FULL MOVIE | Punchline (1988) | Throw Back TV

[Music] for [Music] [Music] you Lia Arnold what's the password Romeo sent me he must like you did he say that he sent you to me he knows I'm desperate you came to the right man so how do we do it you have money I didn't know how much is 500 jesz they 20 bucks a pop I can sell you a package of 25 this is prime stuff guaranteed fresh could I see them no free samples look this is my cookie jar money I've got to see what I'm buying never let it be said what does a Polish Girl get that's long and hard when she gets married where's the punch line that's what you pay me for speaking of marriage I'm married to a Polish man I I don't know if you know polish men but he gave me something long and hard when we got married you know what yeah a last name oh you heard that one huh I hate Wilma Flintstone I want to talk about it I think she's a I'm from right here in New York from a large family there 10 kids in my family man that's a lot of kids Jack my father had stretch marks there's a bunch of us I know you're all staring at me thinking my God look at this girl she looks so much like Diana Ross I can't get over it I'm going to do an impression of Gandhi's mother sweetheart please just the sandwich my wife bought alligator gloves I said what are you going to do with alligator gloves she put them on I'll tell them I got a skin condition have you tried leech off leech off yes leech off Works naturally with hydrochloric acid just a few drops in each eye you can kiss those leeches goodbye we were making love the other night I felt he was holding back so I said sweetheart we've been married for 15 years when we make love I don't want you to hold back I want you to do whatever you want to do so you know what he did he threw up the thing about being married to a Polish man you think that it would be like being married to anyone else first physical contact I had with the woman came very early in life I saw this girl dancing and I went up and bit her in the chest Slaughter huh mother they're saving the whales they're saving the seals but nobody gives a when they kill a baby poly Esther just to make Hollywood's newest concept for a wax museum comes from an ear doctor who treats the Stars I don't want to argue with you please with the stereo types Chinese people are excellent drivers fine a lot of Jewish people pick up a check fine a lot of Japanese tourists have no photo equipment they have big dicks fine listen you'll like this it works in my history class okay Nathan H who said I only have one life listen I could wait I'm waiting I have all the [Applause] time [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] excuse me I'm Steven Gold Mr Gold how nice of you to drop by sorry I'm late I was up studying all night that's all right certainly seems to be paying off for you doesn't it sir the written portion you got a 98 it's the highest grade in the class I did yes that's quite an accomplishment for a student who's been on academic probation for the last half year thank you I'd call it uh incredible wouldn't you trace the path of digestion goal label everything along the way uh was this on the prep sheet no but for a man who scored 98 on the written test this should be no problem labels please if I could just say a word about labels I think that to truly function in today Society a doctor has to have an understanding of the human being as a whole do you not agree oh I would so I could stand here and I could I could name things I could name the the hard pallet the soft pallet the fair INX the epiglottis the esophagus the stomach the spleen but that doesn't really begin to touch on the fact that the gastrointestinal system which is your specialty Dr wishniak indeed fielded that I I hope to go into is really responsible for keeping the whole human being alive the heart the the lungs everything pales by comparison because man is motivated in everything he does by by hunger popular belief has it that man is motivated by sex Mr Gold let me tell you something you show a starving man man a beautiful woman and a pizza what do you think he's going to choose make it an ugly woman and a pizza name the parts if you can't get 100% you're not the man who took that test and if you send someone else in to take it for you you're out splin flexure of the transverse colon grr mum there form appendix the intestine what part of the intestine the large intestine what part of the large intestine well look I do you know it or not yes of course I do then what is it the poop shoot I call Call It The Poop Shoot because I don't believe in shrouding our organs in a bunch of mysterious names this is why people are afraid of doctors we're washing you out bu please I I've been under something of a Time problem this semester I've been working nights can I be frank with you there are people with real talent and dedication waiting for a spot in the school now one of them is going to have yours because it serves no purpose to let someone like you become a practitioner of medicine what good is it do Mr Gold to allow someone with no talent for it to treat people with life-threatening ailments well it'll cut down on the number of people with life-threatening ailments is everything a joke to you no it's not doctor I'm sorry I'm I'm sorry please I like another chance sorry I I can't fluck out you already have what am I going to do this work you're do at night is it anything you have a talent for [Music] rectum oh but seriously now if the phone does ring and it's for me that means it's my father and he thinks this is the phone number of the dormatory at school so everybody shut up like last week he calls me up and he says son I want you to tell me that you're in the top half of your class are you in the top half of your class I'm in the half of the class that made the top half of the class possible I know that sounds kind of deceptive you see but if anyone has pulled as many strings as my father has you kind of have to break it easy to him that you flp out her hair looks great you think it's going to kill thanks hey Mom hey Percy check it out yeah it's laa time hi Brian I love your here my husband's going to kill me he hasn't seen it yet dump the it's very mango it's very Zulu it's very Lucy I talked to my manager and he said that you should send him a tape everybody starting out needs a tape and he says that the networks they love Housewives they're into Housewives everybody loves Housewives that's why Jesus loved Mary it's a true story who's got a cigarette who's got a tape laa my friend Sammy will make you wi for $100 who's got a $100 you need a tape trust me you need a tape need a tape she needs a tape all right I need a tape could someone please do me a big favor and trade places with me tonight I haven't been home all day my husband's really pissed off not me not I why not Lyla tonight's first come first sered night right and you walked in right after that Mr ball he gets the audience into a fractured frenzy bloodthirsty State and and I can't follow that is it me who's up now the very genuine the very wonderful the very stage hoggy Steven go who's up next vious sister St M oh Brian wouldn't you please do me this favor and trade with me I'll make it up to you beg me please all right thanks tell her to send me down a drink thanks uh make it a scotch and sodos why sister I'm no New Yorker I I didn't know about the city so I had to learn so I I wanted to take one of these tours got on this tour bus remember this guy Tommy and Tommy didn't know about New York City Tommy chin was making it up as he went along okay this right here this Columbus Circle this called Columbus Circle because when Columbus came here he looked all around you know how Subway get its name Subway originally were tunnels still with water people travel Uptown downtown on big long submarine for 3 400 people but they were very slow hi how you doing I'm me I'm lla I know I saw your standup last week is that the week I got to laugh how long you been doing it 13 weeks and 3 days but who's counting it takes time Eve pick it up that over Das into park it named after a cousin to very famous Korean Thomson Park who had another cousin named Prospect but he lived in Brooklyn how long before you get like that Steven I'm afraid he was born that way you know him oh yeah and they were from har that well free saely needed a place to stay we don't want to see Harem we don't want to see poor people in Harem not a good experience huh want to see ice skers in rockella Plaza L I can't really blame them nobody wants to see unhappy places nobody wants to see sad places people want to see beautiful places people want to see a beautiful world and I show it to them even if I have to fake it I'm not just a tour guide I'm a tour stylist thank you thank you very [Music] [Applause] [Music] much Steven Gold ladies and Gentlemen The Comedy of Steven Gold how about that huh a very lovely guy a sick guy but a very lovely guy you know you're at the gas station right hi I'm lla I'm a really big big fan of yours I watch you all the time maybe you could watch me sometime and get me some pointers sure here right now I have to go clean my fish tank I'm going to keep bringing them up here whether you like it or not are you ready for it all right let me hear it okay now the next uh the next lady is not very funny but uh she does have chronic uh yeast infection and she has a Polish husband so I don't know which is worse so let's be nice to her come on let's give her a nice big gas station welcome come on ladies and gentlemen Miss Lyla kitzing come on lla come on up here show them what you [Applause] got Lyla grit ladies and gentlemen get her a ladder how's that this is the first time anybody's asked me to make it small thank you Romeo it's true my husband is Polish which I personally don't think is very funny but if any of you think it's funny I'd like to tell you that to him the term simultaneous orgasm means it could happen in the same room I don't understand kids in the history classes they love it they think it's funny well it is funny it is funny Jerry but the audience goes after you because you let him and if they do that you got to fight back if if a guy heck you Heckle him right back you know use that old joke about his wife excuse me sir but is that your wife do you have any naked pictures of her would you like to buy some how about naked videos how about 8 mm pornographic Loops how about naked pictures of her with me with farm animals with ex-cons from New Jersey it's an old joke but it shuts him up and the audience gets to laugh huh attack Jerry why would he have naked pictures of his wife forget everything I just said just forget everything I just said hey stepen yo can I talk to to you we'll step into my office see you later a good sh I will kill him I know you'll what do you want what are you taking a bath making a pit stop been sleeping on a couch lately so hey you could have used my office do you need some money is that it oh look if this I can't pay you back if that's what this meeting is about come on we're friends we're like a family here certainly not going to ask for money back when you're in a tight spot well you're a prince no but I take care of my people you are a s yeah like I took care of Robin green you are God hey two years I took him through hard times I did and what Happened One Night a town Scout Walks In Goodbye Romeo not a thank you not even a postcard not a 10% commission this is not about money you hurt my feelings it is about money you pack this place up Rome and you pay us $15 a set and then you get discovered and what happens to me I'm still here where you rake it in while we're selling our blood to the Red Cross don't tell us about any big favors you do hey I could have turned this place into a garage why the hell didn't you I'll tell you why because God help me I love Comics oh Jesus cut to the chase cut to the chase cut to the chase you want to be my agent you want 10% of the $15 you pay me the $12 I get for selling my blood you know I'm a very rich man I've been selling off my whole body usually you have to wait till you die well they're making a special case for me I got $6 for a lung I got $25 for a pound of my liver I've been selling my sperm to a fertility clinic you know that yeah yeah the SP bank has a night deposit slot I'm making a fortune I'm just getting tired of sticking my dick down that cold metal machine and you're laugh write it down I have written it down Sten I want you to remember me that's all who's mine Yuri she provides talent for all the major networks she Scouts Val Letterman she's Scouts for Carson she saw your first show she wants to see you again is this for real she's upstairs right this minute waiting for you what should I do I'll do the uh I'll do the subway stuff I'll do the medical stuff medical do the medical stuff your F well we're TR impressor aren't we some money your I feel you do a lot of interesting things in medical school you play a lot of really fascinating games there's name that organ um it's small it's shaped like a swimming pool I'm going to guess kidney am I am I right course you do have to go to medical school for really long time you mean you don't know his name we've had the same pediatrician for 8 years how could you not know his name L I have to call my manager Canal anything how H call who got thrown out of school is she up can I talk to her would you put her on please listen there's a talent coordinator here and I want to find out who it is Heidi Heidi honey tell me what's the matter very important class in medical school when did it start Advanced bedside Manor this class teaches you how not to do a shutter take when you know your patient is going to die well let's see we just got these x-rays back from the lab let's take [Applause] [Music] [Applause] a texi roll down the window I'm going to the garage how far you going just a couple of blocks down the street all right get in come on I lied I'm going to Jersey and I've got your name and your identification number Mr Gonzalez you better take me where I want to go or your job goes right in the crafer oh ladies I say my prayers each night to make my soul a little cleaner then I get up in the morning try to catch me I NOA I'm the Envy of everyone especially the cathol Eat Your Heart Out n Carter cuz I'm married to the fellow who's on the crucifix M but I figured this is the perfect way to get back of this tight ass she'll come in she'll see this amput ated member from the male cadabra stuck up between the legs of the female K so I do it I don't care she comes in the next day looks at it as well I see one of you gentlemen left in a hurry last night I'm I'm dead I'm gone I'm laughing to me this is the highlight of my semester you really did go to medical school oh yeah yeah yeah in fact my father thinks I'm still there well how can that be well he lives in Chicago and I live here my ex- roommates covered for me if my father calls they leave me a message on my Sur so it all works out how long has this been going up all year the full year I figure I can hold out till spring what happens then I don't know I was kind of hoping that something would come along and replace it you know like well gee Dad I'm not going to be a heart surgeon like you are my brother after all but I am going to be a star yeah you are going to be a star oh you think so absolutely then you're in a position to know about such things it's what they pay me for yeah so what are you going to do send someone on down here to see you who can't say okay when I think it's better if I don't tell it's that much of a mystery is it isn't life more fun that way oh lady I've been coming down here for 18 months 18 months and I have not missed a night I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink and I buy groceries now I owe my shrink and I'm behind in my rent my roommate's a bastard he's changed the locks at my front door I can't get in he won't give me a key until I pay him you want to play games I can play games I can play games I can play vilic whis with my underwear I can play darts while maintaining an a I can gargle dish water and fart O Canada at the same time I can play the piano without being popular I once had this dream I was dancing on a street corner with a jackhammer up my ass now that's either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet if any of this is turning you on just let me know is this a joke if you're sending someone down you better send them fast cuz funny Steve is going under here's hoping your tomorrow is Grand it's been great to entertain you for a while in your book of memories keep the name Billy Lane remember this night and [Music] smile I love you ladies and gentlemen but the love of my life is the lady named comedy [Music] this is a really good one Mom it's really funny KN mom mom could you help me just a second who's the most popular actor in The Bible I can't believe Mom it's the one day I needed to be there on time well just tell your mother over SLA do you want to hear it Mom you didn't come to bed last night no I sat up with Heidi did Jenny even get home after midnight forget the eggs honey I don't have time who's most popular actor in The Bible where's the coffee no water in the kitchen why is there no water in the kitchen it's on in the bathroom no big deal yes Mom take a gift you intend to cook with bath water tonight don't you forget we're having people over for dinner morning Mom what you do to your hair you forgot about tonight e mom you but my hair think it's a grown up I told you about this two weeks ago Walter Roby the church account or has my business become completely unimportant to you was that tonight something wrong with tonight I meaning it's Su ton eting home tonight it's Friday night we're going to a movie I said you're staying home tonight someone coming over tonight give me the brush I'll do all right all right I want you to do it anyway you do it much better since Heidi is feeling better I just thought that uh you weren planning on going out again tonight no no no it it was this afternoon there's this guy who does these video tapes talking about tonight I'm talking about cooking stop arguing C from Su I want you home from school young lady you hear me cut it out you do not live su's house this is going to be every day now Lyla and every night now when you first asked to do this was to get it out of your sister but now look what the hell's happening three nights last week how many this week how many next stop it what do you want a wife for dinner what do you want for dinner forgot my gym shorts no favors okay I can take my clients out to Jumbo Jack or we can boil bags of stofers together I'm getting real good at that you know jumbo Jackson stoer suck attach he is and maybe after dinner I can go down to that hole and watch my wife make a foul mouth jackass of herself oh you've never even seen me whose fault is that you said you understood about that well I don't well I I couldn't I couldn't be the way I need to be if you were there which is what different from what from what I am right here what the hell is wrong with what you are right here who took my gym short there in car's drawer what are they doing in car's drawer car I'll put them there these people I've invited they want to meet my family that's the way church people are if they like your family then they like to do business with you they have 17 churches I could ensure and Jerry and I need the business now bunny does this for Jerry she cooks for clients what time 6:30 I'll be here thank you you're welcome car I need lunch money uh I need money too my Callet it's a where is it I've got 20 bucks I need 50 till I get to the bank I have a [Music] dollar lla it was my money I saved it where is it lla I spent it on what something I needed $500 what did you buy jokes just like living with a godam damn chunky family and crisis see you later is they good not very we were going to go away with it money you said you were saving it so the two of us could get away I've got one Mom you can have it for free I'm sorry it's not that I don't want you to be happy lla I just don't know what the hell to do Bye Mom the answer is Samson what he's the most popular actor in The Bible know why no sweetheart I don't know why cuz you brought the house down guess it's not grown up enough look granny don't be a prick all right the lady's crazy about me she's bringing the main guy down to see me tonight so screw screw the back rent man I'm going to be rich I'm going to get discovered tonight yeah no I can't I don't what all right okay I'm doing a nunar in Queen say I can give you $100 but that's it I can't give you $600 where the am I going to get $600 so sell a stereo I don't care look if you're going to lock me out of my own house just do me a favor we feed the birds that are outside the window for me give us some of your food that's what I did ready don't oh you an Stay Stay you know some guy named Arnold yeah jokes yes yes why I'm looking for him you want to buy some jokes sell some oh you've gotten that good have you back sell some back oh they didn't work no not for me they didn't well a joke's a joke babe you just bought from the wrong guy hey Pedro give me something awful are you having lunch sure spaghetti special sounds awful enough for me one for the lady do you re recognize me of course why I don't know you aren't usually this nice well I'll tell you a secret about me I get jealous when I see somebody who's got it up on stage I I can't help it me yeah you with 5 minutes of the right material you'd be unfuckingbelievable you got that thing people love you on stage you know that you mean it all you need is the write gags so you know I I try to R my own jokes what are we here for but to help each other out huh you'd be willing to do this for me sure yes yeah where are you from Jersey Jersey yeah I'm from Jersey okay do you have any kids or anything yeah I've got three kids three kids great my feeling is that um what did this Arnold guy charge you for $500 okay all right this is this is the right ball part now Jersey three kids there look I couldn't pay you right away I mean I could pay you I could pay you I just couldn't pay you right away how long do spaghetti take if I could find Arnold I I could pay you right away well forget it it's all right look I I spent my vacation money my husband's in mine well you got your priorities then don't you so spend your money on your vacation and don't worry about jokes I mean it's not that important to you it's very important to me what do you need it for what do you need it for ask my shrink Jee you didn't mean it did you yes I did that I've got something that I would sell you jokes do you want to buy some enough from you you piece of crap how do you get off treating people like this all the time huh you know I don't see your name up in lights over there so what if you're funny if that's all you are so what Jesus no wonder you're there every night you know what you've got nothing else to do that's it hey Pedro hold the spaghetti bring this lady to that testicle salad that ballbuster special you know the one with a fork if they're yours I'll need a pair of tweezers H I thought you'd like that everything's a great big joke to you BL nothing is a joke to me that's why I do standup comedy and that's why you don't yours is a150 what hey he what did you mean oh lady please no you said nothing was a joke to you now what do you mean by that I have to be somewhere and I'm running late so you'll you don't like women is that it I see you you help Mr ball Mr Ball's got guts and I don't youve got G not guts you stand up you tell dirty jokes what does that have to do with you are you a sex po give me a break you're a jersey housewife with snot no kids a car that won't start you tell me about that that's what takes guts and that's what you don't have am I making myself clear I got laughs fine then take them and go home I want to learn lady it takes every night six clubs a night all night it takes working stag parties and El's Club Banquets where you open for a aian player that well how about right now I'm going off to Queens you want to come learn something you can learn serious yes I'm you uh uh I guess not I'm cooking for a dinner party ladies and gentlemen I rest my [Music] case what if it isn't funny tell me to talk about my life but what if my life isn't funny all of our lives are funny babe we're God's animated cartoons what about your husband there's got to be some laughs there not mine I bet there is what does he do sells Insurance you win how about your kids three girls okay all right all right uh big little what nurser School babysitters maybe oh my God they're going to need one if I'm not home by 4 all right that's funny go there's nothing funny in that nothing the maid will leave and then the two little ones will be there all by themselves have to think the comedy who's the babysitter just this kid that lives down the street I don't even think I brought his number I don't know it's just nice what's the babysitter's name Charlie Manson all right that's funny that's funny you just wrote a joke yes yes Charlie maned the babysitter yes that's funny keep going with it go go go uh go go honey uh he's put x's on their foreheads again ah uh if we if if he's busy then we use this other nice boy the uh Davey burkowitz he's so good with [Laughter] dogs's who's Davey bur with Davey bur Son of Sam you know Davey burtz he talks to dogs Manson is funny burs is not Oh I thought that was s funny Manson is funny burer what's his another game is uh another game is double up on the medication this is you take the pill and you put it on your tongue and when they come around to check up on you you insist it wasn't in the company it wasn't in the cup I there was no pill there you give me my medication I'm sick you see of course those of you who are taking suppositories you might want to pass on that whole thing what what do you have a question your hand has been up as long as I've been here I'm sorry this is probably like a very debilitating illness what what is your occupation sir I'm a doorman you're a doorman so like like you hail you hail taxi that's what I do yes this is like a good training device then that will you're fine you should get out of this hospital this must be painful having this IV hooked up on no no no not at all really no no paint at all no that's not mine that's it oh son of me see this thing oh good God it is well what do we got here let's see you're getting your lunch today we have some strawberry jello that's nice uh oh is that pasta salad dextrose that's what's your main course today oh liver and onions boy even in the bloodstream that's some pretty nasty stuff here's a nurse I'm just guessing a sponge bath from this woman would really be paradise oh look a doctor here folks son of a gun a Jewish doctor something you don't see very often in New York City Hospital you are you are a doctor sir yes I'm a doctor and uh what is your field of speciality this is my first year I I don't know yet could I recommend a career in welding perhaps just just a suggestion oh you like that you like you like that one what is your name sir [Laughter] Sam you're a happy guy Sam what are they pumping into your nostrils here what is this what is this concoction you're turning blue Sam why is that you're turning blue what's oh good God I'm standing on his arrows I'm sorry oh you're running out of air and so am I folks you have been a great audience really you've been you've been a good audience you've been um you've been a sick audience but thank you very much everybody get get well get well everybody you were really good thank you it's very nice of you serious you are terrific oh thank you it's very nice of you thank you about that's good [Music] taxi oh God taxi taxi taxi wait [Music] wait okay stop right here [Music] H [Music] hello I'm home I'm home don't come near me I'm home mom what are you doing where are you going what's the matter I love you I love you stay out of my way where's Jenny at the movies that's the movies at the movies all right that's it she's grounded if I ever see her again she's grounded I want the two of you to go and put your nice dresses on all right right what are you doing go put your nice dresses on go on now put them on oh my God help me she oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God I can't find my ts oh my God come on come on let's go are running come on help me you two are just going to have to help each other oh Jesus oh Jesus oh [Music] Jesus out of my way out of my way out of my way out of my way [Music] [Music] Heidi go along heads up oh Red Basket Pantry Pantry Carrie yeah no Carrie come here help me Carrie take the big platter there you are somebody man the [Music] peas [Music] oh Heidi the PE the carry NE get one on each place here we go Heidi break the bread carry light a match Center Center light that match all [Music] right living room living room living room carry get your things off the planter what should I do with this get rid of here get rid of it what happened to the fish tank say that again the water went down I told you not to say [Music] that get lla Yes dear uh my family how heing the black goldfish is [Music] missing yes yes I'm still holding well why don't you just put me through to her I don't what restaurant well she told me herself that she was bringing a gentleman down to the club to see me the club the gas station all right would you uh would you give her that message and uh have her please call me down here the gas station thank you phone is free [Music] are you born in New Jersey Reverend y yes no so was I so was I we we both were together well we were born together care for some more wine yes I got a new joke mom you do baby I think it's grown up enough I'm sure it is sweetheart she loves to tell jokes Coral told it to me did she dear tell it Heidi what did one say to the other so bety w says I have 13 stars would you listen to this this is funny like do you have any idea of where she is tonight by is this your service do you happen to know did she have plans on coming down to the gas station tonight who you got coming an agent okay no never just tell her that Steven Gold called and that I'm still expecting her and the gentleman at the club thank you Stephen if you have a talent scout coming you're supposed to tell I don't have a talent scout coming really who tried to call did somebody try to call me that's what I heard hey hey hey did I have a call yeah well why didn't you tell me I couldn't find him well who was it what did you say I don't know he wanted to know what what night you perform here and what time you go on so it is a talent scout okay all right now he's coming down what did you tell him I told him you're here every night and if he wants to know what time to call back he said he was going to call back he said thank you but he said he's coming I don't know why don't you write these things down hey why don't you take a hike who is it just tell me who it is and I'll watch for him you give me a second listen if you listen it's going to be real funny okay now George Washington gets off his White Horse and says Washington sucks you sir do you have any naked pictures of your [Music] wife only kidding kidding no more than anyone else who has a family uhhuh what do you mean by that mean by that what is it that you want just a family I could be proud of a family you could be proud of uh-huh like who and don't tell me Bunny and Jerry Bunny and Jerry Bunny and Jerry why do you have to use language like that don't use language like that now what do your daughters talk like toilets talk like toilets joh come on L you know what I'm talking about what do you want just be a mother I am a mother not by my definition well I am stand by my definition a mother is someone who stays with her children at night unless she works unless she gets paid to work unless she's lucky enough to get paid unless she's good enough to get paid I am good enough no you're not lla you're not funny you say that to me one more time and I'm going to leave this house you can't stand the truth all right I'm out of here I didn't say it I'm out of here all right I will say it the woman Liv in this house is not funny that woman there in the dark is not funny I'm out of here no one laugh at that woman I'm out of here that woman is not [Music] funny yeah Sten I broke your deal sorry I'll have to pay for it what's the matter with you nothing there are some people upstairs asking for you they want to know what time you go on they look like heavyweights who are they she came through for me who came who came through oh who are they thr me other network people Network people you got to give me another 20 minute second tonight give me another 20 minutes set tonight all right I want to listen I want you to calm down have a nice talk with later later l oh leave me alone for a minute that's the whole point you don't have to be alone you know even a prize fighter has someone in his Corner come on now I know these people use me I mean I can handle them Let Me Entertain them after the show tonight they're only going to come in here once right let me help you make tonight count okay okay I said okay we're talking agent now you're my agent permanent agent whatever you want we're talking about getting it in writing we'll get it in writing just when can I go on how about now father easy relax relax St don't bother me all right don't bother him don't bother him how's the house very good hot good crowd good crowd Sensational crowd just relax you ready you going to point him out to me yes I'll Point him out he's down in front now a deep breath right take some he's almost finished I can see he's almost finished up a sporting good store and you wanted dust and I said yeah where are they third table left gray hair kill him all right anyway you guys have been a nice audience somebody wants to come up here please see my new movie It's called goober the Forgotten p Romeo Romeo Albert in barado ladies and gentlemen Albert in [Applause] ver listen i' I'd like to like to settle down and get serious for a moment because I want to introduce you to someone that I have had the privilege of nurturing along on the road to stardom you know I've been in this business a long time and uh I've seen Comics come and go and sometimes you see somebody goes right to the top and you know they're going to stay there this young gentleman is uh not unlike that I've had on the stage month after month because I knew one day his star was going to shine there's very little else I can say about him except that he's like a son to me mar let's have a nice warm welcome for Steven Gold The Comedy of Steven go ladies and gentlemen come on up here Stephen come on Sten he wants to be Co he wants to be Co come on let me Happ come on up come on he's a little shy let's give him a big hand come on St go boy [Music] [Applause] Ste evening uh my my name is uh well you know who I am so wow um anyone here from uh well don't you hate it when when when Comics do that that means they don't know what else to say anyone from out of town here you go okay yeah yeah great but you sir where where you from Green Bay Wisconsin there's nothing funny about that I I what are you doing uh while you're here in town you having fun until now that's that's fine this guy's all right is that your wife with you sir my daughter that's not going to work I I was going to ask if you had any naked pictures of her but that won't work now with no it's not going to work no that won't work I uh I have some people in the audience I'm not going to K around with you people this is a this is a heavy night this is a real heavy night I thought I was going to get discovered tonight and that is exactly what happened I did that's a private joke private joke and I'm a comedian so I'll go I'll go public uh with these with the jokes um my father is a doctor when I was a student uh I was a really bad student but that didn't stop my dad doctor pulling a lot of strings to get me into into medine School even though it didn't seem to matter to anybody that I couldn't even stand the side of blood as a matter of fact I once got yelled at pretty bad because during a fishing trip I wouldn't take a hook and put it through a minnow because I didn't want to give it cerebral contusions I didn't want to give it Optical pop itude you you know what Optical pop itude is it's a bulging eyeball so there's something funny in here I'm going to I'm going to find something funny in here so I don't really know it's fun anymore so if you people could help me out just laugh anytime that you feel anything funny just [Music] feel let me uh tell you about medical school you can't make the mistake of letting them know that you're squeamish about some things cuz man they they smell it on you they smell it on you in medical school I once made the mistake of telling this female lab partner of M that that I I couldn't stand to see things suffer like little frogs that would have to [Music] dissect and and she took this this this this thing it's called a probe it's like this prong thing and she plucked out this Frog's eye she flicked it at me and it stuck on my neck I think that's pretty funny [Music] my uh see my dad is Big macho guy and he shoots deer and like that and I'm this kid who can't stand the sight of blood you know my you know they used to have deer in Chicago until my brother and father gunned them all down they killed them all these are the guys who killed Bambi's mom wait a minute I didn't tell you about the dead cat I haven't told you about the dead cat my roommates they would put this dead cat in my bed all the time nobody help me Christ come here come [Music] here it out baby leave me alone all right let just go go home just leave the alone you're all right you're all right so my brother would be down in the library studying and I would be upstairs in the Attic covering myself in tin foil from head to toe making up these uh these superheroes of my own you know tin foil man shingle kid you know tough to uh to make my friends laugh but at home I was no I was never funny I used to make everybody laugh even my husband God we used to laugh so what what happened I don't know the kids are his job me I don't know so why don't you leave them I've got carpool in the morning he sounds like a prick look he works all day and then he comes home and takes care of the kids all night he sounds like a saint he's not wrong I don't know maybe I should quit I don't know what quit stand up no you can't do that why not cuz you're funny I mean you don't know how to get to it yet you figure that out but you're funny look don't kid me about this all right I'll say anything to a woman and not mean it I'll say I love her I'll say she's beautiful I'll say she's sexy I don't mess around with funny oh yeah this is great oh yeah this is really great you know what wonderful just wonderful look I'm a married woman so I'm 10 years older than you were I gotta go so wait lla look come on be Italian what does that mean I was hoping you would know look I got to go right I really got to go look you're in trouble already so hang out with me tonight I'll teach you something about being funny yes you you just want talk to the crowd can you pull over here please thank you jokes I can't get you talk to the crowd you talk to the crowd you talk to them they talk to you that how youel material St listen come on come on you're going to learn now come on I just simply can't do it it's just something come on right God don't have to yell at me Stephen I have nothing to say yes you do the subway what Subway the subway I don't remember the subway I don't even remember what a Subway looks like right St uh I'm l and I I don't know what I'm doing I'm I'm not allowed to use my jokes tonight so um so I'll tell you um I'm a housewife I'll admit to that and um I have three kids and um I I live in New Jersey so you see I'll admit to anything where are your kids what where are your kids home who's looking after them my husband what if your husband's not available do you have a babysitter Charles Manson and then if he's busy you use that other nice boy down the street that Davey burwitz he's so good with the dog all right it's not funny okay so shoot me all right I'm just going to grab all right is uh this man over here is laughing what is your name sir Bob Bob and uh what do you do I'm a marketing consultant marketing consultant you're a marketing consultant Bob could I consult with you for one minute whenever I get a cart why is it that one wheel always go like this and pulls to the right right into the canned goods I mean I've wondered about it haven't you this lady's laughing here you you you you have you have a problem with produce don't you I think you must you you have your hand in that gentleman's lap I [Applause] [Music] [Applause] think so tonight it's going to be career night because everybody's life is funny trust me on this we are all God's Little animated cartoons this gentleman right here sir uh what's your name Murray Murray trust me on this when your life is funny Murray what do you do for a living I'm an insurance salesman you're an insurance salesman uh did you ever did you ever want to be anything else come on think back think back with me you're four you're three you're two you're a small child you're dressing up it's Halloween you know all the other boys they're firemen they're they're policeman they're Zoro they're Batman and cute little Murray whose mother adors him is a an insurance salesman right an insurance salesman muray this can't be to what you dressed up in a polyester suit you handed out cards with your name on it oh oh this is this is a this a bachelorette party so could I see what you've got here come on you must have an appliance or two it's a shower for goodness sake you see this is what I was asking for I'm not so oldfashioned you have appliances in today's age you get uh I hope this is for a sore shoulder look you better take this right away honestly holy moly that's very that's a very fright I mean that's a high voltage item Buffy I mean I don't want to be intimate with anything that has a 90day warranty [Music] which one's your house it's just up ahead I think I should walk you sure you're going to be all right doesn't beat you up or anything like that does it is almost morning I'll slip into bed with one of the kids you'll think I've been there all night what then I don't know you run away with me thank you for tonight I'll never ever forget it you were you were brilliant because of you hold that thought okay okay I got to go I want to say don't you don't know what I'm going to say just say good [Music] [Music] night you should let me say [Music] it [Music] Hey Stephen what you doing here well they won't put my calls through to your office but I figured you had to have lunch so oh i' love to but I'm swamp trying to line this thing up you know I was waiting for you down at the club but you never came down well I called you didn't get my message I don't believe it you don't know no one called you this morning I'm locked out of my apartment I I don't what listen to this I'm having dinner last night with this guy major major Network executive top brass telling him how incredible you are insisting he' come down to see you and the whole idea just explodes into something absolutely spectacular are you ready yeah two weeks from today we're coming down with our cameras to shoot a 1 hour special the pilot for a weekly series called open audition the winner each week gets a guest spot on Johnny Carson what do you think brilliant well I think it's not what you promised me I promise you'd be seen this is no aimless audition the winner gets a shot at Johnny Carson no no one's coming down to see me anymore of course they'll see you you're the best one there in your opinion in my opinion it's worth something well it's certainly worth a lot more than your word Stephen for your information the owner of your Club sent me a list of submissions the name Steven Gold wasn't on it he said you were emotionally unstable I had to exert pressure just to keep you in this thing don't give me heat about my word uh who else else exactly is on this list why cuz there's someone good you might have forgotten are you nice aren you nice hello everybody and welcome to America's favorite noon time show in syndication it's the lesbian lunchbox you know so many lesbians come down to see the show I thought we just go to the audience and talk to some lesbians that are here tonight it's not a good idea doesn't sound like a wonderful idea to talk to some lesbians here in the audience hi you lesbians no he thinks the lesbian does protest too much I'm just you hello yeah this is the phone company is Mrs crit in it's important Mom hello L it's me Stephen yeah I'm down at the club what's going on are you coming down look you shouldn't have called me here didn't you get my message yeah I I did what does that mean exactly you can't come down to the club for a while look I really can't talk well wait a minute what about the contest here you're on the list what contest at the club where the winner gets a shot on the Carson Show and I'm on the list yeah yeah I got you on it when is it week from Wednesday oh God I can't do it why not look Stephen I'm kind of in a holding pattern here my husband wants me to quit Jesus Christ Lyla how long you going to put up with this hor huh Stephen it's really not that simple it is that that simple you're with the wrong guy he doesn't deserve you and you know it I'm not afraid to come up there and tell that to his face you know you should be with me I'm not afraid to tell him that either no no no uh the the phone is working just fine look Lyla you get your ass over here in the taxi cab right away all right it's a a little late for that who is it it's the phone company okay all right then how tomorrow then you meet me at the coffee shop at 6:00 um no I couldn't make that appointment I'm getting my hair done tomorrow I love your hair who's WR the phone I know you all right listen you come down and you meet me or I'm going to come up there and I'm going to tell your husband that I'm crazy in love with you and and that you're in love with me Wednesday what what time 6:00 um don't get hustled into appointment if there's nothing wrong with the phone K mea 6:00 um no give me no no lla lla I can't talk right now so that's what this has been about no it's just a friend man a comic oh see he believes in me he thinks I'm funny someday lla and it may be too late you're going to remember that the people in this house loved you whether you were funny or not it's 7:30 you happy I'm home [Music] [Music] if you can't make money who selling your services what are you going to sell your body you're going to go down to hospital and get an immediate appr Praise of your own selfworth 450 for your liver for your liver 450 two pounds of blood yes I'll take it off your hands and I'll take off your hands for your eyes ense no noses today no noses come back Tuesday if you're not going to sell your body what are you going to sell your dreams go to have to one of these dream clinics you imagine that selling your dreams all right so what do you want you know I'm a hair designer I can give you anything glamour Punk look at these roots look at look at that you want to go back to your natural color I just want to change what a whole new look whole new thing different I want I want to I want to change okay okay great all right I got a great idea you're going to love [Music] this well the stuff looks ready where is she said she'd be home by 5:30 well it's almost 6 she's getting her hair done how long does that take you better take the roast out what do I do well you open the oven and take it out don't get smart with me Sor stop eating those just SPO your appetite lla lla laa I didn't mean to do it I just wanted to change I didn't mean to take it easy don't cry take it easy come on now come on honey come on come here come here come here's sit down now sit down calm down purp sit down sit down it's not that bad it's not I look like Buck come on just not used to we just have to get used to it just got to get used to it okay okay okay okay I tell you what we're going to see what we got here let me take a look at it okay take a look okay okay okay I think it's wonderful you do no question you look like a movie star you're not just saying that no you look like Miss America you're the prettiest mother of any kid at my school looks better than it ever looked before the mothers at my school are pigs compared to you they are they're aers compared to you you've got the prettiest hair of anyone in the [Music] worlde [Music] [Music] yo Lyla Sten how's it going tough going I like your outfit oh thank you it's uh my Italian look married woman single man scandalous Affair what happened to your head oh it's terrible isn't it no no no did they drill holes in it for bowling thank you stepen I knew I could count on you always uh coffee dry out uh Pedro those cafes I didn't get you in trouble tonight by calling you at the house no it's not your fault what's the deal he he doesn't let you have any friends he doesn't let you do standup I'm surprised he let you out the house he thinks I'm at a PTA meeting so why don't you leave him you could do that you know people do it all the time especially now that he knows that there's a there's another man you pack up those kids and split Steven I've only got a couple of minutes could we talk serious okay you know why six is afraid of seven what you want to talk about something serious this is serious you know why six is afraid of seven no cuz 7 89 it's a kids joke see I do I do kids parties and kids love me once they get to know me and I think that your kids will love me once they get to know me I'm sure Stephen you know Mr Carrot and Mr lettuce had a terrible auto accident know what the doctor said when they took him to the hospital they'd be vegetables the rest of their life you knew it no I didn't you know I had a girlfriend she was so skinny you know how skinny she was uh when she drank tomato juice she looked like a thermometer that's right you know how ugly she was tell me how ug she was tell me how ugly she how ugly was she how ugly was she when she walked into a room all the mice jumped on chairs now do you see do you see how great we would be together I mean married or something that's right I that's what I said I said married stepen I love my husband yeah well if we're going to be married you'll have to get over that I know you don't believe him but he loves me too he does sometimes I think he deserves a medal Stephen you just took it too far we were friend we are friends we are it's not like we're not going to see each other we are going to see each other you going to give up standup comedy I don't know well that's where I am babe see I'm Mr comedy and if you kiss it off then you're kissing me off too so don't tell me we're going to see each other again they're my family they need me what if I told you that I was going to die without you not that I am mind you but what if what if I told you I was that that I woke up this morning thinking that you were all I had to keep me going you have comedy to keep you going yeah what do you want from me nothing me nothing nothing just go back to New Jersey and clean house and tell jokes into a vacuum cleaner handle and when your husband comes home pin a metal on pin a deep you think that's what I want no nothing I don't know what you want in the words of our own Billy Lane the love of my life is a lady named comedy and in the words of Henry Kissinger a man should never be separated from his luggage now this is neither here or there but it's right in the middle right with phalus joins the basil ganglia which is right there and if you haven't heard basil ganglia you haven't heard Shakespeare performed the way it ought to be the basil ganglia where something passing through the size of just a peanut silence Darkness like a comet like a ship low passing into the night this scares me stop it don't be scared because I'm funny Steve with a lampshade on his head who is singing and dancing For Your Entertainment his own rendition of Singing in the [Music] Rain [Music] [Music] [Music] e [Music] for [Music] [Music] [Music] girl anybody come close I want to talk to you please like B come up there yeah get somebody to give your a head come on whoa whoa whoa whoa there are going to be five judges five judges I want them seated at table s eveeve you take care of them everything's on the cuff everything's on a house Robin green is coming and he's going to be one of the judges big deal no way no no no way okay to park well you can't park here okay thank you what's that I'm one of the comics don't tell him to get out of here he's on the show all right well listen back it up he's going to win great pull her out back there pocket people show don't stop for 2 hours please get out of here whoa whoa whoa whoa that's electric that came Rico you're seven patol viak you're eight Lyla you're nine where's lla doesn't she know there's a contest where's Steven where's ball didn't I tell everybody to be here by 6 o00 will you tell me when they get here please Romeo why I got to go first man somebody's got to go first why should you I don't want to go after B hey what is this a mute me I didn't get a number Billy what are you doing here a contest Billy didn't you I had a list I mean didn't you read the list Billy I'm terribly sorry I mean I only got 10 spots it's it's it's it's a network television audition it's for comics of the future come on I need you I need you in the audience I need you for laughter huh come on I need everybody everybody's got to laugh at everybody else's act we're a family right relax and I'll I'll call I'll call you [Music] later an announcement first Elvis has cancelled a please turn your take us at the box office you want to back a little bit girls here come the dogs D's ready dad want you to come down [Music] D me the special dessert where are you going there's a contest at the club tonight I want to be in it but you promised Daddy I promised Daddy I would think about it and I have if you guys would come in I'd like to talk to you about what I've been thinking come on come on there's three things in this world that I love I love being a mom I love being a wife and I love being able to make people laugh I've always been able to make people laugh even when I was a little girl it's always made me feel good it still makes me feel good the thing is when you do it right and and you make people laugh it feels like like you're doing something that no one else could do quite the same you know it makes you feel special I'd be a happy mom if you guys could find something in your lives could make you feel that way you know make you feel special you know what I mean I'd be even happier knowing that the people who loved you were helping you to do that so I want to be a wife I want to be a mom and I want to be a comedian I know people don't always get everything they want out of life but it would feel terrible to not try lla could I see you when I come home I mean do it I'd like to see you do it say yes M okay it's Robin green ladies and Gentlemen let's not get too close to Robin folks Robin's a celebrity he doesn't want to be bothered by scum like us oh look he's got a bodyguard bet anything think his name is vict or Tony how's the bone breaking business Tony nice hair oh it's another limousine everybody that can only mean one thing a celebrity's inciting it let's see who it is it's some guy it's some older gentleman with some beautiful blonde babe hey folks you stop just for a photograph please oh come on come on just for a lively little photograph that you're going to to get off the [Music] street come on in everybody the contest hasn't started you're going to see a great show I had to come up on stage I had to say hello cuz I love you th I love you had for Robin green huh a wonderful Rober green we don't have we don't have time for any more jokes ladies and gentlemen maybe a couple of punchlines ping pong balls I thought you said King Kong's balls you look great ladies and gentlemen Robert Green you know started right on this very stage now I can't get him off come on off off off off than you very much Romeo Romeo very good very good Rob [Applause] Wonder ladies and gentlemen this is a very big night for us here at the gas station because we have a distinguished panel of Judges who are going to select one of our Rising young Comedians and give him an opportunity on a major network television show I'd like to have a hand for our distinguished panel of Judges H H you remember them from nurg huh time to roll is here we go tape is rolling tape is rolling we are on our go we are on to go okay now okay welcome to contest night at the gas [Applause] [Music] [Music] station what do stop stop stop doing I'm so successful oh can't you see I love to hug myself me you know a lot of people think all black men are well hung this ain't the truth you got Brothers out there with three and four inches yeah those are the ones that date white women is this thing on so I was at my girlfriend's house the other day and she was waking up she leans over to me and she says sweet PE want some breakfast I am P by the Japanese Japanese people piss me out yes you know why you know why feel how heavy this is when a guy is mean to us or if he cheats on us we can't tell him you're a bastard well call our girlfriends up right with a syllable hysteria he hurt me so much I can't take she almost finished I don't know I'm on next fantastic prepare for greatness all set thank you you know what I like to do sometimes I like to piss off Iranians I like to piss off Middle Eastern people it's called punk terrorism and what I do right is I go downtown to carpet stores and I walk into the place and I say hi I want carpet but I don't have the square footage and the Iranian guy will say you don't Von you want an and I say no I don't want an these people are like newly born bald eagles you know it's like [Applause] [Music] Don't Mean a [Music] Thing have you seen Mr ball we can't find him up here he's not down here well somebody better find him he's about to miss his [Music] spot let's do marry Mary marry Mary a little trick with Jesus Jesus Jesus po ban po Jesus let's do pop John hello is anybody in there Mr Paul this is a men's room are you all right I can't do it yes you can you're up I'm going to puke take a deep breath they're going to hate me they're going to love you they always hate me you're going to turn it around tonight Mr ball you think so yes I do I think so I feel it I really feel it now come on you have to do it for your students I got to do it for them you got to do it for the history department for the history Department I got to do it you can do it get out there get on that stage and kill I'll try you'll try you'll do it did you notice my wife out there I did I did she's sitting there she looks great she's got a good seat you look wonderful fact you like the suit yes very much it's reversible Billy I love traveling because I when you travel you see a lot of history I went to France uh France you have to know the language when you go there otherwise they don't like you so I bought these tapes where you learn the language while you sleep but there was something wrong with my tape uh halfway through it went into disco music I didn't know this till I got there uh get off the plane somebody goes P Vu France I went wait uh-huh uh-huh I like it I love TR I went to Canada Sten Stephen something's wrong with Billy is there any pressure right here no is there any sensation in in in this arm or numbness in in the left hand no do your stomach queasy do you have a headache or no are you taking any medication none seen any bad TV shows or anything okay is there any pain when you breathe any pain then any pain when I lift your arm up like this I don't have any pain you didn't have to come down here is there someone who can take you home tonight I'm going to stay I want to see who wins it's not a heart attack you got a rock steady pulse I'm fine okay you be all right down here okay just relax take it easy you know it's a great feeling to win I did it once in a contest in Las Vegas was bigger than this I want a shot on the head solivan show ever hear of it he was bigger than Carson bigger any [Applause] day I have to tell this right off folks I I have a drinking problem uh I've been drinking like a fish all night here's my impression of a dentist appointment this won't hurt a bit he's good not good enough to take me oh here put this in your mouth you're up for it oh yeah I'm going out with a bang I got all new stuff how about you I've got some new stuff good get up there and beat me up with it I'll do the best I can thank you I'll do better I know people want now jokes Stephen I'm sorry I I never meant to hurt you well forget about it you're not missing anything I'm a lousy Le yeah so am I see we'd have been perfect for each other all right all [Applause] right on come on next so take it easy you'll be fine now this next oh God I can't remember anything why is six afraid of seven because 789 beautiful go kill married mother that let's have a big for come on come on thanks stepen [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Hi how are you hi hi what's your name uh Mark Mark are you married uh yes yes my wife how how long have you been married uh 6 months 6 months too long too long now listen we shouldn't laugh it's very difficult it honestly is I mean we all know this it you're never on Solid Ground I I I've I've been married to my husband for 15 years sometimes he comes home and I look at him and say who is this man how did he get in my house I've never seen him before in my life life and other times our identities meld you know I itch he scratches I feel better I I mean I don't know where he ends and I begin except in bed when he's usually ending just when I'm beginning you know the thing is before we were married when we used to you know make love he would say to me oh sweetheart God damn you feel so good you're so beautiful I love you so much and now he says move your head I can't see the [Applause] screen before we were married my husband John he he always used to go and he used to go and he used to go and now he just goes truly honestly I think that men have it very very hard today you do not when you need it [Applause] but I mean it's it's hard it's [Music] no you're doing this to me now I come on I mean really it's a difficult situation for men it really is I mean it's like women have gotten to the point where they almost don't need men anymore I mean you know there's like these um mechanical items you know what I mean you know what I mean you use one of these things oh my not for me honestly no offense God bless go to it it scares me it really does it really really frightens me I I don't think that I I want to be intimate with anything that has Panasonic written on [Laughter] it I'm telling you we have nothing to judge from all the way back in history I'm sure the Garden of Eden was a mess I'm sure of it I'm sure that Adam was an insensitive Lover he kept referring to their love making as getting some rib he had no clue what he was doing this man he was completely lost I one of the first things he said to Eve was stand back darling I don't know how big this thing [Applause] gets than thank you you okay yeah she did good huh mhm God you know what I feel so much better I can't thank you enough thank you thank [Applause] you let here for lla CH all right incredible fabulous lla fabulous now this next comedian has been waiting long than you have go kill him Stephen you didn't make it easy I think you can handle it just watch me ladies and gentlemen Steven Gold let's hear it Steven [Applause] Gold than you good evening ladies and gentlemen you oh great great I blew it already good evening ladies and gentlemen now can you you get any more trite or boring than that I don't think so here I am trying to impress these uh judges and I start with the oldest phrase in the history of Showbiz good evening L something completely forgettable what I'm what I'm trying to do is be remembered up here how about these judges huh hail Caesar ha Caesar I am sparus I am Spartacus why do we get why do we get to know our judges personally shall we they are Larry Mo curlyy Joe I'm kidding around seriously Chico Haro zepo all right all right cut it out Fred Wilma Barney will you knock it off I'm funny okay Lassie bji rented hey all right they are some well-dressed guy next to him his homosexual Sven lover a woman some guy who got thrown out of radio is that the lowest and finally of course Robin green Robin green when he appeared right here right here on this very stage right here on this very stage and what he did Robin would be introduced ladies and Gentlemen The Comedy stylings of Robin green comedy stylings what do that mean like he's not a dermatologist he's a skin stylist not a dentist but a tooth stylist not a barber but a Barb stylist a hair stylist well a hair stylist I guess I would be right who wants to be a comedian these days any when I was a kid I wanted to be a superhero I wanted to live in a super Fortress even though some of these superheroes are pretty Jive superpowers like Aquaman Aquaman could breathe underwater and talk to fish these are superpowers a Wonder Woman Wonder Woman flew an invisible jet how did she find it she stumbled around around the runway till she got lucky oh here it is what about the control tower teller we think you have clearance can anybody be a superhero tablean he solves crimes at dinner for four the motorcycle guy his helmet has secret compartments big lady criminals flee who wouldn't New York City Camp drivers required to have chauffeur's licenses now what is the point of this a stop the honking stop the honking I prak for human being so shoot me I can't just run the old lady down okay people next stop Empire State Building you know how to get to Empire State Building practice practice but I don't have any hate for taxi drivers I don't hate anybody the world is far too confusing a place to hate anybody it's like I don't even hate that clown at the bank who tells me I can't cash my check for 10 working days or that jerk at the supermarket or those idiots on the subway what about these Geniuses who broke up the phone company huh or Trend Setters oh I don't hate Trend Setters people who tell us what is hot and what is not don't tell me what to do I don't hate these Trend Setters don't tell me what to do I'm not wearing bell bottoms I not wearing bell bottom again I don't care that the prince of Morocco is wearing Bell btom again I'm know he doesn't have to live here I have to live here I don't hate t or debutant I know I don't hate debutant I don't hate Young Rich white female debutants I don't even care about debutants they spend $1,000 on their hair so what they're debutants they're wearing Priceless Diamond tiar so what they're debutants they have opinions on world hunger who cares they're debutants they're having a coming out party they're coming out of a rollsroyce what does this have to do with Life As We know it I don't hate [Applause] deut I don't hate anybody I'm not a hate Monger more of a hate stylist if you will thank you very much [Music] thank you thank you thank [Applause] you w and theed world of Steven Gold ladies and Gentlemen let's have a head of Steven Gold and I want ahead for the rest of the performance we heard here tonight huh good Stu thanks give me a drink you wonderful you're great very convincing very powerful very shakaz thank St you were great you really think so absolutely just do d t leg all right you guys let's take it downstairs huh come on take it downstairs we're going to wait for about five minutes while this distinguished panel of Judges makes up its mind and in the meantime to make it easier for you we'll all have a drink on the house okay [Music] lla it's just personal it's from my [Music] husband okay everybody this is it now I want to tell you one thing there are no losers here tonight you're all winners where they chose they chose because they chose and they changed their minds three times you know why cut to the chase Romeo who won I can't tell you that's what I'm trying to tell you that they want you all on stage so they can get a real reaction when they announce the winner man what is this they want to see the losers man just send the winner up it's their show they want it to be a surprise yeah a big surprise come on we all know who won oh yeah who won Steven wrong Steven didn't win don't tell me there are no surprises Steven I'm sorry you wanted me to cut to the chase I'm cutting to the chase it's anybody's ball game now I'd like you to line up here Steven I'd like you to set an example why didn't Steven win because somebody else won but we we all saw it he had the best set no he had the second best set he got two votes of the five someone else got the other three now look don't embarrass me please I promised him that I would have you all back on stage before I announced what the winner was now come on anybody who does not get on that staircase right now is disqualified I mean it did Steven really come in second that's what I said then I'm out disqualify me m come on what are you doing really what is she doing just in case I won it's Stevens what is she doing what are you you doing I'm going home Eve would you please tell my husband to meet me out front wait please L I'm out too me too I'm in I'm still in Lyla you did win makes a difference doesn't it I I really did win yes you got three out of the five votes the guy with the gray hair was crazy about you yeah it makes a difference see you later guys Lyla don't do this listen to Stephen you think they're going to give it to him just cuz you walked out no three of those judges didn't even like him they were offended by him they're going to revote and they're going to give it to somebody else and even if they did give it to him do you think he's going to be grateful 10 years from now when you're sitting in your station wagon outside some school with curlers in your hair and groceries in the back seat you think you're going to hear from him not even a postcard or any of these others who get it because you walked out tonight forget it come on you won the brass ring come claim it girl that's my girl see see I forgot my purse hey you want to work in this club again yeah I do looks all a bunch of [Music] nuts John lla hi lost huh I won you won I won you won you won why aren't you in there I've got time I've got you guys thank you for my Note you were great I was you were great I heard you laughing yeah I was laughing you were hysterical I can hear you laugh louder than anybody you know what I was thinking of maybe you could tell a story about remember when you were giving birth to Carrie and you were laying in a par like going I'm L I'm L something like that oh yeah I [Music] never all [Music] la I mean start to finish you know what I mean there's a million stories at home and and and and and and Jenny with her brown john virgin when when she was in brown john brown john virgin mother and child that's great I never that don't care if I ever have a DI if I could keep you rolling in the AIS here's a thought to see you home and wherever you May Roam remember this night and [Music] smile [Music] la [Music] [Music] he [Music] a

Channel: Throw Back TV

Views: 166,323

Keywords:

Id: ARP7zFYUvdg

Length: 122min 55sec (7375 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 28 2023