Funeral director interviews a Mom who lost a baby with Trisomy 18

alright hey guys so today I am here I'm going to interview my friend Carrie she is the first person I had ever met that spelled her name the same way that I do so I always thought that was really amazing but Carrie and I met 10 years ago when she lost her baby her and her husband lost their baby and so she came to the funeral home to make up prearrangement while she was pregnant which was a very unique situation for me it's the only time I have ever done it and 15 years is being licensed and hopefully never have to do it again but it was definitely a unique experience so today we're gonna talk a little about Carrie story and kind of her path going to the funeral home and what led her there and her experience and I told her to be brutally honest that I'm taking no offense cuz I want to know how things can be better for parents in this situation so funeral professionals can learn and grow and do things better so we're gonna start him and have Carrie just tell a little about kind of where her and her husband were at in the pregnancy process and what led them to the funeral home that day okay it was our second child together and we went to our I think I was 20 weeks there was the body scan testing for it to find the if it was a boy or a girl just a checkup and we found out at that appointment that she may have had trisomy 18 and we needed to go and find that out for sure through a amniocentesis so we went and did that and it confirmed that she had trisomy 18 which is a rare chromosomal defect it's an extra 18th chromosome and and usually what they say is babies are incompatible with life at that point so they gave me the option to that terminate the pregnancy or decide to carry her knee of her as much possibility as we could and me being a woman of faith I was like yeah I'm gonna carrier you're like yes and we're gonna go for it so I know that appointment though they did tell us to go to a funeral home and talk to somebody and just prepare ourselves and at that point I was like crushed because you know how do you do that so my husband I talked about it he's like let's just do it because it'll be better for us to have that out of the way if we end up needing to use it so that's been so then they called the funeral home and I said really you know okay and I didn't know the story or why she was really coming what would lead somebody it was before I had had children I didn't know really the steps she take in pregnancy and that you test for things ahead of time I thought you just had a baby and what is born or what you have to deal with is what you have to do with and never realized and so in cousins you weren't quite waddling yet yeah in comes Kari and her husband Doug and we made arrangements and they told me kind of where they were at and I don't even remember that we did a lot I think it was more information getting for you guys and offer us to see if casket and because we had spoken about them and I was my husband's like analyst yes and I was like I wasn't ready for that and you were like yeah we have some here let me you know bring a couple you know break I think you only had one size and you brought that in just so we could kind of see but yeah and I was very new I was only had but only licensed five years and it not something you deal with all the time so in hindsight I was probably on autopilot doing kind of what I do and um you know I think back and I'm like PI probably wasn't as smooth and gentle as maybe I could have been but it's hard to remember exactly what I said I remember the day so clearly I told Carrie when I got here I remember that day so vividly because it was so unique and when she left I asked her if I could touch her belly and so I did because I was like if I care for that baby I want to just feel a little when it was here in life and everything and it was weird because 10 years later work we're still friends and still communicate but so you guys left that day and and what was your conversation after you left were you like did we really just do that or I just it was weird I was like well that was weird and I said I'm just gonna continue to pray that we don't need that yeah um but I felt you are so sweet and I said I just I couldn't have asked for a better person to to help us out and I yeah it was just I was just like that was it was really weird for us like cuz that at that point we were still had hope that she would be okay and that things we're gonna be different so would you recommend parents going to do that absolutely in your situation or ignore it until they need that meet it um I would recommend it I have recommended as two families I mentor families now so I do recommend it to families just because that's the last thing you want to think about when you're going through the process and going through loss that great cuz that's the last thing you want to be like oh now we have to go visit a funeral home your emotions are so up and down already as being pregnant and having a child and then not being able to bring child home so that was really helpful for me at least to leave and be able you know and be like at least I know who she's being taken care of by where she's gonna be at and I didn't have to although I was so worried about her but it was nice to know where she was gonna be and who was gonna be taking care of her so I do recommend that mm-hmm so fast forward when did you deliver her I delivered her at 30 weeks 31 weeks later and that's amazing yes and how long did she live so she learned alive and she lived for 32 minutes so and did you during that time think about okay I know where she's going did you think about that are you fully in that moment I was we were fully in that moment I didn't really think about anything until my husband was like I'm gonna be kind of just kind of be honest about she was turning yeah turning a different color so she wasn't the pinkish baby anymore just so people get the real deal of how things happened she was starting to turn purple and so my husband kind of looked at me and said you know we've had because the hospital lets you have the child now as long as you feel like you need to have the child and in the room with you and Doug was like it's time so then that's when he called and I can't remember the Jawas name that came but he was amazing a suite and came right to the room yes he came right to the room and they had a basket for her and put her in there and I made my husband walk with him because I was saying I just want to make sure she's going because I haven't met him so I was only you know you that I had and I was like I just want to make sure that that's where she's coping that they're not just taking her somewhere night you know that I'm making sure that that's who I'm gonna be seeing when I go to the funeral home so that's I just did a video about removal staffing at that moment and having to let go of your loved one to a stranger it's probably one of the hardest things that I can imagine having to do because it's not just someone coming and taking somebody away it's letting somebody go yes who is that you know if you had to kind of rank was that a hard one of the harder moment during excellently process absolutely I need her that was probably my hardest thing was to let her be out of my sight because I was still able to like even though she wasn't with us anymore I was still caring for her as my child and holding her and trying to get every second I could and so yeah it was very difficult to just be like here and so yeah so Doug walked with him down to the car and made sure that you know she was with him and going to the funeral home and so so now after that then you came in and you made arrangement we made the final arrangements and then we did visitation and a service and the service was that a church yes at the time the church with Carrie and I were attending was and it still is I think it was a small start-up Church at the time and so they were meeting at the middle school still meeting at the middle school and you guys are building you know so and so it was at another church because it was important I think to you guys to have the service at a church in kind of in the house of God and so we have the visitation now talk to me about kind of the visitation and things that happened that were good and that really helped you guys and maybe things that we didn't things that you remember that we're making negative things um I don't really remember too many negative things mostly it was what people said to us that kind of hurt more than what you know like the funeral home experience was like Doug and I have talked before it was the really good experience although you know right you know you don't want it together yeah but yes you know young parents and giving you know giving this sweet little infant to somebody to take care of I think the visitation was good we were you were very accommodating you let us we only had immediate family come in and view her and then we closed the casket up I wanted not another thing that was huge for me was you allowing me to come in every day before her service to be able to see her and hold her and care for her still and I think that was that was such a because I was worried I don't know if you remember the phone call going hey can I come in whenever I want to see her so that was something that really stuck in my heart to do that but the service I don't really remember I remember standing by the casket a lot just because I was afraid I didn't know what people were yeah so I didn't you got to provide a little rocking-chair next to her casket I don't remember sitting in it often just because I was still sore from just having her but yeah I don't really there wasn't anything negative except for comments people made to me some of the day of the funeral I remember and I couldn't tell you a single thing that but it was one of the best funerals I ever heard because when you don't have a life to talk about at a funeral it makes it hard to preach a funeral and I think every pastor will probably agree with me it makes it harder so you fall back on the word and you fall back on you know putting in as much you know scripture and things as you can but I don't remember him doing that I remember him talking about children and parents and it was it was full of hope and goodness and nestlings so how did you feel after the funeral in terms of did you feel like I guess so sometimes I feel like pastors want to heal you in that moment did you feel like there was any healing or did you feel like it was just what you needed to hear that day I guess what did you feel after the fit was very personable to us and for a pastor not knowing a family too long I was pretty amazed at how well he he did and we still have a close relationship till this day just due to all that stuff but I really I don't remember a whole lot of it and I haven't since that day like there's bits and pieces I remember of it I listened to the sir I have the sermon on and tape and I have he did a sermon for us the day the day after she passed away he did a sermon at church on what happened with us and I have those that on a DVD on a disc I'm so I listen to that every year so there's things that a might oh I forgot that or oh you know like so I in the moment I was so like I always say I was out of my body for like a year just the experiences it just kind of it was just I woke up I did what I needed to do and I was kind of on autopilot so I don't remember too many things about I mean I remember him saying that she looked just like me and that he was amazed on how sweet done held her and he even involved Douglas and adamant in the sermon so I remember those things but I don't remember something that stood out for out too much now at the end I if I remember correctly Doug carried her casket out her dad carried her casket which is not always offered to families but I think is important you know a family can always say no you know but letting people know what they can do and I've said this many times you don't know what you don't know so letting a parent hold a baby or giving them permission I guess would be a better is giving people permission to do things and they can say no and look at you like you're crazy and I've had parents look at me like I am NOT holding my baby there's no way right and I'm not doing this but Doug did choose to carry her casket out to the the vehicle and carried her over to the grave now what was his does it's just thankful he did that what is it has he reflected on that at all um not too much um it was I know that that was the hardest thing he's ever done that was one of the hardest things I've ever seen a man do in his life and I wasn't I wasn't sure that that I didn't know that what's gonna happen until he did it it was just kind of something that he felt he needed to do to protect his child um but he did say that was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life by far so hopefully that's the hardest you don't ever have to do absolutely and then going to the cemetery and having to leave there I did not one weave I kept saying everybody needs to leave everybody needs to leave that out remember if you remember me telling you I want everybody to and I had people out I had friends that just kept sticking around and I just was like I just find him to scream at them let me have a moment with my you know like I didn't want to leave and we ended up going to the lunch and afterwards and going back and staying there for quite some time and that would visit her every day every day for a long time that's I think there's a lot of people that want to be helpful absolutely I wasn't I wasn't angry with them per se I just wanted Titan to myself with her and sometimes you have to do that you have to just say I need time even if it sounds selfish or rude but it's you know if you're going through that and speaking what you want to happen because no one else is gonna talk for you no one else is going to get you what you need so if you're going through the loss and you're there and saying I need this moment or everybody just needs to leave me alone even the funeral director take the funeral director I've been kicked out like it's okay but sometimes you do have to do that because you do have people who don't know to do anything better than to just write be here waiting to catch you because they don't know what else to do right but you sometimes do have to say you need to walk away from me I need to just be and have that moment because it's your moment yeah because I knew that was the last time I was gonna be able to see I mean I wasn't able to see her but right just be that close to her and and yeah so I was the I remember saying [Laughter] so let's talk also no you had at that time another son her eighth son who was one and a half yes we're saying and I kept telling her when to steal he's so cute he still is cute and did you involve him in the process was he at the funeral home I know the answer but I want Carrie to talk about it yeah we I had um I had a stepson at the still have coming it's just yeah yes god bless um he was gosh I think he was 11 at the time 10 or 11 and then Adam was one and a half and they were both fully involved in the whole the whole process Douglas was actually at the hospital we didn't bring Adam to the hospital until after just because we knew he wouldn't really truly understand what was going on but they're her brothers and ever since you know the funeral and the Adam wasn't at the funeral he was he was there but he was in the nursery because he was I mean he was gonna sit still for that but he was at the funeral home and we had people that were watching him for us and he was running around and doing whatever but he he also you know he we took pictures of him with her you know in my lap and him by me and there's a precious picture of that my watch they had it to show up there of him waving goodbye to her in her casket was one of my favorite pictures still so yeah he was involved in the whole process both of them were it's very important you don't have to be explained to them everything that's going on but if your simple and direct with them that's all their little minds can understand anyway so agree agree and I'm a big proponent of kids being involved in kids being there and you know just just partaking you know when you're hurting together and doing it as a family showing that you love each other and support each other during those times and I think that's such an important now looking about kids now you did then later have another daughter yes after Kylie was so I was the baby and you've then since had Victoria no now did you how did you then tell Victoria like at what part did you talk to her about Kylie or was it just kind of always there always there they don't know any different they've been to the funeral the great Cemetery they've grown up in the cemetery they have this they do the little walk every time they go up to her which to see her and visit her in her stone we celebrate her birthday up there and so I don't think we've ever we never explained it to her unless she asked questions one at one point she asked a question how did she really died and I just explained her she was young I just said her insides were broken and that was yeah and I said she was beautiful on the outside but her insides were broken so and that was all that they needed to hear they're like oh okay it's amazing the resilience kids have and it shocks me I think every time I'm around children and people are explaining things and you tell parents or you tell family bring the kids they're gonna spend five minutes and then they're gonna go play and they do that in the parents say wow that's amazing I'm like they don't absorb like we do it right and process so what were some of the comments because I have talked about this before that you know people say things and they they hurt even though that's not the intention they're trying to say they love you but they come out all wrong so what are some of the things that you know God needed her with him I needed another angel you're young enough to have another one um yeah just things like that the you're still young you could still have more was probably the most hurtful time innit that's another one that people have all often said that kind of the Saltine is when someone tries to compare their loss mm-hmm yeah people try and do that yes with you yeah what was your thought and that did you like bond with them or was it more like you don't know what I'm feeling kind of thing yeah some people I would bond with over it like I think because they kind of understood that how I mean they weren't like people from friends of mine that had had losses weren't babies but it was one had a husband that passed away they were young newly married he was very young when he passed and I felt like she'd be there for me more than she was but in retrospect she kind of was still grieving because it was new to her so we actually ended up having a conversation about it we totally understood where the other one was coming from and I said it was just a part of my grieving process I don't think I was ever upset with you about it yeah but I figured because you knew it lost felt like that you would be a little closer to me about it now there was complete strangers that were there for me more than I like our church like I couldn't believe the outpouring of love and care that our church gave us we got thousands of cards and meals and just offers for childcare and that was huge for us like what the church did for us and how they stopped in and took care of us because we were just a young couple coming to this church we hadn't been there very long and so we were very very thankful for that so it's important community we're surrounded is so important yes when you're going through something yeah access if someone could have said something to you at the funeral that been comforting or supportive rather than the things that were maybe hurtful what might have been something good is there anything or um not really that I can think of just giving me a hug or saying you know I'm here for you to talk to you whenever you need me I'd rather them say something short like that then try and make me feel better by a comment I there was a lady that's this is a lot until this day through my parents church that said well she was just an infant you have time to get attached to her and so that day that's probably my worst comment that I could have ever gotten from somebody and she wasn't she wasn't trying to be malicious about it she was a very caring person but it wasn't the time or place to say that yeah so and she really didn't know the whole situation so that kind of so I think just giving somebody a hug not trying to understand what they're going through and just being there to just be quiet and listen is the best thing you can do unless you've been through it and know that you know know the hurt and the the pain from it then I would just be simple into there was maybe a keepsake because I know you know at the hospital they'll give you they'll do like a little outfit out of old wedding dresses or a doll that's new that wasn't available when then when I had her so that was one thing that bothered me was the outfit that we put her in was a pretty outfit it was huge so it didn't fit her so that really bothered me and at the time oh the hospital's only had doll clothes and I was like she's not at all not trust your doll yeah so now that they have that that's I think that's amazing I wish they would have had that for us but but is there something that you have that's maybe one keepsake that somebody gave to you like a gift or somebody made for you that was something you treasure from kind of that a lot of little things obviously the rattle I still have the outfit we had her in in the hospital that she was taken to the funeral home and I still I still have that we have a little blanket they do the hospitals do give they've come so far since ten years ago yeah but we have a little box of like I asked she had a lot of hair so we asked to help them cut a lock of her hair and they did that for us so we do have some special things like that but I think by far the blanket was my favorite because it's a knife stuck with it forever so then I decided I don't know it was probably a couple years I slept with the blanket so and then I wasn't kidding when to stop smelling like her so I never washed it I just put it in her keepsake box so that's probably my favorite thing and I got and I got an embroidered blanket okay that I had purchased a blanket when I found out it was a girl before we knew anything was wrong and then my mother-in-law went and had her name a brighter now that's that's high and I'm one of my favorite things okay kind of it typical baby yes things that you would do for any newborn any any terminal another special thing we didn't forget I just remembered this I have a necklace that has it's a heart and half of the heart is missing and it says mommy on it and the other half was on Kylie this is me and I wish I would have switched him around but at the time my parents did that for us and I thought that was really cool so she has a heart necklace on her in her casket yeah yeah so there is a lot of neat things you can do even though it's this short life or even if it's a stillborn child that you can still do a lot of things that are commemorating that moment and that time together into the life and in hindsight so 10 years later you've had a lot of time to kind of reflect back on what happened and the steps you took and the things you did or didn't do you counseled these other families who you've have you gone to their funerals and things when they're children is a couple of them else is there things that you can think of that would be beneficial that maybe you wish you would have done or you've seen that other funeral since that you wish you would have been able to incorporate um I wish we would have been able to I wish I would have been more open with her pictures and made one of the ones I went through they made a beautiful slideshow of the family being which I have since done yeah but it took me seven years to do it but they have this beautiful slideshow of of her short life and so I wish I would have done something like that and not then so but at the time I was protecting her I think in a way so you know we did it all because that's what we need that's all we knew what to do but I wish I would have dressed her at the funeral home and of having you do it but I was so nervous I didn't know I wish I would have asked more questions of how she would have felt like and you know like I just was too nervous tied up on a breaker because I didn't know you know I knew she was gonna be cool they knew you know all that stuff but I just was you know I wish I wouldn't dress her I wish I would have bathed her in the hospital because I just I didn't feel comfortable doing that at the time but now looking back at it I've seen families you know mothers that really bonded more with that child after she did that so what would you say if helped you the most following everything for I guess your grieving process as most people would define that whole period after first of all I jumped into my church and then to my faith and a few months after Kiley passed away I found a group called share and that's um the Bronson hospital has that group and it's for anybody that has had early pregnancy loss through miscarriage or SIDS or infant loss through obviously like Kylie had trisomy 18 so anybody with an early pregnancy loss or infant loss is a group that meets Camp Bronson and so that was truly helpful to me it took me a few months to get there but once I did and started participating it was a huge healing process for me well you talked about how you know trying to talk to your friend who had had a loss it just wasn't connecting correct but talking to other mothers who truly are walking in your walk and have you know helped held your baby at the hospital and let that baby go and done all those things you can yeah there's just a bond that like no other and so yeah you think they definitely know where you're coming in you know we're all from different losses different stories but we still have that common that common thing when you're together you don't have to explain no we don't nobody judges everything stays at the table we can say our true feelings we can swear if we need to sparox we're so frustrated so yeah it was yeah it was very I haven't been going just it's my healing process has come very very far so I don't feel like I need it as much but I am you know I still have involved a night they call me if there's a family that wants to talk to somebody or you know I'm always here at event where people are talking with people I have training in in in bit laughs so so yeah I've done all stuff just to to you know to heal and to to move on move on in my grieving process I'm never gonna really move on but you know each day is is a different day and a different you know life unfortunately still goes on sometimes you know after after that so you just have to learn how to walk through it so that was just go back to normal no it's we call it the new normal so you have to find your new normal in your life path know so and you can either go down the wrong way or choose to be positive and go with the right way so it's really it never been different so I'm gonna just chose to get our story out there and help my self heal through that process

Channel: Kari the Mortician

Views: 164,080

Keywords: funeral director, funeral, parent loss, mortuary, funeral home, kari the mortician, infant death, trisomy 18, mortician, babies

Id: p8ijHFgcdSY

Length: 33min 21sec (2001 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 06 2017