank god and hey cool blimey this is a nice bloody surprise what's this about then really it's about the weird fake english accent bullocks whatever he's paying you i'll pay a double i doubt it whatever he's paying you i'll give you that plus 10 bucks i doubt it all right you know what carl you just lost yourself a regular customer i doubt it i am such a jerk yeah wait why somehow we have managed to find the two lamest new yorkers of all time ted ted ted dude i am looking at you what right hold still hold still hold still hey faster hey ted what you doing a rain dance dude that's not a rain dance that's a fat kid with a bee in his pants man you know something stuart's my new hero but that dude can bag a nine i gotta be able to bag like a 16. what's a 16. those two eights are over there yeah the naked man works this is gonna revolutionize the one-night stand this is like the forward pass in football the slam dunk in basketball the haircutting technique where they hold it between their fingers and cut right above it it's a total game-changer santa yeah but that's a good lie like when we tell ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down i always find that reassuring you will meet her buddy you think so oh thank god you're rude and i wish you worked half as hard as the elastic on those stretched out underpants starting to feel like this is getting a little personal hey kid you know how your mom won't let you have ice cream till after dinner but then the waiting kind of makes it taste better well i've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream and tonight i'm gonna have sex with it curiosity as in i've always wondered what it's like to have sex with a really tall girl not a big girl just a tall girl you're quitting doll face i know i don't normally call you doll face but kind of works in this voice doll face look at this berry blaster brain revitalizer my god some of these drinks could actually make a girl smarter what sort of hell has ted brought us to alpha dog is right where he belongs on top then after a few minutes on the bottom why should i do all the work ted you're the most romantic guy i know you you stole a blue french horn for me you you tried to make it rain it was a coincidence i will stop wearing wait for it i know you're gonna say suits suits oh no flopper nutter peed all over my pants phil thank you for your interest in barney stinson your back is gonna look like a jackson pollock i regret to inform you that at this time i was a vegan for two years i need meat there are currently no positions available i'm a yoga instructor every physician is available i only smoke in certain situations post-coital coital birthdays to annoy my mom pre-coil on a sailboat the day the mets are mathematically eliminated every year and of course wait for it because lord knows i have pregnancy scares tell me about him he was italian classy elegant and boy did he have a way with the ladies they just couldn't say no how old was he seven hey no way that did not just happen am i dead am i dead ted do you think i have no morals whatsoever i simply want to fool a girl into thinking this is my apartment so i can nail her once and never have to see her again i'm not a monster i warn you captain i've pretended to have a duel with actual swords twice i warned you marshall i was on the olympic fencing team won three gold medals i will you captain i'm starting to feel like this was a mistake what is the one thing lily always does cry masturbate karate go sailing go for barney uh hey where are you guys we're at a fundraiser helping young women raise money for community college strip club nice i just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend and i just slept with my ex-boyfriend's really good friend best friend everything looks good i think you can handle it you handle what oh this morning he dumped her and now she's dry humping him on a hospital bed we have an announcement i know it's a terrible idea you can't do it just look at me here's what's on the rocket docket my wife and i put the cheese out at seven cranium at eight nine pm we watched 27 dresses everybody's home by 11. booyah hello hanging up on you once wasn't enough so robin yes bernie guess who nailed the chick from metro news 1 last night hey hey so i'm reading this and i gotta say this might be a little bit over my head for one thing i'm fairly certain that if these contracts we should buy a bar of course you should buy a bar bar would be awesome and dude dude dude right now all right i guess you have a point lily has no idea i'm high you're high i'm sorry lily has no idea am i okay i'm gonna try and tell this story without completely losing it i was at the nope not gonna happen give me a second i was at the bar i had thought of everything except wait does professor have one for two professor just do something i think that's right what do you expect to meet some cute travel agent when you're reading a newspaper at a bookstore none of those things exist anymore fine it's a flyer for my play oh lily i'd love to but we're not in college and i'm not trying to sleep with you i appreciate your help but there's a reason your name is robin not batman i would never put up with that you only had sex with one girl in your whole life barney i'm pregnant hey barney see that girl oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty so my husband's not about to go parasailing and he wants me to join him yes oh that's weird i just lost cell reception yes weird i can't go i've got this thing what thing a penis do you know what i saw on my way in here a girl in a sweater you are driving me crazy no wonder your fake husband moved to hong kong he moved there for business ted the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years 11 months old you can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it you like her yup call her i'm sorry can you repeat that i don't speak i never get laid our mail carrier hates me ever since i asked her when the baby was due she wasn't pregnant no he was not common old fashioned but i need to have sex with a girl at least three times before i'll even consider having dinner with her what's his name sorry gail kyle girl enjoy yourselves have fun but don't touch anything thank you challenge accepted a real man chooses his own name i'm galactic president superstar mcaulsonville college it's a confusing time desperately need sex these are 18 year olds ted these are 18 year olds name one way i'm better than that guy you're bigger i win what do you think i have seen the face of god if dating is the game then marriage is winning the game yeah if you're playing in the women's league hey check your voicemail i think you missed a few calls oh i'm a vegan i guess i'm just not as strong as you are that's because you need protein 50 laps a day oh my goodness you're making this a lot is it a lot grandma lois maybe society considers what she does to be disgusting or actual prostitution but you know what i accept her shame on you how i sometimes swim 50 laps a day well it's great cardio raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman come on lily don't hate the player hate the game i wonder how much this would hurt that guy's a dad i didn't know it but i was about to hear the very first description of the woman i'd one day marry she's a [ __ ] by showing up with someone hotter even better triple threat hotter and bigger boobs that's only two count again am i dead and my dad right she's like my best friend female friend my best female friend hey whoa oh i don't care what thing i like sports cars but doesn't mean i want to push a ferrari through my vagina shotgun the pale queasy expression suggesting nausea what do these mean you guys just had sex oh we got bit on the eye yes both of us they're different eyes i don't see why this bumps you patch up come on ted let's get you a hooker it'll be fun are you a model that one's good because it's flattering i like my testicles attached to my body rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in robin's purse stinson out hey guys what are you talking about fantasy football but i want to say from the bottom of my heart i am going to kill you i can't believe it you drank all my milk again we can have sex okay okay to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have sex with yes she's so sad and defenseless anyone have a condom if you ever want to see these boobs again crawl you son of a me because time will heal a broken heart but not that bitch's window aunt cathy's got an itch that only you can scratch big boy come on daddy break me off a piece of that white chocolate ted why don't you just talk to him he's your best friend like your friend jack package it's pronounced the cogs get out of here do you want to have dinner with me saturday night i'm actually getting married on saturday friday night you know you lied and said you were broken up with victoria before you actually were so you could try to nail robin and you wound up losing both girls in one night conformity it's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold this is a motivational poster i'm psyched that was like a declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon listen i've been thinking and then followed it up with something good it's not like listen i've been thinking better butters are an underrated cookie you're the most incredible woman i know and you deserve a big package you may not realize this marshall eriksen but you've got a huge package is this because i brushed lily's boob with my elbow the other day i'm a b-plus my whole life i was hoping to be an a and i'm a b-plus and i'm okay with that i dare you guys to dare us to make out hey marsh you know that's another mirror right but it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard i can have it under control okay i can take it off whenever i want i do not like that stupid hat i want to beat it with a bat or maybe stab it with a fork that makes you look like such a dork how do you feel about the jonas brothers he hates that he loves them washing my hair running the water holding the towel and i'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party rule number one don't use the husband's condoms that's just rude and the most important rule of all lubricant is public property you just gave those children a stapler a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent pinot noir you lie to your husband all the time uh uh that shirt looks great on you i love your mom what's wrong with this shirt you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs this is nice what is this canadian whiskey they reminded you of your teddies thank you gina how do you know her name 37 that's only a year younger than will's mom how do you know my mom class dismissed what if she's hot who wants five bucks ted nice shirt is it yesterday already hi marshall it's lily we're not gonna have sex for at least a month but you're awesome you should have done it in person desperate please don't leave me sex is amazing i'm a dirty dirty girl ow good morrow fair gentles look what i want at the renaissance fair i do camping in secret lily has art robin has pleasing me sexually you all have a passion that drives you barney hits on you every day yeah but he just wants to bang me i want something real it's weird i have a message that's weird you still have an answering machine look who it is and who should walk in but daddy's home manners that's how that feels a movie snack i mean look at her she's laughing at me right now ten years from right now everyone outside in that bullpen will be dead go you didn't put your hand up kid just died no i didn't know another kid just went he died too i swear to god if there's any more surprises i'm gonna hit someone i was in the other one there's another video what color her eyes the color of the ocean after a storm which is beautiful everyone thinks you should wait right guys sex is fun subtly manipulating every situation to get exactly what she wants she's pure evil marshall you got a good one hang on to her so barney really is a genuinely nice guy i don't recall who's your daddy who's your daddy i don't know who haven't seen star wars are the characters in star wars and that's because they lived them ted that's cause they lived the star wars yeah he goes and they're all like that's a good point bear let's try that hey ted this table just told me you're a douche babies can smell money everyone knows that i'm carrying a lot of money a hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee that's the dream you know i hardly even think about her anymore that's what time does i guess ted the wedding was yesterday white areas are safe blue is water but this is just ridiculous well water is blue describe them they're red in their cowboy boots that's them that last one did not happen okay you're right he dropped it how long have we been sitting here right 12 seconds and you're in the wrong booth you are not pregnant i don't want to do this you think i wanted to kill that bear yeah kind of oh yeah you're right we built chip city on all your dope hill chips haters oh i slapped my own ass i slap my own ass [Music] oh yeah if you're trying to get back at me you have chosen a wildly inappropriate way of doing so relax relax it's part of the trick how did you get that through the x-ray machine questions from the audience please i'll ask barney to check the tapes barney has cameras in our bathroom well i mean don't you think you're just jealous cause lily never burned anything for you clearly you never tried a pot roast did you smoke no wow first lie of the marriage that was fast ted you're throwing your life away this girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs um first kiss dale harris second grade uh first time you had sex dale here a second stop it's robin sparkles four y'all what are you doing in duchess county apple picking can you just get up here what are you doing here oh just the lord's work but you're satan i'd have your babies that's when you run tell me you ran ten then you're gonna get back that was not cool ted construction that wasn't cool ted i'm finding that first big juicy blood really i'm eating chili i'm eating chili lily hello again ted hey it's me again barney's favorite thing lie to me right now i have a spaceship what kind of fuel power is your spaceship okay i don't have a spaceship take it slow robin take it slow it's time to unclick sir seat belt lightsaber yeah sorry sorry i can't believe this i just got screwed by my two best friends and i didn't even know it in canada that's called a sneaky snowplow girls whose names end in l y are always dirty lily hey oh yeah i know it's true that's totally a boob maybe he's not in love with us how can he not be in love with us for everything he's looking for i don't get mad and how did you guys like the shots i drank all five [ __ ] it's our big opening line uh it was uh daddy's home we all swayed wouldn't have gone up so fast you got robbed this is a blend you set me on fire if i could nail in a celebrity it would be lily she's the star of my heart for me it'd be hugh jackman there's a girl in your bed and a pineapple am i the only one who's curious about the pineapple this is my first and only drink of the night oh damn that's smooth i am gonna finish this whole bottle of night [Applause] it's hard for the little guy to perform under pressure top 10 things marshall said on this wedding night hopefully let's talk about last night it was a night like any other i was just about to get laid giving up a sure thing here hey are you not a sure thing yeah i am backwards baseball cap really youngs me down don't you get lonely without yeah that sounds pretty great girl i will sham rock your world are we all naked yeah but your balls are on my couch well i go to total rip fitness but i don't work out i invest there goes one of my investments now cheryl hard works women who how shall i put this delicately they fat i foresee aggressive growth in my future what up we're meeting our friend robin here i hope you don't hate her she's pretty hot shh lily you'll never believe what just happened oh hey dude i'm barney it's not allowed to take patience it's an ama rule she's not one yeah i got it we all got it ted's a schmuck i mean do you know what you're gonna want for lunch 10 weeks from now sloppy joe shrimp cocktail and milkshake i'm stairway to heaven so perky and full of life and not at all fake you're talking about her boobs right see and that wasn't spanish that was cup size what up you heard me shaving i thought you were shaving your face well clearly i wasn't i simply want to fool a girl into thinking this is my apartment so i can nail her once and never have to see her again actually it's because of your wife's credit card debt marshall there's something i have to tell you and i want you to hear it from me first i get your stand to do something stupid i'm something stupid do me look ted maybe we need to talk let's go get a snack i love to snack i'm good and then came the smartphone that's impossible oh i'm sure nora is amazing i want to have sex with her totally hypothetically do you like movies with a shocking twist where all the main characters die at the end yes you will love this movie a teacup pig who's that working on i've always been hot what are you gonna do i've been a hooky and a hooker okay move past it guys i've been a little bit loose but money never changed hands fine you can see my boobs to the alley go tell her how much i loved her in the song most best lookingest greatest guy ever he's exactly like barney that's what i just said i did drink tons of coffee when i was pregnant with both of you can't smoke without a coffee forever since i have been around anyone even remotely fun uh yes offense show of hands who thinks it's creepy to date your therapist pollstered yeah he's texting no no hey bro don't change the subject oh sweetie did you make that from me yes wow that one has fantastic tatas where oh god look my sister married a guy i didn't like sandals and socks come on buddy what yeah see that cage represents your commitment i can't be with you boom right now i saw you have seventh period free so do i you want to run away together she brought some of her co-workers hang on to this girl ted i'm pregnant are you sure you're not just getting fat you're pregnant looks like nobody told your boobs ted is tiffany a pharmaceutical sales rep yeah how did you know and you never thought to mention that i am in the upright and locked position and then man said life is hard i should start taking lots of prescription drugs no sir touch my nose all right shut up woman wait right click save as into the bpeg folder and okay guess who nailed the chick from metro news 1 last night so you're going to have to lose the whole midwestern ah shucksy doodles thing sharksy doodle pushy obnoxious knock the other guy down and take his hot dog resident of the greatest city on earth we will be at war with portugal forget that that's a tuesday for me you slept with robin [Music] what is the one thing lily always does cry masturbate where'd the goat turd come from actually it was a goat turd how was your day uh oh go turd on the floor i see is that new how does everyone know that's a goat turd remember back when you'd never even seen me pee yeah dude two girls are fighting at mclaren's what yeah it was crazy this one girl was like oh yes guess what smooth son of a [ __ ] just picked up a girl at the bar barney you're cheating on nora already fine sleep with your nurses tonight you ride the unicycle i already did this morning amazing foot massage it's cause i used to practice all the time on my grandmother and begin yeah i remember when i had a penis i was scared for her i didn't want her to choke at first you'll be at home with the kid while i am out awesoming all over the place hey it's the mining town of smithers i take my chances with the wolves unless you guys found something are you sitting down no so you want to get back to my place yeah all right that's nice and they're still together right up to the divorce then you're gonna get that powerless flaccid hell i felt castrated god you're hot right now give me one piece of useful advice lily control your woman oh my god i'm surrounded by idiots idiots already saying the l word huh apparently you hitting that today i yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow a rainbow sounds like that [ __ ] had it coming oh i'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment you heroin wait marshall there was something i had to tell you oh that's right so kid all right first of all my parents live in ohio i live in the moment tom kyga tysy ran oh you're just saying random syllables and you had some accident in that car actually he had two accidents if you have the fact that the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years 11 months old but ted's too busy being in a lesbian relationship it's been like 45 minutes we could have sex three times by now yeah try five now you just say wanna do it and i say yeah top 10 things i would have called my truck if ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back the winnebango the pickup truck the ford explorer the you scream truck feels on wheels hello the 18 squealer the eska laid the slam bony the 69 chevy think you can handle it uh i've been in a 10 way so yeah can i have your phone number no it's for the bride oh you might want to see this ted naked pictures that's not janet who knows they're six minutes into the date ted's probably already told her that he loves her the only unhealthy behavior i didn't see from you people was physical violence i can actually hear the sound of her vagina being boarded up am i right it snitches the men's room i know i'm a dude six words you look fat in those jeans you're free to go [Music] oh party's got feelings for a girl yeah penis feelings because she's hot god ted you're staring at my boobs in my defense they were staring at me hey penelope have you uh ever actually seen the rain dance performed no the ultimate icebreaker a bunch of cobras got loose in central park i strangled six cobras with my bare hands so what are the eye patches for we got bit on the eye yes both of us they're different eyes i don't see why this bumps you patch up are you a model that one's good because it's flattering rule number two this bet is for one million dollars what are you doing you're supposed to work milk first what no you pour the cereal first so you know how much milk you need it tastes better milk first it all tastes the same once it's in the bowl why are you wearing my dad's pants milk first it is in a reggae band they're having a show this friday how cool is that oh did she know that one song what's that song called oh right it's called every reggae song kissing what i've already kissed nuzzling [ __ ] my hands smell weird smell this yeah they do that's new i'll be there in five minutes never in the history of new york city nightclubs has there been a shortage of dudes not even during the great dude shortage of 1883. oh no no oh no yes are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings and then someone on a crooked apartment but it's going to be an uphill battle i am just saying we have to think of the right angle i have a third one but i'm not going to say it ashley with two e's please seize at most it passed right through me and suddenly i felt cold so very cold damn that's a deep navel no tomorrow yeah no tomorrow we have a problem hey hey hey you yelled at me you got very firm with me very confident it was cool you're very sexy when you yell martial veins crazy muscles in your neck you're like a kentucky derby winning steed you're ruining a nice moment at one point i swear i i thought we were gonna kiss ted seriously i'm married dude i gotta pee you ready to go back in no for this you just punched me in the nose are you crying yes i'm crying you just punched me in the nose three years ago i totally made out with her i don't want to hear that oh you said that that is so insensitive um remember well you're confusing surprised to see you have it in me you better than do you want to touch it oh my god it's warm but i have to pay a fine to pick up trash on the highway because i've done that before no man prison i can't go to prison i mean i could get a lot of reading done finally write some short stories work out all the time seriously if i don't come out of there completely ripped ted i uh i can't go to that hockey game tonight i got that uh that uh this is going to happen on occasion we can't tell anyone about this deal deal deal i don't feel bad about it that's my time sure reading a magazine ain't pretty but you know something i gotta do so why be ashamed about it but reading a magazine means masturbating right weird weird weird weird w-i-e-r-d weird that's not how you spell weird i totally sabotaged myself and now i'm smoking not smoking get out never fearful you're right super hot lady who my wife keeps telling me why you're famous but i keep forgetting please don't do this i'm gonna give you one last shot you won't regret this that's not running that's falling no the point of playing is to win the trophy and if you don't know who's winning who gets the trophy everyone it's a participation trophy everyone gets one it's like you're speaking chinese to me right now we need you guys to decide something for us yes you should break up this is the face of consumerism oh my god ted's part of the play i am your father america wow lily that sucked hey bro don't change the subject boy did i pudge out for a while well it's it's not a big deal i will take care of it because i i leave them value my best friendship that's right marshall i'm his best friend how does that feel let me repeat i am alan thicke you're ali thick no so are you still on 73rd street how do you know that [Music] you

Channel: Oscar Stinson

Views: 1,211,656

Keywords: Barney Stinson, Awesome, Legendary, How I met your mother, Suit up, Best Moments, Scenes, quotes, lines, Challenge accepted, season, top 10, montage, funniest, funny, compilation, saddest, sad, oscar, Ted, Women, dated, romance, kissed, lovers, number, total, himym, slept, playbook, hilarious, legend, legendary, high five, Mother, Tracy, Robin, Marshall, Lily, moments, without, no, context, random, best, every, all, scene

Id: URvHgPkhdmY

Length: 122min 32sec (7352 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 16 2021